Sorry for the long time between updates but life gets in the way… as always, comments and feedback and loved and welcomed.
The bow tie around Harvey's neck still felt tight despite being at the function for almost two hours. Prentious galas, filled with New Yorks elite was never something he willingly attended. But it was a part of the job. A big part, especially when Jessica Pearson tells you in no uncertain terms that not only is your presence is required, it is there to ensure Pearson Hardman engages the the biggest real estate development company on the east coast. One that is now in the market for new representation.
He's yet to have any formal introductions with Brian Mathewson, hasn't been able to spot the man in the crowd, so he figures that time is on his side.
Taking his time with his third scotch, Harvey leans back on the bar and pulls his phone out. Checking it for the fourth time in twenty minutes, he finds the screen blank.
He expected as much, Donna had all but ordered him out the door yesterday when he mentioned not wanting to attend tonight. The time also tells him that she would be attempting to get Ava off to sleep. Still he sends her a text informing her that he's bored, and it's all her fault because she made him attend the world's most boring event. Instantly he's met with the image of her reading it, scoffing and immediately replying with a wit that never fails to cut through him. His second text follows soon after, hoping that she'd had a good day and Ava had gone down without too much fuss.
"Somewhere you'd rather be?"
The comment comes from a lady, close to his mother in age by his estimation. From the sharp look she gives him, Harvey can tell he's being measured up.
"Just checking in", Harvey says, as his phone chirps and a picture of Ava, sound asleep in her bassinet appears on his screen. Another text follows stating the she's not sure who the bigger baby is and that he should get back to work.
A kind smile emerges on the woman's face as she observes Harvey,, "By the look you're sporting and that picture I'd say you definitely have somewhere you'd rather be. How old is she?".
The question doesn't phase Harvey in the slightest as the answer rolls off his tongue, "She'll be 10 weeks on Friday. I never thought I'd choose spending my nights trying to settle a cranky baby and watching reruns with Donna over drinking $80 glasses of scotch with a room full of millionaires but here I am".
"I don't blame you, she's beautiful. Though it's been a while since I've had to deal with cranky babies… but if you think about it, a room full of millionaires isn't that much different".
Harvey laughs at the womans comment, silently admiring her for her honest view of these types of functions. "Well I'm just here to represent them. Or try to at least, I guess the cranky baby counts towards experience", extending his hand to the woman, "Harvey Specter".
"Sylvia. Mathewson"
At the mention of her name Harvey feel his stomach drop and is momentarily lost for words, something Sylvia clearly is taking pleasure in.
"Now if I'm not mistaken, you were probably here to sway my husband into having Pearson Hardman represent our company. But I can tell you that you won't need to be worrying about these two cranky millionaires tonight"
"Mrs. Mathewson. Sylvia, I'm sorry if I - "
"Harvey. Go home. We'll be in touch", she says firmly.
"Oh.. should I speak with.."
"You needn't bother Brian, he's been hounded all night. It's no wonder they call your kind 'sharks'.
"Thank you Sylvia. I look forward to working with you both". Shaking hands again.
"If you show the same level of commitment to your job as you do your family Harvey, I think we'll get along just fine. Now, go home and be sure to give Donna some of the credit".
"Oh I'll give her all the credit"
"I knew you were a smart man"
It's become a habit.
One that he's sure he never wants to break
And the knowledge that Donna not only enjoys it but seems to thrive off his regular appearances has Harvey smiling eveytime he walks up to her door.
Tonight his smile a little brighter as he approaches, the key in his hand rendered useless as the door swings open. The expression on Donna's face is one of curiosity as she stands at the threshold observing Harvey. "Some things arrived today".
Uconsciously adjusting Ava in her arms as she wriggles around, having caught sight of Harvey. They both lean in, smiling like idiots as Harvey reaches for the baby.
"Really? What kind of things?" he says, eyes unmoved from Donna's while he tickles Ava's side as she cuddles into him.
"Like expensive handbag things. And jewelery from Tiffany's, who apparently make things for infants"
"You don't say"
"You know anything about it?
"I might…have given my secretary and her protege a bonus for being such outstanding employees"
"Nice try Harvey, I haven't been your secretary for 10 weeks
"Thats the thing. Even from a far you're still working your Donna magic.
"How?"
"Well if you let me in so we can eat our dinner while it's hot, I'll tell you".
The conversation ends there as Donna rolls off the door frame and walks back into her apartment with Harvey following close behind.
Neither had mentioned it, when he still came over long after Donna had recovered from having Ava and found some semblance of a routine. They saw each other most nights after he finsihed work. The sound of Harvey letting himself in instantly putting a smile on Donna's face.
With Ava fed and settled Donna slid down next to Harvey.
"So… Am I going to find out why Ava and I were given some very generous gifts this afternoon"
Digging around in his pad thai "Well it's thanks to you and Ava that I was was able to sign Mathweson Developments"
He tells the story of how her texts and Ava's picture had started the conversation that led to a very beneficial meeting that moring.
"I want to take you out to dinner", Harveys words sound rushed, and judging by the look on Donna's face, immediatly wishes they could be shoved back in his mouth.
"Oh"
He knows what it sounded like, and if he was being honest with himself, if Donna had acted like she was remotely okay with going on a date with him, he would have run with it and thanked his lucky stars that she wanted to take things in a different direction but instead Harvey clarifies, "Not now I mean. But later.. Soon. To thank you for helping me with Mathewson"
Does her best to push away the feeling of disappointment as she tucks her hair beind her ear, "Oh, of course. I mean, it's a start, I guess…" Donna says smartly.
"Maybe Friday? Or the weekend since tomorrow's…"
"Yoga Thursday?
The words "it's a date" lingers in Harvey's consciousness as Donna agrees to the Friday dinner leaving him to wonder if he'll ever find the courage to ever ask her on one.
XXXXXXXX
The following week Harvey enters Donna's apartment to the sound of Ava, clearly unhappy.
"Hey" Donna greets him with an exhausted expression
"Hey. What's going on?
Doing her best to sooth Ava as she continues to grizzle, Donna looks over she shoulder as Harvey removes his coat, "So you know I'm coming back to work next week right?"
Harvey can't help but smile, "Yeah I seem to remember seeing that on my calendar somewhere", he jokes, both of them knowing all to well that he was more than a little excited to see her in the office again.
"Well I've run into a little snag.", Donna says reluctantly as Harvey raises his a brow at her. "I've tried again and again to get her to take a bottle and she just refuses and she so fussy but I'm beginning to think it's me".
"Donna",
"No. Not like that, well kind of. She won't take a bottle from me because well, clearly she prefers it from the source
Harvey can't help the cheeky grin that emerges or the words that follow, "Don't blame her… What?'
Responding with a smile, Donna does her best to ignore his last comment and waves a bottle in her free hand. "Will you try? I mean she already looks at you like you hung the moon".
Harvey's answer come in the form of effortlessly taking Ava in his arms. She's quiet for a moment, observing the man she hasn't seen all day but it isn't long until the cries return.
Taking the bottle from her hand, Harvey smiles warmly at Donna.
"I got this, you go take 5. This might work a little better if she can't see you".
Despite wanting it to work, she feels reluctant to leave them. It's silly she knows, but this is the first time some that wasn't her has fed her baby.
Harvey doesn't mention anything more when Donna merely retreats to the hallway, watching from afar.
Even with Harvey, she can see Ava fussing. But the man remains patient. It was something that had surpirsed her over and over once Ava had been born. The hot-headed attorney known for his aggression and determination was worlds apart from the man that paced her apartment rocking Ava to sleep, never showing any signs of frustration as he calmly talked her through the events of his day.
She could see him doing it now as he coaxed the bottle into Ava's mouth, distracting her just enough to keep the bottle in her mouth a little longer each time. Donna could tell the moment Ava finally started drinking. Harvey's grin spreads wide across his face before he continues speaking to the hungry baby.
"That's my girl". The look in his eyes was nothing short of outright pride as he watched Ava settle in his arms after having fought against the new food source. His words were quiet, barely reaching Donna's ears. Truth be told, she couldn't be sure if Harvey knew he said them out loud. But they richoceted in her heart with the force of …
It didn't feel wrong, hearing him say it. And maybe that was the problem. Donna had watched the bond between Harvey and Ava grow from the moment she was born. There was no one she trusted more than him when it came to Ava, or anything at all.
But the feelings she tried her best to ignore, the ones that now seem to be at a constant bubble beneath the surface are pushed away once again with the belief that Harvey's support and presence was based on friendship and nothing more. Any idea that deviated from that was blamed squarely on hormones and sleep deprivation.
Couldn't let herself believe that he felt any differently toward her that he did before she got pregnant. Her decision to work for Harvey after The Other Time had been one that took both of them a long time to move past. The idea of upsetting their status quo, especially so close to her returning to work was something that couldn't be entertained regardless of her feelings.
Moving a now content Ava onto his shoulder, Harvey looks over to Donna, more than proud of his accomplishment. Giving him a genuine, grateful smile in return she takes one last moment to observe the man in front of her before joining in him in the living room, resolute in her decision to be happy in where her relationship with Harvey stood.
There was far too much to risk
XXXXXXXX
It had been an interesting month. The transition back to work. Leaving Ava alone with strangers. Adjusting to the demands and expectations of a working mother. The learning curve had been a steep one. Harvey had been more than accommodating while she battled with daycare issues, finding time to pump and Ava's first cold. He pretty much shooed her out the door at 6 everynight with Ray waiting downstairs. Any assumption that she would stay until he was finished for the night now a distant memory.
He was happy to have her back without a doubt, but Donna couldn't deny that it stang just a little bit when she returned to find not only had Harvey managed on his own without her, he had thrived. Taking on the responsibilities and expectations of a junior partner. Acquiring bigger, more lucrative clients the way she knew he could. She would never want him to flounder or fail but the tiniest pang of jealousy lingered when she returned to work to find that eveything was still standing despite her absence..
It was then Donna realised the tables had well and truly turned in their relationship. The reliance she had developed on Harvey over the course of her pregnancy and after Ava was born had crept up on her. He had reassured her in moments of doubt. Calmed her as she held Ava who refused to be put down all day. Made sure she was eating, got a chance to rest and shower. He was her window to the world in Ava's first weeks. Donna clung Harvey's daily updates on the comings and goings of Peason Hardman. It made her feel like she was still tethered to a world that knew nothing of dirty diapers, extreme sleep deprivation and endless hours tied to the couch breastfeeding. He had been present for Ava's first smiles. Happily assisted with the daily nighttime circus and stayed afterwards to find out about her day.
He had even kept up with his promise to watch Ava on Thursday nights so she could still attend her regular yoga class. Something she was incredibly grateful for despite her insistance that they saw enough of each other now she was back at work.
It had become her favourite time of he week. While having the opportunity to go to a class was amazing. Coming home was what she looked forward to the most. The state she would find Harvy in was different almost every week. There had been times she found him, still rocking Ava to sleep or in front of the couch, a basketball game in the background with her sprawled across his chest.
Last week had been new though. On the phone with a troublesome client that had got into some hot water. The call ended promptly just as his apologies started for having to leave straight away. Harvey's remorse was palpable as he gathered his things and headed for the door. Standing at the threshold there was a moment, or so Donna thought where it could have easily ended in a goodnight kiss. Instead just a quiet "goodnight" was exchanged as she watched him walk down the hall
The week that followed had been hectic. Harvey spent most of his time out of the office while Donna placated and rescheduled every other client. It was only yesterday that things had settled and the game of catch up began.
It surprised Donna, to see Harvey walk through the door that Thursday. He looked tired and more than a little stressed as he placed a stack of files on the dining room table. The sight of Ava, still awake and playing on the floor brightened his face.
"I didn't think I'd be seeing you tonight"
"I made a promise didn't I?"
"But still, this week?"
"I'm fine", Harvey insists as he picks up Ava, now grizzling at the lack of attention.
Excusing herself to get changed Donna returns to the kitchen to retrieve her keys.
Triple checking that Harvey was okay with her going, Donna is surprised when Harvey fails to respond. Making her way around the couch, she finds Harvey sprawled across it, sound asleep with Ava quickly following him. As Donna gently prises Ava from his arms.
"I think we broke our Harvey" she whispers to the baby before quietly retreating to put Ava down.
Despite the awkward angle he fell asleep in, Harvey wakes several hours later feeling refreshed. It certainly wasn't the first time time he'd fallen asleep there but it was the first time he'd woke to find Donna's fiery red hair in his view. Though not quite in they way he'd want.
With her back against the couch Harvey could see over Donna's shoulder as she browsed over a file that he'd brought with him. While the remaining files had been maked with annotations and compiled neatly on the coffee table.
"You didn't have to do that for me"
"I thought you could do with the sleep"
"You're not wrong there"
"Besides, I need to prove that I'm still a half decent secretary"
"Very funny" he says with a light tug on her pony tail. While Harvey took her words as nothing more than a joke, Donna was determined to prove herself and Harvey that she was more than capable of performing well in her job now that Ava had come along.
"I ordered dinner", she mentions casually, "Figured you'd be hungry when you woke. It's an interesting angle you've taken with this case", Donna mentions with the brief in question waving in her hand.
Harvey scoffs as he recalls the reason behind his change in tactics with the MacMillan Group.
"After you left today this bike messenger kid walked in to my office. Like waltzed straight in, stoned up to his eyeballs and threw a package on to my desk".
Donna's smile urges Harvey to continue. "Fucking paperwork flew everywhere. The kid tries to help pick it up. I've already had a few choice words for him when he starts reading part of the merger conditions… Then he starts telling me I should be using a different precedent. That the one I was using left us open to risk of … what?'
"I can't believe I missed someone telling Harvey Specter he was wrong. I'm gonna have to start hiding Ava under the desk so I can stick around a little longer. What happened next?"
"He tells me he got a full ride at Harvard, starts there in the fall".
"And the precedent he was talking about, you were wrong?", she asks.
The shrug of his shoulders was a dead giveaway as Donna's smile grew. "I wasn't wrong…. It's that he was also right. Told him that if he pulled his head out of his ass and got half decent grades in law school there might be a job here at the end of it'"
"You liked him" Donna says knowlingly, "Oh my God. You saw yourself in him, like another you... Harvey".
"Donna"
"What? Beneath that icy exterior lies the the heart of a sentimental softie. It's okay. I promise I won't tell"
Waiting patiently in front of the microwave for their dinner, Harvey glacies across at the invitation to Alice's wedding. It had been sitting there for weeks, attached to the refrigerators without a single word from Donna about it.
"I'm going", she says with little excitement. Not that he blamed her. Aside from her mom, who visited as soon as she was well enough. Their response following Ava's birth had been less than enthusiastic. Something that still grated on Harvey.
"You surprised she's getting married in Massachusetts?" he asks, noting the location of Alden Castle,
Shrugging with indifference, Donna looks over the invitation again, failing to mention the plus one next to her name. "His family are from Boston so it makes sense I guess"
"Ava's first trip out of state"
"One I'm not looking forward to if I'm honest".
Their conversation continues late into the evening. After dinner they move back to the couch, sitting a little closer than they normally would though neither seemed to mind.
As The Late Show ended Harvey felt Donna squirm under the blanket he threw over her when she nodded of an hour ago. Neither making a move to separate, they sit quietly against each other as the credit roll.
"It's getting late", she mentions eventually, wondering if tonight might be different. You should stay, is what her heart longs to say.
Masking his disappointment with a stretch , Harvey takes the hint and moves to the edge of his seat, "I should go", the words are quiet as he stands, too distracted by yet another missed opportunity to notice Donna's face looking much like his own.
Oh… "Sure. I'll umm see you in the morning".
Xxxxxxxx
It was clear neither had a restful night after they said their goodbyes.
For the first tme in a long time a sense of awkwardness radiated whenever they were forced to interact. Gordon mentions Harvey's mood, not buying the excuse of a bad nights sleep when Harvey tries to fob it of as an excuse.
"You still haven't done anything have you?... Harvey… You're there every night"
"I know, I know but she's just come back to work and I just… I look at everything we have and there's so much to lose"
"So everynight you get up and - "
"Leave? Yeah I know… But how am I meant to tell her that I hate it? That it's the worst part of my day".
"Then don't. Tell her you love her instead, ask her out on a date Harvey, anything!"
The scoff he can't contain echoes down the line. "I tried that…"
"So you asked her out and she said no?
"No exactly but she didn't exactly light up at the idea when I mentioned going out"
Gordon stays silent, but the knowledge that Harvey has eveything to gain lingers between them. Wrapping up the conversation, his fathers words provide enough of a distraction that he fails to notice Donna returning to her desk, hastily making herself busy in an attempt to stop her hands from shaking after overhearing Harvey's words.
XXXXX
"How am I meant to tell her that I hate it? That it's the worst part of my day"
The words ring in her ears as she operates on autopilot, collecting Ava from daycare. The evening routine is enough of a distraction until Ava is asleep leaving Donna take in the quiet of her home.
Feeling completely unmotivated about dinner, she reluctantly enters that kitchen where the wedding invitation taunts her. Donna's relationship with her sister had always been rocky, especially as they grew into adults. Alice's treatment and manipulation of those close to her never failed to rub Donna the wrong way. Though given Harvey's admission maybe she was a lot more like her sister than she was willing to admit? The time spent with Harvey after Ava was born was certainly welcome, but now with Ava a little older was it necessary that he be there so much? Despite being all too aware of how the pressures of his workload weighed him down at times, she didn't tell him he wasn't needed. Had her selfishness allowed him to wear himself so thin that he had grown resentful?
With a brief text explaining she was catching up with some old theatre friends that were in town her now Harvey-free weekend was spent analysing every recent interaction they had, trying to work out what she had missed and where she went wrong. Part of her was devastated in her own ability to miss something in someone she thought she knew so well.
She couldn't beleive he had grown to hate her, though if things continue on the way they were maybe it would be inevitable? That their professional and personal relationship, whatever that may be would ultimately fall apart because she had so readily taken advantage of his willingness or perceived obligation to help when no one else was around.
Was all the extra attention simply because he was so worried that he would lose her as a secretary? Did he just feel sorry for her? Were his smiles ones of sympathy rather than being genuinely pleased to see her? Was every "moment" they had really Harvey not taking an opportunity to ask for space?
The very idea that his feelings for her were so different to her own was something that she had battled with the entire time she had known Harvey but that he was knowingly hiding the extent of his discontent churned in her gut.
How did she get it so wrong?
XXX
For a Monday, the afternoon could be considered quiet. Harvey took advantage of the slower pace to reflect on a weekend without her while Donna stewed away, wondering how best to bring up a conversation she was dreading. After days of deliberation Donna bit the bullet, taking the opportunity to speak with Harvey. Entering his office his eyes on her from the moment she speaks.
"Hey, can I talk to you a minute?", she asks, taking the opportunity to slide into a chair, choosing space created by his desk rather than the closeness of his couch.
"Everything okay?", he asks as his laptop lid closes.
Donna fights her gut when it all feels wrong, reminding herself that this isn't about her but Harvey. "Yeah. I … Just. I wanted you to know that you don't have have to come over.. As much.. Anymore…"
The look on his face isn't hard to read. This was something he hadn't expected.
"Oh… oh .. yeah. I guess I have been around a lot. I'm sorry".
"No! No. don't be sorry. You've been so amazing.. But I just wanted you to know that I don't.."
Without even looking at Havey's face, Donna could tell she was making a mess of this. With a forced smile she pushes on, "You can go back to the way your life was before Ava. Is what I'm trying to say. And you don't need to worry about Thursdays.."
"Oh, I didn't.."
She cuts him off, eager to give her well-rehearsed explanation before he has a chance to say anything else, "I've been meaning to find a regular sitter. You've gone above and beyond what any boss would do"
The insult throws Harvey as he attempts to hide his disbelief, "Your boss?..."
"Well… yeah, you know what I mean right?"
"I guess I do".
He doesn't. At all.
What he does know, now, is that his desire for something more with Donna was never going to happen. Despite his feelings and intentions or even his fathers encouraging words, Donna's request for space cemented in his mind that their relationship was only ever meant to be professional. And the thought of that suddenly terrified him more than taking a chance to tell her how he really felt about her.