Chapter Five

Distractions

"You're so beautiful. I could look at you forever. How did you get so beautiful?"

"Pureblood arranged marriages, darling. Generations of seeking out the right blood and the right beauty and a little dash of inbreeding. Leads to clear skin and glossy hair. Didn't you know? I mean, it's a shame about my five eyes and thirteen toes."

"Oh, I think I'd have noticed thirteen toes…"

"But not the five eyes?"

"Eh, I wasn't looking at your eyes, darling."

"Because you were looking at my TOES?"

"I, erm, oh fuck it. I've lost track of this conversation. We've got fifteen minutes until Astronomy. Time to go again?"

"Absolutely yes."

Marlene woke up crying. It took her a few minutes to process the feelings rushing through her. Too much was going on at the same time. She was still so angry. Was she going to feel angry forever? And her dreams had left her sad and bewildered. Sebastian. She spent so much of her waking time trying not to think about him, but he came back in her dreams with a vengeance.

She lay still for a moment, until one feeling rose up to the surface and overshadowed everything else. She was absolutely starving. She'd skipped lunch yesterday, too furious after Defence Against the Dark Arts to manage civil conversation across a dining table, and had just grabbed a quick sandwich for dinner before Astronomy, in which she'd studiously ignored Sirius Black's attempts to chat and Richard Travers' leers. She needed to eat something. Everything would feel better after breakfast.

It was early. The sun wasn't up yet and the curtains were all drawn around the other beds in the dormitory. Marlene made the most of being the only one up by taking a long, hot shower without anybody else waiting for their turn. Then she dressed quickly and headed down to the common room.

She had assumed everybody else would still be asleep, but Lily Evans was sitting in one of the window seats, her forehead resting against the windowpane. She was already dressed in her school robes and had a stack of books next to her on the chair, but she wasn't reading them. Instead, her eyes were fixed on a copy of the Daily Prophet.

"Morning, Lils," Marlene called softly across the room.

Lily jumped, then turned to look at her. Her eyes were red.

"You okay?" Marlene joined her on the window seat. "Have you been crying?"

Lily shook her head. "I'm alright. Don't worry. I just…oh, I just made the mistake of reading the news before I've even had a cup of coffee."

"Lily Evans, you know better than that."

Lily managed a watery smile. "I know. But I woke up too early to go down to breakfast. Thought I'd catch up on the news quickly while I waited. But obviously I forgot quite what an emotional onslaught it is these days."

"Anything in particular today?"

She shrugged. "More of the same. A few disappearances. Another muggle family murdered. But I mean…that's part of the problem, isn't it? It's all becoming so normal that we don't even think we need to talk about it. It's only when I sit down by myself and really devote my time and energy to reading and thinking about it that I feel it properly. What's this war doing to us, Marly? Are we really all so cold now that we read these stories and describe them as more of the same?"

Marlene didn't know what to say.

Lily suddenly jumped up. "Oh, I'm so selfish. Sorry, Marly. Listen to me going on about how hard it is to read the news when we've all just had real news impact us personally. I'm sorry. Now's not the time to talk about this. You're focussing on Sebastian. We all should be."

Marlene hadn't actually been thinking of Sebastian at all at this moment, but it seemed callous to say so, so she just shrugged and told Lily not to worry and glanced at her watch.

"It's five to seven," she said. "Shall we walk down to breakfast and get there when it opens?"

They were the first to arrive in the Great Hall, which Marlene always loved. She was often an early riser and enjoyed the quiet of the castle before everybody else woke up. She and Lily sat down in the middle of the Gryffindor table and Marlene started to spread marmite onto a piece of buttered brown toast.

Lily filled a bowl with yogurt and banana and ate several spoonfuls before looking back at Marlene. Marlene had the feeling that Lily had been waiting to talk to her about something, but had perhaps been taking some time to work out what to say. She liked this about Lily. Her words were always careful, and Marlene admired it.

"You were upset yesterday," Lily said. "James asked me to come and check on you, but your curtains were drawn so I thought you might want privacy. I wanted to catch you on your way to Astronomy but you know what I'm like. I can't keep my eyes open past eleven o'clock. But how are you today? Do you want to talk about it?"

Marlene took a large bite of toast before replying. "It's okay. Just…Defence."

"Dearborn?"

"Yeah. You know what he's like."

Lily nodded sympathetically. "I'm glad I never had him as a teacher."

"I never understood why you quit. Didn't you get an E in your OWL? Wouldn't you have liked to learn more about how to defend yourself?"

Lily looked thoughtful. "The war didn't look quite so dangerous back then, when we were choosing our subjects. I chose the things I was most interested in, and the subjects I thought I could do best in. If they'd let us take a fifth subject I might have picked it, I guess, but I got Os in Potions, Charms and Arithmancy, and I wasn't ready to give up Transfiguration yet."

"You should learn more Defence, though. You might need it."

"I know." Lily frowned. "I keep thinking about it when you guys are all in your lessons. It's frustrating because I have a free period then, as well. I'm going to talk to Professor McGonagall about the NEWT choices we get. I think students should be able to take more subjects. But it's a bit late now, isn't it? It's not like I can cover two years of material in the six months we have before exams."

"No. But it's not just about the exams, is it? Not with Defence Against the Dark Arts. We should practise together. Coralie and I can teach you. Viti and Mary, too. All of you should learn it, so that you'll be safe."

"Marly…" Lily's expression showed that she was reading more into Marlene's words than Marlene had wanted her to. "You know taking Defence wouldn't have helped Sebastian, right? It sounds like they sent a whole team of Death Eaters to his house. One seventeen year old wouldn't have been able to fight them off, whatever subjects he took at NEWT."

Marlene blinked back tears. "I just want everyone to be as prepared as possible. Especially the girls. I hate how few of us are taking Defence."

"I know you do." Lily squeezed her hand. "I'd like to learn. If you and Coralie are happy to teach us, I think it's a great idea."

"We can run sessions in the dormitory before we go to bed in the evenings. We're not as safe at school as we thought we were. Sebastian's shown us that. And we've not got much longer here, anyway. We need to make sure we're ready."

Lily finished her yoghurt. "Do you think James might help us, too? He's very good at Defence, isn't he?"

Marlene smirked. For all Lily's insistence that she wasn't interested in anything happening with James, and that she was glad he didn't ask her out anymore, it was obvious how her cheeks flushed when she mentioned his name.

"Maybe," she said. "I'm sure he'd love to, but he can't get up to our dorm. We should start off with just the five of us, then maybe include the boys later."

"Speak of the devil," Lily murmured, nodding towards the door.

James and Remus were walking into the Great Hall. Remus looked anxious and James had his arm slung around his shoulders. They were closely followed by Sirius and Peter, who were laughing about something that likely involved the way James' hair was changing colour to a pale, minty green.

James saw Lily and Marlene sitting together and removed his arm from Remus to bound over. He threw his arms around Marlene from behind and peppered kisses over the top of her head.

"Nice hairdo, Jamie," Marlene said.

James pushed his hair back and gave her a swift, pouty pose, then swung his legs over the bench to sit down beside her. On her other side, Lily had gone very quiet.

"Are you cheerful again now?" James asked, still fiddling with his hair. Marlene didn't think he knew the colour had been changed.

Marlene rolled her eyes. "I'm fine."

James took her half-eaten piece of toast from her plate. "You were very cross," he explained. "With Padfoot. Would you like me to hex him for you?"

The rest of the boys reached the table and sat down opposite James, Marlene and Lily.

"I'm offering to hex you," James explained to Sirius. "I'm being very valiant."

Marlene leant against him, resting her head on his shoulder. Whenever James was there, she felt her heart rate calm and her tense jaw relax.

Sirius stared at James in mock outrage. "You wouldn't! Hexing goes against our brotherly bond. I would never hex you. Never ever. Not even to give you a nice new hair colour."

Peter was still cackling with laughter. Remus shook his head, looking bemused. Lily gave Sirius a disapproving glare that he completely ignored.

James frowned, then picked up a spoon to look at his reflection. His eyes widened when he saw his green hair.

"I think I can pull it off," he said. "So, Marly, back to the hexing Padfoot topic. What would you like me to do to him?"

Marlene shook her head and didn't reply. The fury she'd felt with Sirius yesterday had dissolved now that she'd eaten something, and if anything she now felt a little embarrassed by the way she'd snapped at him.

Sirius was watching her from the other side of the table. He hadn't eaten anything yet, and seemed to be waiting for her to say something to him.

"It's fine," she said. "We're good."

"I was a bit of a prick," he said earnestly.

"Yeah, well, what's new?" She grinned at him and kicked him gently under the table.

"In my defence, I was raised by a family of absolute villains," he said.

Marlene laughed and took another piece of toast.

"We should go to Transfiguration," Lily said, putting down her yoghurt spoon. "McGonagall said she'd give us some extra essay feedback if we arrived early."

In the past, Marlene knew the boys would have laughed at this suggestion, but now James sat up, looking alert.

"Good idea," he said. "Come on, Pads, Moony."

Sirius looked forlornly at his unfinished breakfast, but didn't argue. Marlene had to admit she was impressed by his dedication to James and James's love life. Maybe this would be the year James finally managed to get Lily to fall in love with him.

"Have you got a free period, Marls?" Lily asked.

Marlene nodded around her piece of toast.

"Will you be in the library? Would you mind borrowing those books we need for Charms? I don't know if I'll have time today and it's such a big class I'm worried all the copies will get taken before I can get there."

"Yeah, sure." Marlene hadn't really considered going to the library, but it was probably a good suggestion. The fact it was the first week of term hadn't made the teachers go any easier on them with homework.

"Thanks, Marly."

Lily led James, Sirius and Remus out of the hall, leaving Marlene alone with Peter. She rarely spent any time alone with him. He was close with Mary, and she knew James loved him, but after six and a half years of shared classes, she still found it hard to find anything to say to him.

"I'm going to go and find Mary and see if she wants any food," Peter said. "We were up late working on Divination so she wanted a lie in, but she'll get grouchy if she doesn't eat."

"That seems a sensible plan," Marlene murmured.

Once he'd gone, she had another cup of coffee, and then decided she should follow through on her promise to Lily and go to the library.

The library was quiet when she reached it. Only NEWT students had free periods in which to study, and most of the seventh years either took Transfiguration or Muggle Studies and so were currently in class. A few sixth year Ravenclaws were clustered around a table at the back, and Tanya Corbett and Mellie Stewart from Hufflepuff smiled and waved at Marlene from their table near the door, but the library was otherwise empty.

Marlene gave Tanya and Mellie a vague smile, then put her bag down at a separate table. She didn't mind the Hufflepuff girls, but she'd never really successfully crossed the bridge into friendship with them. If Lily or Coralie had been here, they might all have sat together, but Marlene wasn't very good at talking to people outside her immediate circle.

She got out her quill and parchment, then made her way into the library stacks to find the books Professor Flitwick had assigned for Charms reading this week.

The Charms section of the library was well lit and well used. It was one of the most popular subjects Hogwarts offered, and so Madam Fawcett, the librarian, made sure it was easy to access. Marlene found 'Advanced Theory in Charms' and 'Charms for the Intellectual Witch and Wizard' quickly, and picked up a few other texts she thought might be useful. She was about to head back to her table when she heard the sound.

It was a muffled, snuffling sound, interspersed with short, sharp intakes of breath. It sounded like somebody was crying and trying to hide it. Marlene glanced back into the main library. Nobody else seemed to have heard it. She sighed and headed deeper into the stacks. She didn't want to deal with somebody else's sadness right now, but nobody else was going to do it, and she didn't want to leave somebody alone and crying.

She followed the sound through the Charms section and into the Advanced Astronomy section, which was much dustier and shabbier. Madam Fawcett clearly didn't hold Astronomy in the same esteem as Charms, and Marlene didn't blame her. Hardly anybody took the subject through to NEWT level, and Professor Quinn tended to lend them his copies of key texts. She was surprised anybody was in here at all.

The sobs grew louder, and Marlene turned a corner around a shelf to find a boy curled up on its other side.

"Sirius?" she asked. "Why aren't you in Transfiguration?"

She knelt down by Sirius' side. He looked up at her and she realised his mistake. The long dark hair and high cheekbones matched Sirius', but this boy was younger and his robes were trimmed with green.

"Regulus," she said, aware that her voice had suddenly grown much colder. "I thought you were…"

"Sirius. I gathered." His voice was cold.

"Are you alright?"

"Oh, yes, I'm excellent."

She recognised this snide, sarcastic tone from Sirius, but Sirius never used it with her.

"It might help to talk about it, you know," she said, trying to imagine what Lily would say if she were here trying to comfort somebody.

"You wouldn't understand," he said.

"I could try…"

He looked up at her with red eyes. "No, McKinnon, you really wouldn't understand. We might go to the same school, but we don't live in the same world, you and me. You wouldn't get it."

"Okay," she said, recognising a lost cause. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but at least come out of here and let me distract you. You're in sixth year now, aren't you? You must have a load of essays to write already."

Regulus laughed bitterly. "Yes. Seemingly the Professors don't realise there are bigger things going on than homework. Quinn's set a monstrosity of an Astronomy essay."

"I'm good at Astronomy. I'll help you," Marlene offered.

She held out a hand to help Regulus to his feet. He looked uncertain for a moment, then took it and followed her back into the main area of the library. She noticed him looking around, maybe checking who else was there before sitting down with her, but he seemed to conclude it was okay.

Marlene dumped her Charms textbooks at one end of the table and then got her Astronomy books out of her bag. She had a class that night so was already carrying her study materials.

"Right. Sixth year, second term. You'll be looking at lunar cycles, then?"

Regulus nodded and Marlene shuffled around the table to look at what he'd come up with so far and help him improve it. She didn't push him to talk about anything beyond the moon and the stars, but she kept glancing at him. His eyes were still red and he looked pale and tired. He looked similar to Sirius, but she had never seen Sirius cry like this. Even in his worst moments, after he was kicked out of his family house, Sirius had dealt with the pain by making cruel jokes and hurling himself into anything he might call fun. Regulus was different. Regulus looked fragile.

"Alright," she said eventually. "I think you're done. Quinn should give you a good mark for this one."

"Thank you. For helping, I mean. That was kind." Regulus packed his essay away in his bag.

"That's alright. Are you…are you going to be okay?"

Regulus looked down at his lap. He lifted his right hand to his left sleeve and fidgeted with the fabric.

"Are any of us really okay?" he said eventually.

"Fair point."

"I was sorry to hear what happened to Sutherland," he said, after another pause. "That wasn't right."

Marlene looked at him. Lots of people had offered condolences, and had expressed anger and sadness at Sebastian's death. Something about Regulus' frankness felt different, though. It seemed a completely earnest statement, not stemming from his emotions or his thoughts on what he should say, but rather from his own convictions.

Before she could reply, however, they were interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Why the fuck are you sitting with him? And what are you doing talking to her? Leave her alone!"

Sirius looked like he might hit Regulus. He strode across the library and stopped right beside his younger brother, eyes narrowed and furious. James and Lily stood behind him, both looking unsure what to do.

The change in Regulus' posture and demeanor was immediate and impressive. Where before he had seemed vulnerable, honest and young, he now leant back with an arrogant smirk and spoke with a drawl that Marlene suspected had been carefully cultivated to irritate his brother.

"I wasn't aware you had a say about who I talk to," he said, sneering. "Pretty sure you decided I wasn't your business when you walked away from your family and your duties."

"I couldn't give less fucks who you talk to," Sirius said, somewhat undermining his point by slamming the table with his fist.

Regulus raised an eyebrow. "Clearly."

"Just don't…just…leave her out of it!" Sirius spluttered.

"Pads, calm down, mate," James said. He tried to catch Sirius' arm, but Sirius shook him off.

"I mean it!" he said, leaning in closer to Regulus.

Marlene caught sight of Madam Fawcett, who had been shelving books near the back of the library but must have heard the raised voices.

"Stop it, Sirius," she said, jumping up to her feet. "You're making a scene. If you want to get all controlling and possessive and tell me who I can and can't talk to, you can come and do it some place you won't disturb everyone studying. Goodbye, Regulus. Good luck with the Astronomy essay. It deserves an O."

She swung her bag over her shoulder and walked out of the library without looking back, trusting that Sirius would be behind her.

As she'd expected, he caught up with her before she reached the end of the corridor.

"Marly, wait!" He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around to face him.

Marlene pulled away from his grip and stepped backwards. She didn't want him to touch her. Not today.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" she asked coolly.

Sirius looked confused. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Can you explain to me how it is any of your business who I talk to?"

"He's my brother. You don't know him like I do."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Sirius looked angry for a moment, then seemed to deflate. He leant into the stone wall beside them and gave a resigned shrug.

"I just…I can't stand the idea of you getting hurt."

"And you really think I might get hurt having a conversation with your brother? Physically hurt?"

He paused, then looked straight into her eyes. "Honestly? Yes. I do."

Marlene took a few deep breaths before replying. She still thought Sirius was overreacting, but now that he'd calmed down and was being honest with her, she felt like it would be cruel to keep arguing. His history with his brother and the rest of his family was dark and complex, and she conceded that it was possible he knew something about Regulus that justified his feelings.

"Next time you have an opinion about the company I keep," she said, keeping her voice measured. "Treat me with some respect and have an actual conversation with me about it. Don't come shouting and leaping to conclusions and trying to pick a fight like I'm some damsel in distress that needs rescuing."

Sirius nodded. "Understood."

"And Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"If you lose your temper like that with me again, I will hex you, and it will hurt."

He gave her a faint smile. "Understood."