Blast these bowties! Why did they have to be so difficult to fix! Luckily, Gary did the job for him, but he was still tardy for his date, so SpongeBob was sprinting towards his destination, wearing his finest suit and carrying a bouquet of flowers, as the sun was setting.
Despite his haste, he couldn't help but smile, remembering the chain of events that led to this wonderful relationship.
Cue flashback…
It was a regular day at the Krusty Krab.
"Looks like you guys…and gals, are done!" SpongeBob was preparing Krabby Patties in his usual over-the-top and needlessly elaborate manner.
Once they were finished, he gushed at his handiwork. "In all my years of fry cookery, I have never seen such a lovely group of patties!"
But one particular patty, one that conveniently had its ingredients arranged in the shape of a face caught the young sponge's eyes, and butterflies started fluttering in his stomach.
"Especially…..you." he leaned closer towards her, utterly awestruck. "Such perfection."
"From your lovely lettuce hair…" he caressed it "…to your rosy ketchup cheeks right down to your-"
One abridged version of the original "To Love a Patty" minus ear-grating songs and scallop murder later….
Squidward regretted giving the sarcasm-blind simpleton any ideas, as he watched the idiotic scene unfold.
Everyone and their grandma knew that SpongeBob SquarePants was a bit funny. But not even Squidward would have pegged him as falling-in-love-with-a-hamburger funny. Of course, Mr. Krabs was willing to humor him once SpongeBob flashed him a couple of fivers and offered the "couple" the best table in the restaurant, but even the old penny-pincher had his limits.
"Here you go my, dear." the tuxedo-wearing SpongeBob prepped a small throne for his "date". "A throne befitting a queen."
Krabs stepped back as he and Squidward watched him with unease, while SpongeBob cupped his nonexistent ear as if Patty was talking to him and giggled impishly.
"What? Oh, I love you too, my succulent little sugarplum….no, I love you more…oh, no I love you so much more…"
With a strained grin, Mr. Krabs whispered to Squidward, "Me thinks the boy's really lost it…"
"Really, what was your first clue?" the octopus deadpanned. "Was it the "dating a Krabby Patty" thing?"
"Tis ain't the time t' sass off, Mr. Squidward." Krabs barked. "The laddie's gone stark ravin' mad! For the love of Neptune, we can't jus' stand here and watch?"
"I have the local asylum on speed dial." Squidward shrugged.
"No way! I can't run this restaurant without me fry cook!" Krabs shut him down. "We need t' do somethin' 'bout it."
"Yall can say thaaht again…"
The two yelped in fright and Krabs jumped into Squidward's arms. They glanced up and saw Sandy sticking to the ceiling with suckers attached to her boots and wearing her usual action getup of a black tank top, fingerless gloves, and cargo pants while watching SpongeBob with high-tech goggles (worn over her helmet).
"Arggh! What are ye doin' crawlin' all over me ceilin'!" Krabs shook his fist when Sandy touched down in front of him.
"Whatcha think? Ah've been followin' SpongeBob's every move ever since ah learned that he was courtin' a stinkin' sandwich." She said in an annoyed tone as she pulled her goggles up. "And maah observations 'ave confirmed maah suspicions!"
"Which would be?" Squidward asked blandly.
"That thu lil' square dude's gone nuttier than a fruitcake."
"Aye, ye got a point, mammal. We need t' put an end t' this ridiculous affair before the lad's beyond help." Krabs admitted. "Tis only a matter of time before he realizes that he can't be a fry cook while his girlfriend's kin are the ones bein' served and eaten! I'll be ruined!"
"Not that I care or anything, but even I prefer him as a garden-variety nuisance over…that." Squidward grimaced watching his co-worker being all lovey-dovey with a Krabby Patty. "What should we do?"
Sandy scratched her helmet in contemplation. "We 'ave ta pinpoint thu root cause of this sudden pathological fixation of his, study 'im fer months till-"
"Months? I'll be bankrupt by then! T' Davy Jones's locker wit' yer foolhardy "science"!" Krabs argued. "What the boy really needs is a good ol'fashion intervention!"
Cue bubble transition…
We get an outside shot of SpongeBob's home at nighttime, and hear Krabs say, "SpongeBob's comin' home from his stroll, is everyone ready?"
He, Sandy, and a bored-looking Squidward were standing inside the living room, surrounded by five chairs forming a half circle.
"Almost, ah couldn't find thaath dunderhead Patrick anywhere." Sandy shook her head. "Looks like he was serious 'bout findin' his own patty partner."
"And that be a bad thing?" Mr. Krabs shrugged.
"Maybe yur right?" Sandy realized. "He does tend ta make things worse when he's involved?"
"Huh, I guess junk food really is his one true love." Squidward deadpanned when they heard the hatch opening.
"Git ready." Sandy urged them.
"What an enchanting evening, right Patty?" A dreamy-eyed SpongeBob walked in with his "girlfriend" in hand. "We'll be telling of this night to our-"
He halted in surprise. "Hey? What are you guys doing here?"
The others exchanged worried looks, and Sandy stepped up.
"SpongeBob, hey buddy?" she started gingerly. "We um…need ta talk."
"Aye, how 'bout ye take a seat, lad." Krabs pointed at one of the chairs.
SpongeBob's brow furrowed. "Gee, guys? I'm usually all for party games, but can't it wait for another time? Me and Patty were hoping for a little privacy tonight?"
"This ain't a party, ye nincompoop." Krabs said in a sterner tone. "We're holdin' an intervention! So sit yer yellow rear down."
"An intervention?!" SpongeBob went agape. "What in the world for? There's nothing wrong with me?"
"You're dating a Krabby Patty." Squidward said flatly.
"He's right, SpongeBob." Sandy nodded. "We 'ave reasons ta think that ya've gone jus' a lil' bit…completely mad."
"That's absurd, Sandy!" SpongeBob scowled. "My only affliction is being madly in love with Patty!"
His eyes grew sparkly as he held up his inanimate lover and gave her a tender kiss. "She's the most wonderful being in the world."
The others cringed.
"We've tried bein' nice…" Sandy sighed before she and Krabs grabbed SpongeBob and forced him to sit on a chair.
The others sat around him, while SpongeBob clutched Patty protectively.
Sandy cleared her throat. "Alright, let's start this discussion wit' a simple question. SpongeBob? Jus' why 'ave ya decided ta date…umm…Patty?"
SpongeBob gave her an irate look. "Well, you wouldn't have to ask if you bothered to get to know her personally."
He lifted Patty like a fine work of art, getting teary-eyed in the process. "Patty stole my heart by being the kindest, most pure-hearted, most beautiful creature in the seven seas. The first time I laid my eyes on her, I was utterly bewitched, I could not see myself with any other girl but-"
"But she's jus' a Krabby Patty." Sandy pointed out.
SpongeBob scowled. "So? Am I just a sponge? Are you just a squirrel? What's the difference-"
"The difference is that your girlfriend is grilled mincemeat squished between two buns." Squidward said irritably.
SpongeBob gasped in horror and covered Patty's "ears". "Squidward! How can you say such insensitive things?" He said scoldingly.
"Oh, brother…." Squidward rolled his eyes.
"I won't stand for that! I must defend my lady's honor" SpongeBob stood up and raised his fists. "Put up your dukes, Tentacles!"
"SpongeBob, get a grip." Sandy grabbed him by the shoulder and forced him to sit down before massaging the bridge of her nose.
"Fine, then let thu rest of us tell ya how yur relationship wit' Patty has affected us? Ah'll start. Ah really miss ya, buddy? So does Patrick. Ever since ya hooked up wit' Patty, ya don't seem ta 'ave any time ta hang out with yur best buds; ta jellyfish, practice karate, go sand-skiin' or surfin' at Goo Lagoon-"
"Aye, and I need me fry cook t' keep me business afloat." Krabs said tearfully. "Without ye, boyo, me profits will go down the drain."
"And I'm just disturbed watching your deteriorating mental state." Squidward added blandly.
SpongeBob frowned. "Well, I'm sorry that me finding true love has inconvenienced you so much…" he started with a hint of sarcasm "…but we can't all stay frivolous bachelors for the rest of our lives. There comes a time in a man's life where he has to start focusing on more important things, like settling down and-"
"Wait? What do ye mean by "settlin' down"?" Krabs asked with growing dread.
SpongeBob gave him a peeved look. "I was hoping to share the wonderful news under better circumstances, but to make a long story short…"
His expression changed to one of uninhibited bliss as he raised his right hand to reveal an onion ring around his finger.
"I just asked Patty to be my lawfully wedded wife!"
The others gawked at him in slack-jawed shock.
"Isn't this amazing!" SpongeBob hugged his fiancée. "I have already planned out our whole future!"
We fade into a montage, accompanied by sappy pop music.
We see SpongeBob, wearing a tuxedo and top hat, and Patty, with a wedding veil, driving a rundown boatmobile with clanking cans attached to its trunk, on a highway overseeing a beautiful beachfront.
We see SpongeBob carry his bride into their new home, a typical 50s sitcom living room.
We see SpongeBob, in a business suit and with a suitcase, return home and greet his family, with Patty brooming the floor (somehow) while their children, patties with the arms and legs of their father, one wearing a bow and the other a propeller hat, playing together.
We see the couple doing taxes together, with SpongeBob smiling and laughing merrily.
We flash forward to a smiling SpongeBob and Patty as wrinkly seniors together while sitting in rocking chairs.
And finally, we see the tombstones of SpongeRobert H. Squarepants and Patticia B. Squarepants, accompanied by their eerie laughter from beyond the grave.
We fade back to reality, as SpongeBob exhales happily. "Nothing flashy, just a simple, conventional and wholesome family life."
The others were at a loss for words.
"Sweet mother of Pearl!" Krabs panicked. "Tis worse than we thought! We need t' restrain 'im! Fer his own good!"
"Way ahead of ya!" Sandy held up a straitjacket and the three jumped SpongeBob.
One fight cloud later, we see SpongeBob in the straitjacket, surrounded by the others, with Sandy holding Patty away from him.
"What are you doing!" SpongeBob cried while struggling against his binds. "No! Patty! You can't keep us apart! Sandy, please!"
"Sorry, SpongeBob." Sandy hid Patty behind her back. "We're doin' this fer yur sake."
"NO! PATTY!" SpongeBob wailed, streams pouring down his eyes.
"So what do we do now?" Squidward asked irritably. "The funny farm is still an opt-"
"Aha! I know what's goin' on here!" Krabs exclaimed with an air of triumph and pulled something out of his pocket.
"Mmmmphph!" It was Plankton, tied up completely except for his eye and antennas.
Squidward blinked. "Was he in your pocket this whole time?"
"I figured that there could only be one logical explanation behind this malarky! It be another hair-brained, overcomplicated scheme by me arch-nemesis t' steal the Krabby Patty formula!"
Plankton pulled his head free and coughed. "What the devil's going on here, Krabs?!"
"Ye can't bamboozle me, ye connivin' copepod." Krabs glowered at him. "I know ye've planted some kind of device on that accursed Krabby Patty that is sendin' hypnotic suggestions or somethin', brainwashin' the poor boy into fallin' in love wit' it!"
"What are you rambling about?" Plankton scowled. "What would I have to gain by brainwashing that barnacle-head into falling in love with a Krabby Patty instead of having him deliver it to me?"
He paused and pondered. "Huh? Why haven't I tried that before?"
"Nope. That ain't it, Mr. Krabs." Sandy interjected as she lifted Patty's top bun to inspect.
"Sandy!" SpongeBob looked scandalized. "Shame on you, you Peeping Tammy!"
She showed it to the others, with the only thing present being a single onion ring. "See? There's nuthin' there."
"Fishpaste." Krabs grumbled and flicked the screaming Plankton through the window.
Cue bubble transition…
We find SpongeBob, still in a straightjacket, lying on his couch, with Sandy sitting next to him and writing down notes on her clipboard.
"Sandy, can we please stop with this nonsense?" SpongeBob begged her. "Me and Patty are supposed to be celebrating our engagement!"
"SpongeBob, yur NOT engaged." Was Sandy's exasperated response and she tapped her helmet. "Yur jus' sick in thu head and so help me, ah'll git ta thu bottom of this and cure ya, even if takes years of therapy."
"But I am engaged!" SpongeBob argued. "I've even contacted an esteemed officiant to marry us!"
"Yup, I'll send you the bill in a week." Connor appeared at the window, giving him a thumbs up.
Sandy slammed the window in his face before returning to her seat, ignoring the audible "ow" that followed.
"Let's start wit' ya childhood." Sandy told her patient. "Did ya 'ave any…questionable experiences with Krabby Patties as a kid that might 'ave had long-term psychological effects on ya?"
"Absolutely not." SpongeBob said with an indignant frown, sitting up. "Krabby Patties have had nothing but a positive effect on me growing up! I was fascinated by them, enthralled. They were my passion!"
"And in what way exactly?" Sandy questioned, dreading the potential answer.
"Well, growing up, the conventional wisdom was that patties were meant to be served and eaten and I took it for granted, hence why my life goal was to become a fry cook, but I realize now how narrow-minded I was. Patty helped open my eyes and I'll always be grateful for that." A single happy tear ran down his cheek.
"And what do ye mean by that!" a nervous Krabs barged in.
"Hey!" Sandy tried to push him away. "This is a private session!
"No, Sandy. He deserves to know." SpongeBob told her, looking his soon-to-be ex-boss straight in the eye. "I'm sorry, Mr. K. But I can't continue to be a fry cook while also being married to Patty."
"WHAT!?" Krabs pupils grew three times their size and he was sweating bullets. His worst fears had been confirmed!
"Patty convinced me to take up a stable job as an accountant, and we'll also join a group promoting fast food rights." SpongeBob said proudly. "We'll undoubtedly protest at the Krusty Krab too. Nothing personal, sir."
"Protest?! Boy, are ye outta yer gourd!" Krabs clutched his head.
"Ah'm tryin' ta cure 'im! Patient confidentiality." Sandy was shoving him away but Krabs pushed her back and marched over to SpongeBob.
"Forget it, squirrel! Psychiatry be nothin' but a sham advocated by charlatans who wish t' loot yer wallet!" he picked SpongeBob up and carried him outside.
Sandy chased after them. "What are ya doin'?" she stopped Krabs at the front door.
"Gettin' the boy some real help!" Krabs shot back before turning to the restrained SpongeBob, sporting a nervous smile.
"SpongeBob, boyo. Listen t' an ol'seadog who knows a thing or two 'bout the datin' game. Yer far too good fer that dowdy ol' patty."
"No, I'm not!" SpongeBob argued. "We are meant for each other. You just don't understand true love!"
"Hogwash! I understand romance better than anyone." Krabs huffed before smiling again and pulling the sponge into a one-armed hug. "Which is why I found ye a real woman."
"Behold!" he gestured at a candlelit table and sitting at it was Squidward in drag (looking like Squilvia from "To Love a Squid").
"I don't get paid enough for." He grumbled to the audience.
"SpongeBob…" Krabs pushed SpongeBob closer "…allow me t' introduce ye t' Squidward…eh..ina!"
"But Mr. Krabs?"
"Jus' give her a chance!" Krabs ordered before lifting him by the head and dropping him on the chair, and whispering into his ear, "She has…a very beautiful personality."
"Why…hello there, handsome…" Squidward said monotonously, not even trying to alter his deep voice.
"Squidwardina, I'm so sorry my boss roped you into this." SpongeBob said apologetically. "He's so intrusive about my love life."
In the background, Krabs urged Squidward to play along, making the latter roll his eyes.
"Oh, you've got nothing to apologize for. I see that this blind date has been worth my while." He said, once more without an ounce of emotion.
SpongeBob blushed. "That's very flattering, but I'm actually already engaged to a very lovely girl."
"I'm sure you are." Squidward deadpanned, while Krabs facepalmed.
SpongeBob leaned closer and whispered, "But if it's any consolation, I know a real stud of an octopus, and he's single." He finished in a sing-song voice and wiggled his eyebrow suggestively.
Squidward didn't know if he should feel flattered or creeped out?
"SpongeBob! How could you!" a new voice cut in. Squidward, Krabs, and Sandy looked around in confusion, while SpongeBob gulped and looked down.
He saw Patty standing in front of them, covered in grime and with flies hovering over her.
"What thu?" Sandy turned to Squidward. "Ah thought ya disposed of it?"
"I threw it into the dumpster." Squidward shrugged. "What did you expect?"
"PATTY!?" SpongeBob panicked and jerked back from "Squidwardina". "This is not what it looks like!"
"Do you like take me for a total idiot!" the patty spoke, with a Valley Girl accent, much to the others' shock.
"You had your friends distract me so you could court another woman!" Patty chastised him before turning around with a huff.
"No, Patty! Wait!" SpongeBob broke through his straitjacket and followed her, leaving his friends dumbfounded.
"She's alive?" Krabs blurted incredulously.
Sandy sported a look of utter bemusement. "But…but…but…that's completely illogical? There's no scientific basis fer a burger 'avin'… cognitive abilities?!"
"Yeah, what else is new about this show?" Squidward deadpanned, throwing his wig away.
Patty was (somehow) pulling along a suitcase, while SpongeBob was pleading and following her on his knees.
"Patty, please, just let me explain!" SpongeBob begged. "I'd never do this to you!"
"Like, you had your chance, Spongey." Patty retorted and spat out her onion ring. SpongeBob gasped and picked it up, tears welling up in his eyes.
"I knew there was something fishy about you when you popped the question after just one week of dating, you dirty cheater!"
"But Patty-"
"Oh, Henry!" Patty called out and a slick convertible with flames painted on it parked in front of them, driven by a hotdog with sunglasses.
Patty jumped into the passenger seat, and the two cuddled, with cartoon hearts floating above them.
"You're so sweet. Like, take me out of this dump."
"You got it, babealicious." Henry said and hit the gas (somehow).
"PATTY!" SpongeBob cried and chased after them before getting consumed by exhaust pipe smoke, making him cough.
By the time it cleared, the car was just a speck on the horizon and disappeared.
"No! Patty! Why! Oh, why!" SpongeBob sobbed. "I thought we had something special!"
He keeled over and cried uncontrollably into his hands, as the others approached him and Krabs patted his back.
"Don't take it too hard, laddie." Krabs said sagely. "Yer first love always be the hardest."
"Yeah…ah'm sure someday yall find the… right gal that will love and appreciate ya." A flustered Sandy added, still trying to make sense of what the heck just happened.
"Want my advice? Best to stay a bachelor." Squidward said simply. "Trust me, unless you're a hunk or obscenely rich, it will inevitably end in heartbreak."
An annoyed Sandy elbowed him in the gut.
"What?" he asked.
SpongeBob sniffed and wiped a tear. "Thanks, guys." He offered a weak smile and stood. "At least I can always count on my nearest, dearest friends to stay by my side."
"Think nothin' of it. Gettin' dumped like a sack of barnacles is like a rite of passage fer a growin' boy." Krabs threw his arm over his back. "Tell ye what? How 'bout we take ye out fer a night of male bondin' with lotsa rum, while badmouthin' those wretched, heartbreaking strumpets?"
"I'm down for that." Squidward shrugged, sporting a small smile.
"Excuse me?" an enraged Sandy put her hands on her hips, when they heard wedding bells and a boatmobile parked in front of them, with clanking cans and a sign saying "Just Hitched" attached to its trunk.
"Hey, everyone!" they saw Patrick in the driver's seat, wearing a white tuxedo and matching top hat.
"I'd like to introduce you to the new Mrs. Star." He declared before showing them a glazed donut with a wedding veil. "Her name's Donna!"
The others stared blankly.
"Um…howdy?" Sandy said to it.
Cue transition to present day…
Man, how naïve he was back then, SpongeBob thought to himself and chuckled with nostalgia. He loved, he lost, and ultimately, he learned, coming out stronger and more confident, which allowed him to eventually find the right lady. It wasn't easy, but once he learned about online dating, the rest was history. Too bad things didn't work out between Patrick and Donna. Turns out she was too much of a neat freak to handle Patrick, and him confusing her Harvard degree for a tacco was the final straw.
He finally arrived in front of the Chum Bucket and sprayed some breath spray into his mouth. Good thing Plankton was away to some evil genius convention.
Straightening his suit, SpongeBob swaggered inside, saying in a sing-song voice, "Oh, Karen…"
Guess SpongeBob has a type? Living inanimate objects. And if you're wondering, Connor is the conman fish from "Chocolate with Nuts", and I gave him the name in "Squidward, You're Fired".
So I've tackled one of the big ones again. An episode that's bad in all sorts of ways. "To Love A Patty", an episode with a premise so stupid and contrived, it couldn't possibly work in any context? Well, the devil is in the details. The premise for this episode is absolutely idiotic, but that was kind of classic SpongeBob's forte. Taking insanely stupid scenarios and milking them for all their comedic mileage. But that's the key word here; comedy. The only way this moronic premise could work would be as a complete farce, a joke, a tongue-in-cheek satire of romance. But instead, we got the usual season 5 "written on autopilot" shlock, and instead of a farce, we got an episode about SpongeBob loving and losing his Krabby Patty girlfriend that's more or less played completely straight. And if you think that pitch sounds like a terrible idea, well, the final product speaks for itself. There are moments where the other characters call out the absurdity of the situation and even question SpongeBob's sanity, but outside of that, the episode just falls flat. Once you look past the absurdity of the premise, there really isn't much comedy or even self-awareness to speak of, leaving us with an episode that is, again, more or less playing things straight. The inherent absurdity just isn't played up ENOUGH for this to be comical, which I'm finding out is a recurring and fundamental issue with a lot of these episodes from the Dark Age (like with "Squid's Visit").
What's the point of including Sandy (the most sensible and proactive of the characters), and then have her do bupkis after finding out that her best friend has gone off the deep end and is dating a sandwich. Why have Patrick declare that he's going to get his own patty girlfriend and then not have a pay-off for that setup (instead, they saved such a joke for the ending of "Krabby Kronicles")? What was the point of the scene featuring these two? I know why, because they needed a filler scene, since, obviously, the acoustic torture of a love ballad and the scene where SpongeBob murders scallops were going to carry this episode XD Really, if there's an episode that warrants numerous "How I Would Make This Better" fanfics, this one is easily in the top five. I thought about this for a long time and ultimately decided that the "cartoon intervention" angle was the best one to take, as it puts emphasis on SpongeBob's friends thinking that he has gone completely insane (and rightfully so), only to then pull the rug under their feet and have Patty turn out to be alive after all. It makes absolutely no sense, but hey, they did the same thing in "Bubble Buddy", so why not make this a spiritual sequel to that episode, given the somewhat similar premise? Down to having the same ending gag XD