My story does not follow the exact layout of Titans Tower, as shown on Teen Titans' Wiki's blueprints. In my version, I give the tower an extra floor, so that there are now four floors for bedrooms and bathrooms. The two columns below represent both wings (from top to bottom, respectively):

Left Wing:

Beast Boy's Room

Raven's Room

Terra's Room

Bathroom

Right Wing:

Robin's Room

Starfire's Room

Cyborg's Room

Bathroom

Chapter 7

Terra stared up at Titans Tower, focusing her gaze on the uppermost floor as if it were the building she had to conquer and not the hearts of her old teammates. The beautiful sunset ironically sparkled on the open water as if to say, 'Welcome home!', but Terra knew that to be a mental mirage. Now, fending off stress-induced delays, she forced herself to turn her attention back to the island's pathway entrance, but her feet felt as if they were glued to the ground and that her plaque were an anchor weight keeping her from taking that very first step.

Out of nowhere, Terra began to reminisce about her old room in the left wing and how the Teen Titans had set it up for her. Their thoughtfulness brought tears to her eyes; she had loved living with them and being a part of something bigger than herself, but would they allow her to do that again? That was the real question.

Terra knew she needed to get past more than just her fears of not being welcomed back onto the team, despite the plaque's unmistakable message—she needed to let go of her shame of betraying the team if she were to ever become a true Teen Titan once again.

Intruding on the vestiges of her thoughts of what had once been her life as a Teen Titan, the very last conversation she'd had with Beast Boy came flooding back: "Things were never the way you remember." Her memory unnerving her, Terra jumped.

Then she began to what-if herself. If only things had gone differently, she thought forlornly. Well, they can now! Destiny or not, things can change, can't they? she encouraged herself.

Even with all the butterflies of worry she felt in the pit of her stomach, Terra had never felt happier since her time at Murakami High School. After her encounters with Beast Boy, especially that final one, the truth had continued to gnaw at her. She had worked hard to bury the past—her past—in an attempt to fit in and be nothing more than an ordinary schoolgirl, and it had worked...up until seeing Beast Boy again. Those fleeting conversations had awakened not only random flashbacks of her betrayal against the team, but an overwhelming drive to right her wrongs by becoming an honorable Teen Titan once again.

Dogpiling on top of that, after having borne witness to the recent clash against the Lufetahnese, Terra knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she must confront her past in order to help the team defeat this seemingly indefatigable monster.

Have I faced my past and accepted it...or is this all a dream? Who am I? What am I? A superhero? A villain? After a moment of contemplation, she realized she wasn't willing to define herself by her worst moment but she still had some soul-searching to do: Am I a superhero or an ordinary schoolgirl?

Unexpectedly, a feeling of joy swept over Terra...the possibility of a family, of friends, of being part of a team lifted her spirits. So taking a deep breath, Terra looked down at the stone slate she was holding, her confidence growing as she began ascending the path to the tower, and in no time flat, she found herself standing at the base of the building. Not wasting a single moment, Terra used the plaque to raise herself into the air until she was hovering just below the Main Operations room's window-wall.

Peering through one of the enormous windows of the Main Ops room, Terra could easily make out Cyborg and Beast Boy sitting on the couch. Her heart leapt at the sight of them! It appeared that the boys, thankfully, were too preoccupied with their video game to notice her presence. If Cyborg had been on his own, Terra would've been willing to risk making her presence known to be able to speak with him. As for Beast Boy, Terra was dying to talk to him, but she felt that that particular conversation needed to be done in private.

As she took in the once-familiar scene, she decided that if there were two, the others would surely be nearby and she was going to find them. Feeling like there was no time like the present, Terra abruptly flew over to the wing opposite Beast Boy's quarters. She hoped she would stop feeling like she was about to have a massive heart attack, the way her ticker beat so wildly, but her adrenaline was not easing up, and neither was her racing heart.

Regardless, all she desperately cared about at this moment in time was to find Robin; he was the Teen Titan she truly needed to speak with, because although the other Titans would all have a say in the matter, she understood that he alone would be the deciding vote of whether or not she could rejoin the team.

Safely out of sight, Terra now levitated herself to peer inside Robin's quarters, but the windows were tinted, preventing her from being able to see if he was inside his room or not. As if this day was not hard enough, her angst began to mount as she lowered herself to float in front of Starfire's room; she was going to have so many Titans to account to that she began to feel the enormity of the weight of her decision to come back and face the music.

Willing herself not to become paralyzed with fear, she continued on her reconnaissance mission and glanced with nervous anticipation into Starfire's window, which was thankfully draped with a tattered curtain. Cautiously peering through a hole in the torn fabric, Terra witnessed an enormous moth caterpillar lying on Starfire's comforter. This odd sight of seeing an animal peacefully snoozing away on Starfire's bed greatly surprised her since she hadn't ever known the group to keep pets at Titans Tower. This made her come to terms with the fact that time had not stood still while she had been away and that anything, including superheroes becoming pet parents, was possible.

Terra sighed; Starfire's absence was not crucial to her immediate mission, but it would sure be nice if her old teammate agreed to her coming back into the fold since she was one of the most kind and trusting of the group. If Starfire got on board with Terra rejoining the team, then that would go a long way of tamping down everyone else's negative thoughts and may just be the vote of confidence needed for the group to see her in a new light.

Brushing away her wistfully hopeful feelings and getting onto the business at hand, Terra contemplated, not about who she had already found, but who she hadn't... Where—is—Robin? Terra thought desperately. Where are the others? Why aren't they together, strategizing? There is no time to waste with a monster that could be back on Earth at this very moment. But then she recalled just how exhausting it was after a long day of battling and realized that they must all be blowing off steam and getting in some well-deserved rest and relaxation before the next big rally.

Shaking her head, Terra took a deep breath; she would find them in due time and everything would unfold as it was going to; of that, she had no doubt. The fear came from not knowing which way the cookie was going to crumble—that was the hard part.

But first things first, she needed to find them. She sighed, thinking it would be just her luck that the sole Titan left she had yet to locate would be the first one she made contact with. Oh, how she did not want to have Raven be the first person she spoke with. Although Raven was almost always very calm and composed, other than her occasional snarky retort, the two girls hadn't hit it off so well...at least in Terra's opinion.

The bizarre thing about the two girls' relationship was that Raven had said they had actually started off on the right foot, after Raven had compared her rocky start with Beast Boy and how it had taken her a year not to hate him. But it's not always how relationships start but how they end that matters most. Flashing back, Terra could hear those gut-wrenchingly ugly words she had spewed during their solo battle as if they were face-to-face right now: "You know, Raven, I never liked you."

"I never even wanted to know you!" Raven had replied.

As if replaying that horrible argument with Raven wasn't bad enough, the sinister voice that had been haunting her for the last few days decided it was the perfect time to butt in, filling her with a massive sense of dread. Why would Raven hurt you, Terra? Isn't anger pointless? She would have no reason for revenge.

Terra shivered, unnerved by the voice inside her head. She knew no one was a perfect angel and that everyone had darkness inside them, and so Terra attempted to persuade herself the voice she was hearing was merely internal, dark musings, emanating from her fear of rejection.

If at first the voice in her head had been terrifying, it was now gratingly agitating; it seemed as if Slade's spirit were somehow toying with her from the depths of hell. In mentor fashion, the voice had been hounding her as of late about how to regain the Teen Titans' trust ever since she had landed on their island's doorstep. This mental onslaught made Terra subconsciously touch her ear, as if expecting to find a wireless earbud, the unwanted words rang so clear.

After unsurprisingly finding nothing in her ear, she became frightened of the absence of an earbud—this voice could only mean one thing—she was falling right back into her former role as Slade's apprentice all by her lonesome. Terra recognized that, this time around, she could not ignore the disruptive voice inside her head in order to ensure she was making her own decisions with a clear understanding of the path she knew to be honorable and upright.

To combat the dark, ominous voice, she countered, Anger was pointless when we were battling! Raven had no problem harming me then, and she wouldn't take issue with it now, most likely! Regardless of others' actions, though, I need to behave according to what I know to be good and not act like a puppet on strings.

Pushing the thoughts aside, Terra looked down at the plaque honoring her and raised her head in determination. She felt an intense need to protect Jump City from the danger she had witnessed, and there truly was no time to waste if she were to make a difference for both the safety of the city's inhabitants as well as for the Teen Titans.

Terra knew she must face Raven eventually, so over she flew to her old teammate's room. She was greatly disappointed when she could not locate a bedroom window. Terra's heart sank...just how much, like the fact that Raven didn't have a bedroom window, had she forgotten about her life as a Titan?

Whether it was gut instinct, fear, or blind desperation, she suddenly understood that clearing the air with Raven first, before going any further, was a must. Though she decided to make contact with Raven in a most unconventional way, she made the choice to incorporate a good, old-fashioned knock, even if it were on the tower's exterior wall and not Raven's bedroom door. Go big or go home, she told herself before pounding on the wall. She knocked heartily and then paused, holding her plaque—and her breath—hoping, hovering, and awaiting a reaction from Raven.

If only I hadn't met Slade..., Terra ruminated.

Then what? You really think that if you hadn't met Slade that he wouldn't have chosen you? the voice responded to her internal dialogue, spooking her enough to cause her to freeze in her mid-air tracks. Even if you had never met the Teen Titans that day, never approached Slade, he eventually would have sought you out and convinced you to join up with him. He was not to be deterred from commandeering your powers for himself once he determined you were his best avenue for ruling the world.

No, no! Absolutely not! she rallied against the intrusive voice. Sighing, Terra introspectively berated herself. Don't bother lying to yourself; you eventually would have agreed to the offer he made in that diamond mine. She continued to beat herself up about the devastation she had caused by choosing Slade, over all the other potential instructors, to be the teacher who could help her harness her powers.

Sadly, I am just as desperate now as I was then...so, really, nothing's changed. Taking in deep, cleansing breaths helped give her clarity. Yes, the desperation factor is there, but for vastly different reasons—back then I allowed myself to get sucked into Slade's evil clutches because I couldn't control my powers. Now I'm just desperate to help the team any way I can. Intention matters, she assured herself. So just stop with the pity party already and find Raven. Focus on that and the rest will take care of itself.

Pushing forward, Terra contemplated how she was going to get inside and mend bridges with Raven before reconciling with the rest of the group. Having already knocked steadily on the wall to no avail, Terra's posture sagged to match her mood. So, what now? In order to show that she didn't do things in a reckless, under-Slade's-influence fashion any longer, she decided to try knocking along different locations of Raven's exterior bedroom wall versus committing B & E. Now lower and to the left, her knock sounded differently, as if there might be some electrical or plumbing in the wall, which might just do the trick at helping the sound reverberate through the walls better.

With nothing to lose at this point, she opted for upping her strategy to include morse code even though she had no way of knowing if Raven had ever studied it or not. Having learned to rattle off dits and dahs in high school with her friends instead of passing notes as a great way to talk during class without getting caught, she thought she'd give it a shot now. She tapped on the wall, announcing that it was her, Terra, and that she had come to clear the air. For a second, Terra pondered why she hadn't thought of using morse code on Robin's window, since he was technologically inclined, but fear and the fact that she hadn't thought this thing all the way through had clouded her reasoning, and, if she was being honest with herself, choosing Robin to be the person she broke the ice with felt like the wrong way to approach the team.

As hope began to dwindle that Raven was receiving her message, a black force appeared on the wall, looking annoyed at what was causing the obnoxious racket.

"Terra?" the face asked in disbelief.

"Yes...," she replied hesitantly, hopeful that she was about to start a conversation with the one teammate who hadn't been gung-ho to call her a friend from the jump.

Well, as I live and breathe! I do believe it's Terra in the flesh! Suspicious, Raven kept her eyes narrowed on Terra. She noted however, that, unlike the first time Terra had returned, she didn't feel any lingering maleficent intent coming from the girl. But because this was so out of the blue and could very well be a trap, Raven maintained a healthy dose of skepticism about Terra's suspect appearance. Terra's past betrayal was one of epic proportions, and Raven unabashedly conveyed her feelings with narrowed lids, because the trust was not there—Terra was in the red when it came to that.

Taking everything in and surmising Terra was not a danger to her person, Raven vaguely recognized the benign item that Terra was holding and surreptitiously read the words on the stone. But why is she here, especially now, after everything?

Beast Boy had mentioned seeing a girl identical to Terra downtown when the Lufetahnese had first attacked and that her statue was gone, which helped validate the identity of the person hovering before her now being Terra. Truth be told, however, she appeared a Titan rookie, the way she clung to her plaque like her life depended on it.

Raven's mind raced as she recalled a conversation she'd had about Terra: "The last time we saw her, she wasn't exactly one of the good guys." Although Terra eventually betrayed Slade and saved the city, sacrificing her own life, she double-crossed us first. But even Robin has made mistakes, such as when he tried to fake a deal with Slade as Red X in order to learn more about him, and we still trust him.

Raven's guard began to drop ever so slightly even as she struggled with her skepticism and doubt. We did forgive Terra and officially named her a Teen Titan; it's right there on that plaque. But this goes far deeper than trust—this is about loyalty.

Terra stared into Raven's eyes for the briefest of moments; an odd combination of grief, fear, and hope passed between them. During Raven's deliberation about Terra, Terra had been making assessments of her own, one of which she was not ready to voice. Terra determined it was vital to keep that one thought to herself—there was something different about Raven, but Terra couldn't quite put her finger on it. She doesn't look any different, Terra thought, but does she seem somewhat more...no, impossible! Raven would never be capable of this much emotion!

"You're wondering if I really am Terra and if I haven't lost my knack for villaintry," she blurted out bluntly. Taking a breath and capitalizing on this chance to begin dialogue with an old teammate, Terra dove in, "It's really me, and I am here to show both that I have changed my spying ways and that I was in the wrong when I betrayed you all. I really didn't want to become a villainous traitor, but..."

"But?" Raven repeated, honing in on that small but mighty word that Terra had just played to excuse her treasonous past behavior. "What excuse could you possibly have that would erase all the nihilistic misery you caused?"

A solitary, heavy tear fell, causing Terra to wipe her cheek. She deserved every word of this rebuke; she had known this was not going to be easy, but she didn't think she'd be a crybaby about it. Chastising herself for her weak behavior, she straightened herself, terrified that the team would cast her out; she determined there was only one way through this, and that was to soldier on, no matter the end result. "I am here to apologize, show you that I have changed. I can't avoid my past any longer."

"I must say, I'm impressed, Terra," Raven openly admitted, passing through her bedroom wall to levitate in front of this girl who was doing an awkward job of hovering in place. Reminding herself not to go soft from Terra's display of waterworks, since that was the exact same tool of manipulation her ex-teammate had used the first time she had tried to rejoin the group, Raven carried on matter-of-factly, "You were insecure then, back when you couldn't control your powers, and, quite frankly, you still are. I wouldn't have thought, after Beast Boy told us you were determined to be a normal girl, that you would have ever dared to return, especially after all the terror you put us through."

Raven paused, as if deliberating on what to say next. "Though we have not forgotten your disregard for justice or your betrayal among us Titans, we have forgiven you; that plaque you are so desperately clinging to is proof of that." Terra's eyes lit up with a glimmer of hope as Raven continued, "However, I must warn you, Slade is still a very sore subject for Robin, being that those two are arch-enemies."

"Are"? Did Raven just say "are", as if Slade were still alive? Terra shook her head in rejection of that notion. Raven must have just misspoken, which is completely understandable, considering the awkward situation I have just sprung on her by showing up unannounced.

Raven stopped talking after noticing her old teammate's odd, jerky movements as Terra found herself fighting back tears of joy and sorrow... Terra was over the moon that she was actually talking with Raven in person, but the critical words she was absorbing clearly spelled out that the Titans may have forgiven her but they had not forgotten, and they held all the precarious cards when it came to rejecting or accepting her back into the fold.

Even with the jumble of mixed emotions swarming her heart and mind, it dawned on her that, if granted a chance to prove herself, the team could not redeem her; redemption would be hers alone to manifest and somehow that gave her immense comfort but also a huge burden-of-proof mountain to climb.

Raven, watching Terra's face with keen interest as her countenance seesawed between hope and despair, began assessing the big picture in real-time. "So why are you really here?" Raven asked with obvious cynicism in her voice. "This, what we're doing here," she waved her hand back and forth between the two, "this doesn't feel like a simple apology tour. So, break it down for me, why are you here and why now?" Raven repeated, although she had a feeling she already knew the answer. "And don't give me anything but the truth, because we've been down the road of deception with you before, and it wasn't pretty."

Terra took a deep breath but no words left her mouth. This was where the rubber met the road; win, lose, or draw, the truth was the only way forward. Not realizing she had been holding back an intake of air, she expelled it all out before admitting with a bowed head, "You are right; this isn't just a simple apology tour. I have come back to help protect Jump City from the beast that ferociously attacked the team in the supermarket."

Raven, holding back from peppering Terra with the million and one questions and admonitions she had running through her head, bit her tongue and instead just stared discerningly at Terra. Now she knew why Terra was here, her suspicions confirmed—she thought she could apologize and be invited back on the team. She had a lot of nerve...but wasn't nerve exactly what the team needed now more than ever? Hmm... This was not something Raven had thought she would be mulling over today. She needed to call an impromptu meeting with the team in order to make heads or tails of this new development.

As if reading Raven's mind, "So, um...," Terra began, cautiously broaching the subject of the team. "Where's Robin? And Starfire? I couldn't find them anywhere," Terra unabashedly admitted, even though confessing to stalking was probably not earning her any brownie points.

If she were playing nice before, Raven ripped off the politeness bandaid, "That right there, you acknowledging that you have been skulking around here is the worst reintroduction impression you could have just made. Not your finest hour, but definitely not your worst either," she nodded at Terra knowingly before adding, "because we certainly are all aware of what it looks like when you are at your worst."

Thankfully, a set of doors could suddenly be heard slamming closed and two pair of footsteps heard padding along the corridor just outside Raven's room. "We need to put this conversation on pause. I have some important business to attend to," Raven insisted upon recognizing her teammates' footfalls in the hallway. "Make yourself comfortable in your old room until I get back," she stated with a tone that implied she was being invited in under the condition she was not to go roaming the halls in search of the others.

This invitation shocked not only Terra, but Raven herself, but she understood that her teammates needed to be notified of Terra's presence. "I'm going to head over to Main Ops," Raven announced, "and let everyone know you're here and why. They will, no doubt, be curious and want to do a scratch-n-sniff test with you in person at some point."

Terra glanced at the stone plaque in her hands and hugged it tightly to her chest determinedly. Do or die time was upon her. Whatever Raven brought to the team, Terra wished with all her might that Raven was able to see her for who she truly was now and present her in an honest light, but the reality was that the team didn't know who she was now. Not even Terra knew how she would act under certain circumstances if she was being honest with herself.

Terra nodded, tearing up at the anguish of this much anticipated moment. Wasting no time, Raven stared intently at Terra, and a black force abruptly covered Terra and pulled her through the wall and into her old bedroom. In the blink of an eye, Terra found herself standing inside her former room; but before she could take in her surroundings or make herself comfortable, Raven had already gone. Now all she could do was wait.

Raven beelined it to the Main Ops room with purpose as was her traditional demeanor. Though she knew she had potentially game-changing intel, Robin and Starfire only shot her their typical, cursory once-over, not noting any anxiety or tension that would raise the alarm. And just as Raven had mentally predicted, Cyborg and Beast Boy were completely engulfed in their video game, oblivious to her presence.

Getting on with this most pressing business, Raven made an exaggerated attempt at clearing her throat. "I have an important announcement to make." At this, Robin swung his head around sharply, while Starfire merely gazed at her with mild curiosity. When Raven only heard a soft "Mm-hmm" come from Cyborg and nothing from Beast Boy, she projected her voice to a volume and urgency that would penetrate even the most serious of gamers' attention, "Terra is back." She allowed the words to settle in only long enough to inform them of Terra's presence but not long enough for them to begin peppering her with questions or start their own side conversations about this shocking revelation. "I believe she's here on an apology tour," she nodded her head to one side to emphasize what was coming next, "an apology tour with a kick."

"What?" Robin exclaimed. "So she's still in our city?"

"Not just in our city, but in her old room."

Like Robin, this was definitely not the announcement Starfire had been expecting, and she was doubting the authenticity of it. "Is this your idea of a joke?"

Raven stared at her friend with one eyebrow cocked higher than the other, as if to say, 'Since when do I make jokes?'

Cyborg turned to Raven to clarify, "Did you say 'Terra' as in our Terra?" All the while, Beast Boy had kept his attention squarely on his video game, which irritated Raven to no end. So, not waiting for Beast Boy to level up, Raven strode over to the couch. "Can you stand up, Cyborg?; I need to rearrange the furniture."

Perplexed, but compliant, Cyborg rose, and within seconds, Raven used her telekinesis to raise the couch into the air and tilt it at a sharp angle, forcing Beast Boy to transform into a crow in order to not face-plant on the floor.

"Hey!" Beast Boy whined in annoyance, once human again. "What'd you do that for? My plane finally got ahead of Cyborg's! I was just about to win!"

"I wouldn't have had to shake you off of the couch if you had paused your game long enough to hear the news."

"What could possibly be more important than me winning this game?" he asked, tapping his foot in defiance as if to say, 'You've got nothing that could top my victory over Cyborg.'

Raven raised her brow as if to say, 'Oh, yes, I most certainly do.' and then hit him with, "Terra has returned!"

"That's not funny, Raven," the green boy shot back. "Don't say that unless it's actually true!"

Setting down the couch, Raven levitated herself to stare directly into Beast Boy's eyes before forcefully enunciating, "It is true!" Then she calmly lowered herself to the floor and returned the couch cushions to their original position. Before Beast Boy or anyone else uttered another word, one of the surveillance cameras alerted them to a figure standing just outside the Main Ops doors.

As if to prove Raven's point, Terra appeared on the monitors, still as the statue she had been frozen into all that time ago. Though all mouths hung agape at Terra's presence, Raven was the most gobsmacked, having told Terra to stay put. Raven would have thought she would have not strayed from her bedroom as a way of proving that her word was now her bond. However, Raven did understand what Terra must be thinking—that it was now or never, and she was not going to miss this opportunity to speak on her own behalf.

As if on autopilot when a guest rings the doorbell, Raven granted her access, and Terra's mind ran wild with fear of the unknown as the doors slid open, displaying a room that felt so very familiar yet so foreign at the same time. What would they say to her? Would they forgive her and, more importantly, would they grant her the title of Teen Titan once again? And how would Beast Boy treat her, after she had refused to admit she'd remembered him, or rather refused to want to remember him during their talks?

One conversation with Beast Boy flashed across her mind: "Why would you want to be friends with someone who was so much trouble?" she had asked.

"Because I know who she really is," he had answered.

Recalling his kind words gave her the courage to take four terrifying yet potentially life-altering steps into the room. She had been in some horrific battles, but somehow this journey of four steps was the scariest of all. Quaking in her shoes, she forced her mind to take in her surroundings and size up the mood of the crowd.

From the moment Terra crossed the Main Ops threshold and saw the old gang standing around the couch, she felt their eyes fixate on her as if she were a target and her face, the bullseye. Suffocating from their intense scrutiny, Terra forced a deep breath of air into her lungs as she took in each former teammate, from Robin to Starfire to Raven to Cyborg to Beast Boy.

"Terra?" Beast Boy breathed, his eyes wider than the moon.

"Yes...," she answered softly as she raised up her plaque as proof of identification. Then, in case anyone had doubts, she began keenly focusing all her concentration on it, her hands and eyes glowing yellow as she made it circle the room like a boomerang in flight.

The team witnessing Terra's telltale yellow glow when she moved earth was all the proof they needed to be absolutely certain of her identity. As a collective look of understanding swept through the group, Beast Boy and Starfire ran up to Terra. Miraculously, Beast Boy beat her to the punch and began enveloping Terra in a giant, boa constrictor hug. The unexpected embrace broke Terra's concentration on the plaque in flight, causing it to fall to the floor and shatter. There was no time to be disappointed, though, because Terra was being engulfed by the two most important arms in all the world and that gave her the most crazy-fabulous sense of belonging a girl could ask for.

Terra exuberantly returned the hug as euphoria coursed through her body, followed by unexpected, uncontrollable sobs that flooded her face with plump, salty tears of joy. As her body shuddered from the emotional release, Beast Boy relaxed his grip on her just enough for Terra to look up and recognize that he was attempting to cover up the fact that he was sniffling like a baby.

When Beast Boy finally detangled himself from Terra, she snapped back to the reality that they were not the only two people in the room. As she stole a quick glance at Robin, her mind began to race and the joy of Beast Boy's embrace vaporized. It was then and there Terra realized that forgiveness only went so far.

A hug is only a hug, not a return invitation. So what happens now?

Standing there awkwardly amongst her old teammates, and yet feeling so very alone, Terra understood that the team must initiate whatever dialogue came next, even if it meant standing in the most excruciating silence...

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