A/N: Hello! It's been a while, sorry for the delay yet again …
I'm trying my very hardest to get back on track, but I can't really make any promises as to when my fics will be getting updated/completed. Please know that I haven't abandoned my stories, I am always thinking about them but lately writing just hasn't been as easy for me.
This chapter is not my best (I feel like I say that a lot these days …) but I'm pretty excited that I've managed to get a chapter done, hopefully you like it :)
Thanks for being patient with me. Enjoy!
20th December 2017
Erin knocks on the door to Amelia's office, her boss smiling as she looks up.
"Erin, hey, come on in." Amelia says, saving the work on her computer before turning to face Erin, "How are you doing?"
"Okay. Starting to feel kind of crammed." Erin laughs rubbing her stomach, feeling the baby shift in response.
Amelia chuckles too, "Yeah, just wait. It gets impossibly worse."
Erin sees the look on her boss' face, the almost forced nature of her smile. Her body is stiff, sitting too straight in her seat, "I'm assuming you didn't call me in here just to chat. So, what's going on?"
Amelia takes a breath, clasping her hands together atop the desk as she says, "I just got word on your transfer …"
Erin doesn't need to hear the words, already knowing what Amelia's going to tell her, "It's not looking likely at this point in time."
"Shit," Erin mutters, "I guess it makes sense. I haven't even been here a year, don't really have the privilege to start transferring anywhere else on demand."
"Honestly, that wouldn't be an issue normally but, given the nature of your employment agreement, the higher ups aren't so keen on transferring you back to Chicago. Not to mention, there aren't exactly open positions at your level or even above at the moment." Amelia explains, "I could potentially look for positions at a lower level for you, but they'll come with a significant pay decrease."
Erin sighs, "So my options are to stick it out here, raising my kid on my own and shipping them between here and Chicago because my mother didn't follow the terms of our agreement with the feds, and they're now taking it out on me. Or, take a pay cut to live in the city I need to raise my kid in, at the risk of not being able to financially support the both of us adequately. Or quit my job and try to find something once I get to Chicago?"
"I'm sorry, Erin."
"It's not your fault," Erin's quick to assure her boss, "It's just a shitty hand we got dealt, I guess. But thank you for trying."
"I'll keep trying, we'll see what we can do; I just wanted to let you know, I wanted you to have time to make a backup plan."
"I appreciate that," Erin smiles, standing, "Are you coming?"
"Just for an hour. My wife's been hounding me for a date night. With all these ops we've been running back-to-back, we haven't had much time to ourselves lately."
Erin nods and they walk out together. It's her last day - she's officially on maternity leave and the team had greeted her this morning with the news that they had organised a mini baby shower/maternity leave party at Jane's house. It had taken her completely by surprise. She had bonded with the members of her team over the last few months, whenever they were in the office and not on assignments, but Erin didn't realise they cared this deeply for her; that they wanted to celebrate her pregnancy and this new stage of life with her so badly.
…
Jane's townhouse was cosy, the fireplace and Christmas tree twinkling in the corner of the living room casting out a warm glow. It was a small group, just Jane, her wife Miranda and their two kids Sammy and Seth, along with Sloan and his wife Tanya, and Tommy on his own as usual; a self-proclaimed, eternal bachelor. Jane had also invited Olivia and Teddy as well, after Erin had mentioned how sad they'd both been to miss her baby shower in Chicago.
While the task force was a large group of people, Erin had gotten to know the three of them very well over the eight months since she'd been in New York - since the four of them were under Amelia's direct supervision, and were the ones to handle the groundwork for their cases before anything officially went to the task force; the five of them spent a lot of time together. Amelia had been understanding of Erin's situation from the get-go, and Erin had never felt more grateful that of all the bosses she could've gotten stuck with at the FBI, Amelia was the one she was lucky enough to work under; Amelia had used Erin's pregnancy as an opportunity to teach her different roles within the unit, to work on a larger scale of their operations. She and Jane were partners until Erin was placed on desk duty, so they spent a lot of time together anyway, both bonding over their love of music; Erin can still recall Jane's wide-eyed expression when she showed her the signed posters she had from some of their favourite bands. Sloan's wife had lived in Chicago as a child, and loved chatting with Erin whenever she was visiting her husband; so Erin spent a few nights here and there after shift having dinner with them and getting to know one another. Tommy and Erin weren't very close at first, their relationship consisted mostly of Tommy playfully hitting on her because he thought she was single; once he met Jay, and found out Erin was pregnant, their friendship changed; Tommy was the oldest of four and had three younger sisters, all of which had babies of their own, so he had even more of a soft spot for Erin once he learned of her pregnancy.
"Finally, the guest of honour has arrived!" Wilson greeted happily, coming over to wrap Erin in a hug, kissing her forehead, "About time you graced us with your presence."
"With the way I've been feeling these days, Tommy, you should be glad I came at all." Erin snorted, elbowing his side playfully.
"What's the matter, you feeling okay?" He asks, frowning as he does a onceover.
"I'm fine, just a bit tired." she shrugs.
"Do you wanna lay down? I'm sure Jane won't mind if you take a nap in the guest room."
Erin shakes her head, "I'm carrying a little human inside of me, being tired is a constant state for me these days. I'll be fine, I promise."
"Hmm, okay, well sit down and rest your feet at least. You're the guest of honour, everyone can come to you." Wilson says, leading her to the couch to sit down. One by one everyone came over to greet her, Teddy sitting beside her while he chatted with Tommy.
"I can't believe you're leaving us so soon," Jane said, "Are you sure there's nothing we can do to change your mind?"
Erin smiled sadly as she looked around at the group. The thought of leaving New York and this team made her heart ache. They'd only known each other a short amount of time, but she was going to miss them all so much. They'd become very important to her very quickly - she couldn't have asked for a better team to transfer to, a second family to be brought into. The team had been established for almost eight years, everyone knew each other well; but they welcomed Erin as if she had always belonged. It was rare to find such a connection with people in this line of work - Erin knew that all too well.
"Hey, no waterworks tonight," Sloan chimed in, handing Erin a glass of water, "This is supposed to be a joyous occasion!"
Erin laughed brokenly, blinking away the tears that had emerged in her eyes at some point. She turned to Teddy and smiled, his eyes questioning if she was okay, his hand on hers in her lap offering his support. Erin took a deep breath as she looked around the room as everyone began to cheers to her and this 'new stage of life' - she knew going back to Chicago was the right thing to do, but in this moment she allowed herself to feel the sadness that had been creeping up since she first told Jay she would move back. This was the right thing for her family, but she was going to miss her team in New York, as well as Teddy and Olivia, more than she realised. It was hard, saying goodbye, and as she clinked glasses with each of her teammates, Erin quietly wished that they would all still be a part of her life in some way. Erin hoped that this goodbye wasn't a permanent one.
The party hadn't lasted long. Olivia and Amelia were the first to head out, needing to get home to their son and wife respectively. Tommy had gotten a text from one of his 'friends' and dipped out right after they'd had dinner, but not before making a crass joke about what would be his dessert for the night; making everyone at the table groan and gag as he walked out. Sloan was getting ready to leave as well - Tanya was a little wine drunk and getting handsy, to everyone else's amusement.
Erin watched from the other side of the room as Teddy sat by the Christmas tree with Jane's kids, talking animatedly with them. She had no idea what was being said, but the smiles on their faces and the laughter that echoed across the room filled Erin's heart with happiness, and a little sadness too. Erin loved seeing how happy her brother was, how well he was doing after everything he had gone through; it meant the world to her to know that he had come out the other side stronger. But it was bittersweet, watching him with Seth and Sammy; it felt like she was robbing him of these moments with her own child, taking the experience of uncle-hood away from him. She knew that Teddy understood, but it didn't stop the guilt from striking her sharp and hard at any moment.
"Hey," Jane said quietly as she saddled up beside her partner, "How are you doing?"
"Good." Erin says, eyes still on Teddy.
Jane smiles as she watches her kids, "He's great with them."
"They're great kids." Erin adds.
"Not always." Jane groans, "Some days, I swear, I'm tempted to drop them off at a fire station like in the movies."
Erin giggles at her friend's dramatics, "You and I both know you'd not even get around the block before you'd be coming back to get them."
"Ugh, you're right. I can't live without them. You'll see soon enough." She says, bumping Erin's shoulder.
"Yeah." Erin exhales heavily, her hand cradling her stomach.
"You don't sound too excited." Jane says.
"No, I am, it's just … a lot of mixed emotions lately. I want this baby, I do. I think I'm just scared of what motherhood will look like for me. My mother was … not someone that was fit to be a mother. The closer I get to the baby being here, the more I've been thinking of my own childhood, my relationship with my own mother; I don't want to make those kinds of mistakes, I don't ever want to do to my child what she did to me. I don't want to screw this up."
"It's perfectly normal to be nervous or scared, Erin. Every parent is. But being a good parent isn't about doing everything perfectly - that's an impossible standard to set for yourself. You're going to make mistakes, you're not always going to get it right; what matters is that you never give up trying to do your best for your kid. And so far, I think you're doing a pretty damn good job."
"Thanks Janey," Erin smiles, "I think if my kid turns out half as good as yours, I'll have done a decent job. I don't know if I tell you this enough, but you're a pretty kick ass mama."
"Oh I know." Jane smirks, making Erin laugh, "In all seriousness though, I'm gonna miss having you around. You've been a welcomed breath of fresh air to our old team. It was nice to have a new face around."
"I'm gonna miss you guys a lot, but I have to do this. A part of me wishes things were different, but I know that this is what's best for my baby."
"As long as you're sure, then you do what you gotta do. Just know, you always have a place here, with us; no matter what." Jane smiles and wraps Erin in a tight hug, both of them trying hard not to cry.
"And you're sure about this?"
"Of course."
"Like, really sure? Because this isn't something you can just undo if you realise it's a mistake, once it's done; it's done."
Jay rolled his eyes at his brother, reaching across the dinner table and snatching the ring box out of his hands, "Believe me, Will, I know how serious of a decision this all is. If I'm being honest, it's something that's been on my mind for a while now, I just wasn't willing to acknowledge it until now."
"Why not?" Will asks.
"I don't know, so much has happened lately. Saying goodbye to Erin, then finding out she's pregnant, dealing with Voight and Pat and doing all of this long distance stuff … it takes a toll. And I was scared that we might not survive it." Jay sighs, "But we have. And that's how I know that, no matter what comes next, we're going to keep surviving; together. I want to be with her for the rest of my life, Will, and this is the only way I see for us going forward."
"Okay." Will says, standing up and hugging his brother, "You know I've got your back, no matter what. I just- it's my duty as big brother to make sure you're looking out for yourself as well, you know that."
"I know. I appreciate it." Jay mumbles against his brother's shoulder, "But I know this is the right choice, I've never been so sure of anything in my life."
When they sit back down, Will asks, "Have you told Dad?"
Jay shakes his head, "I'm supposed to be picking him up for lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna talk about it with him then. He, uh, actually kind of inspired the idea."
Will smiles, "You two seem to be doing better."
"We are," Jay agrees, "It's slow progress but we're getting there. I'm glad we've cleared the air, I just … need to learn to let go of the anger I have. Dr Charles is helping me with that, too, and seeing Dad - getting to spend time with him like this - it really helps."
Will nods, "You know, I was worried that you two might never get the chance to fix things. After his heart attack … I'm just glad that's not the case."
"Yeah, I know. I'm glad we are too. I'm actually looking forward to hanging out with him tomorrow, surprisingly. Told him I'd take him for a ride on the bike." Jay grins.
"I still can't believe Erin let you keep that thing." Will scoffs, "It's a death trap."
Jay smirked, "You're just jealous my girl's cool enough to let me have one. Natalie would castrate you if she knew you were even considering such a thing."
As a birthday present to himself, Jay had bought a motorbike, which only arrived last month. Truthfully, he had been worried about Erin's reaction - there was no telling what mood she would be in, pregnancy hormones were a deadly thing - but it turned out he had nothing to fret over; Erin had been excited for him, and a little jealous that she couldn't fit on the bike herself; after making him promise to wear all the protective gear in the world, and take her for a spin as soon as the baby was born, she had simply told him 'I know it's something you've wanted for a long time, I'm not going to stand in the way of that. Just be careful. We need you safe and in one piece, okay?'
"Lucky for her, she will never have to worry about that because I would never willingly put my life at risk by driving one of those death machines."
"It's not a death machine. I admit, it's a little riskier than a car, but I wear all my protective gear and do everything possible to keep myself safe." Jay argues, "Why don't you let me take you for a ride? We can go right now."
"No way in hell." Will growls.
"Come on, even Pat's giving it a go. Don't be a party pooper, Will." Jay teased.
The buzzing of Jay's phone on the table cuts Will's reply short, "Saved by the bell." the redhead mutters when he sees Erin's name flash on the screen.
"Don't think I'm letting this go, big brother." Jay says before answering the call, "Hey, baby."
"Hey, baby!" Will mocks, making Jay smack his brother upside the head.
"Hi Will." Erin chuckles.
"She says get a life." Jay calls out, walking to his bedroom and shutting the door on his brother, mid-making some lewd gestures.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you guys."
"Don't be silly, you're never a disruption." Jay smiles sitting on the edge of the bed, "How are you? How was the party?"
"Okay." Erin sighs, "It was a nice night."
Jay frowns, "That doesn't sound very reassuring. Did something happen, is the baby-"
"The baby's fine, Jay. I'm fine, really, I- I spoke with Amelia today, about my transfer." Erin whispers, "It's not a possibility for me right now. Bunny flaking on our deal with the FBI caused some bad blood between me and the higher ups, and there's not any positions available at my rank anyways."
"So, what does that mean for you?" Jay asks.
"Best case scenario, I transfer to a lower division, which means I take a significant pay cut, likely with a less flexible work schedule. Or I quit my job and try to find something once I get there." Erin groans, "I shouldn't be surprised, really; I knew the odds weren't in our favour, but I didn't think the options would be this shitty either."
"A pay cut isn't the end of the world, Er. We'll manage."
"You and I both know that isn't true. We've done the maths over and over." Erin argues.
Jay falls back on the bed, closing his eyes. She wasn't wrong. They had been looking into their finances; wages, savings, everything; trying to figure out how able they were to financially support their growing family. The mortgage on the apartment was still a few years away from being paid off, Jay and Will were responsible for helping cover Pat's apartment too; factoring in all the costs a new baby brought along, and they were managing to get by. They were living comfortably now, but Jay and Erin both knew that a pay cut would not be as manageable for them, and if Erin had to quit her job to move back to Chicago it would be completely unmanageable.
"We'll figure it out, Erin." Jay offers.
"Will we? Because I've been wracking my brain all day trying to find a solution and I- I don't know what to do. I have to work, Jay. Not just because we need the income, because this job it-it's part of who I am. And I know it's selfish to be worrying about that of all things but I can't just give it all up-"
"It's not selfish, Erin. And you're not giving it all up. Just take a breath, okay, let's not jump to the worst case scenario." Jay interrupts, "Maybe we can ask Voight for help."
"No. No, there's nothing he can do. I can't be a Chicago Police officer again, you know that. Asking Voight will do nothing but make him stress more about us." Erin takes a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm her racing heart, "We'll figure it out. You're right, we will, I just … I'm worried. It feels like, every time we make a decision for our future, something else comes up and pushes us into a corner."
"I know, babe. No one said it would be easy, but we're gonna figure it out. Together."
"Together." Erin agrees, smiling as she says, "I love you, you know that? You always seem to talk me off the ledge without me even realising it."
"That's what I'm here for," Jay smiles back, "I love you, too." He glances over at the clock, it's almost 11:30 for him which means it's past midnight for Erin, "Get some sleep, okay? And try not to let your mind wander too much - the stress isn't good for you or the baby."
"I know," Erin groans, "I'll try. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Sweet dreams." Jay says.
"Night babe."
They hang up but Jay doesn't move straight away. He stares at the ceiling, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in his bones; the one that's been there since Erin told him she wanted to move back home. He knew in his heart that Chicago could make her happy, but there was a part of him that was starting to question just how this would all work; he'd been naively believing that they would just figure things out as they go, but now that he'd started to reflect on their situation more, Jay knew there was a lot for them to figure out. It wasn't as easy as wanting to be here, with him.
A knock sounded on his door and Jay sat up as Will stepped inside, "Everything okay?"
"Not exactly," Jay murmurs, smoothing his hands along the top of his pants, "But it will be. Like I told you, I've got it all planned out."
Jay zipped through the streets of Chicago with ease. Even with the bulky, protective layers of his motorcycle clothing, he could still feel the biting chill as his body moved against the wind. When he reached the traffic lights, he stopped and set one foot down on the ground to stabilise himself and closed his eyes for a moment. He really loved being on this bike. There was something freeing about it, the calm he felt breezing through traffic, the fluidity when he eased around a corner and his body tilted the bike sideways and seamlessly came upright with it. It felt like second nature to him, as if it was something he'd been doing his whole life; there was freedom in the rhythm of it all.
The horn of the car behind him jolted Jay out of his thoughts and, seeing the green light, he lifted his foot back onto the footpeg and adjusted the throttle, the bike moving effortlessly along the road. Jay's eyes wandered to the sights around him, the people walking along the sidewalk, the couples chatting in their car as he passed them. It all felt so happy - Jay felt happy. For the first time in years, he was looking forward to what the day would bring.
He was actually excited to spend time with his dad.
It was a new feeling where Pat Halstead was concerned - one Jay can't ever remember experiencing before. He can vaguely remember a time in his childhood where he felt genuinely happy to be around his father, but those memories were buried deep under all the painful ones he associated with the elder Halstead in recent years.
But they were working on changing that, and Jay was doing his best to focus less on who his father was in the past, and more on the version of his father who was showing up now. Dr Charles had been incredibly helpful in Jay making progress with Pat - the therapist had given him a few different techniques to help him control his anger and to give himself a little time and space to process things in a conversation properly; recognising that one of his biggest issues in communicating with Pat was that Jay often heard what was being said and interpreted it negatively; he was listening but not really hearing what Pat was trying to convey, and it had been one of the biggest issues in understanding his father. It took a lot of time and patience for both of them, and a lot of restraint on Jay's part, but they were doing better at talking with each other; they weren't so scared to bring up the harder conversation topics, and Jay was finding it easier each day to talk about his mother. Kathleen Halstead was a woman that deserved to be acknowledged and remembered, and Jay was grateful that he and Pat were able to talk about her more; he wanted to remember as much of her as he could, so that he could pass down those memories to his own child when the time came; he wanted his son or daughter to know just how much their grandmother would've loved them, and just how much she had meant to Jay.
He didn't hear the sirens at first. Didn't notice the wailing sound, rising and lowering in pitch as it came closer and closer; not until they had driven right past him at an intersection. Jay didn't think much about it, silently hoping that whoever those ambulances and firetrucks were racing towards would be okay. Until he turned onto the same street after the traffic light turned green, and the siren - instead of remaining a constant noise in the distance - started to grow closer and closer. It was then that his stomach started to flip, his heart began sinking in his chest, and that glow of happiness that was radiating through his body started to dissipate as he picked up speed, racing closer to Pat's apartment building as smoke filled the sky ahead of him.
A/N: I told y'all there was one more bit of drama to come! Please leave a review and let me know you're still out there, I promise I will do my best to update as soon as I can!
Until next time :)