Day 18/243, Story 12, Chapter 2

"I… have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid… your wife and child did not make it. I am very sorry."

My father once had a dream. That dream was to create the perfect being - a perfect being that did not rely on talent, but rather hard work.

I decided to reject my father's dream.

I rejected my father's dream by making human connections. I rejected his dream by learning more about humanity. I rejected his dream… by learning about human warmth.

I grew up in the White Room. I experienced pain so much that I could no longer feel it - I became numb to it all.

So… why do I feel so cold? And… why does it hurt so much?

I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. That face… it looks familiar… oh, it's my father-in-law. I think… he's trying to say something to me, but… I can't quite make out what it is he is trying to say.

I… think he's starting to cry.

Of course he would.

His daughter just died.

…

Wait.

His daughter just died.

His… daughter just… died.

So that means…

…Oh.

I unconvincingly brushed him aside. My arms were butter, but his arms were oil. He tried to grab hold again, but I didn't let him. I couldn't let him. Because…

Just… because.

I started to walk towards my car.

I opened the door.

I climbed inside.

I drove home.

I opened the door.

I hit the floor.

I sleep.

I lied.

I won't sleep.

I can't sleep.

I'm hungry.

I want to eat.

I don't want to eat.

I'm thirsty.

I want to drink.

I don't want to drink.

I get up.

I walk.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Even if I ate, I don't think this hunger would go away.

Even if I drank, I don't think this thirst would go away.

Even if I slept, I don't think this fatigue would go away.

…

Maybe a bit of food won't hurt. A bit of water. A bit of rest.

I eat. I drink. I sleep.

I woke up.

I wiped my eyes.

I thought I should think a bit more.

I thought.

What did I want?

Well, that was simple.

Could I get it?

The answer was also simple.

So, what did I want?

I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, weep, even, just like I used to when I was younger, but even that, for me, would be too much right now. I was too weak.

I… was not strong enough.

I checked my phone.

How long have I been out?

A day?

Oh, a message.

My workplace has given me an indefinite leave of absence - not that it would have mattered to me if they didn't. 'Everything else' - it means nothing at all to me now.

There is even a missed call on my phone. Well, a few more than that. Quite a lot, actually. They're all from the same person. I'll answer them later. If not later, then… tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.

Days have passed by, lasting both an eternity and a second. I lie here on a futon in the living room. Takeaway boxes and empty instant noodle cups lay strewn on the floor. Post has built up. When was the last time I saw sunlight? All of the curtains in all of the rooms have been drawn shut, bar two - the master bedroom, that my wife and I used to share, and the room that was going to be used by my newborn child. I cannot find it in me to sleep in that bed again; the endless nights, the simple, mundane moments that remind me of you. Everything and anything in that room will break me, I know it. I have locked the door for the time being and for now it remains shut.

A… Ari… Sakaya… my beloved wife, how do you think I felt the first time that we met? When you first said the words 'White Room' to me? Fear? Anger? Surprisingly, it was neither of those - rather, it was relief. Relief that perhaps, there existed a person, even just one person, who could share this burden that I carry, someone who could sympathise with my situation, someone who could know… not necessarily understand, but know what I was going through.

From then, I thought you were different. A special kind of different.

Time and time again, you would show that brilliant intelligence of yours, your captivating ingenuity, acting as a master of the information that you would harvest through your many tentacles. Not only that, you showed that you were more than capable alone, holding your own against me in that chess match… I only regret not being able to show you fully my abilities firsthand, thanks to the interference of Acting Director Tsukishiro.

I still remember the first time we walked side by side: you apologised to me for walking slowly. But, my beloved, I was willing to slow down and wait for you, every time. No matter how long it would take for us to get there, I wanted to help you with every step of the way. Because that is what it means to be in a relationship. That is what it means to love.

Looking back, perhaps I was only fearful that if I did not stop and wait for you, you would not hesitate to leave me, walking alone, without doing as much as to call out for my name… especially now. How do I continue to walk without you when I am so used to having you by my side? The smaller steps that I take are now my regular ones, and the regular ones that I used to take have now become my leaps and bounds. I may not walk with a cane like you do… like you did… but for me, you were the support that kept me upright. You were the reason that I decided to keep going, rather than forsake myself and return to the world of white.

The first time that you mentioned those words to me: "human warmth". I did not understand those words then, but you have certainly come to teach me about it now. About how wonderful all of this is. But… you lied to me. My beloved, you lied to me. Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me the truth? You should have been blatant from the start and told me exactly what was going to happen.

You should have told me what would happen when my human warmth would die.

Yes.

For me, you were my human warmth.

Every embrace we shared. Under the covers. In the kotatsu. By the fire. Discreetly, behind closed doors.

Each kiss. As few as the lives we live and as numerous as the stars in the sky, the grains of sand on the coast.

The chill of death has extinguished my fire. My light. My hope.

Do you know when I felt happiest? If you answered our wedding day, then you are incorrect. It was actually the day we made it official - because I already knew, then and there, that once we had started, we would never stop.

And then…

…

I could never forget the time we spent together as a couple. The many hurdles that we had to overcome. Of course, it was not like it was difficult for us. After all, we were the most intelligent couple in all of Japan!

Were… the most intelligent.

But for me, the most vivid memory in my mind is the final conversation that we had together. What you told me. The promise that you made me commit to. That if things were not to turn out the way we wanted, you wanted me to move on. You wanted me to find new happiness.

I was outraged.

Of course there was no way I was going to agree to that!

Besides, what was the point?

Everything was going to turn out fine.

It was so unlike you. You meant everything to me, the same way I meant everything to you. So… why did you find it so easy to let me go?

I didn't even get the chance.

I didn't even get the chance to tell you before you… left.

Because I was so angry.

I regret it.

I regret it profusely.

I…

I apologise.

Oh, yes…

The second room.

It appears… I have been neglecting someone.

My little child. How can I ever make up for our lost time - the time that you never even got to experience? I wanted to watch you grow up, to watch you become a spoiled toddler, to watch you become a rebellious teenager, and to eventually watch you become a wonderful adult… because I knew you would. I would always be a proud father, I would always accept every imperfection about you… it didn't matter to me if you wouldn't become the smartest or the most hard-working little daughter, I would always be there to love and accept you, because that is what it means to be a parent. That is what it means to love someone unconditionally.

But… I have lost that opportunity now. The precious moments that we would have spent together, the precious moments that would turn into precious memories… I have lost it all.

Your first words.

Your first walk.

Your first fall.

Your first time picking up a pencil.

Your first time riding a bike.

I… was meant to be there for each and every one. But… I can't do that if you aren't there.

The child of spring… you remain in an eternal winter.

I wanted to live a happy life. The three of us. Together.

Was that too much to ask?

Now, none of those three things are possible.

…

It's… all my fault.

All of it.

A person is defined by the choices that they make.

It is simple.

This is my punishment. For turning my back on the White Room. I could have had it all - the power to rule Japan, to dominate the Asian continent - the world was my oyster.

But for me - you were my world.

You meant everything to me, and I didn't want anything else.

So… why did I act so greedy? Why did I act that way when I had everything that I ever needed?

I was hoping for a miracle.

I was hoping for the world to align the way I wanted beneath my feet.

But I never noticed… that when the earth moves…

It sweeps you off your feet, keeping you planted to the ground. To reach for the sky, for the stars, is a pipe dream, because your feet will never leave the ground.

If only I never left the White Room.

If only I never enrolled at Advanced Nurturing High School.

If only I never entered Class D.

If only I never met you.

If only I… rejected you. Trampled you. Hurt you so badly that there was no way for you to get up. Left you behind, with no way for you to chase after me. No way for you to hold onto me. No way for you to hold me tight in your arms, whisper to me that everything was going to be okay, that we would get through this, that I would get through this.

If only…

Well, that's all that it is. Only an if.

If only I could turn back time. But if that were the case, time would have turned back already. A long time ago.

I would have awoken from this nightmare. But with that, I would have to leave my dreams behind.

Perhaps I should sleep. Perhaps I should stay in dreamland, and leave this nightmare behind instead.

Rewind back to normal, please.

Hello, Arisu.

A good day to you too, Kiyotaka.

I am glad to see that you are well.

Likewise, I am very glad to see that you are well too.

Well, I must be going now. I hope to see you soon.

Very well then, goodbye to you too.

…

…

How many times have I said goodbye to you, I wonder? More than I can count. But even if I did count, then… I wouldn't want to stop counting. The only thing that is worse than a final goodbye is knowing that it is a final goodbye.

I don't want to say goodbye to you.

Because that would mean accepting that this is reality. This is the truth.

And… as for you.

I never would have imagined that we would be saying goodbye before saying even hello.

It was quite rude of me to not introduce myself.

It was quite rude of me to not welcome you to the world.

I'm… sorry.

I'm sorry to both of you.

I'm sorry for not being there for you.

It must have been scary, right?

To… leave the world behind.

But… the world continues to turn. Even though you two are not here.

I'm tired of the world turning. It hurts my head. I feel dizzy.

…

Heh.

As if.

None of this means anything to me. None of it ever did.

It was all an excuse. A lie.

Of course it was.

I'm the Masterpiece of the White Room, after all.

You think it would be that easy for me to leave all traces of that behind?

Of course not.

If that's the case, then…

Then… why are there tears flowing from my eyes?

…

…

Ah.

I see.

I've decided.

I'm going to pick up the phone and give an answer.

I never had a chance to say this before, so…

I love you.

I love both of you.

I loved you, I always have.

I will love you, I always will.

With each passing day, I love you.

With each passing night, I love you.

With each passing morning, I love you.

At noon.

In the afternoon.

In the evenings.

I love you, Sakayanagi Arisu.

I love you, Sakayanagi Koharu.

For the rest of my life, I love you.

With all of my strength, I love you.

Arisu, your husband is stronger now.

Koharu, your father is stronger now.

From the corridor where we first met to the corridor where we last spoke, I love you.

From the moment we never met, I love you.

I love you.

…

I love you. Goodbye.

The End

Date: 22nd July, 2022

(A/N: Phew! Quite a long one today! I thought I wasn't going to finish on time, but I managed to do it.

I don't have anything else to say apart from I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I hope to see you in the next one! )