Unraveled

by evitascarlett

An Apologize AU in which the roles are reversed, Johanna lived and Jim was the one who was gone: Their world had unraveled thirteen years ago and they had never really been the same, struggling to move on, to have some sort of peace when nothing felt right without him…and now it was about to unravel once more. See Author's note for more details. Castle Ficathon 2020.

24. Chapter 24

A/n: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 24

"I still say that you should wear a tie," Elizabeth Beckett declared as she picked up a few discarded shirts from the chair in the guest room that her son had been living in.

"I'm not wearing a tie," Jim remarked as he put on his cologne.

"I don't see why not; you're wearing a suit jacket."

"I'm wearing a jacket because I'm taking her to a nice place. It doesn't require reservations or ties but it's still a pretty nice place. Johanna will be dressed for work so I can't show up too casual."

"Which is why you should wear a tie," Elizabeth argued.

"Mother," he said with an exasperated breath. "I'm not wearing one so drop it. Did you come in for a reason other than to promote wearing a tie?"

"No, not really," Elizabeth replied. "I just thought you might want company. You've been antsy all morning."

"That's probably because I laid awake half the night thinking up worst case scenarios…like what if she cancels on me?"

"Johanna's not going to cancel your date. If she was going to do that she would've done it already."

"You think so?"

"Yes, she's not one to wait until the last minute…she'd do it far in advance in case you thought about showing up early."

Jim paused as he reached for his wallet on the dresser. "That's…oddly comforting," he remarked.

"I do what I can," she replied as she put his clothes in the hamper. "Whenever Johanna does let you come home, she'll have to re-train you on putting your clothes in the damn hamper. For God's sake, Jimmy, is it really so hard to put your clothes where they belong?"

"I let my shirts lay around so you'll have something to complain about," Jim replied. "You know you feel better when you're complaining, Mom."

"Don't make me smack you with my good hand," Elizabeth replied. "Because I assure you that I still can."

"I don't doubt it," he said with a smile as he thumbed through the money in his wallet.

"Do you have enough money?" Elizabeth asked. "I can give you some money."

He laughed a little. "I'm fine. I don't need my mother paying for my date."

"You say that like I haven't paid for a few before"

"I was in high school then and you made me work in the yard all day to earn that extra five bucks."

"I've still got a yard that needs tending," his mother told him. "I could give you the money now and you could mow later…after all, I do know where you live."

He gave her a smile. "I'm fine, Mom. I have money, credit cards and a bank card. But I do promise to tend to the yard work tomorrow and after I'm finished, I'll help you water your flowers."

"Alright, if you're sure."

"I am. Who does Johanna's yard work?"

"Sometimes she does it herself; other times she pays a neighbor kid to do it."

"I could go over and do it while she's at work."

"Don't go getting ahead of yourself, Jimmy. See if you make it through a few dates first before you start trying to wheedle your way in using a lawn mower as your guise to make it onto the property."

"It wouldn't be like that but I get your point," he said. "Believe me, all I can really think of at the moment is getting through this date. It's kind of awkward to have a first date with a woman you're already married to. It's a whole new kind of first date pressure."

"I'm sure you're not the only one feeling it," his mother stated. "Johanna did drop the phone this morning while talking to me…she usually drops things when she's nervous. She was also distracted and rambled a bit. She's nervous, mark my words."

Jim shoved his wallet into his pocket and pulled on his jacket as a question he had been pondering all night came to mind. It was one he needed advice on and he wished he had sought out Jeff…but those little flares of jealousy over knowing he had been fake dating his wife were still gnawing at him. He glanced at his mother, seeing her watching him intently and decided that she was the only true option he had at the moment. "Should I bring up Katie when we're talking?" he asked.

"That's up to you," Elizabeth replied. "Do you want to?"

He sighed a little. "Would you think I was a terrible person if I said no? I just…I want to focus on Johanna today…try to find out some of the things that are going on in her world like you've both told me that I need to do. Katie's unmovable at the moment and I have to respect that no matter how much it bothers me…and I don't want Jo to think I'm pressuring her to intervene on my behalf…but I also don't want her to think that I don't care about Katie if I don't mention her."

"Johanna knows that you care about Katie…but I think it's alright if you don't want to make her a topic today. It might be best for both of you if she isn't. So if it makes it easier, I give you permission this time to ignore the topic of your daughter."

"Again, that's oddly comforting…thank you."

Elizabeth nodded. "I've gotten soft in my old age."

Jim gave her a grin. "I wouldn't go that far."

She smirked at him in amusement. "Fix your collar, Jimmy. I won't have you going out of here looking like an unkempt bum."

"That's more like it," he quipped as he fixed his shirt collar. "I guess I better get going. I want to stop and get her some flowers."

"Good idea," Elizabeth said with a nod. "Do you want to rethink the tie?"

"No," he said as he picked up his phone and moved toward her, kissing her cheek. "Call if you need me."

"I'll be fine. Good luck."

"Thanks."

"Jimmy," Elizabeth said as she moved to the doorway with him.

"Yeah?"

"If you blow this for a third time, I'm disowning you," she told him.

Jim smiled and kissed her cheek once more. "If I blow this, I'm going to disown myself; but thanks for the support."

"Any time, dear."

"Are you going downstairs or are you staying up here?"

"I think I'll stay up here and take my afternoon nap," she answered. "With the door closed, my room is cooler than the living room."

He nodded and led her across the hallway to her room. "I'll see you after while."

"See you later, Jimmy. Have a nice time"

He gave her a nod and headed for the stairs; a good time was what he was hoping for…because maybe if things went well, Johanna might let him have that kiss he had been longing for.

---

Johanna looked in the mirror on the back of the closet door in her office and sighed a little as she smoothed her hand over the silky material of her dress. Wardrobe selection hadn't been easy this morning, even with Maggie's advice the night before…all options they had decided on had been cast to the floor…and she frowned thinking of the pile of clothes she'd have to pick up when she got home but frustration had led her to tossing things without care instead of putting them back neatly. Nothing seemed quite right for a date with her husband…if they were going to do this thing, she'd have to go shopping soon and get some date quality dresses. She closed her eyes for a moment, wishing she'd had time to go shopping for this date. Johanna sighed deeply and forced her eyes open once more, looking over the silky black halter dress that she was wearing. The hem fell a few inches above her knee and over all it was the most date worthy dress she had found in her closet. Maggie had talked her into buying it back in April during a shopping trip to New Jersey. She just wished at the moment that it wasn't black since Sharon always called her out for wearing so much of the color…but this dress had a tasteful pattern of small blue flowers on it, saving it from being plain. Another sigh crossed her lips…she liked the dress, it was pretty and she felt it suited her but she wasn't entirely sure it was one she should wear to work…it was more suited for a date or a party…but she had worn it anyway, pairing it with a black lace shrug in hopes of making it more professional looking. The idea hadn't lasted long though, Johanna thought to herself as she closed the closet door. The odd look from Sharon when she had walked through the door brought home the fact that she was overdone for work and she had shed the lacy garment and tossed it into the closet. She had put her hair up and then taken it down…only to put it up again before leaving the house; unable to decide on anything it seemed like.

Johanna moved to her desk and took her purse out of the drawer, rooting through it to find her makeup bag. She was too dressed up for work…and yet felt it wasn't quite enough for a date with her husband, even if it was only lunch. She just didn't know how to do this anymore…God, she had thought this phase of life was long behind her…now she was right back in the middle of it…and it was odd to feel this way when the man she'd be seeing was the one she had been in love with for more than half of her life. Jim had always loved her for who she was…but she was older now, her traitorous mind kept reminding her. She had those small lines forming around her eyes…she had those damn reading glasses…she had over a decade of being alone without his reassurances that she was still everything he wanted. She wanted this to go well…she didn't want them to keep fighting; she wanted them to get on track, work this thing out and have a taste of the happiness that had been taken from them. "Don't go getting ahead of yourself," she silently told herself as she opened her compact and uncapped her lipstick.

The door of her office cracked open and Sharon slipped inside, eyeing her as she did so. "Okay, what's going on with you?" her secretary asked.

"Nothing," Johanna replied. "Why?"

"Because you come in dressed like you're heading for a night on the town and now you're primping…and I'm pretty sure it's been years since the last time I saw you primp in the office."

"I'm not primping," Johanna said as she touched up her makeup.

Sharon regarded her with a raised brow. "No? What do you call it then?"

"I was just touching up my makeup," she retorted. "I do that throughout the day, regardless of what you seem to believe."

"Uh huh," her secretary said in disbelief. "And the dress?"

"I wear dresses to work all the time, Sharon. It's nothing new."

"Yeah, I know you wear dresses to work…but they're work attire dresses. This thing you have going on here…that's not a work dress…and especially with that lacy jacket you had on this morning. What the hell was the deal with that?" she asked as she put a file on Johanna's desk.

"It was just something I was trying and in hindsight, I admit the jacket was a bit much," she replied as she snapped her compact shut and dropped it back into her bag.

"Still waiting to hear about the dress."

"I like this dress," Johanna retorted. "There's nothing wrong with it."

"No…but like I said, it's not what you normally wear to work. You usually don't wear something that flattering to your figure to work."

"Excuse me?" Johanna said with a raised brow.

Sharon rolled her eyes. "Come on, Jo; you know you stopped wearing dresses that hugged your figure long ago with the exception of going to a few law firm parties. So what's up?"

"Nothing; I just liked this dress and felt like wearing it."

"Bull."

Johanna regarded her with a glare. "Why do you care anyway?"

Sharon shrugged. "Just trying to figure out what you're doing…as always…because we just never can tell with you, Jo."

Johanna picked up her glasses from her desk and put them in their case before tossing it into her purse. "I have a date if it's any of your damn business."

Her secretary laughed. "With who?"

"With me," Jim stated as he stepped to the doorway of her office. "Is there a problem?"

Sharon smirked as she turned at the sound of his voice. "Yeah, I happen to think it's a problem to just pick up with the man who abandoned you thirteen years ago and let you think he was dead."

"It wasn't something I enjoyed, Sharon," Jim said as he moved further into the office.

"So you claim," she retorted.

"Sharon," Johanna said sharply.

"I'm sorry, Jo; but I think you must be out of your damn mind I can't even believe that he had the nerve to show his face here."

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "Don't you…"

"It's alright, Jo," Jim said, cutting her off as he moved closer to her desk. "I'm not worried about her opinion."

"Seems like you don't worry about a lot of things," Sharon remarked. "You didn't worry about your wife for thirteen years. You didn't worry about your daughter or your mother. You just went and had a new life while they had to deal with the one you left behind. I'm surprised you even bothered to come back…what happened, did you get bored with whatever you had there and decided to come pick up the old life for kicks?"

"Only an idiot would think that I left my family willingly," Jim retorted. "It was my concern for their safety that made me go and I'll have you know that I worried about them every single day and I still do…especially knowing what Johanna has to put up with here."

"You don't know anything about her anymore," Sharon shot back. "Believe me, she isn't the same person you walked out on. You know nothing…and she knows nothing about you, whether she wants to believe it or not."

"I know he's alive," Johanna said, anger snapping in her green eyes. "And that's all that matters to me…because it's all I ever wanted. I don't need anyone's permission to see my husband so shut your mouth."

"You're a fool, Johanna," the secretary replied. "A damn fool to be so taken in by a man who's already abandoned you once. I guess you always have to learnt he hard way."

"Don't you talk about my wife like that," Jim stated angrily. "If anyone's a fool, it's you. Phil's cheated on you more times than you can imagine and you're still with him, turning a blind eye even though you knew when Molly was a baby that he hadn't been faithful to you. So who's the real fool here, Sharon? In my opinion it sounds like you."

Sharon scoffed. "No, it's still the two of you. Phil might've cheated on me a few times but at least he never faked his death so I think we're still winning on that account. You might get Johanna to believe that you were being perfectly faithful to her while you were gone but I don't buy it for a damn minute. So don't stand there and act like you're innocent because I'll never believe that you are…and she's an even bigger fool if she believes you were being a saint."

"The only time I was truly foolish," Johanna said tersely, "Was when I believed you were a true friend…because you're not and you haven't been for along time. You can't ever just be happy for me…well I don't care what you think. It's my life and he's my husband and I have no desire to change that fact. Now go do your work or go take your lunch break. I don't want to hear you say another word."

"I'm sure she's dying to take her break," Jim stated. "She'll want to spread the word that I've made it to your office…because being a big mouthed gossip has always been one of her favorite past times. I bet we won't even make it to the car before she tells half the building."

"I don't doubt it," Johanna replied as she eyed her secretary. "So go on, Sharon. Spread the word…I want you to."

Sharon turned on her heel and stormed from the room, slamming the door behind her.

Silence fell between them as they listened to Sharon's footsteps as they faded away from the door. That awkward feeling that he hated began to fill the air as his gaze met hers. "I was hoping that I'd get to greet you in a better way," he told her. "I should've known Sharon would be an issue in that ideal."

Johana smiled a little. "It's alright…honestly, I expected it which is why I didn't tell anyone you were coming. I thought maybe she'd slip off to her lunch early and it would allow you to get in under the radar but like you said…I should've known she'd be an issue. I'm sorry."

Jim gave a soft shake of his head. "It's not your fault; no harm done," he told her as he held out the bouquet of roses that had gone unnoticed. "For you, sweetheart."

The sight of the bouquet of pink and white roses curved her lips upward in a smile, her eyes misting as she recalled that he had given her pink and white roses for their first date all those years ago. "You remembered?" she asked softly as she accepted the flowers.

"Of course I remember…and since we're starting over, I figured I may as well go with what worked the first time…and you liked those pink and white roses so much that when we got married, you insisted that your bouquet be pink and white…despite your mother's numerous attempts to persuade you into red roses."

She stroked a finger over a bright pink petal as the memories swept through her mind. "Thank you, they're beautiful," she told him as she breathed in their fragrance.

"I'm glad you still like them."

"I could never not like them" she said as she moved to the built in bookcase and opened a door at the bottom of it to take out a vase. "They're as much a part of us as our song."

Jim smiled watching as she placed her roses in the vase and then grabbed the bottle of water she had sitting on her desk and poured it in with them. "That should hold them until I get back," she remarked. "I don't want to leave a note asking Sharon to add water to them…I don't trust her."

"I don't blame you."

Johanna arranged the flowers on the corner of her desk and then picked up her purse as he moved closer. "You look beautiful," he told her, moving quickly to brush a light kiss against her cheek.

"I don't know about that," she said as she ducked her head. "I'm a little overdone for work."

"I don't think so," he said as he took the risk and reached for her hand. "I think you look just right; I'd definitely pick you as my lawyer."

She smiled up at him. "You pick your lawyer on how they're dressed?"

"Only when it's you," he said with a grin. "But let's not forget that you've been known to criticize the shoes of opposing counsel…so let's not throw stones here."

"Ugly shoes are a whole different thing," Johanna remarked as she reached for her purse.

Jim glanced down at her strappy black heels. "The only ugly shoes I ever saw you wear was to your sister's wedding…after that the only questionable ones were those hot pink Barbie heels in the seventies."

She gave him a playful glare. "I liked those heels…I wish I still had them."

"Maybe we can find you a new pair," he replied. "Are you ready?"

She took a breath, nervousness fluttering in her stomach. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Let's go then."

They moved into the reception area and he stood by as Johanna locked the door to her inner office. She checked and made sure that Sharon had the answering machine turned on and double checked her purse to be sure she had put her phone in it. She hated how nervous she felt. It was Jim; it wasn't some stranger…this was her husband, there was nothing to be nervous about and yet she was.

"You okay?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine; just making sure I have my phone," she told him as she zipped her purse. "Sorry."

"No need to apologize…I just wanted to be sure," he told her as he held his hand out to her, hoping she'd take it. He breathed a sigh of relief when she did and they stepped out of her office into the hallway.

Johanna took a breath and tried to steady her nerves as she held tightly to his hand, thinking that maybe they'd make it to the elevator without anyone else putting in their two cents. After all, she didn't see Mark or Cathy anywhere around and other colleagues who had been around as long as she had been didn't seem to be in sight either. The newer colleagues didn't worry her; most of them didn't pay her too much attention so she doubted that they cared to voice an opinion on the state of her life. They might just make it, she thought once again…but then a voice spoke from across the hallway and she frowned.

"You sure do get around lately, Johanna," Calvin stated with a sneer as she looked in his direction. "One minute you don't want anything to do with men or relationships and the next you seem to be all about it. It makes people wonder about you."

Jim paused, looking in the direction of the man who had spoken. "Who the hell is that?" he asked, his jaw tightening.

"That's Calvin," she answered. "Ignore him, that's what I do."

"That's the clown that likes to try to move in on another man's wife?" Jim asked as he held Calvin's stare. "The one who just doesn't get the hint that you're not interested?"

She nodded. "That would be him."

"Good, I can take care of this while we're here."

Johanna shook her head and tugged at his hand. "Let's just go; he's not worth your time."

"Oh but he is," Jim remarked as he kept his eye on Calvin who had stepped closer. "I'm only going to tell you once; my wife isn't interested in you and if you don't back off and leave her alone; you'll wish you had."

Calvin smirked. "Oh I'm supposed to be afraid of the back from the dead husband? If she meant so much to you, you'd think you would've found a way to keep from leaving her…but I guess you were too busy trying to save your own ass. As for her being your wife…well…I think you ended that when you pretended to die."

"No, that's just your wishful thinking," Jim retorted. "Our marriage is still very legal; I made sure of that. As for the rest of your comment, you can think what you want, but I know the truth and so does my wife. Get that phrase through your head, she's my wife. She will never be anything to you, so I suggest you look elsewhere."

"Let's go, Jim," Johanna said as she squeezed his hand, seeing a few curious glances from the other end of the hallway. "I'm hungry."

He gave a nod, staring down Calvin for a moment longer. "We're going…I just want him to know that I can show up at any moment so he might want to think about that before opening his mouth again to you."

Calvin sneered at both of them and then turned and retreated back into his office as Jim and Johanna resumed their trek toward the elevator. He felt some better being able to stake his claim for lack of better words but then doubt creeped into his mind, hoping he hadn't upset Johanna with his need to make it known that she belonged to him and only him. "I'm sorry, Jo," he murmured to her.

Johanna glanced at him. "For what?"

"For making a scene…I don't want to embarrass you or cause your problems…especially on the first day you let me in here."

She shook her head and gave his hand a squeeze. "No; I'm not embarrassed or upset…and I assure you that I've caused bigger scenes in here. Maybe he'll get the message now that he's seen you and he sees that I'm going somewhere with you. Maybe that will finally get him off my list of annoyances."

"If it doesn't," he said as they arrived at the elevator. "You tell me and I'll come back and remove him."

"Deal," she replied as she reached out and pressed the button for the elevator.

They were quiet as they waited for the doors to open and when they did, they found themselves face to face with Mark and Cathy.

Johanna sighed deeply. "Looks like we're going to hit every single one of them," she muttered.

Mark and Cathy openly stared at them as they stepped off the elevator. "Johanna," Mark said cautiously as he eyed them.

She smirked at him. "See, I told you I hadn't lost my mind," she said as his gaze continued to dart to her husband.

"That might be a matter of opinion," Cathy muttered.

"It's nice to see you too," Jim stated, making Cathy glance away.

"Somehow saying welcome home doesn't seem quite right in this case," Mark said as he eyed Jim. "Considering all the damage you left behind."

"What exactly are you implying by that?" Jim asked.

"Me," Johanna said. "He's directing it at me…because they only see me as damaged goods because I didn't snap my fingers and get over you like they thought I should…and now they think I'm handling your homecoming wrong too."

"Well," Jim said; "It's a good thing that we don't care what they think…but I'd be more than happy to have a talk with Mark on another day when I have time about his treatment of my wife who is not damaged goods."

"You don't know the whole story," Mark stated.

"Maybe not…but I know you play a villain in it," he retorted. "And while I know she's retiring soon, I won't stand for her being mistreated so maybe you should keep that in mind."

"Which reminds me," Johanna spoke up. "Make sure you've started the paperwork…because Sharon already told me that you were just pretending to do it and you'd just give me a few weeks off instead because you're sure I don't mean it. Let me make it clear; I mean it, so do your share of the paperwork so I can do mine."

"I really think you need to think it over," Mark replied.

Jim glared at him. "I think you need to listen to what she said; she's not playing games with you."

Mark flicked his gaze toward him. "It's none of your business."

"The hell it isn't," he said angrily.

"Come on, Jim; let's go," Johanna said as she hit the button for the elevator once more, the doors opening. "We don't want to waste our time on them…this afternoon is ours, remember?"

He nodded as she tugged him onto the elevator with her. "Yes, let's go…they're not worth spoiling our lunch date. I can deal with him another day."

She gave him a small smile and patted his arm as the doors slid shut, cutting off their view of her colleagues. She knew what he was doing…defending her as he had always done…but also trying to reassert his presence in her life to the people she had to deal with. She had hoped they could get out without any confrontations, but they hadn't…and yet she didn't care. She wanted them to know that he was back…that he was in her life…that maybe she'd prove them all wrong after years of them thinking they had it all figured out when it came to her.

"I'm not doing well here today, am I?" Jim asked. "You're probably sorry that you didn't meet me outside."

"That's not true," she told him softly. "I had hoped we'd get out without seeing them because I didn't want you to have to put up with their comments…but I'm not upset that you spoke your piece so don't worry about it. Maybe they'll listen to you since they rarely ever listen to me."

Jim breathed deeply, quelling the anger they had invoked; if they didn't listen, he'd just have to come back and take care of them with sharper words…but for now he needed to focus on Johanna and making this first date of theirs a success despite his nerves about blowing the whole thing.

---

The outdoor tables of the café they had chosen were mostly empty, most patrons opting to dine inside out of sun…and Johanna was glad for it as the waiter led them to a table away from the other diners who spread out in different areas. Space would afford them some extra privacy she thought to himself as Jim pulled out her chair for her. She murmured a soft 'thank you' as she settled into her seat, her heart doing a small flip as he sat down across from her. They had shared a few meals together since his return home…but today, for some reason, it made her breath catch to see him across the table from her…just the two of them at a nice restaurant without anyone to interfere or give their two cents. Just him and her…like it used to be…like it should've always been.

The waiter handed them their menus and asked what they wanted to drink before hurrying off to fetch them each a glass of soda. Johanna had been tempted to ask for a glass of wine but had thought better of it. Wine might help relax her but she didn't want to rely on a vice. She could get through a meal with her husband without a vice; she had before of course at the cabin and at Elizabeth's…but this was a date…and dates were different. She gave a soft shake of her head; she didn't need wine…she just needed this to work out.

"You okay?" Jim asked, battling his own nerves as they waited for their drinks.

"Yeah," she answered, her fingers grasping a napkin and twisting it without thought, rolling it under her fingers in need to keep her hands busy.

Jim watched her fingers as they rolled over the paper napkin, twisting and tugging…shredding as moments passed without a word. It was a nervous habit she had…just like her foot tapping under the table. He was desperate to put her at ease…desperate to feel at ease himself. It felt like so much was riding on this, he couldn't blow it. He gently bumped her foot with his, making her pause her tapping as her gaze jerked to his face. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "Are you worried about being alone with me?" he asked.

"No!" she exclaimed. "I was alone with you in your hotel room. I was alone with you at the cabin."

"Then why are you tapping your foot?" he asked.

She smirked at him. "Because I haven't been on a date for a long time…I've forgotten how to do it."

"I haven't been on one in a long time either," Jim replied. "But you have been out with Jeff lately."

"Those weren't dates and you know it," Johanna remarked. "That was going out with a friend."

"I'm your friend too," he stated.

"That's different."

"Because I'm your husband?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"Because you've seen me naked."

Jim laughed. "Not lately."

"No…but you've probably thought about it," she quipped.

He gave her a wide grin. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't."

She gave him an amused smile. "Some things never change."

"That's right, I'm never going to change when it comes to you being naked," he quipped. "If it's a problem that I haven't seen you that way in a while, I'm willing to get a room after lunch if you want."

Johanna laughed. "Oh I'm sure you are."

"We can go before lunch if you want…then we can try the date part again," he said lightly. "Maybe that would make it easier for you."

A smile clung to her lips. "I don't know…you know they say that sex on the first date is slutty."

Jim shrugged. "I don't mind."

"You never have," she replied. "But still…I've never been one of those girls who does it on the first date."

"That's not true," he replied. "We slept together before our first official date…and slept together the night of our official first date…so…you know history shows that you've shown me exceptions before."

"That may be true," she said with a laugh; "But let's not forget that there was a three year waiting period before I allowed you that sex before the official date occurrence."

"Okay you got me on a technicality," Jim replied. "But still, I'm willing to go the distance to make things better here."

"I appreciate that…but I think that no sex on the first date rule is in play here."

Jim smiled as he eyed her. "I know what it really is."

"Oh?" she said, her brow rising. "And what is that?"

"It's because this is a lunch date…you've always been a stickler for dinner first before any hint of being naked."

Johanna laughed. "Well to borrow your words, past history has shown that you have talked me into a few lunch date rendezvous. In fact past history shows that you've talked me into quite a few things."

He grinned. "Like the elevator?"

"Still thinking about that, are you?"

"Always…what about you?"

Johanna breathed deeply. "Only when I'm alone on an elevator."

Jim gave her a light smirk. "Probably more often than that."

"Maybe, maybe not," she quipped. "But still…I'm afraid I can't take you up on your hotel offer today."

"Maybe the second date," he replied with an easy smile. "I'll let you pretend that you observe proper first date rules this time."

She laughed; the sound music to his ears as their gazes caught, her features softening and her green eyes warming as she regarded him. His heart beat a little faster as her foot bumped his beneath the table, some secret thought process flicking across her face but he thought that maybe for a moment, despite the lightness, that maybe she had thought about taking the offer for real even though he had only been teasing.

"I would hate to let you down when you're so sure I require dinner first," Johanna said, her tone an octave lower than it had been. "So you see, I had no choice but to decline your offer of a slutty first date hotel room romp."

He chuckled, his eyes still locked on hers. "That's okay, you've always been too classy for slutty hotel room romps…unless of course they're five star hotels and you've had a glass or two of champagne beforehand."

"Don't make our daughter's conception sound so cheap, Jim," she teased.

"Sweetheart, there was nothing cheap about it, the room and champagne cost me a pretty sum…and then you have to count in eighteen years of childcare…so, yeah, cheap it was not."

She laughed despite herself and bumped her foot against his leg in a gentle kick. "Stop that."

He gave her a grin. "If this was the seventies, I probably could've talked you out of first date rules."

Her smile turned wistful. "Probably…but then again, you could probably talk me out of first date rules now if I was of a mind to let you."

Jim nodded, a small air of seriousness sweeping over his face. "Were you tempted?"

She held his gaze for a long moment as she debated how to answer the question…and in the end, she decided to go with honesty. "Yes, for a moment I was."

"What stopped you?"

"The knowledge that it wouldn't be the quick fix either of us would want it to be for our situation here. I'm not saying I don't want to get there…I do…but it's not going to be now."

"I know, sweetheart. I was only playing anyway…just trying to lighten things."

"I know," she assured; and she meant it. She knew it was about breaking the ice, making things feel a little more like old times despite what was between them now.

"Besides, you're the one who brought up being naked," Jim quipped. "So this whole conversation was your fault anyway."

She gave him a playful glare. "You're the one who admitted to thinking about it."

"Well how can I not? I've been thinking about it for nearly four decades now…and you know, I've wanted you naked in every one of those decades. It's good to know that I can still tempt you though, even when I'm not entirely trying to."

"Like I said, some things never change," she murmured.

The waiter returned with their drinks, apologizing for the delay and then told them he'd be back in a few minutes to take their order.

"I guess we should look at the menu," Jim said, picking up his that he had been ignoring in favor of trying to put his wife at ease.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, we probably should."

Jim studied his menu but found his gaze kept being drawn back to his wife as she kept readjusting the distance of her menu from her face as she squinted at the small print inside the covers. He frowned; hadn't she mentioned having glasses? Had she forgotten to bring them with her? "Jo?"

"What?"

"Didn't you say you had reading glasses?"

"Yes; why?"

"Maybe if you put your glasses on you'd be able to read the menu," he suggested.

She froze for a second, wishing she hadn't told him about her reading glasses, although it was a silly thing to keep secret. She just wasn't sure she was ready for him to see her with glasses…after all, they made her look old in her opinion and looking old wasn't something you wanted when you were trying to rebuild your marriage.

"Did you leave them at the office?" Jim asked.

She shook her head. "No…they're in my purse."

"They're not helping you in your purse…and squinting isn't good for your eyes."

Her jaw tightened a little as she met his gaze. "I'm fine."

"Jo, you've moved that menu three times, trying to angle it at the perfect distance and you're squinting at it. The print is small in it…put your glasses on so you know what you're reading."

She knew it was stupid but she couldn't help hesitating…normally she wasn't so vain but she couldn't seem to help herself this time.

"Johanna," her husband said, a firm note in his tone. "Put the damn glasses on so you can read…it's not like you're going to be able to avoid me seeing them forever."

"Maybe not but I didn't really want it to be today," she retorted.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not ready to look old to my husband," she shot back.

"You're never going to look old to me…you're always going to be the most beautiful girl in the world in my eyes."

She took a breath and reached for her purse to take out her glasses, her eyes meeting his as she reached into her bag. "I'm telling you right now, if you laugh, you'll have to keep living on your memories because you will never see me naked again."

"That's harsh."

"That's how it will be…and I will leave."

Jim sighed a little; seeing that she was clearly sensitive about a pair of reading glasses. "I promise I'm not going to laugh."

"You probably will…I guess I couldn't really blame you if you did. It's not a pretty picture," she said as she ran a thumb over the silver arm of her reading glasses.

"Jo; just put them on," he told her, gentling his tone. "I assure you that it's not going to change anything in my eyes."

She hated to do it…hated even more that it bothered her so much. She sighed deeply and slipped the glasses on her face, her gaze flicking to his face as she felt the weight of his stare. His lips twitched in a smile and she frowned; a wave of self-consciousness washing over her. "Go ahead and laugh, Jim; get it over with," she said tartly, a ripple of hurt spreading across her heart. Damn her eyes for betraying her and needing that small print magnified.

"I wasn't going to laugh," Jim stated.

"Yes, you were! I know when you're gearing up to laugh. I saw that smile you were trying to bite back; well go ahead. I know they're hideous and I look old and ugly with them on, why do you think I try not to wear them in public? Believe me, I don't enjoy having them…and they're not all that strong, the doctor said I just needs things magnified a little since everyone wants to use these small stupid fonts. So just go ahead and laugh and get it over with."

He reached for her hand but she pulled it out of his reach, making him pause and count to five before he made things worse. She was sensitive about her glasses…more sensitive than he had thought she would be so he had to be careful. There was nothing wrong with the sight of her in her glasses…in fact he thought they were cute which was why he had started to smile until he had seen the frown on her lips.

"I had no intentions of laughing," he said carefully. "There's nothing to laugh about…and nothing for you to be ashamed of, Jo. So what you need reading glasses? Do you think that matters to me? That it changes anything? Because it doesn't. You're still my beautiful girl whether you're wearing glasses or not. I started to smile…because I think you look cute."

She scoffed. "Oh please, there's nothing cute about this."

"You're wrong," he told her. "I like them; they don't detract from your beauty at all. They make you look smart, which you already are, but still, you look smart and classy with them."

"Looking smart has never been one of my ambitions…I prefer to let my law degree speak for my intelligence."

"Jo," he said, a hint of softness in his tone. "You're beautiful; no pair of reading glasses can change that for me…and you shouldn't let them have that power over you."

"That's easy for you to say, they're not making you old."

"You're not old because you need reading glasses," he told her. "Kids have glasses."

"Yeah, but that's different…I never needed them when I was young."

"You're not old."

She sighed a little. "I'm probably getting there…I don't see you with glasses."

"No…but my hair is grey and yours isn't."

"I told you, it's different for men. Men get distinguished as they age…women get everything else."

He reached for her hand and caught hold of it this time as he shook his head. "Do you think differently of me because my hair has turned and yours hasn't?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why would anything change for me just because you need a pair of reading glasses?" he asked.

"I don't know…I never said it wasn't stupid…it's just something I feel," Johanna admitted. "I don't like feeling it…but it's there."

"Then I'll have to find a way to change that," he told her; fully intending on proving to her in any way possible that nothing had changed in his eyes.

The waiter reappeared to take their orders, putting an end to the topic much to Johanna's relief as she slipped her glasses off and tucked them back into her purse once she had ordered and the waiter had gone on his way.

"How long have you had glasses?" Jim asked once they were alone again.

She sighed a little, apparently the topic wasn't closed after all. "Five years…I was getting more headaches than usual and my eyes get tired if I'm on the computer too long. I also made the mistake of telling Katie that I had to squint to see the last line on the eye test to renew my driver's license. She hounded me until I made an appointment."

"Good," he replied. "I don't want you taking chances with your eyes."

"I wouldn't take chances with them; I intended to go to the eye doctor just for the sake of getting rid of some of the headaches. I was just waiting on work to slow down at the time but Katie kept on it so I got an appointment and took an afternoon off."

"Do you have to wear them to drive?"

"No; like I said, they aren't all that strong. I just need smaller print magnified and it keeps my eyes from getting tired when using the computer. My eye doctor fills out the paper when I need to renew my license, saying that I passed the exam that way I don't have to go through their stupid test…which I still say is designed for people to fail."

He smiled a little; she always had hated renewing her driver's license and had always complained about the eye test even when her vision had been perfect. "You've mentioned that you still get migraines."

Johanna nodded. "Yes, but that's nothing new."

"Any other problems?" he asked.

"Meaning?"

"Health wise."

She shook her head. "No, I don't have any problems and I don't take any medication."

"Any injuries?" he inquired, wondering if he could get her to open up about the concussion his mother had told him about.

Johanna looked at him oddly. "No…do I look injured?"

"No."

"Then that's an odd question to ask," she said as she eyed him.

Jim hesitated, not wanting to rock the boat when it seemed as though they had gotten it into calmer waters. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't been hurt while I was away."

"You mean in regard to your case?"

"Yes," he lied.

"No one bothered me, Jim. I never received any threats or anything."

"Good," he murmured although he wished he could've pried the story from her about her concussion.

"Any issues I need to know about you?" she asked. "Any health problems or injuries?"

Jim shook his head. "No, I'm healthy. My shoulder still bothers me but that's probably no surprise."

"No…but I admit to wondering if it did."

"It does…I always miss your hands when it's aching…you were always so good at making it feel better."

She ducked her head for a moment. "Well maybe next time it bothers you I can take care of it like I used to."

That was music to his ears, he thought as he gave her a nod and a small smile; silence falling between them.

---

Jim hated the feeling of awkwardness that settled over them once more as they waited for their food to be brought to the table and judging from the pile of shredded napkin in front of Johanna, his wife was still feeling it too. There had to be a thousand things they needed to talk about, both serious and not so serious but he still struggled to settle on one that wouldn't rock the boat…. like he almost had by asking about injuries. He took a breath, thinking about the things he had witnessed during his brief time at her office and decided to choose her retirement as his topic since it had been mentioned before she left the office. "When are you planning on retiring?" Jim asked as he met her eye.

"September first," Johanna answered.

"That's only a few months away."

She nodded as she rolled shredded napkin beneath her fingertips. "I was going to finish out the year but then I decided that I'd rather just finish up my current case load."

"You don't want to try to stay until next May and finish with a full forty years?" Jim asked.

Johanna shook her head. "No, I don't care about the number of years I finish with…I just want to be done."

Jim chose his words carefully, hoping he wouldn't make her angry with his next question. "Did you make your decision based on the fact that you want to get away from the people you work with?"

"Do you think I'd make that decision on that factor alone?" she asked.

He held her gaze. "Thirteen years ago I would've said no…but now I'm not so sure."

"Why is that?"

He hesitated as he studied her, his mother's words ringing in his mind about how there were things he didn't know. Looking into her green eyes he couldn't see the things he was used to seeing. She was guarded…there was the hint of secrets in her eyes.

"Why do you say that, Jim?" Johanna repeated.

"Because…I don't really know what's been going on in your life…and from what I do know, it sounds like you've been pushed around a lot and back then you would've never allowed that. I'm not sure why you started allowing it but you have."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Wouldn't you?"

Johanna eyed him. "If I allowed people to push me around the way you think; I'd be sitting in my office right now having lunch by myself…but I'm not. I'm here with you."

"I didn't force you, Jo."

"I didn't say you did."

"No, but you're getting awfully defensive about a topic you said we could discuss today."

"That's because I don't like you thinking that I'd just up and quit my job on a whim because of other people," she replied.

"But they are part of the reason, aren't they?"

Her jaw tightened. "Yeah, they are…after nearly thirty years of working with some of these people, I've had enough. Is it wrong for that to be part of my decision?"

"No," Jim said as he softened his tone. "I just don't want it to be your only reason."

"It's not."

"What are your other reasons?"

Johanna met his gaze. "Jim, I get the idea that you think it's wrong of me to want to retire."

"I don't think you're wrong. I just never thought you'd be so willing to give it up though," he replied.

"I don't enjoy it anymore," Johanna confessed. "I've wanted to quit for a long time."

He took the risk of reaching across the table and grasping her fingers. "Why? You loved your work, Jo. Is it because you stopped taking appeals?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Then why?"

Tears stung her eyes as she thought back to those early days without him when it was hard for her to step back into her office after a mere two weeks off. She hadn't been ready in so many ways. The line between before and after had been irrevocability drawn and she had found herself in uncharted waters. She knew all the reasons why she didn't enjoy her job anymore…but it was hard to tell him. He would blame himself and she didn't want him to; her hang ups had been of her own making.

Jim watched as the emotions swept across her face and he tightened his grip on her fingers. "You can tell me," he coaxed. "I want to know what happened…how you started feeling this way."

Johanna hesitated, her fingers curling around his without thought as she struggled with the words.

"Does it involve me?" he asked, hoping to help nudge her along.

"I guess you could say that," she admitted; her voice taunt.

"Okay; you can tell me why. I'm not going to get mad…I just want to understand."

She was quiet for a long moment, trying to sort it out for herself in proper order. "After…after you…."

Jim nodded. "After I was gone," he said for her. "Go on."

She took a deep breath. "I wasn't ready to go back to work…but Mark started hassling me, saying two weeks was enough, that I had to come back or he'd have to let me go. I still had Katie in college, I couldn't be without a job when I had tuition to pay…so I went back…but I was scared."

"Scared of not having enough money? There was plenty of money in the bank, sweetheart."

"No…I mean, yeah, money was on my mind and I admit that I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and did worry about getting Katie through school and only having one income coming in…I just wasn't thinking at that time. We lived comfortably, there was no reason to think it would change but I…I didn't know what I was doing back then, Jim; and I was fighting Stanley to pay me what you were owed and he didn't want to…but money wasn't what I was scared about."

"I want to come back to the part about Stanley later," Jim stated; "But first I want you to tell me what you were afraid of."

She glanced down at the shredded napkin in front of her, her fingers reaching for another one to twist as she forced herself to talk about days she'd rather forget. "Everything," she murmured. "I was afraid of everything. Katie and I never believed it was random…we knew it had to be something you were working on…and with that feeling in the pit of my stomach…for the first time in my life I was scared to go to work. All I could think about was you…and that damn promotion…that you were alone that day. I kept thinking about you being afraid…being alone…that I should've been there…."

Jim shook his head and he gripped her hand. "If it had happened the way it was supposed to, I wouldn't have wanted you anywhere near it, sweetheart. I wouldn't have wanted you to see it…or to get hurt."

"I know but it bothered me…and I…I was just so scared of it happening to me. I didn't want it to happen to me and Katie didn't want me to go back to work either. She was afraid and I was afraid…and Mark was threatening to fire me so even though I was terrified, I had to go back. It's why I got a gun. I felt like I had a better chance that way but I was still afraid. Maybe I could've gotten over it if I had had more time…but they wouldn't let me have more time. I was just supposed to grieve twenty-five years of my life in two weeks and bounce back like nothing happened…at least that's what it felt like to me. I didn't want to be there, I couldn't concentrate…I was just in this haze. I had never been afraid to go to work before but I was…and Katie was afraid for me to go…and she and I had several battles about her desire to become a cop…I asked her what I had to do to make her change her mind and she said quit my job. I couldn't do that, no matter how badly I wanted to and believe me, I wanted to…so we compromised. She agreed to finish college if I agreed to stop taking criminal cases and appeals. It was the best deal I could negotiate with her…so that's what I did…and I didn't mind giving it up. I didn't want those cases anymore…because I was scared…and Katie was scared. The ones I had to finish up…she'd follow me to meetings. She doesn't know that I knew, but like her father she stares hard. I never told her that I knew."

"Because you felt safer knowing someone was watching?"

"No, honestly it just made me worry more…I didn't want her to be in danger if something was going to happen. I didn't tell her because I didn't want to embarrass her. She likes to be the tough girl…I didn't want to make her angry by exposing her vulnerability."

"She gets that tough girl card from her mother," Jim remarked.

"Maybe so but it's no match for the stubbornness that she got from her father."

Jim gave her a small smile. "The blame for her stubbornness is one that we'll never be able to settle. Did you stop feeling afraid once you finished up the criminal case aspect of your practice?"

"No."

"What about when you got the gun?"

"It made me breathe easier but I was still afraid in some ways…it's never really gone away; I've just gotten used to it."

He hated that she had gotten accustomed to that feeling…hated even more that he was the cause of it. "Any other reasons why you're ready to let it go?"

Johanna met his eye. "I don't believe in it anymore."

The words startled him a little. "What do you mean you don't believe in it anymore?"

She breathed deeply as she pondered her words. "When I was growing up and thinking about what I wanted to be…I was always drawn to the law because the law was supposed to make things fair…and there were a lot of different laws being made when you and I were teenagers…laws that made things better for people, giving them rights that they should've had all along. To me the law was supposed to make things fair…it was supposed to punish the people who had done wrong, it was supposed to give justice to the innocent; and I know it was never as clear cut as that. Criminals go free, innocent people are robbed of justice because of technicalities and what not…and I was able to accept that it was all a part of life…until you."

The arrival of their meal made them pause their conversation but Jim was eager to get back to it despite the knot in his gut. He needed to know every single way that had ruined her love and passion for the job. The guilt of being a big part of the reason laid heavy on his shoulders but he had to hear it; had to show her that he still cared like he always had. "Finish what you were going to say, Jo."

"I couldn't keep my faith in the law once you were gone," she murmured. "The law was supposed to give us answers and justice…instead it gave me some flimsy excuse of why I was suddenly a widow…an excuse that made no sense and I didn't buy for a minute as they buried your case and let it grow cold. The colder your case got the colder I felt inside. All I had was speculations of my own and no way to really sort it out. I knew it had to be related to your work but I couldn't prove it. I went through your desk at home…after we packed up your office I sat up all night and spread everything out on the floor of our office. I went through every paper and file…your planner, your laptop…and I couldn't figure it out. Katie was blaming me for not knowing what you were working on…I blamed me too…all I knew was you said it was a big case that would get you your promotion…but nothing I came across seemed to be the one. I went over all of it a hundred times, thinking I must've missed something somewhere…that if I could just find it, I'd find the people responsible but I couldn't find it. I couldn't solve the one case that mattered most so why should I want to solve anyone else's? The law I believed in…it took my husband from me and it didn't give us justice for you. It drew my daughter into a job I never wanted her to have as she pushed me away because she quietly blamed me for not knowing the answer. Everything fell apart because the law betrayed me. Why for justice for everyone else when I couldn't get it for the person I loved most. Why fight for something that let you down in every way possible? If I could've quit back then I would have but I couldn't…and so I go through the motions. I do my best for every case just like always…but I don't have that blind faith in the law anymore. I lost it…and I just don't want to do it anymore."

He nodded, his throat tight. "I understand…and I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. My hang ups are mine, Jim."

"You wouldn't have them if it wasn't for me," he said quietly before meeting her eye once more. "I don't know what happened to my work on the case, I had everything in a plain folder in my desk, along with the original case file the last time I saw it…but I'm glad you didn't find it, Jo. The last thing I wanted was for you to get pulled into it…you would've gotten hurt and I…" he trailed off for a moment. "I don't even want to think about that…but I am sorry for those so called hang-ups that I triggered."

"They're not as bad as they were," she said, hoping to soothe him as she hadn't meant to say so much on the topic…but once she had gotten started it had flowed without thought…pouring everything out to him just like she always had in the past.

He brushed his fingers over hers once more. "I'm glad they're some better…and I'm glad you told me about it even though I feel bad for being a part of the problem."

"How can you be glad when I feel like I've said too much and hurt you?" she asked.

Jim griped her hand as he shook his head. "Sweetheart, I can't lie and say I don't feel guilty hearing what you had to say but I'd rather you tell me than to keep it to yourself. I asked you and you told me just like always…we've always told each other things even if it did hurt a little. I'm not angry with you…and you didn't hurt me in the way you think so don't worry about that. I want to know everything about you just like always, so don't be afraid to tell me the hard stuff, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly, giving his hand one more squeeze before gently pulling it away so she could take a sip of her soda.

He took a sip of his drink as well and then pressed forward. "Any other reasons you want to share?" he asked.

"I'm just ready to retire, Jim; not just for the reasons I told you but also because I'm tired of it…after thirty-nine years I'm getting bored. It gets monotonous, you know? I could do some of these cases in my sleep and I just…I need to let go. It's time to move on and have a new chapter."

"Is that what your gut tells you?"

"Yes…I've been over it a million times in my mind…and this is what feels right."

Jim nodded. "Okay, then it's time."

"You understand?" she asked.

"I do. I just wanted to make sure that you were positive about it."

"I am," she replied as stabbed her fork into her salad.

"Then that's all I need to know…unless there's more reasons, in which case, tell me all about it."

Johanna shook her head. "I gave you all my reasons, I promise."

Jim took a breath and then picked up his sandwich to take a bite; allowing silence to fall for a few minutes as they ate.

"Do you miss your work?" Johanna asked, needing to break the quietness before her nerves set in once more.

"A little," he admitted. "Only because I'm not used to not working…I don't miss the place though. I mean…"

"I know what you mean," she said with a small smile to put him at ease. "It's alright if you miss your job, I wasn't going to be angry."

"I know…I just don't want you to think that I don't want to be here because I do."

"I know that. I just figure that you might be a little restless without work to occupy you."

"A little at times…is that something you're worried about with your retirement coming up?"

"Sometimes," she admitted. "But it's not enough to make me change my mind."

"You'll be fine, sweetheart. You've always been able to keep yourself occupied. You know me, I always need a project or something."

"We'll get you a hobby," she quipped.

He smiled. "I already picked you to be my hobby."

Johanna laughed. "Is that right?"

"Yeah; you've always been my favorite hobby."

She smiled, feeling more at ease again…feeling some of the weight on her shoulders ease as he hadn't tried to talk her out of retiring. He had listened to her feelings and didn't tell her that she was wrong for any of them…God she had missed that feeling of being able to confide her deepest feelings. It felt good…it was a feeling she hoped she could get accustomed to again…just like she hoped to get accustomed to seeing him across the table from her more often.

---

After lunch, they had strolled the streets for a little while, window shopping as they allowed easy conversation about unimportant topics to flow between them until she checked her watch and told him that she should probably be getting back to the office. He hated that their outing had to end…but noted that she had stretched her lunch break into an hour and a half. Reluctantly they had made their way back to his car and headed back to her office. As they pulled up in front of the law firm, Jim could see the tension creep back into Johanna's body. He wasn't sure if the tension came from him being in the vicinity of her office…or if it was just being there herself. He put the car in park but she made no move to unbuckle her seatbelt. He wanted to walk her back to her office but he didn't want to pressure her to let him in once more…but he didn't want her to think that he was pulling away again either. He suppressed a sigh as he glanced at her, knowing he had to bite the bullet so to speak. "Jo," he said softly. "If you don't want me to walk you in, I won't get angry…I know what you're dealing with in there and I don't want to make you do something you're uncomfortable with."

Johanna shook her head. "No, I want you to walk me in."

His brow rose in surprise. "You do?"

"Yes…but if you don't want to, I understand."

"No!" he exclaimed. "I do want to walk you in just like I always did…I just didn't want you to think I was being pushy or demanding…because as we got close to the building, I could tell you were getting tense."

"It's not you," Johanna said as she met his eye. "You're not being pushy…I want you to walk me in…and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I want you to walk me in just because I want you to…but also because I want them to see you walk me in."

He pondered that for a moment and then nodded; she wanted them to see them come back together…to get the idea that he was going to be around. "I get it," he told her as he laid his hand over hers.

"Do you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I do…and it's okay that you have more than one reason for wanting me to walk you in."

Johanna turned her hand over so she could grip his. "I just didn't want you to think that any of my reasons were…."

"I don't," he said, interrupting her with a shake of his head. "I get it…and I don't care about any reason other than the first one you listed honestly…that you just want me to."

A small smile touched her lips. "I do want you to…you know it's the small things that make the day better."

Jim returned her smile; it was a sentiment she had expressed in the past when he'd do some small thing in hopes of making her smile on a bad day. "Are you ready to go in or do you want to wait a few more minutes?"

Johanna breathed deeply. "I always need a few more minutes…but a few more is never enough so I guess I may as well get it over with."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "Let's go."

They got out of the car and made their way into the building, his hand slipping into hers in a show of quiet comfort as she hit the button for the elevator. She gave him a small smile, squeezing his hand gently in a show of gratitude. It was funny, she thought to herself as they waited for the elevator, so many small things meant so much…having him listen to her reasons for retiring…having his hand curled around hers in a show of support, knowing how hard it was for her being there. So many little things that she had missed…little things he was giving her back today. It felt good despite the moments of awkwardness…despite the tension in her body that came from being at the firm.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened, allowing them to slip inside. Jim was glad that they were alone as the doors closed; they didn't need anyone else's two cents or questioning looks. His wife, however, needed something to lighten her mood…to break that tension filling her. An idea came to mind and he smiled, giving her hand a squeeze to draw her gaze to his. "So, are there cameras in this elevator?" he asked with a grin.

Johanna laughed softly. "Yes…in fact I'm pretty sure you're the reason that they started putting cameras in elevators."

"Don't give me all the blame, sweetheart; you were there in that elevator with me."

"I remember," she said with a wry smile.

"I'm glad we got to live in the time before cameras were everywhere," Jim remarked. "It made it easier to be spontaneous."

"Made it easier for criminals too."

"Now don't go thinking like a lawyer and ruin our romantic memories," Jim said lightly.

She couldn't help but laugh…and she wasn't sure she had laughed as much as she had today in a long time. He had always brought that out in her…had always been able to make her laugh or smile no matter what was going on in her mind. "My apologies," she quipped. "I just didn't want you getting too excited…remember, those cameras ruin that spontaneity."

"It's been noted," he said as the elevator came to a stop, the doors sliding open onto her floor.

Johanna sighed deeply as she they stepped out into the hallway. Just a few more months, she told herself as they began the trek to her office. Just a few more months of having to walk into that place and then she'd be free. No one bothered them as they made their way to her office and when she stepped across the threshold and saw that Sharon wasn't at her desk and that her computer screen was asleep, she breathed easier, figuring her secretary must still be at lunch.

"Looks like you're in luck, sweetheart," Jim said quietly. "Big mouth isn't here."

She gave him a small smile. "Is it wrong for me to be glad?" she asked as she unlocked the door of her inner office.

"No, of course not. I'm kind of glad myself," he admitted. "Do you want me to get out of here before she gets back…or can I come in for a few minutes?"

"I figured you'd come in," she said as she stepped into her office. "But if you don't want to, I understand…you probably don't feel very comfortable being here."

"I'm not worried about these people," Jim said. "At least not in regard to me. I worry about them in regard to you because I know they give you a hard time."

"It's nothing I can't handle…since I do still have a couple months to go here, I want you to feel like you're free to come in," she told him. "I know I hurt you when I didn't let you come in the day I told them…and I feel badly about that, Jim…but I didn't know what else to do."

"I know; we talked about it and I get it. I'm not angry with you about it…I'm just trying to keep things comfortable for you, because I know I can walk out of here in a few minutes but you have to stay for the rest of the day."

"What if I said I didn't care?" she asked. "Because I don't care about what they think or what they say. It's my life, not theirs. I said you can come in…so if you want to, come in and I'll close the door so we can finish our afternoon privately."

Jim gave a nod and stepped across the threshold, moving into her office with a feeling of relief. He took a better look around her office as she closed the door; noting the differences between now and the last time he had been there which would have been in late 1998. Sheer lavender curtains hung on the windows where there used to be rose colored ones. A sleek silver laptop rested on her desk instead of the bulkier computer of the late nineties. His eyes moved to the framed items on the wall, the familiar sight of her diplomas…a few accolades she had won in the past but then his gaze landed on one he hadn't seen before…one she had dreamed of earning but rarely ever had allowed herself to voice the desire aloud. But it was there, that dream of being honored by the National Association of Women Lawyers achieved in his absence. He ached at the thought, he had missed it…missed her being honored for her work and dedication to her field. He should've been there…he should've escorted her to the ceremony, bought her roses and showered her with an expensive gift to show his pride. But he hadn't been there and that moment of seeing her recognized was lost for him.

"Jim?" Johanna said softly, pulling him from his thoughts as he stared at plaque on her wall.

"You won it," he said simply. "The one you always wanted although you said it would never happen."

"Believe me, I didn't expect it," she replied, her gaze finding the award he was staring at. "I don't even know who put me in for it."

"When did you get it?"

"Three years ago."

"I wish I could've seen it…I assume there was an awards banquet?"

"Yes."

"I should've been there…telling everyone how lucky I was to be there with you," he murmured. "I would've gone all out for you that evening."

"I know you would have," she replied softly. "I never saw myself winning it…and then when it happened…it felt a little hollow without you to share it with. I didn't even want to go…but Katie told me I had to…that you'd want me to…because you would want it for me more than I did."

"She's right," he told her. "On all counts. Did you go?"

"Yes. Katie went with me…and Frankie and Valerie came and your mother…but I wanted you…and I'm not saying that to hurt you; just that I thought of you the whole time."

"I hurt but it's because I missed it; not because of anything you said. I'm sorry I wasn't there, Jo."

"It's not your fault," she answered. "I know you would've been if you could."

He nodded, a feeling of loss spreading through him. "I'm so proud of you; I always knew they'd recognize you…they would've been fools not to."

She gave him a shy smile as she ducked her head. "I still think it was a fluke," she whispered. "I've said it all along."

He bumped her chin up with his knuckle. "There's no fluke when it comes to my girl. You earned it and I couldn't be more proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Any other surprises I should know about?" Jim asked. "You didn't get promoted to judge, did you?"

Johanna laughed. "No; you don't have to worry about that. I did meet Judge Judy though at a law conference a few years ago if that's anything to you."

Amusement gleamed in his eyes. "Really or are trying to get one over on me?"

"No, I really did," she laughed. "I have a picture with her at home somewhere. She was a guest speaker."

"Then maybe I should rephrase and ask if you've been rubbing elbows with any other celebrities."

Johanna shook her head. "Just your daughter…who isn't always entirely thrilled to be Nikki Heat and likes to make sure that everyone she cares about knows that certain things in those books are definitely fictional."

Jim nodded. "What exactly does that imply?"

"Sex scenes."

"Sorry I asked."

"I figured you would be," she said with a laugh.

"I guess I better add her writer to your celebrity list," Jim commented.

"Honestly, I don't know him all that well," she admitted. "Katie tends to keep her boyfriends at a distance for awhile…apparently my critiques are even harsher than yours were…so, you know, at least you know I carried the mantle for you in that regard."

"I appreciate that; all of her boyfriends must be treated like suspects…especially when I'm not sure that some of them weren't criminals," he said wryly.

"You'll be happy to know that she's out of that phase…I think."

"We'll hope for the best," he admitted.

Johanna moved to her desk and picked up a framed photo and handed it to him. "This is of me and Katie the night of the awards ceremony," she told him.

Jim looked at the picture of his wife and daughter, both of them dressed elegantly in cocktail dresses, smiles on their lips. "My beautiful girls," he said quietly. "She can't ever deny being your daughter…she looks even more like you now than she did."

"Maybe so…but I still see plenty of shades of you in her; the shape of her face, that serious expression she gets when she's concentrating, your height and hairline…her love for Chinese food."

He gave a soft quiet laugh as he handed back the picture. "And you still hate Chinese food?"

"With a passion," she confirmed.

"That's good to know…if that answer had changed I wouldn't know how to cope with it."

Johanna smiled. "You don't have to worry; I still hate it."

His gaze returned to the décor of her office, seeing the familiar pieces and the new additions; the row of neat law books on the shelves; the files and papers on her desk neatly organized just as they always had been…but there was still tension in her body; a look in her eyes that told him of her unease at work. It was something he never thought he'd see in her eyes…but the things she told him at lunch were still fresh in his mind, allowing him to read her like he used to. She didn't want to be here anymore…thirteen years of turmoil, worry, fear and bullying had taken their toll and she was ready to close the book on her career…and he didn't blame her. She had achieved the things she wanted to achieve…she had given the law thirty-nine years of her life. She had earned the right to say no more…to cut off the toxic people who were making her miserable and give up something that she had lost her passion for. It pained him that he had been a big part of the reason that her feelings had changed for the job she had once loved but there was no changing that…and no one had the right to ask her to keep putting up with the things she had dealt with while he was away.

"I had a nice time," Johanna said, breaking the silence as they lingered by her desk.

"Me too," Jim replied as he met her eye. "I hope we can do it again soon?"

She nodded. "Yes, I'd like that."

He smiled but seriousness stole across his gaze. "Jo?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you should retire," he said quietly and sincerely.

"Really?" she asked. "You don't think I'm making a mistake?"

"No; I think it's time…you're not happy here and I don't want you to stay somewhere where you're not happy, sweetheart. You told me all of your reasons and they're all good reasons for leaving. You deserve better than this place…I want you to have better. I want you to be happy. You're making the right decision; not that you need anyone's permission."

"I know…but I've been thinking about it for awhile," Johanna admitted. "And I always wished I could have your input on it…telling me if you thought I was doing the right thing or just being petty."

"You're doing the right thing," Jim told her as he held her gaze. "You've always had good instincts. You want to leave and your gut is telling you it's time…and I can't think of one reason to give you for not doing it. It's time and I'm behind you one hundred percent on the decision you made."

His words and support were like a soothing balm being spread over her heart, easing some of the ache that had lingered there for so long. She had always wanted his input on the decision and now she had it with his words…and he didn't think she was wrong. "Thank you," she murmured. "That means a lot to me."

"You know I'm always behind you, Jo."

"It's nice to hear the words though…especially after so long."

"I know," he murmured giving her a small smile. "I'm going to make sure you always have them again when you want them."

"I always want them."

He breathed deeply, knowing it was probably time to leave so she could get back to work. He ached to kiss her…remembered that she had said the night before that she might be open to it if things had went well…but he couldn't ask. She had opened up to him a little bit at lunch, allowing him to see how deep some of her wounds ran and he felt he had no right to ask for affection at the moment. "I should go," he said as he reached for her hand. "I'm sure you have a lot of work to do."

Her fingers curled around his hand in a soft squeeze. "It's a bit of a slow day actually."

"Have you stopped taking new cases in preparation for retirement?" he asked.

"I'm still taking on small things that can be quickly resolved…and for a few long-time clients who want me to clean up some things before I close up shop here."

"I'm with you one hundred percent on retiring," Jim remarked. "But you know, state law says you have to keep your license current anyway so if you still wanted to work for a few of your long-time clients, you could do that on your own terms…and that's not me trying to change your mind in any way, just…you know…I probably shouldn't have said it so never mind."

Johanna smiled softly as she shook her head. "It's fine that you said it, I know what you meant. You were saying I could freelance if I got the urge…and I admit that for a few of my long-time clients, I have told them that they can call me if it's something they'd feel more comfortable having me handle…and I feel like some of them probably will…but it's also okay if they don't."

"It'll be good for you to have a break," he replied. "I know you like teaching and put the word out at Columbia but…there's no need to rush into another job. Take time for you and…," he trailed off, not allowing the rest of the sentence to fall from his lips.

"And for us?" she said softly.

His head dipped slightly at the knowledge that she had read him like a book…just as she always had. "Yeah…you know…if it's what you want."

"Of course I want it…isn't that why we went out today? To show each other that we want it?"

Jim nodded. "Yes; but I'm trying to keep in mind that you might change your mind about me."

"When have I ever done that?"

He shrugged. "They say there's a first time for everything."

She worried her bottom lip for a moment, her fingers tightening around his. "Not when it comes to something like us; we've always been the exception to every rule, haven't we?"

"Yeah, but that was before…."

"And this is now," Johanna replied. "We said we'd start over…and I think that we did a better job of that day. Don't you think we had a successful first date?"

"We did," he said with a smile as he met her eye. "But just like the last time that we had a first official date, I worried the whole time that I'd blow it."

"Yeah, well…I changed clothes three times this morning so…you're not cornering the market here on date nerves," she remarked.

He grinned. "Now, sweetheart, you know what I told you about clothes long ago."

Johanna laughed. "I remember…men don't really care what you wear as long as you're willing to take it off…but since this was a lunch date, I knew that wasn't option so you know…I had to debate what to wear."

"We could've went to dinner instead," he quipped. "Evening dates do give more time and options."

She smiled. "I think it was better for us to start with lunch…less chance of getting ahead of ourselves."

"True," Jim replied, and he meant it. There was too much at stake to be rushing through things when they needed to start over and rebuild. "I better go so you can get back to work…I don't want to be causing trouble for you."

"I'm not worried about them."

"I know…but I worry about you."

"I'm fine; I can handle them."

"I know you can…but you shouldn't have to."

"It won't be for much longer," Johanna replied.

"I'm glad," Jim said as he brought her hand to his lips and pressed a lingering kiss against her skin; wishing it could be the kiss he wanted but he wasn't going to push. "Thank you for today."

"I'm supposed to thank you, you bought," she murmured.

He gave a soft shake of his head. "I'm thanking you for giving me a chance today…because I know I blew the last few you gave me…and you would've been well within your rights not to give me another one but you did and it means the world to me."

"You know I can never give up on you, Jim."

"I hope that's always true," he told her, brushing one more kiss against her hand. "I'll go now and let you get back to work…but you can call if you need me," he said as he forced himself to release her hand and step back.

"You could call me too," she said softly.

"Tonight?" he asked.

"If you want."

"I do…maybe before I go to bed…that way I don't have my mother eavesdropping and you'll be settled for the night?"

"Sounds good to me," Johanna replied, giving him a small smile. "Around nine-thirty?"

"Nine-thirty, I promise," he said with a smile as he began to turn to head to the door, feeling like he had made a good amount of progress.

A pang of longing struck her heart as he started to move to the door and before she could stop herself, she called out to him. "Jim…wait."

Jim turned back to face her. "What's wrong?"

"You forgot something," she murmured as she moved toward him.

"What?"

"This," she whispered as she cupped his jaw and caught his lips in a slow kiss.

Jim thought his heart might burst with relief and love as she allowed him to pull her back in for a second kiss, his hands slipping around her waist. The spark that had always been between them was still there, burning brightly as he kissed her for a third time, each kiss a little deeper than the one before as they were drawn into their own little world.

The door of her office cracked open but they were oblivious to the fact until a voice shattered their peace. "Oh make me sick," Sharon stated.

"Have you ever heard of knocking?" Johanna asked angrily although she made no move to step out of Jim's embrace.

"How was I supposed to know that you were in here sucking face with the man who abandoned you?" Sharon said. "I mean it is business hours and they do frown on sex in the office if that's where you were headed next."

Johanna smirked at her. "It's a shame no one has told Phil that…if I remember correctly, that's where you caught him with that assistant."

Sharon's jaw tightened. "Don't bring my husband into this!"

"Then don't act like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not," Johanna retorted; feeling the tension entering Jim's body.

"That might be a matter of opinion," Sharon remarked. "I think you're stupid."

Jim pulled away from her with lightening speed and turned on Sharon. "Don't you ever call my wife stupid again," he said, his tone firm and full of fury. "She has more intelligence than you could ever hope to have."

"Like I said, that might be a matter of opinion when it comes to this one," the secretary remarked. "As for being your wife, she stopped being one the day you walked out on her."

"I've got a few opinions about you," Jim retorted. "She has always been my wife and she will always be my wife. I didn't leave her for some tramp or because I felt like it. I left because I had no choice."

"So you claim."

"Don't you stand there and act like I wanted to do this," Jim said angrily. "You don't know a damn thing about it."

"Yeah, and you don't know a damn thing about what she was like with you gone," Sharon retorted. "How she dra…"

"Get out!" Johanna yelled, cutting off her words. "Get out of my office now!"

"You heard her," Jim said as he moved toward Sharon. "Get out."

Johanna wrapped her hand around his arm, gently pulling him back to her. "Get out, Sharon."

Her secretary smirked at her. "Anxious to get back to it? You've got a real problem, Jo…you really do."

"You're going to have a problem in about thirty seconds if you don't get the hell out of here," Johanna told her.

Sharon stepped back out into the outer office and slammed the door shut behind her.

"I'm sorry, Jo," Jim said, feeling like he had probably just ruined things by flying off the handle.

"No," she said with a shake of her head. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm sorry you had to be subjected to my coworkers."

"I don't care about them. I care about you."

She moved back into his space, capturing his lips in another kiss. "It's okay, I'm not mad at you for snapping at her…it doesn't change that we had a nice time or that we're going to talk later."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

He breathed deeply and took the risk of pressing one more kiss to her lips. "I better go before I do get in trouble," he told her.

Johanna smiled, her fingers reaching for his and curling around them as she followed him to the door. "Thank you for lunch."

"You're welcome, sweetheart," he said as they moved into the outer office, ignoring Sharon's smirk as she sat at her desk.

"I'll talk to you tonight," Johanna said, giving his hand one more squeeze as she held his gaze.

Jim nodded. "I'm looking forward to it. I love you, have a good afternoon."

"You too," she murmured, a pang racing through her as he squeezed her hand and then released it before heading to the door without even bothering to look at Sharon.

Once he was out of sight, Johanna turned toward her secretary. "I'm going to tell you something, Sharon, and you keep your mouth shut while I say it. Don't you ever disrespect my husband when he comes in my office again. You don't have to like my choices, but I'll be damned if you're going to disrespect him in front of me. You got away with far more than I would like today because that's how he wanted it so that it wouldn't ruin our date…but mark my words, it better not happen again. Now I'm going in and shut the door; don't bother me unless it's about work because I don't care to hear anything else you have to say, do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal clear, Mrs. Beckett," Sharon said snidely.

"Good," she said before turning and heading back to her office, closing the door behind her. She wasn't foolish enough to believe that Sharon wouldn't voice her two cents on a different day…but for today she felt like she had victories…she had put her in her place…she had a good lunch date with Jim despite its moments of awkwardness…and most of all, she still had the taste and feel of his kiss in mind and maybe that would get her through the rest of the day.

---

"What do you think of it?" Jim asked his mother that evening as he showed her the gift he had purchased for Johanna after leaving her office that afternoon.

"Don't you think it's a little soon to be buying her jewelry?" Elizabeth asked. "Just because you had one good date doesn't mean you run out and buy jewelry…it was only lunch after all."

"A successful lunch," he stated; "And she kissed me goodbye."

"So you got her jewelry because she kissed you goodbye after lunch?" his mother inquired. "Are you giving prizes for affection, Jimmy? Because I don't think that's going to work as well as you think."

"No!" he exclaimed. "I saw her award from the National Associate of Women Lawyers. I wanted to get her something to celebrate it."

"Jimmy, she won that award years ago."

"I don't care…she always dreamed of that…and I wasn't here to give her all of the things she should've had for that night. I need to make it up to her. I want to give her a gift just like I would've done when she won."

"Jimmy," Elizabeth said with a soft shake of her head. "I understand that you're sorry that you missed that moment in her life…but you just can't make up some things."

Frustration tightened his jaw. "I know I can't make up the whole thing but I can still give her a gift; something from me to commemorate her achievement."

"I understand…but she might not be willing to accept a gift like this so soon from you."

"Yeah, well, maybe she'll surprise you and will accept it for what it is; me celebrating my wife achieving one of her dreams. You don't know that she won't accept it."

"No, I don't know for certain but it might make her feel somewhat pressured with you springing jewelry on her so soon."

His eyes narrowed as he regarded her, snapping the box closed as he did so. "All I wanted to know was if you thought it was a nice piece…worthy of her…not that you think she'll throw it in my face and walk out the door."

"I didn't say she'd do that," Elizabeth remarked. "I said she might feel pressured…it might make things awkward."

"What if you're wrong?" he asked. "What if she just accepts it and appreciates that I wanted to be a part of it for her even if it is three years too late?"

"I hope for your sake that I am wrong," his mother replied; "Because I'm not sure you can handle being the wrong one at the moment. One lunch date and a kiss and you're rushing off to buy jewelry for an occasion that happened years ago…did you ever stop and think that it might just bring back the reminder that you weren't here for it?"

"You say that like she's somehow forgotten that I wasn't there," he retorted.

Elizabeth sighed. "Jimmy; I just think you're rushing."

"It's a damn gift. Where is it written that I can't give my wife a gift?"

"Nowhere but this isn't exactly a normal situation."

Anger and hurt flooded his veins. He had felt so good when he had left her office…felt even better when he had found the gift that was nestled in his hand. He just wanted to do something to celebrate her achievement…wanted her to have something to show how proud he was of her even if it was years too late. All he wanted was for his mother to say if she thought the piece of jewelry he had bought was nice enough…but she couldn't just give him what he wanted…no she had to be contrary and put doubts in his head. He didn't want doubts…he just wanted to concentrate on the kiss she had given him without him even asking. He just wanted to think about the phone call they had planned for that night. With that thought in mind, he stepped away from his mother's chair and headed for the stairs.

"Where are you going?" his mother asked.

"Upstairs. I want to put away the mistake you think I'm making and then get a shower…I have a phone call to make to my wife at a certain time that we agreed on…unless you think that's a mistake too?"

"Don't go off being contrary," she told him. "The gift you chose is very pretty…but I don't think it's going to go over as well as you think. As for the phone call, of course it's not a mistake. I wasn't trying to make you angry…I just think you need to think about it some more."

"Yeah, I'll do that," he lied as he headed up the stairs. He was going to honor her accomplishment whether anyone liked it or not.

---

The clock said nine-twenty when Johanna sat her glass of water on the nightstand. She felt that nervous flutter in her stomach as she settled into bed, propping herself up against the pillows as she reached for the remote and turned the TV on. She had only flipped a few channels when the phone rang, making her heart leap as she snatched it off the nightstand, figuring that Jim had decided to go ahead and call a little early. The screen told her she was wrong however as she glimpsed her daughter's name. She frowned, she only had nine minutes before Jim's call…she could let it ring and call Katie back in the morning…but what if something was wrong? With a sigh, she accepted the call "Hello?"

"Hello," Kate replied. "How was your date?"

Johanna was silent for a long moment; she hadn't told Katie about her date. "What are you talking about?"

"Your lunch date," Kate remarked. "I hear you added to your lunch date rotation."

"Who told you that?" she asked.

"Sharon… she sent me a text telling me that you had a new lunch date."

"And I guess she told you who it was with?"

"Yeah, she told me…why she told me I don't know…but I did wonder why you didn't tell me last night when we talked."

"I didn't know I had to," Johanna replied. "You don't tell me your lunch plans every day."

"I think this is a little different…this involves your recently returned husband."

"You mean your father."

"Same thing," Kate remarked. "So how was your hot date?"

Johanna glanced at the clock; seven minutes. "It was good…but can we talk about it tomorrow?"

There was a brief pause on the line before Kate spoke once more. "Why? Is he there with you?"

"No, he's not with me…but he's supposed to call me at nine-thirty…we agreed on that time at lunch and I don't want him to think that I'm trying to avoid him if the line is busy."

"You have call waiting."

"Katie, you know I've never been able to answer the other line on my cellphone. I always end up disconnecting both calls somehow…we can talk about this tomorrow."

"You're really hanging up on me to take his call?"

"I'm not hanging up on you…I'm asking to call you back at a better time," Johanna replied.

"I think it's kind of the same thing at the moment I can't believe you!"

"Well…you wanted me to get a man in my life, Katie…I got one and I'd like to keep him so…I think I better be waiting for his call."

Kate sighed in disgust. "Why do I feel like I'm going to get a glimpse of what you were like when you were dating him?"

"Probably because I'm dating him in a manner of speaking."

"I wish you'd think about this a little more before rushing into things with him, Mom. You don't know if you can trust him."

"Katie, I appreciate your concern but I think I can handle this. I know you want the details but you'll have to wait until tomorrow, I'm not going to miss his call…not when things went well today. I want to keep that momentum going. I love you, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Fine," her daughter said tersely. "Love you too."

Johanna said goodbye and ended the call, glancing at the clock as she did so. She had four minutes left when the phone rang in her hand and she told herself if it was Katie, she was letting it go to voicemail…but this time her husband's name appeared on the screen and she smiled as she accepted the call. "Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart," Jim said, his tone whiskey soft.

"Hey," she said, warmth spreading through her at the term of endearment…and the fat that he hadn't let her down. Maybe things were starting to turn around for them.

a/n We'll see how the gift goes over in the next chapter!