Hi guys! Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. It was only supposed to be a few weeks while I was getting married but then I lost a family member unexpectedly and that totally wrecked any creativity I had. When I was finally able to go back in the saddle, I got COVID...So let's say I didn't have a fun time lately...So I am sorry. I hope you will love this chapter. You can say it's my love letter to Nine, because even if I love Ten dearly, Nine will always be my first Doctor 3
Thank you to my beta, who was awesome in those last few months and more importantely, thank you to my wife who without her support, this chapter would not have been made!
Chapter 36
Opening the door had been the easiest part. Clearly the Gurunian didn't really expect any kind of resistance, and the sonic screwdriver only needed a minute to work his magic. While the Doctor that she knew now was busy rallying the crowd in something more manageable, she and her first Doctor had slipped out of the room without a sound, not really surprised about the lack of guard or presence around the corridor. While they were being moved to the cell, Rose had only heard the Gurunian around her and never felt another presence until she had been pushed inside, showing their arrogance and hubris in the face of all this violence.
As they walked slowly in the hallway, making sure to check at each point for any guards, the Doctor finally broke the silence. "How long has it been for you?" he asked nonchalantly, making her stumble under the surprise.
She catches herself up with the wall at the last second. "What?" she could only ask as her heart beat wildly in her chest.
He smiled, his eyes soft and gentle, like he knew he had hit a weak point on his first try. "I see how you look at me, and your reaction was pretty telling. So how long?" He shrugged, looking around like the response was not that important to him. But she knew him, she knew him by heart even after all those years. He really wanted to know.
She almost told him how much his regeneration had hurt her, how she still had nightmares from time to time. Her love for him still burns deep, almost as much as her current Doctor because they were the same person. She wanted to say it took her weeks to stop sleeping with his leather jacket, to stop searching for blue eyes when she turned around. How her younger self was desperately in love with him, and even decades later seeing him was still making her want to hug him and never let go. Yes, she loved her Doctor with everything in her and that included him, probably until her dying day. But when she looked at him all those words disappeared and she could only muster a weak smile.
"Not long enough," she finally said, all her words disappearing on her.
He snorted but the points of his ears turned red, showing he had understood the underlying of her words. "How can you miss that old daft face? Especially with a pretty boy around." The trace of disgust was not lost on her and wondered once again if he could be jealous of himself.
"When you regenerated, I would have given everything to have you back," she said honestly. He turned around, surprise written on his face, but now that the floodgates were open she could not stop the words. She had waited an eternity to say them. "I even asked him to turn back, because imagining my life without you felt unbearable. I cried for you and I mourned you. Yes I accepted him right away but how could I not? When he was you. But that doesn't mean I didn't miss you. I kept your leather jacket in my room for months, until I could only smell myself. So yes, I missed that old daft face." she felt moisture in her eyes but she refused to hide them, he deserved as much.
He suddenly stopped, and without further notice he opened one of the doors that was near them and pushed them inside. Fortunately the little room was empty except for a few supplies and discarded chairs. "Oh Rose…" he said, his voice breaking on the last syllable. And before she could move another step, he scooped her in his arms, hugging her like he was afraid she would disappear at any moment. "You never got to say goodbye, did you?" he whispered in her ear. Too perceptive for his own good.
Rose felt herself once again silently crying, smashing her face against his shoulder, the scent of him engulfing her. She knew their time was only fleeting, but she would enjoy every second, they deserved as much. She owed it to her younger self, and the numerous times she had wished for just five more minutes. "I never had the time. It happened so fast," she admitted, quietly sobbing at the memory. "I wasn't ready." As the words left her mouth, she felt a weight fall off her shoulders, a guilt she never realized having melted with her tears. "I wasn't ready and I'm sorry."
He tightened his embrace and she felt his smile in her hair. "Was it a good death at least?" When he sensed her hesitation he added, "I wont remember a thing. No chance of changing the timelines."
She couldn't tell him about Bad Wolf, and the consequences of her trying to save his life. She absolutely refused to burden him with it, even if it was temporary. She could never do that to him. "You saved my life," was her answer because in the end, she still spoke the truth. He took on the Time Vortex to save her life, killing himself in the process.
"So it was worth it," he said while taking a step back, satisfaction bleeding from his voice. She could feel him soften slightly, peace irradiating from all around him. "Would not have wished a better death really."
She snorted, her heart in her throat. "I would have prefered no death at all, if I had a say. But… at least your successor isn't half bad." She smiled, clearly joking. "And he has great hair!"
He smoothed over his own cropped hair, looking a bit self conscious. "Yeah he's not half pretty, I give you that. Would give Jack a run for his money." He stayed silent for a second, pondering something. "I could not help but see he is not with you. Please don't tell me he tried to sell the TARDIS or something." His pleading face would have been hilarious if not for the fact that Jack Harkness was still a sore subject.
"No he…" she choked up at his memories. Jack had been her best friend. The brother she never had, and knowing he had died at the hand of the Dalek, that she had been too late to save him, it was still very hard for her. "He died. I tried to save you both, but I think I was too late for him." She could still not remember her first time as Bad Wolf, but she knew deep down what happened. She had been too late for him.
He frowned, trying to decipher what she was trying to say exactly. But even for him it was cryptic. "What do you mean you don't remember? What happened?"
She turned around and walked to one of the chairs that had been discarded in a corner of the room. "When I tried to save you…" There was a pause as Rose considered how to tell him about it, but still keep her secret. "I had to take some drastic actions, and I almost died doing it. I think that's why I still don't remember, it was so traumatic for me in a way that I blocked everything." It was not the complete truth, but how could she explain being pretty sure the TARDIS took away the memories when she gave her back her heart without making him explode with rage? "You basically exchanged your life for mine, dragging me back to the TARDIS while I was unconscious. So when I woke up, you were regenerating and then we fell down on Earth…it was pretty hectic for a time. And when I finally asked where Jack was…That's when I knew that he died a hero. He was still a con man, and someone that you could ever fully trust. But for me he was a friend, and more than that he was family."
He walked to her, putting his hand on her shoulder, trying his best to show his support. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to hug you?" he asked awkwardly. Feelings were not his forte, but at least he was trying and that was enough for Rose. She nodded and turned around, melting into his arms quite willingly.
After a minute he finally released her, and with one last smile and a nod, he turned around and walked out of the room, leaving a slightly stunned Rose behind. She had expected a bit more discussion, or even questions about Jack or the events surrounding his regeneration. She had been prepared for anything, from a barrage of accusations to maybe a bit of flirty banter. But she had forgotten how moody and unpredictable he could be. With everything going through her head, it took her almost a minute to realize what happened and finally follow him.
She ran after him. Once she caught up to him, and almost collided with his back at the bend of a corridor, there was a moment of surprise at his motionless body. He turned to face her when he felt her against his back and put his finger on his lips, motionning with his other hand to listen. After a second she realized she could hear people talking. Two, maybe three at most, and they weren't that far away from where the Doctor stood, maybe just ten meter from their position, right behind the corner of the room.
He started to rummage through his pockets, adjusting the settings of the screwdriver with his other hand to something she was sure would give away their positions. Then when he grinned from ear to ear, Rose knew she had to act fast. The Doctor was not really known for being subtle, this one even less. So before he could make a move, she pushed him aside with a cheeky smile, a small pocket mirror already in hand. Understanding what she wanted to do he only nodded and took a step back, ready to jump into action if needed but mostly making sure they would not be interrupted.
She crouched, trying her best to be as inconspicuous as possible while slowly moving to the right position, placing the mirror discreetly on the ground. And to the biggest surprise of the Doctor, as she had finally a visual on the other side of the wall, she described with a few manual gestures that was not out of place on a battlefield, that two unarmed Gurunian were near a simple door that only had one point of entry, something that will definitely complicate the possibilities of retrieving his belongings as soon as possible. As he pondered the mystery that had become Rose Tyler, he noticed the intricate watch on her wrist, something she was apparently tinkering with right now as her attention was fully on it, and not on the mirror on the ground. She brutally smiled, apparently satisfied with something and before he could make a sound, she had already retreated with mirror in hand. She gestured to him to follow her and the Doctor, still under the surprise and shock of what happened, compiled without a sound.
They walked back to the room they had made a brief stop in, and as soon as they walked through the door, the Doctor exploded.
"Since when do you know about military hand signals?" he asked, stunned and a bit outraged at the same time. The Rose Tyler he had in front of him was so radically different from his Rose, he wasn't sure how to react. His Rose didn't even know military hand signals existed, even more how to use them. What happened in the few years to transform her to that point?
She looked at him surprised before her whole demeanor changed, and he could feel her closing off in front of him. "I don't know what you mean…"
He rolled his eyes, already exasperated by all those dramatics. Something happened and he wanted to know what it was, and he wanted to know right now. "You are what? Four maybe five years older than when we traveled together, and in that time you suddenly learned military hand signals. You're clearly walking around with a teleporter." She turned her head, guilt written all around her face, and she tried, in vain, to hide her wrist. "Sandshoes seem desperate to not upset you. What. Happened?" he asked once again, his voice taking a hard tone he never had to use on the Rose that he knew. He knew it was unfair, and he was probably blinded by the desire to protect his Rose, because seeing her jaded and hardened made him want to scream into the void. But before he could drill himself up once again, she started to talk.
"We got separated," she admitted a bit defensively, her face suddenly unreadable, making him close his mouth with a click. "After you regenerated, something big happened. Big enough to open a hole between the dimensions. We were able to close it, but the price was pretty high." She felt her throat close up at the memories, how much that blank wall had hurt. She had recurring nightmares for a few years after that, all centered around that particular wall. "I was stuck on one side with no way of getting back."
He frowned. "Since the fall of Gallifrey, it should be impossible to cross over. The energy alone to open a hole would be massive! How did you come back?"
That was one of the things she loved about this Doctor, how no nonsense he was. He knew it would be impossible to cross over, but the fact she was in front of him, was enough for him to revise his view. And now he wanted to know what changed the possibilities of the event. It was somewhat refreshing for her, even if the skepticism of her current Doctor had saved their life more than once. So she told him everything, well almost everything; because she was afraid if he heard the whole truth, he would find a way to pin it on her Doctor and try to kill him. His temper was the best and the worst of him sometimes.
But she spoke to him about her life in the other universe. How she tried to find her way in a world that was moving forward without her, how after the other him said goodbye she thought she would never see him again. Then how she rebuilt herself with the help of her family, reborn in the ashes of her suffering, knowing that everything she once knew was out of reach. But then the stars started disappearing. Then came the cracks and the panic it created. And finally, how with the help of a full team of the best scientists that Torchwood could afford, she created the hopper while desperately trying to find the trigger that was destroying her new universe, before crash landing here without any way of going back.
During her whole speech The Doctor felt silent, just listening to her tales. But with each second, he felt like his hearts were squeezed inside his chest more and more. When he had taken her hand, all he ever wanted was to show her the universe, make her realize how extraordinary she was. To see her smile and keep the loneliness at bay. He knew it would not be forever, because she was only human. And now, the more she spoke, the more he was feeling like someone had turned on the light. Rose, his wonderful Rose, the woman who could not know a coil spring from a rubber bushing to save her life had now basically rewritten the law of the universes, just because she decided it was time to save it. He had hoped that one day in their travels she would see herself as he saw her: strong, fierce, magnificent. But she had exceeded everything he could have ever envisioned for her.
He knew he was looking at her with a mix of dumbfoundedness and adoration, trying to wrap his head around how his young and somewhat uncertain Rose had morphed into the untamed wolf he saw in front of him. And to his shame, he felt himself feel even more deeply in love with her.
"How on Gallifrey it could have gone THAT pear shaped after my regeneration? And since when do you know how to solder metal?" he asked instead, trying to cover his sudden urge to kiss her senseless and make a perfect fool of himself.
To his relief she laughed, completely oblivious of his intense turmoil. "Well, technically it's Mickey that did all the soldering. I was just the one with the theoretical knowledge," she explained with a fond smile on her face, as if she hadn't turned the Doctor's world completely upside down in the last ten minutes.
His jaw slacked at the image of her reciting quantum physics and spacetime theory to a room full of captive scientists, cracking what humans were only supposed to discover thousands of years from now. "You are incredible!" he blurted out, dazed by her radiance. As soon as the words left his mouth, he instantly felt the urge to facepalm or better yet, just throw himself headfirst into the vortex. He was sure that by now, his next body was suddenly overcome with a strong urge to bang his head against a wall. He probably should make a mental note to apologize for that before they part ways. "I mean for a human whose species still thinks that string theory is real."
"Haha, really funny," she deadpanned, still frowning at his Dr Jekyll and Hyde outburst of feelings. She really loved him, but she had forgotten with the years how he could make her head spin with his constant change of mood and cryptic turn of words. With him it was like trying to navigate a labyrinth blind. At least her current Doctor was a bit more direct for that. "Thank you for the vote of confidence. So now are you letting me go retrieve our things, or are you planning on insulting my methods too?"
His snort made her almost want to punch him, hard, in the shoulder. Half for old time sake, and half because she wanted to remind him she was not the nineteen year old he was traveling with.
"What? You want to take the two gurunians by yourself now? And then what? Are you expecting me to wait behind if they manage to stir up more people?" His voice was grating and somewhat mocking, and she wondered once again how her younger self had been able to travel with him without the intermittent urge to smother him in his sleep. Love was really completely blind sometimes. Even if she knew it was his defense mechanism to mock and scorn when he felt he had been too vulnerable, especially around her.
She took out her hopper with an exasperated sigh. "I'm going to teleport inside, get our stuff and then teleport back. What do you think I was writing down before? The best way to chat them up while they pass us? I was calculating the spatial coordinates of the room to be sure I wouldn't end up in a wall or worse, directly in the path of one of them."
To her exasperation, he snorted. "Don't be ridiculous, Rose. Last time you tried to make it technical, we got stuck with Jack. I'll do it." She was more and more grumpy by the second and his somewhat superior smirk made her want to turn around and scream. She knew this Doctor was as bad as her own concerning sharing the lead, even if he had mellowed a little bit with Jack around. However, she suspected it was more because Jack was as insane as him, rather than pure generosity. Also the fact that more than half of Jack's plan was him running around naked while the Doctor made fun of him was the bonus part. But right now, even if she loved him with everything in her, she was not really fond of him.
She knew exactly what would happen if she let him take the lead once again. He would try to convince her he knew better, or even worse, take out his sonic before running head first into the Gurunians to prove something; while she would be stuck to be the lookout and save his arse when his plan ultimately backfired. So, before he could have time to argue, she smiled sardonically at him, then winked and punched the button on her teleporter, disappearing in a flash of light. He was left there alone, and shocked by her braziness, in what was basically a glorified janitor closet.
—
He had been pacing back and forth, completely out of his mind with worry, when she reappeared in a flash a few minutes later. She stumbled on one of the chairs that was a bit too close from her point of return, and her hands were full with their stuff and her face sporting a clearly satisfied smile. He only spared her a look, stopping for half a second on her surprisingly familiar leather jacket, making him start muttering to himself in addition to his marching. When they get back to the cell, he's going to corner his next counterpart to have the whole story, because her new streak of pure wildness and defiance was making him want to barricade her in a cupboard for her own safety. He was pretty sure he had lost at least ten years of his life in the last two minutes.
When after a few seconds of looking at him doing round and round, grumbling like a lion in a cage, she cleared her throat making him brutally stop and turn around, a murderous glint in his eyes.
She sighed internally. She knew that face and that look. Saw him use it way too many times on either Jack, as his special touch of friendliness had not been well received in the beginning, especially when it was turned to her. Or to the alien that decided to piss him off that week. And the few times she had been the recipient of it, it had not been a good time. For either of them. She put down the pile of clothes that was emcubering her and crossed her arms, ready for the lecture she knew would follow. "Ok out with it," she said, knowing perfectly that trying to talk him down would only extend the inevitable.
His posture became suddenly rigid and if his eyes could have spit fire, the room would have been ablaze. "What you did was completely irresponsible!" he suddenly exploded, not really caring about the volume of his voice. Thank god the doors were closed, and the two guards had probably gone back to their post because they would have been spotted in a heartbeat. "You could have been hurt, incapacited or worse dead! And then what… Just to prove a point? That you are not a child anymore? You should have let me handle it or at least let me help!"
And here laid the issue on point, she had acted without his guidance, and the control freak in him was now throwing a fit. When she was Nineteen she found his brand of protectiveness quite cute at times, but now as she was older, she felt her blood pressure spike at his words. She had completely forgotten the patronizing part of him that was already infuriating when she was young. Now, it felt inacceptable. "Why? Because you are the high and mighty Time Lord? Because I'm just a poor ape who doesn't know better?" She saw the start of a rebuttal on his lips, and didn't want to give him the possibilities of refuting it. "Newsflash, Doctor, I am perfectly capable of thinking of a plan and executing it without your input."
"That was not a plan!" he screamed back. "You literally decided to do it to spite me! Don't try to say you have thought of something. You didn't have a plan, or even a backup! You could have put everyone in danger with your recklessness!"
Rose breathed deeply, counting to ten in her head, trying to remember that he didn't have the whole story nor the facts the other Doctor took so long to understand. For him, she was still the young and inexperienced companion that kept on putting herself in the most insane situation and needed to be regularly helped. This Doctor had been insanely protective of her, to the point of madness sometimes, and she knew now that between the Time War and his conflicting feelings it was his way of coping. But it was still pretty tiresome, even more so now.
"Do you really think so little of me?" she finally asked after a few seconds. "I knew exactly what I was doing. The security was pretty flimsy, and I knew no one would be inside. At worst if things went wrong, I could tap on the recall button in a quarter of second. It's not my first rodeo. And you are one to talk by the way," she added after a second, reminding of a few specific adventures together. "You are even worse, Doctor. Most of the time your plan consists of 'let's blow stuff up and see what happens' or 'Hey let's get captured, I'm sure it will be fun!'. So don't start. You are just miffed because I took the lead without consulting you. You are the worst control freak I know." His grim figure was response enough for her and she handed him his leather jacket before he had time to jump back again in the argument. "Let's go, we still have to find the exit route."
—
They had been walking for a few minutes in total silence. Not from Rose's lack of trying, but this Doctor was basically made of pure stubbornness and sheer inflexibility, when she decided that enough is enough. She only had a limited time with him before losing him forever once again. She refused to waste another second just because he had decided to be in one of his moods. So she stopped right in front of him, forcing him to stop too if he didn't want to ram right into her.
"Ok enough, Doctor," she said, her voice strong and inflexible. "I know I worried you by disappearing in hostile ground like that, and I should have maybe explained my plan a bit better, but I need you to stop trying to punish me." His eyes became soft, and she saw the remorse in them. It was exactly what he was doing and he knew she knew it. "We only have a limited time together; I refuse to pass it mad to each other. If you have something to say, say it now. And I will not apologize for what I did ok?"
It was like her words made him deflate on himself, and all the fight burning in him suddenly left him. "I was worried," he finally admitted after half a minute of silence, making Rose's heart melt on itself under all the subtext of these three simple words. "And mad because you literally disappeared on me." He was not looking at her, but she still felt her presence right through her, just like old times.
She switched the weight to liberate her right arm, taking his hand in hers. "I am not sorry for what I did. Because it was the safer way to retrieve our things while doing recon, but I am sorry that I let my feelings cloud my judgment and left you without a word. I was annoyed at how dismissive you were, and did exactly the same thing in return." Their eyes crossed as she smiled shyly. "I am sorry, Doctor."
He smiled in turn, gripping her hand with force, showing without a word that he already forgiven her. Like she said, they only had a limited time together and he didn't want to pass it by being angry. With his next him maybe but never her.
"So, what do you say?" His smile now almost splitting his face in two. "We find the perfect path to get out of here, go find the others, overthrow the government and then we go drink a cup of tea while everyone lives happily ever after? Except of course the bad guys."
She knew she was looking stupidly at him right now, and if any Gurunian was patroling those corridors they would be dead meat, but she could not stop smiling. They were the Doctor and Rose, yesterday, today and tomorrow. They were forever. "What are we waiting for?"