AN: forgot to add the author note at the end of chapter 1 so here it is. finally finished this first chapter after having this idea in the back of my head for 2 years. ive been an avid reader of mha fanfic to the point where ive read an unhealthy amount and ive finally decided to write my own. i read fics nonstop for a year and a half and havent seen this idea nor have i even seen one where bakugo is fully explored as a main character so i hope this is original. bakugo is exceptionally difficult to write in character due to the duality of him (but its what makes him interesting). he's psychotic in early canon and a terrible bully, yet he's a struggling young teenager who's smart and strong. he's an abuser while also being groomed to be a hero, and trying to balance how introspective he should be and how correct along with how incorrect and short-sighted (along with balancing his empathy with his tenacious fury) he should be is very difficult but fun. bakugo is my favourite char. i love deku but im sorry haha.
ive spent a lot of time on the word play and specific word choices and word flow, so i hope the quality comes across. thanks to my 2 beta readers nick and alexa. criticism and feedback is appreciated
Chapter 2 - Retrospective
The funeral was a small affair.
It was a personal one rather than a gathering, and the only people Katsuki noted that came was Inko, Izuku's mother, as well as Katsuki's parents. His mother, Mitsuki, hovered around Inko as she provided support due to their history as good and old friends, while his father, Masaru, gave them space but was there if they needed. He knew not many people cared about Izuku, but the reality of it was once again slapped in his face when he saw how barren the graveyard they were standing in was. The feeling was very similar to the one he felt when he realised the gravity of his suicide-baiting towards Izuku. He felt a cold shiver down his spine once he realised this was where he was telling him to put himself – God, he practically put him here himself.
Once Katsuki arrived at the funeral, Inko had – through sunken eyes and waves of tears – softly told him that it wasn't his fault. Katsuki could not respond as he did not know how to. He knew it was his fault. But when seeing the destroyed expression upon her face, he couldn't even look her in the eye, never mind open his mouth. He didn't want to hurt the Midoriya family anymore, so he kept his mouth shut. It was a cruel wake-up call, he figured, but the severity of it paled in comparison to the grief that the two ostracised Midoriya's felt.
Once again, Katsuki felt like throwing up. Guilt, a feeling unfamiliar to him throughout his whole life, had suddenly overtaken his whole body since the incident. His mind had been racing, filled with memories of times he put Izuku down verbally or with a fist, and now he didn't derive any joy from them. He only felt indifference at best, and sickly at worst. This was the reason he didn't want to come to the funeral today, he didn't want to trigger these thoughts again (even though, despite his best efforts, they were constant).
'Where's the karma?', puzzled Bakugo. He stood with his hands in his pockets and soaked in the sun that was hammering down on him from the cloudless sky, yet he felt no warmth. 'I've ruined both of their lives, and this is all I get as a consequence? Some weak thoughts and unhappy feelings? I put a boy down for a decade for being weak and my weakness killed him. Some hero I am.
At least I know what I have to do to be one now.'
It was these conflicting emotions in his heart, that rose to the surface whenever he looked at Inko or the painfully-barren grave she was sobbing over, that caused him to stand and watch from afar. This was why he was the first to notice an older man he had never seen before begin to walk towards Inko and his own mother who currently had an arm around the shorter woman.
"Who the fuck…", whispered Bakugo. 'That can't possibly be his dad, hasn't he been gone forever?'
Katsuki watched as the older man, dressed in a pale trench coat, strode over to them. Inko turned and looked shocked, and they began to exchange words. Katsuki watched her face morph from one of confusion with furrowed eyebrows, to one of gratitude with a wobbly smile. All that Katsuki felt was indignation at not knowing who this mystery man was and why he randomly intruded on the funeral despite Katsuki never having seen him before. Prior to his arrival, Katsuki was absent-minded and wanted nothing more than to go home. He hated what he was feeling when being around this place, he hated feeling guilty for being alive – it wasn't his fault that Deku was suicidal!
'And besides, I know for a fact my life is worth more than his anyway. I could save so many more people than he ever will.'
Katsuki had lived his life happy. He wanted to continue living that way.
However, now all his focus was on finding out who the man was. He almost took it as a challenge. He locked his eyes onto him and didn't let them go astray.
The man eventually finished speaking with Inko. Uncovering a bouquet of beautiful flowers, he gently laid them upon the gravestone, gave a formal bow to excuse himself, and began to walk directly towards Katsuki.
His indignation quickly turned to shock when seeing the man's directness. Watching him slowly approach, Katsuki noticed once he got closer just how tall and gaunt the man was. He looked like a skeleton, 'And that is some fucking unruly blonde hair.'
The man's eyes were practically hidden except for the bright blue iris, Katsuki noticed, as his sapphire ones locked with his own crimson ones.
The skeleton softly spoke first. "Hey."
"Hey."
He fell into line beside Katsuki and joined him in watching the women from afar for a moment, then he let his gaze fall to the floor as he softly spoke to Katsuki.
"I'm so sorry."
"For what? Who the fuck are you even, are you De-Izuku's dad?"
"No, just a friend of the family with a lot of regrets."
Katsuki raised one of his eyebrows, refusing to look away from the grave.
The man continued. "The only good part to all of this is that you're safe, young man. At least his sacrifice was not in vain."
"You call that a sacrifice? I call that bullshit martyrdom – he died for what he believed in: being a true hero. Even All Might said that shit to me after he got rid of the villain, y'know that? I guess he was right, if anyone was going to open my eyes to what a true hero is, it'd be him. But for fuck's sake, he couldn't back it up with anything. He proved his point though, he died to save someone who despised him and stayed true to his ideals. Whoop-de-doo, your reward is a broken neck. I owe him my life and I'll forever be thankful but he's still a fucking moron. I could never do the same, I value my life too much."
A question appeared in his mind. 'Why did he not value his life?'
The man seemed aghast as he gasped. "You weren't friends?"
"Enemies, pal."
"Oh my God, I was even more wrong about him."
Katsuki turned to stare at the older man with a puzzled expression and once again elected to hold his tongue once he noticed the tear running down his cheek.
The two unruly blondes stood in a solemn silence together.
The voices were back.
His own voice, condescending, and Deku's voice, cheerful, had been plaguing him constantly now. If Katsuki had gone schizophrenic, he was going to murder someone. He had never accepted anyone criticising the way he lived his life, and that for sure as hell applied to even his own bickering voice in his head. Strangely enough, Deku's voice was never harmful – just memories of him smiling, complimenting him, talking about what he thinks a hero is, and yet, Deku's voice was vastly more painful than his own.
He had just laid down on his bed after getting home from the funeral, and they had given him no respite in ensuring Katsuki knew his place.
'You weak piece of shit, how could the "soon-to-be number one hero" let someone die in his place?'
'Kacchan is amazing, he can do anything!'
Katsuki threw himself off his bed in an indifference and began to do push-ups.
'You're nothing. Can't have control over your life or your mind, huh?'
'Kacchan is the strongest, he's going to become the best hero ever! Not counting All Might, of course!'
'Aren't you glad that worthless piece of shit is gone? You don't have to worry about anyone holding you to a high standard or about anyone looking up to you anymore.'
'Are you okay, Kacchan? You look hurt.'
Katsuki started to remember a time he thought Deku looked down on him, but in reality, it was just Izuku staying true to himself. A young hand reaching out to his in a creek - two young children, one with a head of orange and one with a head of green.
Katsuki did his best to focus on the push-ups instead, the strain of his muscles instead of the strain on his mind, his –
"KATSUKI!"
He turned to look at his now open door, seeing his mother standing above him.
"I've been calling you, why didn't you answer? We've got visitors for you." She sounded exasperated.
A sigh. Then a heaving of himself to his feet as he began to follow her down the stairs.
"Look sweetie, I'll be honest, I don't want them here but they're persistent. If you don't want to speak to them, I'll speak to them or get rid of them again."
"Who?"
"The media."
He grunted.
Following the days after the incident, the news was dominated by it. It was all they could seem to talk about.
There was an outpouring of support for Izuku – complete strangers being touched by his action without knowing anything about the boy, or those who admonished and bullied him in real life now acting distraught to end up on television, telling stories of how heroic he was and how much they miss him. The only believable part of their lies of compassion, remarked Bakugo, was how Deku actually did help them in the past.
He'd finally managed to get a full view of the event, as despite his best efforts, he could not get away from the news story. They pulled videos that citizens recorded with their phones, showcasing the damage, his hostage situation, and Deku's interference.
The sludge villain was one ugly motherfucker. It had the viscosity of treacle and was a drab and ugly brown. It even had a mouth and eyes. Katsuki saw why his explosions were ineffective against it – it was practically the height of the alleyway and dwarfed anyone on the scene (except for that giant hero who did nothing). Katsuki couldn't tell if he was impressed or even more disappointed that Izuku sprinted towards that ugly behemoth.
Overall, there were about half a dozen who were practically bystanders – the only active one was the hero putting out the fires, Katsuki decided to not bother remembering his name. Katsuki finally got his answer for why the heroes stood around doing nothing, as the media had the same question.
The hero commission published a response, saying how the heroes had incompatible quirks and didn't want to worsen the situation by risking damage to the hostage, but they would be launching an investigation into the hero's practices. This hardly proved enough for the media and the public when it was announced that Izuku was quirkless and he managed to save him when no one else could. Some even began to criticise All Might for failing to rescue them both, but Katsuki and many others thought that it was unfair to admonish the one who solved the situation the instant he arrived as opposed to the ones who were there from the start and achieved nothing.
Overall, it destroyed a lot of the goodwill the public had been accumulating toward heroes. An old Katsuki would be thrilled by that, as he would believe that the public should be waiting for a proper hero to come that would earn the respect of the public, rather than being just a toy for the media. But now, all he could feel was pressure.
In a cruel twist of fate, the media redirected this goodwill onto Katsuki.
The story of two "childhood friends", in each other's lives from birth, with one willing to throw his life away to save the other was adored by the public. Both wanting to be heroes, but now one would have to bear the legacy of them both. It garnered a sickening amount of sympathy, and he wanted none of it. He destroyed Izuku's school life because he thought he was looking down on him, and now the country had decided to do the same.
So, when he opened the door, and was met with cameras in his face and people clambering to him with questions, he opted to ignore them and stare into the first lens he saw.
"I am not weak. Don't look down on me. Don't you fucking dare treat me like some broken animal, because I will not let Izuku's death be in vain. I am going to be the best hero, or burn trying."
He slammed the door shut and felt his silent fury fall.
Sadly, for Katsuki, the public would now love him more.
After a week, his mother finally let him go back to school. He got his stubbornness from his mother, so he decided to not argue against it considering what he had gone through.
If you were to ask Katsuki though, he'd say he felt fine. Except for the voices, of course.
Throughout the day, he was approached by dozens of extras, chiming about they were glad to see him okay, et cetera. This was nothing unusual for him, he was the popular kid. Not because he liked these fuckers, but because he was the best. The worst part, though, started when someone told him: "I'm so glad it was Deku instead of you, I'm glad he finally realised whose life matters more!"
Now, this just ticked Katsuki off in the wrong way, and he wasn't sure why. Katsuki was the one who perpetuated this idea throughout the school, 'So why am I now holding this extra to a locker by the neck because he said it?'
After realizing what he was doing, he simply dropped the terrified extra and trudged away.
The comments kept coming. He gained a respite from them when homeroom class started.
His teacher didn't even acknowledge the incident or anything about Deku, just a brief "Good to have you back safe, Katsuki."
Katsuki, slouched in his chair, said nothing.
His teacher made comments about the state of the classroom, disappointed, as plants had been failed to be watered, posters weren't updated and books weren't handed out. "Why is no one doing them anymore? Who used to do it?"
The class ignored him, and the teacher shrugged. "Someone, I don't care who, start taking care of this place again."
Class continued as normal until the end.
"Okay kids, statistics is up next, but we've got something new for you today."
This garnered some attention from the kids who were chatting amongst each other and illegally using their quirks.
"Next up, you'll be analysing heroes rather than typical data sets."
Laughter fell from Katsuki's mouth. He began to sit straight and swivel around, sneering, and almost acting on instinct, began to mock: "Try not to salivate Deku, you fucking nerd-"
He found himself cutting himself short when he locked eyes with the empty desk behind him, as his laughing face fell into a flat stare. The cracking explosions that started to form in his hand that was held out threateningly fizzled out into smoke.
Some extra beside him remarked, "Oof, old habits die hard I guess," and Katsuki couldn't bring himself to look away from the chair.
He couldn't focus on class. Thoughts, again, bothered him the entire time.
'Why am I insulting Deku on instinct? What was I even mocking him for, liking to analyse heroes? You need to be smart for that, and I think most of the country likes heroes a bit too much so its not out of place.
God, have I really been treating him this badly the whole fucking time?'
Katsuki knew he was terrible to Deku, but it was justified in his mind. The boy didn't respect how difficult it was to be a hero. He didn't train physically. He didn't fight. He just preached ideals, that was all! He was just putting him in his place so that no other real heroes would have to! It was impossible for him to be a hero; Katsuki was just reality putting him in his place.
But he was proven wrong, he was well aware of that now.
His oh-so-special social hierarchy that he had defined in his mind, with him at the top and Deku at the bottom, was beginning to crumble without its foundation.
Katsuki could no longer use that excuse – he would've just threatened him in mockery for no real reason if he was here. And as he realized this, he remembered all the times he beat the boy, burnt him, ruined his social standings with everyone around him, just for existing. Just because Izuku wanted to be friends with him again.
Katsuki finally answered his question from the funeral – 'He doesn't value his life because of me.'
This answer would later make the voices return louder.
Katsuki felt terrible. Sick at the thought of ruining his life even when he was alive – he took the high road and put himself in a position to judge others that he never earned. Who was he to decide who and who couldn't be a hero?
He would glance around the classroom, to Izuku's old classmates, and he found himself to be the only who expressed any grief towards his death.
'Why did I ever think my life was more valuable then his? "I could save so many more people then he ever will?" My ass. Izuku has saved dozens of people before I've even helped one.'
Katsuki began to realise just how horrible of a person he was, and the severity of how he ruined Izuku's life.
'All of Izuku's selfish actions and perseverance and this is his recompense? A school who would instantly forget him, except for the bully who caused it?'
He decided he'd need a session of quirk training at the beach immediately after school.
Katsuki hated his new weakness. He was never one to mope either, so he threw himself into training. Working out for his body, and whenever he wanted to train his quirk, he'd once again go to Dagobah beach to destroy trash.
It was a great way to vent frustrations; it drowned out the voices too.
Now alone, Katsuki let tears fall as he worked his way through the piles of garbage.
"I never realised I was such a bad person!"
Explosion.
"I- I didn't mean to be… I'm a hero! I was meant to be a hero!"
Explosion.
"Not evil!"
Explosion.
"Fuck- what went wrong- oh G-" A squeak ripped from his throat as another tear fell.
Explosion.
Katsuki sobbed, "Why did my teachers, classmates, peers, all praise me for doing the wrong thing? Why do none of them care? Is it literally just because he's quirkless and I have the best quirk?!"
Katsuki heard a shout behind him. "Young man!"
His eyes widened fully in shock as his body tensed and stopped moving.
He spoke again: "What are you doing?"
He nearly turned around and shouted "Fuck does it matter to you?" on instinct but, unlike in school, this time he held his tongue. Technically, what he was doing was illegal due to unauthorised quirk usage in public, so as his mind whirred, he cleaned his eyes and began to turn around, his arms gesticulating around to show off the beach.
Katsuki began to perform. "Well, you see, this beach has been used as an illegal dumping site over the years and has accumulated a lot of trash! So- so you see, I figured I should clean it up, and what better way than to use my quirk! It helps a lot with the process, so please don't tell any-" Katsuki stopped as his eyes slowly trailed upwards and locked eyes with the same skeleton man that attended Izuku's funeral, currently hanging over the railing and looking at Katsuki with prideful eyes.
Katsuki mouth fell open as he watched the frail man vault the railing without any visible weakness, landing in front of him.
"Why are you talking to me? I still don't even know who you are."
"The name's Toshinori. And I wanted to tell you I'm proud of you." The man smiled.
"Huh?" Katsuki's response was brash and instant.
"You know, I was coming here because I was looking for a good place to train my future successor – a hero."
Katsuki looked at him stupidly, "Why don't you just take them to a gym?"
"Heroes nowadays only care about the flashy part of the job. It has to be convenient, easy, quick and it has to pay well. They've become disillusioned with the true origin of heroism."
Katsuki's stupid stare morphed into one of interest, listening with bated breath, "…which is?"
"Community service! To meddle with whatever is wrong with the world, whether you should be there or not, and whether you're rewarded or not – that is what being a true hero means! And I can see you're already well on that path, so well done, truly!"
The boy snapped back straight away. "No, you got it wrong. I'm no hero, trust me. Not yet."
"My boy, I can tell you are hurting. I will be blunt with you, I can see the trails of wiped tears on your cheeks, and I heard the end of your tirade to yourself."
Katsuki's rage re-emerged, blazing, as he began to rush towards Toshinori as he raised his hands. "You will tell nobo-".
Toshinori, firm and steady, halted him with a deceptively strong grip on his shoulders. "I will tell nobody. But I must tell you: your quirk does not matter. What matters is how you use it, and I can see you are clearly using it for good. In my eyes, you are already a hero." His smile was not as bright as All Might's, but Katsuki could feel the same gentle reassurance in it.
Katsuki's mouth felt dry. For the first time, he had used his quirk for good. He didn't even mean to. He could feel an impostor syndrome creeping into his psyche, but he held his tongue because he did not want this man going to the police.
Toshinori continued. "Well, I can see that you already have this place under control! If you are still cleaning this beach by the time I find my successor, I shall have to find another way to drill the discipline of heroism into them. Good luck, young…?"
"Katsuki."
"Katsuki. And do try to be more quiet, there's a lot of sticklers for the law round here, y'know?"
Toshinori began to walk away with a grin, leaving Katsuki to soak in everything he told him.
He shouted to him as he walked away: "Who even are you? I know a lot of heroes and have never seen a skeleton before."
The man roared in laughter.
The sun hung overhead as Katsuki was walking the large distance home from the beach, his hands aching with quirk exhaustion.
He trudged through the streets with hunched shoulders, mind whirring due to a combination of the voices and the words Toshinori told him. He couldn't bring himself to believe him, no matter how appealing those kind words were. He didn't feel like he was placating Katsuki or just saying it to say it, but he didn't know the full story.
Eventually, during his typically peaceful walk home, he noticed something unusual. He was passing a park, and saw a group of four kids. They were slightly older than Katsuki and they were wearing a different school uniform to his own. Three of them were surrounding a shorter one.
Katsuki was an expert on the subject of bullying, sadly, and could easily tell that by their antagonising gestures and expressions that they were tormenting the kid and was most likely about to make it physical. And the abused one wasn't making any attempt to defend himself or run, only looking sorry for himself as he closed in on himself.
"Weakling", Katsuki muttered, as he continued to walk past, not interested in the altercation – he's seen this situation enough before, both due to himself and others.
'A true hero saves everyone, regardless of who they are!'
Izuku's voice emerged again. Katsuki clenched his teeth and hands in fury, his knuckles turning white.
Katsuki instantly swivelled on the spot, and began to beeline straight towards the group, as he spat "Izuku, you bastard."
The boys didn't see him coming. He shoved the closest one to him from behind, announcing his presence. "The fuck is going on here?"
The group turned on him. The three stooges, taller and more unkempt than Katsuki, turned on him in anger which instantly mellowed out as soon as they spotted who it was. Katsuki noticed that the shorter, tormented boy had a look of hope enter his eyes.
One of the dishevelled boys spoke up – the tallest one. "Oh, hey you're that Katsuki kid aren't you? The explosion boy?"
Katsuki was furious that he instantly knew who he was as it was probably for the wrong reasons (the news, not his own accolades), but he supposed it made his job easier.
"Good. You know what I'm capable of, so I say this once. Fuck off and leave the kid alone."
The sleazy bastard put their hands up in mock fear. "Sorry bro, didn't mean to offend you! But I thought you were cool with this type of stuff?
You know this kid is quirkless, right?"
Katsuki could almost hear a pin drop.
He turned to look at the quirkless boy like a predator would look at its prey. That hope that entered his eyes quickly left, leaving them empty.
Katsuki began to grin and held up his hand, tightening it into a fist.
And then he used his body to pivot. He turned, gaining speed with his fist, as it swung backwards straight into the jaw of the bully. Knocking him straight to the floor, Katsuki crouched into a fighting stance, holding his hands to his sides as he let sparks dance across his palms.
"Scram, you fucking pussies!"
The explosions were a complete bluff, his hands were so tired that they couldn't even make a small pop. But, luckily for Katsuki, it worked and they abandoned their comrade without a second thought.
He took the opportunity to pounce upon the grounded boy, straddling him as he grabbed him by the neck with one hand. "You wanna tell me what I can and cannot do, huh? Wanna tell me I'm wrong again?" Katsuki swung at his nose with the other hand. And again. "Who the fuck do you think you are, holding your power over others?" And again. This time Katsuki heard a crack and the boy tried to fight back, but his hands were pinned by Katsuki's knees. "Listen to me-
"If you bully a quirkless kid, you'll regret it!"
Katsuki punched him one more time before getting off of him, kicking him once in the ribs. The boy could only moan in pain, and curled up without moving.
Katsuki staggered over to the quirkless boy, glaring at him with wide, feral eyes. He was frozen in place.
Grabbing him by the collar, Katsuki stared into his eyes and spat. "Man up. Kick him if you want, then leave."
With bloody hands, he walked.
Katsuki walked away from the boy, and for the first time since the sludge villain, his mind was calm and silent.
AN: if it seems like bakugo's development is happening too quickly, please remember what he was witnessed, and don't worry, (I think) I know what im doing. Hope you guys are enjoying bakugo's tug of war in his head!