A/N: Hi everyone! :) Loved seeing that the gang is all back together with my most recent upload. Thank you again for your patience and continued support. Sending you all all the best. Enjoy this chapter and see you at the A/N at the end!
Thirty-two.
It had been a full day since Alison and I had our conversation the night before, and I had been sought out thirty-two separate times throughout the day. Just in case. It's the agreement we had come to that morning: until we could find long-term moments for ourselves individually, we would seek each other instead. She said it simply while I was returning from a morning jog. My first attempt at taking care of myself again outside of our relationship.
She was sitting up in bed as I walked back into our bedroom, feeling oddly overheated despite wearing a neon yellow sports bra under a long-sleeved white shirt with yoga shorts underneath in Baltimore weather not yet above 50 degrees. Though I knew she was meaning to speak to the general room as I walked through, her eyes lingered over my torso enough to convince a chuckle out of me. To convince me that not all was lost even in her plea to not sleep together again until we garnered a more conclusive understanding of who we each were inside and outside of our relationship.
Alison didn't wait for my eye contact or recognition of her thought process before she began speaking; my presence was enough. "I was thinking that it may be a few weeks before I can see someone for the… anxiety." My eyes shifted to the right, not meeting hers though we both understood that what she was facing could not exactly be deemed as anxiety alone. "Before we can make that happen while Jake's going through this right now, maybe we can have a signal between us when I notice feeling tense or maybe a symptom of panic or anxiety?"
"What were you thinking?" I asked, looking over my shoulder while taking off my shirt and shorts in preparation for the shower. Her eyes made brief contact before flitting away.
She inhaled through her teeth, squeezing air tightly as though she had been considering a variety of different options. "In person? Maybe a hand squeeze? Over text? A code word or emoji or something? I think I need a way to track it, and I trust you."
"Of course, babe. Whatever system you need." I replied while slowly untangling my hair tie from its grasp on my long ponytail. It was hard to keep the smile from my lips as I turned to face her. She trusted me. It's not something I ever doubted, but it was a hell of a thing to hear. "Are you feeling alright this morning?"
"Would you accept depleted?"
Her honesty only made my smile broader while walking toward her. "Depleted feels accurate to me. But you know I'd accept anything as long as it was true to how you felt."
She reached out her hand silently as I approached, her mouth whispering a silent 'thank you'. "Also, I didn't get to tell you this last night, but I did enjoy listening to you talk about Jake's treatment and medications and everything. Not because I actually enjoy talking about it, but because it's so apparent how much you love your job. You get lost in everything for a bit, and I'm sure that's really comforting to you." Her thumb moved across the top of my hand gently. "I'm proud of you, Emmy."
"Me and my 'little system'?" I titled my head, egging her on for the words she flung at me in the middle of the night.
She bit her lip. "You're right; I deserve that. But yes, you and everything you're doing for the betterment of the world. Your career is thankless, and in my annoyance and frustration, I pitied it in attempts to make myself feel more whole. I'm sorry, and I'm proud of you."
"Thanks, baby." I whispered, kissing her forehead. "I didn't hold it against you no matter how it might have stung. Today is a new day, a new me."
Alison smiled sincerely up at me, "Ah. So that's what the work out's about?"
"Nothing too big. Just a run this morning. It's a habit I figured I'd pick back up now that the weather's starting to turn around."
Her hand wrapped around my waist delicately, "If it means I get to see you in this every morning…"
"Shut up. You could see me in less than this anytime you want." I pulled away from her hand in jest. "But you don't want, for now, so this is the best you get."
"No, no, no. You misunderstand me, Emmy." She smiled while lightly scratching against my stomach nervously. "I want. You know that. Don't try and fool yourself. I just think we have things to work out that will make our sex life far more fulfilled once we do."
"Even though you don't know exactly what it is we need to work out?"
She nodded, hoping that was enough of an answer. It was enough because she only ever sought connection. She never requested something extreme or uncalled for. We were rational beings hoping for rational things. So, if she felt a disconnect in our words or actions or motives, she was probably right. I had just neglected to build that catalogue while in my own mind storm.
"I know you're not fully content after yesterday, Em. But for as much as you can be, you look happy this morning. And that feels like a step in the right direction."
"We'll take what we can get, right?" I hooked my thumb in her fingers still lingering over the small divots where my abs were once far more pronounced.
"We will." She looked up at me smiling, leading to me leaning down for a short kiss, knowing she may pull away. She didn't though, placing her left hand against my cheek to keep our hold even a few seconds longer than first intended. "You always are beautiful, but I love the little rouge on your cheeks from your run."
"Thank you, baby." I repeated for the second time that morning. Alison had a way of being the morning after an argument, as though in a constant state of repair despite me having already put it past us. "But I do need to walk away to keep my promise from last night to you…" I kissed once more against her temple before turning for the bathroom. "So, you're going for hand squeeze today, then?"
"If that works best for you?"
Resting my palm against the door jamb, I stared toward her lovingly, "You feeling seen and comforted today is what works best for me. If you are able to fall asleep in my arms tonight, that's a win in my book, my love."
She bit her lip while tilting her head to the right. Alison had been correct, and I could feel it in the room. There was something profound in taking care of our relationship by taking care of ourselves. She wasn't pulling away. In fact, more than weeks prior, Alison's goal was to become stronger through the use of our already strong relationship. In us trusting that building ourselves up was bound to bring us closer, it only further solidified our trust in our relationship in the first place. Because sometimes the strongest thing you can do is let go, knowing that in the free fall all you will seek is support from the other. All you will want is that stability again. All you want in that release is reunion.
"And just so you don't get any wacky ideas in your head, A. Me walking away right now has nothing to do with my desire, and everything to do with your irresistibility. Love you."
I whispered my last sentence along with a short wink that made Alison burst out laughing at its cheesiness. If we were going to commit to even a short period of time apart, I was going to have fun with it. All I needed to do was expand my purview and understanding that taking care of me, was taking care of her, was taking care of Jacob. And today that meant being there for Alison as she attempted to navigate her innate fears face forward with me by her side.
That's how we got to thirty-two. In the course of the ten hours we were at the hospital –
from the time visiting hours opened to us leaving that evening – Alison squeezed my hand thirty-two separate times. I didn't ask for the connection or the symptoms or the reason why, but it both warmed and broke my heart to realize this was an ever-present constant in a world that wouldn't give her a fucking break. And those were just the times she felt comfortable doing it. The times she recognized and felt vulnerable and capable enough to either reach me or seek me out. It was on the way home that I realized the figure could easily be doubled depending on what Alison was identifying as a moment of need or stressor or trigger. That her identification would never take into account the times so suddenly severe that she completely shut down. Or the subtlety of every single potential symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. But thirty-two is where we were starting, and I was grateful to have been trusted and needed each of those times.
As previously mentioned, the three of us arrived the moment visiting hours opened at 9 am, parading into Jacob's room as though it had been decades since we last saw him. Covered in medical gowns, masks, and gloves, we entered his room part way through his transfusion. Jake was sitting up and using a coloring book found by a nurse when we walked in and turned his head suddenly at the sound of our voices down the hallway. His little feet kicked under the blanket folded at the end of bed as I watched Alison and Carter approach him happily. Standing by the door to his room, I stood back to take in their glow. Even with the less than four hours of sleep Alison and I each got and Carter sleeping in a different bed than usual while spending the night in Jacob's room, their exhaustion dissipated in the midst of their son. Jacob spoke rapidly to his parents telling them every aspect of the night before, trying to describe detailed scans with his more limited vocabulary. While glancing at the three of them, I noticed Alison's hand tap against her right thigh before she quickly looked over her shoulder to extend her hand to the door.
I quickly walked toward her, connecting our hands as she pulled them against her back before squeezing my hand tightly. My left hand rested on her other hip while leaning down to kiss her shoulder. "Hi, Bug." I whispered during a moment of pause in his never-ending oration.
"Hi, E! You and Daddy said all of dis be scawy, but I had so much fun! I got ice cweam and bideo game breaks and – "
Alison's hand raised briefly, "Sweetheart, take a breath for us. We have all day, and we want to hear absolutely everything, but we are going to run out if you keep talking a mile a minute."
Jacob nodded his head before turning back to me. "Later today, can I splain where my blood is going to you, Emlee? The nuwses talk to me all bout it when I woked up aday."
"I would love to hear it." Alison squeezed my hand again. Fear in him knowing. Fear of him understanding the potential severity. Fear of maybe her son comprehending the process more than she believed she could. After replying, I turned to whisper into Alison's ear. "I'm going to go get an update from the doctors and nurses before they come in to debrief, if that's okay."
"Of course, it is. Come get me if it's important."
"Will do." I kissed her temple. "Love you."
Due to the semi-private section of the hospital we were in, between two rooms on one side of the hallway was a small nurse's quarter as one main nurse was assigned to two patients. The room included individual schedules, cameras to monitor progress, and computers tracking data with near immediacy. Knocking on the door to the main nurse's quarters, while additional staff was already in Jacob's room, I heard a brief reply before entering.
"Hi, there. My name is – "
"Emily Fields." The nurse in purple scrubs stood up swiftly. She reached for her wrist to put her long red hair up in a tight ponytail before extending her hand forward. "Of course, I know who you are. Not only as one of Jacob's listed guardians, but I'm currently in medical school and your and Dr. Onyeke's study is one of my current biggest fascinations. It's an honor, frankly."
I laughed while shaking her hand in return. "Pleasure to meet you as well…"
"Cameron. So sorry, my name is Cameron." She pointed back toward the door I had recently opened with her name printed on the whiteboard. "How can I help you? Does Jacob need anything that Dee couldn't get for you all?"
"No, not at all. The three of us just came in for the day, and I was looking for an update or anything about how last night went. I know that everything was last minute, so I'd love to hear what all needed to be accomplished to squeeze this through insurance."
Cameron looked around the room for the notes file kept by the nurse the night before. "Fully understood. Would you care to sit next to me? I can pull up imaging and everything as needed."
"That would be great. Thanks so much." Pulling the chair in the corner up to her desk, Cameron opened the file to talk through the previous evening's notes. "So, I came in at 4 am in order to start the transfusion, and since I've been here, he's been doing great thus far. He ate before the transfusion. All his vitals have been consistent and unalarming. As he's been a patient here for so long, we had a lot of the needed pre-cursors from the past year which are considered within timeline for insurance purposes." She spoke quickly but concisely, pointing to every data point as she went along the timeline for the evening. Her understanding was incredibly impressive for someone at her level. "We conducted new urine tests as well as an updated chest x-ray, CT and MRI scan. All the other data within this file and compiled on the program in front of us comes from his appointments in June and December other than the bone marrow biopsy which, as you know, takes more than 24 hours to get scheduled. With his current tumors and blood work though – "
"Cancer in the marrow is highly unlikely." I nodded, pulling the file closer to me to review all the data I could. Cameron was correct. Other than the anemic spike in his blood work and of course, his remaining tumors, Jacob appeared incredibly healthy for his age and size. "This all looks good. Do you have any ideas about what his plan over the course of the next 24 hours will be?"
She scrolled through the doctor's notes in front of me attempting to find a potential answer. "We'll have to confirm with the doctor on duty but based on what I typically see during these transfusions, due to his age and previous medical history, an additional night in the hospital might be recommended."
"Because of adverse reactions… I understand. Does it potentially alter the recommendations knowing that I plan to be at the home until heading to work Friday morning?"
"I can definitely document it, Dr. Fields." Cameron typed quickly before gathering the folder to double check the written notes to the typed ones. "While I have you here, I honestly have to applaud you. You have made such a name for yourself so young. As someone in her twenties, it's so inspiring to see as someone who loves the field."
"Well, thank you. That means a lot."
She looked around nervously as I stood to walk toward the door, obviously wanting to say more. "I would have been upset at myself all day if I hadn't said something. Also, please tell me if this is too far, but would it be possible to potentially get your number? I'm working toward a similar degree as you and if I had any questions, I thought maybe – "
"You're fine, Cameron. I'd love to be able to assist, but how about my email address instead? I'd love to help another woman get her foot in the door. Oncology as you get higher up can be incredibly male-dominated." I reached forward to write on a post-it while speaking. "Let me know how I can assist should you have questions."
Her smile radiated through the small room. "I appreciate it so much. I'd love to talk about the particulars of your study sometime. But I understand, email it is." She tapped the post-it in confirmation as we both walked back into Jacob's room.
Alison outstretched her hand the moment she saw me. I walked over, wrapping my arms around her waist and rocking her sweetly back and forth. She briefly squealed as I tightened my grasp, kissing her at the intersection of her neck and shoulder. Scratching my forearm lightly, she then squeezed my arm five times.
"Five more?" I whispered, lacing my fingers through both of her hands.
She spun slightly toward me. "You've made him feel so confident about medical stuff that he's going on and on about things I don't fully want him to talk about." She tapped against the back of my hand, knowing that I had created a so-called monster in Alison's eyes.
I apologized quietly before turning back to Carter and Jacob as they spoke. "And Daddy, the sheen was beeping all awound me, but they put on music for me so I not care that it was – " He stopped, imitating the beeping of the CT machine. "It made a circle awound me for a long time, but I stay bewy bwave, I promise." He paused once more. "Oh! You also be pwoud of when they put in this sheen in aday. Not this nuwse but wast night's nuwse had twuble to find this." He pointed at his transfusion point while staring up at me.
"Your vein."
"Yes, vein! But Emlee teached me bout bwuises and so I not scawed. That's good, right Mommy?"
"Right…" Alison's voice trailed, looking back up at me and rolling her eyes. Jacob's voice drowning us both out as he continued rapid fire speaking about the night before. "Thank you for your help but no, thank you, Emily." She fell back into me while pulling my arms further around her waist.
"I love you too, Ali." I mumbled into her ear as we both stood lovingly. Both of us just happy to back by Jacob's side.
About an hour into our visit, I felt my phone vibrating in my left pocket. Looking at the screen, I noticed that the number listed wasn't a traditional Baltimore area code; I had those memorized by now. Mimicking the hand squeezes Alison had been giving to me throughout the day, I tightened my grip to interrupt the ongoing conversation to excuse myself to the hallway.
Running my fingers through my hair, I answered the phone positively, "This is Emily."
"Emily!" Their voice announced at the same time as I replied, "Who is this?"
"Dr. Fields, it's Kenneth. Ken DiLaurentis." His voice trailed waiting for a reply.
"Hi, Ken." My body turned back toward Jake's room. "Was Alison not answering her phone? I'm sorry, I didn't even know that you had my number."
"No! I got it from Dr. King. I hope that's alright." It wasn't alright, but here we were. "I was calling to speak to you, pick your brain."
"I'm actually here visiting your grandson right now, so it would be better if you could call ba –"
"Emily, Emily. I promise it won't take long. I'll be sure to not take you away from your day too long."
I audibly sighed, sinking into a chair in the hallway. Not wanting to make a poor impression on someone I foresaw as family someday. "I'd appreciate that. How can I help?"
"Well, I was sitting here at work today wondering how everything went with the proposal I sent through yesterday. I assume if you're visiting that it all went through alright."
My voice caught in my throat, now noting the strange undercurrents in his tone. Carter and I had known that Alison and her dad had gotten into it over the phone yesterday. But up until now, she hadn't specified much of anything about it, other than both Carter and Alison believing that he was 'continuing to meddle'. It also bothered me that we were over a minute into the conversation, and he had yet to say anyone's name other than my own. Not Jacob's despite him being the one in whose medical treatment he was discussing. Not Carter's despite their relationship obviously being tenuous, which I was sure this conversation wouldn't help to mend. And not Alison's despite her being his only daughter. Despite her emotions obviously being important to the context of this conversation.
"Ken, I hate to be this person, but I honestly don't feel comfortable speaking to you about this without either of Jacob's parents present."
"From everything Alison's told me, you're considered a parent as well. Is that incorrect? Does she see things differently than her own girlfriend?"
Fuck. I muttered in my head realizing that I was now stuck in a strange and uncomfortable place between these two worlds. The world of my family and the world of my job. Without much digging, it would be fairly easy to equate Alison's father as something of a boss to me. I mean, he had donated close to $5 million over the past few years directly to Pediatric Oncology. Money that had then been used to improve our labs from Emmanuel's knowledge. And with the further sinking in my gut, I stuck my body halfway into Jacob's room and waved for Alison to come out into the hallway before walking into a private meeting room just down the hall.
As Alison entered, I held up one finger to tell her to remain quiet, while I continued speaking, "– but also, Ken, when you get right down to it, it would still violate HIPPA for me to discuss anything about Jake without his parents present."
"Then no particulars if you're gonna be such a stickler about it."
"It's not being a stickler. It's a Code of Ethics and the medical care of your grandson."
Though his voice appeared irritated, he attempted to not show it. "Moving on to the broad strokes then, Dr. Fields." The use of my professional name made me shudder, as if being told to 'shut up' and focus on the job and my field, not his 8-year-old grandson 50 feet away. "As I mentioned, I spoke to Dr. King yesterday, and he confirmed his general belief in Adaptive Cell Therapy. How do you feel about it?"
"Feel about it?" I looked up at Alison confused though she gestured me forward, "It's a great advancement for leukemia and multiple cancers across the board, but I would hope that you also know its lack of expressed positive impact in medulloblastomas across the literature. It's shown some impact but nowhere near the level of leukemia. So, I feel great about generally."
"Generally." He repeated, both of us knowing what was missing in my words. "So, what would you have recommended based on the results you saw yesterday?"
Alison leaned forward placing a kiss on my upper arm, her silent permission to continue. "No matter the patient, a blood transfusion would have been fully necessary."
"And that's going well?"
"As is with most pediatric blood transfusions, the impacts are not made known until 12-24 hours after the transfusion."
"You're good, Dr. Fields. Harder to crack than my daughter, that's for sure." He sighed. "Fiery, that one." His pause extended across the line. "I take it she discussed our phone call yesterday with you."
"She did not. We had quite a few other health concerns on our hands yesterday."
Ken's chuckle unsettled me further as he announced, "You know how much of that I took on for you all though! It wasn't yours to take on after that."
"I'm going to have to correct you there, Ken. Even if you came in here and did the whole transfusion on your own, the weight of this should extend to Philadelphia. I know that for sure."
"Oh yes, of course. Jessica and I feel just terrible about all that's going on. As I was explaining to Ali though yesterday, the impact of this relatively unused treatment might do wonders after his recovery." Her hand tightened on my thigh. This is what had gotten her enraged the day before though I wasn't fully following.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well hopefully you know, Emily –" I was Emily again now. Noted. "Adaptive Cell Therapy is only used in a few of big cancer hospitals around the nation for his type of cancer. So, if this is successful, it would mean a lot for our continued progress toward curing all this stuff."
"You're talking continued progress toward gaining money to donate to this hospital?"
"Precisely."
Ah, I got it. Alison had mentioned this once before. How anything involving Jacob was used to curate a story for her father. To further a motive that – no matter how genuine it appeared – was being used for personal and monetary gain.
"Is that why you can't say Jake's name, Ken? Guilt for funding and pressuring a more experimental method for potentially curing your grandson's cancer in order to maybe have a better success story to tell at future fundraising events?" My throat felt heavy at the words I had just spoken, knowing that he was bound to be irritated.
"So you have spoken to Alison?"
"I haven't, Ken, but I will be frank with you, she is sitting next to me right now. Like I mentioned at the start of this conversation, I was completely uncomfortable with this continuing without the presence of at least one of Jake's parents."
"Well, I'm happy that you at least have her well enough trained to stay quiet during a conversation meant for the professionals." He was looking for a reaction, and I felt every muscle in Alison's body tighten.
I laughed. "Holy shit. I cannot believe those words just left your mouth. I'm going to let you go now, Ken."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. I'm not going to pursue a conversation where you're going to insult and devalue your daughter in the care and protection of your only grandchild. That's putting it kindly while also leaving out the fact that I wholly and unabashedly love the woman you just put down." I chortled, recalling his words. "I would love it if you would never call this number again without texting me first to set up a time."
"Text you first?"
"Yes, please. I'll be sure to do the same in return, Ken. Have a great week!" I smiled through my last words before allowing my face to drop as I reached for the backs of Alison's knees. "Fuck that guy." I smirked while pulling her forward toward me, placing my lips gently on her forehead before pulling away. "I do not see how you have willingly put up with him for so long." Alison rolled her eyes in attempts to hold back tears. "Hey, hey, hey. Baby, you're alright. I've got you, okay? I'm right here. His words mean nothing to me, Ali."
"No, I know. It's just hard to hear him talk to you that way now too. He usually tries to act so professional with you. I wanted to save you from that for as long as possible, you know?"
"Thank you, love. But don't worry about it." I pushed her bangs from her face so she could continue looking up at me. "It's the rest of our lives, right? I was going to bump into this side of him at some point over the next hundred years."
"Hundred years?" She smiled, the light hitting off her eyes and tears perfectly.
"Give or take." Kissing her briefly, I felt her appreciation melt into me. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Alison sighed while standing, "You did that well, by the way. Holding your own while still sticking up for me." She looked over her shoulder, winking as she spoke. "It was actually one of the most attractive things I've ever seen you do. Where did you learn to maneuver experts in spouting bullshit like that?"
I scoffed. "You'll know the moment you ever have a conversation with one Ashton Miller…"
My words lingered in the air as we both traversed the now busy hallway back to Jake's room. Alison had only really heard the good stories when it came to memories of Ash and I before the whole abandoning me incident. She hadn't yet been privy to the nonsense she could spout or the vitriol that dripped from her words on occasion. I hoped Alison would never have to know.
Carter, Alison, and I sat down at lunch early that afternoon with Carter still ranting as we approached the table.
"Is it even legal for him to have gotten your number that way, Emily? Fuck the pretense he got it under, it's absolute bullshit that he is capable of calling without you having the forewarning."
"I have his number saved now, Carter, and I gave him that boundary."
Carter laughed at my retort. "Kenneth DiLaurentis? Boundary?" He pointed at me while speaking toward Alison. "You really haven't told her shit, have you?"
Alison shrugged. "She knows what she's needed to know up until now. I saw her on the phone today and had she known more, I don't know if she would've had the same composure. He fucking sucks; we all know this. But Car, we also know that he will pay for anything medical treatment wise for Jacob until the end of time. I can hate his words and actions, but I can't ostracize him like you have. It's not going to happen on my side." She knew how to shut her ex down, that's for sure. From the moment she finished speaking, Carter immediately began to backpedal. Her opinion on her father stood firm no matter where anyone else's lie.
"Al, of course I get that. I'd never ask you to do that. The past few days though, I can just feel him weaseling his way back into trying to make decisions for us. Last time, maybe it was helpful to have his voice from time to time, but we have it now. We are together." He paused, ensuring to look up at me, as well. "The three of us have it. So, he can fuck off."
I could tell that Alison was holding back while taking another bite of her food. It was as though she respected and understood Carter's point while simultaneously barely feeling the same at all. She reacted passively, nodding every now and then but without much emotion reaching her face.
After chewing her most recent bite, she spoke again, "Carter, not to be an ass, but speaking of fucking off? Could you?" She swept away with one hand. "I'd love to clarify some things for Em, and we're working on this new honesty policy. I don't know. I'd just love to be able to do it with the two of us."
He nodded quickly, collecting his food. While standing, he walked around the table placing a short kiss against the top of each of our heads. "Love you two. I'll see you both back upstairs."
"He surprises me constantly, Ali." I laughed while blushing into my palm. "He's so protective and defensive of all of us now."
"We have to find him a girl, quick." Alison smiled, reaching for my hand. "I kid, but the two of you will really never know how much it means that we're all somehow on the same team now."
"It's fucked up to think about, but this would've taken a lot longer without me learning about those tumors in December. It put us all on equal footing again, and I think helped him see my actual intentions and motivations. Before then, it could've been taken as mostly talk or conjecture. We understand each other now, and we love the same people. That makes it easy."
"You're such a sap, Emmy." She tilted against my shoulder, tightening her hold around my hand as she continued. "You asked me earlier, or I guess stated earlier, that you had no idea how I could put up with my dad for so long. And with how little each of us really know about how the other grew up beyond the basics, I wanted to fill you in now that you've asked. I'm a big believer in that you learn about how you should be treated by how you are treated growing up. And it's hard to find a better word, but I think my brother and I were treated as a commodity, or a resource when I was younger."
"At the work dinner, Aria told me a story about your father and grandfathers previous work and the pressure they put upon you and Jason to entertain or sell at parties which has made you both excellent party guests but is pretty fucked as a whole."
She nodded. "I never saw it that way as a kid, but yeah. I think I felt used a lot of the time, as though his love for me might be transactional. Anyways, that was never the point of this. The reason I've been able to put up with him is because of Carter. As my longest friend, in our relationship, he undid a lot of that mindset. Put in the work to make sure that I was loved first, and it helped me give new appreciation for the relationship I have with my parents. It's surface level, and it's harsh because they have a very limited understanding of who I am. But his use of the word 'trained' earlier, as terrible as it is, it's what my dad knows of me around him. And right now, I am. Because Jacob's health is more important and saying yes 70 percent of the time is easier than the fight. It's easier than the conversation we had yesterday where I was trampled and defeated and dug deep to find a way to blame someone – namely you – because of your ability to be there unconditionally. I apologized to you this morning, but I must do it again. I wasn't wrong for it, but it came from the wrong place."
"And it came from your conversation with him yesterday?"
She leaned back, crossing her legs while still holding my hand. More defensive now of the story she was about to tell. "I mean, he basically told you the same over the phone today. But he was trying to blow smoke up his own ass about having the ability to make this cell therapy stuff happen, and when I said that I wanted to consult you, he told me to 'think of the story'." Her lips pursed as she looked up to the right to combat tears once again. It devastated her to maintain any form of relationship when her son was relegated to a story. I gave her time to take a sip of water before continuing. "Which is also fucked up that yesterday he was upset about you potentially being consulted and then he searched for your number today to what? Consult you?"
"From all you've told me, it seems like maybe he wanted to see what you had told me. With the label I hold, maybe my opinion of him felt like something he needed to hear hadn't been tainted."
"Sucks for him then. Your opinion wasn't tainted until he stuck his own foot in it."
"Forget your dad today though, tell me more. About the whole learning to be loved thing with Carter."
I relished in hearing about her life. In the details she believed I was important enough to carry and know. I felt privileged in the fact that Alison had ever told me anything at all. Any insight into her: knowing her, loving her, caring for her. I would embrace it with every fiber of myself for as long as she would allow me to be present.
"Sure." She sighed before turning her body toward mine and leaning back against the chair. "I guess maybe it's difficult to understand when you have a pretty healthy relationship with your parents?" I nodded in reply. "It's not that I didn't learn some great things about love from my parents, but when it comes to how I deserve to be treated? I didn't learn many great things. I learned that attention was earned, not granted. That love is gained when you complete a task or a favor…" Her voice dropped off in a way that gave me some unsavory insight into her relationships before Carter. She immediately raised the back of my hand to kiss it, to reassure me she was okay. "It allowed me to be used by friends or otherwise. But in a way that I expected it? I don't know. In high school especially, I remember not being hurt by it. It felt normal even when Carter would attempt to assure me it wasn't." A faint smile traced her lips as she waltzed through the memory of their early days. "I didn't believe him though until college when I saw him in his first big relationship. I saw the way he held her, like she was precious to him. And I realized that I had never been beholden in someone else's eyes before. That no one had ever looked at me and seen into me, or no one had wanted to. That changed with my second girlfriend, the one right before Carter."
"And her name was?" I could tell by her smile that she was safe for me to ask about.
"Isabel…" Her eyes fluttered downward, slightly blushing as she said her name. "When I look back on everything, I think she's the first person I allowed to actually love me. I don't know if I can say I loved her the same in return, but I can easily say that I saw her love for me in her eyes. That when she held me, it meant something to her. But learning how I deserved to be loved? That was Carter." I loved hearing her speak about the people that made her her. Those who held her hand and walked her into my arms. The people who kept her safe until it was time for us. She bit her lip while continuing, "I believe I've told you this before, but I've broken up with everyone I've ever dated. I used to see an issue on the horizon and would abandon ship instead of facing it head on. I guess Carter broke that streak with our divorce papers, but he additionally would have never let me be the one to leave." She laughed leaning forward into her lap. "I would tell him that I thought we should break up over usually something incredibly stupid, and he wouldn't let me. I remember trying to walk away from him once while we were arguing, and he reached out to hold onto my wrist…" Alison duplicated the action on my own wrist, wrapping her thumb and forefinger around it. "And he just said, 'Our relationship is deserving of us talking this out. Whether it's now or later, I'm deserving of it, and you are too.' It was the first time I ever took a step back to actually consider what I was deserving of from a partner."
"How old were you?"
"Almost 22." The silence fell over us. It hadn't even been 10 years. Deprived of love she was deserving of for potentially more than half of her life. "But I got there." She interrupted my thoughts, not wanting me to belabor that point in my mind.
"What'd you learn from Isabel then? I can tell she made you happy too." Despite wanting to hear the answer, I immediately began cleaning up our empty dishes to consolidate them onto one tray. Not wanting to appear too eager or too disconnected from learning about her past.
"Hmm… I don't know if I've ever thought about it. I guess the differences between being in a relationship with a man versus a woman. I dated another girl before her, but it wasn't much more than skin deep." She was uncomfortable discussing her. I could tell by the way she hesitantly leaned forward to kiss me, shaking her head as she pulled away. "Isabel did teach me about how to comfortably come out and how to actually acknowledge and embrace my bisexuality."
I scooted forward to kiss her again as she shrugged, "Then she sounds like the perfect person for you during that time, sweetheart. I'm happy you had someone who took you through that. I've met quite a few people who had to wade through discovering and accepting their sexuality alone. It's always sounded isolating, so it makes me happy to know that Isabel took the time to walk you to the other side."
"That's a good way to look at it, I guess. I've always considered myself cruel for taking so much of her time for my own emotional gain, only to break her heart in the end."
Shaking my head, I replied, "Sure, that could be true. But think about how she might see you instead. For as much as she shaped you, you shaped her. Maybe showing you the ropes taught her some deeper things about herself."
"Doubtful…"
"Fine." I muttered, smirking at the edges of my grin. "Maybe she only talks about how fucked up you were to her." Alison looked up gasping. "What? If it's doubtful she's out here talking about you positively, that could be an alternative."
She swatted my arm, realizing how destructive her own words sounded, "She wouldn't say that…"
"Then don't say it about yourself, Ali." I kissed her forehead. "I really kind of fucking love the girl you just put down."
"Okay, I'm sorry." She squeezed my hand though I was unsure if it was in anxiousness of us starting to head back to Jacob's room or in sincere apology.
"I'm going to go throw our trash away, but you know that I'm not who you need to apologize to. I love you. Love yourself for me, too."
Her last hand squeeze of the day came as we were leaving the parking lot that evening. Alison was in the passenger's seat with her chin delicately placed on the tips of her right hand while looking out toward the fourth floor. With her left arm outstretched, she squeezed my forearm tightly before looking down toward the door panel.
"It's one more night, Ali. Carter is there. Jake is happy."
"No, I know. It never gets easier though. I remember that from last time…"
Alison's voice trailed off until she was staring through the windshield as though frozen. Her fingers still digging into my arm. Her eyes still unblinking.
My heart broke for her while reaching across my chest with my left arm in attempts to pry her fingers from the semi-permanent indentations they were leaving behind. Tucking my thumb into her palm between her thumb and pointer finger, I held her hand there until we reached a stop light a few moments later. I leaned forward, raising my arm and kissing the top of her hand gently. Keeping my left hand on hers, I reached toward her with my other, vaguely tracing her jaw with my thumb.
"You remember what from last time, beautiful?"
Seeing us now intertwined, she shook her head out before realizing her continued grip on my arm. "Oh, I'm sorry." It came out as a whisper.
"My arm is fine. Don't worry about me." Alison tucked her chin into my hand as her eyes attempted to not fill up with tears. "Are you alright?"
She nodded, raising a finger to the right to signal the light turning green. I let her hand and face go, allowing them to relax back on the steering wheel and between us. But just moments after our relative separation, Alison reached for my hand once more. No squeeze this time. Instead, this hand hold came in the form of a silent 'thank you'.
"I remember last time Jake was in the hospital, when he was four that is. It was trickier because there was really only the two of us switching off back and forth. And on my off days, despite only having a brief amount of time to sleep, shower, and attempt to keep the rest of our lives in order, sometimes I'd sleep in the parking lot. Sometimes I'd run to get dinner and come back to eat on the bench that was outside of his window on the west side of the building. Sometimes – sometimes I would sit in our car with no intention of leaving in the first place. Because it always felt like I was deserting him. Even though he was always fine, the feeling of abandonment never left. It never gets easier… the feeling that I'm leaving him behind."
I kissed her thumb once more. "The good thing is that we don't have to come back here for a bit. Carter will bring him home first thing tomorrow morning after they monitor him overnight, and then, we're free from this place until the end of the month."
"You say that as if you don't have work later this week."
"Like I said, don't worry about me. Friday and Saturday will work themselves out." I exhaled. "It's a different building, different role to play. It's – it's different."
Alison easily called my bluff. "Whatever you say, Emmy." She turned her body 90 degrees to face me. "You know, regardless of what you ask of me, I'll always worry about you. I hope you know that."
I exhaled again, biting my lip in hopes of not having to be seen in any form of vulnerability while being tasked with Alison's overwhelming anxiety throughout the day. My nod came out desperate enough that Alison immediately spoke up.
"Let's have a date night tonight, okay? Let's order in something we both love. Thai? Italian? Take full advantage of having the house to ourselves."
I jokingly rolled my eyes, smiling endearingly at her suggestion, "Oh yeah, nothing like taking full advantage of an empty house the day after you proposed our descent into abstinence."
Alison cackled, throwing her head back against the headrest as I adjusted the car in our driveway. She leaned across the center console the moment the car was in park to place my face in her palms. "You're so fucking cute. And to be fair, we're kind of pros in the remote romance department with how we split our time before I moved in, Emmy."
"We are pros." I whispered before she placed a simple yet leading kiss against my lips. "It was a joke, by the way. I'm invested in building us back up again, Ali. All I want is to spend time with you, however that looks."
"I know, babe. I have faith in us though. Tonight will be hard without J here again, but a remarkable night with you will more than suffice." Her eyes fluttered softly as she pressed a kiss to the bridge of my nose. "I love you, Emmy."
"Love you too. If you put in the order at Signore's, I'll go pick it up for us. All I ask for is a tiramisu."
If Alison requested remote romance, remote romance is what she would get. I left for our food a few minutes early so that I could run by the store for a bouquet of roses and her favorite Cabernet. After dropping off our food in the kitchen, I muttered back that I had to go grab one more bag from the car to scoop up my gifts. Butterflies hit my stomach the moment I turned to walk back into the house. At this point, I was starting to think that Alison would always make me nervous. That the anticipation of her smirk and the way her lips pulled slightly upward and to the left would forever be the best reward.
While opening the door, I heard her calling from the kitchen, "I double-checked the order! Everything was in those two bags you brought in, Em!"
Walking through the dining room, I appeared in front of her setting all the food out around the sink, "I figured I'd be a little more intentional tonight for you though."
Alison laughed incredulously as I set the flowers and wine down on the dining room table. "How did you – where was the time?" She wiped her hand off on a dish towel before walking around the corner of the countertop toward me. "You are something else."
Her arms draped over my neck, linking together while leaning back to look up at me. And in my head, I counted down – three. two. one. – and then immediately blushed as she smirked. "It would be wrong of me to deny Signore's tiramisu by not having the Cabernet we love with it, right?"
Her smirk continued with my teasing, "Oh? This was all for the tiramisu, was it?" I nodded as she leaned into me, her fingers lingering against the hair on the back of my neck. "That tiramisu must really be something special to you then."
My right palm landed flush against her torso while pulling her closer. I paused moments from our lips meeting, looking Alison directly in the eye, "You're something special, indeed." She hummed into our kiss, allowing me to take relative control. I urged us forward slowly, outreaching my left hand to hold the table, stabilizing us as Alison further pressed herself against me to adjust for our small height difference. Not wanting to test any potential invisible boundary this early in the evening, I tightened my hand around the small of her waist. Alison pulled away slightly, taking a breath with her forehead pressed against mine before delicately kissing me again. It would be so easy to lose myself in her. So easy to let go after the hellacious week we had. But Alison's short whimpers were enough. Her brief gasps of air during the short seconds we pulled away to check in with one another. The way she exhaled my name as we finally pulled away.
"So, we're both sure about this?" I whispered against her ear, kissing her cheek repeatedly. "Because I'm still okay with it if you are, but if at any point you want to reconsid – "
"Emily…"
I took a step back while her hands remained linked around my neck. "Right, right. Same page. Totally same page." Alison smacked my shoulder before falling against it tenderly. "You know, I was actually thinking on the way home. If we're looking to reconnect, like truly reconnect, there have been some studies recently coming out of Harvard Medical School."
"Mm-hmm. I love when you talk nerdy to me, Dr. Fields." She turned her back to the table, gently lifting herself on top of it, opening her legs just enough for me to usher my way through. "Please continue." She urged me forward, tracing her hands along both sides of my upper thighs.
Mine reciprocated the act, placing pressure on top of her legs as I inched closer, "And Harvard Medical School has found a direct link between our traditional neural pathways, our five senses, and falling in love. Essentially, our frontal lobe –" I reached my hand forward to outline her forehead, attempting to assuage her confusion. "– is the main conduit of our sensory memories. It connects our senses to the most powerful emotions the human body can feel: happiness, anger, fear, surprise, and love. So, if you're looking for us to reconnect, I think we should focus on…" I paused again, bringing myself as close to Alison's body as I could before leaning into her ear.
"Sound."
I whispered, nipping at her earlobe.
"Touch."
I pushed forward, grinding gently against her, eliciting a moan.
"Smell."
A press of my lips against her nose gave way to her entangling her hand in my hair.
"Sight."
I kissed once more against her temple before bending forward toward her neck.
"And taste."
Lastly, placing my mouth against the base of her neck, I kissed gently upward toward her ear, her groan motivating me more than she could even realize, before I whispered once more.
"And maybe after an exploration of all five, you'll feel reconnected enough to proceed." Alison's hand tightened against my scalp. "At least, that's what science seems to think."
"Fuck, me." She mumbled, both palms moving to my hips before pushing me away. Her eyes were dilated. Her pulse rushed against her neck. Her breath ragged. "I – fuck – I mean if – if science says it…" Alison rested a closed fist against my sternum. "… who are we to say no?"
As she leaned forward to kiss me again, I turned my head to the right, denying her progress. "My thought exactly, but isn't our food getting cold?"
Alison's voice fell to a grumble. "Emily…"
"Tonight, I was thinking maybe we tackle two of them? Sight and sound?" I kissed her cheek before walking away, wanting her to feel thoroughly aroused before letting her go. "Think about it, baby."
Alison shot daggers at me throughout dinner. I was unable to track if they were out of anger or intrigue, but she couldn't keep her eyes off me. Throughout our Caesar salads or spaghetti and meatballs or even the tiramisu, Alison remained engaged and present and eyes locked directly on mine. My faint idea of a plan had worked a little too well.
Lifting my glass for the last sip of wine, I made eye contact with her again. "You alright over there?"
Her eyes widened, dropping briefly, "You're a menace. You know that right?"
I laughed out loud while scraping up more tiramisu. "Would you believe me if I told you that I had no idea you'd be so visibly effected?"
"Not at all." She rolled her eyes while finishing her own food. "With you and all your great ideas lately, what were you thinking for this sight and sound activity tonight?"
"I figured we could just talk and hang out in each other's arms. Look into your eyes for hours on end. Hold your hand while our legs tangle between us. I don't know? Reconnect?"
"And you expect us to resist each other?"
I tilted my head, smirking, "I thought we were on the same page, DiLaurentis?"
"Fuck off!" She teased, tossing her napkin my direction. "Fine. I'm in."
"Good, you had me worried."
"What do you mean? I figured you'd know this by now. But, with you Emmy, I'm always in."
A little after 10 pm, Alison and I both settled into the corner of the couch, wrapped underneath a blanket and each other. Placing each of our heads on the back of a couch cushion, we looked at each other contentedly. Using her thumb, Alison traced my eyebrow and then my cheekbone and then the curve of my lips and then my jaw. She repeated the action over and over again moving her lips as if in deep thought.
"So, where are we supposed to start?" Alison mumbled. "Is this supposed to be compliments or?"
"Or anything, baby. Stories, funny memories, hopes for our future. You're in my sight, and I can listen to you all night long. Sight and sound." I cleared my throat. "Look, I'll go first. You know what I remember the most about when we first started dating? It was a few nights before our second date at the museum, and we were on the phone. We had them propped on our night stands and were content with just looking at each other until the fucking witching hour." My laugh made her laugh as we drowned in the memory. "Sorry, that's just part of it. What I remember most is that every time we would do that, I'd find something new in your eyes. The first time, it was the white little striations that extend from your pupils. But then I noticed how one of your pupils is just slightly bigger than the other. Your right one, here. Or how, when it would get too late at night, I would always know it was time because one of your eyes would barely start twitching. But you never wanted to be the one to hang up first so I always took the bullet. And just when I think I've found everything there could be to find, I now see a little freckle amongst the blue. Like it hits me even in this moment that I somehow have the honor to discover new things about you for the rest of our lives. I have the privilege to look into your eyes and see my reflection in return, and I know innately that my luck ran out the day I met you. I thought that for the first time the morning I woke up next to you after the museum, and it's been reaffirmed to me every day since." Alison's eyes batted up at mine sincerely before she dropped her head to my shoulder. I placed kiss after kiss on the top and side of her head until she pulled away to look back up at me. "How was that? A decent start?"
"Decent? Are you fucking kidding me?" She laughed, holding the side of my face before kissing me gently. "You're incredible, Emmy. Always have been, but I didn't know you saw all those things too." She bit her lip before speaking again. "As a kid growing up, you always imagine falling in love, and the idea that the person you love is going to love you the same way. And every time I've given my heart over to someone else, it's been without confirmation. So, a part of me always felt a little lost in knowing that I may love them more or differently even though I'm probably catastrophizing it in my head." She extended out her left hand to pull my thigh further up her leg to wrap us closer together. "But with you, Em. With you, I've never felt lost. You make me feel so seen and heard that this exercise seems relatively pointless." Her laugh circulated through the air, sending a spark through me. "You make me feel radiant, Emily."
Alison rotated her body so that her back was against my chest, tucking herself into my side as I embraced her thoroughly. My arms linked around her waist and over her shoulder with Alison's hands meeting mine. She squeezed my forearms gently while rubbing the outside of her foot against my calf. For a task that felt relatively impossible, we were somehow finding a way to make it through. Despite my entire being feeling closer to her than we had in weeks, we were simultaneously at peace. Within ourselves and with each other.
"Ask me something, Ali. Anything you want."
"Hmm. This feels powerful." Alison nestled further into me, lightly chuckling.
"Don't get carried away there. If you get to ask me a question, so do I."
"Oh, do you?" She looked up at me over her shoulder. "Okay, okay. I like it. Let me think." It was in the way she paused that I knew she wasn't going to go easy on me. But it excited me, that she was just as invested. "I'm pretty sure that I understand the mechanics behind what happened with Jake's samples: how you got them, entered them, studied them. But I still don't understand why you thought that was your only option. You have consent to look at his previous records. Hell, I'd sign over access for you to look at his current ones if you don't already. That's part of why it doesn't make sense to me. Why did you think you had to do that to be in control?"
I sighed exasperatedly due to the complex nature of her question. In my eyes, I had explained this all. But maybe I had only released ounces and pieces of it over the previous month and a half. Maybe she needed it collectively in front of her, needed to see my collective brokenness. On full display. "It had to do with wanting to stay hidden, I guess. And I'll explain." I spoke quickly feeling Alison already turning around for more context. "Even though we've worked through all the issues Carter and I had early on around Halloween, the fact that I was unable to keep a lid on my OCD enough that I had an episode in your living room still kind of haunts me. I know that I had my medication adjusted and all, but that just prevents me from slipping into those dips. It doesn't prevent the same feelings from bubbling to the surface. So, the entire month of December, I felt ill. I watched you step up tremendously getting everything settled, but then the holidays happened, and over the course of a few weeks I heard from you and Hanna, and your family about the depression you fell into. And it became my biggest fear. That somehow, I would be unable to prevent you from falling into another one and during the course of that, I would have an episode. And there Jake would be, stuck with two adults unable to take care of themselves or him. Because I walked around daily feeling like I did that morning you and J went to church without me. It felt like any moment I was going to slip, and it was fucking terrifying."
By this point, Alison had turned fully on her side, tucking herself as close into me as possible. Her eyes burrowed into the side of my face as I spoke to the open room. "Why didn't you tell me, Emmy?"
"I was one less thing for you to worry about…" Her fingers danced over my hip bone underneath my shirt while attempting to lift her body higher on the couch. I met her halfway, leaning my cheek down for her to kiss. "That's what I mean by hidden. I knew that we were pretty much in the clear for one of my episodes with the medication I'm on now, so why put that out there in the world with everything else? We are the best team when working for Jacob's benefit, so I attempted to push it backwards and focus on the two of you. And don't get me wrong, the Consent for Disclosure is great, and I scoured it for all its useful information. But it didn't stop my mind from racing. It didn't prevent me from looking over at you and getting that sinking feeling that if you fell, I would too. So, when we got back from Dallas, I talked to Claire, and we worked out a conceivable plan. For the sake of data, in Claire's mind. For the sake of peace in mine."
I took another breath. "I wasn't sure if I was going to do it because part of me believed that once he was out of surgery, the fear would go away. Maybe the missing piece was the surgery and afterwards, my exhaustion would fade. But then Jake's last words beforehand were that he was scared, and I realized that I wasn't going to be able to look at him during surgery. That – like you said – part of your heart and soul and being goes with him into that operating room. And I knew we couldn't all be afraid during this process. That I had to figure out a way to no longer feel like I was a millisecond away from falling." I shrugged. "By that point, it felt like the best choice I had, and it – it actually worked. It gave me peace of mind and security. I was able to focus on you and him and not consider that at any moment the rug might be ripped out from underneath me. It took me out of it long enough to be able to clearly see that I want to be a part of your life until I no longer have the opportunity. It allowed me to know that 'wife' is the only logical next step for us. That nothing would make me happier than inhaling and exhaling you forever. I felt like we floated for weeks… until that work dinner. When the reality of my repeated choice finally had a potential consequence, and I saw the devastation in your eyes. For me. You were devastated for me. You know, it sounds crazy, but I hadn't even considered that I had lied to you or done something wrong until that dinner. When looking into your eyes felt like you were able to see all of me. All I had wanted was to hide, Ali. I wanted to protect us and the only way I knew how to do it was to make my shit disappear. So, it feels invasive, like I attempted to control Jake and you and our relationship, but it was my desperate attempt at controlling my own mind. That's why I did it, and all the lying I did was initially to make you unable to see me crumbling inside. I'm sorry for not being honest in December." Her lips pressed gently above my chest through my t-shirt. "Last night you said that you couldn't be confident that I would never try something like that again, and I can see why you would see that because what I did was extreme and all-encompassing. But I can tell you with every single part of me that I'm dedicated to not hiding like that ever again. I'd rather have episodes day after day than have to see your heart break in front of me like it did over FaceTime. I'll never be able to unhear you saying that I wasn't 'your Emily' during that time. I'll never be able to unsee the disappointment in your face. I know that isn't enough for you to believe me. That my actions will forever speak louder than my words. I promise you though, Ali. I'd rather you see me at my emotional breaking point than try to protect you through a lie. I love you too much to let you down like that again."
She pushed off of my hip with her hand to sit up in front of me when I finished. Her baby blues looked at me intently as though she was attempting to find any fault in my words through my facial expressions. But no part of me had lied or stuttered or attempted to be anything but truthful. Her hand drifted away from my hip down to my right hand that had settled against the couch. Lacing them tenderly, Alison spoke.
"I know that I'll never be able to save you from any mental health struggles you may be having or save you from another episode or I don't know – " She toyed with my fingers at our side. "But next time, Emmy, at least let me sit with you through it. I don't want to find out like this. I don't want to find you've felt inches from the edge for months, okay?"
She leaned in for a kiss, stopping just before my lips as I whispered in return, "Okay." Alison held herself above me with her right hand, tracing her thumb gently in my palm while kissing me delicately. Her lips teased over mine repeatedly, giggling as I groaned in frustration. "Ali…"
"Sorry, sorry. You know how much I love hearing you say my name. I love you, too, by the way." She smiled, kissing against my jaw. "It's your question now, I think?"
I pulled away shaking my head. "I know you do this shit on purpose."
"Whatever could you mean?" She smirked, trailing her tongue against her bottom lip.
I placed my hand on her torso just below her chest. "This is going to be worse than even before we fucked the first time."
Her head fell while laughing again, "You act like you've forgotten how amazing our first time was though."
"But you act like it wasn't torture being around you in the weeks leading up to it."
"Torture?" She asked again, moving her finger up my forearm. "You never told me it was torture…"
"Whatever, Alison." I shoved her back with my palm. "Sit in your corner over there, please."
She chuckled, grabbing the pillow behind her to place in her lap while facing me from a seat away. "Your question, babe."
After that series of rambling, I noticed Alison's eyes scanning me differently. She reminded me of how intimate it is to allow yourself to be seen in someone else's eyes. To allow there to be knowing and re-knowing repeatedly despite all the changes that occur within a person. It was as though the more she understood, the clearer she saw me. I understood that from my perspective. That all I wanted and craved was to know her more. But I had never processed it as blatantly as I was right now because behind her smile, I saw that she finally saw my side. Or at least part of it.
I cleared my throat, adjusting on the couch to extend my hand between us. "How did you so clearly know that you wanted to get married again? Like since we first discussed everything way back in November, you've always been so clear in that knowing. And you've told me the positives you see in it all: the title of wife, the health benefits, Jacob seeing a dedicated and committed working relationship. But I'd love to hear how you got there, when you got there, why you got there."
Alison sat up in excitement as I finished, collecting her thoughts. "Ooh, good question. When did I get there? About a year and half ago. Maybe about a year before I met you, and I couldn't tell you the exact day by any means, but I clearly remember the moment. Actually, it was J during one of my moments of mental clarity. We were watching some Disney movie, maybe Frozen or Tangled – I get those two confused all the time." She smiled, shaking her head while trying to place the correct movie. "I think it had to be Tangled. When they're singing in the boat?" I nodded, confirming the scene to her. "And he asked me if Carter and I fell in love like that. If we were ever as happy as them, joyfully singing under the stars. So, I detailed how happy his dad made me early in our relationship which made him ask if I was ever going to be happy again." She paused, going over the phrasing of his words. "I don't think he meant it as is ever happy again. I don't think he was able to see how unhappy I was back then. Maybe he just meant if I was ever going to fall in love again. But the fact that he asked made me consider it for the first time in a long time. Was I ever going to happy again? Was I ever going to allow myself to be? His question shaped what I thought about for a few weeks, and I realized that there were two people in the world that deserved to see me happy again: Jake and myself. I owed it to myself to not rule out my happiness, to accept it however it may come to me. And when I thought about it long enough, I knew that I would be the happiest married again to someone that I really truly loved. Not someone who was simply my best friend. Not someone I was just compatible with or someone that made me laugh." She tilted her head to the right, setting the pillow in her lap on the ground before scooting herself back toward me. "No, I affirmed to myself and Jake that I was going to marry someone who challenged me. Someone who quieted the anxiety in my head without even trying. Someone who showed up no matter how hard it might be or how much of their pride they might need to swallow." Placing her hand gently on my upper arm, she tucked her legs underneath her before straddling my upper thighs. "And then I met the most gorgeous woman I'd ever fucking seen less than a year later… I met you."
She bent her finger in a hook and gently traced it from the middle of my neck, over my chin and up to my lips. I barely kissed it as she passed by my lips to return to her initial movement from when we first sat down: eyebrow, cheekbone, lips, jaw. Over and over until she found the words she was seeking.
"I know that I tell you that you're beautiful all of the time, Emmy, and I fear that maybe I say it took often. Like I'm being surface level or something. But when I look at you, when I isolate every feature on your face just like I did now, I don't focus on your beauty. I trace your eyebrows and remember how you would first flirt with me over FaceTime. Cautiously afraid to say too much too soon, so instead you would raise this eyebrow and smile to let me know you cared. I circle your cheekbones and go right back to the smile you gave me the night we met." I watched her smile gleam in the memory. "Your lips pursed over that glass of wine as I shamelessly scanned your figure, your cheekbones the first standout feature I noticed. I graze your lips and remember the first time they found that divot in my collarbone that always makes me shiver. The way you now always take your time there intentionally making your lips fuller when you kiss me there so that I don't instantly become ticklish. I follow along your jaw and yearn to see you laugh. To hear your giggle that extends out your jawline and forever makes me swoon." She sighed. "And I say all that to make sure that you know when I call you beautiful, the last thing I'm considering is how mind-numbingly breathtaking you are. I'm thinking about all the ways you bring beauty into my life. How six months ago there was a darkness in my life that felt inescapable, but that somehow and someway every single inch of you has brought a light into my life that I'm never going to be able to live without. So, when I call you beautiful, please don't think I'm being shallow or superficial. It's just the easiest way to say you saved me without going through it each and every time."
She paused, looking my face over once more as I leaned in to kiss the palm of her hand. "And that's your answer to how you knew you wanted to get married again?"
"No, Emmy. You're my answer to why."
A/N: Eep! I love this chapter. Some may call it "fluff" or "filler" but I think it incorporates groundedness and reality back into their relationship. Additionally, I was sure to add many a thread pointing toward potential future plot point. But I know that I'm also biased from being the author and all. There are quite a few little sections in here that include some of my favorite sentences that I've ever written, so I hope that maybe some words strung throughout here gave you pause or made you smile. Let me know if that was the case for you and what some of those lines were!
Thank you all again for the love and support. You all make this so worth it, and don't worry, I promise you I am always writing or thinking about writing or thinking about what I just wrote. Haha I hope you all are well, and if not, I hope you're able to see a way forward. And as Emily said this chapter, "I love you. Love yourself for me, too."
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Until next time,
secretpen28