"...remember that what has once been done may be done again." ― Alexandre Dumas
I feel the shift in the Earth's energy and I know what it is immediately.
Even still in my wolf form, I seek out Bella's face in the clearing where we were meant to learn the secrets to fighting newborns. She presses her eyes closed, seemingly content for a moment. I remember what happened with her like it was yesterday. The blinding light of destiny. The horror of vanishing free will. The shock of it being the person you least expected.
Mate. Want. Protect. Need.
The chant of a new imprint bounces between our pack mind.
And if I thought it impossible before, I hear the most blood-curdling scream that exists solely in one's mind. Leah's mind. She screams and runs.
I can hardly blame her.
We all saw the image of the lucky fellow that has just stolen her future. The one with scraggly blonde hair and a pained expression. Jasper. The one who helped to fuck up Bella's mind.
Rage explodes between us. And I can't deny my role as the spark to this powder-keg.
"Let's fucking kill him!"
"Oh, he's dead!"
"They all are!"
"I'm going after her," Jacob announces. He's off before I can even think about whether that's a good idea. But I acquiesce that it might be.
"Let's go after them." Accompanied by violent images of the vampires being torn apart limb by stone limb.
"Stand down!" I demand, digging my heels into the forest floor. "By pack law, we cannot hurt an imprint."
"I think you can make an exception here, boss," Paul snarls. "It's a fucking leech."
"I know that," I hiss.
"It shouldn't be possible!" Jared argues.
I can see the images of both Kim and Bella between us. Young and warm. Human. Innocent.
But hell, it shouldn't have been possible for a woman to phase anyway. Everything with Leah is upside down. I should stop demanding sense when it comes to her.
"I am going to need to talk to Carlisle Cullen," I say to the others.
"It appears the female wolf has imprinted on you," I hear the slimy voice of Edward Cullen, and it breaks me from our trance. The entire coven of vampires, plus Bella, is staring at us in shock.
Bella's face scrunches up and she draws a hand to her curved stomach, "What's an imprint?"
Bile rises in my throat and all thoughts in my head immediately cease. No one says a word. All I can do is look at her and nearly want to cry. Everything I've done to avoid even allowing her to know that word has been for nothing now.
"Sam wants to speak with Carlise now," Edward finally adds, with obvious disgust at the mention of my name.
Unconsciously, I bear my teeth in annoyance at the mind-reader.
"He can talk to me too," Alice, the witch, announces. "You'll have to figure out how to undo it. Jasper is vanishing from my vision already."
She takes the hand of her mate in an obviously possessive manner. I suppose I can't blame her for that either, even if I think it oddly justified that the universe wants to take away her happiness.
But her demeanor causes the pack to explode once again, this time in hilarity.
"This bitch thinks it can be undone!" Paul laughs.
"As if that isn't what Jacob thinks about all the time!" Embry adds.
I try to hiss at them to be silent.
"They don't seem to think that is possible," Edward announces in the midst of me trying to regain control over my pack.
"Give us a fucking minute," I finally think at him.
He just stares, disgusted as always. As if he isn't the abomination here.
"Seth, I want you to join Leah and Jacob. Let them know I will be there to talk to her tonight. Maybe with Jared." I try to weigh if the one person who has had a happy time with his imprintee should be joining, but I can't make the decision now. "Everyone else is going to do routine training for three hours at least, led by Paul."
"Hell yeah," Paul cheers.
The rest groan.
"I'll be phasing back to talk to the Cullens now. We'll regroup later."
Edward relays to the other vamps my intentions to come back in a minute to talk in human form.
I don't allow myself to look back at Bella as we take off as a group. As usual, the forest is the only thing that grounds me in reality so my mind doesn't completely spiral into insanity. There are always a thousand branches and rocks to avoid slamming into.
When the rest of the pack grabs their bundles of clothes where we left them, I phase back into a human and slip on my shorts. It doesn't look formal enough for the conversations I'm about to have.
If I'm honest, I'll admit I take a leisurely route back to the Cullen's house. I know how to get there almost immediately now. You just follow the scent of death. Before they came back, it would have been just an empty, if maybe ashy scent.
It's in total juxtaposition to how perfect their yard and house are. Not decayed at all.
My knuckles burn from the simple act of knocking on the door.
The matriarch of the family, though I can't call her a domineering presence at all, beckons me inside.
While their house isn't decayed, it's still unsightly. The appearance makes my stomach clench like it did last night. Too clean, and too un-lived in.
"Are you okay?" Bella is the very first to speak to me after I walk into the pristine living room.
"I'm fine," I say. Physically, it's true. I'm not even delirious like I was when I first imprinted on her. Emotionally and mentally? I'm walking through mud.
"Leah?" she asks.
My jaw tightens, "Remains to be seen."
"What's going on?" she whispers to me, side-eying the rest of the Cullens as if they are listening to us right now. They are.
"I'll tell you later," I respond, feeling my throat constrict.
Bella and I stare at each other. I can see the million questions forming on her tongue. But Esme Cullen wraps her arms around Bella's shoulder and beckons her to a chair in the corner.
"Are you hungry, dear? When was the last time you've eaten?" Esme worries over Bella. Rosalie is pretty quick to join in. Normally I might try to protect Bella from the onslaught of worried mother-stand-ins, but I actually agree she needs to eat often carrying our baby now.
"I apologize for this unexpected outcome," I say. I can't even fully describe why I'm attempting to be diplomatic here. Or who exactly I'm saying this too. Jasper, the chosen one, continues to stand like a statue. He doesn't look at me directly.
Carlisle is about to respond but the witch vamp is quicker.
"We are supposed to be getting you dogs trained to fight the newborns in our already tight schedule. Can't this wait?" Alice sneers.
"This affects an important member of my pack," I argue. "And we've been training nonstop for months. I think we can handle your newborns."
"I doubt it," she hisses.
Jasper glances between the two of us, his face barely betraying any emotion. He refuses to even blink.
"Plus, Jasper is already spoken for," she loops an arm between her mate's limb, who remains frozen with his own hands stuck unmoving in his pants pocket. He doesn't acknowledge her.
"They can come back to train tomorrow, Alice," Carlisle cuts in. "Unfortunately, I am going to have to agree with Sam that this issue needs to be discussed now. Is there anything we can do to help her?"
I look between the dead eyes of the newest imprintee, the angry glance of his current mate, the disgusted look of Edward who continues to hover over Bella, even at a distance, and the concerned expression of Carlisle.
I just sigh, "She will want to spend time near Jasper."
Alice appears to growl under her breath.
"Or at least in the same vicinity as him for short bursts," I try to compromise for now. "She will grow weaker without it."
Carlisle nods, evidently perplexed by everything in a decidedly scientific way. I can't tell if this makes it worse or not.
"Yes," he seems to think out loud. "We've talked about the condition amongst our family. Edward wasn't able to discern much from you. You keep a tight guard on your thoughts."
I have to for survival, especially when leading a pack of teenagers.
"I would appreciate it if you allowed me the discretion to deal with that particular issue myself," I say, almost coming off as demanding, but doing my best to keep a calm tone.
Carlisle nods, understanding what I mean immediately, "Of course."
I watch Bella still sitting in the corner of the living room between Rosalie and Esme. They are watching us intently.
"And the effects on Jasper?" Carlisle's voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
I swallow tightly, "Should be minimal."
Bella's pained features don't seem to lessen. I know she's confused. But importantly, I'm not aware of any adverse reactions on the side of the imprintee.
"He shouldn't have the same impulses to be close. Honestly, the power is entirely in his hands on how to go about dealing with this. As long as he does not purposefully weaken Leah." I shoot Alice the most menacing glance I can muster while I speak.
Carlisle nods, "Noted. Of course, Jasper would never want to needlessly hurt anyone."
Truthfully, I can't tell if Carlisle is saying this out of belief in Jasper or a warning to him. I've heard enough about his impulse to drain humans being the strongest out of this 'vegetarian' group.
"Power entirely in his hands," Rosalie's parody of me suddenly shifts the focal point in the room onto her. "I don't think you've been applying that logic to yourself."
My mouth drops open and the remaining vampires turn to look at me. Immediately, my throat dries and I find myself unable to say anything.
"Don't you think she has a right to know?" She sneers. "She is the mother of your child."
Bella looks up at me expectedly, still worrying her bottom lip. Her wide eyes waiting for me to say something and I immediately soften.
"She does."
Her expression eases and she looks at me with something I can't quite put my finger on. But it devastates me, having her look so open and trusting when I might crush her with this news. I've already robbed her of a future by getting her knocked up, I don't know how many more choices it's justified for me to take. I have to look away.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Edward's wrath growing. I know he doesn't want her to know, but it can't be put off forever. My stomach sinks at the realization my time is up.
"How about we give you two space to talk?" Esme's light voice breaks the tension. For the first moment, I finally look at her like a person and not just a blood-sucking monster. She's kind, that much is obvious. And she cares about Bella. "The patio is free to use."
I nod, my Adam's apple bobbing in my throat. The first physical signs of loneliness are creeping up on me.
"I think we need to talk amongst our family anyway," Esme adds, carefully looking at the other Cullens as if any one of them might suddenly explode. Edward folds his arms over his chest and Alice tries to grip onto her frigid mate tighter.
Bella's hand is around mine before I have time to think. She gestures to the backdoor and I let her lead me out.
"Thank you," I tell Esme, and Esme only before we've crossed the threshold. I know I can't be certain any of them won't try to listen in, but I'm sure they'll be absorbed in their own conversation about all of this soon enough.
Bella leans against the railing, seemingly grateful to adjust the amount of weight on her feet. Her hair blows in the light breeze and all I want to do is stare at her face forever. That's my home, where I belong. I suppose this conversation is about why I feel this way though. The conversation I've been putting off for too long.
I join her at the railing, careful to keep a few feet between us, or else I might just collapse into her arms.
"Why is everyone acting so weird about this?" she asks me. She's exasperated, but still trying to keep an easy-going attitude. My chest squeezes at the thought that she's going to lose that carefree demeanor soon. And she has every right to.
A bubble of honesty forms in my throat: "Because I haven't wanted you to know. And I asked everyone not to tell you."
Asked is kind of a false description, but I'm not going to push my luck on this one.
Her eyes widen and it seems like she almost takes a step back from me. "Why?"
"I don't want it to change what you think of me, of all of us." Okay, maybe I add this last bit to redirect her focus. Plus, I'm obviously not the only one in the pack that has imprinted. Truthfully, I don't want it to change how she might see all of us. I want her to be fully integrated into the pack, as much as she wants to be.
Her face softens, "It won't."
"It might," I groan.
She reaches out and grasps my hand. I allow myself only a half-second to melt into her touch.
"It couldn't possibly change what I feel about you, Sam. I know you."
Her warm brown eyes beg me to believe her. I almost do. Her expression is enough to give me the courage to do this.
"What imprinting is," I groan, forcing myself to bite the bullet, "it's like seeing your future in the blink of an eye. Nothing visually tangible, but just a concrete feeling that you'll do whatever it takes to keep this person happy for the rest of their life. It's having your entire world shift in front of you. It's no longer just yourself you care about, but this whole other person you're ready to die for. It's destiny."
Bella blinks at me, cocks her head to the side.
"And this is what happened to Leah? When she looked at Jasper?" she asks.
"Yes."
Bella shifts her weight between her feet, "Why is everyone so upset then?"
"It's unconditional love, Bella."
I feel my heart pound in my chest. I count three beats before I can even look back at her.
"Oh," she says. Her mouth forms into the syllable she's just uttered. Her brow furrows and I can only imagine what she might be thinking.
I'm not even sure what I am thinking. These words feel too heavy. My tongue doesn't feel strong enough to carry them, especially not in front of the strongest person I know.
"But Leah and Jasper?" she questions. "Jasper already has Alice."
I nod.
She looks downward. "I see. God, poor Leah."
"The legends claim that the imprintee doesn't have to accept that love back. That it's possible for it to be love between friends. The wolf that imprints will be happy to have it be just that."
Bella's eyes snap back up to meet mine, "Do you think that's what Jasper will choose?"
"I don't know," I admit.
"I hope Jasper will choose her, not Alice," she says, twisting a lock of hair between her fingers. There's anger in her voice, but it's not directed at me. Not even blatantly directed at anyone here. And the pain she feels is echoed three-fold in my body.
I grind my teeth, "Jasper doesn't deserve a happy ending."
She frowns at me, "Don't blame him. I know he didn't want to. I remember that much."
But he did anyway.
"I honestly don't care."
It's the only thing I can say to not leave her side and immediately tear Jasper up. Maybe it would fix Leah's problem, maybe it would drive her to insanity. The desire for revenge for his part in Bella's hypnosis almost makes me not care at all about what would happen to my packmate. But Bella would care, and it's that knowledge that holds me to the ground.
I take another breath and continue the track our conversation is headed.
"If Jasper isn't clear about what he wants, then there is no way Leah will want just to be friends. It will be a constant burning inside her. It will feel like the entire universe is screaming down her back to get her to be with him. She'll get weaker if she spends too much time apart from him. And yet she'd keep her distance if she believes that she shouldn't be around him. She'll try to fight destiny because it feels wrong to force it on someone else, even if it feels like the most right thing in the world to her. It will be a long, brutal path to insanity."
I grip onto the railing of the Cullen's porch. I could break it in half if I tried hard enough. I'm tempted to, considering all of the shit they've put us through.
"How do you know all that?" Bella presses.
I watch her face study mine. I watch the realization come onto her perfect features and the weight of the world comes crashing down on me.
"You've imprinted on someone," she states. Not even phrased like a question though it still demands my answer.
"I have. I was the first."
My admission transforms her expression into something adjacent to heartbreak. I've seen it on too many faces by now not to recognize it. Leah's face, maybe even Emily's for a moment, Jacob's face over Bella enough times, and Bella's the first time I saw her in the forest. The pain of seeing her needlessly upset forces me to open my mouth to correct her, but I'm not fast enough.
"What happened to her?" Bella asks.
My stomach clenches and I'm redirected to answering her question, "Nothing." And it better remain that way. Victoria and her fucking army will die.
She shakes her head at me, "Something must have, or you wouldn't have…" She cuts herself off, bringing her hand to her belly. I understand the implication. Or I wouldn't have been with her.
If there's any moment to say something, this is it.
"Bella," her name burns my lips, my very being. "The reason I haven't wanted to tell you all this time is because the person I imprinted on is you."
Her features harden immediately and she stares at me directly. She doesn't say anything. She barely even moves.
The seconds that tick by are agonizing.
"Why?" she finally asks.
It's a question that has a million different meanings.
"I don't know."
I hear her scoff and turn her head away from me.
Fuck, no, this isn't what I mean. The last thing I want to do is make her feel like she doesn't deserve affection, adoration, every ounce of a person's devotion. I don't want to make her feel anywhere close to what he did. But I don't know how to say it. I never know how to say it.
"There are a lot of theories about why it happens," I stammer out. It's enough to get her to look at me again, though I can plainly see the apprehension on her face.
"Both Billy and," I take a deep breath through my nostrils, "Harry thought it might have to do with getting the wolf to turn back to human. That way we're not stuck as animals for the rest of our lives, we have something to return to. Billy believed it might solely be that, but Harry was more of a romantic. He believed the imprint might be an anchor to experiencing all love. Even just by knowing it could happen to any of us, we don't close off our emotions to the real world. We retain humanity, not just human form."
Bella's lips part open and I'm transfixed by her beauty, once again. The soft, subtle glow of curiosity. She's always wanted to understand everything. It's one of the things I cherish so deeply about her. It's why she deserves the entire truth, even if I haven't been able to see that before now. Even if she hates me for it.
"But the main theory really is," I look down at her belly where our child grows, "for reproduction. To create the next generation of protectors."
She crosses her arms over herself immediately and I want to slap myself for even saying it, even if it's the truth. At least it's what Billy and Harry seemed to agree on for one major purpose.
"Of course, that theory can't be true now," I rush out. "There is no way Leah and Jasper can have any kids together."
Her face scrunches up. She still doesn't drop her arms from over her abdomen. In fact, she might even be holding herself tighter. I can see the anger and disgust welling behind her eyes. She scratches at her face in the way I know now to be her prelude to crying.
"I don't want you to think I used you for this intentionally, Bella. I didn't." I plead to her, to the universe, that she believes me on this. "I don't want you thinking you have no choice in this, because you do. You have every choice and I'll respect whatever you decide."
She shakes her head, eyes glazed over, "But why me? Why me at all?"
Because your hair glows auburn in the sunlight, because your eyebrows furrow when you're confused and your nose scrunches when you laugh. Because we were made for each other and the universe saw it fit to acknowledge that truth in the most painful way possible.
"I don't know," I say once again, and this time it breaks my heart. "All I know is that when I saw you lying in the forest, that was it for me. I don't regret it at all. I couldn't."
"But you hid it from me." Her voice is small, below a whisper. It's only for my advanced hearing that I can hear it at all.
"That was for you, not for me," I choke out.
"I don't believe you," she says this bit louder, angrier. Her eyes are red, welting with tears. I want to reach out and hold her now, but I know she'd push me away.
"You weren't well after Edward left you," I explain. "I know you got into drugs and alcohol. I didn't want to make it worse for you."
She squeezes her eyes shut, "And then after that?"
She's right. I know she is. I should have told her after that. I could have found her after that party, told her everything I feel, everything about the wolves too. I should have kept her away from Jacob Black and putting herself in danger trying to get back in contact with him. I could have told her after what happened with Harry, after the bonfire. Hell, even after I made her take the pregnancy test. Or any time we saw each other after.
"I was afraid," I finally say.
And because she asks me to explain, if not with words, but with desperate eyes, I tell her my deepest fear, "I don't want any of my feelings for you to just be because of the imprint."
"Oh," she says. The sound of her voice is worse this time.
A ringing starts in my ears. I try to shake my head and snap out of it, but it doesn't work. She's looking at me with the worst expression I've ever seen her directed my way. Every muscle in my body freezes.
"Bella, you don't understand," I cry out.
"You're right, I don't," she snaps. "Everything you just told me about the imprint: everything about destiny. You don't want that with me?"
Her voice cracks as she speaks.
"That's not what I'm saying at all. I want it to be a choice, not a demand from the universe," I argue. "I don't want to force you into something you don't want."
She grinds her teeth together, "You haven't even asked me what I want."
I open my mouth to do so, but she holds a hand up to stop me.
"Don't. Not if you're not ready to hear the answer."
I find myself paralyzed by her declaration. My limbs become glued to my side and a loud buzzing echoes in my ears. Bella pulls her jacket tighter over herself. She takes steps to move aside and leave our conversation.
"Wait," I choke. But the words die on my lips. Bella looks at me for a couple of seconds longer before she turns on her heels to go back inside.
She says one last thing that hits me in the gut before she finally walks away: "I was right: the imprint doesn't change what I feel about you. It just makes it hurt worse."
I blink, trying to comprehend her sudden departure. It's only after many moments when I reach up to my cheek and find moisture that I feel regret.
I'm throwing myself over the edge of the Cullen's balcony before I can even think. And I'm running, not phasing, so no one else hears the fucking mess in my mind. I'm running until I can feel the burn in my thighs that I used to feel back when I was fully human. I run until the burn turns into searing pain and I run until that turns into liquid fire.
When I can't run anymore, gasping for air becomes the only thing that prevents me from outright sobbing. I clutch my chest in agony. Maybe I'm sobbing anyway.
It's a long time before I move from my spot leaning against a random tree.
When my senses come back to me, I realize I'm at the coast, and there's someone not too far from here. I breathe in the nearby scent.
Of course. It would be her.
Leah sits on a large boulder glancing out at the beginning of the cloudy sunset. Guess I really was out running and hyperventilating for a while.
So she escaped from Jacob, huh? I almost laugh at the thought. Good for her.
I have to get within a few feet of her before she finally acknowledges me with a backward glance.
"Are you alright?" I ask.
She cocks her head at me, "Are you?"
I give her a look that tells her very clearly not to press me. I know she can tell what's wrong with me, however. The same person it has been for months now.
"I'm fine," she huffs. "Jacob gave me the rundown of how much imprinting sucks. As if he hasn't said it a million times already." She breathes in deeply again. "Is it bad that I don't think it sucks sucks though?"
I join her on the rocks, letting the waves kiss the soles of our feet. The salt in the air numbs my senses just enough to have one more shitty conversation today.
"I know how you feel," I tell her.
"I just wish he wasn't a blood-sucker," she adds. "It doesn't disgust me anymore, it just makes me sad."
"I bet he was forced into it," she continues, wistfully.
"And if he wanted it?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow.
She turns to me, eyes sharp. "Then I bet he had a really good reason."
I know better than to press her on this. She's still in the hopeful phase of imprinting. Maybe reality hasn't fully set in with her yet.
"Never thought imprinting on a vampire would be possible, Lee," I say, finally letting the dumbstruck feeling of it all hit me.
"And nobody ever thought a female could be a shifter. I think I'm used to being impossible at this point, Uley," she chuckles.
I'll concede that to her.
"I don't feel any more attraction to you now. Never thought I would see the day," Leah laughs. "But I know I'm still fucking angry at you."
I nod, thinking about how just laying eyes on Bella killed whatever I had with Emily. God, Emily, not even a person I still regularly think of. That honor has been left to Paul.
I smile at her, "Yeah, the imprint won't take that away. It doesn't make every part of us suddenly become lovesick puppies. Not even most parts. And I know you're the type of person to stay angry forever."
She laughs again, "You're right, Uley. I can understand everything now, and even before when I knew about turning into a goddamn wolf, it still didn't make it right. But even now it definitely doesn't make me less pissed."
Because what I did was morally wrong, even if situationally justified. And I know attraction has no part in feeling wronged as a human being, down to the very soul. I can ask for forgiveness forever and still not get it.
"At least you're still able to talk to me. That's all I ask."
"I still give a shit about you. And at least two shits about Bella."
"Good," I say. She deserves everyone in the world caring about her, especially good people like Leah.
We sit in silence for a long time, watching the deep hues of blue come over the sky and color the sea dark. Serene, but impossibly dangerous. I know the monsters that can use this cover for an attack. I know how we need to spend our limited moments left planning for it.
"I want to see him and I don't even know him," my friend finally says; it's clearly evident she's been chewing on this thought for a while.
"I know. You will. We have to be back there tomorrow for the second-try of official newborn training."
"I don't want to see that blood-sucking bitch though," Leah adds.
A frown comes over my features. For the brave face she puts on, I know the truth. Leah would be more than happy to let Jasper be with Alice if that is what he truly wanted. She doesn't want to see that, however. She wants this tiny, separate possession of Jasper to remain for as long as it can.
"What about Bella?" Leah asks after a long lapse of silence.
"I'll make it right with her," is all I say. I'm not about to cry in front of Leah Clearwater.
"Good, you better. Because I'll fucking off myself right now if Jared is the only one of us who gets to be happy."
And though we laugh, for now, the kernel of doubt, that represents the terror of losing my family in a million different ways, keeps growing in my chest. But I'll hide it from Leah and when I see her again, I'll hide it from Bella too. Because they need me to be strong so that's all I can be.
A/N: This chapter lingered at 95% complete for like two weeks so sorry about that lol. TL;DR Bella is totally in love with Sam, but doesn't have the words for it. Sam is too much of an idiot to realize it.