"So what did you think of the play?" mumbled Toph around the stick of barbecued banana slices that was currently in her mouth.
"Two thumbs up," said Zuko. "The director's thumbs, I mean, since I'm going to cut them off and shove them up his ass." He demonstrated his pique by tearing apart a banner which read The Life and Death of the Prince of Ill Luck.
Sokka snorted at Zuko's answer. "Hello, jerkwad, did you not get the memo about not being a bad guy anymore?" Sokka smashed another sign, not because he hated the play but because as a good boyfriend he felt obligated to act on Yue's behalf when the play was a blatant plagiary of her novel. Also he liked smashing things.
Zuko punched a hole through a backdrop showing some icebergs floating on the sea. "Me, not a bad guy anymore?" he asked. "Says who? I never promised anything to anybody. Anyway, who says good guys can't cut off the thumbs of people they don't like? What, are the good guy police going to arrest me for that?"
"Uh, yes, and they're actually just the regular police," said Sokka as he cut up a set of red Fire Sage robes with his knife.
"For the love of crap, can you two just make out already?" interrupted Toph. "I swear, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife."
Sokka turned to Toph in annoyance. "You know, Toph, life isn't one of the borderline gay romance stories you pay people to read to you. Just because two people argue with each other doesn't mean they're secretly in love. Almost one hundred percent of the time it means they genuinely disagree with each other."
Toph was too busy enjoying her banana slices to give a properly derisive jeer to Sokka's pronouncement and in fact all she could manage was a sarcastic roll of her eyes.
"Hey, what are you kids doing backstage!" demanded an angry bearded man who Zuko assumed was the stage manager or something. He didn't bother to find out but instead broke the chair he was holding over the man's head instead of smashing it on some Ba Sing Se palace scenery like he had originally intended. Taking the man's intrusion as a cue, he sauntered casually out of the back door whose lock he had bashed open with a rock – this was only after listening to ten minutes of fumbling and cursing from Sokka before the other boy admitted that he couldn't pick the lock (and only after Zuko had broken the lock did Toph reveal that she could have used her metalbending and saved everyone the trouble).
Much later, on their way out of town and back to their camp site Sokka observed, "You know, for a play that's supposedly about the 'Prince of Ill Luck' the majority of the story revolved around the whole Katara forbidden love angle."
"Yeah," agreed Zuko as he walked along swinging a wooden sign that said Colonel Kinjo's Travelling Players, "It's like they wanted to make a stage adaptation of Thunderstorm but kept getting forced to make a straight propaganda piece instead."
"What kind of propaganda piece makes you feel sorry for the bad guys?" asked Toph as she finished her snack and began cleaning her teeth with the barbecue stick she'd been eating from. "Zuko's supposed to be the traitor but the play ends with Katara crying her eyes out and promising to avenge his death."
"Good point, it gets kind of weird near the end, doesn't it?" said Sokka. "But can we agree not to tell Aang that he spends the Battle of Ba Sing Se screaming and hiding under a blanket?"
"No, we can't, because I'm going to tell him that as soon as we see him," promised Toph. "I even memorized the lines his character was shouting at Azula: 'Take Sokka, he's stupid and ugly and no one likes him.'"
Sokka huffed in annoyance and stuck his hands in his pockets. He should have known Toph would remember that line. "You know, Toph, maybe we really should come clean to Katara about where we're getting our money from," he threatened.
"Maybe we shouldn't," said Toph as she threw her skewer at Sokka's head.
"So you're cheating at crooked dice games," said Zuko. "You're just doing the same to those gamblers that they were going to do to you. How can that be wrong?"
"Exactly," said Sokka.
"For sure," agreed Toph.
They were both glad that Zuko had been too distracted by seeing the advertisements for the play that he didn't ask how they'd scored same day tickets for what was obviously an incredibly popular show. If he had known they'd scammed the tickets from some rich jerkoff then he would have probably thrown a hissy fit about them risking the mission or something.
Honestly, for a firebender Zuko could be a complete wet blanket. No wonder he and Katara got along so well. All Toph and Sokka did was trick money out of people who had too much of it. What could possibly go wrong with that?
"I can't be sure, but I'm almost positive this is your fault," said Katara as she frantically hopped up and down in the wooden cage. "They probably think you can pick locks so they stuck you in a cell with no locks to pick."
"Well, I can't be sure, but I'm almost positive you can go suck my balls," said Toph as she sulked in the corner of the room.
"You don't have balls, Toph, you just have a mouth that's too big for your own good."
"Well, you have a butt that's too big for your own good."
"I'll have you know I have an excellently shaped rear. Wait, how would you even know? Are you feeling me up in my sleep?"
"Duh, how else can I tell what you guys look like? Did you forget that I'm blind?"
"Eww, Toph, you're like an onion of perversion. Every time I think you can't get any worse you end up topping yourself. Wait, did Aang actually wet his bed back in Ba Sing Se or was that you pranking him?"
"Hah, do you remember him trying to hide those sheets?"
Katara rolled her eyes at the admission. "You're a tiny little jerk, Toph."
"I'm hearing lots of talking and not enough exercising. Get sweating and waterbend those bodily fluids, chop chop!"
Katara mumbled curses to herself as she went back to sweating out her escape plan.
"That's it, Katara, do your best or whatever," cheered Toph half-heartedly. "Hey, will it help if I pee on you?"
At that moment the door to the outside opened, showing Zuko and Sokka frozen on the threshold.
"Uhh. . ." said Zuko, to which neither Sokka nor Katara had anything to add.
"Hey!" shouted Toph, breaking the spell of awkward uncertainty everyone besides her was under. "Who do I have to pee on to get rescued here?" she demanded.
"Aang, Toph is asking for you," said Sokka.
"Really?" asked Aang from somewhere out of sight of the doorway. "Don't worry Toph, I'm here!" he declared as he pushed past Sokka and Zuko
"Great, I need you to pee on Katara," said Toph.
"They can just open the door and let us out, Toph!" said Katara.
"They could, but I like my idea more."
"Why are you so obsessed with pee? What's so fascinating about it? Tell me that, at least!"
"Umm, you guys shouldn't fight," said Aang, "I don't really get it but if it's really important I guess I could try."
"Okay, everyone stop, this escape is getting weird," said Sokka. "I'm opening the door, then we're all going to walk away, and while we're walking away none of us will say anything, and then once we get back to camp we'll continue not saying anything until breakfast the next day."
"Good idea," agreed Zuko. He and Sokka silently opened the door of the wooden cage and walked out of the jail without looking back. The rest of the group quickly followed after the two boys.
"See Katara, it all worked out," said Toph.
"I said no talking!" shouted Sokka.
"Fine," mumbled Toph to herself. "We'll see who gets the last pee around here."
NOTES: This isn't the full chapter, just a work in progress. I actually already posted it a couple of years ago on Archive of Our Own but I forgot I had an account here on FFN. If you really want to read more, I suggest just looking for my stuff on AO3 because I've given up on this website.