I always loved traveling. Still do, honestly. But I never liked airports. Ridiculously crowded all the god damn time!
Though, in this case… perhaps the annoyance I was facing trying to exit the airport was my fault.
It was Christmas Eve, after all.
"Ahh, now where is she…" I muttered to myself under my breath as I began scanning the ocean of people scrambling about within Pearson Airport.
Admittedly, this was also kind of my fault. I hadn't seen Ashley in four- no, five years now. She'd have gone from graduating high school to being down with university; likely looked far different than what I could remember. She said she'd be holding a sign, but… of all the signs I could see, none of them had my name on them. Maybe I'd gone blind recently, but I swear-
"There you are! Oh, how I've missed you!"
"Ack" I choked out as I stumbled forward due to the tackle from behind. "H-Hey, sis… You're… squeezing me…"
"Yeah, yeah, suck it up and take it" I heard her laugh. "I haven't seen you in five years, and you still owe me for bailing back in July!"
"…Fair, but… you're making… a scene…"
Despite my protest, Ashley refused to listen. Of course, leave it to her never listening to me being one of the things that wouldn't change over time…
"…Ok, I'm good now" she announced as she let go of me and I could turn to face her. "Man, it's amazing what five years did for you though. You've grown a fair bit."
"Oh, joy… But yes, nice to see you too, Ash."
"Better be! You- …Wait, where's your suitcase?"
"Don't have one. Just my backpack here."
"That's all you brought?!"
"I'm only here a few days; don't move back to Canada till Feburary, remember?" I sighed. "Besides, it was hard enough to pack this without… you know."
To emphasize the point, I flopped my arms about a bit.
"Like hell I wanted to deal with a suitcase if I don't absolutely have to."
"I suppose that's fair" Ashley conceded. "Right, well, anyways, I'm starving and traffic on the 401 is going to be a right bitch, so move your ass and let's get out of here already!"
"What I was trying to say earlier" I sighed, though at this point Ashley was off in her own world, leading the way out of the airport.
"Still, while getting home is going to be a miserable experience, I am glad you're here" Ashley sighed once we finally got to the car.
"Yes, well, I can't say I mind the traffic" I laughed, unable to fully hide my nerves. "Gives me some time to… prepare myself."
"You've had months to prepare yourself though. …Are mom and dad really that terrifying?"
"Eh, mom maybe not so much" I admitted as she began the arduous task of trying to get out of the parking garage. "Dad though… yeah… Yeah, that's terrifying. I mean, mom's going to be difficult enough, but dad? …What can I even say now, after nine years? How do I even begin to explain… this?"
Again, I flopped my arms around a bit.
"Well, I don't know what you're going to say to start off, but when it comes to your hands… I mean, what else can you do except tell them the truth about what happened? Hell, you still haven't even told me how it happened yet."
"It's… it's not something I can simply tell" I hesitated.
"Well, you can't lie about it. That would be going against the whole point of all this."
"I know that! I'm not going to lie about anything either. It's just… it's a topic I'm going to have to refrain from commenting on, I suppose."
"I mean, whatever works for you. So long as you're not lying about anything, I guess it's fine. Everyone has secrets, even mom and dad."
For the next twenty minutes or so we sat in silence, listening to the music from the radio. It wasn't until we were out of the parking garage that Ashley would speak up again.
"You know we're hosting this year, right?"
"I mean, does that really matter? Either way, the whole family is going to be there, same as every other year."
"Including our family from the states" Ashley added with a grin.
"Wait, what?! Why?! They, like, never come up north, for anything!"
"Yes, well, grandma is getting old so… no one knows if this will be her last or not."
"…Is she really doing that bad?"
"So I've heard" Ashley sighed. "I haven't seen her since July though; only heard from mom."
"Damn… now I'm even more nervous…"
"Yes, well, I figured I should warn you in advance."
Ah, shit… and we were already about to get onto the highway…
"…Wait, you haven't seen anyone since you got back?"
"Oh, hell no" Ashley laughed. "I'm stuck with you all for the next few days as is! I spent all yesterday partying with my friends in Toronto, thank you very much!"
"…There even anything good in Toronto?"
"Eh… not really. Went to the aquarium, went skating, caught a movie, ordered a fuck ton of food."
"So, not any different than high school" I laughed.
"Hey, still better than what you do, or did!"
"Agree to disagree."
"Yeah, fuck you too. Can't help that I never got into clubbing."
"Hey, least we're the same in that regard."
"That just makes it worse…"
Back to silence, but I honestly didn't mind. Would give me some time to think everything over, look out the window and see what's changed over the past few years… While it was dark out, at least there wasn't any snow. Hard to believe as it may be, but the GTA doesn't really get much snow until mid to late January. Well, most of the time. On occasion there's an ice storm, but by and large, we get green Christmases even up here in Canada.
The joy of being just below the snow belt, as father would always put it.
…
…Fuck, even just thinking of something he said that isn't even about me makes me nervous.
"Hey, Ash" I broke the silence, continuing to stare out the window as we crawled down the highway.
"Yeah?"
"…Am I a bad person?"
"What" Ashley coughed. "Where is this coming from, all of a sudden?"
"Well… I know not everything I believe I remember is… fully accurate… but even so, I was undeniably a dick, when I think back on it. I guess that wasn't the best way to phrase it, but… did I ever do anything… good, you know?"
"…You know what I think" Ashley eventually spoke after a few moments of silence. "Even more than dad, you are your own worst enemy."
"That's- …Yeah, I guess I can see that…" I let out a weak laugh.
"Look, Tristan. You could be downright cruel when you wanted to. And you were, to a bunch of people."
More than you'll even know, sis…
"You were a skilled hider. Liar. Manipulator. You saw everyone as being against you, and sure, elementary and even middle school were rough for you, from what I remember, but come high school… You have to admit, most people had changed drastically from how you saw them, when it came to their stance on you."
"I mean, I guess I can't really comment on that, so I'll take your word for it."
"Sure. But anyways, yes, you could be very cruel and vindictive when you wanted to be. And you were, a lot, to anyone who you believe slighted you in even the most minute of ways. But because you were so good at hiding it, no one ever suspected it was you making their lives miserable. Neither did I, really. At least not to the extent I now know, thanks to you sharing more."
"Why everyone thought I was honest and shared with me their secrets, I'll never know" I sighed.
"Because you were good at lying and manipulating people. You were good at playing whatever role you thought you needed to play, or whatever role you thought would put you in the best position to do… whatever you wanted to do, really."
"Yeah… yeah, that's true. I guess that answers the quest-"
"But" Ashley interjected. "But… whether it was from your lying and manipulation, or you were good at lying and manipulating because of it, you saw through people easily. You understood people easily. And when you wanted to, which, granted, wasn't… often, from what I remember… but when you wanted to, you could be the kindest person in the room, easily."
"Pfft, yeah, ok" I couldn't help but laugh a little. "Definitely don't remember that, like, at all."
"No, seriously, you could be. There's a reason why everyone went to you with their problems and drama. Especially love drama. You weren't the school's matchmaker for nothing; you understood exactly what made everyone tick in certain ways, both good and bad."
"And how many of those actually worked out, eh" I rolled my eyes.
"More than you're definitely thinking. From what I've seen on twitter, plenty of them are still together, Laura and Shawn got engaged spring last year, and just this past August Julian and Shayna got married."
"…Shit, they actually got married? I confess, I didn't think those two would last more than a couple of years dating, but Julian was just so insistent that Shayna was-… Ah, well, glad it all worked out for them."
"So, to go all the way back and answer your question… Yes, you did shitty, shitty things. But you also did good things. I wouldn't say you're a bad person, at least from what I know. So, if you think you're a bad person, I think that's just you being way too hard on yourself, as usual. Regardless of everything that's happened between you and dad, which is a lot, and that's just from what I saw… at the end of the day, you really are your own, worst enemy."
"…Thanks, sis…" I muttered under my breath, and judging from the silence from her, she didn't hear me.
…But man, looking out the window… it was hard to believe I was back in Canada…
I'm coming home…
"Oh, would you look at that" Ashley would eventually break the silence. "It's snowing."
"…Well, so much for the green Christmas" I smirked as I stated noticing the lightly falling flakes as well.
"Yeah, but you have to admit Christmas just doesn't feel right without snow."
"Oh, yeah, sure" I laughed. "Tell that to our cousins from the states though!"
I'm coming home…
"…You know, I'm surprised you haven't mentioned Cameron since we stared speaking again" I continued, switching the topic.
"Yeah, well, that's because we're no longer together."
"When did that happen?"
"Couple years ago, now."
"…Dare I ask why?"
"Cheated on me."
"…"
"…"
"…Hate to say it…"
"Don't you dare-"
"…But I told you it wouldn't work out, sis."
"Fuck you" Ashley reached over and smacked me a few times, but they didn't have much force behind them, and her laughter gave away her true feelings on the matter.
Tell the world I'm coming home…
"Still, glad to see you're not hung up over it."
"Yeah, well, it hurt at the time" Ashley sighed, her laughter immediately dying out. "But had to move on eventually…"
Let the rain, wash away…
Finally, the exit ramp was in sight. Bad thing about that was were couldn't be more than ten minutes away now, and I still had no idea what I was going to say!
All the pain of yesterday…
"So… what did you tell mom and dad to explain why you'd be running late, anyways?"
"Told them I was bringing a friend to dinner after picking them up from the airport. Don't worry; may disagree with you dropping in unannounced, but if that's what it takes for this to happen at all, I wouldn't go behind your back like that and tell them it's you."
"…Right… Thanks, sis."
I know my kingdom awaits…
Nope, no traffic here, surprisingly. Would only be a couple minutes then… Still, I suppose it's nice to know that the shopping area and gas stations around here haven't changed over the years… Also, man, was our residential area always this close to the highway? And was the speed limit on our street always thirty kilometers? Could have sworn it used to be forty…
And they've forgiven my mistakes…
And the snow. It was light, but I could already see the snow beginning to dust the street and lawns of the neighboring houses. Looks like it was going to be cold enough to stay and begin to pile up. Maybe we'd have a white Christmas in the morning after all…
I'm coming home…
"-tan! Tristan!"
"Huh" I shook my head, startled by the shouting? "Yeah, what?"
"What do you mean, what? We're here. Time to get out."
"A-Ah… Right…"
"…You're visibly shaking, you know?"
"Heh… Is that really so surprising?"
"…Do you need a moment, or…?"
"N-Nah… I'll be fine. But uh… if you could just, go in first…?"
"…Sure thing."
I'm coming home…
I gave Ashley a few seconds head start before I began a slow walk up the driveway, past cars I hadn't seen in years, towards the front door. I swear, just trying to stand without shaking like a pathetic leaf was harder than anything I had to face in the Holy Grail War, let alone getting my legs to keep moving, even at this slow pace.
By the time I reached the first step, I could already hear the voices. Voices of people I hadn't seen or heard in… in so many years…
"Hey everyone, sorry I'm late!"
"Oh, you're just in time, Ash! How was the drive?"
"Hell! Ugh, traffic is so bad out there! Can't imagine what it'll be like if the snow starts really coming down…"
My mind began to shut down as I reached the front door. A front door I thought I'd never see again, in all honesty. Thankfully, the blinds to the kitchen window were down, so even on the front porch here, I couldn't be seen.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I managed to remember to kick off the snow from my shoes before entering the house, not that there was much snow to remove from them, but… I was running on autopilot now, really…
"So, where's this friend of yours?"
"Oh, he's coming. Just needed a minute, he said."
"Ohh~ Ash has a new boyfriend! You should have just said so!"
"It's not like that, Catherine! You'll see when-"
Tell the world I'm coming…
The screen door creaked as it always did when I pulled it open. Taking a deep breath, I removed my shoes before rounding the corner, where I'd be visible from the dining room, where everyone one would be.
Stunned silence… A few audible gasps… I think I heard a plate break as it hit the wood floor, but I couldn't see it. All I saw were the faces of people I'd long accepted I'd never see again. People I'd never speak to again. It all felt so… weird, standing there. Everyone looked familiar, but at the same time, not quite… right. Seeing it all felt so weird, so… so wrong… My mind shut down entirely for a moment.
It wasn't until I saw Ashley smiling at me, from way at the back of the room, that I finally managed to speak.
"H-H-Hey… everyone…" I laughed meekly out of pure nervousness, but even though I was laughing, I could feel the tears beginning to form. "I'm-"
Home.
A/N
…Wow...
I admit, looking at it now... it doesn't quite feel real yet.
But it's real. It's done. After 17ish months, and over 250K words total, excluding all the A/Ns, it's actually, finally done.
…Truly, I don't know what to say... The fact that I stuck with it this long, and actually finished it... I amaze even myself sometimes, it would seem.
Looking back on this story, as a whole... I think I can say I'm satisfied with it. Not everything turned out as well as I'd like, but fuck it, I can accept this. I can take pride in this.
Now, of course, this isn't the end for me. I have my next work already going, and the third part of the prologue for it will be going up a few hours after this. It's simply just that long a part, editing it is taking me a while longer than normal.
But yeah... what a wild journey this has been.
To all those who have stuck to the end, love it or hate it, thank you. Truly.
I can't honestly say I write for you, my readers, because I truthfully don't. But perhaps that's for the best to begin with.
Still... if this story managed to get even just one person to... see things a different way. Think about things a different way. Inspire someone to do something, anything, then maybe...
…Maybe putting up this therapeutic processing of my own memories and feelings, while certainly exaggerated and stretched, was actually worth it, y'know?