Hey, everyone! Now, I'm already back, more quickly than I expected but it was like I wanted, so I'm very happy with this. I... don't know what to say about this chapter, except that it will allow me to introduce into Infinity Crisis some pieces of media linked to a publisher I'm a big fan of and that I'm following closely for years. I hope you'll like it.
Of course, nothing here belongs to me, everything and everyone belongs to its creators.
Enjoy !
Be the shadowy guy once again.
You are now Jack English. You are still as pissed off as you were in the beginning of this entire ruckus and it will not stop. The only thing that changed from the beginning to now is that your chances to successfully kill someone are of 75% and you would like for it to be 100%. Seriously, why all these worlds you've been sent to have one chance out of three to contain impossible-to-kill pieces of crap ?
That's rich, coming from you. You already killed a bunch of people (off-screen, but still) and you're still not satisfied ?
No, you're still not. It's unlikely you will be. But right now, it's not your main focus.
You could have killed the blue hedgehog and his annoying friend if those rabbits didn't start causing a mess in the entire village. And also, if some peasant without limbs didn't punched you in the face before you got teleported again. You swear that if you manage to find how to do it yourself, you'll be back for them. You already promised that to this Italian guy in red and blue and you intend to make good on said promise.
Though, punching those rabbits, stabbing some of them in the eyes and breaking the jaws of some others was so much fun.
It doesn't explain where you are or what you're currently doing.
Oh, now, these commands start acting all annoying ? Great, you think.
You don't know in what universe you are. What you know is that you're in a district called Vodkaville and that a bunch of people with weapons that you never saw before are chasing you because of course, you couldn't help yourself but greeting civilians in your usual style of « a knife in the torso ». Actually, it was pretty entertaining to you. It was one hour since they arrived and you didn't felt bored once since. You even grinned and that was saying something.
In fact, as I speak, you offed another one of them right now. It was a redhead with a large beard and mustache, a red jacket and cap, a white t-shirt and blue jeans who introduced himself as « Cletus ». You don't know why all the people who are facing you feel the need to tell you what their names are. You could wonder if the other Jacks were doing the same but you always need to restrain yourself from thinking about them because if you don't, you think about this robotic one dressed like a gangster (Slick or something like that) and it makes your blood boil so you don't do that.
Instead, you continue to run and move in order to take these assholes by surprise. You don't even try to memorize what street leads to what portion of the district. You just have to look all around you, remember what they look like, stab any motherfucker who looks at you the wrong way (they all do, anyway) and strike when you see one of them. There were already three of them that you neutralized.
Maybe a fourth one. The Black man with a big afro nearly shot you with his tommy gun but fortunately, you managed to hide in a corner, against a wall. You wait one, two, three, five seconds and you realize that there's no noise. He has no ammo. You grin a little bit before pulling your trusted knife out of your pocket and moving forward a bit.
To your displeasure, you see a bit too late that he also moved forward and was ready to attack you. He punches you in the torso. You recoil in pain by instinct. That makes you a bit more angry. You look at him and you see that he switched up weapons. He has a knife on his hand, like you. You can't help but feel more interested, suddenly.
« Finally, there's someone who recognizes that it's the superior weapon, huh ? »
Without saying much else, your opponent and you start sparring. His gestures are fast and he doesn't hold back his punches or any of his attacks, for that matter. Which means that, for the first few seconds, he's just punching you repeatedly in the face and in the torso and you end up on the ground. But you weren't here to get flogged on and you could still fight back. You make him trip up and fall before getting back on your feet and he does the same before you can kick him.
That will not be easy.
Hey, yo, yo, wait a minute !
What ?
We don't even know what is the Earth you are showing us !
...oh. Well, one minute. We just need to go on Earth-1754, more precisely in this laboratory that, by now, you are starting to know pretty well and to bother her a bit. With hope, she will not complain for that-oh, Freddy managed to convince Doc Rattmann to feature in one of the videos, neat. Will be interesting to see the final result.
There she is. Watching her screens, once again.
The Wild Card : Stop what you're doing for two seconds and explain.
« What ? »
Oh, the way she turned her head makes me think about something. Can't quite remember, though.
« Oh, hell no. What the shit are you doing here ? We weren't supposed to interact this early. Leave me alone. »
We don't know what is the number of the Earth you introduced so we're not leaving until we have our information !
« The Earth… oh, wait, I think I know what you're talking about, let me check. »
She types a bit on her keyboard.
« Ah, found it. Aaaaaaaand of course, Jack can't help himself. I mean, of course, he can't, that's why I'm playing with his nerves a bit, hehehe… anyway, this one is Earth-2009. The Devolver-Verse, as I've called it. You'll quickly see why. Now, get out, I have things to do, there's a green idiot who just wrecked shit ! »
Go back.
Well, it went smoothly. Even if she was a bit more cranky than the last times… anyway. Back to the story.
You are… well, for starters, you don't have a name. Though, what I can say about you is that you're a Raving Rabbid. You're a member of the STUPIDEST SPECIE WHO EVER EXISTED ON ANY GIVEN EARTH. You and your fellow creatures love to MOVE AROUND, YELL LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW and CAUSE MESSES IN WAYS THAT COULD BE CONSIDERED CREATIVE IF THEY WEREN'T SO DUMB. You have the tendancy to GO WITH THE FLOW and to ENDANGER YOURSELF pretty often as a result. Fortunately, with the help of your TOON PHYSICS, you generally manage to recover from your injuries, even the worst ones who take a bit of time before healing. Also, you like PLAYING VIDEO GAMES a bit.
But right now, you and all your homies have a more urgent thing going on. You are in a universe that you don't know shit about and there's humans with very silly outfits and heavily armed who scream with very deep and gravely voices about defending America, justice and freedom and who are also attacking each and every one of you. This is very tragic.
Or, at least, it would be if you were actually able to understand the situation just a little bit and if you haven't decided to attack them in return just because they looked weird to you. Of course, none of you have weapons, just homemade costumes, your bare hands, your feet and all the lack of fear that generally define fools. Oh, and I almost forgot that you have the bodies of these guerilleros that you are using as human shields.
Fortunately for you, just because your opponents have better weapons doesn't mean they are more intelligent. Like, you can say they are, of course, but having one braincell that you share with all your compadres can already be considered as being the more intelligent of the two parties. And it allows you to do things in order to distract them.
Anonymous Rabbid #735 : Use some old talents of yours that you haven't used in years.
You start to dance in front of one blond woman wearing a yellow and black jumpsuit with a katana on her hands and one guy with black hair, a nice suit (bowtie and all) and a firearm, as well as issues with alcoholism, likely. They seem confused for some seconds but end up joining on the dance. Stayin' Alive, by the Bee Gees, starts playing in the background before being replaced by Stormzy' Vossi Bop. None of you care about any of those things and, instead, you collectively decide that you just want to vibe and dance together.
How cute.
Exactly. So, now, time for someone else !
…what, already ?
Your name is now Welltaro. You are a young boy. Or, at least, you're supposed to be a young boy but you look more like a chibi version of the Michelin Man. Something close to it. But what makes you different from a character used strictly for product placement is a little gadget that you received years ago : gunboots. It was the scientist of your village who designed them. It took him four years to perfect them and, because it's the first of its kind, he decided to host a contest in order to know who would be the bearer of these boots.
At the surprise of everyone, you won and obtained them. Not that you didn't had the abilities to gain the boots, you certainly had. It's just that being the sort of silent and introvert kid that you are, nobody expected you to even take part to this contest. Some people were jealous that you did, if the stealing attempts on the boots are any indication (there was at least five, if you remember it well). But at the end, it was the most precious item you had and it still is, today.
In fact, it's even more precious to you right now because since some hours, you are falling down a well. You don't know how the hell this cat managed to get stuck at the bottom of it but it happened. Whatever. The most important thing, right now, is that you feel that you are very close to a potential end of the well. You saw caverns, catacombs, the sea (at least, you guess it was that) and now, a sort of weird, red limbo with black blobs floating around and other weird things (and this guy who seems to have shops all over the different parts of the well, not that you would complain about it since you think he's nice) but now, now, you're close. In a minute, you'll find the cat, save him and it will be all good and you will be able to return to your home with the satisfaction of accomplishing a good thing.
At the exact moment you're thinking about that, a portal opens under your feet and you disappear.
OK, now, you're trolling us again. Can't you just told us the story without all these detours ?
It's what I'm doing. No, really, it's what I'm doing. See, the fact is that for this chapter, I have to switch up things and change the way I'm introducing new things. Because this universe in particular is one the boss lady is interested in since years and years, she is interested in its history and that's why she's watching different parts of the timeline of this universe, which she hasn't done before. So, yes, it can seem confusing but I assure you all of this has a purpose and makes sense. You'll see. Trust me on this.
Anyway. Let's move on.
Go back to the past.
You are now Sonic the Hedgehog. You just woke up in the middle of the night. That wasn't something that happened to you often. In fact, it happened less than ten times during your whole life, you was sure of that. Now, it was ten.
Your throat is dry. You instantly feel that you need to drink some water. Considering that you're tired, that means reaching your fridge will not be easy and that you will hurt your ankle. The chances of that happening were 80% at best, 95% at worst. But it was better than not drinking at all. So, you get out of bed, trying to be as quiet as you can. Your ankle hit the night table.
Yeah, your bets were right on this one.
You would laugh if it didn't hurt a bit and if you didn't already wanted to go back to sleep. You continue to walk quietly, one step after the other. You wish you weren't alone in your room but thinking that could lead you to think about another subject that you were not ready to tackle in your current state of tiredness. After one very long minute, you manage to open the door. You start going down the stairs. It takes you 30 seconds. You hope there's something in your fridge. You really hope.
When you enter your room, however, you stop thinking about your dry throat. It's suddenly way less important when you have three unannounced people who are sitting on your couches. On your left, there's a woman with a green shirt and a pink skirt wearing a horse mask. On your right, a man with a white suit (tie and all) and an owl mask. In the middle, another man wearing more urban clothes (t-shirts, ripped jeans, a red jacket) and a rooster mask. They look at you like they were waiting for you and it doesn't help to diminish the unsettling vibe that comes out of them.
« Well, who do we have here ?, says the woman in a soft voice, almost as if she wanted to reassure you. Oh, you were doing something else ? Sorry for the interruption… you can always go drink your water, we're staying here. »
The man with the owl mask sighs.
« That's pathetic. You would think someone considered as the greatest hero from this planet would plan for this but apparently, no. I would laugh if you already weren't in that state. »
His voice sounds raucous and high-pitched at the same time and is as unpleasant as his words.
« Am I seriously insulted by a trio of… what the fuck are you supposed to be, robbers or what ?, you respond in a pretty weak voice.
« Ha… robbers, retorts the man with the rooster mask. That was new. Generally, when people ask us who we are, they don't come with an hypothesis about it. »
His voice sounds more deep and laid-back than the owl one but everything in his position and the way he talks make it clear that he wasn't the type of persons to do jokes.
« But anyway. You don't know about us… but we know who you are. As for our nature… your guess is as good as ours. You may call me Richard, though. My colleagues here respond to the names of Don Juan & Rasmus. »
« Glad, you respond with sarcasm. I guess that you're not just here to sit on my couches and do nothing ? »
« Why not ?, says Richard. After all, couches are in general pretty comfortable and are a source of great memories. Not so great for the people who were living said memories, but that's not the subject. »
« The snark, it's something you started after he got imprisoned or what ? »
« If you were listening to me, Rasmus, you would have known I always did this. After all, it's all you can do when you live in the universe you live in. »
At this point, all you want to is leaving them at their banter, doing what you came here for and going back to your bed but there's a part of your brain who seems to be in vacation right now, judging by how you are standing still. Which Don Juan notices.
« Yeah, they like to do this often since we got all back together. You know, my offer still stands, I understand if that angers you. »
You rub your eyes.
« Nah. The thing that… *koff* …piss me off is that you don't even respond to anything and… you're just being confusing. »
« I object to this, Richard responds. What we say is simple to understand. But, at least, your remark got us back on track. And it allows me to tell you that… despite the fact that your efforts are useful, you're looking at it the wrong way. »
No answer for some seconds.
« Looking at what ? »
« At what you are doing right now. All of your efforts over knowing if your greatest enemy reappeared when, in fact, he's not the one you should be worrying about. »
« There's a bunch of… guys out here wrecking things on a daily basis. That doesn't really *koff* help me here. »
« Well, there's a chance they could be relevant. Or they could not. But what actually astonishes me is that the most obvious thing is not the one you're focused about, Ogilvie. »
You raise an eyebrow almost immediately after you heard that name.
« What did you- »
« This is not important. However, what is important are the three predictions I'm about to give you. Maybe that'll help you understand. »
A part of you would like to tell him to fuck off because the more he talks, the more he sounds to you like some sort of conspiracy theorist or something like that but the fact that he was able to know one of your names (and your most embarrassing one, at that) without any help makes you a bit wary and, for sure, gives credentials to the person/entity he implies himself to be.
« Number one : a shadow will strike when you don't expect it. Number two : none of what you're looking for is here. Number three : beware of the eccentric ones. »
If it wasn't clear that this guy was talking in riddles (more than his two colleagues), it was crystal clear now. And something was telling you that he wasn't willing to change what seemed to be his methods.
« That's all for now, Sonic. We'll meet again. And, hopefully, when we do, you'll be awake. See you soon… »
Richard snaps his fingers. You wake up in your bed and you realize three things : the day has already risen, you don't need to drink anything and there's probably robot armies who are already attacking.
Return to the present.
Your name is Pedro. You are what people call a VIGILANTE MAN. Your family was a famous CRIME SYNDICATE who terrorized citizens for years and you also had an IMAGINARY FRIEND with the same name as you. Said friend was also a TALKING BANANA. One day, after you spent years helping your family in their VERY MORALLY DUBIOUS ACTIVITIES and felt very torn about it, you decided you couldn't take it anymore. So, you put on a FASHIONABLE, YELLOW AND BLACK OUTFIT, you went into the butcher shop of your father, Mitch, and jammed a banana so far into your ear that it made you FORGET ALMOST EVERYTHING after you asked Banana!Pedro to help you killing yourself if you ever found out.
You eventually did. But, of course, because you couldn't remember, you couldn't really understand why would you do that. So, you fought back and ultimately, you defeated him. Your city was now free and you made sure no one would follow on their footsteps. With all of this, it seemed that you were ready to do something else, right ?
Well, technically, what you are doing is something else. It's just that you didn't want this something else to be « hey, let's bust out of a prison located in God-knows-where because you got abducted and forced to participate in games made by a bunch of crazy robot women ! ». That was a simplistic way to describe it but it was what was happening.
It was sudden. One day, you just woke up in a cell and the wardens of what seemed to be a highly-advanced private prison told you that from now on, you were a contestant for a bunch of games that the creators of said prison designed and that you didn't have a choice in the matter. And they gave you some food that was truly disgusting, if you were honest.
For a few days, you never moved from your cell and you just looked at all the other prisoners being escorted while held at gunpoint by the employees. Fortunately, they didn't took your weapons because according to what you heard, it was still useful for the games. It was a stupid move but hey, at least, it could help you. Also, you were not alone in your cell.
After a whole week, another guy got brought here and became your cellmate. He was wearing a sort of raincoat, a borsalino and a mask full of ink blots. The first thing you could realize was that he wasn't very talkative. That didn't stop you from trying to know why he was here. It was difficult, because of said lack of chattiness, but you managed to learn at least a bit about him.
He introduced himself as Rorschach and was apparently hailing from another universe. You didn't learn much about why this name, except that someone else had this name before and this someone was a patient of his father, a doctor. His parents also died. He didn't tell you why, but sometimes, when he was sleeping, you could hear some things about a « Veidt », a « Mothman » and other things like that. You didn't know what it meant and you weren't sure that asking was the best move. You were a vigilante and a man of action, but not a complete dumbass.
Finally, after waiting and waiting, both of you were finally put into one of those trials. You and Rorschach still had your weapons and a shitton of green and red, rectangular aliens rushing towards both of you. What you needed to do was to shoot these aliens and gain new weapons by touching crates. This was pretty exhausting, since you needed to move almost constantly (fortunately, with your bullet-time abilities, it was not entirely difficult), and it was in front of a large audience (who seemed to really like it, judging by the applause you got).
It lasted one hour before you went back to your cell but, this time, that gave you a better idea of what the place looked like and quickly, Rorschach told you that busting out was the only thing to do. None of you knew what the intents of the creators of this prison were but you knew that there was no reason for you to be here and that all these people looked like anything but honest persons.
Which brings us to right now. There's four of the prison guards who were out, right now. Whether they were dead or not, you can't say that you care. They collapsed after you shot them and it was the most important. There is no plan (you didn't have the time to elaborate one), what you just need is to neutralize the threats that present themselves to you and not stop running. The guards themselves are heavily armed, yes, but they don't have the agility you have and you also know how to use your fists and your feet.
So, you keep moving. You turn right and left a bunch of times. You punch other guards. You look everywhere. You know it will take a bit of time before you'll be able to find an exit (was there even an exit to this thing ?) but, at least, it was better than to rot in this cell.
« Of course, you would try to escape. We just knew it. »
The voice that just spoke sounds robotic but also expressive (in this case, annoyed to no end). You turn your head to face its source and see just in front of you a woman with a grey, metallic skin, yellow eyes without irises and long, white hair (you suspect it's a wig), wearing a long, black dress and a red leather jacket. If M. Weyer was writing this, he would probably call her "attractive". And he would be right.
You recognize her for being the announcer during the game (seven other women were alongside her, all similar to her in appearance and outfits except for the colors of their respective jackets). She gives both of you the same type of look that a disappointed mother would give her children after they did something bad.
« Hurm. »
« Oh, don't try to « hurm » me, citizen of Earth-131515185. You seriously thought we wouldn't consider this possibility ? Sure, you have knocked out some of our men but it's nothing. They'll be here in a few seconds. One minute, if you're lucky. So, I'm giving you two one chance. You return to your cell immediately or I'm firing upon you. Believe me when I say that what my sisters have prepared for those who are too weak to continue entertaining us is not something you want. »
You look at Rorschach. Rorschach looks at you. You look at the robot woman.
« Sorry, but no, you say. You and your sisters are bad people. We don't serve bad people. »
Her only reaction is to sigh and pull off a gun out of her pocket, her facial expression slowly distorting into an angry grin.
« God, of course, it would be some goody two-shoes… well, fine, if it's what you want- »
Her speech is immediately interrupted when a portal opens just above her and something falls upon her, knocking her out. Both of you are very surprised but, of course, with your masks on, no one can see it. You can also see that what knocked out your enemy was, in fact, another being. Short, a skin as white as the snow, two black eyes without irises and a pair of boots. The newcomer looks at you, clearly not understanding what is going on.
You and Rorschach don't waste any more second. You start running again, taking the new guy with you. Another guards would come, it was only a matter of seconds before it would happen. Turning to the left, turning to the right, checking everywhere, not being too disturbed by the alarms who started ringing…
« Hey ! »
Another voice is suddenly calling you, a masculine one this time. You turn around and start facing a curious being, short, pudgy, entirely dressed in red and blue and with a red cap sporting a « M ». You could have guessed instantly who it was… if this being wasn't lacking eyes and a mustache. Though, you note that not having eyes at all didn't seem to bother him.
« Yeah, you two, he continues with urgency in his voice. Come with me ! »
You and Rorschach stand still because honestly, what the fuck is this dude ?
« Wait, who are you ?, you ask.
« You can call me Stanley, but that's not important. What is important is that you need to come with me… if you want to live. And to prepare yourselves for what is to come. »
Aaaaaaand that's it ! Again, it was a lot... but it could have been worse. In fact, there was several scenes originally planned for this chapter that were ultimately cut because I reminded myself I wanted to release shorter chapters. Don't panic, they will be repurposed for another chapter in the series so no, this will not be a case of aborted arcs.
In regards to the timeline, most of this stuff happens after Chapter 3 and nearly at the same time, except Sonic' convo with Richard and his pals, which happens just before Chapter 3.
And in regards to the characters and things that are referenced : the different settings, barring the prison at the end, are the ones of (respectively) Not A Hero, Broforce & Downwell, with the characters from Hotline Miami & My Friend Pedro being displaced (the three pals with animal masks did it willingly, Pedro... not so willingly).
The Rorschach presented here is NOT Walter Kovacs, but Reggie Long, his successor introduced in the DC Rebirth era and all of his backstory prior to Doomsday Clock is canon (though, the event itself did not happened. Would be difficult to make it fit) and the guy who looks like Mario but with a blank face is the Textureless Mario Anomaly, also known as Stanley, who is (at worst) one of the many versions of the AI personnalizing cartridges of Super Mario 64 (y'know, the "Every copy of Mario 64 is personnalized" urban legend on the (in)famous iceberg). If you want to know more about Stanley, go check Super Mario 64 CLASSIFIED, by Greenio (or check the TVTropes page for it).
That's all for now. For the rest, thank you again for following me onto this journey and I can already promise you that the next chapter will turn everything on its head, no more, no less... and I hope you'll be here with me when it will happen. See you next time !