Chapter 45

Four pov

Marlene offers to read the next chapter.

TOBIAS'S HEAD TURNS, and his dark eyes shift to me. His eyebrows draw in. He stands. He looks confused. He raises his gun.

"You're in trouble." Zeke says.

I'm tense. I know that I should prepare for the worst. I'm not stupid. I know I could easily overpower Tris if I wanted too. There is no chance she could beat me in a fight. I just never would.

Please don't kill her, please.

"Drop your weapon," he says.

"Tobias," I say, "you're in a simulation."

"Drop your weapon," he repeats. "Or I'll fire."

Jeanine said he didn't know me. Jeanine also said that the simulation made Tobias's friends into enemies. He will shoot me if he has to.

Please don't.

I can barely handle shooting the person in my fear landscape. Let alone if it was Tris I shot. I don't think I would recover from that.

I set my gun down at my feet.

"Drop your weapon!" shouts Tobias.

"I did," I say. A little voice in my head sings that he can't hear me, he can't see me, he doesn't know me. Tongues of flame press behind my eyes. I can't just stand here and let him shoot me.

I'd prefer if she shot me.

"Come on Tris." Uriah shouts.

I run at him, grabbing his wrist. I feel his muscles shift as he pinches the trigger and duck my head just in time. The bullet hits the wall behind me.

I flinch, almost feeling no relief that I missed. More focused on the fact that I actually shot at her.

"That is just pure luck." Marlene states incredulously.

Gasping, I kick him in the ribs and twist his wrist to the side as hard as I can. He drops the gun.

"That's impressive." Shauna states "You actually managed to do something. Not many people can even get that far."

I can't beat Tobias in a fight. I know that already. But I have to destroy the computer. I dive for the gun, but before I can touch it, he grabs me and wrenches me to the side.

"I don't think anyone can." Max states.

"It really is a suicide mission." Tori adds.

Not helping. This is just reminding me of the odds. I'm hurting her. I might kill her. The thought alone makes me feel like I may be sick.

I stare into his dark, conflicted eyes for an instant before he punches me in the jaw.

I flinch again. Letting go of Tris almost completely. Ignoring her concerned look. She sits next to me leaning on me.

"If the serum switches who he thinks his friends and enemies are then why would he be conflicted?" Will asks.

"It seems like the serum is mostly confusing him." Tori replies. "Or maybe it's Tris who just confuses him."

My head jerks to the side and I cringe away from him, flinging my hands up to protect my face. I can't fall; I can't fall or he'll kick me, and that will be worse, that will be much worse. I kick the gun back with my heel so he can't grab it and, ignoring the throbbing in my jaw, kick him in the stomach.

Don't fall. Don't fall. She can't hold herself against you forever. My mind taunts me.

He catches my foot and pulls me down so I fall on my shoulder.

Why? Why? Why?

"Ouch," Zeke says.

The pain makes my vision go black at the edges. I stare up at him. He pulls his foot back like he's about to kick me, and I roll onto my knees, stretching my arm out for the gun. I don't know what I'll do with it. I can't shoot him, I can't shoot him, I can't. He is in there somewhere.

Just shoot me. Please just shoot me.

He grabs me by my hair and yanks me to the side. I reach back and grab his wrist, but he's too strong and my forehead smacks into the wall.

He is in there somewhere.

"You know in some strange way this is cute." Shauna says everyone stares at her dumbfounded. "What? It's one of the most obvious moments so far about Tris' feelings. And she believing he is still in there. It's kind of cute. Minus the fight obviously."

"Tobias," I say.

Did his grip falter?

Did it? She said my name, maybe that's enough to confuse me. Maybe she can get me to snap out of it. I hold on to that tiny thread of hope. It's Tris. You love her. Maybe just maybe that will be enough.

I twist and kick back, my heel hitting him in the leg. When my hair slips through his fingers, I dive at the gun and my fingertips close around the cool metal. I flip over onto my back and point the gun at him.

"Tobias," I say. "I know you're in there somewhere."

But if he was, he probably wouldn't start toward me like he's about to kill me for certain this time.

And all of a sudden any little bit of hope I had is gone. Don't kill her. Don't kill her. Don't kill her.

My head throbs. I stand.

"Tobias, please." I am begging. I am pathetic. Tears make my face hot. "Please. See me." He walks toward me, his movements dangerous, fast, powerful. The gun shakes in my hands. "Please see me, Tobias, please!"

Please see her.

Even when he scowls, his eyes look thoughtful, and I remember how his mouth curled when he smiled.

I can't kill him. I am not sure if I love him; not sure if that's why. But I am sure of what he would do if our positions were reversed. I am sure that nothing is worth killing him for.

My heart quite literally hurts. I'm about to kill her, I hurt her, and she won't kill me. She might actually love me.

I have done this before—in my fear landscape, with the gun in my hand, a voice shouting at me to fire at the people I love. I volunteered to die instead, that time, but I can't imagine how that would help me now. But I just know, I know what the right thing to do is.

No. No. No.

Don't.

It's honestly useless my internal protests. I know her. She would no doubt die for the people she cares about.

My father says—used to say—that there is power in self-sacrifice.

I turn the gun in my hands and press it into Tobias's palm.

NO.

Don't kill her. Don't kill her.

Please. Don't kill her.

I think the others say something but I don't really hear it. It just seems muffled in my mind. Drowned out by the sound of my pounding heart.

He pushes the barrel into my forehead. My tears have stopped and the air feels cold as it touches my cheeks. I reach out and rest my hand on his chest so I can feel his heartbeat. At least his heartbeat is still him.

I feel like any air I had has been stolen from my lungs, and I have to remind myself to breathe.

The bullet clicks into the chamber. Maybe it will be as easy to let him shoot me as it was in the fear landscape, as it is in my dreams. Maybe it will just be a bang, and the lights will lift, and I will find myself in another world. I stand still and wait.

Can I be forgiven for all I've done to get here?

I don't know. I don't know.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Please no.

Don't die.

Please.

"End of chapter."

That only makes it worse. What does that mean? Is she okay? What happened?

Please. Be okay. Please.