Chapter 35: To Thine Own Self Be True

Her most recent experience had shown Elizabeth what a burden it was to have secrets; the irksome, difficult task of carrying a secret as Darcy had done, or becoming a party to it as she had become were none of them enviable.

Therefore, it was only fitting that Jane would introduce her to the giddy, exciting, happy side of keeping a secret – Mr. Bingley had proposed to her at Chatsworth! And Jane had accepted! While it was quite impossible to be more elated than Jane herself was, Elizabeth credited herself as being almost as delighted as Jane herself over the news. As it happened, the happy couple had also agreed that their engagement would remain a secret until Mr. Bennet's approval was sought and granted. Accordingly, only Elizabeth and Darcy were in their confidence, though she privately wondered about others guessing the obvious. The sheer joy felt by Jane and Mr. Bingley could not be disguised, no matter how much they tried to hide it.

Quite expectedly, Mr. Bingley did not waste any time; the very day after returning from Chatsworth, he left Pemberley in order to obtain Mr. Bennet's approval. Elizabeth was surprised that Darcy did not accompany him; Jane made it known that Mr. Bingley would have preferred his friend to accompany him, but Darcy had felt otherwise.

"I believe Mr. Darcy stayed behind to be closer to you," Jane stated. They had been speaking at length about Jane's engagement, but now her sister seemed ready to move on to a different topic.

Elizabeth smiled, but said nothing. She was in fact hoping that her sister was correct.

"Lizzy, you have been very quiet, but things seem much improved between yourself and Mr. Darcy. Am I imagining this, or are matters truly on the mend between you both?"

"It feels so different now, from those awful days when there seemed to be no way forward," Elizabeth admitted. "I truly believe that we are past our differences, Jane."

"Do you remember, when you thought you would have a bland and respectful marriage?"

Elizabeth nodded sheepishly.

"You told Charlotte that you and Mr. Darcy would have intelligent discourse and a sensible marriage."

"I did, and goodness, how terrible that sounds now! Not just about my future marriage, but poor Charlotte must have thought I was putting down her union with our cousin," she exclaimed.

"Well, you can always apologise to her," Jane reasoned. "You are no longer upset that Mr. Darcy did not trust you?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "We are past all that!"

"Dearest, do you think you can be happy with Mr. Darcy?"

"I have not the slightest doubt that I can. That I shall."

"Does he know that you know that?"

"How could he not?"

To Elizabeth's surprise, Jane sounded cautious. "Mr. Darcy seems more chastened now than when we first met him. At least he seemed so when he spoke with me. I wonder if he is as reassured in you as you believe."

Elizabeth wanted to protest, but felt that her sister was not entirely wrong. Matters had certainly improved and were better than they had been for the longest time. But there was an undercurrent of something that Elizabeth could not quite piece together.

At Chatsworth, she had asked that she be an equal party to the important decisions that Darcy would make. He had agreed unequivocally, but there was the evocation of some other feeling that Elizabeth could not place. She had in fact asked him if there was something the matter, something making him sad, but Darcy had waved away her questions, stating that he was relieved to be moving forward.

And yet, Jane's thoughts brought back Elizabeth's own wonderings. Was he worried that she was not happy?

Lower lip quivering, Georgiana's eyes filled with tears. Darcy could not bear to see her so sad, but this was a conversation that needed to be had. He was through with keeping an endless array of secrets, and moreover, he had to tell Georgiana before his own heart was broken into a thousand pieces.

That did not make this conversation any easier.

"But…I don't understand! Why would you do this?! We are all so happy, and I don't understand why you want to ruin it all! Don't you love her?" Georgiana wailed.

"Of course I do!"

"Then why would you ruin it all?!"

"Georgie, dearest, you must calm yourself," Darcy said soothingly. "Nothing has been said so far, nothing has been done. You are working yourself up for no reason."

"But your plan is to allow Miss Elizabeth to break your engagement?"

He could not look at her. "If she wishes to, then yes."

"Why? How? I cannot understand this! You say you love her. You know that I adore her! Why would you then let her leave?"

"Georgiana, she has not, in fact, left. I am yet to speak to Miss Elizabeth."

"Why would you speak to her at all? Why give her any choice in the matter?"

"Georgiana, this engagement was not one she entered into willingly."

"What does that matter, if she is now happy?" Georgiana interrupted mutinously. Her anger had temporary halted her tears.

"Be reasonable, dearest. No one told her about the betrothal, she did not know me at all, and was forced into this engagement because of her family circumstances. Elizabeth did not come to Pemberley out of any genuine choice of her own. Imagine that it had happened to you; would you not want to have some say over your own future?"

Georgiana looked at him as if he had taken leave of his senses. "Of course not! I am not capable of making good choices, and it is an obvious fact that my family would make decisions that are best for me, with my well-being at heart. I would happily live with any decisions you made on my behalf. Miss Elizabeth is happy here! You can see that she is, even I can see that she is! I cannot comprehend why you would give her a choice to make herself less happy than she is now, and with that also taking with her both of our happiness. I cannot comprehend this," she declared, walking away from him. Georgiana stared out the window, straining to keep her body from shaking.

Darcy rubbed his temples in frustration. He let her be alone for a few moments, before moving to stand next to his sister. He put his arm around her shoulders, and was encouraged when she let him. "You made one mistake. We have all made mistakes. I have certainly made my own share of errors regarding the same person. Georgiana, you know that I will give you anything you want, and as much time as you need to put behind you what happened. But you cannot forego responsibility for your own life because of one youthful indiscretion. You gravely mistake me if you think I have taken over control of your life in such a manner. I will step in if I feel I must, but your life is yours to live. You must make your own choices."

"But I don't trust myself," Georgiana uttered in a small voice.

He kissed the top of her head. "I know Georgie, I know. In time, you will learn to trust yourself. We all make mistakes – even significant ones. Strength of character lies in our ability to learn from them and become better people. As you become older and wiser, you will not appreciate giving away your entire freedom to your brother."

Georgiana leaned against him silently.

"We are all just people, we are not be fearless. I know that I am not, I am as afraid as you are of doing the wrong thing and making the wrong choice. But I must try. We both must. We must strive to be brave. We must face our fears and do our best to climb over it. I have realised that it was wrong to take away Elizabeth's choice. She deserves the right to control her own destiny as much as anybody else."

"But you would be happy marrying her as things are."

"She would not be happy. I cannot be so selfish if I can help it."

"You would really do this?"

"I want to give her the choice that should have been hers to begin with."

Georgiana sighed in quiet commiseration. "This is truly what you wish for?"

"I wish for Elizabeth to be happy."

"What do you wish for?"

"I wish that she loved me."

"I am certain that she does!"

"Even if she does, she will value the choice she was robbed of more."