The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World Chapter 33: You'll Carry That Weight, an evangelion fanfic

Chapter 33 – You'll Carry That Weight

Shinji couldn't remember disembarking his Eva when he'd returned to NERV headquarters or drifting through the hallways until he reached the medical ward. He couldn't remember if anyone had said anything to him on the way there or if anyone had said anything to him once he was there. In his state of mind he couldn't have cared anyway. He was nearly catatonic, the image of his friend's broken body that had been burned into his retinas was all he could focus on. He'd only managed to catch a brief glimpse of Touji as he was being wheeled into surgery but shortly after that was when his hearing had started working again.

Through the door to the operating room her could hear the beeping of machines, the chattering of voices, frantic in their nature. That clued him in as to just how bad Touji's injuries really were. He felt so woozy and he slumped against the wall before sliding down to the floor, tucking his head into his knees and digging his fingers into his scalp. He wanted to weep but he'd shed all the tears he had in his entry plug. The weight of what he'd done, what he'd done with his own two hands felt like it was going to crush him, just like how he'd crushed Touji...

He didn't know how long it was that he sat there on the floor. Time was relative. It could have five minutes or five hours, it was all the same to him. He was in too much of a daze to care anyway. All he knew was that when those doors opened once again he instinctively shot to his feet.

There was Touji on a stretcher surrounded by medical personnel, all sorts of tubes and wires coming off of him. He had a breathing tube down his throat, so many intravenous lines, electrodes... it was very much a shocking sight. The worst of it, even worse than the fact he was missing a leg now, was just... how his face looked. It was black and blue all over with a jagged line of stitches all along the side of his head. The sight disgusted him and made him want to vomit, not because he was squeamish, but because he'd caused this. This was the end result of what he'd done... Shinji followed the stretcher along until the staff wheeled it into a recovery room of some kind. Only then did he find words to speak. "Is... is he g- going to be o- okay?" he stammered weakly.

The supervising doctor turned to him with a stoic expression. "It awaits to be seen," the man said. "We've done what we can. Now we wait and see if he'll pull through."

Shinji's heart twisted in his chest. This was not what he wanted to hear. His breath caught in his throat as he tried to think of what to say. "Wh- wh- what, uh, ho- how bad i- is it?" he stuttered desperately, balling his fists and staring down at the white tile floor. "His injuries..."

There was a long pause before the doctor responded, or at least it felt like an eternity. "He's lost his leg, as you probably saw," the man replied. "Compound fractures of both femurs and pelvis, seven ribs shattered, both lungs punctured, massive cranial trauma including fractures and hemorrhaging in the brain. Pilot Suzuhara is currently in a coma, breathing via a respirator. As I said, time will tell if he'll recover, and how much he'll recover."

Shinji didn't know what to say to this. The laundry list of injuries he'd caused his friend at his own hand was too much to take. He didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to believe this was happening. Why had it come to this!? The tears he'd thought had dried up returned with a vengeance and he did the only thing he could, something he truly resented himself for. He should have stayed at the hospital. He should have at least gone to check on Rei, she'd been hurt too, but no... he couldn't bring himself to face anyone after what he'd had to do.

Shinji Ikari took off and ran down the hallway. He had to go home. He had to get away from this horrible reality. Part of him hoped that when he got back to Misato's apartment that he would just... wake up in his bed and it would all be a dream... but deep down he knew that wasn't possible. The next best thing would be to curl up in a ball with his cassette player and try to block out all the horrible feelings of guilt, regret, and sorrow that he was experiencing...

Asuka was in a mood. She was in a very bad mood. She'd been examined and discharged within hours of being picked up by a recovery team. Her injuries were minor after all. What had happened after that had been a... difficult thing to put into perspective or accept.

From what the nurses and other stupid staff in the medical wing had told her, Shinji had nearly killed Touji when the Angel core had tried to take control of Rei's Eva. From what she'd been told he'd fled from headquarters after his friend had undergone surgery without so much as visiting Rei. This pissed her off. To not even bother going to see a girl he supposedly cared so much about, that he'd rejected her in favor of, and run away like a little bitch that was infuriating!

Then again... she'd punched out of her Eva in terror in the early stages of the battle so who was she to talk about being a coward...

She'd checked in on Rei after that but she'd been sleeping so she'd just gone home. From what she could gather from the medical staff Misato was alive and well, barely injured and taking care of the cleanup after the battle. That was good she supposed. Even though she was jealous of Misato for winning Kaji over she was still her guardian, even if she hated her for having that status...

She'd gone home and expected to be able to have a bit of rest but... that wasn't the case. The first thing she did after stepping into the house was make sure that Shinji was actually there. Even if her feelings surrounding him and Rei were... conflicted it didn't mean she wasn't concerned for him. If everything she'd heard about in regards to the battle was to be believed she expected him to be acting stupid ad irrational. That was sort of half the case. He was in his room, on his bed, curled into the fetal position, and he just... wouldn't respond to anything she'd tried to say to him.

This was concerning. She'd seen him mope about before but seeing him just about completely catatonic was something else. It honestly unnerved her. Then again... if she'd had to do what he'd done to someone like Hikari or Rei she'd probably be feeling and acting some kind of fucked up too.

Now she was laying awake in bed in the middle of the night, staring up at the ceiling mulling over everything that had happened earlier in the day up until this point, her mood deteriorating the more she thought about those events. All sorts of questions danced in her mind. Why couldn't she have won? Why did she get so frightened? Why did Shinji have to endure nearly killing his friend? What gave Rei the courage to do what she did? How was she taking the events of what happened?

All of these questions had potential answers that she didn't want to think about...

Her cell phone rang and she sat up and regarded it where it lay on the top of the desk in the room. Who the hell could be calling at such a late hour? She reached over and answered it. "Hello?"

"Asuka, it's me, Misato," came the answer over the line.

"Hey," Asuka replied, hunching over and her pulse quickening. She remembered hearing she'd been hurt... "Are you okay? How bad did you get hurt?"

"Nothing that bad," Misato returned. "They patched me up at an aid station NERV set up near Matsushiro. None of us over here got hurt all that bad. How about you? Are you okay?"

Asuka frowned. Physically she was alright but mentally she was a steaming ball of angst. Maybe if she had been better than useless during the battle then she'd actually be alright in that regard... "Yeah," she replied. "I'm fine. Everything is... fine."

Misato didn't miss a beat. "Where is Shinji?" she asked. "I heard he left the hospital. Is he home? He hasn't run away has he?"

She had to force down an angry snarl upon hearing that. Of course her main concern would be focused on Shinji and Shinji alone... "Yeah," she bit back, trying not to sound pissed. "He's at home now."

"How is he?" Misato asked.

"He's... not well," Asuka replied. "He's pretty much shut down, won't talk to me, just laying in bed listening to his music right now."

She heard Misato sigh on the other end of the line. "I suppose he's been through a lot today..." she murmured. "I won't be home for another day or so. I have to oversee the cleanup operation still. Tell him I'm sorry about what happened, okay?"

Asuka balled her fist. Where was this level of concern for her? Yeah, she hadn't gotten it as rough as Shinji but she was still part of what transpired! "How come you just can't take an evening and tell him yourself?" she grumbled.

"Unfortunately it's not that easy," Misato replied.

Asuka snorted. "Yeah," she huffed. "I bet it isn't."

There was a pause before Misato continued. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you're okay," she returned warmly. "All three of you kids went through a lot. Try not to let it weigh on you too much, alright?"

Asuka sighed. It seemed like no matter what Misato just... couldn't understand how she was feeling. Nobody could... "Yeah," she replied before hanging up. "I won't..."

She set the phone down and flopped back onto her bed, resuming her staring contest with the ceiling. Maybe once Rei woke up she could talk to her about all of this... her blue haired friend was usually pretty good at putting things into perspective.

Rei awoke in a hospital recovery room and the first thing she noticed were the bandages on her arm and leg. As she got her bearings, staring up at the florescent light on the ceiling, the memories of the previous day's events came rushing back like a tsunami.

She'd lost against Unit 03. She'd been injured fighting it. She watched Shinji try to fight it and be choked just like he had before. She'd gotten Suzuhara's entry plug out of Unit 03 so Shinji could destroy the Angel. Then... after all that... the core had manifested inside the entry plug and Shinji had to crush it.

Fear and anxiety surged in her veins. Did Suzuhara survive? How was Shinji? Where was Shinji? Was Dr. Akagi still alive or had she perished when the Matsushiro testing sight had exploded? What had happened since she'd been brought in for treatment!? She shot up in bed, eyes wide, her body aching in protest. She swung her legs off of the bed but her ankle, the one suffering from sympathetic pains due to her Eva's leg being torn off, gave out and sent her hurtling toward the floor. She closed her eyes and braced for impact but it never came... a hand had caught her before the crash and she felt a body bracing against her own to steady her.

"Jesus Christ, Wonder-girl!" Asuka's voice rang in her ears. "What's gotten into you?"

She looked to her left and Asuka was there, looking down at her with her nose scrunched up and her brow knit in what looked like a mix of concern and annoyance. Rei once again tried to stand, her arm and leg sending throbbing pain through her body. "Where is Shinji?" she asked, biting back a yelp of pain.

Asuka scowled and looked away from her. "He's at home," she replied, her tone turning decisively bitter as she moved her forcefully back toward the bed. "And for God's sake, stop trying to stand up..."

Rei let herself sit down even though she didn't want to. There was so much she needed to know. She needed to know how Suzuhara was doing. She needed to see Shinji... "What is the condition of Suzuhara and where is Shinji?" she asked, trying to collect herself.

Asuka huffed and crossed her arms. "Is that all you're concerned about?" she practically spat. "No thought to whether I was injured or not? What a friend you are..."

Rei fought to steady her breathing and steadied herself but the way Asuka was acting made her feel very cold. It reminded her too much of the Asuka she knew in the other world... "Are you injured?" she asked.

Asuka heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm not, thanks for asking..." she replied with a deep frown. "Some friend you are..."

Rei could tell from the way she said it that she was actually offended or hurt. She felt just a little guilty about that. It was a bit rude not to have asked about her well being and jumped right to asking about Shinji's but... even thinking about what Shinji was feeling right now caused her heart to ache. She felt so guilty that she couldn't prevent what happened... "I'm sorry if I offended you..." she murmured in reply, bowing her head slightly. "I am glad you're alright. I just... feel... guilty..."

Asuka seemed to relax a bit. "Why do you feel guilty?" she asked. "I mean, as bad as things went we still won."

Rei closed her eyes for a moment and drew a deep breath. She needed to center herself before saying it aloud... "Because... because I couldn't prevent what happened..." she replied.

Asuka regarded her with a somber expression. "I... I get it..." she returned softly. "What happened was really screwed up. As for Shinji, he's at home. He's been there ever since the battle... He's pretty fucked up to be honest with you."

She bit her lip. This wasn't good. To think that Shinji might have had to kill her friend all because she'd convinced Dr. Akagi to refuse installation of the Dummy Plug was... painful. That sense of guilt intensified. Her thoughts then drifted to the one other person involved in the battle and to all the others who may have been effected. "What happened to Suzuhara?" she asked. "And Dr. Akagi?"

"I'm sure Dr. Akagi is fine," Asuka huffed in reply. "Misato said no one in Matsushiro got it that bad. Touji on the other hand is..."

Rei's eyes widened and her heart dropped like a stone. "Is he... alive?" she asked, unwilling or unable to bring herself speak the word dead...

Asuka shook her head. "No," she returned. "At least... not yet. He's pretty bad right now. Apparently last night he went through a lot of surgeries and he lost a lot of blood beforehand. They've got him on a ventilator. They say his odds are about fifty fifty at this moment."

She felt sick. A coin toss... that was the odds Suzuhara had of living or dying. Rei could only imagine how Shinji was feeling... "Does Shinji know?" she asked.

Asuka scowled. "He knows enough..." she replied.

Rei hid her eyes behind her bangs and stared down at the tile floor, pulling her arms across her chest to try and quell the unpleasant emotions that were pulling at her heart. "I see..." she murmured softly, knowing exactly what Asuka's words meant. From those words she knew that Shinji was probably a complete wreck at present...

Tears began welling up in her eyes and she gripped her fists so tight that they hurt. What was Shinji thinking or feeling right now? Would he consider leaving Tokyo 3 like he had in her memories? Rei felt her body starting to shake and she fought back the tears. She needed to talk to him. She needed to see him. She needed to reassure him. She needed to just... be near him... but she couldn't do that. She was stuck in this ugly, white, barren room until the medical staff decided to discharge her...

"Hey, are you good?" Asuka's voice shook her from her thoughts.

Rei looked up at her friend and noted her genuinely concerned expression before looking away once more. She needed to breathe. She needed to calm herself, letting herself break down right now wouldn't help anything... "I'll be okay..." she replied just above a whisper, blinking away her tears.

Asuka shifted on her feed and began stepping toward the exit of the room. "Don't worry," she said as she paused in the doorway, her voice sounding a bit bitter. "You can go and see him soon..." After that she was gone.

Rei sat there on her bed, staring down at the tile floor of the hospital room, trying her best to retain her composure. In all the lives that she'd lived she couldn't remember ever feeling so very alone...

Asuka stalked down the hall away from Rei's room, her teeth clenched in frustration and impotent anger. Visiting her had done just about the opposite of what she'd hoped to accomplish. Though it was pretty selfish, it would have been nice if she could have confided in her friend her brand new worries about her abilities and confidence in herself in combat but that hadn't happened. Instead Rei had been barely concerned about anyone other than Shinji and anything other than her own misplaced guilt surrounding what Shinji had to do... It pissed her off.

She hated that no one seemed to understand! She hated that no one and spared words of encouragement to ease her humiliating loss to that blasted Angel! She hated that even if they had they probably wouldn't have done a damned thing to make her feel better! She was just... a stewing pool of anger and frustration and self loathing. She hated that most of all...

She grit her teeth as she stomped down the hallway. Next time she wouldn't lose. Next time she would fight on to the death if need be. Next time she would kill her enemy no matter what it took. That was the only way she could feel better about abandoning her friends in a fit of fear. That was the only way that she could one again attain that status she held for herself as the best Eva pilot in the world...

"I swear to God, next time I'm in the cockpit I won't flinch..." she growled to herself. "Even if it kills me..."

Ritsuko's head still throbbed from the impact of whatever that had gone flying during the previous day's explosion. Even so, she counted herself lucky that she hadn't been killed or grievously injured. Even though the visions she'd seen in Rei's memories showed she hadn't been injured very badly in that timeline it was still a bit of a scare waking up dazed and ears ringing knowing what could have happened. Regardless of that, her head still hurt and her anxiety was at an all time high. The tightness of the bandages around her head weren't helping that and neither was the sight spread out before her...

Perhaps to keep herself occupied and perhaps out of a lingering sense of duty, she was helping to oversee the... removal of the eviscerated corpse of Unit 03, its entry crushed plug, and the severed body parts of Unit 00. It was truly a sight to behold... entrails splattered about, limbs strewn around in grotesque positions, blood... blood everywhere. Even worse than the sight was the smell. It smelled like death. It was hard not to gag but she was managing, she had a strong constitution for such things. Besides, she'd seen worse in those visions of the potential future in Rei's memory files...

Her focus on of all this was lost upon noticing footsteps coming up beside her. There stood Misato beside her with her arm in a sling, staring out at the devastation with a pensive expression. It was ironic, Ritsuko thought to herself, the fact that she'd tried to shield her friend and she'd still gotten it worse than she had... "How are you holding up?" she asked.

"Well enough," Misato replied in a tone of obviously forced stoicism. "I'm not hurt enough to not do my job."

Ritsuko frowned. "Have you gone home and seen Shinji yet?" she asked.

Misato sighed, her stoic expression faltering and forming a frown. "I haven't..." she replied. "I... I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what I could say to him that would be of any consolation."

Ritsuko understood exactly where she was coming from. Truly, it was a heavy burden that Shinji would have to carry from now on, forever... "Poor kid..." she muttered. "To think he had to do something like that at his age..."

"Yeah..." Misato returned. "That's exactly it... I tried calling him and he won't pick up and from what Asuka told me he's completely destroyed..."

Ritsuko couldn't help but worry. According to Rei's memories of that other timeline, after this battle Shinji had quit being a pilot but had returned when the next Angel had attacked. Part of her worried that after this he would quit and never return. After all, in that timeline the Dummy Plug had been what destroyed the Angel, not him, thus absolving him of any real guilt...

Then again... Rei and Shinji hadn't been very close in that reality, at least not compared to how they were now. Once Rei was discharged from the hospital later on in the day she would surely visit him. Perhaps seeing her, the person whom he'd saved via his actions, would help him get past this event... "You know..." she replied. "There is a little bit of a silver lining. If he hadn't acted as he did then Rei would have been killed."

Misato nodded. "This is true," she returned. "But it might not be enough for Shinji-kun... by the way, how is Suzuhara?"

Ritsuko's frown deepened. Misato had a good point that it might not be enough, especially with Touji Suzuhara's current medical condition... "It's unclear at the moment," she replied, her tone becoming gravely serious. "If he's lucky then he'll pull through but it could still go either way."

Misato scowled. "Injuring, maybe killing one friend to save another..." Misato returned. "That's a not an easy pill to swallow."

Ritsuko mirrored her friend's expression. "That it isn't," she replied.

Her friend had no way of knowing just how dangerous a situation they were all in. If Shinji quit piloting and failed to return then they were screwed, pending the next Angel was the same one in Rei's memories of the other reality. It was decided... she would convene with Rei as soon as possible and see what could be done about making sure Shinji continued to pilot the Eva. Considering the cleanup operation would be lasting another two or three days that might be a while. During that time anything could happen. Until then she could only hope that Shinji would remain in Tokyo 3. The fate of the world rested on him doing so...

"You should speak with him you know," Fuyutsuki stated as he moved a tile on the board. "Perhaps it will be good for the both of you."

Gendo stared at the board and the positions of the pieces in round of Shogi himself and Fuyutsuki were currently jousting over in his office, his hands clasped in front of his face as per usual. He'd been able to focus very little on the game at hand but Fuyutsuki's question had made that even worse. The situation surrounding his son was clouding his thoughts...

From the reports of his various eyes around NERV and Tokyo 3 his son had fallen into an acute depression following the events of the last battle. This was exceedingly troubling for a multitude of reasons, first and foremost any potential reluctance to fight the Angels going forward. That was the most important issue... but somehow that weighed less on him than the boy's general welfare. This was concerning for many reasons...

It was strange to think in terms like this but that damned sense of sentimentality he was always fighting was winning its fight against his constitution and logical nature. He was genuinely concerned for his son after what he'd been required to do on the field of battle. Part of him wanted to reach out to his son and try his hand and consoling him but he knew there was no point. There was no words he could say that could alleviate that guilt he must be feeling. That only made his own guilt more unpleasant to grapple with. There was so much he could have done to avoid putting the burden of the outcome of the previous battle on his son's shoulders...

He should have pressured Dr. Akagi more in regards to readying the dummy system so it could have been used aboard Unit 01. He should have better coordinated the Evas so they could have intercepted the target together. He should have pulled strings to deny Unit 03's transfer all together. No matter what way he analyzed the situation the blame he felt landed squarely on his shoulders for what happened. Worst of all, deep down in his icy heart he knew that Yui would be incredibly disappointed that he'd let such an experience befall their son... Unfortunately, given the tenuous nature of their relationship and how he'd almost irreparably damaged it the last time he'd tried to reach out to his son after a major negative event it was probably for the best if he were to wait for him to make the first move.

Then again... his son might just decide to leave the city considering the kind of person he was. That would be catastrophic if Dr. Akagi couldn't get the Dummy System ready aboard Unit 01 or was rejected by Yui should she try to pilot it. Truly, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place as one might say...

"You're hesitating," Fuyutsuki prodded. "With your next move that is."

He looked up from the board and glared at the older man. The professor was clearly attempting to use his inner conflict to his advantage... "Do you desire to win so desperately?" he grumbled in reply.

Fuyutsuki chuckled. "Though I do cherish my victories over you, I am being genuine" he said. "Your son is no doubt taking this experience poorly..."

"Understandably so," Gendo replied, reaching over and making a move on the board. "But contact with me will do little to change that."

"Perhaps," Fuyutsuki returned with a serious expression. "But perhaps not. It's obvious that you care about the boy. What harm is there in reaching out to talk to him about it? It shouldn't effect your scenario much, if at all."

Gendo scowled down at the board. "I would think it better if he were to make the first move," he replied. "Considering how things went the last time I initiated conversation after something serious..."

There was a long pause before Fuyutsuki responded. "Perhaps you're afraid of open communication with your son?" he asked eventually, a knowing look on his face despite his serious tone.

He had heard enough out of the older man. "Fuyutsuki..." he growled.

"Yes?" the older man replied.

"Make your move," Gendo spat.

The batteries in his cassette player had died earlier in the day but he remained lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to come to grips with what he'd done. Asuka had told him after getting home from visiting Rei that Touji was still alive but it was of little consolation. Even so having spent a while alone with his thoughts it had... he supposed it had help him calm down at the very least. The guilt he was feeling he knew he'd always carry with him but the acute sadness that he'd felt was fading. Presently all he felt was... numbness and dread.

He knew that eventually he'd have to go back to school and face everyone there. He dreaded what Kensuke or Horaki would have to say to him when they found out what he'd done to Touji. The fact he knew they'd probably just tell him it wasn't his fault was worse than if they blamed him. He knew they'd probably understand but he didn't deserve it. He'd been the one to make the choice to smash the entry plug... and that moment kept playing over and over in his mind. It unsettled him to think back to that moment but he couldn't stop focusing on what his thoughts had rested on in the moments before and after destroying the Angel...

He'd felt such guilt that in that moment the thoughts of Touji's life had completely left him, replaced with fear, the fear that he'd lose Rei to the Angel. That had been the ultimate deciding factor that had caused him to crush the plug, not his father's words, not anything else... just his own tender feelings for her. That was what he felt most guilty about, the fact that in the moment he'd... stopped caring about Touji and been focused only on protecting the one person he cared for most. To think that he'd disregarded a person's life because of his love for someone even for a moment was... it was a reality about himself that he couldn't easily accept. He was so very relieved that Rei was okay when Asuka had told him she was recovering but at the same time it intensified the guilt he felt surrounding the incident. An atrocity committed out of love was still an atrocity at the end of the day...

All his connections and tender feelings toward those he cared for had done was cause them was pain. All his connections and warm feelings for the people he cared for had done for him was cause him pain. It would have been better if he'd never gotten close to any of them. It would have been better if he'd never come to Tokyo 3...

After all, piloting the Eva was at the root of all of this suffering that he'd inflicted and been afflicted with...

He bit his lip at that thought. He couldn't leave... it was his duty. If he left then how would Misato, Asuka and his father fare? If he left then how would... how would Rei fare? He felt trapped. He felt trapped in his situation. Just like with the decision he'd made in battle, there was no good choice as to what he'd do in the aftermath...

But one way or another he'd have to make a choice of what to do and carry the weight thereof... As his father had said, life was about making those kind of choices. It was such a bitter truth to swallow... Probably one of Misato's beers would make it easier but she'd probably notice one was missing knowing his shit luck. Either way... the bitter truth was he had to start making decisions for himself and live with them for good or ill. He couldn't afford to remain at the whims of others any longer. It had been him going along with what life had laid out for him that had led him to this mess to begin with...

His heart skipped a beat when his bedroom door snapped open. He turned his head and regarded Asuka looking at him with a dour expression. "Hey," she said. "Are you alright? You hungry or anything?"

Shinji turned on his side, facing away from her. He was hungry but he didn't want to burden her. He didn't want to place any more of a burden on anyone... "I'm not hungry..." he replied quietly, dodging the first question. "Thanks for asking..."

He hoped that she would just leave but she didn't. Instead she stood there silently in his doorway. "Look..." she spoke after a long pause. "I know you're starving after spending all day in here. Just get up and make yourself some of Misato's instant shit when you're ready."

"Sure..." Shinji responded without turning around.

Asuka let out a derisive huff and closed his door, leaving him alone once more. He found himself frowning. He knew that Asuka was right that there was no point in starving himself but he couldn't bring himself to leave his room, at least not when there was a chance he'd have to interact with anyone. He'd much rather just be alone... being close to people was what caused them pain ,what caused him pain.

He decided to wait until he knew Asuka was asleep and then go and put something in his stomach rather than the face a potential conversation with her or anyone else about what had happened and what he'd done...

It was mid afternoon the day after Asuka had visited when they finally released her. Rei was grateful that her stay in the medical ward had finally ended. Throughout the final few hours she'd been kept there she'd grown increasingly restless and impatient. Deep down she understood that she'd had to wait until she'd regained full range of motion to her leg and arm but it was still frustrating. After Asuka had left all she could think about was Shinji's well being. Finally after over a day of agonizing waiting she could finally go and see him.

The walk to Shinji's home from NERV was certainly more arduous than usual due to the phantom pains still occasionally shooting up her leg. The entire duration of the trip all she could think about was what she would say to him but nothing was good enough... no matter what she decided to say it wouldn't make much of a difference. Even so... she had to see him.

Now she stood nervously before the door. For perhaps the first time ever she was nervous to ring that doorbell. She still didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do, and yet she had come here out of... pure desire to see her friend. Eventually the worry for him outweighed her anxiety. She rang the bell and waited...

She didn't know how long it was until the door opened but it felt like forever. Rei actually flinched when it snapped open with a mechanical whir revealing Asuka standing in the doorway. "Hey Rei..." the redhead spoke in a tone that denoted a poor mood. "You're here to see him?"

Rei nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat. Even though she was going into this without a solid plan she had to proceed. She just... needed to see him after everything that had happened. "I am," she replied.

Asuka looked away from her and folded her arms, leaning against the door frame. "Good luck," she replied. "He's barely left his room since the battle and he seems to just want to be left alone. It's pathetic honestly..."

Rei frowned, partially because of Asuka's dismissive attitude and partly because she knew how deeply Shinji must be hurting. She had expected him to pull inward and blame himself considering how he was. She could only hope that she could bring him out of that horrible place he'd found himself in. She understood that guilt he was certainly feeling all too well... "He can grieve in his own way..." she murmured in reply. "It is... normal to feel guilt over something like what has happened."

Asuka curled her lip. "I mean, yeah..." she grumbled. "But it's... it's still pathetic."

Rei scowled. She knew that her friend was only saying such things to bury her own insecurities but it still upset her. "Will you let me inside?" she bit out harshly.

Asuka stepped out of the door frame. "Fine," she huffed. "See if you can get him to sort himself out then. You'll probably have better luck than me considering how close the two of you are..."

Rei stepped past Asuka without another word. She knew that there was some kind of innuendo to her statement but she didn't know what, nor did she care. All that mattered to her in that moment was seeing Shinji and making an effort to get him to work past the events of the last battle. However, when she found herself standing in front of his door she hesitated and her mind began to fill with doubt.

She still didn't know what to say. What could she say? What if no matter what she said it wouldn't help? Rei took a few deep breaths. Perhaps it was best if she just did what felt right and not give it too much thought. This was a situation where she should let her emotions guide her and hope for the best. Slowly, she lifted her hand and knocked on the door...

Shinji's attention turned to the door as the knocking registered in his mind. Probably Misato had gotten home and wanted to see him, Asuka would have just barged in if she wanted to talk. He got up from the bed and began shambling toward the door but paused just before opening it. If Misato had come home then she would have announced herself, at least after knocking. Whomever it was outside was not Misato... which left precious few options. He doubted it would be Kensuke or Horaki, they probably didn't even know what had happened yet and he doubted that his father would have taken time from his work to visit him, he never had before... that left one option.

Rei... it had to be Rei...

His heart lurched at the realization of who his visitor was. She must have gotten released from the hospital today. He balled his fists and stared down at the carpet of the floor. He should have gone to visit her... but instead he'd been wallowing in his grief. Great, now he was feeling guilty over that... Why... why was he such a pathetic piece of shit that screwed up everything he touched?

There was another knock. "Shinji?" his best friend's gentle voice sounded from the other side of his door. "Are you there?"

Shinji took a deep breath and let it out. If he let his ambivalence dictate things now then he'd only make things worse. He reached out and slid the door open. "Hey..." he said, trying to force a welcoming smile and failing. The guilt over Touji and now the guilt over failing to visit her wouldn't let him smile... "How are you?"

Rei gave him a sympathetic smile. "I am well," she replied. "I was released from the hospital a little while ago."

Shinji bowed his head. His grief and regret and unworthiness filling his head and heart once more at those words. "I'm... I'm sorry I didn't visit you," he replied just above a whisper. "I was... I was just..." he couldn't think up a good excuse...

Rei stepped forward and took hold of his hand, giving a squeeze. "I understand..." she replied. "You needed time to process... what happened."

Those words sent visions of the battle crashed back into the forefront of his mind. The images of Rei's Eva getting its arm ripped off, himself tearing apart Unit 03 with his own Eva's bare hands, crushing the plug... it all flashed before his eyes. It ignited his anxiety, his fear, and his grief once more, causing him to recoil from her touch instinctively. He looked away from her and balled his fists to keep himself from shaking. A lump was growing his his throat but he fought back against along with the stinging behind his eyes as he forced himself to speak. "I... I almost killed him..." he murmured softly, shutting his eyes tight in a vain attempt to force the vision of his action of of his mind. Even saying those words aloud... it was admitting it was all real... "I could have killed Touji..."

Rei bowed her head. "I'm... I'm sorry that it came to that..." she murmured. "But it isn't your fault. There was... no way of knowing that the core would manifest in the entry plug."

He didn't want to hear that. His... everything just didn't want to hear that excuse or explanation. "That doesn't matter..." he replied, finding it had to keep his meager composure. "It doesn't matter why or how it did, the point it it did and I nearly killed him..."

"You... did it to protect me..." Rei pressed, reaching out for his hand once again.

Indeed he had protected her and then he'd left her to wallow in his own angst. He didn't deserve her compassion. He didn't deserve her friendship. He didn't deserve to love her... He recoiled from her once again, stepping back into the darkness of his room. "Yeah, I did..." he murmured, looking back at her with tears burning in his eyes. "And I'm happy you weren't hurt. It's just... why did it have to be this way?"

Rei's brow furrowed and then she was the one looking down at the floor. "I... I don't know..." she replied, her voice trembling. "I'm... I'm sorry, Shinji. I know it is a heavy burden to carry. I... wish there was something I could do for you. I'm sorry..."

Shinji frowned. Great... now he was just making her sad. "It's mine to shoulder..." he returned softly, once again looking away from her. "There's no reason you should feel sorry..."

Rei shook her head. "I know..." she replied, her voice sounding so very small. "And yet I still feel that way..."

Shinji bit his lip and fought back the tears. If he were to break down in front of her when she was like this then he'd never forgive himself... "Well... don't..." was all he could manage. "I'll... I'll be okay..."

Rei looked back to him and nodded. "Promise that you will..." she replied after a moment. "Whatever happens, promise me you will..."

Even though her voice came out small and weak the look in her eyes communicated just how desperately she wanted him to be alright. How did he deserve someone in his life as wonderful as her? Perhaps it was just something he wasn't meant to understand. "Okay..." he returned softly. "I promise..."

She nodded once again and he could see the tears welling in her eyes. "Alright..." she replied, bowing her head and hiding her eyes behind her bangs. "It was... good to see you. Will I... see you in school?"

He frowned and looked down. Going back to school and facing everyone, facing Kensuke and Horaki... that sent his heart beating fast with anxiety. "I... I don't know..." he muttered. "I don't know if I'm ready yet..."

Rei nodded. "I understand," she murmured. "I'm... I'm going home now. See you soon..."

Shinji still couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes like the coward he was. "See you soon..." he responded softly.

Rei turned and moved away from his door. He slid the door shut immediately after that, turning around and leaning his back against it with a shaky sigh. It was very kind of Rei to come see him but he didn't deserve her compassion. The others at school certainly wouldn't understand in the way she did, she was just trying to make him feel better.

It didn't change how hard it was to know he'd nearly killed Touji and it didn't change that he was a worthless, cowardly, piece of shit who didn't deserve to have someone like her in his life...

Rei could barely hold herself together until she'd said goodbye to Asuka and exited the apartment. As soon as did though, everything came pouring out to the point where she had to pause before getting in the elevator to wipe her eyes. She hated this feeling. She hated this feeling of guilt and sadness that she felt like she was drowning within...

She'd expected Shinji to be worse for wear emotionally but... seeing him like that... it was worse than she'd thought. Every word he'd said, ever motion he'd made, the way he'd... recoiled from her touch, she could tell he was completely distraught. His actions on the battlefield were eating him up and there was nothing she could do or say to help him. Worst of all, she knew that it was her fault that he was feeling this way. If it wasn't for her then he'd never have had to make that choice. At the end of the day it had been her that had convinced Dr. Akagi to omit the Dummy System from Unit 01's combat suite. That singular decision of hers was what had bred this entire situation...

She grit her teeth and stepped into the elevator, fighting back as best she could against the burning in her throat and the stinging in her eyes. She needed to calm down. As hard as it was to see the person she cared about most in the world in such distress she needed to calm down. Rei focused on her breathing and pressed the button for ground level. She needed to speak with Dr. Akagi as soon as possible. Dr. Akagi could help her come up with a plan for what to do going forward. Even though their alliance had gotten off to a rocky start she was easily one of the smartest and most resourceful people she knew. Most importantly she knew she could trust her now. Maybe she could come up with an idea to help Shinji. She was a doctor after all, right?

When the elevator opened Rei stepped forward instinctively and was nearly knocked over when she impacted another body. She looked up and standing before her was Misato Katsuragi looking very tired. "Oh, hey there Rei," she greeted with a lopsided grin and a cheerful tone she could tell was faked. "How are you feeling?"

Rei frowned and looked down at her feet. "I have been better..." she replied. "Sorry I bumped into you."

"It's quite alright," Misato returned, pausing for a moment as her cheerful facade began to erode. "I'm guessing you were visiting Shinji?"

Rei nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I was..." she replied.

Whatever remained of her commanding officer's cheerful demeanor completely vanished and she seemed to deflate, shrink even. "How's he doing?" she asked softly, her tone displaying her worry about her ward.

Rei's frown deepened. "Not well..." she replied, trying to find the right words. "He has... taken what happened very poorly."

Rei heard Misato's breath hitch in her throat and she looked away. "I should have come home instead of overseeing the cleanup..." the major returned. "I just... I didn't know what to say to him. I guess that's pretty cowardly of me..."

Rei balled her fists. Shinji had mentioned nothing of this to her but now that she knew he'd been alone with his thoughts in that tiny room of his for two whole days now was angering. Indeed, Misato was correct in that assessment of her actions... "I didn't know what to say either," she replied softly. "And yet I still tried..."

Misato said nothing for a few moments. "You're a very good friend to him," she eventually stated, her tone sounding somber and yet warm all at once. "He's lucky to have someone like you in his life..."

Rei felt a surge of heat in her cheeks and a wave of embarrassment washed over her. "I try..." she replied softly. "But I... I can't help him this time. This something only he can find a way to overcome..." Admitting that was... painful, but it was the ugly truth...

Misato sighed. "I can only imagine the guilt he must be feeling..." she murmured. "I wish there was something I could do..."

Rei bowed her head once more. She felt the very same... "All you can do is let him know you care," she replied as she lifted her head back up to meet the older woman's gaze.

Rei watched Misato let out a little puff of wry laughter as she stepped past her and pressed the elevator call button. "I guess you're right," she replied with a somber smile as the doors opened. "Take care, Rei."

Rei gave a slight bow. "You as well," she returned.

Misato stepped into the elevator and the doors closed, leaving Rei alone in the silence, once again alone with her thoughts and her own burden of guilt...

Shinji hadn't moved from his position braced against his bedroom door after Rei left, only moving when the sound and feeling of knuckles wrapping at said door startled him. "Shinji?" a voice called to him trough it. "Can I come in?"

His breath caught in his throat So Misato had finally come home... "S- sure," he replied, stepping away from the door and turning around to face it. "Come in..."

He watched as the door to his room slowly slid open revealing his guardian standing just on the other side of the entrance. He noted that her arm was in a sling and she looked like she'd been losing nearly as much sleep as he'd been losing. The expression on her face was one of regret and pity. "Shinji... I'm so sorry about what happened..." she stated softly.

Shinji bowed his head and scowled. He was getting tired of everyone pitying him... "Don't be..." he replied softly. "I'm the only one who should feel sorry..."

Misato's downcast expression deepened. "Well... I can at least feel sorry that I didn't come home sooner..." she murmured. "That was within my control..."

Shinji's hardened expression softened. "It's fine..." he returned, even though it actually did hurt that she hadn't been back until now. "You had a job to do..."

Misato shifted on her feet awkwardly. "I guess... all we can do is try and let things go back to normal, right?" she replied.

He nodded and stared down at his feet. The never would be, not after what had happened... but she was right that he had to try. If he didn't then he'd drown... "I guess so..." he murmured.

Misato didn't say anything for several moments and silence hung uncomfortably in the air. "You should probably go back to school tomorrow," she replied softly. "Maybe being back in that environment will help."

It wouldn't, nothing would, but... he had tell his school friends what had happened, what he'd done. If he didn't and they found out through NERV he wouldn't be able to live with himself... "I guess..." he muttered softly. "I guess I'll go back tomorrow..."

It was night, and Ritsuko sat alone in her office with a cigarette clamped between her teeth as she typed away on her computer. She'd finally returned from the salvage operation she'd been overseeing but she'd had no time to rest yet. The cleanup of Unit 03 was finished by and large and the populace of the effected areas where combat had taken place were starting to be allowed back to their homes. If that was all she had to contend with she would have gone home, fed her cats, and been in bed by now but there was a looming issue hanging over her head, that issue being the Dummy Plug System.

Now that the battle with Unit 03 was over and done with she saw no reason not to have that system installed aboard Unit 01. In fact, it was probably a good idea if it was installed. Ritsuko liked to fancy herself as a perceptive person and her reasons for integrating Unit 01's combat suite with the Dummy Plug was multifaceted and informed by the visions she'd seen in Rei's memory files. Considering how the latest sortie had gone, Shinji had even more of a reason to quit piloting than he had in that other reality. As such, if he did, he might not come back, and if that were to transpire then it could be a needed system, especially if the next Angel took the form of the one that had followed directly after the one infecting Unit 03...

The phone on her desk began to ring and she answered it immediately. "Dr. Akagi speaking, what is it?" she stated as she blew out a puff of smoke through her nose. She had a feeling that only one person would be calling her office this late at night...

"Is the salvage operation completed?" Gendo asked flatly.

"Yes," she replied. "The combat zone has been cleared of the remains of Unit 03 and all classified components thereof."

"Very well," Gendo returned. "I have a favor to ask you then..."

Ritsuko's heart skipped a beat in spite of herself. Even knowing what his plan was he still had a pull over her... she hated that. "What can I do for you, sir?" she inquired evenly.

"How soon can you ready the Dummy System for use in Unit 01?" he replied.

Though his tone was even she could sense a hint of worry in those words. Perhaps he was worried about his son leaving as well... "Shortly," she returned, taking another pull from her cigarette. "I was actually working on preparing it before you called."

"I see," he replied. "Your initiative is... commendable."

Her eyes widened slightly. Was he... praising her efforts? Why did that make her feel butterflies even now? No matter... there were more important things to contend with. Despite that, she dared to ask something a bit personal of him... "Are you... concerned that Shinji may resign from NERV?" she asked.

There was a pause that felt agonizingly long to the point where Ritsuko honestly worried if she would suffer consequences for levying the inquiry. "The thought has crossed my mind, yes..." he returned.

Though most probably wouldn't have noticed it considering how even his tone was, there was something about that statement that queued her in to how nervous he really was about the prospect. "That would be quite an issue to overcome..." Ritsuko replied softly.

Gendo's tone had lost that contemplative tinge when he spoke again. "Only if the Dummy System cannot be installed by the time of the next Angel's appearance," he stated. "I shall leave this task to you. Accomplish it with haste."

"Yes sir," she replied.

Gendo hung up the phone and Ritsuko placed it back on the base with a sigh before taking a final puff off of her cigarette and snubbing it. She could only hope that she could get it ready before the next Angel appeared. Should things were to happen in the same manner as what she'd seen then she'd be hard pressed... but then again what was one or two more days of sleep deprivation after all she'd been through?

Rei arrived at Shinji's apartment just as she did on an average school day in the hope that he would be feeling well enough to go to school. She rang the doorbell and waited just as she normally did until after a few moments the door snapped open revealing her friend dressed in his school attire. It did look like he was going to come to school but... the look on his face was still somber. Then again, she should have expected that. Still, she forced a smile in the hope it would convey her relief and perhaps cheer him up just a little bit. "Good morning," she greeted. "Are you coming to school today?"

Shinji nodded. "Yeah..." he replied somberly. "I am..."

She could tell by the look on his face and by the tone of his voice that it was not an easy choice for him. He looked so defeated, so... broken. It hurt so much to see him this way and know there was little she could do... "You don't have to if you are not ready yet..." she murmured softly, a frown cresting on her own lips.

He shut his eyes tight and shook his head before regarding her with an even more grave expression. "No..." he returned. "This is something I have to do... I need to tell Kensuke and Horaki-san... They deserve to hear about what happened from me..."

Rei bowed her head, the weight of his words hitting her like a freight train. It was kind of him to take on that responsibility but she worried it might be too much for him to bear. The world had asked so much of him already and one can only carry so much before they break. "I see..." she replied, her voice coming out as a choked whisper. "I understand..."

Asuka appeared behind Shinji and placed a hand on his shoulder. It was a kind gesture but Rei couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of sadness at that but it was a different kind of sadness compared to what she felt in regards to Shinji's burdens. Part of her couldn't help but... wish that was her doing that. She wished she had the courage to do that... "For what it's worth, we're here for you," Asuka stated. "It'll be fine."

Shinji nodded and kept his head bowed, balling his fists at his side. "Yeah..." he replied. "Everything will be fine..."

The three of them began their walk to school shortly thereafter in silence but it wasn't one of those comfortable silences that Rei was used to. The entire walk was tense with no one in the group of three daring to speak on anything. There was really nothing to say or at least that could be said. After the kind of battle the three of them had been put through, after what Shinji had been forced to do, they couldn't just... return to normalcy. It hurt. It hurt so very much... and there was no way for any of them to alleviate that.

It didn't take long until the gates of the school were in sight. Shinji paused at the gates and Rei halted beside him while Asuka carried for a few steps before turning back around. "Hey, we're here," the redhead said, that usual brashness slipping into her voice for a brief moment before turning sympathetic. "Don't tell me you're gonna turn back now..."

Rei could understand his hesitation, after all, he had nearly killed one of his friends... "There's no shame in waiting if that is what you need..." she levied softly.

Once again Shinji shook his head. "No," he murmured. "Thanks, Rei but I... I need to do this..."

"Hey Shinji," a voice caught the three of them off guard, making them turn back around toward the sidewalk. Just a few paces away stood Aida and Horaki.

Instantly Rei's breath caught in her throat and she turned back to Shinji with eyes full of concern. His expression was graver than ever and his eyebrows were knit in a mix of negative emotion. "Hey..." he greeted them, bowing his head slightly and stuttering. "H- how are you?"

"Alright," Kensuke replied. "How are the three of you? Haven't seen you in a few days. Is that because of the battle outside the city?"

"Yeah," Asuka stated. "There was a battle alright..."

Rei nodded in agreement. "Yes..." she added softly, trying not to give anything away. "The three of us underwent a combat deployment..."

"Well it's good that you're all okay," Horaki stated.

"Yeah..." Shinji murmured, hanging his head and hiding his eyes. "We're all okay..."

There was a pregnant pause between the five of them. Rei desperately wanted to reach out and clutch at his arm but she couldn't muster the courage to do so. Then, Aida spoke again... "Hey, Touji hasn't been in school for a few days..." he spoke softly. "Was... was he involved in it?"

Rei again looked at Shinji who bowed over further and cupped his head in his hands. She watched helplessly as he began to sob. "I'm sorry..." he murmured softly, over and over again, his voice coming out weak and choked. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

No matter how hard she tried to speak or how badly she wanted to put her hand on his shoulder she couldn't bring herself to do so. All she could do was bite her lip and stand there as Shinji stammered out what had happened in their last deployment...

Shinji stood beside Touji's bedside, staring down at him amid all the machines he was hooked up to. The entire day after confessing what had happened to Kensuke and Aida at the beginning of the school day until now had been a blur. He'd been unable to put it to the two of them gently and instead confessed everything like the fool he was. Now... now he was standing in Touji's room, visiting him for the first time since the battle with Rei, Asuka, Kensuke, and Horaki. It had taken quite a bit of convincing from the various NERV security forces to allow Kensuke and Horaki in to the medical ward but he'd been persistent. The two of them deserved to visit him...

Touji looked so... so damaged laying there in that hospital bed. Seeing him there, wrapped in bandages and missing a leg, an oxygen mask taped to his face as he laid there unconscious in a coma was gut wrenching. It was almost like being in a daze the moment he'd seen him laying there. Horaki was weeping softly and Kensuke was standing beside him in shock. He only came back to reality when Kensuke spoke up. "Damn..." he said. "Is... is he going to be okay?"

Shinji bowed his head, fighting back tears that had been flowing intermittently since earlier in the day. "I don't know..." he murmured. "I'm sorry..."

"It's not your fault..." Horaki whimpered, choking back sobs. "He signed up for this after all..."

Shinji bowed his head. They spoke the truth but still he felt he didn't deserve that understanding. He was the one responsible for Touji being in the condition he was in after all... "I know..." he replied feebly. "But I still did this to him..."

"Look, you had no choice!" Asuka exclaimed. "What else could you do in that situation!?"

He choked back his tears and clenched his fists at his sides. "I could have done... something!" he choked out. "Something more! There was something more I could have done!"

"It's okay..." Rei murmured beside him. "You did what you had to do. Suzuhara is strong. He'll recover..."

"Yeah, man..." Kensuke added. "He'll be fine in time..."

None of what they said was helping at all. All he could think about was how badly he'd hurt his friend. All he could think about was how piloting the Eva had done nothing for him but cause himself and others pain... He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't stand it any longer... the burden that he carried from having nearly killed his friend was too much. It had been his choice while piloting the Eva that had caused all of this...

He grit his teeth as the realization, as the ugly reality of his situation set in. Everything that he was going through, all the pain that he was experiencing, it was all tied to him piloting the Eva... That reality collapsed upon him like a pile of bricks. It had been him piloting the Eva that had led to this moment. All the Eva had ever done for him and everyone around him had been cause nothing but pain and misery and he couldn't take it any longer...

The best course of action was to simply walk away...

He bit his lip as the gravity of that realization set in. If he were to leave Eva behind then he could escape the pain that Eva had caused him, that it had caused everyone around him through his actions with it. It was a difficult choice to make but it was the only one that he had the option of making. His father's words rang in his ears... life is about making choices. What was the right choice to make in the situation he was currently in? If he stayed on as a pilot then he'd have to continue carrying the burden he currently shouldered. If he left then he'd relinquish it and have to live with someone else shouldering it...

He had to weigh that choice. Choosing between remaining and Eva pilot and leaving for his own mental fortitude was a grave choice. Could he really abandon his friends and the girl he'd grown to love because of what he'd experienced?

Shinji bit his lip and his frown deepened as he thought on that subject. Piloting the Eva had never been his choice, it had been something he'd been roped into through his father's coercion. His father had used Rei to get him in the cockpit for the first time... He'd chosen to pilot and yet it hadn't been his choice. He couldn't help but wonder what his life would be like if he'd never come to Tokyo 3, if he'd never heeded his father's summons. Most likely he'd be living an ordinary life and never would have had anything extraordinary happen to him nor would he have experienced the trauma of combat. It would have been a simple life... but one he knew he could never return to.

His gaze landed on his comatose friend once more, staring down at the oxygen mask strapped to his face and the black and blue discoloration of his skin. His lip quivered as horrible possibilities flooded his mind. What if he was put in the same kind of situation where he had to potentially kill someone again? What if... what if it had been Rei that he'd crushed in the entry plug? He couldn't stand that idea! If that were to have happened then he'd never be able to live with himself afterwards. The idea of Rei ever coming to harm at his hand was sickening. There was no way that he'd ever allow himself to be put in a situation like that...

And the only way to ensure that he never could be put in that position was to stop piloting the Eva...

He paid no mind to the voices calling after him and asking where he was headed as he turned an left the hospital room. He needed to speak to his father before he lost the resolve to do so. If he didn't then nothing would change for him. He had to make this choice and live with it. After all, life is about making choices...

Gendo looked up from the small stack of papers on his desk upon hearing the door to his office open but was a bit surprised to see his son stepping inside unannounced. He watched with stoic contemplation as Shinji closed the door to his office and began to make his way closer to his desk. Though he was distant Gendo could tell that the expression on the boy's face was somber, shell shocked even.

He found the sight stirring things within him. Perhaps he should have reached out to him before now as clearly the reason he was here had something to do with the events of the last battle. It was possible that he could have lent his ear to his son but that didn't matter he supposed, his son had sought him out on his own. "Good afternoon," Gendo stated as Shinji neared his desk, perhaps a bit more stern or awkward that he'd intended to sound. "I assume you wish to speak with me about the most recent battle, yes?"

Shinji paused a few feet from the desk and hung his head. "I have..." he murmured softly.

Gendo frowned behind his gloves. It seemed that all the information he'd been fed about his son's mental state had been brutally true. It would seem that the right thing to do was to try and console him but he had never been good at that kind of thing. Still... it was worth making an effort at least. "I'm... sorry," he spoke softly but evenly. "I understand that the outcome of the battle might be weighing heavy on you."

Shinji nodded but still refused to raise his eyes to him. "It has been..." he murmured softly.

There was a tense silence that fell between the two of them for a moment. It seemed neither one of them knew what to say... "It is understandable," Gendo returned, finding more and more difficult to speak yet the truth kept spilling out of him... "It was... not an easy thing you did out there..."

Shinji finally raised his head and met his gaze. "Father... I..." he choked, shuffling his feet slightly before turning his head to the side. "It's so hard to say this..."

Something about the way his son had said that made him worried. "Is there a specific thing you came here to say?" Gendo inquired perhaps in a bit more accusative tone than he'd intended to.

Shinji nodded and stared back at him with a grave and somber expression. Gendo could feel the pain in his eyes. "I have," the boy replied as if letting out a heavy sigh.

Gendo tensed behind his gloves. He had a suspicion as to what this might be about. He just hoped he was wrong... "Is this about your status as a pilot?" he asked.

Shinji nodded once more, biting his lip. "It is..." he murmured softly.

Gendo breathed deeply. He knew in his gut what his son had to say... "Go on," he promoted softly.

Shinji closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before speaking again. "I just... I just can't do this anymore," he said softly. "I'm sorry..."

Gendo stared back at his son, taking it all in. So... it had actually come to this... "So you wish to resign as a pilot?" he asked even though he knew the answer already. He just didn't want to hear the answer he knew was coming...

Shinji bowed his head. "I do," he replied, his voice becoming more and more of a whimper with each word. "I just... After what happened to Touji I just... I can't do this anymore. If I keep piloting and I have to do... that... to someone again, I... I just can't.."

Gendo frowned and unclasped his hands, setting them on the desk. There it was... one of the worst possibilities for his scenario was now unfolding. At the same time... he understood his son's logic. In fact he'd go as far as sympathizing with him. What he'd had to do in the last battle was certainly a heavy burden for anyone to bear, especially someone as young as he was. Thinking back to his own childhood, he'd been through many rough patches but never something quite like that... Perhaps he should have taken better steps to prevent this from happening. Perhaps it had been too much to ask his son to be a pilot in the first place... "Very well," he replied, his hardened gaze softening. "Your resignation is accepted... effective immediately."

Shinji's eyes met his. "Are you mad at me?" he asked weakly.

Gendo's breath caught in his throat as he contemplated those words. He was a bit displeased, yes, but after all his son had managed to do... he couldn't be angry. "No," he replied. "I will admit I'm a bit disappointed, but I understand that this is a decision you have to make for yourself..."

A look of shock washed over Shinji's face and Gendo could see tears welling in his eyes. He then dipped into a respectful bow. "Thank you... Father..." he replied.

Gendo nodded respectfully in turn. Even if he didn't agree with his son's decision he did respect it. The boy was slowly becoming a man after all and a man has to make decisions on their own... "Dismissed," he returned coolly.

He watched as his son turned to leave the office. This was it... probably the last time they'd ever see one another and for some reason that stung. He remembered their reconciliation after their falling out at Yui's cenotaph and how he'd begun to teach him Shogi... he was actually going to miss the boy. Things couldn't just end like this... "Shinji..." he spoke out.

His son stopped in his tracks and turned around and Gendo paused for a moment. It was... difficult saying what he needed to say. "Should you change your mind..." he continued, his tone as genuine as he could manage. "There will always be a place for you at NERV..."

Shinji said nothing and simply nodded before continuing toward the door. Gendo's eyes never left him until he reached the doors, exited, and shut them behind him. That was it... once again his son would be out of his life...

He slumped back in his chair and stared up at the engraving of the tree of life on the ceiling. That conversation had taken more out of him than he could have anticipated. He wondered what Yui would think of all of this... All sorts of thoughts and emotions were beginning to swirl in his mind like a typhoon. What would Yui think of everything he'd done? After the trauma he'd caused his son could she really forgive him? Was there something he could have done better? Was everything he was doing for nothing?

He slammed his fist on his desk and grit his teeth, letting out a seething growl of frustration, anger, and sadness. He hated feeling this way... he hated feeling this growing sense of doubt...

Shinji paused outside of his father's office as soon as he closed the door. This was it... it was done. He'd given his father his resignation from NERV and now he was no longer an Eva pilot. There had been a time where he'd dreamed about doing this but now it felt... bittersweet at best and saddening at worst. As much of a relief as it was it still hurt, knowing that he'd be leaving so many people he'd grown to care about behind...

He'd be leaving Touji, Kensuke, Misato, and Asuka behind and he would certainly miss them. He'd probably never see them again after he left and that was saddening as he'd grown to really like all of them. He'd be leaving his father behind just when it seemed like their relationship had a chance at really improving. He'd be leaving Rei behind as well and that was perhaps the most painful part of it... No matter what way he looked at it his decision had some serious downsides...

Part of him regretted his decision already. He was walking away from responsibilities and leaving, making others fight on in his stead. He was making Rei fight on in his stead... he resented himself for that but... there was no way he could go out a pilot after what he'd done to Touji. The idea that he might be faced with killing someone else, one of his friends, or the person he cared most about wouldn't allow him to. It was better if he never piloted an Eva again and yet... he still felt stuck. Could there have been another way to go about things?

He breathed a shaky sigh and steeled himself before beginning to trudge down the hall with his head bowed. He supposed none of that mattered now, he'd made his choice and he had to live with it. Life was about making choices... he mustn't run away from the choices he'd made. He had to live by them for better or for worse...

"Shinji..." a soft, almost melodious voice rang in his ear.

He stopped dead in his tracks. He knew this voice... he lifted his head and saw Rei standing before him with a pained expression. That look on her face... it made his heart sink. She looked so worried. He hated seeing her worried, especially about him. He didn't deserve her worry... "Hey... Rei..." he murmured softly, unable to bring himself to look her in the eye.

She shifted on her feet and seemed like she wanted to step closer to him. In any other moment he would have welcomed her coming closer but... it was just... he would break if she did so he was thankful she didn't. "I... followed you..." she murmured.

He smiled. Always looking out for him when he didn't deserve it. How typical... "I can see that," he replied, a hint of wry laughter on his lips despite how... bitter a moment it was. He was going to have to say goodbye to the person he cared about most...

"I assume you left Suzuhara's room to speak to your father..." Rei stated softly, sounding a bit apprehensive. "What did you speak about?"

Shinji closed his eyes and frowned deeply. There was no way he could lie to her, not now, not with how he felt about her... he had to come clean. He looked her in the face, staring into those elegant crimson eyes of hers. "I'm leaving NERV..." he blurted out flatly after a moment of pause.

Rei's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. "What?" she replied, sounding shocked and saddened. It was like... everything was just draining out of her.

He had to look away. Seeing her like this was just painful... "Yeah..." he returned. "I put in my resignation... I'm done..."

Rei audibly choked. "Wh- why?" she stammered softly.

Shinji looked up and met her gaze. She was staring back at him with a pained expression that hurt for him to witness. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. If he broke down in front of her he would never be able to forgive himself. He was already leaving after he'd made that promise to her... breaking that was already painful enough... "You saw Touji..." he replied after a moment, staring back at her with a somber expression. "I just... what If I have to do something like that to Asuka or Misato or you?"

"I won't let that happen," Rei returned firmly, stepping closer to him.

Shinji smiled and looked down at the tile floor once again. It was a kind statement but it was a promise he knew she genuinely couldn't keep. She probably knew that too... "That's... very kind of you Rei," he replied. "But it's not something I think you can control. I mean... look what happened last time."

Now it was Rei's turn to look at the floor. "Still..." she stated quietly. "I can try..."

Shinji shook his head. He'd made his decision to leave Eva behind. It was a choice he'd made for himself by himself and he wasn't going to go back on it... not even if the girl he'd grown to love begged him to. "It doesn't matter..." he replied. "My father said my resignation is effective immediately... I'm leaving."

Rei looked at him with a genuinely hurt expression and hung her head once more. "Okay..." she murmured softly.

He began to step past her. He could tell that she was hurt that he'd chosen to leave but it was something he had to do for his own sake. He needed to find a purpose and happiness outside of Eva as all Eva had given him was angst and fear and guilt... but... he couldn't just leave without telling her how he felt. He needed to tell her, to be honest with her. Perhaps it would offer some kind of closure... He turned around and faced her once more. "Hey, uh... Rei?" he spoke.

She turned and looked at him, sadness carved into her features. "Yes, Shinji?" she replied.

"I..." he choked out before shaking his head. What was he thinking? How stupid was it for him to say these things now and then leave? All it would do would be make it even more difficult and painful... it was better to just let it die unspoken. "Nevermind... it's nothing... Goodbye..."

With those last words he turned from her and walked down the hall, his heart heavier than it had ever been in his memory. He strode down the hall away from Rei... and didn't look back...

Rei watched as Shinji walked away from her, his words still ringing in her ears, the gravity of them threatening to crush her to atoms. She had a feeling that he was going to see Commander Ikari when he left Suzuhara's hospital room and she'd followed after him nervously, hoping she was wrong. Instead she'd been proven correct, and her fears had been confirmed. He was leaving, the outcome she'd hoped to prevent from happening had occurred had occurred, except this time it was different...

After what Shinji had been required to do it was unlikely that he'd return. She couldn't blame him if he didn't but it still hurt. It really hurt. It hurt... so much. She'd tried so hard to prevent these events from happening and yet they'd still occurred. She'd failed him, she'd failed her friend. She'd failed to prevent him from leaving. She'd failed to protect his happiness. On top of all this, most likely her plans to prevent Third Impact had just gone up in smoke. Without Shinji to influence his father's choices then there was no hope. Despite this... the worst thing was that her closest friend, the person she cared about most in the world, was walking out of her life without even looking back.

The last thing he'd said, goodbye... that word nearly shattered her like she was made of glass. That word stung, knowing it could and most likely would be the last words she'd ever hear from Shinji. The idea that she might never see him or hear from him again after this moment was agonizing. He was breaking the promise he'd made to after defeating the Fifth Angel to support her and help her make her dreams reality. It was so upsetting It hurt. It hurt so much! Goodbye... he was leaving her and there was nothing she could do.

And it was all her fault...

She started off down the hall in the opposite direction Shinji had gone. She didn't have the heart to walk after him. Nothing she could do would help, he'd already put in his resignation and anything she could say wouldn't change his decision no matter how much she wished it could. Her eyes stung and it was getting hard to see. Her breath was coming in choked gasps and her gait was unsteady as she walked. Why couldn't she change anything? Why couldn't she make a difference? Why? Why!? She wandered the halls of NERV without aim, trying to think of where she went wrong. Where had it been? Could she have done more? She should have been able to prevent this! She was angry and hurt and sad and worried and defeated and... she hated how things were now. She hated how she'd failed. She hated herself for... failing.

She needed to talk to someone. She needed to vent. She needed to... purge these feelings from her soul... and the only person she could talk to was Dr. Akagi. She needed to talk to Dr. Akagi. She didn't care if she was busy, she needed to talk to her. She was the only person who knew about the burdens she carried. She was the only person who could possibly understand.

The walk to her office was a blur and before she knew it she was there standing before her door. She wrapped her knuckles against the door and stood there waiting, hoping that she would answer. If she didn't then she didn't know what she would do. She had to answer... she just... had to.

She waited what probably wasn't really all that long but it felt like forever. Regardless, after some amount of time the door before her opened and Dr. Akagi stood in the doorway. Instantly, Rei's eyes locked with the doctor's and Dr. Akagi's expression shifted into one that looked like genuine concern. "Hey Rei," she said. "Are you alright?"

Rei bowed her head, trying to keep from crumbling in front of the faux blonde woman. She could barely see and she knew she was shaking. She couldn't hold it back much longer and if she was being honest with herself she didn't care anymore if she remained composed. "M- may I come in?" she murmured softly, the words coming out almost as a whimper.

Dr. Akagi's eyebrows knit up in concern and she stepped back, away from the door, allowing her to enter the small office. "Rei, is something wrong?" the faux blonde asked.

Rei turned and stared back at her, unable to suppress the shaking in her body any longer. Her eyes were stinging and it was getting hard to speak. "H- he's leaving..." she stammered softly, unable to explain what had happened.

Dr. Akagi frowned and stuffed her hands in her lab coat's pockets. "So... Shinji's decided to quit just like before, huh?" she muttered in reply.

Saying aloud was what did it, maybe because speaking aloud something like that helps one see it as real. Regardless of the reason, the dam holding back her tears failed and those tears began streaming down her cheeks. Rei stared back at Dr. Akagi through foggy eyes. "It's all my fault..." she sobbed softly before hanging her head and balling her fists as the feelings of anger and despair surged through her. "It's all my fault..."

Rei felt a hand come to rest on her shoulder. "Look, you had no way of knowing that the core would manifest in the plug," Dr. Akagi stated. "It's not your fault."

She didn't want to hear it and shook her head. "There was more I could have done..." she murmured between sobs. "I should have been able to stop this... and now he probably won't come back..."

The hand gripping her shoulder tightened, squeezing her. "Rei, we'll figure this out together," Dr. Akagi stated. "We'll prevent the Third Impact, alright? We'll still find a way..."

This did nothing to stop the flow of tears streaming down her face. Even if they did manage to stop the commander's plans it didn't change the fact that Shinji would be gone forever. Somehow, for some mysterious reason that she couldn't place, somehow that felt more important than anything else in the world... "I just... I just don't want him to leave..." she whimpered.

Dr. Akagi said nothing for what felt like an eternity before stepping closer to her. The hand on her shoulder slowly moved around her and pulled her forward. Rei's eyes went wide as she realized what was happening. Dr. Akagi was... hugging her. "I understand..." she said softly. "I know... it hurts... but we'll get through this. You'll get through this..."

Any and all composure Rei had left evaporated after hearing that. It felt so strange but so welcome at the same time. It felt strange that this woman who had perhaps at one point despised her was now offering her comfort but but it was so very welcome to be able to let out everything that she'd been holding in. Stranger still... the moment honestly reminded her of how Yui Ikari had embraced her when she'd wept before she'd been given her newest lease on life. Either way, in this moment she just... let her tears flow and let the warmth that Dr. Akagi was offering flow into her in a vain attempt to keep the despair at bay.

Author's Notes

First of all I do apologize for taking so long on this one. Between going back to work and other projects taking up my time it's been difficult to find time to write. To be honest I originally intended to extend this chapter a bit longer but realized that the scenes that I would have added would make for a better opening for the one following this one and as such will appear in chapter 34. Hopefully I can manage to get that finished by the end of two weeks. Wish me luck. Hey, at least we can all appreciate a not so subtle Bebop reference in the chapter title, no?

So here it is... Shinji has decided to quite piloting... but will he return and if he does will it be too late? What will change during the coming battle with Zeruel? How will Rei cope going forward? What's going on with Ritsuko and Gendo? And what has Kaji been up to during all of this? The answers will all be revealed soon ladies and gents. The conclusion to the action arc awaits...

I will say that writing Shinji and Rei's struggles with guilt which composed the main theme of this update was kind of an intense experience. It was quite to get that emotional charge just right, which also contributed to the delay. Gendo's POV scenes on the other hand were a joy to write as always and the development with Ritsuko was also quite enjoyable.

As always, your reviews are welcome and appreciated. Thank you all once again for your support!

Regards,

A.F.