Gabing Gob
Editor Eric Greene
October 19, 2004.
The Dark Underbelly of City Hall Revealed!
By Gary Kobayashi
It was dusk; the sun slowly dragged against its will below into the eternal depths of the abyss when I took notice of a crowd making its way to the City Hall. Using my decades of honed ability to hide in the shadows, I managed to stealthily blend in with the crowd and penetrate the walls of our local fortress of governance.
My loyal listeners, you may want to sit down because what I am going to next reveal will shock and alarm you. Within our sacred institution of law and order lurked the entire city council and the Mayor, planning and plotting with various conspirators from across Lucy's Maw. ED Note: Just to clarify, this was not a secret meeting but the weekly city meeting. If you, like Gary, are somehow unaware of this, they happen every Friday after seven. Also, Gary, for the love of God, we have readers, not listeners. I have told you this so many times. Come on, man.
It turns out our City Council is, in fact, secretly a Shadow Council! It was hard to follow the meeting because they spoke in eldritch tongues, with names like budgetary matters, but I could cunningly piece together their plot. They are seeking to bring in more out-of-towners for who knows what nefarious purposes. I'm thinking blood sacrifices. After hours of arguing over, *shudder*, math, they finally settled on fashioning an amusement park. Well, I, for one, am not amused by the evil that lurks beneath the surface of this great town and will be fighting it every step of the way!
Halloween Monster Mash Sale!
By Harold Hays
Greetings, ghosts and ghouls, are you and your family ready for this year's ooky spooky Halloween extravaganza? Some of you may be tempted to reuse your old Halloween disguises and defenses for your trick-or-treating needs, but hear me! This is a mistake!
Folks, please think about your loved ones and remember you can never be too prepared for the holidays; come down to the Hays' Guns and Traps Emporium today! For the next two weeks, we will have a 40% sale on fang-resistant full-body armor. It comes with a bear mask and camouflage for free. Bears will be completely bamboozled by these cunning costumes. They will never see you coming!
And that is not all! For home defenses, I have personally booby trapped several jack-o-lanterns with fun surprises for the beasties around town!* You can slumber easily on All Hallows Eve, knowing that any trespassers will be splattered across your lawn. In fact, I am so confident in my product I am doing a money-back guarantee if you vanish mysteriously into the night! Don't let the Halloween Massacre of 1999 happen again!
*Hays' Guns and Traps Emporium is not responsible for any lost fingers or limbs if you mishandle the Hays' Trap-O-Lantern.
Slaughter at School Showdown!
By Katy Wiggs
Wow! Wow! I am speechless, you guys! Speechless! This Friday, the town of Lucy's Maw witnessed a bloodbath on like an unprecedented scale! It is totally going down in the history books! For those of you unfortunate enough to miss it, the Rabid Racoons decimated the Warmongering Wolves in this week's Slaughter Ball game, 64-13, shattering both records and bones!
Coach Tubman had this to say about his team crushing his other team: "The Rabid Racoons did me proud this week, showcasing a bloodlust I haven't seen in the other nine teams I am managing. Feeding them all that raw meat has really paid off. As a reward, I am taking the Racoons out to Grizzly Sizzly Bar and Grill. However, the Warmongering Wolves shamed me greatly and have lost their water privileges until they show that they have re-earned them."
If the Rabid Racoons keep up this pace, they will like totally make it all to the finals and maybe even take home the Stag's Skull! The Rabid Racoons haven't been able to claim the Stag's Skull since '83, when their Head Huntsman lost the use of his legs.
The Rabid Racoon's new star player, Daina Nor, is probably the best Front Beastwoman we have ever had in over a century. You should have seen how she shattered kneecaps with her Slaughter Bat. Derek Kent was wailing like a little bitch. That six-year-old has a promising sports career in her future!
I'm all like aboard the hype train and looking forward to seeing who Diana breaks next, which leads to a great deal of mixed feelings on my part since they next will be facing off with my old team, the Brutalizing Bobcats. Go Bobcats!
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Weather Alert!
By Gary Kobayashi
As we enter deeper into the damp cold embrace of fall, we must face the return of the clouds of war, blotting out the sun. Soon high winds will blow leaves all over our lawns and streets. Which is just the worst, let me tell you. My day job requires me to rake up the little bastards for hours on end, and then they just come back tomorrow, proving once and for all God is dead. Anyway, here is the forecast for next week.
Monday: We will be experiencing a light rain shower for at least ten hours.
Tuesday: The rain will start back up around noon, increasing in intensity, and continue long into the night.
Wednesday: The rain will not cease, it will never cease, and continue far into the day. At this point, we will also receive high winds, blowing the rain to where you are huddling for cover.
Thursday: We should have some flooding, so make sure you have your row boat prepared if you live up northside.
Friday: We finally get a brief break from the showers, but the sky will remain overcast. Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why you have to hide away for so long?
Saturday: The rain is back, bitches.
Sunday: Yep, more rain. What were you expecting? Shaking my head.
Bring Us Your Dead!
By Trish the Grave Walker
Good news, everybody, our excavation team has finally finished digging out a new chamber for the Necropolis. So it's time to grab grandma out of your freezer and bring her on down for burial. We have several fantastic funeral and plot packages, depending on what you can afford. Prices range from the 'Never Really Liked Them Anyway' package at 1,000 dollars all the way to the 'I Love and Care About My Dead Mom' package at 10,000 dollars.
While you are here entombing a loved one, why not pre-buy yourself a loculus now? You never know when you might need it. Why, you might even be dead by tomorrow morning. Don't burden your family with your dead rotting corpse; you just cleared out your freezer after all.
I also know many of you out there have loved ones that have gone mysteriously missing, so you have no body to bury but fear not. We are offering a new service to meet this ever-increasing demand. For the low, low price of $ 99.99, we are willing to fashion a life-sized effigy carved of wood.
Don't dither and instead come hither! Loculi will be going like hotcakes, and it's going to be another couple of months before the next catacomb chamber is finished.
Another Man Declared Missing and Second Man Found Dead
By Jessica Bricks
Looks like we had another bloody weekend with at least two more deaths this month. I say at least because who fucking even knows anymore in this hell hole of a town. There are probably some dead babies stuffed into a vending machine, or the fuck knows. I would leave this town, but the only way out is through that death maze, so I am stuck here until the fucking City Council tears it down!
First up, Craig Fuller, age 26, from what I can piece together, went missing sometime between Wednesday and Saturday. I hunted down his boss, who informed me that Craig never showed up for work Thursday or Friday morning. Craig's mother, Laura, reported him missing Saturday when she visited his apartment after failing to get him on the phone. Finding an empty apartment with several items missing, she contacted the LMPD. Who, ten minutes after arriving at the scene, shrugged their shoulders and declared, "Them bears got him. Case closed." Why do we pay these assholes again?
Knowing that the police would never actually solve this case, I looked into it myself and discovered several things. One, the door was locked when Laura arrived, and there were no signs of forced entry. Two, there was no sign inside of a struggle in the apartment. No blood, no broken possessions. Three, several things went missing, probably stolen. Four, his stamp collection was left behind. Laura tearfully informed me that Craig would have never left town without it.
Unfortunately, from there, I couldn't find any more clues in his apartment. Piecing together what I did discover, my best hypothesis is that he got grabbed while outdoors, and the kidnapper later raided Craig's apartment. Clearly, it wasn't a bear.
Devastated, Laura begs, "Please, if anybody knows anything, help bring Craig home." Statistically speaking though, anybody in Lucy's Maw who has been missing for over twenty-four hours is likely dead or worse.
Next up, the body of a John Doe was discovered on the northside of town, hanging off a telephone by a hook buried in his face. My informant told me it took the LMPD over two hours to fish him down. During the process, two officers lost their grip on the slick wet pole, fell, and broke their tail bones. The thought of their suffering puts a smile on my face. These chuckle fucks also managed to drop the body face first into cement after a first twenty feet drop, smashing his face and leaving him unrecognizable. Good work, team.
Knowing the police report would be borderline illegible, I went to the morgue and interviewed Dr. Selina Macalby III about the body. She had this to say: "Well, dear, it appears that somebody took an unreasonably large shark hook and impaled it through the man's chin and tongue. Whoever did this was quite the artist. They managed to avoid killing him or bursting any major blood vessels. The man must have been hanging there for hours, unable to scream, slowly bleeding to death.
There was also a great deal of damage from when he struggled to unhook himself. It was quite a futile and painful endeavor due to the weight of his own body holding the hook in place. All that flailing around would have caused him extreme agony the whole time as the hook ripped and tore through-" Dr. Selina Macalby III proceeded to be a complete freak and wax poetically on the subject for another 3 minutes.
When I later hunted down Sheriff Cubbins, this is what he had to say: "This is to be expected. The bears usually get more creative around Halloween." In response, I firmly and politely pointed out that bears don't have opposable thumbs to hold a hook, let alone be able to carry a still living man up a pole. "Of course, they got opossum thumbs. How else do you explain that bear who chainsawed Carl and Samatha in half? Come on, Jessica, use your brain." I am so done with this shit. Jessica out.
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Haywire Handphone Havoc
By Katy Wiggs
I hate to be a total bummer, you guys, but it looks like it is going to be another week of phones being totally bogus. It's been tough keeping my spirits up while writing on this story weekly for the past few years with nothing but bad news. I tried pawning the story onto Jessica this week as a pick-me-up, and she went off on me. It was terrifying!
I got like a quote from Jessica: "Katy, you little chicken shit! I've already spent my entire Friday and Saturday investigating a murder, an abduction, and an arson case because the fucking pigs are too fucking dumb to do it themselves! Do you know how many fucking hours a week I spend researching my assignments? Do your fucking job, you dumb fuck, before I break your spine over my knee! And another thing, which one of you mother fuckers never refills the coffee machine? Is it you, Katy? Gary? Well?! Say something, you little bitches!"
While I had recorded another ten minutes of ranting, Eric told me not to put it all in. Anyway, when Jessica started flinging furniture around the office, I decided it was a good time to go out and interview local phone repairman Phil Gack about when we can expect phone service to return to normal. "Oh geez," he said with a cringe. "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
I asked if we could skip the bad news and just know the good news. I like good news! "Well, okay, if that's what you want. I think I might have figured out where the problem is. The phone line connecting Lucy's Maw with the rest of the world goes directly under the hedge maze. I bet when the City Council planted those hedges, they damaged the line."
I was ecstatic that Mr. Gack had discovered the problem; I could finally call my g-ma, but he looked so sad, and then I remembered there was also bad news. Knowing if I didn't ask, Jessica would fling me out of a window, I forced myself to ask what was wrong. He let out a defeated sigh and said, "Well, it's a maze, right? Finding the phone line is going to be tricky. It's probably going to be a while before it gets fixed. It could take a few months, maybe even a year."
Well, there you have it, folks; it looks like the phone lines will be fixed eventually. Hooray…
Local Psychopath Gets Away With It Again, That Shit Eating Mother Fucker
By Jessica Bricks
Yesterday when I reported on the Pump the Breaks going down in a blaze of glory, police claimed it was a bear that started the fire. People, I am fucking losing it. This is the third incident that these morons are blaming on bears this weekend when clearly none of these events are bear-related at all.
Just to spite the cops, I spent all day snooping around trying to figure out what really happened, and surprise, surprise, it was fucking Carlson Clancy. It's mind-boggling that this man is still on the streets after all the shit he has pulled. I don't know how he manages to squirm his way out of trouble every time. It's infuriating.
I got my hands on the police report and wanted to pull my hair out. Apparently, Clancy is allowed to burn down buildings as long as he can claim there was a bear in the area. The bear has been found guilty of felony arson. The stupidest part is that he claimed he killed the bear and there was no body! They caught him in a lie, and they didn't even care! What a load of bullshit. My blood is boiling.
The only 'proof' he had is his co-worker Kyle Yun claiming that he was attacked by the same bear. But I got Yun's medical report right in front of me, and it looks like he was jumped by a deranged seamstress. I doubt the police even read the medical report. I bet as soon as they had to do any fucking work, they rolled over and showed their belly. We need to repeal this War on Bears law now before Clancy burns down half the town fighting 'bears.' ED Note: I need to clarify that Jessica didn't steal the police and medical report for legal reasons. She just happened to find them on the ground when she was investigating. And good luck proving otherwise.
Got Weird Ass Monsters or Ghosts. Pay Me To Beat The Ever Loving Shit Out of Them.
By Carlson Clancy
I'm sure that those of you that don't have their head rammed straight up their assholes have noticed there is wack-ass shit in this town. Just to clarify, I don't mean Freaky Frank. I mean the weird shapes at the edge of vision, writhing and squirming, but nothing is there when you turn to look. Eyes watching from the darkness. The feeling of a hot wet breath on the back of your neck.
Anyway, if you're like me and sick of their monster shit, I'm willing to throw hands for reasonable rates. I'll go to town on these freaks. Call me at ###-###-####, and I'll be there the same day with a machete in hand and ready to start chopping.
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