Chapter 1
_ PAST / BARDO _
Sweat kept running down her face and neck, while the cold air in the room made the experience even more uncomfortable. She shivered while what could have been mistaken for sweat fell down her cheek and she closed her eyes trying to prevent more tears from following that single one.
Her brother's voice still rang so clear in her head even after the m-cap was done replaying her memory. "Yes" he had said with so much venom in his voice to actually convince Octavia that he wanted to see her dead. She knew now, just like a little part of her knew back then too, that that wasn't really true. He was just angry at her for what she had done and she couldn't really blame him. But that "Yes" still hurt more than any spiteful thing her brother ever said to her while enraged.
The first time Bellamy answered poorly to her was still impressed in her mind.
Their mother had left early for work leaving Octavia under the floor and she waited and waited and waited for Bellamy to come back home. Her mother had said Bellamy was going to come back soon and that she didn't have to stay in the hole too long, but time had passed and Bellamy still hadn't come home.
Her frustration when she was finally free of the small confinement, the first of so many in her life, had resulted in her throwing a tantrum for being left alone for so long. Bellamy had tried to calm her down but he must have been on a verge too because for the first time in her life he screamed back at her. The shock on Octavia's face must have registered in her brother's brain because he apologized right away and Octavia said that it was okay, but in reality from that moment on she had started to complain less and less about being forced to hide under the floor until the day came when she just started to do it and accepted that that was her life.
If even Bellamy had had enough of her complaining about the hole, Bellamy that always told her that he understood that it wasn't easy for her, then maybe she really needed to start accepting the situation for what it was.
And that was exactly what she did that night, stuck in that damn gorge, victim of so many things gone wrong and, she finally could admit it now, of her own bad choices, she accepted that there was only one thing left for her to do. Sacrifice herself.
She was ready. She gladly did it to save her people and, a small part of her did it to end the endless pain that accompanied her since she had lost Lincoln. Damn, maybe even before that.
But a small part of her, that little girl that used to worship her brother and hid from the world in a hole under the floor, needed to know for sure if her brother still cared about her and so she had asked. And while the words left her mouth she instantly regretted it realizing that she might not have liked what he would have said in return "What do you care if I die? Isn't that what you want?"
His "Yes" had broken her when she thought that there was nothing else left to break inside her. And it still did.
The heartache of thinking that her brother wanted her dead accompanied her through the bodies of her people, while she made her way towards the light beam searching for the sudden commotion that broke the silence. Her voice filled the night, the gun clicked its last round and she let it fall useless on the ground, spreading her arms wide and accepting her fate by dropping to her knees just like her love had done so many years ago now. She could die just like him, sacrificing herself for her people and making amends for her mistakes.
Her body trembled on the chair and a soft strangled noise filled the room.
"Octavia" Levitt's calming voice brought her back to reality. The cold air, the bright lights, the metal against her hot skin "Are we done for today?" she managed to ask wishing that the broken, raspy voice she heard wasn't coming from her.
Levitt disconnected the machine and she breathed a sigh of relief once the headset freed her head and she was able to relax her strained muscled. This was her umpteenth time on that machine but she still wasn't used to the exhaustion it left her with after every session.
She got to a seated position on the white chair and touched her head trying to make the dizziness go away and only when she felt Levitt's hand on her arm she looked at him, only to then frown at him when she recognized the emotion on his face. Pity.
"We're done" she said, this time not even a question and with spite in her voice. She didn't want him to look at her like that, her life was not some show for him to watch and judge or cry over.
"Octavia" repeated Levitt grabbing her more firmly already understanding that she was trying to get up, but worried she might be too weak to do so. "We can pick it up another time, but please stay calm and don't rush it. You need to take it easy after a session, you know this" "I'm fine!" she spatted back, regretting her tone right away "I'm fine" she said again in more gentle and also apologetic tone "I just need…" silence filled the room again, she didn't know what she needed.
To forget all of that ever happened? To not relieve it again? To go back to her brother? To forget about him? To forgive herself once and for all?
"I know" said Levitt, caressing her arm and then proceeding to get a glass of water ready for her "Maybe tomorrow you can show me some of the time you spent on Skyring?"
She half smiled at him grateful for his understanding "Maybe…" she smirked, only to be cut off by the door sliding open and Anders alongside Cadogan himself entered the room interrupting that moment between them.
Levitt automatically stepped back from her. No contact on Bardo and he was breaking the rules. Octavia felt sad for him thinking about how many times a simple touch had helped her in the past and trying to imagine how life could be like without it.
"Disciple Levitt" Ander's voice was authoritative as usual "Leave the room. Our Shepard has something to talk about with our guest"
The word guest almost made Octavia laugh. A guest was not kept in a cell and isolated from her family.
Levitt bowed his head lightly and was about to leave the room when Cadogan raised his hand and stopped him on his track "I think Miss Blake will benefit from your presence actually" he smiled at Octavia "It might help her understand what we are all about and what is our purpose" he said in that calming tone he probably learned how to use in his early days as a prophet for the end of the world. "War" spatted Octavia trying to slide off the chair, she would have felt more comfortable having that conversation standing up to assert her self-assurance in front of them and not leave them with all the power, but the only thing she managed to do in her still weakened state was sit in a better position on that chair "That's your purpose" she finished with clear distaste in her voice.
"The last war" he specified and Octavia couldn't help but snort this time "Last and only for you" she looked at him with contempt "You're talking about something you don't even understand"
"That's why your help is invaluable to us" continued Cadogan unfazed by what was meant to be an insult to his confidence "Your knowledge of war and combat is going to help us prepare better and when that moment will come we will be ready"
"Nobody is ready for war" she sighed "Especially a war against something you don't even know what it is" Anders was about to intercede but again Cadogan raised his hand and made him stop
"Again. Like I said, your intake on war is going to be what will help us understand it better" Octavia shook her head, this guy didn't get it and never will. War wasn't something you could learn, you could prepare all you wanted but the fact remained that war doesn't care about how prepared you are. They would all be overwhelmed by it when the time would come.
"My Shepard" Anders' voice broke the silence "With all due respect I don't think her…" he paused looking at her with such distaste Octavia wondered who the hell thought he could be a good second in command on that planet "...primitive ways might be of use to us. The last war is supposed to be the final battle for humanity to prove their value and for all we've seen here" he continued pointing to the m-cap digital screen where her memories had been re-played painfully in those last few months "it's nothing of a sort"
Octavia felt the need to say something but at the same time she really didn't have much to say. He was right after all. There was no value in what she had done, but nonetheless he seemed so sure that fighting this last war was going to be something worthy and she didn't know what else to tell them or show them to make them understand that there was nothing worse than being on a battlefield losing people around you for some cause.
"And in fact we are not condoning this kind of behavior" Cadogan gestured towards the screen as if something insignificant had just been shown there and Octavia took offense at that for a second, it was her life they were talking about after all "But you have to agree Anders that she surely knows more about being on a battlefield than we do" "Of course my Shepard, I just mean…" "I know what you mean" he interrupted him brusquely "What we've seen is far from what our way of life is all about, but that is exactly the point. Getting knowledge from people that have experienced it and then unite that information with our techniques" he looked straight at Octavia then and his expression changed from warm and inviting in a fake way, to hardened and cold "And we were lucky enough to get a queen on our hands nonetheless"
Octavia's expression hardened too at that and she raised her chin in defiance. Now his visit started to make sense to her: he wanted something else from her.
"What is it that you want?" she asked right away, tired of that conversation and eager to just get it over with. Cadogan smiled at her and Levitt looked a little worried, he probably knew that whatever his Shepard was about to ask her she most likely wouldn't have given it to him and things could only get worse from now on.
"Wonkru" he admitted in the end taking a step closer to her.
Octavia frowned confused at him "Wonkru?" she parroted back and Cadogan nodded at that "Didn't you just see that?" she asked pointing at the screen behind him "I'm no queen no more" she said with a sarcastic tone while her heart clenched remembering the moment when all Wonkru had screamed her demise - nou Blodreina nowe – she looked away for a second only to push aside those dark thoughts and concentrate again on what was going on in front of her.
Cadogan let out a little laugh as if she had said something silly "You grew up hidden under a floor and learned how to fight just barely having finished taking the first breathe of air once landing on earth" Octavia looked at him suspicious now "You managed to win a battle fought for generations by warriors trained just to complete that task. You ended up uniting them under one clan doing what so many commanders before you couldn't" "I'm no commander" she was quick to rectify but he just kept on going "You kept them alive and strong while the red blood that they rejected so badly became their symbol" silence followed while Cadogan kept staring at her pointedly while Octavia felt sick to her stomach at the mention of the red blood that represented her descend into darkness.
"And then turned into their worse nightmare" she concluded for him trying again to get up from that damn chair wishing she could just walk out of that room filled with reminders of what she was trying to leave behind. She saw Levitt almost reaching out to help her but stopped him with a quick stare, reminding him that he couldn't get close to her. They weren't alone.
"Leaders are always questioned from those around them" continued Cadogan with what looked like sadness in his eyes, but that disappeared fast and his usual stoic presumptuous expression reappeared "You just tried to control them with what they'd known their all life: force and violence. That was the only language they could understand and you just adapted to that. That was smart" Octavia looked at him with distaste, she didn't know if for herself though, at the thought that Cadogan was sort of complimenting her. "I didn't want to control them, that was not the point" she found herself justifying her actions "Of course not. You started with the best intentions but, Miss Blake, their bloodthirsty culture only allowed them to listen to you when you lowered yourself to their standards and that was the key to everything"
"Those are my people you're talking about" defending them came naturally to her and she realized her mistake as soon as she finished her sentence. "They were my people" she corrected herself knowing it wouldn't help anyway "And they will be again" prompted Cadogan while Anders and Levitt looked at him questionably "My Shepard…" it was Anders that broke the silence trying to get answers and looking slightly irritated that his leader hadn't shared his ideas with him beforehand apparently "Miss Blake will be so kind to get us her Wonkru to assist us in the Last War"
He looked so proud of his plan and so sure that she was going to oblige him, Octavia knew the blackmail to force her to give him what he wanted was right around the corner "Wonkru will never follow me again and, even if they would, I wouldn't lead them into another useless war"
Cadogan expression got hard at that "It is the most important war humanity will ever have the privilege of fighting" Octavia finally found the strength to get up from that chair and she didn't even try to hide the spite in her voice "Fighting a war is not a privilege, no matter the cause"
It had taken her 10 years to get to that conclusion and she couldn't even believe that those sentences were coming from her. Cadogan was right about one thing: fighting had been the first thing she had learn how to do once landed on earth. That had been all she had known for so long that nothing else made sense to her at one point. Now everything was different.
Denying war and fighting made her feel guilty towards the person that had been her Seda for so long and to whom she owed so much. But Diyoza helped her reach an inner peace that she was longing for, without even knowing it was possible to find, and now she couldn't think of going back to all of that. She didn't want to lose herself again.
"I'm not getting you Wonkru" she stated, ending that conversation that had no point in taking place in her opinion. They could do what they wanted to her, she would never change her mind.
Levitt must have sensed that the situation was changing and that things were escalating, because he tried to intercede "My Shepard, maybe we don't…"
"I knew it wasn't going to be easy, Miss Blake" Cadogan interrupted him, not even showing he had heard him and Levitt took a step forward, but Octavia stopped him again with a stare. She really didn't want him to get in trouble only to try and help her.
"During your time as Blodreina though you learned quite well how to get people to do your bidding" continued Cadogan and Octavia knew he was about to show her who was in charge there "And considering you people are all about selfish bonds it's pretty easy to persuade you"
Octavia felt that old fear creeping up her spine – I'm not afraid – it had been so long since she had uttered those words to herself. Fear was something that people with something to lose had, she had lost everything at one point that she didn't even know what being afraid had felt like. Now she could feel it again.
A long silence followed during which Octavia and Cadogan kept looking at each other. Two leaders, or former leader in one case, assessing the situation and trying to make the next move to win the game.
"You'll be send back to Penance. One by one. To grow old and die alone" Anders forceful voice filled the silence all of a sudden and Cadogan turned to look at his second in command.
His expression showed clearly that he wasn't so happy with the interference, but he didn't say anything at first. He looked at Octavia again and she knew that the horror of hearing those words should have been on her features, and it would have been if she hadn't spent 6 years hiding behind a mask to lead 814 people.
"We are not quite there yet, right Miss Blake?" asked Cadogan scolding Anders with just one long cold stare "To threats" he clarified "The life you've had made you smarter than that"
The compliment did nothing to convince her that he wouldn't do what Anders had just suggested. Even if he was clearly trying to persuade her with more finesse than Anders, he had been the first one to threaten her by hinting at selfish bonds.
"You need your people to be able to fight a war and they are not at all ready" she needed to give him something without giving him everything. She needed to get him to back off for now, while she could work at a plan to get out of there, but to do so she needed Diyoza.
"You asked me to train your people" she continued and Cadogan nodded seemingly pleased that she was cooperating at least "And you refused me that too" he clarified "Well, I'm agreeing to it now. I will train your people in exchange for Diyoza and Hope's freedom" Cadogan let out a little laugh "And what makes you think that I would accept such a less compelling deal" he gestured towards Anders "when I can just force you to give me Wonkru and train my people by threaten to send all three of you on Penance?"
"Because the alternative is that you get nothing" she said with a certainty she surely didn't feel. Cadogan gestured for her to continue and explain to him what she meant "I won't train your people, but you can get Diyoza to do it to save Hope and send me to Penance to die alone" "Exactly" confirmed Cadogan still smiling "I won't get you Wonkru, but Diyoza surely can't get it for you either. Now, Diyoza knows combat and weaponry, but what happens if the last war is fought with swords and blades and spears?" the smile on his face started to disappear having figure out where she was going with that "I know both. So if you send me to Penance you get your people half trained and you don't get Wonkru. But if you accept my deal, well you still won't get Wonkru, but you'll get your people trained"
Octavia could see Levitt smile behind Cadogan and she knew she was winning the negotiations. Cadogan looked at her for what seemed like forever "Your years lived in a primitive culture made you who you are now Miss Blake" he stated in a cold voice "The fighting, the compromises made with enemies and with your own soul made you think that that is what life is all about. So I understand that comprehending the concept behind this last war is hard for you, but living with us will make you believe" he kept looking at her as if she was something to be pitied but Octavia stayed silent and stoic waiting for him to agree to her deal "I accept your proposal, but your family won't be freed like you asked. They are going to stay here and my people will be trained by a warrior and a military" he started walking towards the exit and Anders quickly followed suit.
Cadogan stopped in front of the closed door as Anders opened it with the palm of his hand "You both will understand the importance of this war and you will be the one to get me Wonkru in the end knowing that the salvation of humanity depends on it"
He left the room leaving Anders behind, he gestured a guard from the corridor to come inside "Bring the prisoner back to her cell" he instructed "Actually I wasn't done with the session, sir" intervened Levitt but Anders cold stare told him that he was apparently.
The guard grabbed Octavia by the arm and escorted her towards the door only to be stopped but Anders' voice "Once the Shepard will have Clarke Griffin and the key" he told Octavia looking at her with all the distaste he could master "our guards will be able to fight the last war and you and all your primitive friends will be saved even if your ignorance is keeping you from understanding how important that is right now"
All that hate and still he was professing transcendence of the human race, so they could all reach a higher level of being. "For all mankind, right?" she mocked him even if he didn't seem to notice it "Exactly Miss Blake" he just replied sure of his beliefs and with a nod toward the guards the conversation was over and Octavia ended up being locked again in her cell.