[Content warning: This chapter and the one following it will be dealing with the topic of suicidal ideation. This chapter handles it more obliquely, but that will not be the case going forward]
She had to go over the task with her spren once more. "You remember what I said about giving him food if he asks for it? And if anything goes wrong, you'll come find me?"
Design laughed, the strange angular sleeves of her robe holding Gavinor in her crossed arms. "This is the twelfth time you've asked me those questions!"
"Volume, volume," Kari reminded her spren, who nodded absently. Taking a deep breath, Kari let herself relax and finally walked away, heading to the market area of Celebrant. Kaladin was with Adolin, handling their money situation, but Kari just wanted to browse.
She'd been expecting to do so alone, but almost immediately someone fell into lock step next to her: the grim leader of the now defunct Wall Guard, Highmarshall Azure. The scarred woman was shorter than Kari by at least half a head, but she carried herself with so much confidence...Kari took a deep breath, trying to keep her eyes in front of her, on the various stalls and shops, and not on the fascinating woman walking beside her.
"I'm confused about a few things," Azure said suddenly. The woman had a voice to match her face, more gruff than most people expected from a woman, but with an element of perfect control to it, as though she could land each word exactly as she wanted without even having to try.
"I'm adrift in the storm regarding you as well. Question for question, answer for answer?" It was a game she had tried to play with her older sister a few times before, though Jasnah had been frustrated by Kari's incompetence. Just like everyone else.
Rather than actually agreeing to the game, Azure looked at the wares of a nearby store. For a moment, Kari was sure she'd rejected the idea, before a question was suddenly thrown her way. "I've heard them say you're Adolin's cousin. Your son is the crown prince Gavinor. But you're not the queen. Are you King Elhokar?"
The question made Kari uncomfortable in her own skin. I went by that name for most of my life...though the title never sat well with me. "Y-yes, in a way? I'm...well..." She tried to think of an easy way to explain it. "I went by that name before, but I go by Kari now. I am a woman, it just...took becoming a Radiant for that to be obvious to other people." Her fingers lightly played with the safepouch hidden in her sleeve, a nervous tic she'd taken up recently, as though to reassure herself of her femininity. "I'm not the king anymore. I don't think she's been coronated yet, but my older sister is taking the throne from me."
Azure snorted and shook her head, but to Kari's surprise there was an amused smile on her lips. "The Cosmere is weirdly small sometimes..." Then she looked at Kari head on, looking slightly abashed. "Apologies for using the wrong name. Won't happen again." Kari expected a follow-up question about the gender aspect of that, but it didn't come.
Realizing it was her turn, Kari couldn't help but cut right to her most obvious question. "What is that?" She pointed to the weapon sheathed on Azure's hip.
"A sword." Azure leaned close to a shelf to examine a vial full of some liquid, and Kari almost objected to the answer before the other woman added more detail. "I'm kidding, I know what you mean. Let's see...what did he call her...Type 4, that was it. She's a Type 4 Bio-Chromatic Entity." She turned her head to see Kari's confused expression, and let out a short bark of a laugh. "Sorry, princess. That's all you get about her for now. Next question: why'd you give up the throne?"
Kari looked down at the ground, shuffling in place as she tried to think of some way to explain it. Some way that didn't involve admitting the Truth she still felt incapable of saying aloud. "My sister is older. Now that it's clear to everyone I was never a man, it's also evident that the throne was never mine to take." She didn't know if her relief at that idea slipped into her tone or not.
Azure clicked her tongue. "Older siblings can abdicate. I've seen younger sisters take a throne that could have belonged to someone else."
The idea made Kari tilt her head. "Yes, that is an option, but...it's almost never done in Alethi successions. We tend to force people to fit the roles they're born to fill, sadly." The sheer weight of that crown loomed over Kari again in that moment, and the freedom of knowing it was no longer her burden was emboldening.
The spren shopkeeper spoke up, shaking their head. "The same has been said of many human cultures all over the Cosmere." There was obvious disapproval in their tone, despite the fact that the golden mask they wore over their misty body didn't change to show expressions.
"They're not wrong," Azure said with a sigh. "My homeland is no different. My father tried forcing me into a specific role my entire life, one I would have been terrible at, and it's only thanks to his favoritism winning over his pragmatism that he spared me that fate."
In that moment, Kari felt a strange certainty that Azure knew what the Alethi princess's struggle was like, more than she ever could have expected. In a moment of boldness, she reached out and took the other woman's gloved safehand in her freehand. "I'm glad; that your life went the way it did, I mean. If it hadn't you wouldn't be here." Feeling her face heat up, Kari quickly added, "A-and that would be a shame, because from what I've heard you're quite capable."
When Kari gathered enough bravery to look up into the eyes of Azure, she saw the woman looked startled, as expected...though not offended. No, in fact Kari could almost swear the women had a hint of red to her cheeks as well, though it was hard to tell with her Aleth-like complexion. "Thanks. I won't say I'm fond of every direction my life has taken, but..." She shrugged, unsure how to finish the sentence.
The sudden sound of a small human child crying out filled the market, and before Kari could mentally register what was happening, she was sprinting back to where she'd left Design. Luckily, they'd barely moved, and Kari was able to take hold of her screaming son and lead him to a quieter section of the city to defuse the situation.
Handling her son was a skill she was still trying to pick up, and the strange landscape and spren all around them didn't make calming Gavinor down any easier.
Still, she managed it, though it ended up requiring sitting on the ground, back against a wall, with her son in her lap. Design came up and looked down at the two of them. "How is he able to hold in all that sound? There is so much, and he is so small."
The question made Kari smile. "I would love to know myself." The princess let out a long sigh, then ruffled her son's hair affectionately with her freehand. "And things were going so...well, maybe not great, but I'd hoped to talk to Azure more."
Design settled down on the ground next to Kari, mimicking her posture exactly, though it looked strange with the Cryptic's bizarre appearance. "Why is that a problem? She is leaving the city with us. You can talk to her at a later date." The spren's voice hummed with a bright, chipper quality, as though she'd never known an ounce of hardship.
Which, considering what Kari knew of her, might have been true. Design had problems finding a word in Alethi to describe what it was she did before coming to the Physical Realm, but the closest approximation seemed to be 'literary critic'.
"I know I can talk to her later, but..." Looking around to see if anyone else was nearby, Kari lightly covered her son's ears and whispered, "...I was hoping it would be alone. I don't want us to be overheard." Just as Gavinor started to protest and revolt against the silencing, Kari took her hands away and kissed the top of his head, whispering words she hope might soothe him further.
The pattern of Design's symbol head started to change faster, something Kari had noticed was a sign that the spren was thinking more intently. "Private conversation? But why? Espionage unlikely...assassination too...oh!" Design clasped her long fingered white hands together. "You wish to be romantically associated with her! She is your love interest!"
Covering her blushing face with her hands, Kari groaned, "Ugh, just kill me now..."
The moment the words left her mouth, Kari knew they had been a mistake. They elicited an immediate sharp twinge of memory and guilt, and Gavinor curled up tighter, refusing to speak even as Kari tried to coax him into activity with kind words, promising she wouldn't leave him again.
"A...sad truth...mmm..." Design hummed, even her spirits dimmed by the topic. "Kari, you...have not confronted this Truth."
She held Gavinor tighter, almost possessively. "There's no truth to admit. It was...a poorly thought out joke. An expression, a figure of speech, I know Cryptics struggle with those, but-"
Design didn't let her continue. "Do not try to deceive me. Please." She reached out a pale hand, and held on to Kari's shoulder. "I followed you, for such a long time. I know. If you are not ready to admit it, if you don't want to let the others know, that is...fine. But do not try to lie to me. You are not well. Your transition has not fixed everything."
Oh, how Kari wished it had. It would be wonderful if she could keep pretending the magical change to her body cleared out all ills, all woes, and left her stainless.
It did not. Nothing would ever erase her stains, her sins. "I'm...sorry. You're right. And I'm doing better. The thoughts have been quiet lately." A half lie, but one that Design didn't challenge.
Shouts arose, and it soon became clear this city was not exactly the most favorable place to be for enemies of Odium after all. As Kari ran to the docks, carrying her son into danger, she privately thanked the Almighty for the change in topic.