"Totally Recalled…"
Summary: Another acting exercise for new and somewhat baby-blued mom, Mrs. Penelope Hofstadter and her entourage. For the prequel of sorts, read "Sheldon Swifties LXXV: 'The Creation Fluctuation'…"
In the late 22nd century a young and supposedly happy housewife finds herself drawn to another existence on the Mars colony, currently under the crushing heel of a brutal dictator… ("And his vicious secret police chief girlfriend!" Bernadette hisses.
"supposedly happy"…Leonard sighs. Maybe this wasn't such a good…
"Guys." Howard sighs to group. "I don't know if I can do the Dictator. Mom came to me in a dream last night and started complaining, "Now, ya wanna be Hitler?"
"Fine. I'll be the Dictator." Bernadette notes. "You be the sidekick."
"Actually, that does somehow seem to fit…" Howard nods.
"Hey, we have a former secret police chief right here, you know?" Raj fumes.)
Disclaimer: They're all Chuck's. Except Penny Hauser.
Part XXVI…
Access tunnel of the Tycho Platform…
"Looks like there's a lot of debris ahead blocking the way past the next force field and atmospheric containment's lost." Agnes reported to Adam. "What do you think, sir? Hauser's likely dead."
"I think Amy would say Hauser has ten not nine lives and Bernadette would insist we show her a body or parts thereof." Adam noted. "But we'll need some assist here." Agnes turning to eye him through her suit helmet viewpane.
"And here it comes…" he noted, checking his scanner. "Hello?" he spoke into mike, adjusting his transmitter. "This is UN Security Agent Captain Thresher, Id code Alpha-one-O-chi-seven. We've detected your approach, please identify at once."
"Always make use of any tools at hand, Agnes." He noted to her on their frequency, waving for her to adjust as well to UN Security standard.
…
"How far is the ship from here?" Penny asked.
"When we get there, you'll know." Hauser noted, sternly.
"Hey!"
"Eh…It's just I'm locking on to the power signature. I don't know the exact coordinates and the ship is moved in orbit constantly. But, just so ya won't keep askin', we've at least four hours to go."
"Four hours!"
"They weren't gonna park it right next to the main launch platform for the Colonies, now, were they? And suit thrusters aren't the fastest means of space travel, ya know? Be glad lunar gravity's so low or we'd really be taking our time…If not spiraling down for a crash landing. Be patient. Watch a movie or something."
("Is that how we know it's still Penny in there? Not suggesting her counterpart read a book? Very clever, Leonard." Sheldon beamed.
"It's not…I swear." Leonard to Penny's stare. "Howard? How's one small change?")
"…Or read a book?" Hauser noted.
("That's right, Penelope." Penny waved to camera. "Mommie reads like gangbusters!"
Lying to my goddaughter…Sheldon, sighing. What next? He sighed to Amy.
"Sheldon? She just wants to encourage Penny Jr. To counter the genetic predisposition to alcohol and promiscuity."
"Thanks, bestie." Penny, sighing.
"I got your back, bestie. When I'm not killing you for Art." Nod. "You know, if we have you watch 'Little House…' it suggests a bond between the real Hauser and Amy Quade."
"Could we please?!" Howard, fuming.)
…
"Afraid we still can't cut through the ion interference to reach Main Security…" one of the three person UN Security team, in UN standard space suits, noted to Adam.
"It's fine. Your credentials are verified in my local database." He smiled through space faceplate. "As ours were in yours. We can proceed. Though if you'd prefer to take the lead, Lieutenant…?"
"No, Captain, you're the ranking officer and you two got here first. What are your orders?" the tall, rather handsome, wavy-haired…
("Nah, I did that, Howard." Penny grinned as he and Bernadette frowned at Rajesh. "He's been a good sport doing all these bit parts and I know Lucy gets a kick out of it."
"Banned from the script keyboard." Bernadette, sternly.
"What my assistant director said." Howard agreed.
"Ok, ok…" Penny shrugged, hands up in placating gesture.
Heck, I sleep with the head screenwriter anyway, she noted to Amy.)
…
"Duhoh!" Homer Simpson groaned, scanning the controls of the Jupiter 2. "That Dr. Smith sabotaged the controls again!"
"Oh, no. Well, I'd best get out the cleaning supplies and wipe down the mess he left, since all I'm good for is cleaning and cooking, even though I'm supposed to be an astronaut, your partner in the command of this expedition, and a leading exobiologist." Marge noted.
"Well, Dad…If you really were a brilliant physicist and an able commander, you'd've detected it and finally put Smith out the airlock." His son Bart noted, sarcastically.
"My boy? I thought we were dear friends…You told me this was a way to get back to Earth!" Dr. Sideshow Bob Smith watching while quivering in fear, shocked.
"Eh, I'm possessed by another evil alien you unleashed." Bart shrugged. Evil alien ruler Monty Burns in bubble rubbing hands…Excellent.
"Danger! Danger, Bart Simpson! Alien force detected!"
"Brilliant, you cantankerous clod!" Smith glared at the B-9 robot waving arms.
"I tell ya…" Penny, chuckling as Hauser's floating head outside her suit frowned at the images playing in Penny's suit visor. "Combining 'The Simpsons' with 'Lost in Space'…Brilliant. This'll run on holostream for another century at least."
"Yeah, yeah…" Hauser sighed.
…
"Sir?" the Lieutenant of the UN Security team called back from his spot in the lead… "We've reached some sort of side tunnel…Looks like it may have been used by smugglers and power's definitely been activated recently."
"Excellent job, Lieutenant." Adam beamed. "That's where our quarry's gone. Wait for us, we'll be right up." Turning to Agnes, he made slight, quick throat slicing gesture, she nodding.
Pity…I did think I could have had something going with that Lieutenant…So nice and self-deprecating…She thought.
("Comic relief, that's all." Leonard, eyeing Lucy's stare. "She's gonna kill him without a thought in a sec…" Both glancing to where Ramona was now rather eagerly discussing the next scenes with Raj.
Uh…He offered wan smile to Lucy's grimmer stare.
See…I tole you it was a bad idea, Penny looking over, shaking head. But no, my lil' comic genius has to get every lame joke he can squeeze, in…
She never showed Raj or me the time of day before…How was I to know she's Elisabeth Plimpton II? He sighed to her.
Did you just maritally telepathically say "or me" there? Penny's sternly inquiring look. Or were you asking if we can eat instead of make out on our lunch break?)
…
Now we're talking…The pilot episode…Amy thought, contentedly, watching holoscreen.
"Amy…" her neural implant buzzing.
"Adam?"
"Hey. Just wanted to tell you we found another tunnel, probably a smuggler's thing, that it looks like Hauser escaped by. I'd afraid she's not dead and is probably headed for her ship, the one she had left shielded in orbit. Sorry to be the bearer of possibly bad tidings, dear."
"Great…" Amy sighed. "And we have no idea where that ship of hers may be. Well, at least Bernadette may be pleased to hear her rebellious foster daughter's still kicking despite my best efforts."
"Could be a silver lining there…" he agreed. "But if she takes her ship, the fusion drive can't be concealed by the Martian magnetosphere system, at least in the limited form our people have been able to generate. We're sure to detect her. And your ship's fast enough to catch any ship."
"As will the UN forces…And they have even faster scout ships. They'll be swarming all over her…And us, if we try to chase her. We'll have to wait and pose as part of a transport." Amy, shaking head. "And if they take her alive…Hell and worse, Bernadette, to pay."
"She won't let them take her alive…" hesitant, as if awaiting reassurance.
"We can't be sure of anything she'll do, now." Amy noted. "She might be seeking an alliance with Targaryen for all we know, the traitor." Frown.
Nellie to my Laura…Why can't Bernadette see that I'm the truly loyal sorta daughter?
Even if I would then eliminate "Mom" to seize the throne…That's just good politics. And God knows, Penny's plan from day one.
Hey, "Mom" Corversant always had an eye for shrewd, realpolitik, political talent in her people…
"You may as well join me now, honey." Amy suggested. "There's nothing more you can do on the Platform. I'll send you the rendezvous coordinates and we'll see if maybe we can still catch her before she finds her ship."
"Ok…Just let me deal with Agnes, in a nice way…She was a lot of help here. Oh, by the way, we had to kill three UN security personnel just now. They'd seen too much and would have been a problem when I left."
"Well, business is business, honey. That's nice that you want to be nice to Agnes. But make sure you kill her. Targaryen's Singh and Moray aren't as willing to use torture as Bernadette, but their people aren't bad with mind probes and they've just seized Rekal's remaining facilities on Earth, it was on the ten o'clock news." Amy, concerned.
"That's awful…He's a brilliant entrepreneur and it's a private enterprise, the UN of E claims to be a democratic government, how can they do that?" Adam's voice, outraged.
"Martial law. Targaryen's pulling out the iron fist." Amy, shaking head. "Hurry on up, here, I miss you."
"Miss you too. Can I say in spite of the problems that have cropped in this one, the idea of a four months cruise home to Mars with you? Plus waiting in orbit to follow a transport? Not bad payback."
"Adam…" she cooed. "About time, too. Two and a half months on Earth pretending to be her best friend while watching her moon over you…"
"I like hearing you all jealous." His voice coy.
…
"So, you are sure…?" Penny asked as she drifted. "That ship is still there?"
"The power signature says so…" Hauser's voice noted.
"Great…" sigh.
"What? You're bored? It's been all of fifty minutes."
"Well…I'm a doer, I like to keep busy. Not just watching Holovision and that was the latest 'Simpsons in Space'."
"Could've fooled me, from what I have in my database from your time on Earth with the Quades. Well…Doin'…What, fer instance? I have some training videos I made for my agents."
"Oh? Training as in…"
"Espionage, surveillance, how to kill a guy or girl twice your size…How to survive what ought to be a fatal shot, stab, or blast wound..."
"Uh…Pass, thanks."
"Got a video for the Mars colonization program…Might be useful for you…"
"Oh…?"
"'Course it's all about the history of Mars colonization and how to survive there. Not a tour of the stores."
"Excuse me?!"
Of course, it can useful to know what stores are there…And how well stocked they are…
"Exercise video? You are a bit out of shape. Some are good for low gravity…"
"Hey! Ummn…Maybe later. Oh, we got 'Sex and the City', I'll try that."
"Lovely."
"Any news from Earth or Lunar Colony?"
"About the maniac terrorist? Namely, you…If they catch us…? Sure, plenty. Say, there's a picture…" Hauser displaying grainy picture of Penny in flight attendant's outfit.
"We look awful." Penny stared, shaking head.
"The victims look worse…" Hauser noted.
"Hey…I didn't mean…" Penny, tearing up.
"Oh, don't start bawling…It sends the humidity skyrocketing. Just watch your show and let me get us there."
"They're searching for us. And they know what I look like…" Penny sighed.
"And they probably know who you…We…Are…Though Targaryen is clever enough not to put it out that Corversant's top agent is behind all this."
"But…"
"They have to assume it. I would." Hauser noted.
"If they know what we look like…" Penny gulped. "When we get to that ship…"
"We'll get by. And I have a distraction…"
"You're not gonna blow up something else!"
"Nah, though it's not a bad idea. I'll use your ship."
"Ship? What ship? I have a ship? Or do you mean…?"
"That one's not yours…Yet. And how do you think we got to Earth?"
"I figured we must've bought a ticket like most people. Why didn't you tell me we have a ship? We could go now…"
"At fusion top, we couldn't outrun the UN scouts. And it'll take four months to reach Mars. That's way too long."
"Well, couldn't we use it to reach the other ship? Is that your plan, now?"
"We fire up the ship and it'll be detected, even with the special shielding it's got. Which by the way is how the tunnel was hit, back there. A missile, shielded from UN scanners…Likely fired by your best friend, Amy, from orbit. Or one of her guys."
"Amy?"
"Or one of her guys. Adam's third in command, as I told you. And he was busy chasing us on the ground."
Nice to know the lady's in charge…Even if she's out to kill me.
"But what do you plan to do with…Our…Ship?"
"It's still in orbit, undetected. But the minute I fire it up, the UN will spot it. They'll think it's you…Us…Trying to escape. That'll give us our chance, in three hours or so."
"Three more hours…" sigh.
"That's when we'll get there. See I do answer questions." Hauser's face grinning.
"Fine. Lemme watch 'Sex and the City'. Unless…?"
"What? Is there porn?" Hauser, peering.
"No…Geesh. I mean, unless you'd show me something about Leonard?"
"Classified, by us." Hauser noted, sternly. "I've told you what I could."
"Couldn't I just see him? In the real holovisual flesh?"
"Afraid he won't be as pretty as your dreams? Thought you heard me ask about porn?" Hauser, smiling.
"No. Jerk. Why wouldn't I wanna see the guy I'm supposed to be doing all this for…?"
"Fine. One clip, that's all. And you won't get the context, now."
"Ok, roll em."
"Hey, are you getting this shot ok?" a man's voice, over a radio speaker. "This is the view you had to see, Ms. Hauser. The Elysium Plantia at sunrise…"
Penny, peering at the view in her suit's holographic faceplate viewer…The windswept surface of a rocky and forbidding plateau, the weak, small sun rising over a tall cliff.
"It's beautiful." Penny heard her own voice, though harsher in some way, like Hauser's.
"And down there is where the Elysia river once ran…See?" the man now stepped before the camera in his red space suit, pointing. Turning to face the camera, a broad smile in a gentle, open face, eyes sparkling with intelligence.
(Oh, right…We have to keep from the keyboard, Raj hissed to Lucy, frowning to Bernadette who was beaming at Penny's rap face through the viewplate of the mock up space suit.
Oh, can it, Raj. I know I banned her but she and Leonard had a rough time and that's a woman in love, saved by love. I know the feeling…Fond look to Herr Director who gave a careful…Slow close in…Signal. Good, hold it.)
"Leonard…" Penny heard her voice say…Gently…No harshness…
Leonard, she breathed in echo.
"Ok, that's him. Whadaya think?" Hauser asked, the viewplate clearing to show a view of deep space and stars…
"Lets get that damned ship and get to Mars." Penny, firmly.
(Nope, we're not eating at lunch today, bucko…Stern glance to Leonard.)
…