By the time Olivia's birthday rolled around again, Elliot and Noah could feel her anxiety surrounding the day building. He hadn't pushed, but he did get her to agree at least on a dinner with Noah and him, even if it was at the house. He was going to cook for them. He knew it would make her feel less overwhelmed and he hoped that he could get her to at least relax a little. He had picked Noah up from work and they were in the kitchen setting things up, Elliot could tell the boy was anxious.
"You okay Noah?" He looked over at him and he shrugged, "Worried about your Mom?"
"I just know she doesn't like her birthdays. I don't know why…because she always makes my birthday a big deal but I just wish she'd enjoy hers too."
Elliot sighed and wiped his hands off on a towel before walking over to him. It wasn't his story to tell but he knew at some point it was going to be a bridge that Olivia had to cross with her son. It was part of her past and impacted her every day. "Sometimes….people just aren't big on celebrating their birthdays." Noah just stared at him, clearly not believing his response, "Noah…"
"Does it have something to do with her Mom?" Elliot was quiet, "Or her Dad? She…told me she never met him. And I know my Grandma…well she makes me call her Serena…I know she doesn't get along with her well."
"Your Grandma makes you call her Serena?" Noah nodded and he sighed, "Not everyone is as close to their parents as you are to your Mom. It's just…the way it is."
"Are you close to your parents?" He froze and then said, "I…I mean I know your Dad…"
Elliot smiled and said, "My Dad is gone…that's true. We weren't the closest, no. And my Mom…we try. But it's not always easy." He nudged him playfully, "You are very lucky to have the relationship you do with your Mom, don't ever forget that."
Noah nodded slowly, "Well whatever the reason is…we'll just do our best to make sure she has a good day?"
Elliot gave him a wink and reached for items on the counter, "Absolutely."
Unfortunately for them, they didn't realize that Olivia's past was going to hit her square on today, even unintentionally.
Olivia and Fin had been tasked with going through old evidence boxes from unsolved cases to see if there was any connection to the case they were currently working on. They were sitting in a dusty old room sorting through boxes. Olivia was sitting on the floor, headphones on as she listened to tape after tape, needing to listen to so many victims that had never found justice was draining.
Fin kicked her foot and she looked over at him, "When are we going to be able to stop doing the bitch work?"
She laughed and looked at him, "We're still the new kids on the totem pole Fin."
He glared at her and said, "Coming on a year now…"
"Yeah, but our only other competition is John and he's been here since the Dinosaurs walked so…we're screwed." She reached for another box and sighed, "Just keep going and hopefully we can get out of here sooner rather than later."
"Big Birthday plans with Noah and your man?" Fin asked with a smirk.
Olivia blushed and shook her head, "Just…dinner. Nothing crazy."
Fin smiled and whispered, "I'm just glad that you are celebrating at all. Big step for you Benson." She looked down nervously, "It's okay to feel happy…especially today of all days."
She smiled and nodded slowly, "Alright, can we get back to work please so that I can go home and see my boys?" He smirked at her and she realized what she said, "God…let it go. Yes…I'm happy. Okay? Elliot makes me happy, and Noah always has so…yeah."
"Good." He said with a smile, "That makes me happy too."
"Well enough of this happiness." She pointed to the box, "Get back to work partner."
Fin grumbled but reached for another box settling into his tapes. She grabbed a random tape on top that was unmarked and popped it in the player. Leaning back, she closed her eyes and tried to relax. But moments later, that suddenly came crashing down when she heard the voice speaking.
Can you state your name for the record, please?
Serena Benson.
Olivia nearly jumped out of her skin, she immediately pressed stop on the tape player. Her heart was pounding, she was breathing hard and her whole body seemed to be trembling, "Liv?"
She ejected the tape, slipped it into her pocket without thinking, and jumped up, stumbling as she went, "I…I…I'm not feeling so good." She waved her hand in front of her face, "Must be all the dust down here…I need to-"
She burst through the doors while Fin called after her but she didn't stop moving. When she got upstairs, she heard Don call to her, "Hey, Benson. I was thinking you should get out of here early. We're not getting anywhere today anyway-" He paused, "Are you okay?"
She put her hands behind her back to try and hide the shaking, "Headache…"
Don frowned, "Happens down there…why don't you head home? It is your birthday after all."
Grateful for an out, she smiled and whispered, "Great. Thank you." She turned and walked towards her desk, grabbed her coat and bag, and took off, slipping into the elevator just as Fin walked into the room.
"Did Olivia leave?" Fin asked, catching his breath.
Don turned to him, "I let her go since it was her birthday…we're not doing much anyway." He saw the worried look on Fin's face and suddenly wondered if it wasn't a headache that Olivia had after all, "What's going on Tutuola?"
"I…I don't know." Fin said with a frown, "She was fine, or I thought she was. And then she pressed play on a new tape and just…freaked out."
Don frowned and then his face fell, "You don't think it could have been…"
Fin was confused for a moment and then began to catch on, "Her Mom's tape?"
Don sighed, "They never found her rapist…"
"Shit…" He reached for his phone, "I should call her." He sighed and then said, "But she won't answer. I know she won't."
Don rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "Call Stabler." Fin turned to him, "He just might be the only person who gets through to her."
Fin nodded slowly and turned towards his desk, scrolled through to find Elliot's name and hoped he would answer.
Back at the apartment, Elliot had texted Olivia a few times to see when she would be home but had not received an answer. He assumed she was just busy and hoped she was still coming home for dinner. Noah was setting the table for dinner when his phone rang on the kitchen counter. Hoping it was Olivia, he grabbed it but frowned when he saw Fin's name on the front.
"Hey…Tutuola." He turned hoping Noah wouldn't hear him in case anything was wrong, "Everything okay?"
The door opened at that exact moment and Olivia walked in looking a bit disheveled, giving him his answer, "Hang on a second Fin…"
"Mom!" Noah ran towards her and wrapped his arms around her but she seemed frozen in place, "Happy Birthday!"
Elliot watched as she slowly lifted her arms, wrapping them awkwardly around her son, "H-hi honey."
Noah looked up at her, "Dinner's not ready yet but soon! It's going to be delicious."
She nodded slowly and detached herself from him, "Dinner, right. Um…I'm-I'm just going to take a shower real quick, okay? I'll…" She looked over at Elliot, the phone pressed to his ear as he watched her, "I'll be back."
She didn't stop to say anything to Elliot and he knew whatever Fin was calling about wasn't going to be good. Noah looked back at him, a worried expression on his face, "Hey buddy…finish up the table and then maybe put some water in everyone's cups? I'll be right back…" Noah still looked unsure and he squeezed his shoulder as he passed, "Everything's fine buddy. Promise."
He walked into the bedroom and saw that Olivia was in the bathroom, the door shut tight, the water running but he had a sneaking suspicion she wasn't getting in, "Fin? What happened?"
He heard Fin sigh heavily having overheard everything that was said, "I'm not positive…but Cap and I think she may have found her Mom's recorded testimony. We were going through old tapes and she just…jumped up and ran."
Elliot ran a hand over his face, "Shit…"
"Like I said, I don't really know for sure but…it's the only thing that would make sense to me. I mean that would be a shock anyway…but today of all days…"
Elliot sighed, "Yeah…look I need to go check on her but…thank you. Thank you for calling me."
"Of course. Let me know if there is anything I can do."
"I will." He hung up the phone and walked towards the bathroom door, knocking gently, "Liv?" No response which didn't surprise him, "Babe? Can I come in please?"
He held his breath and waited, and surprisingly, she opened the door. That alone let him know she trusted him more than she had a year ago on this day. And for now, that was enough to give him hope. He walked into the bathroom and watched as she pulled herself up on top of the sink, the shower still pounding water down onto the tub floor. Reaching his hand behind the shower curtain, he turned it off and crouched down in front of her, "Liv…"
Her leg was bouncing up and down on the floor and she clearly had been crying. Reaching into her jacket pocket, she retrieved the tape and handed it to him, "It's my Mom's…"
He sighed and took it from her, "How much did you hear?"
"Only her name." She bit down hard on her lip, "I panicked and I took it. I shouldn't have done that…but I just…"
He hated this for her, especially today of all days. Placing the tape down on a shelf, he reached for her, "Come here."
Without hesitating, she fell against him and started to cry, "El…"
He kissed the side of her face and whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"
She clung to him and sighed, "Somehow I always knew I'd end up having to face it on this job. I shouldn't have been as shocked as I was…I just-I wasn't prepared to hear her voice and I-"
He wiped away her tears and nodded, "I know. I know. And anyone would have reacted that way." She just stared at him, looking so broken and his heart ached, especially today of all days, "What do you want to do Liv?"
She sighed and looked down again, afraid to meet his eyes, "I don't know. You and Noah worked so hard to make today happen and I love you both for that…"
"If you tell me you can't handle dinner, I'll understand. I'll tell Noah you need a rain check…that you're sick." She pulled away, slipping off the sink and turning her back to him, "It's okay…"
"No." She sniffled and shook her head, "No. I don't want to do that…it's not fair to either of you. But especially not Noah."
He stood up, his knees cracking as he moved but he didn't reach for her, knowing she needed a little space, "It's okay…" She still didn't turn to him and he frowned, 'But do you want to know what I think?"
Taking a deep breath, she turned to look at him, leaning her back against the sink, "What?"
"I think that maybe today's not the day to listen Liv." He saw her swallow hard, "I understand why you feel like you need to. And I'll support any decision you make…but I don't think today is going to be the right time." He saw her shoulders rise and fall and he reached for her hand, "I know how hard today is for you and I get it. I really do. But you also deserve to have a good day…and I think being with me, Noah and Ember is exactly what you need."
She sighed and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist, "You're right."
He locked his arms tightly around her and squeezed, dropping a kiss on the top of her head, "If and when you want to listen…I'll be right beside you. Or I'll give you space. Whatever you need. But let yourself enjoy today, okay?" She nodded against his chest, "And in one week…we'll be off to Aspen together for our vacation. We can put all of this behind us…just relax like we both deserve and need. It will be great. You'll see."
She held him tight and whispered, "I can't wait."
He smiled and rocked her back and forth gently, "I got you, babe. I got you."
She sighed and pulled away, wiping at her tears, "I don't know what I did before you Stabler…"
He smiled and squeezed her arm gently, "You kicked ass, just like you always do. But you're not alone anymore."
She smiled weakly and looked up at him through heavy eyelids, "Thank God for that." Leaning forward she kissed him and then handed him the tape, "Can you hang onto this for me? I need to bring it back…talk to Cragen but not today." He nodded, "I'm…gonna actually take a quick shower to calm down. And then I'll be out?"
"Take your time." He kissed her cheek and pulled back, "Noah and I have everything under control."
He squeezed her arm once more and then turned to walk away, "Hey El?"
He turned towards her from the doorway, "Yeah?"
"I love you." She swallowed hard and shrugged, "Just…wanted you to know that."
He gave her a soft smile and a wink and nodded his head, "Good. Because I love you too."
He left the room and she turned to look at herself in the mirror. She saw a lot of her Mother in the reflection, but the pieces she didn't recognize had always scared her. Did she look like him? Did her Mother have to see the vision of a monster every time she looked at her daughter? Tears welled in her eyes and she turned to run the shower again. Not today. Today wasn't the day to face this. She had a son and a wonderful man who wanted to celebrate her for the good she represented. Not the violent way she'd been brought here. Someday she'd have to listen, have to face it. But it did not have to be today.
An hour later, she was sitting around the table with the two most important people in her life and Ember at her feet after a delicious dinner. She was laughing, truly laughing, almost forgetting completely what she had been upset about. Noah jumped up and walked to the kitchen, presenting a homemade cake, a little crooked, a little messy, and yet it was the most beautiful cake she'd ever seen. Noah set the cake in front of her nervously and climbed up in her lap. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him tight as they started to sing to her.
Elliot kept his eyes on her, trying to read her expression, her emotions, wanting to make sure she was comfortable, that she was okay. She rested her chin on Noah's shoulder and looked at the man she loved more than anything. The man who had waited, who had found a way to break down her walls, the only man to make her feel worthy of love and happiness. Biting her lip she smiled at him, and she saw his shoulders fall slightly letting her know he was relaxing too.
Noah and Elliot finished singing, Ember barked her approval and she smiled as Noah said, "Make a wish Mom."
Taking a deep breath, Noah moved to the side and Olivia closed her eyes as she leaned forward to blow out the candles. My wish is that I don't screw this up. I want them forever.
She blew out the candles and Noah clapped while Elliot whistled and she smiled, kissing his cheek, "You happy Mom?"
She smiled and nodded, squeezing him tighter, "Yeah babe. I'm happy. I'm with my best boys." Ember barked and they all laughed, leaning forward she rubbed the top of her head, "My best girl too."
Noah jumped down from her lap and ran to his room, "I'll be right back."
Elliot leaned forward and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, "You good?"
Resting her elbows on the table, she reached for him, kissing him gently, "Yeah. Right now…I'm good."
He kissed her again and pulled back, "Good." Glancing towards Noah's room he smiled, "He uh…wouldn't tell me what the gift is. But I think Alex helped him. So…not sure what that means."
She looked back curiously as Noah came back with an envelope and an excited look on his face. He stood beside his Mom and held out the white envelope for her, "Here. It's something for your trip."
Taking it from him, she pulled him back into her lap and smiled, "What did you do kid?"
Noah shrugged, "Nothing big. Well…technically it's kind of from me and Auntie A and Uncle Matt."
Olivia took out the hand-drawn card and a picture fell out of the three of them from the wedding. She smiled, "I love this picture."
He smiled and leaned into her, "I thought you could bring it with you…so you don't forget what I look like."
Olivia laughed softly and tickled him, "That could never happen."
As excited as she was to go away, she had never been so far from her son and was feeling a bit anxious about it. She knew deep down, so was he. But it was a good thing, for her and for Elliot, even Noah too. She read the card, thanked him and then took out the gift inside. SHe realized it was a gift card and she was surprised at first, not something he would usually give her, "I told Auntie A I wanted you and Elliot to go on a really nice dinner while you're away and not have to worry about the money. So I put together all my savings and Auntie A and Uncle Matt filled in the rest. I hope it's enough."
"Oh, honey." She squeezed him tight again, "Baby, that's so sweet. But you didn't have to do that. I told you to save that money for something special."
"It is special." He turned his head to look at her, "You and Elliot are always doing nice things for me…I wanted to do something for you too."
"So that's why you wouldn't tell me." Elliot said with a smile, "Nicely played kid."
Noah laughed and nodded quickly, "I know you guys don't get to spend as much time alone as maybe you should. You spend a lot of it with me."
Olivia frowned and held him even closer, "Noah, we love spending time with you."
"I know." He said with a shrug, "But I'm still a kid. I'm sure…sometimes you'd like to be alone."
Elliot leaned across the table closer to him, "You know I wanna marry your Mom someday?" Noah nodded slowly, "Well then that would mean we would be a family. In a lot of ways…we already are." He saw Olivia smiling behind him, "Families stick together, kid. Your Mom is right. If I didn't like spending time with you…I wouldn't still be here. Not just here for your Mom…I'm here for you too."
Noah hopped down from his Mother's lap and hugged Elliot tight, "Okay."
Elliot winked at Olivia over her son's shoulder and she smiled, biting her lip to keep from crying. How the hell had she gotten so damn lucky? When Noah pulled away she smiled and took a breath, "Now that we have that settled…who wants cake?"
"Me!" Both of the boys shouted and she laughed, feeling a million times better than she had before.
A week later, Olivia found herself packing in her bedroom for their trip to Aspen. Elliot would be here soon and would be spending the night at her place with Ember. In the morning, they were going to drop Ember and Noah off at Alex's and then head to the airport. The week since her birthday had been hectic and she was more than ready to get away, even for just a few days. As she packed the final two items, her mind replayed the conversation she had had with her boss about her Mother's tape.
Cragen closed the door to his office behind her, the glass rattling slightly making her jump. But as he rounded the corner of his desk and sat down, she could tell he wasn't angry. If anything, he was concerned. She'd only been here for a year but it was clear that the man believed in her and saw a great future ahead for her. He also worried about her, especially when it came to her emotional state regarding her Mother's case. She had worried it would put her at a disadvantage, make him think she wasn't capable of doing her job. But it seemed he thought it made her more capable than most.
Slowly, Olivia reached into her jacket pocket and retrieved the tape, sliding it across his desk, "I want to start off by apologizing for-"
"Stop." She held her breath for a moment and looked up at him expectantly, "Before you say anything…I want to know if you are okay?"
She fidgeted slightly, caught off guard by the question, "What?"
He flattened his hand on the desk beside the small tape, "Are you okay?"
The room filled with a deafening silence for what felt like forever but only lasted a minute or so. Then, when she was ready, she shrugged, "I'm…working on it." He just stared at her and she continued, "I didn't get past hearing her name…I'm not ready to hear it."
His fingers covered the plastic case and lifted it, putting it safely in his desk drawer, "But you think someday you might want to?"
"I'm not sure. Part of me feels like I need to hear it. I don't know why? It's not like it will change anything. But maybe…maybe if I know what she went through." She looked down, not wanting to cry in front of him, "Maybe it will help me understand her more…or give me some sort of closure?"
"Or…" He sighed, "It could hurt you even more."
She nodded slowly and then cleared her throat, looking up at him once more, "I know. You're right. But…I guess that's a consequence I have to be willing to take."
Pushing himself up away from the chair he walked towards her, leaning against the desk, "If you think I'm mad that you took it…I'm not. Should you have taken it? Technically no. But I understand why you did. I think anyone in your shoes would have probably done the same thing. I can't tell you what to do…you have the right to listen to it if you decide. And I will keep it safe until you make your decision, okay?"
She stood up a little straighter, hands behind her back, "Can I ask you something?" Cragen nodded his response, "Why'd you take a shot on me? I mean…given the circumstances isn't there any part of you who thinks I'm wrong for this job?"
The older man moved again, and sat back on the front of the desk, "This Department is hard to fill. It's rare we get people willing to take the position. Your former superior told me you flat-out requested it. More than that…it's rare to get women who are willing to accept it given the nature. If you're asking if I was worried about your past with your Mother's trauma? Sure. It crosses my mind from time to time. But…I got glowing references from you. And in your interview…I saw a passion that I don't often see. I realized that given where you come from…you may have a better grasp on the situation. You would have more empathy and understanding. And so I took a chance…and in the last year it has more than paid off." He saw the surprised look on her face, "You may be a rookie kid…but you're one of the best damn Detectives I've ever seen. And no one, no one can get through to the victims the way you can while at the same time breaking the perps. You are exactly where you are meant to be and I meant it when I said that I see a great future ahead for you. Okay?"
Sucking in her lower lip, she relaxed slightly and whispered a response, "Thank you Captain…that-that means a lot."
He smiled warmly, turned to walk back around the desk, and tapped it once more with his knuckles, "You let me know what you decide to do. But…either way, I know you'll be okay. You're strong Olivia. And even when you feel like you aren't…you don't have to do it all alone."
She smiled and started to step back, "You're right. I have Elliot and Noah to help me. Fin and Alex too."
"And I hope you know you have me." She paused by the door and he narrowed his eyes on her, "I'm here to Benson. For whatever you need. Okay?"
She squeezed the doorframe and nodded slowly, "Okay. Thank you, Cap." She pointed towards Fin and Munch who were already bickering, "I should…"
He laughed and leaned back in his seat, "Yes, please. Go make sure they don't kill each other. I need you here for that too!"
That was almost a week ago and she'd lamented over her choice about the tape ever since. Some Days she felt like she had to listen and on others she felt like it could be opening a can of worms she wasn't sure she was ready to face. Either way, she'd decided to at least try and put it out of her head while they were away. She'd planned this trip as a special getaway for her and Elliot and she didn't want to spend the time lamenting over what the right choice was. She wanted to put the outside world on hold and focus on nothing but being with the man she loved for four days without a single interruption.
She heard the apartment door open, and heard Ember's feet on the hardwood floor as she dashed towards Noah in the living room. Their voices sounded muffled but it soothed her to hear them both together. She knew that Elliot would take the time to check in with Noah before coming to greet her. And after a few minutes, she heard him excuse himself and walk towards her bedroom, his boots clomping on the floor. She smiled to herself when she heard him curse, remembering that she hated when he wore his dirty work boots in the apartment, especially in the winter when they trudged through snow and mud.
A moment later, he appeared in her room, bags at his side and only socks on his feet, "Hey."
She folded her last shirt and placed it on top of her bag, "Hey."
He crossed the room, lifted his suitcase and a second bag, and plopped them down beside hers. Then he turned, leaned forward, and kissed her gently, "How was work?"
"It was fine." She took the smaller bag from him she'd asked him to bring, "Fin was cranky but he'll get over it."
Elliot laughed and sat down on the edge of the bed and peered into her suitcase, "Still not thrilled about being stuck with Munch huh?"
She shook her head and then laughed as she saw him poking around, "Looking for something?"
"Hm?" He turned his head towards her and blushed, "Oh…no…was just curious to see what you brought."
She smiled, leaned in, and kissed him softly before whispering, "All the lingerie is packed on the bottom so you can't see it until we get there."
The corners of his lips turned up and the dark glint in his eyes made her smile even more, "I can live with that."
"Thought so." She started to unzip the bag he brought, "You got what I asked for?"
He nodded, "Yeah, I picked up the smaller bottles for your shampoo and the facewash you like."
"Thank you." She rummaged through the bag, "And what about your ties?"
He moved her hand aside and pulled out four different ties of his, "I did but I still don't understand why. I mean I know Noah got us that dinner gift card but is it somewhere super fancy I have to wear a suit too?"
"Nope." She took the ties from him and began to carefully fold them and place them on top of her bag, "You don't need to wear a tie anywhere."
"Then what the hell did you ask me to get them for?" He asked, still completely oblivious, "I mean, you wanna wear them?"
She smirked and knelt on the bed to zip up the suitcase, "In a manner of speaking…yes."
"I don't-" And then he paused, suddenly catching onto exactly what she meant, "Oh." He heard her laughing softly, "Oh. You mean…" His face flushed and he felt his cock twitch making him shift uncomfortably on the bed. "You want to…" Slowly a smile crept up on his face before he whispered, "This is a sexual thing?"
She threw her head back and laughed harder as she climbed off the bed and onto his lap, "Yeah. It's a sexual thing Stabler."
His hands settled on her hips, his mind racing a mile a minute, "You want me to…"
She shrugged and leaned in, kissing his lips and then moving across his cheek to his ear, nibbling slightly. "I was thinking that while we're there…we explore a few of our fantasies. Since we'll be really, truly alone. Might be fun…" She rocked her pelvis against him and he groaned, his hands holding onto her tighter, "That is…if that's something you'd be interested in trying." He pulled back just slightly to look at him, his Addams apple bobbed up and down, "What are you thinking?"
He bit down hard on his lip, his fingers sliding up and under her shirt, "I'm thinking about what you'd look like with your hands tied behind your back and my cock in your m-"
Ember barked at something, drowning out the sound of his voice and Olivia started to laugh, "Hm…I like that thought."
Raising an eyebrow in surprise he whispered excitedly, his whole body flushing with desire and his mind once again imaging her, "Really? I mean…you'd be okay with that?"
"Uh-huh." She moved against him again, rolling her hips in a circle and she felt him hardening beneath her, "There's a lot of things I'd be interested in trying. But only with you…because I trust you."
He moaned low in his throat and slid his hands up higher, dipping under the strap of her bra, "I'd bet you'd look sexy as hell tied up too while I fucked you with my mouth and fingers…"
She whimpered softly, imagining herself laid out on the bed, unable to reach for him as he pleasured her in all the ways only he knew how, "Mmm…see? Aren't you glad I asked you to bring the ties now?"
Noah called to them from the living room and he lifted her slowly, "I am. But now…" He looked down at himself, "I'm gonna be hard as a fucking rock until we land in Colorado…"
She laughed and leaned up on her toes, kissing his cheek, "Don't worry baby. I'll make the wait worth it."
She went to turn from him but he grasped her hips, pulling her against him and she gasped, feeling the length of him digging into her ass, "The wait has always been worth it when it comes to you Benson." She breathed deeply, leaning back into him, "But just know that when we get to that hotel room…" He thrust his hips forward and she gasped again, "You are mine."
She smiled and pushed herself off of him, walking towards the door to find her son, "Yes, sir."
She winked at him over her shoulder, leaving him standing there, still hard and aching for her. And as she slipped out of the room his mind wandered again, oh this was going to be a fun few days. And he couldn't wait to get them started.
Dropping off Noah had been more emotional for Olivia than she could have anticipated. She'd been away for her son often with work, sometimes days at a time. But she'd never been so far away that she would have to take a plane to get to him. But as usual, Elliot had been her rock. She'd held it together when saying her goodbyes to her son, not wanting him to think she was upset.
But the moment they climbed into the taxi, the tears came and he reached for her knowing this was a big step for her. He'd even gone as far as letting her know if she wasn't ready for this, they could turn the taxi around and go back, no questions asked. As the words came out of his mouth though, she was more determined than ever to make this happen. Elliot was always doing things for her, always making her feel loved, secure, and special and this trip had been her chance at making him feel that way too. So she'd reached for him, kissed him hard, and told him there was nowhere else she'd rather be.
After a long flight, they took a car to the hotel and they were both ready to start relaxing. Among other things. It was much colder than they could have expected, even colder than New York City which said a lot. Elliot saw Olivia shivering and he told her to go in the hotel to check them in while he grabbed their bags. She gave him a grateful smile and took off, not realizing she was walking into the lion's den of what would be a bit of a fight for her and her boyfriend.
Leaning against the counter, she rubbed her hands together and smiled, "Checking in for Benson and Stabler."
The woman smiled and began to type some things in, "One moment please."
Olivia smiled gently and then looked around the lobby, it was snowing outside, creating the perfect wintery landscape through the large glass windows. A large fire burned in the middle of the lobby and other guests sat around it, some looking like they'd just come in from skiing, others just lounging. She sighed, feeling like this was exactly what they both needed. Time away. Time alone. Time to just be them.
She was so lost in her thoughts, that she didn't notice the man leaning against the counter beside her. The man was shorter than Elliot, slender, slightly balding and what hair he did have was gray and white. He had blue eyes like her boyfriend but that was about the only thing he had in common with Elliot, except maybe his obvious attraction to her. Turning her head, Olivia gasped slightly and stepped back, "Oh."
The man was standing close, closer than she would have expected or liked but he smiled and spoke in a raspy voice, "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you…just need to get another key for my room."
Olivia nodded slowly and looked back to the woman checking her in, "No problem."
She turned away from him but felt his eyes still on her, felt him begin to scan her from head to toe. She turned slightly, not wanting to give him much attention, hoping that he would be gone soon. But unfortunately for her, not soon enough. At that moment, Elliot walked into the lobby, holding bags on either side of him. He shook the snow off his head and looked around for his girlfriend. And that's when he spotted her, her back to someone, someone who was not trying to hide the fact that he was checking her out. Instantly, his blood began to boil and that green-eyed monster known as jealousy began to rear its ugly head.
He slipped slightly under the wet snow beneath his feet but he caught his balance and walked forward. Olivia leaned across the counter, signing something but the man still stood there, watching her, really watching her. Clearing his throat loudly, Olivia looked over at him and sighed, clearly reading the expression on his face, "Hey. Rooms ready, let's go-"
"How long are you staying?" They both froze and turned to look at the man who clearly hadn't been deterred by Elliot's presence.
Olivia was confused and somewhat startled, "Excuse me?"
He shrugged, the corner of his lips turning up into a smile that she assumed he thought was attractive but made her want to vomit, "How long are you staying in the Resort? I have three more days and I was wondering if you'd be up for a ski lesson-"
"Not sure that's any of your business," Elliot said, quickly cutting him off, the man finally seemed to register they weren't alone anymore and looked over at him. Elliot smirked and angled himself between the two of them, "And if she wants a ski lesson, I can handle it. In fact, I can handle anything she might need while she's here."
The man nodded slowly and stepped to the side, "Hm…"
The woman behind the counter smiled and slid the key towards him, "Sorry for the delay Mr. Tucker. Here is your key."
The man grabbed the key and tapped it on the counter, "Thank you." He turned and read the paper in front of him, "Have a nice stay, Ms. Benson. I hope I see you around."
He began to walk backward, still not taking his eyes off of her. Olivia shivered and it had nothing to do with the cold outside. She could practically feel the anger radiating off of Elliot's body, his shoulders were lifted, tense, his muscles bulging through his sweater. Swallowing hard, she bent down and grabbed one of the bags at his feet, "Ready babe? We're on the sixth floor. View of the mountain she said and-" Elliot was still staring out at the closed elevator door and she frowned, reaching for his arm, "El…babe?"
He huffed and turned to look at her, "Fucking prick."
Olivia's eyes went wide and she looked around, "Elliot…Jesus…"
His jaw clicked back and forth, "He was checking you out. Blatantly checking you out. Staring at your ass like you were a piece of meat on a platter and-"
"Okay." She grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the elevator, "Let's go to our room if we're gonna fight about this."
He grumbled and followed her, awkwardly bouncing from foot to foot as they waited for the elevator to open, "Who said anything about fighting?"
She sighed and adjusted the strap on her shoulder, "You seem like you want to fight."
"Yes, we came all this way and I want to fight." He said glaring at her, "Come on Liv." She frowned and leaned against the wall, "I just don't like the way he was looking at you."
"Yeah well…" She shrugged and watched the lights blink on the panel in front of her, "I wasn't a fan of it either but what was I supposed to do? Clock the guy in the lobby?"
He shrugged, "Why not?" She gasped and looked at him, a grin growing on his face, "He deserved it."
She laughed and shook her head as the bell dinged, the doors opening slowly, "You are something else Elliot Stabler…"
He followed her down the hall, looking back and forth as if looking for signs of the jerk from downstairs, thankfully he was nowhere to be found. For now. He stood behind her as she opened the room with the key and stepped inside first. He followed, shutting the door behind them. They stood by the doorway, looking at the spacious hotel room, but both of their eyes landed quickly on the four-poster bed over by the window. Dropping their bags at his feet, Elliot smirked, "Hm…on second thought…he can look all he wants but I'm the one that gets to take you to that bed."
She squealed as she felt his arms wrapping around her from behind, "Elliot!"
He laughed deep in his throat and walked her to the bed, plopping her down. She bounced slightly and he imagined how the bed would move while he fucked her into the mattress. Growling, he launched himself at her making her squeal again but he landed softly, making sure not to hurt her. She was laughing as he peppered her face with kisses and pulled back, "Hey."
She smiled and touched the sides of his face with her fingertips, "Hi…"
He sighed and rolled to the side, propping himself up with his elbow. His hand reached out, his fingers dancing along the white cotton shirt she wore under her cardigan, "Sorry I got so…"
His voice trailed off but she smiled, turning towards him she pulled him closer by his sweater, "Jealous?"
He smirked and his cheeks flushed slightly, "Yeah…that."
Leaning forward, she wrapped one hand around the base of his neck and kissed him hard, her eyes wide open, "It's okay. I get it…I feel that way too anytime another woman looks at you."
He sighed and easily rolled them again so she lay over him, her hands rested on his chest as she smiled down at him, "You have nothing to be jealous of. I don't want another woman but you Liv."
Raising her eyebrow she smiled, "And you think I want another man?"
He shrugged and shook his head, "No…I'm not saying that. But I mean you could have any man you want. And I mean any man…and yet you choose to be here with me."
She smiled softly and leaned down, nuzzling his nose with hers, "Yeah…I choose to be here with you."
He sighed and tangled his hand in her hair, it was getting longer and he loved running his fingers through it, "Mmmm…Liv."
She laughed against him, tugging gently on his lower lip, "Yes?"
He pecked her lips, once, twice and then a third time before muttering, "Just because you didn't clock him, doesn't mean I won't if he tries anything again."
She laughed and pressed her lips into the crook of his neck, "God you are insufferable." She pulled back and saw him smiling sheepishly at her, "I promise you Elliot Stabler. There is not a single need or want that you haven't fulfilled in my life. Let him look." She lifted herself up over him, caging her hands on either side of his head, "Because you're the only one that gets to touch."
He growled and quickly rolled them once again, grateful for the wide expanse of the bed, "Damn right."
Smoothing her hand down his chest she smiled as his lips moved down the slope of her jaw and neck, "And as much as I would love for you to ravish me right now…showcase that jealousy…" Her stomach growled and he started to laugh, "I'm starving…"
He sighed and plopped down beside her, "Oh fine. I guess I'll feed you."
She laughed and leaned in to kiss his cheek before sitting up, "I like I said…I promise I'll make the wait worth it baby."
She kissed him again and then climbed off the bed, walking towards her bag on the floor. He peered over at her and smiled, resting his hand over his chest he could feel the soft thump, thump of his beating heart. After all this time it still amazed him how much she made him feel. Before her, there had been attraction, lust even. But not like this. She brought a different side to him. This primal need to stake his claim, to make her his mind, body, and soul. It wasn't that he viewed her as a piece of property. No, he knew that Olivia Benson was fierce and independent all on her own. But he belonged to her in every sense of the word and he wanted her to belong to him too. Him and only him.
Call him chauvinistic. Call him territorial, needy, desperate. Call him whatever you wanted, it didn't matter. As long as you could also say he belonged to her just as she belonged to him because there was no one else for him. Not a single soul on this Earth that could make him feel the things she made him feel. He was so lost in thought, he didn't realize he'd been sitting there for at least twenty minutes until she came out of the bathroom, freshened up and all changed, "Well this is a change…I'm the one ready on time."
He snapped out of his daze and peered up at her, once again dazzled by her beauty, her innate sex appeal, her ability to make him weak with just one look, "Sorry… must have dozed off there for a second."
She frowned and leaned down to kiss him again, "I told you to nap on the plane mister."
He smiled and let his hands rest on her hips, "I'm fine. Let me just go change, give me a minute."
"I'm counting." She called as she sat down on the bed, laughing when he rolled his eyes.
She hummed to herself as she pulled on her new boots and reached for her cell phone, typing a quick message to Alex. How's my boy doing?
It took less than a minute for a response to come through. Your boy is doing just fine. Let me worry about him and you just worry about your man.
Olivia laughed and lay back on the bed, her hands laid out above her head. She continued to hum quietly, not even aware she was really doing it. She already felt relaxed, happy. She couldn't remember the last time she took a vacation. In fact, the more she thought about it she wasn't sure she ever really had. She'd taken Noah on a few night trips but not very far from the city. And in college they'd gone to Atlantic City once, Vermont a time or two but never anywhere else. Alex had tried to drag her to California once but she hadn't had the money to do it and wouldn't let her friend pay for her. She'd flown once as a kid to Arizona with her Mom to visit her Maternal Grandmother but that was the first and only time she'd seen the woman. She died months later and her own Mother never spoke of it again.
A rush of emotions passed through her and a lump formed in her throat. She must have made a strange sound of some sort because a moment later, Elliot was beside her on the bed, his eyes showing real worry, "Liv?" She smiled and shook her head slowly, "What's wrong?"
She sighed happily and shook her head again, reaching for him, "Nothing just…just realized this is the first real trip I've taken in…" She laughed nervously, her cheeks blushing, "Ever."
He sat up and she soon followed, "Really?"
She shrugged and looked over at him sheepishly, "I went to Arizona once with my Mom to see her Mother…but I didn't do much. I was only about six at the time. We mostly just stayed at her house and they argued…a lot. And then after that, I never went anywhere. I don't know why I'm…" She licked her lips nervously and took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently, "I'm good El. Really. It feels…nice." Leaning in, she nudged his shoulder and he kissed her temple, "Feels more than nice really because I'm here with you."
He smiled softly and stood up, extending his hand for her, "Haven't been to many places either Liv. But…" He wiggled his fingers and she smiled, taking his hand as he lifted her from the bed, "I'd love to see the world with you."
She sighed softly as she reached for her coat and he tucked her under his arm. He had such a way of making her feel so tiny. She wasn't a short woman and she could hold her own. But next to him, all muscles, height, and strength, he made her feel so small, not in a bad way. She loved being wrapped up in his arms, loved the feel of his body against hers. Nothing could compare. And that's how she knew. That this, this thing between them was very real. Seeing the world? She may never have envisioned it before in her life, but with him, it often felt like anything was possible.
They grabbed dinner in the hotel bar, not needing anything fancy or special tonight. They sat together, laughing about this and that, his hand never straying far from her leg or behind her back as they ate. She sighed and took a sip of her beer before leaning back in her seat. "Man…I can't remember the last time I felt this…"
He lifted his beer and quirked an eyebrow at her, "Relaxed?"
She smiled and set her glass down on the table again, "Yeah…not having anything to worry about other than the next few days ahead of us. No work…no cleaning or bills at home." She paused and her cheeks flushed, "Not that I don't still worry about Noah I just…"
"Liv?" Her eyes fluttered towards him and he smiled, taking her hand in his, he placed it on his lap, "I know you always worry about him. You don't have to prove anything to him." She smiled, grateful for his understanding and he leaned forward, his voice dropping slightly, "But for the record?" She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye again, "It's okay to take a few days to just be Olivia…"
"Is it?" She asked curiously, "I was always under the impression that the moment I became a Mom I had to put all my needs and wants aside so I could make sure he was taken care of."
"I know." He whispered, thinking back to the year she'd kept him at an arms-length, not just because of her own fear, but out of fear of hurting her son, "But you're human Liv. You're a Mom, yes. A damn good one at that. The best." She blushed and he rubbed her knuckles with his thumb affectionately, "But you're allowed to want things…and take time for yourself. I promise."
Taking a deep breath, she stared down at the glass in front of her and envisioned red wine instead of beer. Her Mother's drink of choice. Her Mother, the complete opposite of her. She'd never put Olivia's needs and wants first. She'd put hers first, and her needs and wants were always alcohol. That thing filled the angry, depressed void that her Rapist Father had left behind. Maybe that was why she had been so hard on herself as a Mother. Critiquing every choice she made, so terrified to become her own Mother.
Beside her, Elliot watched the millions of little emotions play across her beautiful face, and just as always, he read her mind. "You are not your Mother Olivia."
She looked over at him, her wide brown eyes filling with tears and for what felt like the millionth time, his heart broke for her. He wished desperately that she could see the woman he saw when he looked at her. She never ever gave herself enough credit. And more than that, he wished he could tell off every damn person that had hurt her in her life.
Scooting closer to her, he pulled her flush against his side, "You have to know that. Liv…you're nothing like her. You've sacrificed so much for Noah. Always. He's never not felt loved by you."
She glanced down at her their joined hands in his lap, "You'd still support me if I wanted to listen to it?"
She didn't need to clarify what she was asking. He knew of course. He'd been thinking about it nonstop since her Birthday. Deep down he wished she wouldn't. Didn't see that it could bring any good to her. But if she felt like she had to, for what she called closure, but he thought of it as her making herself take penance for a crime that she did not commit, he couldn't deny her. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her. Even after all this time, she still didn't understand that.
Lifting her hand, he pressed his lips to her knuckles and whispered, "Right beside you babe. Whatever you decide. No matter what." Another kiss, "Always."
"It feels wrong sometimes…to be this happy. To feel this…" She swallowed the lump in her throat and let her eyes drift up to him, "Safe."
With his free hand, he reached out and traced the line of her neck making her shiver, "Why?"
Her left shoulder lifted in a sad shrug and she whispered her response so softly he barely heard her, "Because she never did…"
He let her whispered words hang between them for a moment before dropping her hand. She looked up at him, afraid she'd said something wrong. Always afraid that she'd crossed some line. A reaction she no doubt had lived with since birth, always waiting for her Mother's anger, her insults, her abuse. And as awful as what happened to Serena Benson was, Olivia had never and would never deserve that type of aggression, "Liv, you can't punish yourself forever for what happened to her. Even if you do…it won't change the past. It won't fix it for her. I don't think anything ever will."
She nodded slowly and let out a soft sigh, knowing deep down that he was probably right. There was no way to fix this, fix Serena. Looking out towards the large window, she saw couples and families walking through the snow-lit path. It looked cold, but somehow, refreshing and she wanted to feel it on her skin. Biting her lip, she turned back to him and asked nervously, as if it was the first time she'd ever asked him for anything, "Take a walk with me?"
Smiling, he scooted out of his seat, tossed money down for the tip and reached for her hand once more, "Of course."
She threaded her fingers with his and walked to the front where they both grabbed their coats. She had refused to take a hat with her and he smirked, pulling his own out and tugging it on over her dark brown hair. She didn't even protest this time, just smiled and reached for his hand again as they walked out the front entrance. The path winded along the bottom of the mountain, lit up by lanterns and she once again felt that sense of calm, relaxation, happiness, and safety that she'd never felt with anyone else. He smiled when she reached across with her other arm, her hand settling on his bicep.
Biting her lip, she rested her cheek against his shoulder as they walked, "Can I ask you something?"
The snow crunched under their boots and gentle snow still fell, swirling around them, "You can ask me anything Liv, you know that."
"When you look ahead…I mean when you think about your life ten years from now…" They both stopped and he turned towards her expectantly, "You really see yourself still with me?"
Tilting his head to the side he stared at her, surprised by her question and the look of almost uncertainty on her face. Lifting his hand, he rubbed along his jaw, the slight five-o-clock shadow scratching against his rough fingers. He let out a little sigh and then reached out to push a lock of hair under the beanie on her head, "Liv…I see myself with you always." He saw the way her shoulders lifted, the way she held her breath, "I have never and will never take this thing between us lightly. I mean it when I say I wanna marry you. Have a family. You, me, Ember, Noah…" His hand fell to her belly and he smiled, flattening his palm against it as he felt her suck in her stomach, "New babies."
In that moment he once again pictured her pregnant, her belly swollen with his child, the look of happiness on her face as she felt a kick from their unborn child. It was all he wanted and more. He wasn't sure about a lot of things in life, but that was one of them. The only thing he knew for sure really, was her, them, all that they could be.
"One year, five years, ten, fifteen, twenty, a lifetime." He stepped forward, closing the gap between them as he cradled her face in his hands, tilting it up towards him, "I want you Liv. All of you. Mind, body, heart and soul. Forever." She whimpered as he placed a kiss on her lips, she went to open her mouth and he knew what she was going to say before she said it, "And I'll keep reminding you of that whenever you need to hear it."
She sighed once more and fell into step beside him as he pulled her along. Her hand intertwined with his, and the other resting on his bicep, "I still don't know why you put up with me Stabler." She pressed her lips to his shoulder and smiled, "But I'm damn glad you do."
He chuckled and removed his arm from her grasp, only so he could wrap his arm around her back, holding her tightly to him, "Told ya. From the moment you ran into me at that relay…I was a dead man walking Benson." She laughed nervously and ducked her head against his shoulder once more, "But…I'm a better man for it."
She tilted her head towards him, the back of her head resting on his arm, "I love you."
Bending his head slightly, he kissed her lips and then her nose, "I love you too."
They walked quietly together before she spotted someone familiar, the man from earlier in the lobby. He was standing with a group of people but he seemed to only have eyes for her. Elliot didn't seem to notice though as they walked along the path and she was glad for it. Not wanting anything to ruin the moment. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she snuggled in closer, hoping the man would get the hint as he watched them walk. And if not, well, maybe playing with a little Jelliot Stabler wouldn't be such a bad thing on this trip…