As she'd expected, everyone seemed to still be asleep once they got inside. Walking back into the house had been about a thousand times easier than all the times she'd imagined it. It probably had something to do with the fact that she was utterly spent, in every sense, but she wasn't going to dwell on it. She was here, back in the house that held so many of her most cherished memories, and yet at the same time it was within these walls that she was nearly destroyed. Forcing all those thoughts and images from her mind, she tried to focus on anything except what happened that night.

Jenny wasted no time grabbing them a couple of coffee cups. Of course she had missed Buffy, but sitting here, back in her own home with the girl, it was really starting to hit her how much.

While Jenny was busy getting the coffee pot going, Buffy took a couple minutes to take everything in. So much had changed, they had a new living room set, no longer the old floral one that had been a staple in that room since they were little. So much had changed, but there was still so much that was the same.

The Casper, the ghost cookie jar, that Jenny had always for some reason kept out all year, still sat on the same corner of the cabinet it always had. Most of the pictures were the same too, even some of the ones with her. Some of the more coupley ones of just her and Angel had been removed or replaced, but she'd spotted a couple, like the one from his prom.

"He was still pretty upset when he got in last night," Jenny quietly told her once she caught her eyes drifting back toward the direction of his room. "You know how he is, unless one of the boys goes to bother him, well, it wouldn't surprise me if he stayed locked away in there most of the day."

"He wants to start over."

Jenny froze mid sip, "He told you that?" she asked after a second. They were now curled up together on her sofa sharing one of the old throws she always kept around.

Buffy nodded slowly, her gaze now fixed on the steam rising from the dark purple mug she held in her lap. "Not like getting back together," she added softly, "He said he knows that we can't go back…" she then trailed off quietly.

"And how do you feel about that?"

Her shoulders shrugged slightly, "I don't know," she admitted. "On one hand it's like there's nothing on this planet I want more you know?" Jenny watched her eyes start to fill with tears again. "He was my whole world, learning how to live without him was one of the hardest things I've ever done, something I never in my wildest dreams imagined would ever happen. And even now all this time later, sometimes a thought will cross my mind and it's like part of me forgets, so I'll have some fleeting thought about how my life will look in ten or twenty years and he'll still be there."

Carefully, Jenny sat her mug down on the coffee table in front of them. More than anything she wished she could go back to the time when her biggest worries concerning the kids were their grades in school, or picking one of the boys up after getting a call they had been in a fight in school. Hell, at that very moment she was pretty sure she would gladly go back to the days where she had a house full of rambunctious toddlers running around. At least in those days she knew what to do, knew how to make whatever it was that was bothering them go away. Her great aunt used to always tell her that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child, and it sure had a tendency to ring true as far as she'd ever been concerned.

"I wish I could simply tell you what's right or wrong here, what you should do, but not everything in life is black and white... as we know. That is certainly something you, well you both, can only really decide if is something you want to try at here at the end of the day... but as an outsider looking in..." she paused, clasping her hands together in her lap, "I think if absolutely nothing else, maybe having the chance at a better sense of closure might be nice for each of you. I understand it's been years and life has moved on but obviously there were a lot of unknowns here, a lot of things left unsaid, unresolved. Maybe just taking the chance to say some of the things you've both been carrying around inside over these past few years would help."

Buffy's lips pressed harder together, that was something she'd argued back and forth inside her head for weeks now, and especially after last nights' events. Sure, her deepest, darkest secret being out there had nearly broken her and she wished she could stuff it back inside and let it die with her, but at the same time... part of her felt like she could breathe again with it not being simply something she was carrying around on her own.

"I think that was part of what made it so hard on him," Jenny told her softly. "He just... he had nowhere to put it all. Everything was so sudden and such a shift and he had nowhere to put an apology or words he wanted to say, he didn't have hearing you cry or scream at him over everything and as much as that obviously would have hurt, I think he would have preferred that any day of that week. Silence was very hard. But he survived it, and I think you only did what you felt was best and there's nothing wrong in that. And if you have to keep it that way, if you have to say having those conversations is too much, if you have to say it's not in you, it's not something you can deal with to try and find some way to be friends or random acquaintances then that's just how it has to be, too. Of course for me and my sake I wish it was possible for you two to go back to being some sort of friends, or even just two people who could wave across the way when you come to visit at the same time, or check in with one another just to make sure the other is okay every now and then... but no one can fault you if that's too much for you to handle either."

OoOoO

Lindsey's eyes narrowed slightly as he reached for his glass of orange juice, taking a few steps closer to where Buffy was. He took a quick sip of the cool liquid before, "What happened to all the drama about how you could never possibly step foot in this house again?"

Buffy sure wished she hadn't come back in here to grab that last muffin after all, being trapped in the kitchen with Lindsey wasn't exactly high on her want to do list, especially as it seemed he still wanted to tote some kind of attitude around. Letting out a slow breath, her shoulders shrugged. "I'm just doing my best to not keep replaying those moments over and over in my head right now," she answered.

He made a noise then turned and walked back out of the room, and she was pretty sure she'd held her breath until he had turned the corner and was back out of view. She must have still looked amiss by the time she made it back to Jenny, being questioned right away if she were okay.

Buffy shrugged and just gave a throw away answer how she wondered if Lindsey would just hate her forever but Jenny reached over and patted her hand. "You know how he can be."

"Yeah, but being on the receiving end of it all is apparently a lot different."

Jenny was quiet again for a moment then gave off a sad smile. "He lost one of his best friends, and nearly lost his brother... and everything seemed to sort of settle into one way and now it's all chaos again. He's a fixer... he's the big brother... and yet he hates drama... and hates being involved in things. It makes for a lot for him to be carrying around too, I think he's been on edge waiting for Angel to go off the deep end since realizing you were visiting that first day and it's taking its toll. You know he always thinks he needs to carry the weight of everyone else right along with them."

OoOoO

Lindsey's foot nudged Angel for probably the fourth time, a little harder each time, and thankfully he had one eye crack open this go round. Angel's head lifted maybe an inch from the mattress, who the hell knew where his pillow was, and already Lindsey couldn't help but think how awful the fucker looked. Not that he could blame him there. "Buffy's here."

Angel's face wrinkled up in confusion and Lindsey watched as he struggled through trying to wake up and get his mind around that idea, slowly rolling his body around until he was able to sit up on the edge, and even that looked like it was a hell of a struggle for him.

"Are you okay?"

Angel gave an unamused bark of laughter, his hand reaching up to rub his tired face. "I feel like every time I've thought I've hit rock bottom life shows me hell has an endless surprise fest ready of basements to keep falling into. Or, you know, I think maybe there's some sign of light, acceptance or something, then it's just a train coming to run me over. But sure, other than that, I guess I'm okay."

He hadn't had a chance to talk to him after Buffy's huge bomb last night, not that he had any idea of what to even say to him, or anyone. He was pretty sure he'd just stood there in shock trying to process what in the fuck she was saying and even now he had a hard time wrapping his head around it. He'd known he was poking a bear starting shit with her last night but there was no preparing for her to say that of all fucking things.

Hell, even when Angel took her home and the four of them were left alone none of them could barely utter a word amongst themselves.

And then waking up to find her just casually here, laughing, her voice raised enough that his mom could hear her from the other room as they continued their talk about who the hell knew what... it was fucking bizarre.

"I can't believe she never told you."

Angel sighed, getting to his feet. "Can you blame her?"

OoOoO

Buffy nearly forgot how to breathe when Angel suddenly stepped out of the hallway. If it were possible he looked even worse now than he had last night, and despite everything between them, her heart still hurt knowing what he was going through, knowing that to him, she may as well have lost the baby yesterday.

Seeing her sitting there, curled up in the middle of the sofa like she had done so many times in the past, seemed a lot like what he suspected getting smacked by a wrecking ball might feel like. He wasn't sure if it was a mistake or not, but after the last twenty-four hours he couldn't bring himself to care. The universe seemed hell bent on proving whatever decision he made wrong anyways, so after a deep sigh he silently took the seat beside her.

She could ignore Lindsey's snide remarks easily enough, was even getting by just fine knowing Angel was asleep just a couple walls away, but having him right here next to her was something she wasn't prepared for. Even though she tried to keep her emotions in check, she couldn't stop the fresh tears threatening to fall. Eyes locked on the steaming mug of coffee in her lap, she barely even heard what excuse Jenny gave as she left the two of them alone.

She heard him whisper her name, but she couldn't look up, knowing that if she did she would lose her grasp on the small threads of control she was still holding onto. Everything just felt so heavy, like the last three years were finally culminating in that very moment. Their past, their childhoods, their first fucking everything, that terrible night, losing the baby, all the days she'd went without him, having him next to her, it was just too much.

Seeing her cry had always been his undoing. So when the first sob tore through her, he gently eased the cup from her hands, before pulling her against him. "Please don't cry, beautiful," he whispered into her hair, even though he could feel his own tears starting to pool.

Even though there were a thousand things she wanted to say, she couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence. Though the two of them had always had a way of communicating through the silence, and even all this time later it didn't seem much different. Her face buried against his chest, she let go of all her reservations for the moment and simply resigned herself to the comfort they were obviously taking from one another.

OoOoO

"What the hell is she doing here?" Lindsey hissed in his mother's direction. "Angel's a fucking wreck, you know all that girl does is tear him apart on a good day. I told you last night was a bad idea but of course no one wanted to listen to me, and look where that got us. After that bomb she dropped last night, I wouldn't be surprised if he falls right back into that dark fucking place we," he stressed, "Just barely got him pulled out of."

"First of all, remember who you're speaking to. Secondly that bomb as you keep calling it, was a fucking baby, Lindsey. Can you take one damn second to let that sink in? Not some gossip, not some bit of drama, that baby that she lost was your niece or nephew. Now I know you're not her biggest fan at the moment, but need I remind you that this is my house. You don't get a say in who comes or goes, and you are most definitely not going to say anything to her right now to make her feel like she is anywhere other than where she is supposed to be."

Lindsey let out a huff of frustration, "Trust me if I was going to say something to her, I already would have. But don't you stand there and act like I'm somehow the one in the wrong here. I was the one who put my own damn feelings aside and pulled Angel out of that damn abyss he fell into. I was the one who quit my damn job that summer to stay with him, and given the chance I would do it again, because he's my damn brother. Yes I loved Buffy too, yes she was one of my very best fucking friends, but I was the one who picked up all the damn pieces when she took off. And you're right, this is your house, I'm well aware. 'Cause if it were mine not only would last night have never fuckin' happened, she damn sure wouldn't be sitting in the living room digging the knife deeper. I get that you missed her mom, but at some point you're going to have to open your damn eyes to the reality of this situation. Honestly, how do you expect this to end? It's Buffy," he declared, pointing towards the direction of the living room. "She's never going to forgive him."

OoOoO

Neither of them were exactly sure what was going on, but they had a pretty good idea when the voices echoed through the house. Under normal circumstances Angel would have already intervened, but it was going to take a hell of a lot more than one of Lindsey's temper tantrums to get him to give up his spot with her in his arms. Though just as the two of them seemed to settle into a comfortable silence, Lindsey came storming through the living room. Roxy, who had been resting at their feet immediately began growling when he sent a glance in their direction. Which only seemed to enrage him further, mumbling something under his breath, the pair watched as he stomped out the door, making sure to let it slam behind him.

"I'm pretty sure he hates me now," came Buffy's small voice. The first thing she had said since her string of incoherent apologies earlier. Angel wasn't sure she noticed, but her arm had found its way around his waist, her fingers idly toying with the hem of his shirt the way she used to always do.

Shifting a little, he relaxed back into the couch once he heard Lindsey's car peel out of the driveway. There would be plenty of time to deal with him and his drama later, right now he just wanted to enjoy the small reprieve life seemed to be granting him. He still had no fucking clue where they stood about anything, and he was trying his damndest not to get his hopes up about any of it, but right then for the first time since she disappeared he felt like he could see some semblance of light through the never ending darkness he'd been living in.

"You know how he is," he sighed against her. "He needs to throw his fit, get out what he needs to say, he'll eventually come around."

The meaning behind his words seemed to strike them simultaneously, feeling Angel tense beside her she only shook her head.

Angel stumbled over trying to explain what he meant by it but in the end just sighed again. "Lindsey doesn't hate you," he told her softly. "For the most part I honestly don't even think he's really all that mad at you at all to begin with, he just... he had nowhere else to put that energy, he had nowhere else to put that anger and blame, and whatever else that came to pass when everything between us fell apart. Lindsey is who he is... he's who he has always been, love it or hate it," Angel chuckled the slightest knowing she understood exactly what he meant, "and he couldn't fix the mess of things that you and I became, he couldn't protect me from myself. He had to deal with me time and again at my absolute worst and didn't have the heart to add anything else on top of the weight I was carrying on my shoulders, especially knowing every single other person on the planet was pointing fingers my way. So, he internalized it and he used your absence to me as his lightning rod for all the feelings he didn't know what else to do with. Every time he was upset at me or wanted to jump my ass over the choices I made he spun it around to rest squarely on you, that's how I think he learned to cope with that whole situation. You weren't around to resolve the conflict so it was all open ended and grew over time, and then suddenly you're here again and everything feels like we're in a snow globe inside a six year olds' hands, being shaken and stirred anytime the moment strikes. He has a mixed bag of misguided feelings laying at your feet, Buffy, which when it's Lindsey that can't mean anything good. Add in ever since the very second he was aware you'd suddenly returned he's been acting like he's just living on the edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for me to transport in time back to those lowest points."

Buffy allowed herself some space to just sit with what he was explaining, not quite having thought of everything that way before, mainly only having taken Lindsey's shitty attitude for what it was at face value. "He just seems so hellbent on the idea that that is exactly what I wanted, that I came swooping back in all these years later with some elaborate plan to wreck your life over and over."

"Well to be perfectly honest, I think that thought might have crossed my mind once or twice, too." At the quick narrowing of her eyes and hurt look she was trying to hide inside of them hit him he quickly added, "Not about last night and finding out about..." he trailed off, "Just... before, well before any of that came to light. I mean I didn't actually think you came back to flaunt moving on with your life or whatever... I'm just saying the angry idea of that did pass through my mind at one point but I know you and I know that wasn't your intention."

Angel kept it to himself that quite honestly even if it had been, if every single move she'd made since deciding to come back here for the first time, if it was still going on too, if everything she was doing was some calculated plot... he didn't think he cared at the end of the day.

This time, it was Buffy who let out a long breath of air. Pushing away from him slightly, she replaced her hold on the tail ends of his shirt for a throw pillow she hugged up to her chest. "I just wish everything didn't have to be so fucking complicated," she finally said, closing her eyes.

OoOoO

After Jenny had laid out a small tray of snacks then conveniently disappeared out of sight again, Angel forced down a few bites then rubbed a tired hand over his face. "Do you want to go somewhere?"

Buffy's eyebrows raised as she looked back his way. "Like where?"

His shoulders shrugged. "I have no idea," he admitted, just feeling like he needed to put a pin in everything going on, distance himself for a little while from the heaviness sitting in the air.

Buffy laughed and seemed to think about it for a moment before finally agreeing. He was pretty sure that was the first smile he'd managed since all hell broke out, telling her he should probably try and take a quick shower and wake up a little more. He stood up, finished his drink, promising to be back shortly and then they could head out.

OoOoO

The fact that they hadn't been in a car together since their fight about school and where to go and all things leading to her breaking up with him wasn't far from her mind as she slid into the passenger seat, having ran back home herself to grab a few items and toss them into a bag plus fill Hank in on where she was going, not that she actually even knew however. Her eyes drifting back toward the front door, she couldn't help the slight ping in her chest that came either, a flash of a memory passing through before she forced it away. Facing the house hadn't been as hard as she imagined it would be, wasn't as bad as living with it in her memories of that night, but there were those quick moments she thought it was all going to bubble to the surface.

"You still have no idea what we're doing, do you?"

He smiled, clipping his seatbelt into place.

OoOoO

It took nearly two hours for the universe to give him some sort of a sign, and he'd been about ready to just pick something random advertised off one of the billions of billboards, having just picked a direction to start out from and had made a number of random curves and turns since. But then they'd stopped at a gas station and a flier flapping in the breeze, barely hanging on by its thread of tape near the pump, caught his attention.

Reaching for his phone he double checked the time, then smiled as he pulled the flier down.

When Buffy came bounding back out of the small shack with some cold drinks for them, he let her get settled before handing the blue paper to her before finishing up. When he slid back into his seat, he asked what she thought.

"It's probably going to be packed."

"It's a festival, I would think it might be a little crowded," he laughed. "But," he pointed at the paper, "All you can eat seafood. Live music. Paint your own pottery stations. Traveling car museum," he read off some of the highlighted parts.

Rolling her eyes, she finally agreed, saying they could at least go check it out.

OoOoO

The festival was being held close enough to where they'd stopped, but as the drive went on it sure started to feel as though they were heading for the middle of nowhere as the trees passed by. Their conversation had mostly centered around lighter topics, where she was working, his apartment in the city, when he would have to return for the school year… until Angel brought up her moving back in with Hank, and more notably when her things would be arriving. She would give it to him, he'd somehow managed to navigate the entire conversation without ever mentioning Riley, but she was well aware of what he was getting at.

"I could help, if you needed it I mean… Go get your things."

Despite her best efforts, a small laugh escaped her, "Oh because I'm sure that would end so well."

She watched him fight off a grin, "It would, for me anyways."

She knew Angel's poker face well, but she also knew how deep his jealousy could run when certain situations were presented. "Riley didn't do anything wrong," she said softly, "I get that there's probably always going to be some animosity there, but at the end of it all, it was me who ran out on him."

Despite how uncomfortable this conversation was becoming, he was glad to be having it, to finally be able to get some answers to the myriad of questions he'd been plagued with. "So he really proposed?"

Of all things she wanted to talk about, her relationship with Riley was nowhere near that list, though she supposed it was better to get it out of the way now. Especially if they were going to try to move forward, or whatever it was they were doing. She nodded, "I swear to God if you ever repeat this I'll tell everyone that you used to cry during Bambi, but yes, and it was so much more awful than even you could imagine."

Angel winced, taking his eyes off the road to glance her way for a second. "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"He asked me to marry him in a restaurant, in full view of every last person there. It was terrible."

Not wanting to push past any invisible barriers that were currently between them he fully intended on letting the subject go, but he just couldn't seem to help himself. "No public proposals, duly noted."

Buffy rolled her eyes, all the while trying to ignore the swarm of butterflies his words ignited. In all honesty she probably hadn't spent near enough time dwelling on how things ended between her and Riley. Though when she started trying to piece together the why's about that entire situation, her mind couldn't help but drift to the man sitting next to her.

ButImBroken:

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