CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The city streets were just as crowded as Lakefront, but somehow, they didn't bother me. I'd actually started to get used to the chaos. Anymore, it almost felt comfortable.

A cool, fall breeze drifted over us as he guided me beneath the iron railway trusses crisscrossing the streets of downtown.

"They call this neighborhood 'the loop' because the trains form a loop around the center of the city," Edward said, nodding towards the tracks above us. I could make out the trains lumbering by overhead, adding to the choir of city lights around us. "And that… is the Hancock Building." He pointed towards a dark building towering in the distance. It's twin white pinnacles seemed to watch over the city like a guardian. The city was overwhelmingly large, but he seemed perfectly at ease.

Edward led me across the street at a bustling crosswalk, turning down the block, and though he strolled with his hands in his pockets, I could see the tension in his posture. I couldn't help but share it. I had no idea what the night had in store for us. My mind swam with questions, but despite my nerves, my heart still fluttered in his presence.

We'd almost reached the end of the block when Edward paused in front of an old, brick faced building. At my feet, two small steps, bordered by ornate wrought iron rails led to a narrow, wooden door. Edward turned to face me, eyeing me curiously.

"I feel like it's safe to assume you've never had a real Chicago pizza before," he smirked. I rolled my eyes, stifling a laugh.

"You know – you make an awful lot of assumptions," I said. He chuckled, holding the door for me.

I was greeted by a wooden stairwell, lined on both sides by old brick, and the air was laced with the aroma of Italian seasoning. My stomach growled, urging my feet towards the doorway at the top of the stairs. Edward's footsteps followed just behind me.

The restaurant was cozy, with old, uneven brick walls, and wine barrels stacked sideways down the center of the room. A complicated pattern of Edison bulbs hung from the ceiling, bathing the room in warm light, and large, factory style windows lined the back wall, through which I could see the twinkling lights of the city. The room hummed with chatter, and airy notes of saxophone jazz drifted through the air. It was very busy, especially in the waiting area.

I followed Edward as he slid through the crowd towards the podium. The hostess looked confused as he approached, probably because he was only wearing an undershirt, but as her shock subsided, I noticed the hunger in her eyes. Her gaze drifted over the thin fabric clinging to his chest, and a mischievous smile twisted across her lips.

"Good evening. A table for two if you could," Edward said. The hostess seemed confused as she glanced over my disheveled form, but seemed satisfied Edward was clearly out of my league. She tossed her long, blonde locks across her shoulders.

"Name?" she asked, focused only on Edward. I could see the hesitation behind his smile

"Edward," he said, glancing sideways at me. It only lasted an instant, but his eyes hummed with an odd sense of reassurance.

"Alright. I have you down for a party of two under the name Edward. Just so you know – we have about a fourty five minute wait. I apologize." She didn't sound apologetic. She sounded like she had a few ideas to fill the time, and all of them involved Edward. My cheeks burned, and I grit my teeth.

A breathtaking smile spread across Edward's cheeks, and his gaze fell. He reached into his back pocket as his eyes flicked back to the hostess, his smile morphing into a perfect, irresistible smirk.

"I'm sorry – It's so noisy in here. Could you repeat that last part?" He said, his voice lathered in charm. He slid his hand across the podium into hers, the corner of a bill just barely visible under his palm. She watched him suspiciously, pulling her hand behind the podium, but when she looked down her eyes jolted open. She blinked a few times, staring down at the computer screen in front of her.

"Actually – It looks like we just had a table open up," she said, throwing a massive smile across her face. Amazement still rang in her eyes. It was none of my business, but as she grabbed our menus I couldn't help but wonder exactly how large a bill Edward slipped her. I glanced up at him, expecting a satisfied smirk, but instead his eyes were vigilant, scanning the room like we were still in a blackened alleyway. I didn't understand why he looked so tense, suspicious even, like he was afraid someone might attack us out of nowhere, but I brushed my intrigue aside for the moment. We had more important things to discuss.

The hostess led us on a winding path through the restaurant towards a small, wooden table directly beside the long row of windows. The circular table was ringed like the inside of a tree, and the warm glow of the Edison bulbs reflected off it's polished surface. Through the window the city lights glittered skyward into the infinite distance.

Edward pulled a chair from beneath the table, watching me expectantly. It took me a moment to realize he was holding it out for me.

"Oh – thank you," I said, taking my seat. He nodded, taking the seat across from me.

"Your server will be right with you," the hostess said, flashing a smile as she set down our menus. Her eyes were still stunned as dashed away as quickly as her heels could carry her.

"Thank you," Edward said softly, facing me once more. The tousled locks of his hair shone lustrously in the warm light, and his eyes glistened like perfect amber. It was no wonder he could get anything he wanted, and even if his beauty failed him, he could apparently resort to bribery. The combination of the two had worked wonders on the hostess.

"So – when I get asked about that later – I didn't see anything. Is that my story?" I asked. He cocked his head, amused.

"What are you talking about?"

"You did just bribe her, right?"

He leaned forward so his elbows rested on the table, and a smirk twisted across his face.

"I did no such thing."

I raised an eyebrow, but his eyes stayed locked in mine.

"I gave her a gift," he chuckled, shooting me a wink.

"Is that what you call it?" I rolled my eyes, unable to hold back my grin.

"You've already had difficult night. I didn't want to make it any harder – so – I sped up the process," he shrugged. I stared at him, surprised by his selfless answer.

"That was – very thoughtful. But still, you probably shouldn't go around bribing people," I said. A warm grin spread across his cheeks, like what I'd said was somehow mesmerizing.

"I'll try to keep that in mind." He nearly whispered. His eyes hung in mine like honey, but my gaze fell to the table. It would be so easy to lose myself in his eyes, but I knew I still deserved answers. Until I had them, I couldn't let myself get swept away in his warmth.

I glanced back up, trying to overcome my nerves, but a young man stood beside us. He was lanky, but tall, and wore an apron around his waist that was as black as the curls of his hair.

"Hi there, I'm Devon. I'll be you're server this evening. Can I get you started with something to drink," he smiled down at us. His eyes lingered on Edward longer than I'm sure he realized, but Edward didn't seem to notice. His eyes never left mine.

"Do you trust me?" His gaze was unexpectedly intense. I couldn't help but think of all the ways his question applied. When he answered my questions, would I believe him? Did I think I could really trust him? The answer slipped from my lips as effortlessly as breathing.

"Yes."

He looked up at Devon, who'd been eyeing him throughout our exchange.

"We'll take a bottle of pinot noir – New Zealand if you have it, and the classic red please," Edward said, handing the menus back with a polite smile.

"Perfect. I'll be right back," Devon said, turning away to cross the dining room. I cleared my throat.

"Pinot Noir?" I asked. Edward paused, furrowing his brow.

"Would you've preferred something else?"

"I'm nineteen," I said, rolling my eyes playfully.

"And I'm twenty-three. What difference does it make?" He smirked. I fought back a laugh. I should've known it would be useless to argue with him, but for some reason, I still felt the need to try.

"Just relax," he said. His eyes smoldered with a warmth that only hours ago had been nowhere to be found. It was almost like the Edward in front of me now had been replaced by an imposter, and now that imposter was nowhere in sight.

A hand crossed my field of view, breaking my concentration. Devon placed a plate of olive oil between us, along with a basket of bread. He pulled a bottle from his tray and poured a small amount of red wine into Edward's glass. Edward swirled it, before raising the glass to his lips.

"That's perfect. Thank you," he nodded politely as Devon filled our glasses.

"Your food will be out in a minute. Let me know if I can get you anything else," Devon said, watching Edward as he turned away. Edward didn't seem to notice. His eyes had already found mine. I stared at the base of my wineglass, tracing its edge with my fingers. I couldn't risk looking up. It was already hard enough to think clearly without meeting his gaze head on.

"What's wrong?" He asked. I could feel his gaze burning into me, absorbing every detail of my expression. I'd never understood his curiosity.

"Nothing," I said, forcing a smile.

"It doesn't look like nothing." His voice was gentler than I expected. I sighed, staring out the window into the skyline.

"It's just – we're at dinner now…" My voice trailed off as my courage failed.

"Yes…"

I met the curious warmth of his eyes and a flutter rushed through my chest, a flutter that only made it harder to find the words I needed. I dropped my gaze.

"I um – I know you promised me answers, but – I feel like I don't know what to ask."

"Bella…," my name rolled tenderly from his lips, drawing my eye. "You can ask me anything – I promise I'll answer." I could see the tension in his jaw, the way his teeth tugged at his lip, like he was just as nervous as I was. I sighed.

"You ask something first," I said. His brows shot up.

"Really?" He asked.

I nodded.

"I mean – I have so many questions – but right now I can't think of any of them, so – you might as well go first." My stomach twisted in sharp knots as he stared at me, his eyes wide.

"You're sure?" He asked. I nodded. He stared down at the table, his eyes swirling with tension. He took a long, steady breath, raising his wineglass to his lips. He'd barely finished his sip when his eyes finally found mine.

"Why did you run into the woods today?"

My jaw fell open before I could stop it, and my heart crashed against my chest.

"How did you…,"

"I thought it was my turn first," he smirked, though I could see the uncertainty behind it. I sighed, closing my eyes.

"It is," I admitted. My stomach felt like a brick, but I couldn't lie to him. If I expected him to be honest, I had to do the same, no matter how sick it made me feel. I ran a hand through my hair, clenching my eyes shut even tighter.

"Because… I wanted to be alone," I admitted reluctantly. "I wanted to escape." There was no response from the other side of the table, only the sound of jazz and joyful chatter. His silence was deafening, so much that I couldn't take another second. I opened my eyes.

He stared down at his hands, his expression hollow, like he'd just been given tragic news. He reached for his wine glass, lifting it absently to his lips, before letting out a tight sigh.

"Why?" He asked.

"Hey – you already had your turn," I said, cracking a halfhearted smirk. He chuckled, though his laughter seemed heavy.

"I suppose I did. Ask away," he said. I took a deep breath, pushing back against the weight in my chest.

"How did you know I went into the woods," I asked. He smirked, raising an eyebrow like I was missing something obvious.

"My office window overlooks the lawn Bella. I saw you storm away with my own eyes. You looked very – determined." His amusement faded as turmoil crept into his eyes. "I saw the storm coming, yet there you went, marching off into the woods. I assumed you'd be back fairly quickly – who goes hiking into the forest minutes before a storm after all – but you didn't come back. Then the rain started…" He sighed, staring down at the table, his eyes lost in the memory. "I still can't believe I said it. I thought I was going to be sick – and the longer you were gone, the worse I felt. I've never been so worried in my whole life." He paused, and his eyes found mine.

"But even after the rain stopped – there was no sign of you. I'd decided to go find you myself when you finally stumbled out of the woods – soaked from head to toe…" His voice trailed off like he was lost in thought. "You know – I'm still not sure why you didn't tell me off right there in my office – unless that's what you're planning on doing tonight. I won't stop you. I deserve that and far worse for how I treated you. For that – I'm deeply sorry."

I couldn't believe my ears. Edward was apologizing. Truly, and genuinely apologizing. I wanted to forgive him, to wipe away the pain etched in his face, but the sting of his words still rang in the back of my mind, reminding me of the answers I still needed.

"But – how did you know where to find me?"

He sighed, glancing down at his glass.

"To be honest – I didn't. One moment I saw you march away towards dormitory row and the next – I don't know what came over me. I was out of the building before I realized what I was doing – but by the time I got outside, you were gone. I knew you'd be headed for the dorms, and I reasoned I was probably faster than you. I was hoping to beat you there – so I could apologize – so I could beg for your forgiveness, but when I reached the grand lawn you were still nowhere in sight. At first I assumed you were faster than you looked – but then – I heard you scream." His face went blank as he stared past me, lost again in his memory. His skin drained of color as his fists clenched, and fury burned back into his eyes.

"Edward – it's okay." I wanted to slide my hand across the table, to comfort him the way he'd comforted me, but the knots in my stomach held me in place.

"No – it's not okay. It's not even close. This is my fault . If I hadn't said everything I did, you wouldn't have been walking home that late to begin with. None of this would have happened. This is on me." His eyes were heavy with guilt. Before I could speak, Devon appeared like an apparition, shattering the tension like a rock through a window.

He placed a pedestal on the table between us, on top of which was the largest pizza I'd ever seen, two inches thick, and at least a foot around, covered in a perfect coat of red sauce.

"Enjoy," Devon said with a smile. The smell of seasoning and cheeses drifted to my nose, but after our tense conversation, I'd lost my appetite. I stared down at my plate, setting my fork aside with a sigh. Edward watched me from across the table with cautious eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"You should probably try eating – you've had a stressful day."

I looked back at the enormous pizza, letting the pleasant aroma drift to my nose. One slice surely couldn't hurt.

"Okay," I said as he sliced into the pie, carving out a perfect piece. He set it on my plate and I cut the tip off with my fork, placing it in my mouth. The explosion of flavor took me by surprise: a powerful tomato sauce with hints of smoked sausage, garlic, and thyme.

"You should probably eat too." I said, cutting off another piece. He nodded, cutting his own slice.

I picked away at my food, letting my thoughts spin over everything that had happened one bite at a time. I knew Edward's apology was sincere, but I still couldn't find a logical explanation for his behavior. It made no sense.

"Edward?" I asked. He looked up from his plate.

"Yes?" He sounded morose. I looked back down, picking at the remnants of my pizza.

"Why did you say it – what you said in your office?" I didn't dare look up as I asked the question I was most afraid of. The knot in my stomach grew tighter beneath his silence, like the air was shrink wrapping itself around my body. He sighed.

"I don't think apologizing again will help, but I'm going to do it regardless. I'm so sorry Bella – for everything."

A tense sigh rushed from my lips.

"You don't need to apologize. Everything you said was true – all of it. You have so much going for you, and so many things you have to keep up with. You don't have time to put my struggles on top of those – especially when my struggles are things I should be able to do myself. You were right – I don't belong here." The air felt like lead beneath the unbearable weight of the truth. He'd never been more honest with me than in his moment of anger.

"You couldn't be any more wrong if you tried," he said gently. My eyes snapped up from my plate, meeting the glistening gold of his.

"You were the one who said it," I said. He swallowed, and his gaze fell to the table.

"I did," he said. I stared at him blankly.

"Why would you say that – if now you're going to tell me I'm wrong," I said. He looked up at me slowly, his eyes swimming with remorse.

"Because I lied."

Before I had a chance to wrap my mind around it, a humorless grin burst across his face, "Actually, I'm shocked you believed me so easily," he chuckled somberly.

"Well – I just assumed if you and Renee agreed on something – it was probably true."

"You know – the more I hear about your mother the more I get the feeling she's a deplorable person." His mouth twisted in distaste. "Either way, she couldn't be more wrong."

"Okay – but if she couldn't be more wrong, why did you say it?" I asked. He held my gaze for a moment before he closed his eyes, letting out a sigh as he ran his hands through his hair.

"You said I could ask you anything," I reminded him.

"I did." His voice was tight.

"Okay – then why did you say all of those things?" A sudden welling of confidence grew in my chest. It was the answer I wanted more than anything. He swallowed, slowly opening his eyes into mine, their depths raging with something I hadn't expected to see: conflict.

"Because – I wanted you to be angry – I wanted you to hate me." His trembling voice was barely above a whisper, but his words hung in the air like smoke. I stared at him in disbelief.

"But – I don't – why would you – I just – why?" I stuttered unintelligibly. A sigh shuttered from his lips.

"I'm afraid that's a question with a very lengthy, complicated answer." He leaned forward, staring down at his folded hands. "If I'm being entirely honest with you – I'm not sure I know how to answer it."

I leaned towards him, resting my hands mere inches from his.

"Try," I whispered. He bit his lip, letting out a defeated sigh, before his eyes finally found mine.

"Have you ever heard of the Lakefront student fraternization policy?"

"No," I shook my head.

"I'll admit it doesn't come up often in conversation – but essentially, it defines the relationship an instructor at Lakefront is allowed to have with a student. It's a dull read, I assure you – but it's easy to summarize: they can't – at least – not one that isn't strictly professional. For teaching assistants, the policy applies to any student in a class where they have grading authority. The consequences for violating it are – severe." He closed his eyes, rolling his neck from side to side. "I'll admit it's not something I'd ever given much thought – but anymore it's proving to be – frustrating."

My gaze traced over his face as his fingers slid slowly through his hair. He looked conflicted, like a man deeply at war with himself.

"But – why?" I asked. He let out a slow, deliberate breath, reopening his eyes into mine.

"Bella – I'm – I'm not…," he swallowed tensely, like the words had gotten stuck, "…I'm not allowed to be friends with you – and I'm afraid I'd very much like to be."

A warm feeling spread slowly through my chest, like the first rays of a summer sunrise. I couldn't believe my ears. Edward wanted to be friends with me! He wanted me in his life.

But the sun faded as his words echoed through my mind. He wanted to be friends, but he wasn't allowed to be. The fact that he was sitting in front of me was a blatant violation of the rules. My mind drifted back over the times his behavior had confused me, every time he'd talked with me only to vanish moments later. I'd never understood the risk he'd been taking.

"So… that's what you and Carlisle were arguing about," I said, finally realizing the scolding he'd probably received. Edward's eyes jolted open.

"Arguing?" His jaw went slack. "How did you know we were… could you hear us?" The color drained from his face like he'd just seen a ghost.

"N-No!" I lied. A wave of guilt washed through me. "I just – I could hear you shouting – but I didn't understand anything." It wasn't an outright lie. I didn't understand their context, but even now the words 'What you decide to do – the decisions you make – could very well have grave consequences,' echoed through my skull.

Relief washed over his face and he rolled his shoulders like a massive weight had just been lifted. I didn't understand his sudden panic, but I couldn't shake the suspicion that something else had been discussed in his fathers office, something important – something Edward didn't want me to know. He sighed.

"Carlisle simply wanted to remind me what I have at stake…" his gaze met mine, "…what I have to lose." His eyes rang with an intensity I didn't understand, like their was some hidden meaning in their depths.

"What do you mean?" I asked. His eyes never left mine.

"There's…" he paused for a moment, grimacing. "Let's just say it would be… better for you if I listened to his advice."

The was a certain finality to his tone that implied the topic was off limits, but it was still enough for me to know I was right. There was something else going on, some deeper reason behind his hesitation, but for now at least, that wasn't the most pressing question on my mind.

"So – Carlisle told you that you couldn't be friends with me," I said. Edward shook his head.

"No – Carlisle would never do that. He left that decision up to me – but that doesn't mean he wasn't right. I needed to think of more than just myself." He huffed, clearly frustrated, yet somehow it didn't reach his eyes. Instead the way he watched me was oddly… protective. "So – I made one of the stupidest decisions of my life. I decided to burn the bridge, so to speak. I had to make you hate me – because if you hated me – being friends with you wouldn't be an option. Pushing you away – saying whatever I had to – it was the only way to stop myself." He sighed, closing his eyes. "Bella – you have to understand – it's just so – effortless – to be around you. It's so easy and simple and refreshing – so I did the unthinkable, just to rid myself of temptation." He paused, meeting my gaze with guilt ridden eyes.

"Do you know what the worst part is?" He asked. I shook my head, stunned into silence by his unabashed vulnerability. "I can tell by the way you've looked at me all night – by the way you're looking at me now – that I succeeded. I hurt you – and that… that's unforgivable, regardless of the reason. I know I'm in no position to make promises, and I know there's nothing I could do or say to deserve your forgiveness, but if there's any way to try to make amends for the hurt I've caused you – I promise – I'll do it without a second thought."

His eyes hung in mine, beautiful, tormented, and undeniably sincere. I didn't understand how they could still bring me such joy, when they were filled with such sorrow. Still, my heart rang with guilt. He was tormenting himself because of me, and that was something I couldn't allow.

"Edward – I um – Edward you're shaking," I said, staring down at his hands. They trembled against the tabletop. I met his gaze once more, but his expression was unreadable.

"I'm okay," he insisted with a tense nod. I wanted reach across the table and place my hand on his, to comfort him, but I knew better than to press my luck. Our situation was already delicate enough.

His eyes were still locked in mine, frozen with trepidation. I sighed. I'd gotten my answers. Now it was time to give him his.

"Edward – you don't have to ask for my forgiveness – you already have it," I whispered, and as the words left my lips, I realized the depth of their truth. I'd forgiven him without even knowing it, because getting swept away in him had never been a choice. It'd been an inevitability. I couldn't resist him any more than I could will myself to stop breathing.

He stared back down at his hands, mere inches from my own. Electricity seemed to hum through the air between our fingers.

"I don't deserve your kindness – but thank you nonetheless," he whispered. I couldn't help the slight smile that crept across my lips.

"So – what does this mean for us, then?" I asked. He knit his brows.

"If I'm being honest – I don't have the slightest clue." He leaned forward, his hands shifting closer to mine, close enough I could practically feel their warmth. I wanted nothing more than to place my hand on his, but I resisted my impulses.

"Well – what do you want to do?" I asked. A subtle smile crossed his lips.

"I hope by this point I've made it clear I'd like to be friends with you." His smile grew. "I suppose the real question is – what do you want?"

I knew exactly what I wanted: he was sitting across from me, but I also knew he wanted my company differently than I wanted his. He wanted friendship, and I wanted more. Still, it was getting harder every minute to think of a future without Edward in it. If I wanted him in my life, I didn't have another option. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I could actually have.

"I want to be friends," I smiled. "I just have no idea how we can pull that off."

He glanced down at the table, lost in thought.

"What if – I were to tutor you."

"Okay – but how does that help," I asked. His eyes met mine.

"Don't you see? It falls within the context of a professional relationship. It gives us a reason to be seen together outside class. I'm technically permitted to tutor students individually. I can book one of the study rooms on the top floor of the library – that way we can spend time together without it looking suspicious – and maybe, I can actually help you pass my class," he chuckled. I laughed along. He was right. It was a perfect plan.

"Does Monday afternoon work for you?" He asked. I couldn't help the grin that burst across my cheeks. Edward wanted to see me. He wanted me to be part of his life. My heart glowed so brightly it felt like it might burst.

"I'll be there," I said, smiling uncontrollably. The smile he returned was the most magnificent thing I'd ever seen.

"How was everything?" Devon said, appearing out of nowhere. I jumped, clutching my hand across my chest, but Edward seemed unfazed.

"It was excellent. Thank you," He said, flashing Devon a stunning smile. Devon's lustful thoughts were written plainly across his face.

"Fantastic. I just wanted to drop this off. No rush of course," he said, placing a black booklet on the edge of the table. Edward pulled his wallet from his pocket and slipped a bill inside handing it back to Devon without opening it.

"Keep the change." Edward said. Devon glanced suspiciously at the booklet, taking a subtle peek inside. His eyes nearly jumped from his skull. He stared at Edward, stunned.

"Are – are you serious?" He stuttered.

"Of course," Edward said, nodding politely.

"Thank you so much. I hope you guys have an amazing night," Devon said, dashing excitedly across the restaurant. I ducked my head, hiding my smile. I wasn't sure if Edward was trying to impress me or if he was just kindhearted, but either way, I was glad he'd chosen to spend his evening with me.

I looked up to find him watching me from across the table. His eyes roamed over my face, studying my expression with the most peculiar look I'd ever seen, like he was studying a priceless work of art.

"What?" I smiled nervously. His gaze fell, and I could have sworn he was blushing.

"It's nothing really…" He ran a hand through his hair, still staring at the table.

"What is it?" I asked. His eyes met mine, still filled with the same strangely hesitant, look.

"It's okay – just spit it out," I chuckled. He bit his lip.

"You… you look really lovely this evening." His words were soft, but they sent a prickling sensation down my spine, like a flood of electricity that left nothing but golden sunshine in its wake. I couldn't believe my ears. He thought I looked lovely.

"Thank you." An ecstatic smile crept across my face. I hoped he didn't notice how my cheeks burned. He smiled back at me.

"Are you ready to go?"

I nodded reluctantly. I knew we needed to leave, but a part of me wished the night would never end.

Then again… it wasn't over. Not yet.