**I do not own Voltron: Legendary Defender (duh)
Mari liked JiJi. She was a sweet Olkari who had been a therapist for plenty of the refugees on Olkarion. She'd stationed herself at the Smolph hospital a few phoebs ago due to the influx of patients, all the newest victims of the violence and destruction being caused by the pirates and rogue Galra commanders.
At first, Mari didn't want to talk to her. Talking would require thinking and thinking would bring up the horrible, inescapable memories. But JiJi was patient. She filled their early silences with news of Olkarion. The forest was in full bloom for the springtime. The green landscape was colored with the warm golds and blues of flowers. When Mari tentatively asked how Ryner was doing, JiJi assured her that their leader was doing wonderful. She enjoyed teaching their new citizens about the land and how to connect with nature. Many had even picked up meditating.
JiJi asked if she had meditated before. Mari had said no. Especially now, she was too afraid of where her mind would wander. But JiJi suggested she try it. She didn't have to think about anything. She just had to concentrate on breathing, controlling her inhales and exhales. Reluctantly, Mari tried it, at least for the sake of saying she did. It was difficult to do initially, but JiJi's voice was always there to guide her back to focusing on her breath. For five minutes they worked on her breathing, maintaining a sense of peace and calm in the quiet hospital room. Such meditation enhances one's mindfulness, JiJi explained. When Mari focused on her breathing, she returned to and stayed anchored in the present moment. Afterwards, JiJi would ask her to take notice of her thoughts and emotions and how her body felt. Most days, Mari would feel hollow and numb. Her head was heavy with things she didn't want to think about. But as their sessions continued, she admittedly began to feel a little lighter.
Mari gradually began to tell her about the nightmares. About the things she had seen during her time trapped on the Galra ship with the Druid. She never gave any names. She was scared that if she dared to utter them, their owners would return to haunt her, their yellow eyes blazing. She confessed she was having a terrible time remembering things. Who was dead and who wasn't. How different people felt about her. JiJi listened to it all before proposing that Mari make a list for herself. It was better to get such taxing worries out of her head and into the open, and it was sometimes easier to do so on paper. On one side, she would write down everything she knew for certain was real. And on the other, everything she remained unsure about.
WHAT I KNOW IS REAL
- My name is Mariko Shirogane. I am from Earth. I'm 18…ish. I am a pilot. I have a ship called the Kintsugi.
- I like egg rolls. I hate the dark.
- I came to space in the Blue Lion.
- I was a rebel officer on Vurelle.
- Voltron did not come to help us.
- I am scared to be alone.
WHAT I DON'T KNOW IS REAL OR NOT
- Vurelle and its inhabitants are all gone. I am the reason they are all dead.
- Scarlett, Mitsu, and Treble are haunting me? I'm hallucinating?
- I am weak. Stupid. Useless. Unloved. I am nothing.
- The paladins hate me.
- I hate them.
JiJi assured her they would work through the uncertainties of the list together. In the meantime, Mari kept it next to her pillow as she slept, folded neatly into a square.
Time ticked by before she was finally ready to confront what was probably the easiest problem to handle on her list. Mitsubishi and Treble had entered her room without Scarlett, as requested. She hated to admit it, but she still wasn't quite ready to see the Utearen yet. Every time she saw her, every time she tried to reach out for her, Mari was reminded of that awful probing sensation of the Druid's magic. She'd heard that Scarlett had saved her from the very thing she feared, and deep down, she knew Scarlett still just wanted to help. But Mari couldn't help it. She wasn't ready to face her, at least not yet.
Remaining on edge, she'd talked to Mitsubishi and Treble. She didn't relax until they'd let her touch their faces, their hair, pinching their sides to make sure they weren't shifters. She took in their solid forms as much as she could before she felt comfortable confirming that they were indeed her friends and still amongst the living. She let out a sigh of relief and scratched their names onto the "Real" side of her list.
Unfortunately, neither of them had any knowledge on the status of the rest of the Vurelleans. They relayed their story of finding her and escaping Vurelle to Smolph, and then of how she'd been kidnapped and saved. They told her they were fine when she asked. They were taking extra good care of her ship. They were glad to see she was doing better, and she was glad to see them. Then, hesitantly, Mari had asked about Scarlett. Mitsubishi had said she was fine and with a friend.
A friend? What friend? Not a shifter or another Druid in disguise who was posing as a friend, right? Acxa, Mitsubishi had answered. Acxa? Lotor's general? The Acxa who had fought them on Hutt and had helped save that quiznaking bastard Sendak? Yes, that Acxa. But she was supposedly good now. She had helped Scarlett rescue her from the Druid.
Well, it did make more sense now, knowing that Scarlett had had help fighting the Druid. But help from Acxa? Mari couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it. It's true that Acxa hadn't wanted to kill them on Hutt. But she was still an enemy. Anyone who helped Sendak was. Why was Scarlett — why were any of them letting her stay here with them?
Mari had dismissed Mitsubishi and Treble to mull it over. She'd laid in her bed, restlessly staring up at the ceiling, unable to process Acxa's reappearance. What was she supposed to do with this new information? Maybe JiJi would know.
"I think you should talk to her," JiJi stated the next day, plain and simple.
"About what? 'Hey, how's the weather?' Or, 'Hey what are you planning by trying to get all chummy with my teammates?'" Mari scoffed, the bitterness unintentionally coming out in her words.
"She may have the answers to some of your questions. Like what happened to Lotor and Voltron, for example," JiJi pointed out.
Who cares what happened to those assholes, Mari was tempted to reply, but she kept her mouth shut. JiJi didn't miss the way her brow furrowed in dismay, and she gave her a sad smile.
"Putting the paladins and Lotor aside for now, she did help to save your life," she gently said. "It's up to you whether you want to speak with her. But it might be good to give her the benefit of the doubt."
Mari sighed and plopped back against her pillows. She glanced at the list in her hands. She really didn't want to add another thing onto the "Real or Not" side, especially not since she was so close to finally crossing one off.
"Fine," she relented, her heart already racing with dread. "I'll talk to her."
As Acxa quietly entered the hospital room, she kept her distance from where Mari sat in bed. But whether it was for her own peace of mind or out of concern for Mari's comfort, the human didn't know. She took in the somber form of the ex-general, noting her lack of Galra uniform and growing hair. As their eyes met, the look in her gaze was different. It was determined. Freed. They were no longer the eyes of a person trapped within a position she had never truly wanted.
"How are you feeling today?" Acxa asked, her tone casual with a hint of caution lingering at the edges.
Mari scowled at her. "Since when do you care how I'm feeling?" she snapped, unable to keep the hostility from her voice. "You didn't care when we fought on Hutt."
Acxa's serious demeanor saddened. "I'm sorry. For everything that happened on Hutt. For everything that happened with Sendak," she apologized, quiet and sincere. "You were right about Haggar. I shouldn't have trusted her. She only hurts people in the end."
Mari huffed and leaned back against the pillows. She was quiet for several long ticks. "Why are you here?" she finally inquired.
"I wanted to apologize."
"Well, now you have. If you're looking for forgiveness, you're outta luck."
"I'm not," Acxa assured her with a shake of her head. "I just want to explain myself. Then I promise I'll leave you and your friends alone, if that's what you want."
Mari hesitated before nodding. "Fine. I'll hear what you have to say."
Taking a seat in one of the visitor's chairs, Acxa began her tale, starting with how she'd been a spy for Lotor while working for Haggar. But unbeknownst to her, Lotor had been using the Voltron paladins this entire time. Like Zarkon, he desired power and control, and in an attempt to get it, he had established a secret colony of Altean survivors, using them as living batteries to harvest their quintessence. When Princess Allura found out about this, brought to light with the former Black Paladin's discovery of the colony, the alliance between Voltron and the Empire broke. To save Lotor from the princess's fury, Haggar ordered her, Zethrid, and Ezor to steal his comet ship from the Castle of Lions while the current Black Paladin retrieved Lotor. Haggar had been controlling him with magic, using him as a puppet to observe the emperor's movements.
When they brought Lotor to Haggar, she revealed herself to be his mother, Honerva. It was then that Acxa, Zethrid, and Ezor ended their alliance with her and they escaped with Lotor and his ships. They returned to the Castle and he tried to convince the princess to see reason. But in the end, Lotor and Voltron fought. He abandoned his generals, stranding them on a meteoroid to watch the battle, until they both suddenly disappeared. When Voltron reappeared, Lotor was nowhere to be found. Then there was an explosion. And after that, nothing.
Afterwards, Acxa, Zethrid and Ezor took over an investigating Galra cruiser. They traveled together for a while until the latter two began to consider growing their forces and building a fleet to take the Empire for themselves. But Acxa didn't want to. She was tired of war. Tired of the fighting and betrayal. With the Empire weakening, she took the chance to leave it for good. She fought with Ezor and Zethrid and she left, taking an escape pod to Smolph. She met Scarlett in the hospital, and when Mari was taken by the Druid, she'd spent a week tracking down the shapeshifter who had helped him. Then together with Scarlett, they had found the cruiser, fought said Druid, and taken Mari back to Smolph.
"I know it will never be enough to make up for all the wrongs I've done to you," Acxa said as she closed her story. "But I am done with the Galra. I want to do whatever I can to help the coalition now….Even if that means leaving you and your friends be."
Mari stared at her, contemplatively. It was a lot of information to take in, especially concerning Lotor's colony and Haggar's deeper impact on the Voltron team. But what mattered most now was that Acxa had willingly aided Scarlett in their time of need. She had come here willingly when Mari had asked, unarmed. She had opened her heart up to a complete stranger because she wanted nothing more than to be trusted. Mari still wasn't ready to forgive Acxa. She didn't know if she ever would be. But she would, at the very least, not push her away.
"Go, stay, I don't care," Mari sighed, her attention tiredly drifting to the window. She watched in silence as a small cargo ship departed from Smolph outside, no doubt carrying discharged patients and supplies to a safer recovery location. "Do whatever you want."
Acxa lifted an uncertain brow. "I don't want to stay if it'll cause you trouble."
"If the others trust you, then you won't."
Acxa's eyes brightened and the corners of her lips quirked up in a relieved smile. It was quick to fade though as she hesitantly wondered, "Are you going to speak with the Utearen? Scarlett, I mean?"
Mari tensed at the question. "Why do you ask?"
"Out of all of us, she's the most worried about you."
Her frown deepened and a twinge of guilt tugged at her heart. Her eyes fell on the folded piece of paper next to her. She knew she couldn't avoid Scarlett forever. It wouldn't be fair for either of them.
"I'll think about it."
When Mari finally asked to see Scarlett, her heart was racing. If Mitsubishi and Treble were alive and real, then so was Scarlett. Scarlett wouldn't touch her, they would talk for a bit, and she wouldn't freak out. She would NOT freak out.
A knock came on the door to her room and Mari jumped. She flattened her bedraggled hair the best she could, took a deep breath, and put on her best calm expression before calling out, "Come in!"
The door slid open and Scarlett cautiously entered. She was carrying a duffel bag that had been stuffed full. Her smile was nervous as she inched forward.
"Hi!" she greeted. Her voice came out as a squeak and she awkwardly cleared her throat. "Um, I…I brought you some, er, comfort items from the Kintsugi. If you want them."
She gingerly placed the bag at the foot of her bed before taking a step back, staring sheepishly down at her shoes. More than being nervous, she was scared, Mari realized. Scared of being yelled at and rejected by her again.
Stay calm. Stay patient, Mari encouraged herself. Just breathe. Focus on the present.
"Thanks. How…How are you doing today, Scar?" she asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
Scarlett shuffled from foot-to-foot. "I'm okay. How…are you?"
"I'm alright." A beat of silence passed before she added, "Acxa told me what happened on the cruiser. Thank you for saving me."
"Of course. You've done the same for me before," Scarlett said, shrugging as if it were nothing. "We're teammates. We look out for each other. It's what we do."
A tiny smile pulled at the corners of Mari's lips. "You've done a great job of keeping Mitsu and Treble safe. I'm so proud of you," she said. Scarlett blushed and her antenna glowed brighter in her bashfulness. But she said nothing, prompting Mari to continue, "I'm sorry I've been…well, like this. I know it must be a pain in the ass to deal with me right now."
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault," Scarlett was quick to reply, looking up at her now. "You won't be like this forever. Just keep taking it one day at a time."
They stared at each other for a moment, long and hard, a silent understanding passing between them. Mari let out a quiet breath before pulling her gaze away to focus on the duffel by her feet. It was her bag, the one full of her belongings that she'd given to Scarlett before they'd evacuated the base.
"It's been getting kinda boring just sitting here all day," Mari admitted with a forced and humorless chuckle, unsuccessfully trying to lighten the mood. "What sort of goodies did you bring me?"
She reached for the bag and opened it up, carefully rummaging through its contents. Her phone, earbuds, clothes, toiletries, and the Putaverunt Crystal were all tucked away where she'd originally put them. She pulled out her favorite purple jacket, the one she had been wearing when she'd first arrived on Arus in the Blue Lion. She held it up fondly to admire it.
"Ah, I've missed this. The hospital clothes are a little too thin for my liking, if you know what I mean. Could use the extra warmth," she said, and Scarlett grinned as she watched her shrug on the worn jacket. To Mari's surprise, the sleeves were now too short and the fabric felt tight around her shoulders. "Damn. Guess I've grown a bit since I last wore it."
"I think I'll have to get a new outfit soon too," Scarlett chimed in, gesturing sheepishly to her own attire. Her pants were indeed getting dangerously short and her top was threatening to show more of her belly as she grew taller and her chest gradually filled out.
"You interested in hand-me-downs in the Earth style?" Mari asked, half-jokingly.
Scarlett cracked a grin. "Thanks, but I think I'll pass."
Looking at her now, Mari really took notice of how much she had grown since they had first met. Besides her increasing height, Scarlett was getting curvier and more muscular, the baby chub rapidly disappearing. Her feathery light blue hair was longer and her antenna had gained some height too. She was no longer the scrawny and annoying preteen she had met in Thaldycon. They were both getting older and changing. Nothing was meant to stay the same.
Mari's face fell as she continued to sift through her belongings. Her transponder, practically rendered useless now that the rebels were being hunted, sat lifelessly next to her staff and blaster. Her spacesuit had been folded neatly and tucked underneath them, the pieces of armor and her helmet shoved next to the pile in the back.
"I'm sorry, I looked all over the Kintsugi, but I couldn't find your Quintessence Ring anywhere," Scarlett piped up again, carefully watching her as she picked up one of her pauldrons. "It must've been left on Vurelle. Or maybe the Druid took it? I don't know. It was such an important gift. Maybe we can get another one or — "
"It's okay. I don't want it anymore," Mari said, firmly stopping her before she could say anything more. Her chest felt tight just thinking about it. Even if she hadn't lost it, she was sure she would've taken it off and thrown it away anyway.
"Oh. O-Okay…"
Mari ran her fingers over what remained of the Voltron 'V' that had been painted onto the pauldron. Heavily scratched and scuffed from the collapse of the base, the 'V' was now partially gone, leaving behind nothing but the scars from the abuse it had taken.
"Acxa told me how Haggar was controlling him….It explains a lot," she noted quietly, refusing to look up at the Utearen. "This whole time she was using him, and I didn't even notice."
"None of us did," Scarlett gently reminded her. "We were all going through a difficult time."
"I knew something was wrong, but I could never get him to tell me. I didn't try hard enough." Mari took a shaky breath, the image of Shiro and his narrowed yellow eyes flashing across her mind. "I just…gave up on him."
"It's not your fault, Mari…"
"I know it's not. But I still — I still can't help but hate myself," she admitted, her voice bitter and hollow. "What if I had done something? We could've helped him. Voltron might've not disappeared on us."
She paused, swallowing around the growing lump in her throat. "But then…I find myself thinking that I don't care anymore. I don't care that they're gone. I don't care that Haggar was using him," she confessed. Her eyes stung and her anger flared the longer she stared at the damaged 'V'. Her nails scratched at it, removing more and more of the paint. "They don't care about me or any of us, so why should I care about them?"
Her grip tightened on the armor piece, her knuckles turning white. "They're all liars. They said they would always be here for me, for us, but they left us alone. And now the coalition is falling. Millions of innocent people are dying everyday because Voltron isn't here to stop what was started," she growled, her voice rising in her elevating distress. Hot tears had begun to leak from her eyes, but she did nothing to brush them away. "I hate it. I hate myself for not being able to do anything. I can't walk or fly. I can't even tell which of my memories or feelings are real anymore. I hate the paladins, all of them. I hate this whole situation!"
In her frustration, she threw the pauldron back into the bag, making the whole thing clatter and shake. A heavy silence filled the room as she sat there sniveling, furiously pressing her palms to her face. It took several minutes for Scarlett to say anything as she waited for the human to cry it all out. She rested her hands on the edge of the bed, her own eyes brimming with pain and fresh tears.
"I know everything sucks right now. I know you're hurting in ways that I can't possibly understand," she said, her voice trembling and thick with emotion. "We just gotta take it one step at a time. We'll help you figure everything out. Anything bad that happens to you happens to all of us. We're gonna get through this together, no matter how long it takes."
Just one day at a time. It would be painful. It would be difficult. But Mari wasn't alone. They could do this, her, Scarlett, Mitsubishi, Treble, and perhaps even Acxa. They would survive this terrible, terrible time in their lives. They would get better. They just had to breathe and take it slowly, step by step. And then maybe, hopefully, they could start moving forward.
**Check out my tumblr to see some cool art: pufftheninja