Chapter 6

I lay in my nest, faking sleep. Violetnose didn't bother me when I was asleep so I pretended to sleep a lot, even though I had a feeling she knew I was faking. Yeah, I know everything she was trying to get me to do was for my own good, but did I care? Not really. I didn't see the point of burdening the world with my existence any longer. It has been made clear time and time again I wasn't wanted. I'm doing everyone a favor, even if they don't realize it yet.

A cat walked in the den. I opened my eyes a little to see who it was. It was Whitefoot. She checked on me a lot for someone who doesn't know me. Then again, most of SunClan had dropped in to see me and introduce themselves, but Whitefoot was one of the two cats that seemed to visit me the most. Her and Snakeheart had dropped in at least once per day, although I had no idea why Whitefoot did. I suppose she might want to see how I was doing as she was the one who rescued me. That was the best guess I could come up with at least.

"How's she doing?" Whitefoot asked.

Violetnose sighed. "She still hasn't ate anything and isn't doing anything really. She just lays there and spends most her time sleeping or faking sleep." Mouse-dung, so she does know. "I don't know how to convince her to eat something. I've tried everything I could think of. Well, I haven't tried just forcing her to do it, but from what I gathered from Tallblaze, that wouldn't work either. She's a stubborn one; I know that much."

"There's got to be something someone can do," Whitefoot said.

"I'd go to NightClan to ask Tallblaze for help, but with how much less experienced he is compared to me, I'm not sure I can get away with it," Violetnose responded. "If it gets down to it, I may just have to try force, but I really don't want to. I'm really worried though, I feel like I'm failing."

"You're not failing, this is just a very different case from what you're used to," Whitefoot told her. "After all, how many patients have you had that went through what she did?"

"I suppose you're right," Violetnose sighed. "I just don't know what to do."

"How about let me give it a try?" Whitefoot asked. "I'll see what I can do."

"Just be warned she'll know what you're up to," Violetnose told her. "She can hear us. She's just faking again." Mouse-dung, she really does know.

"Trying won't hurt anything," Whitefoot responded.

I lifted my head. Let's get this over with. Whitefoot walked over to me. I looked up at her.

"I'm don't wanna eat and you can't make me," I told her.

"I'm not going to make you do anything," she promised me. "I just want to talk. Why don't you want to eat?"

"Because I don't wanna," I answered.

"You haven't eaten in a quarter moon, you must be hungry," she responded. "There has to be something more behind it."

She was right. Of course she was right. My stomach was eating away at me. I was quiet as she sat there, waiting for a response. I wasn't going to tell this random cat all my emotions, was I?

"Because what's the point?" I asked.

"Surviving is kinda the point," she answered.

"And what's the point of that?" I asked. "I'm alone in this big scary world and I can't handle it. I might as well die."

"You're not alone despite what you may think," she told me.

"Really? Because I was cast out of the Clan that houses all my friends, the few cats who cared about me," I responded. "It's not like I'm needed and I'm sure as the Dark Forest not wanted! I've never been wanted from the time I was born! If I wasn't born, everything would have been better. Redmoon would have survived, Limppaw would have had two loving parents, Limppaw wouldn't have died, Duskpelt wouldn't have died, Puddlekit wouldn't have died, my friends wouldn't have to constantly look after me; I wouldn't be a constant burden on everyone I care about! It's not like most cats would even care if I died!"

"I hear the talk. I hear what is said about me," I continued. "I'm the troublesome mouse-brain that can't keep her mouth shut. I always have been since birth. It's not like I was ever noticed unless I was getting into trouble. I get it; Limppaw needed the attention and Cranepool wanted to spend time with her actual son. The only time anyone cared was when I was causing problems. Not to mention the common reminder from Duskpelt I was a mistake and the reason Redmoon died! Then I was the mouse-brained apprentice that mouthed off a leader at a gather twice. I got both my sister and father killed because I couldn't take care of myself. I constantly got myself into trouble I couldn't get myself out of and half of that was because I couldn't keep my mouth shut! That's why Grasstail hates me so much. I insulted him once and he's been trying to either kill me or kidnap me ever since!"

"He what?" Whitefoot asked.

"Then I got made a warrior," I said, ignoring her. "I constantly got myself in life or death situations and then the kidnapping attempts. Lightstar started trying to manipulate me into taking over the Clans, Wingstar began not caring what happened to me, and then Puddlekit died because of me. Then I went through three moons I'll never fully recover from. And now I got exiled, driven from my home. I've caused nothing but problems and have been nothing but a burden to the few cats that actually care about me! I shouldn't be alive right now anyway; I don't care if I die! It'll stop more cats from dying at least! It's not like I've ever been wanted anyway! I'm not wanted. I don't deserve to be alive. So why not? What's the point?"

"Is what other cats do really your fault?" Whitefoot asked. "And what about the cats that care about you? You think they'd be happy if you just gave up and died?"

"It would be better for them anyway," I murmured.

"Would it? How would you feel if one of your friends died, even if they thought it would be better for you?" she asked. I looked down, not responding. "And not every cat out there thinks you're nothing but trouble. You have a lot of admirable qualities, you know. You're brave, loyal, resilient. If any cat thinks of you as a burden, that's their problem. I'm sorry you went through all that and that you never really had a close parent-figure. For what it's worth, I would've been proud if I was your mother."

"You're just saying that," I muttered.

"You know, maybe you'd feel like less cats hated you if you actually accepted a compliment," Violetnose put in. "You need to stop listening to that nasty voice in your head and cats that have proven to not have an opinion worth listening to."

I stared at my paws and sighed. "Whatever," I responded. "But, uh, I'm kinda hungry. Could I have something to eat?"

Both she-cats looked at each other, both excited and somewhat surprised. "Of course, I'll go get you something," Violetnose told me. "Anything In particular you'd want?"

"Uh, whatever's fine," I responded. She nodded and left.

"Did Grasstail really start trying to murder you as an apprentice?" Whitefoot asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, he almost killed me twice during the war with SunClan. He would've if cats hadn't intervened."

"Okay," she responded. "I don't know if you'll have an idea, but do you know if he killed Moleshine by chance?"

"Yeah," I responded. "Yeah, he did. I'm sorry."

She unsheathed her claws and dug them into the dirt. "If I get my claws on him, he'll never see the light of day again," she growled. "How could he dare hurt my son like that?"

"Moleshine is your son?" I asked. "Wait, you were mates with Grasstail?"

"Unfortunately," she answered. "I ended it with him some time during the war. He was never the best father towards Moleshine and didn't accept that he had his own opinions; better ones than Grasstail in all honesty. Not to mention he constantly talked about how much he hated you like he was some kit in a squabble."

"Yeah, you're much better than him," I told her.

"I'd hope," she responded. "The past is in the past and I regret ever letting him woo me, but something good came out of our relationship I suppose. Though it has left me wanting to fix all the problems he's caused."

"I'm back," Violetnose announced, coming in and setting down a mouse by me. "A hunting patrol just returned so it's fresh."

"Thanks," I told her.

"Just doing my job," she responded.

I took a bite of my mouse. Prey tastes better the longer you've been starving, I find. I ate silently, kind of regretting randomly admitting all my past struggles to a cat that I barely knew. I also felt better in a way. Venting was always nice for getting stuff off my chest. Then again, I don't want the pity. I don't need cats feeling sorry for me. It's the only reason SunClan had took me in. The only reason I was still here is that it was better than being where Grasstail and Coldclaw could find me. I was just being a burden yet again.

I looked down at my half-finished mouse. What was the point of surviving, only to continue being a burden? Only to be alone? A thought struck me. More cats seemed to care about me here than my my birth Clan ever seemed to. These mostly strangers had all come by to check on me and see how I'm doing when Wingstar would come into the den, accusing me of murder, while most the Clan didn't care. I was alone in the sense I wasn't very close to any of these cats yet I had more cats caring about me than ever, even if it was pure pity.

I couldn't help but think of my friends back in NightClan and the kits. I couldn't call this place home yet, not so soon. Being exiled still hurt and I longed to go back to NightClan. However, maybe it wouldn't be so bad here. I could make friends. I could adjust. I could learn to call this place home. It was a fresh start, something I needed with everything that had happened. I was surrounded by cats who barely knew me and didn't have any negative feelings towards me yet. Maybe this was my chance to turn things around.

I'm being ridiculous. I've proven to be nothing but trouble, so why do I want to push that on a group of new cats? SunClan had been so kind to me and I was nothing but a curse that had been brought upon them. We could only wait for things to go wrong.

Author's Note: Have I mentioned how much I love Whitefoot and Violetnose? Well, this just in, I do. I love SunClan a lot in general. It's probably my favorite Clan because I love so many of the characters and just how the Clan is practically a big family. I know SunClan probably does have a bit of a bad rep due to the antagonists in SunClan that have gotten the most attention from the Clan like Lightstar, Grasstail, Coldclaw, Murderscar, and Skystorm. Ah, but personally, I like three of those characters anyway and hint hint it's not Grasstail or Coldclaw. Anyway, leave a review if you like! Those are much appreciated! And have a good day! Until we meet again! Hopefully next week I'll publish before 11pm!

-Rowan W.