Chapter 33
Zee pouts; she thought he was planning to send her to Berlin in pieces.
Herr Doktor smiles brightly, and reaches out to ruffle her curls affectionately. Not unless she really annoys him.
Again.
Her laughter is brittle.
They go down the forest path, meeting the big bad wolf and collecting flowers for Oma.
She leans in and rests her head against Dr Josef's shoulder. He kisses her forehead and reads on.
Is he killing the twins?
Her voice seems to echo in the tiny room.
He sighs and turns to face her. His work does not concern her: she needs to learn to stop asking questions about things that she cannot understand. She must learn to trust that he will always do that which is best, and it is not her place to question him.
A woman's place is to be obedient and sweet, and if racially desirable, fulfil her biological duty to the Master Race.
In Z's case, it is to be obedient, sweet, and let him do his work on her.
It will all be worth it in the end, he promises.
The huntsman has cut Oma out of the wolf before Zee turns to him again.
Where will she live? After her Aryanization.
They will decide that closer to the time.
Will she still be called Z?
Nein, they will give her a pretty new name: a good German name. To be written on the new identity papers she will receive.
Will she be allowed to have Nicht Owl Babies then?
Nein.
Why not? Will she not be racially desirable?
Dr Josef turns to her, anger flashing in his eyes. One: she is in every way desirable, and two: because he says so.
If she cannot bear his children, she will not bear any. A gypsy or a German, she belongs to him!
Dr Mengele will not have her running off to marry some stranger, who does not know how to treat her, or take care of her as he does.
He might not read her fairytales, or understand that she cannot sleep without Pink Bunny; he will not know the ways of her people down to a science, or her complicated medical history. Zee is safest staying where he can always look after her.
Zee nods and pushes him gently until she can lie her raven head upon his chest, and they finish the tale.
She bursts into tears when the wolf is skinned.
Josef pulls her close and hushes her: it's alright little one, there will be a new wolf.
And will this one live? She wipes her tears away with a small hand.
By all that's holy, do not tell her that he drowns!
His clever mind improvises: ja, of course! And Little Red Riding hood goes to tea at his lair… but he doesn't have a copy of that story.
She brightens, perhaps when the verdammte Allies have stopped destroying everything they can get one.
Perhaps.
She smiles brightly, it is Christmas soon.
Can he keep a secret?
He nods, Zee crawls under her bed, and pulls out a hoard of candy, it is for the twins!
She must have been hoarding it for weeks.
But she cannot show him what she has for him.
His heart leaps with a child-like excitement, her enthusiasm is contagious.
How has she managed to organise him a present in here?
Even if it's something small he won't mind in the least.
He must find something for her, he's been so busy he'd almost forgotten the holiday for the first time in his life.
Everything here at KZ Auschwitz is so dark, and cold, lonely and horrible that one forgets simple joys like holidays and home.
But here with little Z the air sparkles with that old, familiar magic.
He tucks her in and leaves her to dream of sugarplums.
Back in his office he searches through his papers.
He knows he has it here somewhere.
Here, he pulls a sheaf of papers out and begins to write them out.
His mentor has sent them, it will be the very best Christmas gift anybody ever received.
Her reclassification papers.
What better present, than a future?
Nurse wakes the girl, whistling a holiday tune, indeed the whole block seems to have found something of the season, if only for the sake of the children.
One of the orderlies who lives in the nearby town, has brought brightly coloured lights and with help from the nurses strings them up, though Dr Mengele forbids them in the operating theatre.
There is going to be extra rations for everybody, staff and patients alike for the day itself, but they have another two months yet.
Zee attends her appointment with Dr Wirths, which passes pleasantly, she permits him to examine her, despite the discomfort and then Nurse comes to fetch her for her lunch.
Then she may go out and play with twins.
One of the staff has found a ball and they make a fine game of it, until Joaquin takes it and runs off with it with it held high above his head, pursued by two hundred enraged twins and Z waving her tiny arms and wailing, Dr Mengele glances out from lighting his cigarette and smiles.
A normal afternoon in the block.
Joacim is caught under his arms and carried back giggling by Z, she grabs the ball, the child holds on…
Dr Mengele senses disaster and steps out to break them apart.
He cannot allow a fourteen year old to fist fight a two year old for a red plastic ball.
It is too unseemly.
He pulls them apart by the scruff of the neck like puppies, and hurls the ball out of argument range.
It sizzles against the wire.
A most unholy screaming sets up, and he finds himself summarily kicked in the shins by a hoard of angry children.
Z! Z! Uncle Beppo killed the ball!
He looks to Zee for some sort of salvation.
She is bent by the fence, trying to rescue the blackened lump of plastic without being scorched, oblivious to his torment.
She carries back the deflated toy, and holds it sadly up, Dr Mengele restores peace with candy, whilst the gypsy is dispatched to the sorting shed for a replacement.
She brings back a purple ball, a tricycle, a half eaten birthday cake, and a rocking horse….
How has she even managed to carry it all?
He sets Joaquin on the tricycle, where he promptly attempts to run down one of his fellows.
Dr Mengele is too tired for this, he still has a three hour surgery to perform, and is rapidly running out of cigarettes.
Z smiles up at him, and moves to hug him tight. She offers him cake, and it is thirty seconds before he realises he has been attempting to eat a candle in the shape of the number four, with the twins and Zee watching him and laughing.
He thought is tasted terrible.
Zee ruffles his hair affectionately, and pulls a packet of cigarettes from within her dress, and holds it out.
Now this is more like it.
Engel go.
She assures him she can keep control, and he gratefully leaves them to her care and bribery of cake.
The surgery goes well enough, but the talk among the officers is dismal as the winter sky: there is nothing but dark news from the Eastern Front.
He finally reaches his office and collapses into the chair before his desk. How much worse can things get before this war is over?
He had applied to return to the Eastern Front; surely they need him there now, more than ever.
Rejected for service.
There aren't words in any language to sum up the insult.
Dr Mengele bitterly reduces the letter to ashes and discards it.
He looks up into Zee's pretty face at the window. It is snowing: come out and play!
He shakes his head, gesturing to his papers. She laughs and prances away to her snowy Neverland surrounded by the children. A nurse rushes in with a parcel in her hands; he cuts it open. His potassium superoxide has arrived!
Dr Josef opens the window and calls Zee in to him.
She glowers at the bottle in his hands.
He told her to come here.
She sighs and shuffles in, cheeks glowing from the bitter air, snowflakes glittering in her pretty black curls.
Sit.
She obeys and he smiles: he expected her to scream and fight or try to run again.
This is excellent. The quicker they begin and the better she can hold still, the sooner it will all be over.
Now: do not move, not an inch.
Dr Mengele reaches out and holds her face still. The drops fall and she screams: he sighs and waits for it to stop.
Don't you dare cry! You'll wash out the chemical.
She pokes out her tongue instead.
He is giving her a higher dose, for more striking and quicker results, so he will overlook it.
She can see nothing. He notes down the time: breathe, girl. This is nowhere they haven't been before. He lifts her gently, and carries her through to her room, lying her in her small white bed and pulling the blankets about her trembling body.
She screams incoherently and reaches blindly. Dr Josef finds her nightmare toy bunny and puts it in her hands, he sits beside her and strokes her hair tenderly, murmuring reassurances. If they do it in this way, it will be successfully completed within two weeks.
Now, if she settles down, he will read to her: ja?
They begin the tale of Snow White and Rose Red, there is a talking bear and a wicked, ungrateful dwarf.
Look, there is a pet dove.
Zee twitters. Her eyes hurt…
Hush Liebe: he knows. It will stop soon.
He kisses her forehead and gently pushes her down: now it is time to sleep.
He leaves the music box singing to her and goes to his own bed.
By the end of the next week, Zee's eyes are much better: she can see shapes and shadows. Nurse is to keep a note of the pigmentation as it changes. By the end of the second week, she has her vision back, if a little more blurry than before.
Nurse leads her into his office after breakfast and sits her down. She goes to her work, and Dr Josef leans over with his hateful little light.
Tilt her head back.
She obeys and flinches. All control gone, he shouts for Nurse to bring Eduard at once, and the inmate that takes the photographs, and for God's sake hurry!
They arrive at a run and Dr Wirths takes hold of Zee's face and examines her for himself.
There can be no question of the experiment's success: why, they are the colour of forget me not flowers. Most charming!
Zee beams up at Dr Josef.
Z gut?
His smile is warm as summer. Z sehr gut! Now hold still for the camera.
They must take a hundred photographs of her, and then she is measured against the colour charts. Dr Josef's most esteemed mentor is coming to visit, she must be ready to be presented.
Zee's stomach drops. What if he is displeased with the results? Will she be trapped here?
Dr Wirths laughs. Surely Josef has not been filling her head with the mad idea that she might be freed? Surely not?
Zee's face falls.
Oh dear. The law cannot be overturned for one little girl.
She watches him lead Josef from the room and listens to their muffled voices from the other side of the wall rising and falling like water, finally reaching a pitch she has rarely heard, with Dr Wirths shouting that she cannot, must not be remade and allowed to mingle and corrupt German society; and Josef roaring that her Aryanisation will be perfect: she won't merely look white, she will be white and he will change the world!
He will unmake her very race! He will destroy the gypsies to the last man, without the need for bloody execution!
Dr Wirths disagrees. At length, they concur that it will be for Professor von Verschuer, and later the Führer himself, to decide.
Dr Eduard Wirths counsels against it. He could order the experiment stopped, but he won't. Proceed, and by the end they will know its value.
Dr Josef comes back in alone, muttering darkly about his superior, and consoles himself by holding Zee's face far too tightly, and admiring her sparkling eyes as any other man might a painting.
Here: he holds up a small mirror and Zee smiles. They truly are the colour of a summer sky.
Nurse is to bathe her with a higher concentration to treat her skin, he will have her skin as fair as edelweiss flowers before his mentor arrives. Her hair he will leave her: the rich black makes her glow like the moon.
Perhaps they will all be leaving for Berlin very soon! He has her papers drawn up, would Zee like to see them?
She nods.
As Dr Josef flourishes them before her, the ink gleams and she smiles at the name he has chosen.
Liba: 'beloved' in German.
Zee likes it: it also means 'heart' in the language of the Jews but she decides, wisely, not to tell him this.
Now, Herr Doktor has a great honour for her. Tomorrow, she will begin attending the Germanisation classes meant for the political prisoners and those children deemed worthy of being made members of the Reich.
Nurse had brought the books he asked for and he sets them in Zee's arms. If she reads some tonight, before her story time, she will be somewhat prepared. Now, listen and obey tomorrow: speak when spoken to, and no biting anyone!
Zee nods, her heart fluttering like a bird in a cage.
She retires to her room with her armfuls of books and reads them as best she can. Nurse brings her supper and Zee reads on as she eats.
She is still lost in the pages when Herr Doktor brings her story. She glances up with a smile: he settles beside her and she lies her head against his chest.
Engel?
Ja?
What if the Germans don't like Z?
They probably won't: either she'll be hung from a lamppost or she'll be a medical miracle. This experiment is not a certainty; it's an adventure.
Zee nods and they go on with their story: at last he tucks her in and turns her music box as he leaves.
His mentor will arrive within the month. Zee must be ready.
He falls into sleep with visions of her turning like a music box doll before his eyes, as she was and as she will be.
Zee is hauled out of bed early by Nurse, washed, dressed, and fed a good breakfast. Nurse helps her practice introducing herself to her new teacher and class.
She arrives at the cold barracks that passes for a classroom, and settles herself at the back. A group of women enter with beautiful golden hair gleaming like morning sunshine. They introduce themselves.
Zee points to herself. Liba from Bucharest. She apologises for the poor state of her German and they nod and smile. Svetlana's German is poor too and at present Zosia speaks only Polish: they will learn together.
Magda compliments her pretty blue eyes and Zee beams and tells her that her hair is very beautiful. The day goes better than she had hoped: when she is called upon to translate a simple sentence in German, though halting, she manages to the teacher's satisfaction. A friendly, round woman from Warsaw.
There will be no prizes for guessing how she got to be so big: the rewards for collaboration with the enemy are rich.
The teacher has to call Zee three times before she remembers that here she is supposed to be Liba. It is time to go to lunch.
She misses Pink Bunny.
Her new almost-friends sit with her, and she learns about their lives before. Most of them are there because they have been selected as candidates for Germanisation, Zee acknowledges that she has also.
Who selected her?
Dr. Mengele.
Yes, she does have naturally black hair; no, he is not going to change it.
He says she looks like Snow White.
They giggle: she does a little, look how she blushes!
No need for shame: most of them are engaged in affairs with one officer or another. Zee shakes her head: it is not like that!
She desperately tries to forget the feeling of him lying on her in the darkness, and the bright, mint scent of his skin. She is his research subject. Nothing more.
They laugh and do not believe her: still, however they ended up here, they are the lucky ones. They will be offered the chance to survive.
Not like those Jews, or gypsies.
Why ever is Liba looking so oddly?
Oh dear, has she made Jewish friends? Well, she had best confess it to Herr Doktor at once: he will have to put a stop to that.
She may only associate with good Germans from now on.
Never fear: they will help her to do better. They have all made the occasional mistake. Perhaps when this is all finished, they could go out for that most German of pastimes: coffee and cakes together, at a cafe in Berlin?
There will be coffee, and delicious cakes, maybe sandwiches or wurst! They allow themselves a moment to dream of luxury and make a solemn promise to write as soon as they are settled in the Fatherland, and arrange this auspicious meeting.
Perhaps they could meet once a month? To stay appraised of each other's progress?
Ja, this is a wonderful idea.
Then it is back into the barracks to continue their education. Zosia, with much encouragement, can say hallo by the end of the first day, and Teacher is well pleased. Off they go now, and she will see them bright and early tomorrow.
Dr Mengele is waiting for Zee and her new friends flutter like a hoard of butterflies, and whisper to Zee that she is very lucky: none of theirs look so fine.
She bluntly agrees, and prances over, leaving them laughing.
He wants to hear all about how her day has been, and she tells him excitedly moment by moment. He laughs at their vow to meet up in Germany, and assures her he has no objection: it will be good for her to have friends who can help her to become a good Aryan woman. He will take her along himself.
Zee thanks him sweetly.
And so the next month passes in a similar fashion: Zee is progressing well, though her understanding of racial values is a little slow. She still has far too much sympathy with the lesser races.
Still, with time and further racial hygiene classes, her Teacher assures Herr Doktor in a brief note, that will doubtless resolve itself.
Zee is speaking German by habit with Nurse now, and with more confidence day by day.
At last Nurse readies her one morning in a new pretty blue frock with a big bow at the neck, and a flounced skirt, and tells Zee that Dr Mengele has a very special visitor for her today. Zee can guess well enough who it must be.
The eminent geneticist: Professor von Verschuer.
Nerves twist at her stomach. She has heard him spoken of in reverential tones. She knows that he is a Dutch noble, that he is Professor of Human Genetics at the University of Münster, and that he holds her fate in his hands.
She knocks at Dr Mengele's office and he welcomes her in, and sits her down. She is suddenly being inspected by a fair man with piercing blue eyes as cold as his hands: this can only be the professor.
Dr Josef is showing him the photographs of Zee, and they talk together in their native German, far too swiftly for the girl to follow.
She is prodded at, stripped, measured yet again, examined in every way, and compared against her own previous photographs.
Now the moment of truth, as Von Verschuer calls it.
A blood test to see what became of all the transfusing his pupil performed on her.
And then he is speaking to her, and she is stumbling to answer him as best she can.
He is oddly gentle. He does not raise his voice, merely notes her answers, and smiles reassuringly, whilst nodding his fair head.
Like a snake before it strikes.
He is asking Dr Josef for the Aryanization papers, and he is signing the bottom.
Zee's heart leaps in her chest.
If the blood test result is Arayan, send them straight to himself, and he will see that they make their way to Berlin, to the Führer himself.
Then, Dr Mengele may arrange to bring… Liba, now is it? Ja? Very pretty… with him, to the Institute, and they will discuss the next stage.
He is shaking his student's hand warmly, and talking about working together in Münster, and then he is gone.
Dr Mengele sees him off, and Zee sits alone in his office, trembling: whether for terror or excitement she cannot decide.
She will be offered a chance to live…
Dr Josef returns with a slightly manic smile, and offers her a sweet.
Zee knows she has done well.
Now, they can discuss where she is to live.
Without warning he picks her up and spins her about in his arms. Zee laughs.
They did it!
She claps her hands joyfully. He sets her down and pulling papers towards him across the desk; begins laying out the conferences and universities where he intends to make a display of her.
Perhaps she will even meet the Führer!
This will be the making of his career!
He is happy as a child come Christmas, and Zee cannot help but smile at his infectious enthusiasm: she certainly likes it better than the infectious tuberculosis he gave her.
He will have the Party arrange a nice little apartment for her. In Berlin, naturally.
Until then, perhaps Irene will have to tolerate her presence for a couple of weeks: after all, he has promises regarding Owl-Baby and gingerbread houses to keep!
The girl leaps up and down in excitement.
Is she an Aryan now?
Almost: once they have the Führer's signature on her papers, and she receives her Ariernachweis then yes, she will be free to live in the Reich. She will, of course, have to take her citizenship oath. They should begin practicing soon.
He seems delirious with excitement.
Zee supposes she is a successful experiment now?
The gleam in his eyes almost frightens her. Oh yes: his most successful yet! And she will go on being so!
He is going to show her the world, one university lecture hall at a time!
Dr Josef will get tenure for this! They are going to win their place in the history books, just as he promised!
He dances her around the office, almost knocking over Nurse as she enters demanding to know what all the racket is.
He picks her up and spins her about whilst Nurse screams and demands to be put down, and Zee cackles so much she almost falls out of her chair.
At last Nurse has the story out of him. She sits in stunned silence, and then to Zee's horror she embraces him; is the woman crying?
Then she is petting Zee, and telling her what a good girl she is: hasn't it all been worth it?
Zee says nothing: merely glances at the raspberry-pink eyes that adorn the far wall.
Nurse is to get Zee ready in two hours time. Find her something from the sorting sheds: they're going out to the SS club tonight. This calls for a celebration!
Fetch Eduard: he must be told at once!
Nurse scurries off to do his bidding.
Zee should go and tell her new classmates, to ready them for her leaving: assure them that he will write for her.
She flies out, across the snowy yard to where the barracks sits, and has the grace to remember to knock instead of simply charging in.
Teacher Yanina smiles, and asks her whatever is the matter. Zee tells her and she is brought up to explain to the whole class, as if she had been caught passing notes.
The room cheers: partly because, for the first time, it seems Zee has found people who seem to like her; and partly because she offers them hope for their own futures.
They wish her luck: now she must be leaving. She is going to the SS club as a treat!
Nurse comes to find her and hurry her back to her room. She is bathed again with flowery soap. Nurse fetches her and then she is taken back to her room. Laid out on the bed is a magnificent gown of rough black silk, with no sleeves, and front cut low, devastatingly simple with a full skirt: it looks as though it fell out of the pages of a Hollywood magazine.
Nurse zips it up, and Zee is sat down to have her hair put up.
At last Nurse is satisfied: Zee smiles at the pale, pretty young woman that looks back from the glass, her forget-me-not eyes glimmer.
Dr Josef comes to fetch her and she takes his arm and he leads her out across the yard. The prisoner at the door stands aside and she is welcomed into the warmth and soft glow of the club. Dr Mengele draws out a chair for her and she sits carefully. He orders their meals and they enjoy the beautiful violin music as they wait. At length the food arrives, and Zee is careful about her eating: he half-mockingly applauds her come the end, and she resists the urge to stick her tongue out at him.
She can behave like a human being!
Here: he has something for her.
He pushes two small velvet boxes towards her. Zee opens the smaller one and laughs in delight: inside a fine silver brooch shaped like a delicate rat with amethysts for eyes sparkles back at her. She picks it up, and after watching her struggle, he helps her pin it to the shoulder of her dress.
She thanks him profusely, and he smiles warmly: she is not finished yet.
She reaches for the second box, she turns a tiny silver bracelet over in her hands and giggles at the ornate letter Z engraved into it.
So that she can always remember who and what she really is: wherever life, and it seems success, might take them.
Zee is almost crying: they are so beautiful! And just for her!
Now, since she has finished eating, and they have learned that yes, she does love ice cream, if Irene isn't about to appear, would she care to dance? Zee takes his hand and allows him to lead her out onto the floor.
Finally the man who serves the drinks throws them out into the snow at midnight. Dr Josef offers the view that the celebrations should continue at his house, and Zee, a little the worse for wear from being allowed wine, agrees wholeheartedly.
When are they leaving this godawful place?
Next month, he assures her. By the end of it they will be in Berlin and he will be showing her off to his esteemed colleagues.
Apart from work, there is so much they must do once they reach Germany. She will have to be settled into her new apartment: he supposes he had better hire her a maid, for such women's nonsense as shopping and cooking.
Zee smiles smugly: she knows full well Irene has no house maid to do her work for her.
He must take her to the opera and the ballet: what fun they will have! Did he not reassure her that there would be many benefits to being his willing subject?
Zee nods.
Well, she is about to enjoy them all.
They pause to listen to the strains of Mozart pouring from one of the officer's windows. He grabs her and she laughs as Dr Mengele whirls her about the yard in the midnight and the falling snow, and then he is kissing her full on the mouth.
Zee slaps at his arms: let go, people may see.
He looks up to a pinched, shocked face high above.
What is the deviant staring at? He is committing no crime!
Zee giggles in wonder at the realisation, and throws herself into his arms, kissing him back.
At length they stagger into his home and Zee falls on the sofa in a whisper of silk. Her feet are half frozen in these ridiculous shoes Nurse gave her.
Herr Doktor laughs. He would get her a pair of Russian boots but they don't come small enough to fit her: perhaps if they have any for children. Do not ask how they used to get them on the Front.
Zee privately resolves to obey. In this case, she really doesn't think she wants to know, in light of the drunken sawing gesture he makes.
Now, to bed.
She shrieks as he picks her up, full skirts and all, and carries her upstairs. She lies out on the bed like a flower in full bloom, her skirts blossoming against the white sheets, and he falls down beside her and pulls her into his arms.
Dawn finds them in the same way.
Zee groans: her head feels as though she has taken the beating of her life. Perhaps her tuberculosis has returned.
Her mouth tastes like sour wine.
She shakes Dr Josef awake, and he is looking her over in an instant when she complains of illness.
Then he laughs, and reassures her she is not sick: she had too much to drink, it is perfectly normal.
Nothing some strong coffee and a good breakfast won't help.
He leaves her to rest while he readies himself for the day and then, after she has arranged herself, carries her gently down to the kitchen and sits her at the table before setting strong coffee before her. She flinches at the sharp taste.
Drink it, that's an order.
She swallows, shuddering.
Since she's not a Jew, he presumes she can eat bacon?
Zee nods: she should offer to help, but doesn't trust her legs.
Josef gives her an affectionate smile and tells her to rest: he's Herr Doktor, and he is ordering her to rest and let him take care of her.
The gypsy nods gratefully, holding her aching head and forcing more coffee down. He wasn't lying, the food does help.
Well, she will have to cook for him when she has her Berlin apartment.
Dr Josef would like that very much: what is she going to cook for him?
Zee is going to cook rabbit, just like her… She breaks off and turns away.
He reaches for her hand, of all the terrible things he has done, the killing of her family was the worst.
She nods, and pulls her hand back, on the pretext of eating more bacon. The air burns with a hideous distance that he can think of no way to cross.
He cannot undo it, and he will not insult her by asking her forgiveness.
She nods and rises. She is grateful for that at least. She should go.
It is a Sunday: where should she be?
She is sorry, she cannot…
Yes she can. Sit down.
If they do not learn to talk through this, it will be between them forever: it will affect their working relationship, and this he cannot countenance.
She resumes her seat and sets to her eggs with a will.
They are going to remain sitting here until either the awkwardness has resolved itself, or she has dissolved from crying and screaming at him, whichever comes first.
Scientifically, he would wager on the resolution.
Zee almost smiles.
If it's any consolation, they were scheduled to die anyway…
Her empty plate narrowly misses his head.
Followed by the knife: how it sticks into the wall behind him he doesn't like to think about.
They really could have used her on the Eastern Front! Just tell her the Russians were planning to kidnap Pink Bunny and enjoy the carnage.