Chapter 9. An Accurate Description

Shikamaru and Temari had fought each other in the Chounin exams, and Shikamaru beat her, though gave up the match at the end. She had saved him from the sound ninja, Tayuya, and he had saved her from Kujaku, a dangerous shinobi from Takumi village. Years ago he was assigned as her escort for months in the Leaf, and they went on dates, and spent their days together, talking, and eating, walking around the forests, laying in the grass and looking up at the clouds, slowly falling in love. And when she left they had continued their relationship with letters- every week at least one letter. They had snuck away from a few missions over the following year, and met, and flirted- even kissed. But then, at some point, the letters slowed, and the windows into her life closed, and Shikamaru assumed they were simply growing apart. But then they were assigned the same division in the war, and he could tell the first time he saw her, and looked at her eyes- she was a different person. And when he reached out his hand, to shake hers, she recoiled, and pulled back, and turned away, and hardly spoke. Which was all the message he needed. Whatever had been between them once was now dead and buried.

And since the war, only two letters from her, to his five, not counting the one he just mailed. It would be in her box soon, providing all the more reason to get her home and leave as quickly as possible.

Shikamaru had the young chounin on his back, with Naruto's life seals in place, and the body of the girl, on a makeshift sled, dragging her behind him, tied to his waist. It would take him three more days at this speed to reach Suna. He was tired, but it was Temari slowing him down- she refused to let him help, and was limping on her right leg. "Temari," he said, his breathing slightly labored. "Let me make a sled for you. We could go faster that way."

Her breathing was heavier than his. "No. Go ahead with them- I'll catch up."

Shikamaru knew he had to say goodbye to her, the sooner the better. She was too smart, and was probably right now remembering everything he and Naruto had said, and working her way towards the truth. And once she arrived at the truth? Either Gaara would know, or she would track him down for more answers- one of the two. He had to get rid of her. "You're being stubborn, and I don't have time for it," he said, hatefully, and cringed at his own words.

She looked at him as if slapped. He had never, since she had known him, been hateful with her. Never. Had she been hateful? Perhaps, after the encounter with the rain ninja. She played that back in her head, and then- Sasuke needs more time. For what? Were they working with Sasuke? Why would he need more time in the Leaf, when the Leaf was his home? They were on a mission, right? To be traveling as a team, to Amegakure?

He glanced at her- this was wasting time he didn't have. They still had two hours of daylight left, and he went on that way, as fast as his legs would carry him, though careful not to get too far ahead of Temari. He used his shadow to help- he sent it out ahead, and wrapped it around the trunks of trees, and pulled himself forward with it. When the trees cleared he used his shadow as a shield, blocking the snow and wind from Temari, and the chounin he was carrying and dragging. With about thirty minutes of opaque daylight left, Shikamaru found a large, fallen tree, and cleared a spot for the chounin, and leaned them against it. Then he went for rocks, dead branches, twigs, pine needles, bark, and moss, and brought armfuls back, and made a stone pit, then layered the wood, and made a shelter with his shadow, and got a small fire started, then let in more air, and the fire grew, and he added sticks, and shut the wind off for a minute, then opened it, and added more sticks, then damp logs, and within ten minutes he had a roaring fire.

He left again, and came back with large, flat stones. His arms and legs were wet and his hands dirty. He tossed these in the fire, and added more wood. He would take the stones out in an hour, and each person could lay on it while they slept, or to keep below their feet, for warmth.

Temari watched him, thinking, but didn't say anything. Surely he would not leave the Leaf, or his clan. But what if he did? And came to the Wind? No. The Wind would never have him. But if he left she would have no way to write to him, and that would be… that. He looked so different than the teen she remembered- taller, stronger, his eyes sharper, and focused, and his hair pulled back in a ponytail, and he made her nervous, for many reasons.

He left again, and returned with large sticks, and leaned them against the fallen tree, then he left, and returned with pine boughs, and covered the shelter as best he could, and scooted the chounin close to the fire. Matsuo moved closer on his own, but he had neither looked up nor spoken yet.

"Both of you eat and drink," he said. "Young man, help the young woman."

Matsuo looked up- his face set in anger at being given orders by some random Leaf ninja. This Leaf ninja had also been hateful to his mentor, Temari. "I don't take orders from you."

Shikamaru's shadow stood against the trees, wishing it had a new black shovel to throw. "Young man," he growled, "Do as I tell you, or I'll drag your ignorant ass by the throat all the way back to Suna." And Shikamaru sent his shadow like a viper around the fire and grabbed him by the throat- gently enough- he didn't lift him off the ground. He could tell the young chounin used lightning chakra by the burn pattern on his hand, and he assumed wind, given he was a wind ninja.

"Matsuo, do what he tells you to do," Temari commanded, but scooted away just a little- his shadow scared her. "Shikamaru, don't be-"

"Use your head," Shikamaru interrupted, looking hard at the young teen. "You need to hurry. Not for my sake- for yours and your team. Do as I tell you to do, so you can get your ass home before it's too late." Shikamaru squeezed his neck just a little, then let him go. "And when you're finished eating and feeding her take your coat off, go outside and put your arm in the snow for ten minutes, then take a five minute break and warm it by the fire, and do it again. Repeat that for an hour."

"Shikamaru…" Temari had never seen Shikamaru mad, and was surprised he was being hateful, and now surprised he was angry at a teenager, and surprised he was interrupting her. This wasn't the man she remembered from years ago, or the man she knew from letters. "If you're mad at me, then fuss at me- not them."

Shikamaru looked at her. He knew how much the human heart weighed- nine ounces. That was about the same weight as a can of soup. But if that was true, why did his heart feel so much heavier? It felt like he had been dragging it behind him with every step he took with her, and it was collecting mud and snow and ice. He shut his eyes, and crossed his legs, and pulled his cloak tight around him, and made a circle with his thumbs and pointer fingers, and shut his eyes, and started thinking.

Temari had seen him do this a couple times before- but always in a fight. He did this when he was thinking about the best way to win. Win at what? Where was the fight?

"How many rain ninja did you kill?" His voice was low, and monotone.

"Nine."

That was a lot to be coming from the God Tree. And with Temari taking out that many, she was probably already a target, even if they hadn't found her yet. Shikamaru guessed that the rain ninja were placed in the genjutsu in Amagakure, then sent to the God Tree and back. If this was true, it made the caster an extremely dangerous enemy. And Naruto and Hinata were walking right towards that enemy. But perhaps the God Tree remnants also played some role in this.

"Why?" Temari asked. She took her cloak off and wrapped it around her lower legs. She wore a fishnet undershirt, and a long-sleeve, dark blue wool shirt, tied nearly to her neck in the front, and a ragged scarf of the same color. She had blonde hair, pulled back in two ponytails, and blue-green, teal eyes.

"We're they stronger than normal?" he asked, his voice low.

"Yes," she answered. "You saw the one that hit Naruto."

He went back to meditating, and the minutes dragged on, then he surprised all of them by shouting- "I said ten minutes! Six-thousand seconds. I know it hurts. Do it right."

Temari looked from Shikamaru to Matuso, and back. His anger, again, and it was making her nervous, but she wasn't going to let him, or her chounin, see that. "You don't have to stay. Naruto and Hinata are probably at more risk going to Amegakure without you, then we are. We'll make it."

"You won't. Not all of you."

"And what if they don't? In Amegakure?" Her voice had a resonant lull to it- a soft drawl, that hung on the R's and S's of each word. He assumed it was caused by the shape of her tongue or jaw, and not a dialect or accent. But he didn't remember her voice sounding that way years ago, when they were young and dating. Her new accent aside, she was right- he needed to get back, but couldn't without these two young chounin dying. "What are their names?"

"Ash is the girl, and Sen."

"Ash," Shikamaru said, "Tell me something about Sen, and about yourself."

Her breathing was shallow, and it hurt, and it felt a little like drowning. But she was not going to complain. Alive. That's all that matters. She kept her eyes on the fire, and knew which ones wouldn't make it if he left. "He's my brother," she said. "And he wants to be just like Naruto, one day." She turned her head away. Naruto was going to Amegakure. And she had seen the one that hit Naruto, and killed himself doing so. If this Shikamaru person took them home, then Naruto might die. And if he didn't, she and Sen certainly would.

"And you?" Shikamaru asked.

"I'm ok." Her voice was low, and hollow, and had the same smoke in it as Sasuke's, though none of the gravel. She might have a fantastic singing voice ond day. "I'm ok with whatever…happens."

Shikamaru very much admired intelligent people, and this girl appeared to have quite a lot.

"What's her justu?" Shikamaru asked Temari. Hers was the only one he couldn't figure out. He could tell Sen was a taijutsu user only, based on his knuckles, and shoulder muscles.

"Hers is rare," Temari said. "She has a visual jutsu. She can see the abilities and jutsus of others. She can see weaknesses, and strengths. She can see the entire history of your fights, and every justu and attack you've ever used."

"Is that right… Ash, look at me, and tell me my strengths."

"No, Shik. She doesn't like to use it, and-"

"Then you shouldn't be a ninja. If you fear your own power then become a housewife, or work at a bank, or something. Do something useful with yourself."

"Shikamaru!" Temari fussed. "You're being rude and hateful and an ass. Ash, you don't have to do anything." Temari glared at him, and he looked calmly and steadily back. The night was young around them, though black as if it were midnight, and the wind had picked up.

"Being a ninja is dangerous," he said, ignoring Temari and looking at Ash and her green eyes. The fire kicked up sparks between them. Matsuo was listening. "There are so many better things to do with your life, and your gift. Only be a ninja if you have someone very important to protect. Ninjas go through emotion training, you know. We're not allowed to love, or be loved. And if you don't love anyone, what's the point?"

Temari had no words. If you don't love anyone… Temari was not used to Shikamaru being an ass- grumpy, sometimes; lazy, sometimes; quiet, pretty often, but not angry, rude and hateful. She was also not used to him advising someone with a rare and potentially powerful jutsu to give up being a ninja. She was not used to his pacificism. But she felt like she was resonating- it was her heart, and she couldn't stop it.

Ash swallowed, and thought about what he said. No one had ever called what her eyes could do a gift. "Most…most people want to know their weakness."

"I know what those are," Shikamaru answered. "But a lot of the time I'm not sure what my strengths are, or if I have any, at all."

"You have to, if you're Naruto's teammate."

"You don't know Naruto very well," he said, and smiled at the young woman. "Ash, only become a ninja if there's no other way to protect the people you love? Do you have someone important to protect?"

"My brother..." she groaned, and Matsuo handed her water, and then put his arm near the fire. Feeling was returning to his fingertips. "But, if he gave up being a ninja, then I wouldn't need to protect him."

"Talk to him. Ask him why he wants to be a ninja. Fighting and being cool aren't good enough reasons. You know what I want to be?"

She looked at him, but didn't answer.

Temari sat silent, listening. Her heart was silent.

"A metalsmith. I want to make jewelry, and gears, and watches, and wind chimes." He looked up at the trees, and though he wasn't positive about those words, they sounded a hell of a lot better than- I'm going to rule my clan with an iron fist, or- I'm going to become a Leaf criminal. "This is my last mission as a ninja- with Naruto. After this one, I'm done. It's time to do something else, instead." His father would be so disappointed. But it was his father who also taught him how to speak his options out loud, and choose the one that was easiest to speak.

Last mission?! Temari looked at him wide-eyed; surely he was joking. Aside from Naruto, he was one of the Leaf's strongest ninja. Entire villages feared Shikamaru.

"Why? You could be a famous ninja working with Naruto."

Could be, Temari thought. There's a reason the Leaf was rarely attacked, and it wasn't their Hokage- it was Shikamaru, and Naruto.

"'I'm tired, Ash. And Naruto's tired. We're tired, and I'm not sure you're old enough yet to know what that feels like. You'll discover, in this life, that being a ninja goes against being honest, and trustworthy. Being a ninja erodes you. Ninja are tools, not people. Tools break, and crack, and bend, and dull. I'm tired of being someone else's tool. My clan fell apart in the war, and the village I came home to isn't the one I left. At some point in life it begins to feel like every loss, and every victory, takes a little bit more, and a little bit more, and I don't have anything left to give. My fath…" He stopped himself, and looked down a moment, then back to her. "It's one thing to protect your family, and your friends, on your terms, and how you want. But you'll lose people you love as a ninja, and you'll lose yourself. Don't be ashamed to quit. Instead, be proud that you're making a wise decision."

Temari didn't know what to say. She had never imagined she would hear those words out of his mouth. This was not the Shikamaru she remembered. Impatient, rude, angry, and advising her chounin to give up being a ninja? I'm done. Those words stung her- more than stung, it felt like he had calmly and slowly slipped a sharp blade through her ribs. It felt like he was distancing himself from her; purposefully. But his words resonated in her chest- all she dreamed about was running, as far and as fast as the wind would carry her. But she didn't know how.

They arrived in Suna, in the morning, two days later. Shikamaru had been here a couple times before, and as far as he could tell, nothing had changed. He followed Temari to the hospital and waited. Two hours passed, and he was kicking himself for agreeing to wait. Nurses passed, talking about Kankuro- he had returned injured on a mission to the Stone, and his uncles were coming by soon to visit. Shikamaru didn't think much of it. He needed to leave.

Eventually she came back to him with a look of relief on her face, and walked up to within a few feet of him.

"Everything ok?" he asked.

She nodded. "They'll survive, at least. The doctors had never seen a sealing technique like that before, and weren't sure what to do."

Shikamaru shrugged, he had no clues, other than that Naruto had used the same technique on Gai in the 4th War.

"But, once they started working on him, the seal started backing away on its own. So I guess I owe Naruto an apology, and a thank you." Her face was still red from the cold, but her eyes were sharp, and similar in color to Naruto's, except more teal. She truly was a striking beauty- a round face, a generous mouth, high, softly-rounded cheek bones, gently sloping, button nose, and long eyelashes. Her attire complemented her beauty, but did not do it justice: Black gloves, black boots, black pants and tight black shirt with fishnet underneath, and a long, thick red cloth belt. Though short, she wore her hair in twin tails, which made her look younger than she was, and called attention to her eyes and collar bones. Not many people knew this, but the Wind had falsified her age, to make her older than she was, in an effort to make her more attractive to older ninja, and less attractive to younger ones- including Shikamaru. Most believed she was in her mid-twenties, though she didn't look it. Shikamaru assumed she was his age- twenty; his father had thought she was younger than that. "And…" she started, looking from the ground to him, "I guess I owe you the same. I'm sorry for slowing you down, and thank you for your help. I also think-"

"You're welcome," he interrupted, then stretched, and added, "Well that does it for me then. I should be getting back to my team. I guess I'll see you at…" then he stopped himself. He was going to say the conference, but that was unlikely, and if it did happen, it would be as enemies. "I… hope… you have a good Christmas, and New Years," he said, and offered a weak smile, and pulled his hood up and turned to go.

Why did he cut himself off, she wondered? He doesn't think he'll see me again? It felt, for the smallest of seconds, that he had pulled a small piece of her heart out as he turned to go- with that same blade he had pierced it with two days ago. Temari didn't have many friends- just two she actually considered good, and trustworthy, and Shikamaru was one of them. "Gaara wanted to see us first… before you go."

"Us? No."

"Come on, Shik. Let's go. It's a worse idea to blow him off." She followed him out of the hospital lobby into the cold.

"I'm leaving. Give my regards." He turned to go, and she followed, pulling her coat up.

"Shik, seriously? That's not a good idea. The guards might not even let you leave. Come on."

He stopped and looked back at her, and again, gave another weak smile, and his eyes had little cracks in them- like broken glass, and they were heavy with sadness, and worry. He didn't know when she developed an accent; he didn't know when she had lost her fire; he no longer knew whether she considered them friends or not, but he did know, without any doubt, that he had nothing of value to offer her. His life was sinking, and he didn't need to drag her down with him, and she didn't need to follow him. "Goodbye, Temari. Don't follow me." He looked at her a few seconds longer, studying her eyes, and face- such a beautiful woman. A beautiful woman who deserved safety, and friends, and stability, and a better life than what he could offer. He turned his back to her, and the driving snow, and walked to the gate. She followed, and as expected, the guards knew who he was, and about his meeting, and were not going to let him pass. He caught them with his shadow, and had both walk to the gate posts. He pulled their heads back, and slammed them forward into the hard wood. He walked out into the snow, and wind, and was gone.

Goodbye?

She was supposed to meet with Gaara, but no longer wanted to. Did he just say goodbye permanently? As in, forever, goodbye- we'll never see each other, or talk to each other, again? She walked home, to her apartment, and flipped the lights on. Her plants needed watering, so she got her watering can and made a full circuit around her apartment. She stopped at an aloe plant by the window in her bedroom. At her desk were the only two pictures she had: one of her and Shikamaru from years ago when he was escorting her around the Leaf, and one of her, Gaara, and Kankuro at their graduation. Then she remembered her mail, and dropped the can and ran to the kitchen. She dug through the stack and found his letter on the bottom- delivered today. She tore it open and read. One page, two pages, and then on the last page, a gap in the writing, and a couple drops that smeared the ink:

This will be my last letter.

I appreciate you always pushing me to be better- a better ninja, a worthy team captain, even the Hokage. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going on my final mission today. I'm done fighting. I don't have the heart for this anymore. It used to annoy me that you pushed me, because at first it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for you. But then I realized, as we wrote to each other, that your pushing was your way of expressing your friendship, and wanting the best for me. I appreciate that.

I left my home last night, and my clan, and I'm not returning to the Leaf. Don't worry about writing to me- I don't know where I'm going; I won't get your letters.

I hope you have a good Christmas, and a good New Year's. I hope you spend it with your family, and friends, and are safe, and warm. I hope whatever you do in this life, peace and happiness and love find you, and follow you. As the song goes- I wish you bluebirds in the spring, to give your heart a song to sing.

You're such a beautiful, strong, intelligent young woman. I think, probably, you're most proud of being a fantastic and fearless ninja, and you should be. But I won't remember you as a ninja. I'll remember you as a friend- my first girlfriend, and then my best friend.

On the bright side, I know what my dream is now. I want to make wind chimes, and listen to them in the breeze. The sound of the breeze, the tones from a gust of wind, the music the chimes make, will forever remind me of how special you were.

Goodbye.

Shikamaru

Her heart stopped beating, and her lungs stopped breathing, and her ears stopped hearing the silence. He was leaving and breaking up with her. His goodbye was permanent. He broke their relationship. From girlfriend, to bestfriend, to friend, to nothing. How special you were- not are. Her heart lay scattered out in front of her like puzzle pieces flung from the box, staining her little kitchen table, and the chairs, and the floor, with her blood, that had memories of him running all through it. Pooled on the floor around her feet. She choked and tasted copper. She couldn't even mail him a letter now. She had no way to ever talk to him again, and he obviously thought he was going off to die. This is my last mission. He was done. She collapsed in on herself. He couldn't just walk off like this- not without telling her what was going on. Not without explaining this letter. Go home, where it's safe; I hope you are safe and warm. Beautiful? I'll remember you… God damnit, she thought, and jumped up and her leg gave in, and she stumbled into her closet, and straightened herself, and started packing. He meant too much to her for her to allow him to say goodbye, and end their relationship like this. She grabbed her journals, and all his letters, including this one, their picture, some dried fruit and nuts, a blanket, changed her boots, and opened her little apartment door, and did not look back. She lowered the hood of her coat and followed him, towards Amegakure, using her fan as a brace.

Shikamaru stopped at dark, and made a fire, and a small shelter, and watched the fire for two long hours, thinking. What he needed to figure out was what could the God Tree was being used for? It seemed likely that the Rain ninja who retrieved it felt the effects- was it a draining effect, or a stimulating effect? It shouldn't physically have both properties. And then the other problem- why would it hurt Naruto and Sasuke worse than normal people? That didn't make sense to him. It also did not make sense to him that whoever was controlling these ninja didn't have the sense to have them drink, and eat. Something was still off about that, and it bothered him. Then his thoughts turned to Temari- he had been an ass on purpose, to drive her away. Another failure, on his part. Then he heard a sound- someone coming slowly through the trees, and he jumped up and darted out and nearly ran Temari through at the end of a long knife. "What the hell are you doing?" he growled.

"I came to find you," she said, and hobbled towards the fire.

"Go back.".

"Good-bye? You think you can just end our relationship like that, and disappear, and not even bother telling me why?"

She read his letter. That made this more difficult. He knew she was stubborn, and knew he was going to have to insult her, abandon her, or physically injure her to get her to go. But he couldn't simply walk off. That would be cruel- to simply out-walk her knowing she couldn't keep up on her bad leg. Depending on the weather she would arrive a couple days after him, or never make it. Shikamaru. He looked at her, and thought about attacking her. Could he beat her up? Probably, but even if he could he didn't have the heart to. Shik. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't. You stupid woman. You ignorant hag- to quote Sasuke. But his mouth couldn't form the words.

"Are you ok?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm not. You're putting yourself in danger by being around me. More than danger. And… if I'm being honest, even if you wanted to help, I'm not sure you could. You need to go home."

"I'm not going home. Walk off if you want. I'm following you, to Amegakure, then back to the Leaf, until you tell me what's going on."

You won't be following me to the Leaf, he thought. "Why? You're too smart for this. You're too valuable to your village. You have family, and friends. You need to leave."

"You need to tell me what the hell is going on. Why did you write that? You either don't like me anymore, or you're going off to die- which is it?" Her leg ached, but she could not act like it did- she had to remain strong.

"Did you ever like me?" he asked.

He slapped her with those words. "Of course I like you Shik. Do you not read my letters?" Her voice on those words, like ice underfoot- careful where you step or the entire thing could crack and break.

Like, instead of liked? He wasn't sure he believed her. "I've read every one." He looked at the fire, and his eyes were bothered. He turned his body so that he could look further away from her. "Temari, being with me, right now, risks everything you have in the Wind. Everything. I don't think you can help me, even if you want to. Go back, before it's too late."

She looked at him- his shoulders were slumped down as if something heavy sat on his back, crushing him. He used to have good posture. So he was done with his home, and clan, and village? Truly? Pity that she had nothing so noble to give up. "What's in the Wind, Shik? You've read them all, but I bet you don't know the names of my family and friends- that's because I don't have any. What is there for me to miss other than my plants?"

He was silent a while. He still wasn't looking at her- away, and into the fire, and down. And when he did speak his voice was low, and ragged. "Years ago we held hands, and years ago we kissed once. When we saw each other in the war you hardly spoke, and recoiled when I tried to shake your hand. Now you have an accent, and you don't return my letters. I'm not trying to be mean, but if we're just piddly-ass friends, then turn around, and go home, before it's too late."

That stung. Badly. That hurt as badly as his letter. He could've punched her and it hurt less. Just piddly-ass friends. Is that how he viewed them? From girlfriend, to best-friend, to… nothing. Honestly, she still considered him a boyfriend. What else could he be? "Where I'm from, Shik, a friend is a friend."

He looked up at her, and held her eyes by the firelight. "And where I'm going, and what I'm doing- that's not enough. Go home." He pulled a blanket from his pack, and made himself comfortable near the fire, and turned over.

"Shikamaru, please talk to me." But he wouldn't. She knew he wasn't asleep, but she knew he was done talking just the same. He wouldn't turn over, and he wouldn't look at her, and he wouldn't answer her. She eventually fell asleep too, on the opposite side of the fire.