Chapter 12: Yin and Yang

Temari woke early to the sound of him preparing to leave, but she didn't open her eyes or move. She wasn't lying to him when she said she didn't have friends or family- not quite. She had a family, but had disowned them all a couple years ago, and technically Gaara and Kankuro were brother and sister- adopted, but they weren't close. And what was Shikamaru to her? A piddly-ass friend? He had once been a lot more than that. Temari had been in love with him: his intelligence, his commitment to his friends and teammates, and he was so very handsome- ruggedly handsome. She had saved every letter he wrote her, and writing to him, and talking to him- even in slowly delivered letters, was one of her favorite hobbies, and something she looked forward to. She needed to know- had he said goodbye because he was protecting her? Was he trying to drive her away by being an ass, or was he just done with her forever? She remembered how sad he looked standing against the tree the other night. A long-distance genjutsu, fighting stone and rain ninja, stealing from Amegakure, working with Naruto, which meant working with Sasuke, Sasuke needs more time in the Leaf, this is my last mission- odds are, Shikamaru and his group have broken away from the Leaf, and are doing their own thing, which will quickly result in them being declared criminals, which is why he stopped himself from saying he would see her at the Conference. He wouldn't, or, if he did, it would be as enemies. The idea of being his enemy hurt- an odd kind of pain she was unaccustomed to. He's breaking away from the Leaf, and they're going to fight something dangerous. Or they're just breaking away, as a group, and going somewhere else, and doing something else. It made sense. Ninja from her village had done the same thing recently- left, apparently for the Stone. What else could it be? And if Gaara was truly being watched, then it was probably better she didn't tell him anything. He was smart enough to realize that if she left, the same day Shikamaru knocked the guards out, that she went after him. Ash and Matsuo would mention Naruto and Hinata. They would mention Amegakure, too. Gaara would know where she was and who she was with, and whether or not that was good, or bad- she didn't know.

She opened her eyes and watched him. He was leaving his own food for her, and medical supplies. "I'm not going home."

He turned around in the dark, in the light of a dying fire, now coals and cinders, and looked at her. "You're too stubborn for your own good."

It was cold, and she was cold, and the ground was cold. Her cheeks and fingers hurt. She moved closer to what was left of the fire. "You were right about everything except one- I consider us more than piddly-ass friends. Do you think I would chase you out of Suna if that's all you were to me?"

"I don't know why you're following me, and I honestly don't know any more what I am to you." He had the melancholy eyes of a man who has a hundred graves left to dig for the day, and a dull shovel. "You don't owe me anything, and I don't need your help. Go home."

She could only handle so many of these punches. Every time he spoke it was like being punched in the stomach. "Are you that damn upset that I didn't shake your stupid hand in the war? That I don't write as many letters as you do? You're not the best friend either, you know- you haven't said one word about your clan problems. You haven't said one word about your father dying- I asked; I even asked when his funeral was. You think-"

"So what do you want to do, Temari? I told you we were hit with a long-distance genjutsu. I told you the only two people who can break it, so far, is Naruto and Sasuke. You think either of us are on par with those two? I was lying when I told them I knew the pattern- I don't. You don't want to touch my hand- fine. You don't want to write letters- fine. Did you read all of my last letter? Did you hear what I told Ash? I'm done with this ninja bullshit." None of his options were good right now- leave, leave and help Naruto, stay and become a criminal, stay and fight his entire clan, or accept marriage offers from the Mist. He knew which his father would have him do- go to the Mist, which, to him, felt like just more ninja bullshit, combined with running. "I know- you've told me before- I can be better, I can achieve more. Well, be disappointed. I don't want to do this anymore. The only reason I'm going with Naruto is because he's my best friend, and he's in trouble, and he's quitting too. Where the hell does that leave us? You just want to be penpals with some disappointing random watch maker in some stupid-ass small village? Go home, and give up on me." His voice was direct, and as blunt as a dull shovel, and she was a little afraid of it.

She scrunched her lips up, and didn't know whether to cry, or cuss. Give up on me. Disappointed. He must think awfully little of her. He didn't look at her, but pulled his boots on, and strapped his hunting knife to the outside of his right boot, and another knife to his left. How could she be disappointed? His truth was the same as hers. "I'll be kicked out of the Wind in two weeks. That, or thrown in jail. Or, maybe, if I'm lucky, stripped of my rank. I'm not sure how many options you have, but I'd be surprised if it was less than mine."

He didn't look up.

"I've turned down two arranged marriages…which didn't go over well. The next refusal…" would be it, for her. Even if there were no actual punishments, she would lose her job and rank as a ninja, and no one in Suna would want to hire her. She would become poor, and have to leave anyway.

He finished with the knives, and started strapping packs to his side, and didn't look up. He had his shoulder-length black hair in a ponytail. "I'm sorry," he said, and looked at her. "Sorry you're having trouble in your village, but you'll have a lot more if you don't leave me."

"I can't tell if you hate me, are mad at me, or trying to protect me. It feels like all three."

Darkness and the cold of night and the silence of early morning hung around his shoulders. "Why did you pull back, in the war?"

She looked down. There was a true answer, and then there was a slightly less-true answer. She went with that one: "Because I hadn't seen you in two years, and you looked different, and it surprised me."

He shook his head. He knew that was not the reason. He sighed. It really didn't matter. Whether he hated her, or was still in love with her- it didn't matter. He stood, and looked down at her. Everything he had said felt like little truths dredged up from a deep well, and he knew they hurt her, because they hurt him saying them. "I apologize; I'm sorry. I… didn't mean to hurt your feelings, and I don't hate you. But I also know you're not telling me the truth. I don't know at what point trust died in our relationship, but it doesn't matter. I don't know at what point I became repulsive to you, and that really doesn't matter, either. If you want to walk beside me and get hit with a genjutsu and die in the snow..." He sighed, and shut his eyes. "Then… let's go die."

She stood, and there were tears in her eyes. "You're not… you're not repulsive. And, out of everyone I have left in this life, I trust you the… the most. So if it's dead…" She knew how to break a genjutsu- it required touching another person. It was obvious, and had to be the reason Naruto and Hinata were holding hands. Which also meant, that if he continued on with them, he would need a partner sooner than later, or he would die. Probably a female, and they would probably go on missions holding hands, while she sat in her apartment waiting to get kicked out of the village or tossed in jail or forced to marry someone. "I… I haven't told you everything, and you… you haven't told me everything. But that doesn't mean I don't trust you, and that you're not a friend." She bit her lower lip, and though it scared her to do so, though she was nervous, and afraid to touch other people, especially men, she held her hand out to him. She opened her hand, and turned it palm up, for him to take in his. He sighed, and a few hollow seconds passed. She shut her eyes- he wasn't going to take her hand. So then, his goodbye was permanent. She regretted not telling him; she should've, but couldn't. And still couldn't. If she told him what happened a year and a half ago, and he looked at her the way the people in her village looked at her, her heart would fall apart. She lowered her head, defeated, shattering, and dropped her hand to her side. Then another sigh, and then he took her hand, and held it. She opened her eyes and looked at him- his eyes were tired, and hollow.

He sat down, and she sat down beside him. "We haven't been very good friends to each other. I'm sorry. I apologize."

"We haven't. I'm sorry, too."

"Are you ok?"

"No, I'm not." Her voice nearly cracked. Truth caught it in her throat and nearly broke it in half. "You?"

"No. I'm not." He missed his father so much, and he missed Asuma so much, and…

There were so many things wrong in her life, and in her heart- so many things she hadn't told him. "Do you… want to end us? End this? Permanently?"

"No. There aren't many people I admire and respect, and there are even fewer I consider friends, and fewer still I actually trust, but…"

"Stop cutting yourself off. Finish it."

He swallowed. "But if I'm not classed as a criminal for working with Naruto and Sasuke, then I will be because of my clan. My only option, for myself, is to leave- that or kill my whole damn clan, or spend years fighting them. I meant what I said to Ash. And I don't know where that leaves you. Our lives will diverge away from each other, more than they already have."

"I can't stay in the Suna much longer," she said, her voice low, and sad. "There are no options for the Kazekage's daughter, except to give birth to a Kazekage. I refuse. I have refused. So… I might not be far behind you."

He held her hand, and sighed, and she held his hand, and sighed. Embers burned low, casting an orange glow on their feet, and the snow around them.

"Why didn't you tell me about your clan?" she asked.

"Because I didn't think you would care, and because if you did, you would certainly be disappointed in any solutions I've thought of. Why didn't you tell me about the arranged marriages?"

"Because I was… embarrassed."

"The old Temari I remember would not be embarrassed about something like that."

"The old Shikamaru I remember valued my opinion enough that he would've asked for help, or advice, with his clan."

They both sighed again. "So where do we go from here?" he asked, looking at the dying fire.

She looked at their hands- together. The last time they had held hands was over two years ago. "I would like to be more than a piddly-ass friend, and I would like to go with you, and help you. I would like to follow you to wherever you're going, so… so that I have your address, and can still write to you. Then I'll leave you alone, and go my own way, if that's what you want."

"You're more than that."

"Then why try so hard to get rid of me?"

"Because I care about you and don't want you to get hurt. Because I don't want to cost you years of hard work. I don't want to see you become a criminal, I don't want you to get attacked, and hurt, I don't… I… I just want to move on with my life, and know you're happy, and safe. I want to forget about you and move on, because I know you would be disappointed in me as some stupid metal worker, or wind chime maker, and I can tell you don't want to be close to me."

She caught her tears before they found her eyes, and held them down, with both hands. "I care about you, too," she said, and looked at him. Her voice was cracking; the glass jar behind her eyes that held the tears in place was cracking. He reached up to wipe her cheek and she jerked her head back. He looked down at his feet.

She felt horrible, and the jar cracked- it was a reaction, not an intention. "I'm sorry. I'm… Please… please try again."

He looked at her a moment- the tears on her cheeks, and in her eyes, and reached up, and wiped tears away, and she didn't recoil, and he could tell- she was fighting more tears, and she was fighting her body, which was trying to pull back.

"You're right- the old me… would be disappointed. But I'm not… the old me anymore, and neither are you."

They sat in silence, the morning dark and quiet and cold. Temari wiped her other cheek, and looked at their hands again. Shikamaru nudged dirt and snow into the fire, putting it out.

"Can I trust you?" she asked. She sniffled.

"Yes. You can trust me."

"I need to hear you say it. I need to trust you won't hurt me, or abandon me, or sell me out."

He looked at her. Why in the world would he do any of those, and why was she worried about that? "Temari- you can trust me. I won't hurt you, and I won't abandon you, and I would never sell you out. Why are you worried about that?"

She sniffled and swallowed. "I… I was hurt pretty bad a year ago- year and a half. It's… it's what has made me afraid to be close, and… it's the real reason I jerked away during the war. It's not you, and you're not repulsive. I'm sorry."

"What happened?'

She shook her head, and looked down. "Can I… can I please wait to tell you?"

He nodded. He had things he should probably tell her as well, but didn't think now was the right time. But now he felt bad- he had been carrying resentment around when really, it might not be him. He wondered how badly she had been hurt, and studied her face, and frowned.

She stood. "Well then, let's get going, I guess. I've slowed you down enough." She wiped the rest of her tears away, and cleared her throat.

"You sure about-"

"Yes, Shik, I'm sure. I figured out most of what is going on. You can fill me in on the rest. Let's work together until you're done helping Naruto- I owe him quite a few favors anyway, then let's work together to leave our villages, if you still want to do that. But I have a few conditions- if we're working and travelling together..."

He looked down at her, but didn't respond.

She looked up at him. "Shik, we work together, as equals. And you can't use your shadow paralysis jutsu on me. And you're not allowed to say goodbye again, or write that word. Erase that word from your memory. If you're done with me, you find a different way to say it. Understand?"

He sighed, a long, heavy, tired sound. He kicked embers with his foot. She had hurt herself to catch up with him. She was holding his hand, despite recoiling from him. Thinking about it, he couldn't imagine her in an arranged marriage- for one, he couldn't imagine her as a wife, and for two, she was clearly either afraid of men, or physical contact in general, which would make being a wife all the more challenging. Don't abandon me or sell me out? What had happened to her, he wondered? Was her going with him her way of simply accepting the least unattractive option? That didn't taste very good in his mouth. He wished they were close like they used to be. He wished he knew what was going on, so he could help her, and he wished she cared enough about him to want to help him with his problems. But life doesn't always give us what we want. He brought her hand up, and put the back of it against his forehead, and shut his eyes, and felt the warmth of her hand, warmth spreading out from the center of his forehead. He remembered- every person they passed in the Wind had looked down their nose at her. Why? She was a kind, strong, talented woman. Why would the village treat her that way? He looked at the back of her hand for a second- the pale skin and veins beneath, and did the same to her- holding her hand he took his and put the back of it against her forehead- she backed away, so he stopped, and left his hand in place, and cautiously she moved her head forward, and touched his hand, and left her forehead like that. "I accept your conditions," he said. "But I want you to know, if we're travelling together, and if we're friends, and if we're trying to be more than piddly friends, even if we do nothing more than share addresses and go our separate ways, then we need to talk, and be honest with each other."

She nodded. "I know. I agree. And the first thing you need to talk honestly about is what's going on. What are you helping Naruto with?"

It was a long walk to Amegakure.

Naruto and Hinata had spent three days in Amagakure, and were pleased with their progress. Disguising themselves as bums- Hinata blind, and him missing an arm, worked very well, and they had slowly walked around the city, street by street, Naruto asking questions posed as directions, and Hinata using her Byakugan to peer through her eye wrappings into buildings. Naruto made a show of being one-armed, and so far no one had suspected them of being anything more than bums. They had managed to find one of the ninja that had attacked Temari; he had a family in a small apartment on the fifth floor of a building on the north side of the city and took the morning shift guarding one of the gates. No sign of the other two. They had found many of the buildings that would house books: libraries, archives, police buildings, but none actually seemed likely. They had broken into the library the second night and pilfered what maps and reports they could find, but none appeared very valuable. They had even found a sanctuary in the corner of the city built in memory of Yahiko, Konan and Nagato. They broke into that the third day, and searched the place thoroughly, finding nothing of use. And each evening they made a map of everything they found. They had also discovered that all the Rain ninja carrying pieces of the God Tree went north out of the city, across a bridge, and then split into three different directions. One night Naruto carried her to the bridge, and further north along the road, and then west, and fifteen miles on a dark, black, snowy dirt path through the woods they found bodies- a mass grave, with over a hundred bodies. Emaciated, starved- they looked like mummies of men in women who had come from death camps. There were both stone headbands, and rain headbands.

They decided to stick with the city, instead of going further north, and worked their slow bumming way towards the center, towards the Kage's estate- a large, 60-story, highly-guarded building. Naruto stood on the sidewalk, Hinata with her arm around his waist, holding the hem of his dingy coat as she sat on a box, shaking a tin for change as people passed them on the street. He smiled warmly as money was dropped in. "Thank you, and Merry Christmas," he said to each of them. Hinata grinned everytime. Was it truly this easy?

Her eyes were wrapped in bandages and cloth, and she had carefully scanned the building floor by floor, room by room, off and on all day. It helped her byakugan greatly that he was giving her chakra at a nearly constant rate. And finally, with a gasp, she clutched his arm, "I found them!"

"What? Really?" He looked around- no one was close enough to hear.

"They're on the 43rd floor, in a…in a small room. There are boxes labeled Yahiko, Konan, and Nagato. There are… there are old books in one of the boxes." She was excited. She had spent so much effort looking for these to prove herself useful. Her eyes were starting to ache, but she kept looking.

"Great job," he said. A group of ninja walked past, looking directly at them. Two in the group approached them. "Merry Christmas," he said, and took her by the wrist and held out the tin, which was in her hand.

One of the ninja dropped some change in. "It might be best if you didn't do this so close to the Kage's office," he said, gruffly.

"Which one is his office?" Naruto asked, looking surprised.

"The big one, and it's a her, not a him."

"Thank you," Naruto called out behind him. "We'll move along, and Merry Christmas."

Hinata was still looking up, though to any random person she would simply look like a blind woman holding her head up at an odd angle. Naruto watched as a few other people passed, looking from them to the office, then his heart froze- coming out of the Kage's building, with two ninja in white cloaks, was Dedara, an Akatsuki member, who was supposed to be dead.

"Hinata, stop looking!" he whispered, urgently.

"I've almost got the path in," she said, mapping out the route.

There was no time. Dedara would recognize him, or he would suspect her, and that would be that. Naruto turned, grabbed her face, and kissed her, deeply, and pulled her long black hair over his short blonde hair, then put his hand at the base of her neck and pulled her closer.

Hinata felt his hand on her face, then his mouth, then his tongue, then his hand on her neck, then- He's… kissing me. She flushed, and her heart also froze, though for a different reason than his. Then she melted. His tongue touched hers, tasting her, running across her teeth, his lips against hers, taking her breath, and she kissed back, exploring his mouth with her tongue. His hand slipped from her neck down to her stomach, under her coat, inside her shirt; she moved her hands to his chest, then shoulders, feeling his muscles. They forgot to breath and all their senses converged into taste, and touch.

Dedara and the ninja looked over, "Take it somewhere else you fucking vagrants," he shouted, and continued past them.

Naruto kept kissing, he heard something in the distance, but he had Hinata's tongue, and breath, and body, and did not want to let her go. He had been addicted to her smell- lilacs, springtime, distant rain- but now knew he would forever be addicted to her taste, which was like a mix of ripe figs and riper cherries. Her lips were so soft, her breath warm, and her tongue firm, and soft, and kept eluding his, and he chased it, and it felt like he was sinking everytime he caught it.

Hinata was in heaven. She had never been kissed before, not like this. Their tongues intertwined, much like their bodies had been every morning they had woken up together. She kissed him, then ran from him with her tongue and he chased, and she kissed him, then pushed their mouths together tighter, tighter, until their teeth touched. She was melting into him. She still could not figure out how they both ended up naked each night. Naruto hadn't given it much thought, but she had. The night after it first happened she had snuck and completely extinguished the fire in the kiln, and she had woken up naked, again pressed against him, in the frigid air. The next night she had suggested neither sleep in the bed. Neither had, but it didn't matter- they woke up in each other's arms, this time Naruto first to wake up, holding her warm, naked body against his. Last night she had put one log on the fire, and after he fell asleep, she crawled out of bed and made a spot for herself in the bathroom, and shut and locked the bathroom door. Same as before, when she woke, she was naked, as was he, and they were wrapped together in bed. It truly felt to her as if some force, like a god of sorts, was pushing them together, which was fine, but she wished this god would forego the stripping of pajamas first.

And now this kiss. His tongue was forceful, but gentle, and she yielded to him, wanting him to kiss her deeper, and longer, wanting the ground to turn to mattress, wanting him to lay her back and kiss her and touch her. He bit her tongue, and held it a second- not hard, then bit her lower lip, and it felt like she might pass out. To Hinata, this was definitely the best mission she had ever been on. The eerie city, the constant snow, the cold, the dirty streets, the filthy clothes and ice cold baths, the occasional insults hurled at them for being bums- nothing could dampen this experience.

He broke the kiss; a line of saliva ran from his lip to her tongue. They rested their faces together, breathing heavy. Though he had used this kiss to hide them from Dedara, he enjoyed every second of it. It was his first real kiss also, and he intended to get everything out of it he could. He leaned back into her and kissed her again, just as forceful as before, and for just as long; he moved his hand to her back, up her back, and pulled her close, and again, when he broke it, beads of saliva stretched between their lips. He started to pull back, but she wanted more- she grabbed his neck and pulled him forward and nearly banged their teeth together, then kissed him; she chased his tongue, and turned their heads just so, and pulled their mouths closer together so that now neither could breathe, and could only kiss. Another twenty seconds of passionate kissing and they broke, out of breath and dizzy. Lines of saliva connected their mouths, and tongues. They had to steady themselves a moment- steady their hearts and hands and breathing. They were both light-headed and swimming upside down.

"Na… Na… Naruto," she said, blindfolded. "You… you… you kissed me."

"You kissed me too," he answered, then put his finger to her full lips. "We need to go. Let's continue this when we get back to our shop." He helped her to her feet. The streets were starting to get crowded as people got off work. "Are your eyes ok?"

Continue this? What could be better than continuing this? Petting combined with continuing this? Sleeping naked together while continuing this? She blushed furiously, and looked down, not paying any attention. What was he asking? He poked her side, and asked again- "…They're a little tired. But-" She was wobbly- her head was spinning, and her heart racing, and she grabbed him and kissed him again, knocking their foreheads together.

They broke again, and he smiled, and swallowed. They would never make it to their shop at this rate. He grabbed their pack, and slung it over his shoulder, and scooped her up in his arm. "Can you find us the fastest way out of this city? Not in that direction." He pointed with his stump of a right arm.

She looked as she wrapped her arms around him. "Behind us," she said, motioning down a back alley. He broke cobwebs and kicked garbage aside as he carried her down alleys and narrow streets. He walked fast while she kept a lookout. On the way out of the city he used some of the change they had collected to buy steak and rice. Hinata scolded him for skipping the vegetables, so he also bought mustard greens, which smelled hideous. He still had plenty of money left over, and was surprised that begging on the street made him more money than some ninja missions. Just another problem with the Leaf.

It took over an hour, but they eventually made it back to their blacksmith's shop.