Chapter 18

Only a day ago, Anthony had been on top of the world. He and Kate were so compatible on so many levels, and never in a million years would he have thought he would be miserable on his honeymoon.

And yet here he was.

He did not know why exactly he felt so miserable. It was certainly not Kate's fault – her courses were of no issue to him, even though she insisted upon sleeping in a separate bed from him until they were over, in case she bled on the sheets. Anthony wanted to insist that sleeping in the same bed as her did not bother him in the slightest, but she was adamant, and he did not want to force her to do something she was not comfortable with.

So, for the past couple nights, Anthony lay alone in his bed, unable to fall asleep as he tossed and turned for hours on end. He had never realized how big this bed actually was, or perhaps he had just gotten used to sleeping with Kate beside him. Even the reminder that she was only a few rooms away wasn't so much a comfort to him as it was torture, and he ended up just staring at the ceiling all night long, his thoughts constantly drifting to her and making him feel anxious and on edge.

These sleepless nights did nothing but exacerbate his feelings of anxiety and worry regarding his wife. Truly, he did not know how to muddle through what he was feeling toward her anymore, and that thought scared the hell out of him. He had always been attracted to her, of course, but it was more than that: he found her vexing and intelligent, kind and funny, and the most excellent Viscountess he could have ever hoped for…

And he was afraid he had fallen in love with her.

God, what was wrong with him? He had specifically set out to find a bride this season that he would not fall in love with. That had been the plan when he wanted to marry Miss Edwina – but after fate had intervened, and he ended up marrying her sister instead, he foolishly thought he could just carry on with his plan to not fall in love with his wife.

He thought he could ignore the fact that Kate was different. That she had always been different.

He had tried to fight his feelings for her for so long, but it was almost inevitable it would come to this point. Ever since she had been stung by that bee in the gardens of Aubrey Hall, and she had placed her hands on him in an effort to calm him, he had been unable to deny his inexplicable draw to her. And his feelings had only gotten stronger since.

Just as Kate had told him all those weeks ago, one cannot 'logic' oneself out of love. He ought to have seen this coming.

But that was the thing, though, wasn't it? If he had allowed himself to develop these feelings for Kate, surely he could allow those feelings to go away? People fell out of love all the time – surely it would not be such a difficult endeavor? Perhaps he could try spending a little less time with her, and that way his feelings would eventually come to be less intense, a little more bearable…

Anthony hated this plan.

He sighed as he rolled over in his large empty bed, squeezing his eyes shut. It was going to be a very long night.

~/~

For the next few days, Anthony made a point of spending most of his time in his study under the pretense of having to oversee his estate ledgers. Kate came and visited him several times in his study, but Anthony tried to keep a bit of a distance between them. It was difficult, though, having her so close – she was so beautiful, so tantalizing, and yet he couldn't allow himself to be with her in the way he so wanted to be. It was like torture.

And Kate obviously saw the way Anthony was distancing himself from her. He could see her trying to hide the hurt in her eyes whenever she left his study, and Anthony had to fight everything in him not to go after her, to grovel at her feet and tell her how he really felt about her. He was living in hell because of it.

He didn't know how much longer he could keep doing this.

A week had passed now, and Anthony knew that Kate's courses were likely finished at this point. However, she had not said anything to him, nor had she returned to their bed. That was likely due to the cold distance he had put between the two of them – she was punishing him, no doubt about it.

Anthony was currently working in his study this morning (as he often did lately) when there was a light knock on the door. He glanced up to see Kate enter the room, wearing her favorite dark blue riding habit and spencer. Anthony swallowed as he looked at her, his heart pounding in his chest.

She is so beautiful

"Good morning, Anthony," Kate said. She glanced over the estate ledgers he was currently working on. "Are you going to be busy again today?"

"Most likely," Anthony said, grimacing as he turned back to the books he was writing in. He hated himself for being so dismissive of her.

"Well, it is a beautiful day out," Kate went on, glancing out toward the window. "I was hoping to go out for a ride around the grounds this morning. Perhaps you would like to join me?"

Anthony blinked up at her: she was not smiling, though her eyes hid a rather vulnerable look as she glanced over at him. She was making an effort to spend time with him, despite how dismissive he had been toward her in the past few days. He did not deserve her kindness, and Anthony suddenly felt guilt fill his chest.

What's the harm in one horse ride?

"I would be delighted to join you," Anthony said, giving her a small smile. "Let me just finish up this ledger, and I shall meet you downstairs momentarily."

Kate gazed at him for a moment, some sort of emotion lingering in her eyes, before she nodded at him. "Very well."

And without another word, she turned around and left, leaving Anthony alone.

~/~

Anthony had to take an extra few minutes on his final ledger, which had refused to add up correctly for some reason, but now he was finally done. He changed into his riding boots, and he grabbed his tophat and coat before making his way out into the stables.

Kate was waiting there, standing beside Marlow, and on her other side was Anthony's favorite horse, Jack. Both of them were already saddled up and ready to go.

"Is Ferguson in the stables today?" Anthony asked, smiling as he walked over to pet Jack's dark mane. Ferguson, the Bridgerton stablemaster, was the only other person who knew how to saddle Jack just the way Anthony liked it.

"No, he is at home with his family today," Kate said, pulling on her riding gloves. "I saddled the horses."

Anthony looked over at her in surprise, but she avoided his gaze as she moved over to Marlow's side, taking his reins and leading him outside. Marlow nickered, bucking his head slightly, before following her lead.

"Thank you," Anthony called after her. She stopped before glancing over her shoulder at him.

"You're welcome," she said quietly, her face inscrutable, before continuing her way outside.

Anthony stared after her for a moment before turning back toward Jack. Kate had never saddled his horse for him (he would never ask her to do such a menial task for him), and yet she had done it for him. His saddle was adjusted perfectly: she had paid enough attention to how Anthony liked to ride that she had been able to saddle Jack exactly how he liked it. She had done that for him in an act of pure thoughtfulness.

Anthony realized at that moment that his wife must truly love him.

She loves me.

Sudden emotion filled inside Anthony's chest, and he took a deep breath before taking Jack's reins and leading him out of the stables. He had a sudden urge to see his wife.

"Kate?" he called out once he was outside, glancing around for her. She wasn't in his immediate vicinity, but he saw her and Marlow cantering down a nearby path toward the gardens. She clearly still felt too uncomfortable to face Anthony, and he grimaced to himself, knowing that that was his own fault. If he hadn't been acting so cold toward her lately, he wouldn't be in this predicament right now. He quickly mounted Jack and began going after her.

Anthony tried moving a bit faster so he would catch up with her, but truthfully, he did not know what he would say once he was near her. Should he apologize? Thank her again for saddling Jack? Or perhaps he should throw all caution to the wind and confess that he loved her too?

Lord, why does this have to be so difficult?

Kate was over twenty yards ahead of Anthony as she trotted through the gardens toward the woods. This was the area, Anthony realized with some amount of surprise, where Kate had been stung by that bee several months ago. He wondered vaguely if Kate knew that too.

It was a warm and sunny day out today, and Anthony did notice several critters around the garden, including many insects flying about. A lot of these were bees, and Anthony couldn't help but feel a bit nervous about that fact as they continued their canter through the gardens.

After a few moments, Marlow and Kate seemed to slow down a bit, and Marlow moved from side to side in an odd manner, shaking his mane. Anthony frowned, not knowing what was going on, but after a moment, the horse suddenly reared back. Kate shouted out in surprise as she grasped his reins, trying to stay in the saddle.

Anthony watched in horror as Kate was suddenly bucked off, and she cried out as she landed on the ground with a nasty thump.

"KATE!" Anthony yelled out, immediately leaping off of Jack and running toward her. Marlow was still in distress, and it looked for one terrifying moment he was going to trample on Kate, but thankfully, he moved the other way and galloped full-tilt toward the woods.

"Kate!" Anthony fell to his knees beside her, giving her body a frantic onceover. "Kate, are you alright?"

"Yes, I think so," Kate groaned, pushing herself up on her elbows. "I think I sprained my ankle."

"Well, try not to move too much," Anthony wrapped his arm around Kate's back and helped her gingerly sit up. "There we are. What on earth happened to Marlow?"

"He was startled," Kate said, grimacing as she glanced over toward the garden. "By a bee, I think."

Anthony stared at her. "What?"

"There were insects flying around the flowerbed here, and a bee flew toward his nose," Kate explained. "I believe it might have stung him. I saw it there for just a moment before Marlow began to panic and I was thrown off."

Anthony could only sit there and absorb that information for several moments before he let out a disbelieving laugh. He continued to laugh as he lowered his head, his shoulders shaking with mirth, and Kate stared at him.

"Is this funny to you?" she asked, sounding almost angry. "I might not be able to walk for weeks!"

"It was a bee," Anthony said, shaking his head as he looked back up at her, still laughing. "A bloody bee…"

Kate softened slightly, and after a moment she smiled, chuckling a bit too. "I suppose those insects are turning out to be quite the nuisance, aren't they?" she asked ironically.

"Indeed," Anthony smiled, his chuckles fading into a smile as he gazed at his wife. And suddenly, despite her lying on the ground with a sprained ankle, he felt perfectly at peace with the world. "I love you, Kate."

Kate froze, staring at him as if she could hardly believe what she had heard. "What?"

"I am sorry that it took me so long to realize it," Anthony said, staring deep into her eyes. He knew how important it was for her to hear this. "I thought I could live my life without love, Kate, and that was why I had tried to deny my feelings for you for so long. And I was a fool for thinking I could convince myself I would be happier without you – I fell in love with you, and my life has never been better or more fulfilled. I am sorry for keeping such a distance between us for the past few days, but I was trying to grapple with my feelings for you. It was the most foolish thing I could have possibly done, because I am so deeply in love with you, Kate, I could not separate myself from you even if I tried."

Kate's eyes had filled with tears as she listened to him, and she gave him a wobbly smile. "Well, you have bloody good timing," she remarked, glancing down at her ankle. Anthony laughed. "I thought you had put a distance between us because I had done something wrong. That's why I didn't say anything."

"You did nothing wrong, Kate," Anthony insisted, reaching a hand up to cup her face, brushing a thumb along her cheek. "It was all my fault, and my stupid pride. Please forgive me."

"I suppose I could," Kate gazed into his eyes, and a moment later she lunged toward him, kissing him full on the lips. Anthony immediately kissed her back, smiling against her.

"…And I love you too, by the way," she pulled away after several moments, gazing fondly into his eyes as she smiled. "You ridiculous, stubborn man."

Anthony smiled back, feeling happier than he had ever felt before in his life. "I know."

And they kissed again.

A/N: Yay! It's about time these crazy kids admitted their feelings for each other

The next chapter is the epilogue! Hope to see you all there :)