There were many things I expected out of my life, death, destruction, mayhem, but living in a disgustingly sweet domestic arrangement wasn't one of them. It was a sheer contrast to the other part of my life. I wondered if it had been the same for my parents, living as drug barons and being parents. I assume they were better at the former than the latter considering how much money and neuroses I had inherited, but who knew, Jean Baptiste could have just been a genius with his management of their estate. During the day I worked on restoring the neighborhood, fixing up the mission, and gathering all that we needed. As word spread, more were coming forward inquiring about joining up. After all, when you lived like they did, someone offering pay with full benefits and future housing was too good to be true– but the Saints would provide all that they promised, it was just getting it going that would take time. Soon I would have a small army on my hands and eventually this city would be mine. After that, who knew? Perhaps I'd take the world. One should always dream big, non?

Speaking of dreaming big, my heart had dreams I had never planned on. When I woke from my coma, vengeance and control had been the only things on my mind, cold logic and icy fire but now it was warming every morning I woke with Aisha in my arms. Since I had basically moved in with them, I had been the one in her bed six nights a week. Every night we would eat dinner together, each of us taking turns cooking, Johnny was a surprisingly good cook, albeit heavy handed on the spices. I, of course, was the best.

No business would be allowed to be discussed unless someone called in from the gang while we watched TV together. Some nights Johnny would hog the sofa, his head on her lap as she stroked his hair and his legs heavy on mine, other nights Eesh would cuddle between us. I wasn't comfortable enough to do the same to either of them. When bedtime came, Johnny would meet the definition of puppy dog eyes and look longingly at her until he dramatically sulked off to the guest room while I cuddled with her.

Then every morning she and I shared a shower, she helped me with temperamental hair since I refused to go without washing it daily. I knew it was supposedly bad for my hair type to be washed this often but the feel of my unwashed hair was disgusting, so she helped me fix the damage. With Eesh's help, I was slowly but surely abandoning my casual thot look for a more mature business hoe look, a careful balance of appropriate and risqué. What I was planning needed people to take me seriously without needing me breaking their legs but I still needed to be me and I liked showing off. While I had always been good at makeup, she was a genius and made me feel less self conscious about my nose.

After dressing, she'd get breakfast together. Always something healthy but just sweet enough to make the day start right. She'd even be sweet enough to make my coffee for me. It would be somewhere around this time that Johnny would finally wander in, finally finished with his own routine that somehow was longer than ours. I could always tell when he was finally fully awake as that's when the pouting and snark would start.

"I want you with Shaundi today, she's supposed to be getting us a chemist and I don't trust her not to lose track of reality trying out product," I informed Johnny as soon as he had a mouthful of waffles as I knew it would keep him from making crude jokes. "We'll need to start moving on the drug market soon for some better cash flow which will tie into taking over the protection rackets we'll take from the Ronin."

"Where we at on the Brotherhood?"

"Carlos has set up a meeting between Maero and I over at the caverns, if they're willing to bend the knee so to speak, they could potentially be allowed to stay."

"Yeah I doubt it. From talk in the clink, Maero is more likely to try to get you on your knees." I grimaced, I hated dealing with men like that. I'd probably just stab Maero. "Can you pick me up one of those geodes while you're there? I love those things."

"What have I told you two? No business talk at the table." Eesh glared at both of us.

"Ah but ma petite sirène, we must talk about business or we'll be distracted by your beauty."

"What she said," Johnny said with a mouthful of waffles.

"You could at least attempt to be romantic," she slapped his arm before stealing one of his strawberries coated with maple syrup. He had nerve to talk about my fondness for sweets. His waffles were practically swimming in syrup.

"Hey if I attempt to be romantic, we'll be fucking and right now Ang is the one finger banging you."

"I am not finger banging Eesh," I huffed, "maple syrup and lady bits mix for a bad time," I somehow managed with a straight face but couldn't help the blush.

"Haven't figured out how you doing that yet with those claws of yours, you damage my girl and I'll return the favor." I still had my colorful nails, not as long as they used to be but long enough they would be uncomfortable in sensitive areas, they were good for a backup weapon in close quarters and one I wouldn't give up, even for another's fun. We had figured out alternative methods so I didn't have to.

"Ah but what if she asks for damage? Am I not to provide it?" I knew better than to engage him in this field, he was better at it than me, and I was far too worried at damaging this new thing we had going on. It felt fragile, something I would break, like I always did.

"No fighting you two," Eesh chided. "I expect proper decorum during meal times."

"I'm the very model of proper, unlike Pirate King Ang, I'm banished to the guest room, which you know usually guests get the point when they overstay." Ah there was the pouting.

"Do they? Fortunate then that I've never seen the inside of that room, non?" I teased, deciding to ignore the remark on my eye. Eesh and I had a bet going as to how long until he realized the eye patch wasn't a fashion accessory.

"You could at least let me watch," he sulked. Deciding to poke the beast some more as the temptation was far too great, I motioned Eesh over and pulled her into my lap. Johnny stared at us as he had at his cooking breakfast. Starving. I wasn't sure which of us he craved more as I made a show of kissing her neck, my hands moving down her body to cup her generous breasts. Her head fell back to rest in my shoulder, giving me better access. I spread her legs with mine as I gently raked my nails up her thighs making her squeak, which was just down right adorable. I pulled her flowing skirt up showing her off to him.

"I bet you'd love nothing more than for me to spread her like this," I showed him what I meant, her legs pressing against mine in a weak attempt to stop me, "and hold her open for you to play with, wouldn't you, Johnny? Would you like that Eesh?" I purred against her ear, her fingers dug into my thighs as she trembled against me. "Would you like me to do this while he played?" I asked as I gently teased her clit moving my hand away as she tried to press closer, her soft pleas music to my ears. Johnny stood and moved the table from between us, his hands frantically going to his belt. Before he could get his zipper down, I stood abruptly dumping her off my lap. "Oh look at that, time for work," I said cheerfully.

"You are going to pay for this," Eesh growled as she glared at both of us.

"I didn't do it, it was all her!" He pled. I grinned and blew her a kiss as I grabbed his arm and ducked a thrown waffle.

"Come Johnny, we have work to do." I almost lost myself to laughter at the look of horror on his face. My laughter died as we got outside. "Oh Johnny thank you," I said, giving him a quick hug and doing my best to ignore his excitement before running over to my baby. There she was in all her glory, royal purple paint, the rims looked shiny and new, and the inside was clean. My wonderful little hatchback that Dex had helped me with, and the drain of so many paydays to fix up to my standards. On the driver's seat was an envelope with my name on it.

"I didn't have anything to do with this. I hate this tiny shit." Oh how he did. Since only my seat was modified to go back further, his knees ended up against his chest every time he had to ride along.

"Then who?" I trailed off as I opened the envelope inside were my keys and a letter. I didn't bother reading it as soon as I saw Troy's chicken scratch, instead balling it up and tossing it in the back. Johnny just stood there, arms crossed judging me.

"You back to fucking Troy, are you?"

"What? No! I hate him."

"You love Troy as much as I love myself," he said with that smile of his.

"I don't love him!"

"Then I guess I don't love me." I glared at him, not bothering to argue with him. "I get it. He's a nice no ass having piece of ass, just don't get hurt again."

"I'm not in love or fucking him!"

"Oh you're just not fucking yet." My hands ached with the need to wipe that shit eating grin off his face. "We both know you're going to end up back in bed with him, and the sooner you do, the sooner you get out of my girl's bed."

"I am not going to fuck Troy!" My face was probably as red as my hair, whether it was embarrassment or anger even I wasn't sure.

"Yet," he said with a snapping of his fingers along with finger guns. I just glared at him as he got into his viper. "Yet!" He hollered as he pulled out of the driveway. I had just opened my door when he reversed back to the drive way to yet again yell like an idiot, "yet!" before peeling off. Perhaps I should run him off the road? Break the viper and make him carpool as a punishment? It would be a rather good test of Baby's limits. Yes, perhaps I would.

xxx

Very few men were taller than me, so it was always annoying to have to look up, fortunately due to my heels, the height difference wasn't as great as it could have been. I knew his type, hell I was his type, trying to use his height to intimidate me to no effect. While my crowding was always seductive and deadly, he was more like a bull in the closet, deadly yes, but more annoying than anything. But he seemed to be smarter than a bull despite appearances as he had chosen a room far into the caverns away from the tourists and security albeit a small one to better emphasize his size. I had to fight to resist the urge to touch the ceiling with its sparkling rocks. Probably was asbestos, knowing this city.

"Carlos, you didn't tell me that Maero was un comédien." Poor tiny Carlos stood off to the side looking very uncomfortable, this wasn't how it was supposed to go judging by his reaction. While things had started off calm, it quickly took a turn into the insulting as Maero had no respect for the Saints. Non, for me. "Honestly, 80/20, you are quite mad. How did you see this going? Me thanking you?"

"Yeah, on your hands and fucking knees." The way he growled it and puffed himself up more almost made me lose my composure. "You're a has-been with some burn scars and a fucked up eye," he said while rudely eye fucking me all the while ignoring my patchless eye. Oh, I knew how awful it looked. Honestly like I was supposed to be impressed? It was more amusing that a big tough man couldn't look at it. "You really think that a couple washed up bangers like you and Gat have a chance against the Brotherhood?"

"Tell me my dear sweet Maero," I purred as I reached up a hand to stroke his cheek, "were you born this stupid or is it natural?" The confusion on his face was delicious, the combination of my actions and tone was distracting him enough to give me the chance to sink my switchblade into his side. I rocked back on my heels as his meaty fist collided with my face. "Keep the knife, think of it as a bonus," I said as I flicked away the blood on my lip. I could vaguely hear Carlos yelling as we exchanged blows but I was focused on the big man in front of me. Dread hit me as I realized that I still wasn't back up to par, even with the knife in his side, Maero was still stronger than me. His strength really hit me, not with his fist, but when the motherfucker grabbed my leg when I kicked the blade still in him and tossed me across the fucking room. The room spun as I hit the wall, I hoped the crack I heard was the wall and nothing inside.

"Freeze! Put your hands up!" Two cops had their guns out and pointed at Maero.

"Get up, get up," Carlos had an iron grip on my arm, "yo he assaulted my mom," he said to the cop, the combination of his tone and his hair free of his beanie making him seem closer to a tween than a gangbanger.

"Quoi the fuck Carlos?" I whispered as I clambered to my feet with his help.

"Get you and your mom out of here," one of the cops yelled at we quickly skedaddled out of the room as Maero threw a bench at the cops. Sounds of gunfire echoed through the caverns causing people to stampede, the two of us managed to get out without get trampled on. Unlike most people, Carlos could comfortably sit in the front seat as I sped away.

"Why the hell would you say I'm your mom?" I finally asked.

"No offense Boss, no one's going to believe me climbing that mountain," he said as he pulled his hair back into a bun and hiding it under his beanie.

"Thanks?"

"No problem."

xxx

"The chief's office is in the back, non?" I asked the officer stationed at the front desk.

"You can't go back there," was the only reply I got as I brushed past the double doors. They stared as I marched back there, surprisingly no one tried to stop me. I didn't know if they knew who I was as some of them skittered out of my path but it was enjoyable nonetheless. Walk as if you plan to murder someone my sister had always told me. I had never managed to pull it off before, perhaps it was the combination of my clothing and eye patch or the fact for once I may follow through with it.

"Amant garçon," I cooed after I slammed the door closed, apparently startling him awake judging from his askew hat and squinted eyes. "I appreciate the return of my property, however I don't appreciate you having your men trailing me. or did you have the audacity to yet again bug my stuff?"

He looked at me in confusion, the look on his face was almost genuine enough to make me believe he had no idea what I was talking about.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Was it not you who returned my car?"

"I mean, I knew about the car. I figured that's what you were talking about. I know how much you love that ugly tiny piece of shit. Figured you would appreciate having your car back instead of having to steal Johnny's every two minutes, considering the two of you are trying to out psycho each other on the road all the time." He had his good old boy smile on his face, almost as if we were back at the church just joking around. I never wanted to punch him more than I did at this moment. How dare he act like everything was okay. As if he knew any of us. As if he wasn't the biggest fucking liar in the city. Somehow I managed to keep my emotions off my face, at least I thought I did considering the fact that Troy did not look like he was in danger at the moment, but then again he was never great for self-awareness.

"So the police at the caverns was just a coincidence?" I asked as I leaned against the door.

"I should have guessed that was you," he muttered. "It's a tourist spot, money makers like that always have a few unis standing by. Are you okay?"

"Like you care," I scoffed. I saw hurt in his eyes before he managed to shut it down. I wondered if he saw the glee in mine before I managed to do the same. I shouldn't feel so good about that look, it bothered me that it made me feel good, and it pissed me off that it bothered me. He got up and walked over to the coffee machine on the sideboard not saying a word while he made coffee. Two of us could play that game. I wandered over to the encased statue in the corner. A cop over a broken body handing a purse to a horrified woman. It was gauche.

"Coffee," he said. He didn't wait for me to take it but plunked it down on top of the statue before taking his seat again. "Smart move with the casino, would have gotten away with it quiet if Johnny didn't fuck up." I kept my back to him, biting my tongue to keep me from defending Johnny as it had been my fault things had fallen apart. I had to do something about my hair until the other gangs were gone. Perhaps a fishtail bun with french braids or perhaps dutch would be better with my hair so long? I needed a style I could hide easier. Perhaps I should just cut it all again? I contemplated hair while taking a sip of the coffee. "Got to say, your version of laundering is unique, you got a long term plan or something I should know about." As he blathered on, my rage was slowly filling me. How dare he remember how I liked my coffee. It was perfect. How dare he be so unbothered when he had hurt me so badly.

"Chief, do you need backup yet?" Someone using a bullhorn yelled through the door. He turned an adorable shade of red. Infuriating shade. No, not adorable.

"Get rid of them," I snapped. Yet. Johnny's taunting rang in my ears. I hadn't come here to fuck Troy, perhaps just to fuck with him, definetly to hurt him but instead like always, I was the one hurting and emotional.

"Get back to work, you crumb bums," he yelled before slamming the door. I could feel him staring after he closed the door. The silence grew between us. I watched the vague reflection of him in the case as he tried to approach several times before stopping. It was almost funny, part of me wanted to laugh at his inability to cope with this. What schemes was he forming this time? I knew he wanted my money, perhaps even my body, but he didn't want me, he didn't love me. Gods, that burned worse than the coffee. No one ever wanted me, they wanted what I had.

"I missed you," he finally broke the silence. I waited for him to continue. I was glad I didn't hold my breath. I finished the coffee, no matter how mad I was I would never waste a good drink and put my mug down on the case hoping it would stain the gauche shit.

"No more lies Troy," I said as I turned.

"Angel, I swear I'm not- wait what are you doing?" Whatever he had planned on saying came to a halt as he watched me hike up my skirt so I could pull off my panties and ball them up. I grabbed him by his tie, which surprisingly wasn't clip on, and shoved them in his mouth.

"If you won't shut your mouth, I'll do it for you," I informed him as I pushed him backwards into his chair and straddled him. "You miss what I did for you. You miss me taking care of you. You miss my cooking." I reached between us as I talked and undid his belt. "You miss fucking me," I said as I pulled down his zipper. To absolutely no one's surprise he was ready for use. I put my hand over his mouth to keep him from pulling out the makeshift gag as I sank down on him. "But you don't miss me and if you dare try and claim you love me, I'll cut it off," I punctuated each word with my movements, he only groaned against my hand, his own going to cup my ass to urge me on. No matter how conflicted my emotions were over him, at least this was honest. After a few minutes that frantic need hit me, I pulled my panties out of his mouth, and pushed my shirt up to expose myself more, before pulling his head down to make him use his mouth for something useful. He kept one hand on my ass while the other slipped between us to stroke me while his lips worked their magic on my tits. Years may have passed between the last time but he still knew what to do and soon I was grasping for hair that wasn't there anymore, having to settle on grabbing his shoulders as I came. I clung to him as he stood suddenly, my back hitting his desk as he changed positions.

"Ow, ow, ow, get off!" I hissed one hand pushing me off the desk while the other pushed him away.

"Shit, are you okay?" He gently pulled me to a sitting position, his hands ever so gently moving over my back, one spot making me bite my lip to keep from crying. "Your rib feels broken," he said as he started to fix my clothes. "Let me get the doc."

"Troy?"

"Let me do this,"

"Troy," I said more sternly.

"What?" He snapped.

"Your dick is out." That brilliant shade of red returned as he fixed his clothes. Once he left I went to sit on the sofa needing a soft seat now that the post coital bliss was wearing off and everything hurt. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. I could feel my eyes burning and my throat tighten as the urge to cry was starting to hit. Today had just gone downhill too fast. I was weak in far too many ways. I didn't want to burden Eesh nor Johnny, I needed them to think I was okay. Jean Baptiste would just treat me like a child and go about trying to fix things without my permission, his fatherly ways were a little too stifling for me to take to trust. I was surrounded by people who cared and yet alone. Story of my life, non?

By time Troy returned with the doctor in tow, I had managed to stop my sniveling and returned to my unbothered appearance. Silence between Troy and I grew as he sat at his desk smoking and doing paperwork as the doctor examined me. Even when the doctor stepped out to retrieve the portable x-ray machine he didn't say anything. After almost two hours, the doctor proclaimed my rib was merely cracked and not broken and gave me a lecture on the necessity of rest and taking care of myself. I merely slipped him my card and asked how well he was paid and told him to call if he wanted better benefits. That finally got a rise out of Troy as he slammed down his pen and glared at us, causing the doctor to hurry out of the room. He continued to glare at me even after the door closed, making my smile widen. I crooked my finger and after a moment he got up and stood in front of me.

"Ang, Angel," he said softly as he ran a hand over, not through, his hair. I reached up and grabbed his tie again, my hand on his shoulder guiding him, slowly pulling him down until he was on his knees in front of me.

"I like you on your knees like this."

"As what, chief of police or your man?" I drew him closer so I could gently kiss him.

"You're just a piece of ass, amant garçon," I said against his lips. His hands went to mine on his tie to keep from tightening it anymore than I already did, I wrapped my legs around him, keeping from getting to his feet. Unlike Maero, Troy wasn't strong, if anything he had let himself go soft behind that desk, I could so easily squeeze the life out of him right here, right now. "What the fuck is wrong with you? This isn't middle school!" I pushed him away from me hard enough he landed on his ass as I cradled my sore breast. Just when I was having a gleeful revelation, he ruined it with a titty twister of all things.

"What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you, you were choking me." His flailing gestures accompanying his words almost forced a smile out.

"C'est n'importe quoi," I said with a shrug. I didn't know exactly what I had planned if he hadn't stopped me. "Do you want to finish fucking or am I leaving?"

"We need to talk." Absolutely not. I knew if I started talking with him I would forgive him, let him back in my heart, and completely derail my plans.

"We can talk but know if we do, once I walk out that door, it will be the last time this ever happens, last time you see this," I said as I leaned back and spread my legs like a harlot.

"Is that what you want Ang? For me to treat you like some cheap whore?" He stood over me, glaring so fiercely. He backed up when I raised my hand to grab his tie, I gave him a look and after a moment he let me grab it and slowly pull him back down. I didn't squeeze him as tightly nor attempt to choke him again. "This is all you want? Nothing else?" The anger in his voice thrilled me.

"It's more honest, is it not? Besides, I'm not a cheap whore, I'm an affordable slut," I teased.

"Then suck my dick like the slut you are," he snapped. I raised a brow at him. I knew he wanted me to balk, to protest and proclaim my feelings. Instead I let go of his tie as I sat up, pushing him back to his feet and worked on his pants. "Ang-" Whatever he was going to say was lost as I took him in my mouth. I stared up at him as I ran my tongue over him, the conflict on his face was beautiful. I loved it when he looked tortured, I had missed it.

"Is there something you wanted to say?" I asked when I drew him out of my mouth, he opened his mouth only to snap it closed when I circled his tip with my tongue. His hand hesitantly went to the back of my head but soon enough he was fisting my hair attempting to control me.

"Desk," he rasped using my hair to pull me to my feet as he ushered me over to it and bent me over. He used my hair to hold me in place as he fucked me and I knew there would be bruises on my thighs later. "Holy shit," he gasped once he could breathe when he finished. He was over me but not on me, keeping himself propped up on his elbows so as to not hurt my ribs.

"Off you oaf," I said as I elbowed him in the stomach.

"So much for cuddling I guess," he grumbled.

"Sluts rarely stay for those," I said as I faced him. Now that his brain had blood flowing back to it, he looked ashamed and wouldn't look in my eyes. I couldn't help but gloat as I cleaned myself up. "That was nice. I'd say I'll call you but we both know that's a lie. Oh and I'll send you a bill for the sti test since you're so free with your dick."

"What the fuck Ang?" His indignity was almost comedical with him standing there half dressed.

"Come now, amant garçon, we both know you were never one to be honest, so why should I trust you're clean about anything? Or are you telling me you were faithful while you begged for my hand in marriage?" He looked away from me, the guilt clear in his eyes. I bit my lip to keep from asking who it had been. I didn't think I had any more heart left for him to break and had only wanted to hurt him with a wild accusation, the fool that I was for not realizing it would be true. "Nique ta mère putain," I snapped as I punched him in the solar plexus. He went down like a bag of bricks clutching his chest wheezing for air, giving me me the opportunity to kick him in the kidney with as much strength as I could muster. My ribs hurt from the exertion, not my heart, not from him. With my head held up high I left with as much dignity as I could muster.

xxx

"Where you've been?"

"Fucking Troy, hence the need for a shower," I quipped as dully as possible as I continued to dry my hair. While the mission wasn't complete, the builders had already gotten my office and adjoining suite done complete with a bathroom the size of my first apartment. I hadn't wanted to go all the way back to Eesh and Johnny's place as I hadn't wanted to talk to either of them but of course he just had to be here and carrying a canvas as large as himself. It was all black, but completely uneven shading and in places it looked like the paint had clumped in layers.

"I'd need one too with that shit on his face, getting a blowjob from him would look like a documentary on caterpillars," he said with a shudder as he looked around the room. "Keep your secrets, just don't give me imagery that I'll have to see a therapist over."

"What is that?" I asked desperate for a change of subject.

"I laundered some money," he said with a grin, "it's a Rothko."

"You laundered money? What do you think I've been doing?"

"Art is the way you're supposed to do it, not that lame shit, and look at it, it's perfect."

"It's not even painted evenly, look at it, it's lumpy." He skittered back from me when I tried to touch his shit art."

"Nah, Ang, it's a legit Rothko, this guy was a major player in abstract expressionism, these pieces have layers to 'em."

"Unevenly painted layers," I stressed.

"And it's not just black," he continued. Annoyingly. "He used different layers of shades and tones to make a color field that's almost alive when you look at it. there's a depth to the piece you can really get into if you study it for a while. Plus, this was gonna be part of his Chapel gallery installation, but it got cut for space. I figured it'd be kinda poetic and shit," the passion in his voice as he gazed at the ugly shit was the only thing that kept me from launching into a rant.

"How much did you spend on this shit?"

"Three," he mumbled the rest.

"Three what?" He mumbled the reply again as he picked it up and started to hurry out of the room. "Get back here and tell me how much I paid for that ugly shit before I slap it under a stripper pole and add some glitter to it!" I yelled as I chased after him.

"You wouldn't dare," he shouted at me from behind his locked office door.

"Oh I would not only dare, I'd install it where you'd have to see it every day."

"So the pole in the prætorium?" I was glad he couldn't see my confusion as I looked back through the door to the office.

"What pole?"

"The one in the table." The meeting table was massive, easily sitting twenty people, the middle was graced with a fleur de lis and a support beam that ran to the ceiling.

"That's a support beam." Johnny cracked the door and looked at me.

"Seriously? A support beam?" I glared at him, embarrassed at my idiocy.

"Then it's going under there if you don't tell me how much it was!" I had to grab the wall at the amount and take deep breaths before I screamed at him in ways that would completely wreck our friendship. Instead I explained yet again the way I was laundering money. Construction like what was being done on the mission was a great way, too much effort for the IRS to validate every purchase, as was angel investing and soon the casino would be next. Oh the ronins would not be happy when they found themselves evicted as they were merely renting the building. Perhaps it would be more fun to undercut their profits via rent until they realized, I'd have to run it past the accountants. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose as I saw the look on his face was similar to mine when he attempted to explain the new computer system to me. Some things we weren't meant to grasp as it would lead to madness. "Just don't buy shit with Saints' money, do it with your own."

"Can I keep it?" He sounded like a child asking about a hideous kitten they found in the sewer.

"It'll come out of your pay and you can explain to Eesh." He looked down at the canvas, his eyes misty.

"I'll see if I can return it."

xxx

I had never looked positively forward to the end of the day, it was always a thing of finally this shit is over view. Now it was better. I looked forward to the end of the day, of making food together, of being wedged between the two of them, of just being family. So then why was I trying to sabotage myself with Troy?

"I can't believe I slept with Troy. I don't know what's wrong with me," I sighed as I cuddled Eesh. "I've never slept around this often. It's like I can't stop," I said softly . This was my safe space for the moment before I would enviably destroy it. "I never would have tried this with you before but ever since I woke up I feel like I'm trying to fill a hole and I'm doing it by filling my holes," the laugh I let out wasn't of humor but more desperation. I held her tighter, afraid if I let go just a smidge she would run away like she should.

"There's nothing wrong with you, you're dopamine chasing, that's all," Eesh said as she petted my hair before bringing me back up to look at her. "You're not broken, Ang."

"Then why does it feel like it?"

"Because sometimes feels are dumb," the way she said it made me laugh, a real one.

"I'm sorry for using you," I mumbled against her neck before laying a kiss there.

"Oh honey, trust me, it's my pleasure." She kissed me gently. "You should talk to him, you know. Actually listen to each other." I shook my head.

"No point, after today I'd be surprised if he didn't have me arrested."

"Honey, the only reason he'd have you in cuffs would be for sex. He's still in love with you, that's the only reason I didn't kill him after Johnny stabbed him." She petted my hair and pressed a kiss to my temple. "He watched out for both of you while you two were in prison."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I grumbled. "Can't we just have another go?"

"You're worse than Johnny."

"That's not a no."