Just a post finale's one shot I came up with while on the beach today thinking about M's Europe trip. Hope you enjoy! Set to the song "All This Time" by One Republic.


Six on the second hand

Two New Year's resolutions

And there's just no question

What this man should do


Elliot sat outside late one night after work. He was nursing a beer as he looked up at the dark night sky wondering if he should try calling her again. It was July 23rd and the last time he had seen her was July 4th at an event in Central Park. They'd run into each other unexpectedly. She was with Noah, Amanda, her girls and Carisi, he had been with Maureen, her boys, Kathleen and Eli. His girls had teased him afterwards about how excited he looked, how he had "lit up like a Christmas Tree" when he spotted her from afar, according to Kathleen.

He'd brushed it off, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized they were right. As he sat there he thought about the brief conversation they'd had one on one, wondering if he had missed something and that was why she wasn't answering him.

July 4th Central Park
9:30 pm

"Well…it was nice running into you." Olivia said with a smile as she looked back at Noah standing with Amanda and Carisi, "But…I should get Noah home."

Elliot's heart was racing and he hated to admit it was because he didn't want her to leave. "Yeah. No…it's late." He cleared his throat and looked back at his kids and grandsons, "The twins are asleep anyway…"

Olivia smiled at them, "They're cute…kinda look like Dickie at their age. Probably Eli too."

That probably had cut him like a knife because he realized they'd been gone by the time Eli had been their age. Olivia had been such a big part of his youngest son's life. Hell, she'd helped bring him into this world and then one day, they were just gone. And as the years went by, Elliot had discussed her less and less because the more he did, the more it hurt. So much so that by the time they came back, Olivia Benson was nothing but a stranger to his youngest and it was no one's fault but his own.

"Yeah…yeah they do." He saw her stepping back and before he could stop himself, he reached out and grabbed her wrist, "Hey Liv-"

She tensed, looking down at his hand on her, "El…"

Her breath caught in her throat and he quickly let go, sensing his quick movement had startled her. Something he had noticed a handful of times since he'd been back. "Sorry…I was just wondering if…I could see you?" She narrowed her eyes at him, trying to keep up with and he stuttered, trying to clarify, "I meant…can we…hang out or something? Grab lunch? Dinner? Anything?" He asked with a shrug, "Just…just us?"

She fidgeted slightly where she stood and then looked back at her son, "Um…"

"I mean I keep feeling like we keep trying to make something happen but life, work…it always gets in the way." His hands were moving quickly as he spoke, something he did when he was nervous, "But…I'd like to…to hang out."

He watched her carefully, trying to read her body language. At one time he'd been able to read her better than anyone. He knew all the ins and outs, all the little things that made her her. But now, he felt like a stranger. Felt like he'd missed so much, so many little things that had changed her, hardened her, made her already study protective shell that much harder. And when he really stopped to think about it, part of the reason for that was probably because he had abandoned her just like everyone else. Only it was worse. Because he had been the one that was never supposed to do that.

He took a step towards her in the dark and she just smiled, "I'll call you okay?"

He froze, letting her words wash over him and he nodded, "Yeah…sure."

She heard Noah call out to her and she looked back at him and then at her former partner and best friend, "El…I just…I'll call, okay?"

He smiled softly and whispered, "Course."

She took another two steps back, her summer dress swaying in the wind and she smiled, "Get home safe Detective."

He slid his hands into his pockets and smiled, "You too, Captain."

She offered him a lit brighter smile and turned walking back towards her friends and son. His heart fluttered when he watched her reach for her son, pulling him into her arms. He was so proud of her, for so many reasons. But to see her with her kid, the one thing she'd always wanted in this world, it made him feel prouder than he thought possible. She was a natural, just like he always knew she would be.

He had regrets when it came to Olivia. So many regrets. But one of the biggest was missing out on the beginning of her journey to Motherhood. He regretted not being there for the nights when Noah was sick, when she needed support, the nights she'd been afraid. He regretted it all.

He turned when he felt a hand on his back and tried to smile at his daughter, "Hey. Everyone ready to go?"

Kathleen squeezed his arm, "You okay?"

He looked back again but Olivia was gone and his shoulders slumped, "I'm fine Kathleen. Everything is fine." He squeezed her hand and turned to walk towards the rest of his family, "Come on. Let's-"

"She just…needs some more time Dad." He froze and he turned to look at his daughter again, "She needs more time…to know you're staying this time."

He cleared his throat nervously and nodded, "I know." Holding his hand out to her he smiled, "Come on."

She never called though. He'd waited nearly two weeks before he'd given in and called her. But it had gone to voicemail. The first four times he called, he didn't leave a message. The fifth time he left a quick one just saying he was checking in. Now on the ninth call, he had hung up and tossed the phone to the side beside him. He took a deep long swig of the beer in his hand and rested his head against the chair behind him. God he missed her. He'd spent all the years since he had left missing her. And now that he was back, sometimes it felt like he missed her even more.

"Elliot?" He turned to see his Mother shuffling out into the courtyard, "What are you doing out here? It's hot…"

He smiled and scooted over, "Hey Mama…yeah. It is. Cooling off a bit though. Just…needed some fresh air."

Sitting down beside him, she squeezed his knee, "What's going on with you?"

He looked over at her and frowned, "What do you mean what's going on with me?"

Lifting her hand, she traced the lines on his face, "The light in your eyes…it's growing dimmer by the day Elliot. I'm a Mother. I know these things."

He tried to smile but deep down he knew there was no fooling her, there never was, "I'm fine Mama. I promise. Works just crazy. It's hot out. I'm tired…that's all."

She shook her head and pushed herself up off the chair, "You keep telling yourself that Elliot. But I know you better than that." He watched as she moved towards the back door, "Hey…I've been meaning to ask you…"

His heart thumped in his chest and he somehow knew what she was going to say before she said it, "Yeah? What's up?"

"How is Olivia doing?" And there it was, his heart pounded even harder, "Haven't seen her in a bit. We should have her over for dinner soon."

Elliot smiled and nodded slowly, "We uh…we should. I'll try and give her a call…but…she's…"

"Busy." She said with a little smirk, "Yeah…cops are always busy. And even when they aren't…" She laughed, "They make themselves busy so they don't have to deal with reality. Especially when it comes to feelings…"

He rolled the bottle in his hands back and forth, "Mama…"

She smiled and shook her head, "Goodnight son. I love you."

He sighed and nodded once, "Love you too."

When she was gone, it took him all of thirty seconds before he picked up the phone and dialed her number again.

Hi you've reached Captain Olivia Benson. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

With a heavy sigh, he tossed the phone down and took another swig. Maybe he'd try again tomorrow…


Take all the time lost

All the days that I cost

Take what I took and

Give it back to you


By Tuesday of the following week when he hadn't heard from her he was not only starting to get pissed, but he was also a little worried. He tried to tell himself if something was wrong, someone would have called him, right? I mean they had to. But the more he thought about it…no they didn't. He'd been gone for an entire decade. When they were partners, he had been her emergency contact. He would be the first person they called if anything had happened.

When had she changed that? Had she gotten hurt at one point after and they'd tried to reach him? Had she been sitting there alone with no one to come get her? Surely Fin, Don or John would have been there for her. But it was different. He knew it was. Their partnership had been different. Their friendship was different. There was a trust there that no one else understood and he had abandoned it, thrown it all away because of his own pain, his own fears.

But what if she was sick right now? Or Noah? What if she was hurt? If something had happened at work he felt that being back in the city he would have heard rumblings. Right? Or at the very least Ayanna would have told him. Or maybe she wouldn't. Maybe Olivia asked her not to say anything to him, keep things private. But what about Fin? Yes, he still had bridges to mend there but he had to believe that his old friend and coworker would have at least called if something was wrong. After all, he'd been the one to call and tell him about her ceremony hadn't he?

He felt like he was losing it, sleeping very little, searching news stations and articles for any sign of something he'd missed. He was jumpy and irritable. Something that hadn't gone unnoticed by his kids, his Mom and now his coworkers. He was at the office sitting at his desk trying to fill out some forms. But he'd had to start over at least four times already. This time he misspelled his own name and he growled, "Son of a bitch."

Jet looked up at him anxiously and then shot Ayanna a look for the millionth time today. Everyone else in the office sensed it too. With a heavy sigh, Ayanna pushed herself up off of her desk and walked out into the main part of the office, "Hey, Stabler. Got a minute?"

Elliot looked up at her, then back at his screen, "Why?"

Crossing her arms across her chest she frowned, "I shouldn't have phrased that as a question." He looked back up at her and she pointed to her room, "Get your ass in here Stabler."

Clearing his throat nervously, he slid his chair back and pulled at the buttons on his shirt. He didn't make eye contact with anyone as he walked across the office towards his boss's space. And he hated himself for it, but he wished he had a partner again. How many times had Cragen called him into his office and Olivia had gone with him, even if it wasn't her fight? She'd always had his back. She was the one who believed in him, who stood up for him even when he didn't deserve it.

But these days he was on his own.

Stepping into the room, Lt. Bell shut the door behind them and pointed to the seat across from her desk. He sighed again and moved, knowing that he had no choice. Sitting down, he looked up at her and frowned, "So…who complained this time?"

She walked around her desk, sat down and looked at him, "No one." She paused and gave him a look, "Yet…" She saw him tense up and she frowned, "What the hell is going on Stabler? You're Not yourself. Actually…let me rephrase that. You're acting like the Elliot I first met…frazzled. Off your game."

"Off my game? I'm not off my game. Yesterday I cornered that guy and we-"

"Yes. You got him. But you could have had him the day before and I have several eyewitnesses who said you went off the handle. Practically choked the guy out."

He rolled his eyes, "Since when are we supposed to handle apps with kid gloves?"

"I didn't say wrap them in bubble wrap Elliot, but putting them in the hospital doesn't help our case." She countered.

He rolled his neck back and forth, listening to it crack, "Bell…"

"So I'm gonna ask again…what the hell is going on?" He still didn't answer, "Something with your Mom? Eli? Is he acting out again or-"

"No. No…Eli is fine. Mom's been taking her meds. The family is fine. Everyone is doing good. We're…we're all in a good place." He tapped his thighs nervously. "Everyone's fine."

She still just looked at him, clearly not buying it and he looked down.

"Hey uh…you haven't heard about any shootings lately, have you?"

She laughed softly, "Elliot…this is New York City, there is a shooting every hour of every day."

He smiled sadly, "I meant…any cops…getting hurt or anything? Cops we…both may know?"

And then it clicked.

Leaning back in her seat, "As far as I know…Captain Benson is just fine."

He sighed, leaned forward and ran a hand across his face, "You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure. I mean…" She paused, "Have you called her?"

He laughed sadly, "All I've done is call her…but she's not answering. So I was just…worried."

"Well to be fair, she's busy. Captain of her own Unit and a single Mom. I'm sure…she's just been caught up. Maybe trying to spend time with Noah since he's off for summer."

Licking his lips, he stood up and moved towards the door, "Sure. Yeah. You're right. Listen…I'll figure it out. Get it together. I'm sorry. Maybe I just need some sleep."

"Why don't you head out for the day? The paperwork can wait." He paused near the door, "Maybe swing by the precinct…check in? Might give you some peace of mind?"

He looked back at her and smiled sadly, giving her a slight wave, "Thanks Ayanna. Maybe I will." He started to walk away then turned back to her, remembering he wasn't the only one missing someone these days, "Ayanna…"

She swallowed the lump in her throat, "She hasn't called either. But I sure as hell won't be kept from my son. I'll figure it out."

He squeezed the doorframe, "I know what the strain of our job can do on a marriage. If I can help…if you need someone to talk to."

She smiled, "Thank you Stabler. Goes both ways…"

He nodded once and then walked out of the office, went to his desk, grabbed his phone and keys and left without saying another word. She may kick his ass if he showed up but she wasn't really giving him any other choice.


All this time

We were waiting for each other

All this time

I was waiting for you

We got all these words

Can't waste them on another

So I'm straight in a straight line

Running back to you


He couldn't pretend that walking in here wasn't hard. He had hoped that over time it would get easier but it seemed each time, another ghost, another memory, another regret washed over him. He didn't recognize the place, didn't recognize any of the Detectives. At one point he'd walked in like he owned the place but now he was a stranger. Maybe not even a stranger, but someone that they all looked at with dislike, distrust in their eyes.

Olivia had built a strong team, a team that trusted and wanted to protect her. He had no doubt she'd built a family, a group that would do anything for her. Even making sure her ex-partner stayed far, far away. As he walked further into the room, one of those people stepped up, blocking his path to Olivia's office.

Amanda Rollins.

He didn't know much about her. Just that she had started soon after he had left. Fin had hinted that there had been a bit of a rocky start for her and for Olivia's partner Nick Amaro. He wasn't stupid. He knew that after he had left, things had changed. The world had continued on without him. But even after all this time it was hard to imagine this place like anything other than the way he'd left it.

The petite blonde stood in front of him, arms crossed, stoney face, giving him the impression that she wasn't in the mood to play games today. "Detective Rollins."

She raised an eyebrow and muttered, "Detective Stabler. What are you doing here?"

He chewed on his lip nervously, looked behind her but couldn't tell if anyone was even in Olivia's office, "I uh…got out of work early and wanted to see if Captain Benson was around to grab a coffee or something?"

"Why?" She asked quickly, not giving him time to breathe.

He fidgeted from side to side, "Just…so we could catch up?"

"Ten years is a lot to catch up on over coffee." She muttered.

Her words were like a bullet, hitting him square in the chest. And as much as it hurt, he knew he deserved it, "You're right. It is."

They stood there, staring at each other, not knowing what to say until someone interrupted them, "Stabler. What are you doing here?"

But it wasn't Olivia's voice. Looking up, he saw Fin and he smiled, "Oh…hey. Fin. Uh…hi. Is Olivia around?"

Fin looked at Amanda who was still glaring at Elliot and he had to laugh, "Stand down Rollins." She turned towards him with a huff, "I need you to go with Valesco down to Mercy to interview Aiesha. Call me when you finish."

She sighed, lowered her arms and grabbed her effects on the table, "Will do Lieutenant."

When she was gone, Elliot turned to Fin, suddenly feeling anxious, "Fin what-"

"She's fine." Fin said, putting his hand up to reassure him, "I promise. She's fine. But she's not here." Elliot still looked nervous and he sighed, pointing to her office, "Come here."

Elliot quickly followed, his eyes instinctively scanning the room. He noticed the way he relaxed when he saw her picture. Just the sight of her was soothing. Always had been. Picking up a photo of her and Noah, he smiled down at it. Noah couldn't have been more than three in the photo. "He seems like a great kid…"

Fin nodded, "He is. And he is the best thing that ever happened to Liv. In a lot of ways…" Elliot turned towards him, "He saved her."

Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat and put the photo down, "Fin…where is she?"

He sighed and sat down at Olivia's desk, "Currently she's in France. Last week she was in London. Next week I think they hit Italy."

Elliot's heart beat faster, "What?"

He shrugged, "Last minute decision. She realized she had a lot more vacation time than she thought. Booked the trip and figured since Noah is getting older…it was the best time to go."

Elliot ran a hand over his face, "She's in Europe." Fin nodded, "She went to Europe and didn't think…I mean she didn't want…"

"She didn't tell you. No." He said with a frown, "Like I said…it was a last minute decision."

He cracked his jaw back and forth, "I saw her on July 4th. So when did she leave? I mean she didn't think she should send me a text? Call me and let me know she was alright? I"ve been calling and she hasn't answered and-

"Well…to be fair she is having some issues with her phone since she's been there. I've only spoken to her on the phone once. Other than that, she's emailed a few times. But it seems like she's having a great time."

Elliot laughed angrily, "Well, good for her. Meanwhile I've been over here searching newspapers to see if she got hurt or-"

"Elliot…" Fin said with a warning in his tone.

And that's when it hit him. He grimaced slightly, realizing he had done the same thing. He'd up and left without answering a single call, email, text. For all she knew he was dead somewhere. And in the space of ten years, he could have died. Hell, she could have died and he never would have seen him again.

He held his breath and looked at him, "So what…she's punishing me? Trying to give me a taste of my own medicine?"

Fin shook his head, "No, Elliot. But…I'd bet money on the fact that she's trying to protect herself. Or at the very least…sort through her own feelings."

He looked away from him again, noticing a picture on the wall. Olivia, Fin, Don and John. He should have been in that picture. But he had no one to blame but himself. "Fin…"

"Look…" He sighed and walked towards his old friend, "Olivai is like a sister to me. You know that. She's one of my best friends in this whole world. But you missed a lot Elliot. A hell of a lot. All of this? You coming back?" He sighed, "It's been hard. Really hard for her."

"You're the one that called me and told me to!" Elliot said angrily. "You said it was time."

"Because it was time." Fin said quickly, "And you know it was. How much longer were you gonna wait if I hadn't called?"

Elliot shook his head, "That's not…we're not talking about that right now. I came back."

"Yes. You came back. And since the moment you showed up, she's been there for you. Even though you broke her fucking heart Elliot."

Fin knew his words had cut deep, and he meant them too, "Fin…"

"You can pretend you didn't. But you did. You were her best friend." Fin said quickly, "And I've given you a lot of passes. Quite frankly so has she…but at some point you're gonna have to man up and take responsibility for what you left behind. You're gonna have to face it whether you want to or not."

Elliot stood there quietly for a few minutes, contemplating his word, "Fine. But how am I supposed to do that if she won't answer my calls and is halfway around the world?"

Fin shrugged slowly, "I guess…you wait. Just like she did. And hope…that when she comes back she's ready to let you in."

Eliot swallowed hard, "And if she's not?"

Fin stared at him from behind Olivia's desk. After a moment, he pushed himself up and walked towards him, "Well…then I guess you either walk away and leave her again. Or, you wait until she's ready. No matter how long you need to wait…"

Elliot swallowed hard, "Fin…"

"She needs to know she can trust you again." He said honestly, "Needs to know you aren't going to leave her. And the only way to do that…is stay. Even when you're angry. You stay." He lowered his gaze on her, "Can you do that?"

Elliot watched him for a moment, paused and then turned to walk out of the room without saying another word. Fin sighed, not surprised by his reaction. But he just hoped he'd gotten through to him. And more than that…he hoped that he was right about his instincts.

He believed Elliot would stay. He believed he'd done the right thing asking him to come back. Now…it was up to Elliot to prove it.


I don't know what day it is

I had to check the paper

I don't know the city

But it isn't home


Olivia sat on the little balcony overlooking the beautiful city of Paris. It wasn't her first time here, but it sure was different this time around. He couldn't help but think about Ed being here. She knew it would bring up old memories. But then again, it seemed matter what she did these days, no matter where she went, all she had were memories, ghosts, moments that haunted her day in and day out.

As she stirred the coffee in her hand…she thought back to a few months before. When she'd almost…almost told Elliot about Ed.

I want to know.

Sorry?

About your life. What you've been through. The things I've missed. Seeing anyone?

Seriously? Too awkward?

Little bit. Uh, no thanks. But no, I'm not at the moment.

But you did?

Well, it has been ten years, Elliot.

About how many?

What?

About how many?

Do you want to know my dating history, Detective?

You're being evasive.

There was one who I thought I might actually... But I wasn't ready. And then... and then Ed died.

Liv, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Sighing, she took a sip of her coffee and then pushed it aside. She couldn't be in this place and not think of Ed. Just as she was sure that Elliot would never be able to go to Italy and not think of his wife. In all the time she'd dated Ed, she often wondered what Elliot would think. Hell, there were mornings when she woke up beside the man that she thought: How the hell did I end up here?

But the truth was…she'd ended up there because Elliot had left. Did she love Ed? Yes. She couldn't deny that. Whether she had seen it coming or not…she in a way had fallen in love with Tucker. But it hadn't been the way she loved…

"Mom?"

Turning, she saw her son walking towards her and she smiled, "Hey. You're up."

Noah yawned and sat down at the little table, reaching for one of the pastries on the plate in front of his Mother, "Doesn't seem as hot today."

Olivia shook her head, "No. Seems to be letting up a bit. Want to do some exploring since we're heading out in another day?"

Noah nodded, "Sure. Can we go check out the Opera Bastille?" He said in his best French.

She smiled and ruffled his hair, "Sure can. I know it's been on your list."

Noah nibbled on his pastry before speaking again, "Hey…where in Italy are we going?"

Olivia cleared her throat and said, "Venice."

Noah nodded again, "Not Rome?"

Just the sound of the city's name made her heart ache, "Uh…no. Not this time kiddo. Maybe another day."

Leaning back in his chair Noah whispered, "Isn't that where Elliot lived? Before he came back to New York?" His Mother didn't respond and Noah shrugged, "I thought I heard Uncle Fin say that…"

Olivia reached for her mug again, "It…is. Yes. That's where Elliot and his family lived. Why?"

Noah frowned, "Is that…why you don't want to go to Rome? Because he was there?"

"Sometimes…" She said with a sigh, "I think you'll grow up to be a Detective. You ask a lot of questions…"

Noah laughed, "You're being evasive…"

Olivia looked at him, remembering when Elliot had said the same thing, "That's a big word…"

Noah shrugged, "I uh…heard it somewhere." He paused, "Mom?"

She frowned and reached for him, "Yeah, hon?"

"I like him." He paused and then clarified, "Elliot I mean. Just…in case you weren't sure."

Smiling sadly…she stood up and leaned down to kiss the top of his head, "Come on. Paris awaits. The rest of the world will still be there when we go back…"

As he walked towards the back door, Noah called, "Elliot will be too." She paused, turned towards him, a look of worry in her eyes, "I know he will Mom. I know he will.


But you say I'm lucky

To love something that loves me

But I'm torn as I could be

Wherever I roam, hear me say


At the very last minute, Olivia had switched things up. While they'd seen Venice, she now found herself sitting and watching the rain pelt against the window of the little apartment they were staying at. They'd spent the day walking through the city and everywhere they went, she wondered, did Elliot walk through here? Did he hold Kathy's hand as they went about their day? Did he kiss her here? Did he take her to breakfast in the mornings at this little cafe? Did they laugh? Were they happy?

Did he think of me?

It was the second week in August now and once they headed back, summer would fly by. Noah would be back to school, work would take over her life. And maybe, just maybe she could avoid him again like she'd been trying to do. She finally got her phone working yesterday and she saw that she had many missed calls from Elliot. But they'd stopped over a week ago and she wondered…maybe he'd given up on her just like back then she'd given up on him.

Noah was asleep, they'd had a very busy day and they had to be at the airport early in the morning. She had to give him credit. He hadn't said a word when she mentioned a last minute 24 hour trip through Rome. He never showed a sign of surprise. Never mentioned Elliot's name. Didn't push her. And for that…she was grateful. She knew she needed sleep but she couldn't seem to turn her brain off.

Instead, she reached for her phone. Her fingers hovered over Elliot's name and she knew it would be easy to call. Instead, she kept scrolling and pressed her phone to her ear.

"She lives."

"Hey Fin." She said with a sigh, "Of course I get my phone together just before I leave. Everything's going okay?"

"Same old same old here. Same perps, new day. The cycle always continues. But yes. I've had it all under control."

She smiled to herself and whispered, "Good. I'm glad. And…thank you Fin. Thank you…for holding down the fort while I was gone."

"Any time. I've been trying to get you to take a damn vacation for years. I'm just glad you did it. I can't wait to hear all about it and see pictures. You're in Venice still…right?"

Olivia grimaced slightly, "Actually…took a last minute detour to Rome before we fly out tomorrow."

"Rome? Huh…Looking for something? Someone?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat, "I swear…it feels like the ghost of her is here. I don't know why. I know that sounds crazy. I know it all sounds crazy. But I felt like if I came here…I'd get some guidance. Some answers. But I feel like I'm more lost than ever."

"Olivia…even if you could talk to Kathy, what would you want to hear? You want her permission to finally go after what you want? You want her to tell you it's okay to what…be happy?"

"Honestly? I don't even know anymore. I just want…I want to know. So many things. I want to know why. And if he thought of me. And if…if I'm crazy." She said with a laugh, "Although I think I am. I think this is all crazy. And sometimes I think it would have been better if he never came back at all." She grimaced slightly realizing what she had said, "Fin…I-"

"It's okay. I know. I know it's been a lot and I'm sorry I blindsided you. I just…wanted him to be there that night. The rest of it…I never saw the rest of it coming. Trust me when I say I live with a lot of guilt over that."

"Fin, none of it was your fault. Wheatley would have found them no matter where they went. It was always going to happen. It had nothing to do with you."

"Maybe…but at least it would have eased some of this pain for you. That's not what I wanted. I guess…I just wanted you to get some closure."

Looking out the window, she gazed across the city that Elliot had called home, "You love Phoebe."

"You know I do. What does that have to do with this?"

"If…if she had hurt you. Really hurt you. Do you think you'd be able to find a way to forgive her? Would you want to forgive her?"

"I…think that I can't imagine my life without her. And I don't want to. So yeah…I think I would have found a way to forgive her. If not for her…for myself. Because I love her. Because she is my life. Because…I want to be happy. And you…deserve to be happy Olivia. You…deserve to be happy."

Swallowing the lump in her throat she whispered, "I should get some sleep…we leave early in the morning for the airport.

"Give yourself some time when you come back. But call him…he misses you Liv. And he was worried."

She hated that a little part of her felt happy, that at least he understood what it felt like to worry. At least it hadn't been ten years…


Yeah, all running back to you

All running back to you, yeah

Oh, every time so far

It's just so far

To get back to where you are


It took her two days to reach out to him. She told herself it was partially because of the jetlag, catching up on everything she'd missed and settling in with Noah. But mostly, it had been because she was afraid. She felt a fight brewing. It had been just under the surface. There was no way around it. In all the time they were partners, they often fought, big knock down drag down fights. The kind that only two people who really knew each other, two people who really cared about each other could endure. They'd been tip-toeing around each other, getting to the edge of the issues and then pulling back at the last minute.

But not this time. This time they either had to push forward, really break down the boundaries and sort it out or they had to end this. Whatever this was. A friendship? Or was it more?

I think, that you and Elliott either need to see whether there's more there, or, move on.

Her foot tapped nervously under the table. She hadn't even thought about it really, just slid into the booth. Into their booth and now here she sat waiting for him. Wondering if he would even show up. She had a feeling he would but there was part of her that was afraid of what would happen when he did. That seemed so silly to her. She was Captain of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit and she was afraid to face her old partner.

She'd sent a text, a stupid text really but she was afraid to hear his voice.

I know. I was afraid... if I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to leave.

The text had said something along the lines of, Took a last minute vacation! Didn't have a phone. Sorry. How was your summer? Wanna catch up over coffee?

What she hadn't expected was a response less than a minute later. And now, here she was sitting in the booth. Their booth and when she looked up, he was walking towards her. Even now, over a year later, it felt strange to see him coming towards her. For so long she'd seen the ghost of him all over the city, often tricking herself into believing at times it was really him. But now, now that he was back, sometimes it hurt even more than when he was gone.

He pushed through the glass door, turned right to her and smiled. He smiled that smile that over two decades later still made her knees buckle and she knew that would never change. She was never not going to love Elliot Stabler. So now she had to decide…what the hell she was gonna do about it.

This idealized relationship is hanging over you. Prevents you from true intimacy, Olivia, either with him, or with anyone else. That's what I think.

Standing up from the booth, she kept her hand steadied on the table needing something to keep her grounded. When he got to her, he smiled, and they both awkwardly stood there. Should they hug? Is that what they did now? "Hey…"

His voice sounded strained and he looked tired, she couldn't help but worry. She always did, "Hey…thanks for meeting me."

Elliot nodded slowly, "Sure. Yeah. Of course." He cleared his throat and looked down, "Should…should we sit?"

She moved quickly, "Sure. Yeah. Sit. Please."

They slid into their usual positions, facing each other. And something about it reminded them of all those years at the precinct, sitting across from each other. Working, even in silence. Some days it felt like nothing changed. And others, it felt like everything had.

"So…" Elliot started for them, he looked up at the waitress and smiled as she poured coffee, "Oh. Uh thanks." He looked back over at her, "Europe, huh? How was it?"

She reached for her coffee, took a sip and grimaced, "It was…good." She smirked and put it down, "And I now have full respect and understanding when you say American coffee sucks."

He laughed and nodded slowly, "Yes…it does. I've tried to become accustomed to it…but I sure miss Sant' Eustachio, this little-"

"Cafe in Rome." Olivia cut him off, "Yeah…I went there."

His face fell and he leaned back, "What?"

She sighed and looked down, "Last minute decision…we hit Rome for our last city. And I can see why you loved it so much. It was beautiful…even in the rain."

How many times had he sat at the cafe and hoped she would appear beside him? To know she'd been there, in the same place that he had lived, that he had dreamed of her, made his heart pound harder, "Liv…"

"I'm sorry I didn't call. Or tell you that I was going." She said with a frown, "I should have. Even just a text…but part of me just had to get the hell out of here."

Elliot cleared his throat, "I understand that feeling…"

She was nervous, he could tell. She was picking at the napkin in front of her, "I feel like we've all been so cooped up the last few years and I needed to just go away. Breathe. Be anywhere but here. And Noah had been wanting to go to Paris and I hadn't been there since…since I went with…E-Ed and-"

He raised an eyebrow, "You went with Ed? Your ex?"

"And I have to admit that part of me felt…" She grimaced, "Happy to know that maybe…just maybe you were worrying about me. The way that I worried about you. No matter how selfish that sounds."

He cleared his throat and leaned back, "So it was revenge then? Fin said it wasn't but-"

"Not intentionally. Not at first. But the more I thought about it…yeah maybe in a way it was. I know that's childish." She frowned, "Elliot…do you know how fucking hard it was to not hear from you for ten years? To not know if you were even alive?"

He looked down at his own cup, "I think I learned my lesson in the last few weeks because I haven't slept a wink worrying Liv. So yes."

She felt the tears burning in her eyes, "Ed." He didn't look at her and she shook her head, "You know him. Well…knew him I suppose."

He gave her a look, clearly not understanding what she was saying, "What?"

And then it clicked.

She saw the moment he figured it out, his jaw clicking, "Ed. Ed Tucker? The man you almost married was Ed ratface Tucker?"

She laughed bitterly, "Oh grow up Elliot…"

He leaned across the table, "You…you were sleeping with someone at IAB? The very person that had it out for me for years?"

"He changed." She whispered and he laughed, not believing her, "We all changed. You sure did. Because my partner wouldn't have just up and left me without a word for ten years. So don't try to make me feel guilty for trying to move on with my life."

His hand clenched and unclenched on the table, "Olivia…"

"What did you expect me to do? Sit here and just wait for you? Never let another man in my life because I was so in love with you? You thought I'd sit here while you were off galavanting around Italy with your wife living your best life?"

He shook his head and reached for her, "Liv…"

"Why? Because that's what I did for twelve years while you were here? Going off on dates with men we both knew I didn't give a shit about because the only man I wanted was you?"

Her voice was shaking and tears were streaming down her face, the more she talked the more his heart ached but he knew he couldn't stop her. "Olivia…"

"Because that's exactly what I did Elliot. I smiled. I let those men do whatever they wanted and every time I pretended it was you. And yet…you went home to Kathy. You had a life with Kathy. And even now…" Her hands shook and she looked away from him, "God…I don't know why I thought I could do this. I…I need to go."

The moment she went to get up he reached for her, "No. You don't."

Looking down at his hand wrapped around her wrist she whispered, "You slept with her." He gave her a strange look, "Flutura." He slunk back in his seat, "Angela too?" He shook his head and she frowned, "But…something happened. I know it did."

He closed his eyes tight, "Olivia…I love you."

She smiled sadly, "Yeah. I know." When his eyes snapped open in shock she whispered, "That's why it makes this so hard."

The waitress walked back, "Can I get you anything else?"

Olivia shook her head and handed her a twenty, "No. Thank you. I have to get back to work."

They both knew it was a lie but he didn't say a word as she stepped away from him, out towards the bustling city again without him. He didn't move, just let her words wash over him, let the regret, the pain he'd cause her seep into his bones. And then he thought about what Fin had said. He could give up, or he could keep fighting. And for once in his life…he wanted to keep fighting.


All this time

We were waiting for each other

All this time

I was waiting for you


Noah was with one of his friends and tonight she felt lonely. So damn lonely. She knew he missed his friends while he was gone but she wished tonight of all nights she didn't have to be here alone. He'd called multiple times and each time she'd sent him straight to voicemail despite the fact that it was his voice she wanted to hear above everyone else's. She'd ordered dinner and was waiting for it to be delivered, too tired to even attempt to cook something.

As she nursed her glass of wine, she heard a knock on the door and assumed it was the delivery man. Pushing herself off the couch, she reached for her wallet and walked towards the door. At the last second, she peeked to see who it was. It was her food, but someone else was carrying it. Cursing, she rested her forehead against the door, wondering if she could avoid him, pretend she wasn't home. But his voice came through the thick wood a moment later.

"I know you're in there Benson. And I know that you really want this Dim Sum so open the door."

With a heavy sigh, she yanked it open, reached for the bag and whispered, "I'm not tipping you."

He smiled and shrugged, "That's okay. I gave the delivery guy a hundred dollar bill and he didn't question it. Don't need money…just wanna talk."

She gripped the doorframe, "Didn't we do enough of that earlier?"

He shook his head and whispered, "No. I don't think we did." She just stared at him and he frowned, "You said plenty of what you needed to say but I have something I want to say too. And…if you feel like there is more you need to say you can let me have it. Okay?"

She didn't say anything, instead, stepped aside and allowed him to enter the apartment. He walked in, glanced around and placed the food on the counter. When he turned back to her, he knew they were both thinking about the night he'd shown up, drugged, scared, unsure of where else to go. Unsure of a lot of things, unsure of everything except for his feelings for her.

Clearing his throat, he looked over at her and tried to make light of the situation, "Hey…at least this time we know I'm sober, that's an improvement, right?" She gave him an aggravated look and he smiled sadly, "Sorry…bad joke."

She crossed her arms over her chest, "Elliot…what do you want? Why are you here?"

"Did you like Sant' Eustachio's?" She just stared at him, he smiled and pushed on, "It was my favorite place. But Kathy…she hated it. Took me awhile to figure out why…but then I got it. Slow as usual I was. I sat in the same little spot everyday. Had my Espresso, sometimes I got a sandwich or just a pastry. Sometimes just the coffee. And everyday I sat there and I thought about you."

He paused and looked at her, watched as she sucked in a nervous breath, "Elliot…"

"Sometimes I found myself having these whole conversations in my head with you. Things I wanted to say. Important things. Apologizing for what I'd done. Other days I just told you about a case I was working on. Needing your guidance or your belief in me to keep going. And sometimes…I just remembered. Those were the days I missed you the most."

Olivia swallowed hard, "Why did Kathy hate it?"

He laughed and looked over at her, "Because…the waitress…the one who almost always came to my table…her name was Olivia."

Standing in front of him, she felt like he had knocked her over, sucked all the air from her lungs all at once, "Elliot…"

"And everywhere we went…every woman I saw that was your height…with brown hair…I held my breath and thought…is it her?" He shook his head, "But it never was. And I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I didn't know if I wanted you there…or I needed you to be far away. Safe."

"How was I safer here?" She asked with a sad laugh, "There was plenty of shit that happened here that kept me unsafe Elliot and-"

"Yeah. I know." He gave her a look and somehow she knew that he had discovered exactly what had happened while she was gone, "But I thought you were at least safe from me."

She started breathing hard, felt the incoming panic attack approaching and she reached behind her, but there was nothing to hold her steady, "Elliot…"

He moved quickly, catching her before she could hit the ground. "I got you Liv. I got you."

The dam broke and all the tears she'd been holding in since he came back came flooding out of her like a tidal wave. She didn't know whether to cling to him or push him away, scream, hit him again and again. But her body slumped into him, images of him reading her files, knowing what she'd endured. What that monster had done to her when he was gone. "Elliot…"

"I'm sorry." He breathed into her neck, rocking her back and forth as they knelt on the ground, "Olivia…I'm so fucking sorry. I should have been here. Not just for that. For all of it. But I got scared and I ran and-" She heard him sniffling, clearly crying and she wondered if he'd cried when he'd read it, "I can't take it back. I can't take any of it back. But I'm here…I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I swear to you…I couldn't leave you again if I tried."

Her fingers curled around his biceps and she pressed her cheek into his chest, listening to the steady beating of his heart to keep her grounded, "I missed you. God, I missed you. I hated you…but-but I never stopped lo-"

Her voice broke and he didn't need her to finish, "I never stopped loving you either Liv. Not for a single second." He smoothed her long hair down her back and whispered into her ear, "It will always be you and I."


We got all this love

Can't waste it on another

So I'm straight in a straight line

Running back to you


Sometime later, she found herself waking up in her bed, only she wasn't alone. It took her a moment to understand, to remember, but then she felt his arms lock around her and she knew. He was still here. He hadn't left and he was never going to leave her again. Turning slowly, she looked up at him in the dim light, listened to the sounds of the city below coming through the open window. How many nights had she dreamed of a moment like this? Lying here in her bed wrapped up in his arms? How long had she waited for him to come home, to realize what was in front of him all along?

Reaching a hand out, he brushed back a loose strand of hair and whispered, "I'm glad you got a little sleep."

He'd let her cry, let her yell, let her say everything she needed to say. And afterwards, he'd carried her to her bedroom. She'd been too exhausted to fight it when he said she needed rest. But when he went to leave the room to let her change, she'd asked him to stay. Knowing that they'd crossed enough lines tonight, enough boundaries and they might as well jump that hurdle too. He didn't say anything as she took her shirt off, baring her scars to him.

But she saw the sadness.

She'd often assumed he'd turn away, grimace, give her a look to make her feel ashamed. It's what other men had done before. But not Elliot. He'd stood there, taken it all in. And then he'd walked across the room again, held her face in his hands and said, "I love you Olivia Benson. I will always love you. Okay?"

He still loved her, despite her scars, despite her trauma, he was here and he loved her. And while it may always hurt that he left, may always be something that they argued about from time to time, she had to decide if she was ready to move forward. And here in hush arms, she knew she was. There was no turning back. She didn't want to be friends for now. She wanted this, right here.

She wanted him.

"Elliot?" He twirled her hair on his finger, letting her take the time she needed to process her words, "I love you."

He stopped, and his blue eyes met her brown ones. To actually hear her say the words set something off inside of him that had been silent for so long. All these years, and even before he left he wondered if he was even worthy of her love. Whether she realized it or not, to him she was the most amazing woman in the world. A woman who deserved everything and more. He had always wanted to be that man, but he'd been afraid that he wasn't capable of it.

And that, that was why he had run.

Yet here, in her bed, holding her in his arms, hearing her confess her love for him, he felt like he could do anything. Like he could be the man she needed. Like he always had been that very man. He knew showing her scars to him had been terrifying, and while it had broken his heart, in the end it had only made him love her more. And he knew that no matter how many times she pushed him away, no matter how many times she got scared or tried to end it, he'd always end up right back here where he was always meant to be.

He didn't want anyone else, didn't want to waste another second, another breath, another kiss on anyone but Olivia Benson.

Leaning forward, he kissed her gently and asked, "So…does that mean I can finally take you to dinner then?"

She bit her lip and traced the stubble he'd grown while she was gone, "Depends…are we going as friends or…something more."

He laughed and slowly rolled on top of her, "Liv…I think we both know we were always something more."

Looking up at him, she locked her arms around his neck, "Maybe you're right."

He leaned forward and kissed her again, "So…is that a yes?"

She tapped the back of his neck, "Yes…but I have two conditions. More like requisitions really."

He narrowed his eyes, intrigued by what she would say, "Okay? And what are they?"

She blushed slightly and whispered, "No Italian and no French food." He started to laugh, understanding her meaning, "We find our own place."

He let out a little sigh and held his hand between them, "Deal."

She laughed and shook his hand before rolling him over this time, "So where does that leave us?"

"How about…" He shrugged, "Tacos? I know you like this…extra guac, pico de gallo and a mango margarita just to get you drunk enough where you do that cute laugh where your nose wrinkles up."

She blushed again and smacked his chest, "I don't do that."

And yet, she was doing it now, "Yeah. You do. And I love it." She leaned into him and he smiled, "Just like I love everything about you."

She sighed and curled into his side, "Will you stay tonight?"

He smiled and kissed the top of her head, threading his fingers through her hair, "I'll stay forever Liv."

Wrapping her arms around him she knew the battles ahead would be long and hard. But with her partner by her side, she could handle it all.

After all this time, they were right back where they belonged.


I'm straight in a straight line

Running back to you, yeah

Straight in a straight line

Running back to you