I don't own Twilight, any quotes, but the rest is all me.
17.
Alice's POV
People use the term, "It was a lifetime ago," very lightly now days. They glide by old stone buildings, never noticing the cracks that they bare to the world. Right now, I'm standing outside a cobblestone church on the outskirts of Port Angles. A humble steeple towers over me on the roof, casting its shadow directly in front of mine. Of course the afternoon sun blares in defiance so I cover myself in expensive gloves, sunglasses and a hat to shy away the unwanted attention.
Unlike Carlisle, my family was Catholic.
I take a leap forward, swinging one foot in front of the other and up the stone steps, trying so hard to be brave enough to continue the journey through my past. I want this for so many reasons, so many answers. For so many people...especially Cynthia.
The wooden door creaks open with a soft push and I glance sadly down at the line taunting me at the threshold. I guess when you hear so many horror stories about yourself, you start to believe them.
A gust of wind rushes by, blowing the ends of my short hair, it will never grow long again...but I continue staring at the line. Suddenly a pair of black boots come into view and my eyes follow the path up the jeans - past the buttoned shirt and jacket and into the face of the other half of my moon.
"Mrs. Whitlock, you're not one to keep people waiting." I smile - I love these little moments when it's truly us. When we can be who we really are.
I return the favor. "I apologize Mr. Whitlock." And then I step over the threshold and into the church. The rest of the family is right behind us, coming to help uncover the forgotten memories. This isn't Mississippi but I like to think that God will be pleased all the same that I worked up the courage to step back in his house.
Jasper takes my hand, his hat at his side in an age old sign of respect. "You ready, darlin'?"
No, I want to say but instead reply with a yes.
Alice, follow me!
Gasping, I glance around the shadowy room, darting quickly from Jasper's side and up the carpeted isle. There on the steps in front of me is a roped of area that guards the priest's reverent place of communion and worship, leading the people on in prayer. But the last time I prayed I was in a hospital...and human.
The wooden Jesus watches down on me and I am frozen, my eyes fixed with his.
Alice, mommy says you can't come with us to church anymore, why?
Alice, do you like my dress?
I brought you a flower, I know you can't go outside much...
The curls in my hair you made are so pretty!
And though it burns, although the ripped fabric in my heart leaks out a waterfall of sorrow and ache - making my catch my breath in my throat air that I will never taste or need again, I fall to my knees. There was always so much more than a blank slate of happiness when I shopped with money that I could claim as my own, when before the change I had come from a small house where it didn't grow on trees and I didn't favor the odds of the future because they weren't mine. I remember now, even if they are the littlest echoes coming from a distance of years turned into miles.
I can see her curly raven black hair flying behind her as I chase after her in the field of yellow daffodils. Cynthia, who looked like my mother and I who carried the handsome eyes of my father. They were gray. He would sweep sidewalks and find little odd jobs to keep us above water and even though my mother disapproved on Sundays he would buy each of us an ice cream and a paper for himself.
When my knees hit the carpet something beneath it makes a tiny groan and cracks off a chunk. Maybe Cynthia has been with me all along, spelling out hints and clearing out the winter. An acid filled tear forms discreetly in the corner of my eye - flowing to the gravity below. Jasper's abruptly next to me. "I love you."
He helps me up and I turn to see the stain glass windows reflecting colored beads of water on their surface outside. I glide by everyone - letting them look at and study the stories each tell. It dawns on me that Bella isn't inside with us anymore.
I head to the front door which is standing ajar and glance out in the falling silver. She's dancing in circles on the sidewalk. Soft footsteps sound behind me but I keep watching Bella as her arms reach up to the sky and she spins her world in a pull, laughing for possibly the first time in a long while.
Carlisle speaks up. "I should get a jacket out of the car for her."
Edward stops him, "I'll do it." He walks gradually down the steps as though he's afraid of scaring a small bird away into the sunlight. I keep looking at her, wondering how long the swirl of emotions will last.
"Bella hates anything cold and she's never like the rain either. What's with the sudden obsession she has with it?"Emmett asks, furrowing his brow.
I shrug, not knowing what to say. Instead I watch sullenly as Bella rips the fabric away from Edward and turns away. He tells her he loves her softly and the wind carries it away. I feel as though the same has happened with my prayers. And that's when the next vision comes and everyone clears out of my view.
The pictures make my fists squeeze and I feel Jasper send calm to wash over me. I see Bella screaming and yelling words that mix blood on metal. When it ends, I pant air that I don't need for comfort that can only come from confronting our demons.
Ignoring the rest of them, I walk down to where Edward and Bella face off in the middle of the road. Bella spots me and her eyes narrow in.
"What? Are you here to feed me the same bullshit that he is? Let me guess, Alice. Your leaving was part of the intricate web of fate and you still think that by waving your magic wand everything will be just fine and dandy between everyone."
Edward tries to step forward again but Bella takes another step back. "You're going to get sick standing out here, Bella! Let's just get back inside, please?"
"Funny, you didn't care about leaving me in the middle of the woods the day you dragged me out there to break my heart and spit on it. You didn't care if I caught a cold, you didn't care that there could have been some other threat!" Her voice becomes shriller as she nears hysteria. "I was willing to die to be with you, to be a part of your life!"
I look to Edward as he shakes. "I messed up everything, Bella, I know! I can't...I won't ask you to forgive because I don't deserve it - just-"
"Just what? Toss the past year aside and pretend that everything's great, that it didn't happen and we can go back to that day in the meadow?"
"No-"
"Then what? I'm human, Edward! A disease! A parasite!"
"Don't say that - you're not, whatever that sicko told you, it isn't true!"
A few seconds go by but it seems like hours or days.
"What am I then?" Bella whispers.
"Everything...you're everything."
Again, I swallow and step forward, knowing what's about to come.
"Bella-" I start.
"You know what, Alice? I don't want to hear it - especially coming from someone who forgot her own sister."
And there it is.
My eyes even with hers, tightening and locking on a tree just over her head as I speak, "You're right...of course you're right." This can't be the real Bella speaking, maybe even some of it's from the illness. But as I walk back to Emmett's Jeep, I can't bring myself to care much.
Edward calls out my name and I ignore him, opening the door to the backseat. Jasper hops in behind me and I rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn't say a word, but the silence speaks volumes.
Sitting on the loveseat and leaning against the window, my eyes follow her outside It's been a week since we visited the church. With her stealthy glances my way and the stifled sobs I hear her give off at night, I can tell she's sorry. Still, I stay here.
Fix it, Bella.
I want to know that not all is lost between us, that everything isn't really broken. In the meantime, I sit here waiting. My mind is filled with Sundays and ice cream, it's filled with running through golden fields and laughing at black curls. I think of window shopping for pretty dresses I could never try on.
Edward walks to my side. "Alice," he starts.
"It isn't your job to fix, Edward. She's not as fragile as you make her out to be."
He breathes out a sigh. "That was always my weakness with her."
I nod and Emmett joins us. "What's so hard about wearing a jacket? She hated the rain!"
"She did," we both agree with him.
"So what changed?"
"I'm not sure," Edward replies.
The rest of the family crowds around the window with us, and Jasper murmurs, "The rain is her sanctuary now."
