I don't own Twilight. I don't own any quotes by others, but the rest is me.

18.

Bella's POV

The look on Alice's face plays over and over in my head like a tape that can't be destroyed. It's funny, I would have thought that once I spit more of my anger out, I would somehow feel better. Or at least, less miserable.

It didn't happen that way. It still hasn't. If anything, I feel ten times worse than before...Renee used to warn me to be careful of what I say to people in anger. A hard lesson it is for me to come by apparently. She would have my head if she knew half the things I've said to the Cullens and Charlie. But then I had been just as horrible to her before she died. The memory makes me swallow hard, blinking back tears of shame.

Alice had forgotten me though...she had tossed me aside and abandoned me just as Edward and the rest of them had. Why didn't she stick up for me? Why didn't she fight for her best friend? I was supposed to join them - she was adamant about the future of Edward and I. But after my birthday...nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I think about it hard as I wander aimlessly through the aisles of the bookstore in Port Angles. Turning the corner, I spot a man in a dark suit glaring at me as he speaks into a tiny microphone hooked on his shirt. When I look at him, he smirks darkly.

It's not real...just a figment of your imagination...

I hear a little laugh behind me and whip around to see who's following me - no one. The voice speaks anyway. Isabella...

This is going to make me sick and I can feel the bile rising up my throat and my lungs constricting in my chest with anxiety.

One...two...three...

The room is getting hotter, making my hair mat down in my eyes because of the sweat suddenly on my forehead. I think back to that night when I came looking for the same bookstore - that crawling feeling I had when the men started herding me into a corner and I was prepared to defend myself with some little move Charlie had taught me, the feeling crashes over me and I can feel myself getting dizzy and lost.

Back then I was so oblivious to the dark side of the world, where no light shines except that train that bellows a warning to get out of the way or be flattened and scattered to the wind.

Edward was right in his assumption; I am a kitten pretending to be a tiger.

I need to get out of here, I need to get some fresh air into my system - running to the door, I avoid all the hardened eyes on the back of my neck. I practically skate onto the sidewalk and lean over, grabbing my legs and taking large breaths to calm myself down.

A hand settles on my upper back and I relax when I look through my legs to see Jasper's boots.

"What's the deal with you?" I shake his arm off me as I stand.

"What is it with you people? Can't I be alone for two seconds?"

"No."

"What do you mean, 'no'?" I huff sharply, glaring at him.

"Exactly that -no. Hasn't anyone informed you, Bella, that no means no?" By now he has a small but smug smile on his face. "Look Bella, we all know you're in pain-"

"No, you have no fucking idea, Jasper."

He falls silent for a minute and then glances over at a bench in the corner. "Come, sit with me. There's some stuff you need to hear." He walks swiftly over to the wooden bench and sits, patting the seat next to him. I sigh and march over, sitting and crossing my legs."

"For the record, I do have an idea. I'm an empath - so just imagine all the pain and suffering I feel from you and the rest of the family on top of that every damn day. Hell Bella, I started this whole charade - don't you think I carry just as much guilt as Edward does?"

"What the hell are you talking about, why would you feel guilty?"

He stares at me in utter disbelief. "Bella, you had a birthday party...I crashed it when I tried to eat you instead of the cake."

I can't help it as I start laughing at him.

"You think it's amusing that I almost killed you and took Edward's mate away from him forever?"

Sputtering, I try to halt my thoughts. "I'm sorry, it's just that I forgave you the minute it happened. Look - I wanted to be like you guys back then, and really, there were six other vampires standing right there. Even if you had bitten me, I'm sure someone would have gotten me out of there before things escalated much further."

He runs a hand down his face, sighing heavily. "I'm really starting to grow tired of the lack of communication in this relationship."

"What, yours and mine?" Now I'm confused.

"No, yours and Edward's! But forgive me if being an empath makes me feel like it's mine," he grumbles.

"Oh, and your relationship with Alice is that perfect?" I jeer back.

"Um, yeah. It's not like I wouldn't know if she's annoyed with me. Besides, Alice likes to settle things before they start," he replies calmly.

Silence falls between us for a few minutes again until the conversation has sunk into my head enough and I pipe up. "Edward only feels guilty because -"

Jasper sighs, interrupting me. "Please don't, I know how my family's feeling. And Edward does feel guilty - but not for the reasons you make yourself believe."

"Well then, enlighten me."

"I'm not at liberty to tell you his secrets - you don't want me blurting out yours, do you?" He quirks an eyebrow at me and I sit shocked, my mouth wide.

"You-"

He chuckles, "You have every right to be angry, I know that. But just so you know, it's blinding you and keeping you from getting better." He traces the Cullen crest outline on his wristband with a finger. "You asked me once what got me here - I was hoping that story could be saved for another time but..."

He stares of into the distance, his eyes searching for the right words. He pulls up his arm sleeves suddenly and I see tons of half-moon scars covering his arm. I gasp as he rolls his eyes.

"There are tons of those all over my body."

"Why?"

"It's odd for me to think about how opposite my new life was before I met Alice and the rest of them. I was once closer to the type of vampires you hear about in books, - bloodthirsty, willing, able."

As Jasper launches into his story about being raised in the south and lying about his age to join a very different kind of war, I pull my knees up a little and cover my mouth with my palm. When I picture Jasper with crimson eyes and lack of any care a small chill runs down my spine.

"So wait, you were a Major in the Civil War?" I ask, astounded.

"Yes, Major Jasper Whitlock," Jasper sits up a little straighter. "Could probably have made General too if Maria hadn't sunk her claws in me," he grumbles again a little, sending a smirk my way.

"But you enjoy life with the Cullens now, right? And Alice?"

"Alice is everything to me, I could never regret a life with her in it. But Bella, the battle within was a hard one for me too. It's good to get your anger out but use it and be done with it."

"Esme told me I need to open up more," I admit softly.

"She's right - you have every right to be mad but if you don't try to work past your anger while doing that, then you'll be setting yourself up for more misery and ultimately..."

"What?"

"Ultimately you'll lose yourself," he murmurs.

I think back to that image of the train bellowing down the tracks, trying to force a decision out of me. "What made you get past your inner war, Jasper?"

"Well, I suppose like everyone else, I didn't want to be a monster. But really, it was Alice. When I finally escaped Maria, I found her - well, she found me in a cafe in Philadelphia. 'You've kept me waiting a long time,' she said, and when I took her hand, everything just -"

"Lined up," I finish for him, recalling that day in the biology lab when Edward's glare was both so suffocating and mysterious. A more intense stare that even at first sight, had meant balancing the very world I carried on my fingertips.

Jasper smiles again, "Yeah." We sit here for a while, both staring out at the street and thinking without talking. He tilts his head to the side in a sudden thought, stating, "She makes me laugh."

Honestly, I don't know why but my eyes tear up at that.

The rest of them come out eventually, glancing at Jasper and then me. Alice doesn't - Alice looks in any direction but mine.

Putting my head between my legs, I take another breath of air and pant. I need to get away again but nothing is helping. Jasper and Alice have gone out with Esme to help her pick out some paint. Edward and Rosalie are in the garage working on her latest project. Carlisle is still working.

And then I hear something - a shuffling outside the room.

I slowly make my way over to the door and crack it open just a sliver. "Uh, Emmett?"

Okay look, I..." he rubs the back of his neck, "-someone needs to teach you how to fight the good old human way so...let's go." We both gaze at each other for a long minute.

"Em, I can't fight you, I'm human remember?"

He rolls his eyes. "I'm not that thick - I just thought of something that might help you."

Shrugging, I follow closely behind him as we march down the stairs and into the living room with the huge flat screen TV. Emmett hands me a remote to his Wii and I study it for a minute as he shows me what buttons are for what . It's hard not to stutter as I hold his stare for a minute and then turn to the TV, seeing a cartoon version of him and myself on it. "Em, I'm-"

"I can keep the pace of a sluggish human," he argues, cutting me short, "-if I have to." The boxing game starts and we circle toward the screen. The sight of bugs suddenly stops me though and another small panic attack begins. Emmett freezes.

"We don't have to do this, settle down there, killer."

Isabella...

The chills go down my spine and I drop the remote to the floor. "I can't do this, Emmett, I can't ever be normal."

His eyes soften before he lets out a loud, boisterous laugh. "If you're looking for normal, you're in the wrong house."

"You know what I mean," I reply.

He sighs. "No, I really don't. Bella, you're living with vampires. One is convinced she can see the future; another likes to play psychiatrist and tell me how I'm feeling half the time." I start to laugh with him. "And Edward? Well, he hears just as many voices as you do."

My entire world stops and I just bask in that truth. Edward hears just as many voices as I do...

I shake my head a little, "What?"

"I'm just calling it the way I see it. You spend so much time feeling sorry for yourself thinking that you're alone in your suffering. Yeah, we fucked up - big time. I can't tell you to forgive and forget and I don't want to. But think about this: Rose was...gang raped. Esme's own husband beat her, Jasper's a pretty good listener. Everyone in this house has something to offer you."

He reads my face and sighs again, walking over to the couch and plopping himself down on it - the wood beneath the cushions make a creaking noise.

"Yeah, even Alice and Edward can help you."

"How - by telling me more crap about who I am and what I should want?" I snap.

He annoyingly avoids the question as well as my face. "Maybe you should ask her. She doesn't remember much, but judging from the fact that tons of things have been coming back to her ever since-"

"She's remembering?" I walk over and sit down next to him.

"Jazz wasn't lying when he told you she was in a mental institution," he states quietly. "And Edward, that's a fine line there, but I would think you of all people would have been able to guess that the one person who loved you enough to-"

"Leave? Loved me enough to leave?" My teeth clench.

"Bella, we're arrogant. It comes from years of knowing how superior we were to every creature on the planet - especially humans. But when he met you, Edward changed...it was like...fate or some shit. The guy spent the last century alone so imagine everyone's shock when he met his match in the form of some-"

"Human, yeah I get it. But was I really all that bad?"

"You have to be one of the most complex and complicated females I have ever met. No, see this is what I'm talking about. Humans don't just up and accept everything in stride the way you do. And Edward is a pain in my ass half the time. Why you two don't get it is beyond me." He shakes his head.

"There's nothing to see! You guys are the ones who messed up - you left me for dead!" Standing up, the voices burst...getting ten times louder. Bugs start crawling all over me and the man in the suit stands in the corner. I scream. The unlocked gate releases a shot that the world could hear and I think of Jasper's words about the inner battle and shout - calling out to the heavens and cursing God.

Feeling a hard stone next to me, I pummel it, pounding my fists as hard as they will hit over and over. I kick my legs and finally fight something deep forgotten that's been dragged up all over again.

I think of Esme and Rose and I cry, I think of Emmett and Jasper and rage, I think of Alice and Carlisle and scream. I think of Edward and feel raw...mostly though, I think of me...and I feel everything. When the storm tires, Emmett steps away from me. He glances toward the door and back. "You wanna know something?"

"What?"

"It's time to take those imaginary bastards out. Give me ten minutes."

Of course it only takes him three as he comes heaving down the stairs packing a couple of paint ball guns. He beckons to me and we go outside near the forest. Handing me a rifle, Em tells me how to load and use it and then takes off. I just stare between him and the gun.

"Whatever hallucination you see, shoot it. Whatever voice you hear, pretend I'm the target." With that, he takes off at human speed - me on his tail. The adrenaline surging through my body feels delicious - each time I hit a figment or Emmett, something inside loosens. For once, the illness doesn't own me...I own it.

Ever so slowly, the rose is unwithering.

The night covers the road with a cloak again as we emerge from the darkness and laugh.

"You won't be in trouble with Rose?" I ask.

"Nah." We both look up at the house and back at each other. I start for the door when I hear him call out from behind. "Hey Bella?"

"Yeah?"

He looks to the ground, "Rose told me...well, she told me a few days after you talked to her that she's...well, she's not happy to be a vampire but..." he pauses, looking at me - really looking, " -she would only want to be human again if...I could be human with her."

In this moment, I can see how opposite his situation always has been from mine. Once I would have given up everything to be with Edward. But Emmett would give up his world to see her walk away - knowing that she would be happier human.

The steps it takes me to walk up to him seem like miles but I make it and when I do, I throw my arms around him quick as lightning. He lifts me off the ground, careful not to crush me but still holding tight as he sobs. I realize that this is the first time I have allowed a man to hug me in ages.

The memory will stay with me forever.