The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is off doing something somewhere. I haven't a clue. This fic references another story I did a while back. Just having some fun here.
Requiem For Agent 13
"Okay…" Pam said as she picked up a card. "Come on orange! Come on orange! Mama needs a nice address! Aw man I got red!"
"Red card!" Cheryl cheered out. "I think that's a term my British Football team uses or something. Mostly the referees. I mean they use it a lot. Must be a popular slogan."
Pam, Cheryl, Archer, Lana, Cyril and Krieger were in the break room sitting around one of the tables playing a board game. "Great," Pam groaned as she moved her piece. "Now I'm in rehab."
"Not like you haven't been there before," Archer pointed out.
"This is what I envisioned when I first opened my spy agency," Mallory said sarcastically as she walked up to them. "My employees sitting around playing board games like…Is that Candy Land?"
"Nope," Krieger grinned. "It's something better! A board game I made designed for adults who are kids at heart! And have poor reading skills."
"It's called Drug Land!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Instead of candy, you get drugs! Wonderful drugs!"
"Whacky Weed Woods," Pam pointed out the places. "Cocaine Coast. LSD Drive. Ecstasy Farms. Molly Marshland…"
"I get it!" Mallory groaned. "Is this what this agency been reduced to? An adult day care full of hyperactive overgrown idiots?"
"Well Mallory the phone isn't exactly ringing off the hook," Cyril pointed out. "Wait, we got the phone fixed, didn't we?"
"Yes," Pam nodded.
"And I haven't touched it once!" Cheryl called out cheerfully.
"In other words, nothing different than what you normally do," Mallory glared at her.
"People don't even call for jobs anymore," Lana pointed out. "It's all online nowadays."
"I know!" Mallory snapped. "I've been on GSW more times than a Kardashian on a basketball player dating website! Nothing! All the good spy jobs have been mostly taken by IIA! Leaving us with the crumbs. Meaning courier jobs."
"And since the only person you give them to is Ray…" Lana paused.
"Mostly because nobody else will do them," Archer added.
"You know that's just you right?" Pam looked at Archer.
"Say what you want about Gillette," Mallory shrugged. "But he's done all five courier jobs assigned to him this week and its only Tuesday!"
"Then why isn't Ray here?" Krieger asked.
"He said he had some personal business to attend to this week," Mallory waved. "Honestly as long as he does his courier missions on time, it's worth not having to talk to him. Makes it one less idiot I have to deal with."
"Ray's been taking a lot of time off lately," Cyril realized. "I wonder why?"
"You should wonder who Ray is doing," Mallory waved. "Or trying to get knowing him. Probably lusting after the latest cabana boy on some beach somewhere."
"You really think Ray is spending all his free time at the beach?" Lana asked.
"What else would Ray be doing?" Mallory scoffed. "Working at another office? Like that lazy hillbilly would move his hands for anything but a manicure!"
"Let's circle back to the less homophobic topic of getting work for The Agency," Lana sighed. "What about Cloud Beam?"
"What about them?" Mallory snapped. "That agency is as useless as a scale in Trudy Beekman's house!"
"Why don't you do what you usually do?" Archer quipped. "Make anonymous bomb threats on the phone?"
"I tried that," Mallory sighed. "Even using a burner phone and an untraceable signature, I still get my calls blocked. Apparently, all the phones except ours have a spam blocker."
"Ah for the good old days," Krieger sighed. "When you could make a decent threat using a payphone and a few quarters."
"Or in Ms. Archer's case," Cheryl spoke up. "Some smoke signals from an unregistered campfire."
"I hate to say it, but desperate times call for desperate measures," Mallory sighed. "We're going to have to pull an Agent 13."
Archer blinked. "Wait, how is a series of pulp paperback novels from the 80's going to help us? Are we looking for the lost city of Lemuria?"
"No, Sterling," Mallory explained. "An Agent 13 back in the day was an operation where a fictional assassin was created as a cover. It's not used as much now as it was during the Second World War. I think the last time it was used was in the late 60's. Let's just say there was an accidental shooting of a very prominent world figure and we needed a cover up fast! Thank God there was a half-witted double agent wannabe hiding out in that book depository in Dallas. Or that there was a book depository in Dallas in the first place!"
"Wait, what?" Lana did a double take.
"Don't ask," Mallory sighed.
"I don't think I will," Lana blinked.
"It's simple," Mallory explained. "We create a profile of a fake assassin. Sneak it on GSW. Stage a fake assassination attempt. Then when a bounty for a fake assassin is put on GSW, we get a random mutilated corpse and claim the bounty! Win-Win!"
"Well not for the mutilated corpse," Pam told her.
The following day in Krieger's lab…
Krieger was at the computer while most of The Agency (Minus Ray) were standing behind him. "Ladies and gentlemen…" Krieger began.
"And whatever Pam is," Mallory groaned as she took a drink from a glass.
"I give you our Agent 13!" Krieger put up a face on the screen. "John Stonefield!"
"Stonefield, Stonefield…" Lana did a double take. "OH, HELL NO!"
"Oh. My. God," Pam realized what Krieger had done.
"What? It's not that bad a name," Archer remarked. "I mean it's no Sterling Archer or Randy but…"
"Krieger why the hell did you pick that name?" Cyril shouted. "And that face?"
"He was already in my database of dead guys," Krieger admitted. "And I still have one of his teeth."
"Oh, for the love of…" Pam groaned.
"You just had to save a souvenir, didn't you?" Lana shouted at the same time.
"Not again!" Cyril groaned.
"I don't know why we're yelling!" Cheryl shouted.
"Would someone tell me what's going on?" Mallory asked. She turned to Sterling. "What are they babbling about now?"
"Got me," Archer admitted. "Okay spill it Pam Spade! Who the hell is John Stonefield?"
"He was the guy our toaster killed," Pam explained. "But to be fair he was breaking and entering in the first place."
"Served him right to get mauled by Babou!" Cheryl nodded. "And lost a finger to him."
"Okay," Archer blinked. "If I wasn't confused before…"
Lana decided to come clean. "About four years ago back when we were The Figgis Agency this private detective decided to break into our office to try to find out dirt on us so he could use it for blackmail. He ended up with a broken neck when Milton pushed him down the stairs."
"It was A Bad Day For Stonefield PI," Cheryl told him.
"So basically…" Archer paused. "We're planning on framing a guy who's already dead? And we're responsible for killing him?"
"Pretty much," Pam shrugged.
"And you didn't tell me this why?" Mallory asked.
"We didn't want to bother you," Pam shrugged. "You were already upset that Archer was in a coma."
"Now you know how we feel when you murder someone without telling us!" Cyril snapped.
"Actually, this is a good thing," Mallory told them. "Lucky for us Krieger already had a corpse on hand."
"How is this lucky?" Archer snapped.
"And Krieger doesn't have a corpse!" Cyril corrected. "He has a tooth!"
"Which means he has DNA," Mallory told them. "Krieger you can make a non-living copy of this Stonefield fellow right?"
"Please," Krieger waved. "Who needs to do that now that my bioprinting machine is working perfectly?"
"What the hell is bioprinting?" Mallory asked.
"It's a type of 3D printing that can replicate organs," Krieger explained. "It's cutting edge lifesaving technology whose field is just about to explode."
"Which means…?" Mallory blinked.
Krieger looked at her. "We don't have to chop up a body. We can just print out a few parts. Create a realistic looking explosion that won't destroy them completely…"
"Or if you and Archer need a new liver you don't have to kill a hobo to get one," Pam added.
"Well where's the fun in that?" Cheryl pouted.
"Fine that makes this much easier," Mallory waved. "We can blame Stonefield for murder without a problem. The fact that he once existed means he has actual records which is less work for us. Easy peasy."
"Unless somebody finds him out in the desert and digs his remains up," Cyril pointed out.
"What there was of them," Pam looked at him.
"Please. You'd have better odds finding a needle in a haystack in a field of haystacks than that body in the desert," Krieger waved. "Since I sold most of his organs on the black market the odds of someone finding his remains…"
"Will be one to one if you keep talking like that!" Cyril snapped.
"Hang on," Archer realized something. "You sold Stonefield's organs on the black market? That means his DNA is still out there! And if somehow the authorities get a hold of them…"
"That could bust our scheme wide open!" Cyril finished.
"God damn it Krieger…" Mallory groaned.
"Relax!" Krieger waved. "I sold those organs four years ago. The odds of them existing outside of a body or not rotted away by now are pretty low."
"Uh huh," Archer sighed. "Pam could you do me a solid and check the Internet? Anything in the news about black market body parts or anything like that?"
"Okay," Pam took out her phone. "I don't see anything."
"Wait for it," Archer sighed.
"Oh, come on Sterling," Mallory looked at him. "The odds of a story like that breaking just as Pam is looking at her phone now are…"
"Found it," Pam interrupted. She read the headline. "Black Market Organ Ring Shut Down in Nevada."
"One to one," Archer groaned.
"Technically this was yesterday's news," Pam pointed out. "Apparently the FBI raided this black-market organ ring and found a lot of frozen organs. Some of them have been frozen up to five years."
"Okay but that still doesn't prove…" Krieger pointed out.
"They're doing DNA tests to find out where the bodies came from," Pam went on. "They found a few people already. Including a person of interest that's been missing for about four years from California."
"Still doesn't mean…" Krieger began.
"Even if it isn't it's close enough!" Lana snapped.
"We'd better not chance it Krieger," Archer sighed. "Agent 13 is officially retired!"
"Aw man," Krieger pouted. "So, I can't use his DNA to make more organs to sell on the black market huh?"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Lana shouted. "AND THE ANSWER IS NO, KRIEGER!"
"That was not what I was thinking," Krieger frowned. "Good thing you clarified that."
"At least we figured this out before anybody got killed," Cyril pointed out. "Besides Stonefield that is."
"Yeah about that," Mallory coughed.
"Oh no…" Cyril groaned.
"You killed someone already?" Archer shouted. "Who? And when?"
"A couple of old mob bosses that nobody will miss anymore," Mallory explained. "Funny story, I was at lunch this afternoon at Piccolo's when I saw them. Long story short I managed to take both of them out and their pathetic excuses for bodyguards with barely a whimper by using one of my backup guns. Wiped it clean for prints and discretely threw it in the East River. Then drove the car with their bodies to another part of down and dumped it. What? If I've done that once I've done that a hundred times! Literally."
"How did you know they were…?" Cyril began.
"Well I dated one of them," Mallory admitted. "And I recognized the other one from back in the day."
"You couldn't wait one day until we actually had a decent identity?" Archer snapped. "You've been pretty bloodthirsty lately!"
"Sterling I literally have scores of scores to settle," Mallory snapped. "I'm trying to get as much done as possible. Honestly I think I'm ahead of schedule."
"Of what?" Archer barked. "Your liver giving out?"
"What do we do now?" Lana sighed.
"Nothing," Mallory told her. "I'm just going to have to settle for this only being a minor revenge spree."
"We could still come up with a new assassin identity and use that," Krieger suggested.
"Too late," Pam looked at her phone. "It's already hit the news. Ms. Archer, those two guys you whacked didn't happen to be rival members of different mob families, were they?"
"Well now that you mention it…" Mallory realized.
"Oh great…" Archer groaned.
"Hang on," Pam looked at the phone again. "Apparently the hit is being blamed on a third party. The Moretti Family has been trying to muscle into the other two's territories for about a year now so…"
"So…" Lana paused. "We started a mob war."
Pam looked at her phone again. "The Moretti olive oil warehouse has just been burned to the ground and over ten of their guys are dead…So…Yeah."
"Technically it was Mother who started the mob war," Archer pointed out. "Because she jumped the gun."
"Oh well," Mallory brightened. "I had some unfinished business with the Moretti's too. This is turning out to be a very productive day for me!"
"I don't think that's what the prosecuting attorney will call it!" Cyril snapped.
"I left the coma for this?" Archer groaned as he took a drink.