Hello lovely readers,
I haven't had time to write the sequel to "coming to you" yet, but most of it is already written in my head.
Here I am with a little OS about this episode of season 1 in which Elsie has a date with Joe.
I wrote it a few months ago, I hope you like it.
Thanks to Pixie
A missed opportunity to say things
Elsie had decided to take the night off. It had been a long time since she had taken one, and she felt a mixture of excitement and guilt at leaving the house in the sole care of Mr. Carson.
She was on her way to meet an old acquaintance. She hadn't said who this person was, but before she left she'd dropped in on Charles in his office to make sure she could go out. He had looked up from his wine book to see her and his breath had been taken away. He had even allowed himself to look her up and down, oh, not for long, but she had put on her Sunday clothes, had even fixed her hat and she was wearing perfume and a little make-up, she looked more than lovely and Charles' body had reacted very quickly, while he had felt his heart racing. He had then taken in his grumpy look and told her that he would be perfectly fine without her. She had gone out smiling at him one last time and he had felt a strange emptiness in his heart.
He had waited for her to come back, he hadn't shown up, but he had heard her talking to someone and then she had gone to bed, not even stopping by his pantry to say goodnight.
And when he heard Thomas and his contemptuous tone about Mrs. Hughes and the suitor she had spent the evening with, he couldn't help but leave his pantry and rebuke the footman before going back inside with a bunch of questions on his mind.
Was Thomas telling the truth? Had she gone on a date? If so, how come he hadn't known about it? He knew about the personal letters she received, he didn't know exactly who wrote to her but he knew that she regularly received mail from Scotland, or from Lytham-Ste-Anne, especially for the holidays, and he also knew that she sent some. But this had been going on since she arrived at Downton Abbey and no suitor had come to take her away. If she had really been on a date, who could it be? He reviewed all the men of their age that he knew, but found them all unworthy of her. He was left with the solution of an old acquaintance, a man she had known before him. It seemed to him that he was suddenly breathing less well. His heart tightened almost painfully in his chest. He needed to talk to her, to ask her, to know if she would leave him.
But he didn't dare. In the days that followed, he saw her more often lost in her thoughts and he had seen her holding a little rag doll and caressing it with a little smile on her face. All of this did not tell him anything worthwhile. He didn't like the idea that she was thinking of leaving, of getting away from him. He didn't know why yet, but the thought of not seeing her made him both angry with her and deeply sad, and he tried to explain his feelings by simply telling himself that if she left, he would miss her because they were friends.
oOo
Mrs Hughes had come home happy and feeling young again. It had been a long time since anyone had courted her, even for one evening, since anyone had shown any real interest in her. Joe had asked her how she was, if she was happy. No one asked her anymore. She was as much a part of Downton Abbey as the huge clock in the Great Hall, and no one asks a piece of furniture how it feels.
She'd felt considered, pretty, and even though she'd done absolutely nothing inappropriate she'd allowed herself to throw Joe a few sidelong glances and smiles and she'd blushed when he'd told her she was still as beautiful as she was twenty years ago. She had shaken her head and laughed and called him an idiot. But how she had loved hearing herself say that.
Then when he had popped the question, promising her a happy life by his side if she agreed to marry him, she hadn't known what to say. Seeing Joe again had taken her back almost twenty years, when he had once asked for her hand in marriage and she had turned him down to gain her independence. She had turned down life on the farm to stay in service and she had found her place at Downton Abbey, the former housekeeper had already promised her job when she retired and her growing friendship with Charles, had helped her make her decision. She had turned Joe down, given him one last kiss, one last embrace and she had not seen him again until he wrote to her years later, saying he would be at Downton village and would like to see her again.
She had promised him that she would give serious thought to his proposal and she was doing so, relentlessly. She didn't want to make Joe wait too long, he didn't deserve it. So she thought, what would her life be like if she moved back to the farm? Sure, she knew the work, she was solid, pragmatic, and Joe was a good man.
It would be a marriage of convenience of course, but a marriage nonetheless. Joe was looking for a companion who would help him on the farm, cook for him and warm his bed at night. If she married Joe she would have to perform her marital duty and the idea of him touching her in this way did not appeal to her at all.
There was nothing romantic about his proposal and yet Elsie hesitated. If she accepted it would be her ticket out of this non-story with Charles. She could free herself from him, from this love that continued, even after all these years, to fill her heart and this desire that had not weakened much despite the distance they had established between them. Perhaps it would be a good way to finally heal from him, out of sight out of mind. Yes, but what about her sister? What about her hard-won independence? She had an important position, she was respected, listened to. She knew perfectly well that if she married Joe she would be relegated to the rank of wife, in the kitchen or in the fields. And although she had been ashamed to admit it to herself, she had become accustomed to a certain standard of living, of comfort, of luxury. She had not cooked since she arrived at Downton Abbey and had simply become used to being served. Her clothes were washed, her meals were served, her room and study were washed, the fires in those rooms were lit for her in winter. She had become somewhat gentrified and the prospect frightened her. She wouldn't be able to go back to the farm. And she didn't love Joe, she loved Charles, leaving would tear her heart out, and she wouldn't recover. She hesitated a little longer, but it was young William who finally made her decide to stay. He was a beautiful soul, he needed to toughen up a bit, but he would become a good man and climb the ladder without any problem. He was young, he missed his parents and Thomas was a bit rough on him. So she looked after him, telling him again and again how he belonged with them, how lucky he was to have such a loving family, how she loved to hear him play the piano, how the girl who broke his heart was a fool. And finally he told her what she needed to hear to make up her mind:
"You're a good person, Mrs Hughes, really. I don't know what this house would do without you. "
There, she felt indispensable, she would not leave. She was needed here and she didn't want to go back to the farm, wading in the mud, scrubbing the floors of the house on her hands and knees as she got older. No, she wouldn't go with Joe and she had to tell him as soon as possible. And then she would talk to Charles.
Telling Joe she wouldn't marry him hadn't been as hard as the first time she'd turned him down. They didn't love each other, not in the way that a couple who wanted to marry should love each other at least. So she had no trouble explaining to him that she would not marry him. She had told him that she had become too accustomed to her single life to be a good wife, that she wanted to stay at Downton as long as her employers would let her. Then she had thanked him warmly because to be courted at fifty-one was rare enough, but for a housekeeper it was even rarer and she had been truly flattered.
She had taken his hand, wished him all the happiness in the world and told him that she knew he would find a good wife quickly because he was a good, honest, hard-working man. Then she had turned around and gone back to Downton Abbey, thinking that perhaps she should have chosen a different place than the churchyard to turn poor Joe away.
That evening Charles had knocked on her sitting room door to tell her about some problem, but she had been lost in thought, so he had excused himself, saying he would come back later, but she had wanted to tell him, she needed to find the friend he was to her.
So she had told him everything, and he had listened patiently.
When he had assumed that Joe had become a big, red-faced man and that any desire to leave Downton Abbey would be forgotten, she had smiled and secretly hoped that he might be a little jealous. Then, when she had let herself get emotional, when she had told him that she had changed too much to say yes to him. That part of her really wanted to leave with Joe but that she had been changes by Downton, her job, life, and even though she would never admit to him that Charles had changed her too, he had then asked her if she would stay, and she had thought she saw an ounce of concern in his eyes and that had comforted her a little. He had then found the words that had made her smile again and had assured her that if she had left he would have been affected. And they were interrupted by a hubbub in the kitchen where Elsie was asked to referee.
No really, when would she find the time to leave?
oOo
That same night, when he had found himself in his room, he had stood in front of his full-length mirror, at first fully dressed in his evening livery, in which he recognised he looked good. He stood straight, almost at attention, like all butlers. Then he'd brought his face up to the mirror and seen a few wrinkles that had set in without him noticing, then his gaze had gone to his hair and he'd sighed heavily as he realised how quickly it was greying. Then his cheeks, which were sagging with age, and he had to admit to himself, he was a bit flushed all the same.
Muttering to himself, he stripped down to his underwear and looked at himself again from head to toe, wearing only his boxers and socks. He became aware of the weight he had gained in the last five years, of his shirt that was becoming tighter and tighter, of the hair on his chest that was now all white. His once firm pecs were looser...
You look like an old man!
Today he had really become aware for the first time that Elsie might leave. This time she had turned Joe down because she didn't want a farm life, but if another suitor came and asked her and she said yes, how would he feel about it? He couldn't decide whether he was jealous of Joe or just afraid of the possibility of losing his only friend. She'd confided in him for the first time in years, an eternity even, and he'd felt like taking her hand to comfort her with something other than his words. He had imperceptibly stretched his arm towards her, but had withdrawn before she had noticed. It had been far too long since he had had physical contact with anyone. He didn't know what to do, he didn't dare to get too close for fear of being assailed again by a most unseemly desire. And he held on to it, perfectly well. But then he wondered why his heart still raced when she was near him.
He took one last look at his reflection and sighed. Then he turned away to put on his pyjamas, as he buttoned the top he could only notice how tight the fabric was and it depressed him a little more. Tomorrow he would start to restrict himself on desserts and wine.
FIN
So why this title?
Well, watching the series from the beginning, I realise that there are plenty of moments where they could have confessed their feelings for each other, right?
Have a good weekend and see you soon.