He talks to me while I sleep. I hear his voice begging for my mercy. I know I cannot forgive myself. Forgive me, Bertholdt.
"I wish you could hear me."
Armin found himself alone again. He found himself alone more often than not. The basement had become home to him. The familiar smell of the ash and the cold floor he sat on became a comfort for Armin. Sometimes he wished if he could just lie down and sleep forever. Let the world end without a second thought. He couldn't help but laugh at those thoughts.
"No, maybe it's best that you don't see me like this. What I've become."
Armin could see the blood on his hands. Ever since the events of Marley, the blood of the innocent stained his hands and he couldn't do anything to clean them. Perhaps Bertholdt was right.
"Someone has to be the one to stain their hands with blood."
"Nowadays I look back on the times we used to have and all I see is a hypocrite," Armin said, as he gripped the seashell he held in his hand. "You, Reiner, and Bertholdt. I can't look at you the same anymore. I know what it's like now. To stand over a sea of bodies and smell the blood."
Annie lay motionless in her crystal. Armin didn't know why he came to Annie. Whenever something weighed heavily on his shoulders, he didn't go to Mikasa or Hange or even Captain Levi. He found himself going to Annie. Always Annie. Even though Hitch always teased him about it, he gravitated to the basement. Eren said it was Bertholdt's influence, but Armin couldn't accept that explanation.
"I wonder how you did it. Keep that monotone face all day when inside it must've been turmoil. Nowadays I can hardly have a thought where I don't see them. The children. The bodies," Armin could feel his hands shaking but he continued. He needed to. "They look at me and they think they see Erwin's successor, but I know deep inside that I'm a liar. How can I replace the irreplaceable?
Now no matter how much they tell me to not worry, I feel like I have to do something. I vacillate before every decision I make just thinking, 'what would Erwin do?'
No matter how many people liked to comfort him over the fact, Armin knew he should be dead. Floch was right. Paradis needed a leader who could do what was needed to ensure survival.
"When we visited Marley, I met a blind man. The Marleyans had blinded him as a child for stealing a book. They decided that taking his eyes so he'd never have to read again was a suitable punishment to stop him doing it again. He said that now that he looks back at it, he can only laugh at his foolishness. His desire for knowledge had led to him losing the thing he loved most. The man wasn't angry at all. He told me that being blinded was the best thing to happen to him. No longer does he have to bear witness to the atrocities of this world. The subjugation of his people.
I think this is what has led Eren down the path he's going. To that man, when faced with extinction, any alternative was preferable. To lose the thing you love is a heavy cost, and perhaps for Eren the thing he has lost in all of this is us. That night when the man left, I found myself crying with a single question on my mind. Why do we have to pay for our ancestors' crimes?"
Armin stood up. It was getting late, and he knew it was about time Hitch's shift started. Armin felt his hand reach out to the crystal, touching its rough exterior. He wondered what it was like inside there. Trapped in her own mind, never aware of time moving forward. He pitied her.
Goodbye, Annie.
Authors note:
I had the feeling to write something short and I came up with this. Hope you enjoy.