Author's Note: This chapter is from Clarisse's perspective and is slightly longer than the previous chapter. I strongly recommend listening to 'Mil Pasos' whilst reading this chapter to get a feel for the vocalist, the lyrics and the feelings it evokes as you read this chapter. The last two verses of the song are a 'he sings'/'she sings' repertoire which is why it might sound odd when Joseph says them. The dance they dance here is similar to the 'Wango' danced in PD1 as the tempo is pretty slow. The italicised words are the original SPanish/French lyrics. I took a bit of creative liberty here with regard to Clarisse and her Spanish being merely conversational. Thank-you to those who took the time to leave a review. There will likely be only be one more chapter after this but here we go with part II! Happy Reading!
PART II
I watched you from the deep shadows of the equipment area that ran alongside the brightly lit gym floor area. I could see that you were a million miles away from here and things were very wrong.
My Joseph...You can't call him that now, I think to myself but I ignore the Queen's voice in my head.
My Joseph...you are normally so attuned to me. Have you already cut yourself off to protect us both? Have I already lost you? You have already drifted away from me even though you are physically only metres away, you may as well be on the other side of the world for all the good it does for the ache in my chest that has not dulled since you pulled away from me mid-dance.
My mind still struggles to process what happened in the space of a heartbeat. How had I gone from being perfectly content in your arms to a blathering, inarticulate fool who had destroyed years of painstaking work, hard-won trust, and love in a moment? The conflicting emotions between Queen and Woman suffused me with an embarrassed heat so I rested my forehead against the cold steel beam near me.
I wince as I watch you jump time and time again, brutally assaulting your poor knee joints and the titanium replacements. I see the grimace on your face as you land hard on your knees again and the sweat pours off your forehead. I hear the muttered Spanish curses tumble from your lips as you berate yourself. I have to make you stop this physical punishment against yourself. My own knees tremble with the force you seem to be pushing yourself with.
It seems it has not been an easy night for either of us and I had hoped that by finding you, I would be able to find some peace by setting things straight with you. I was suddenly struck by how selfish my thoughts were; certain that you would put my peace before yours. Perhaps I would be proved wrong this night.
The unexpected change in music took me by surprise. I saw you give up your physical exertions; the basketball rolls away from you. It was now or never. Courage! Don't desert me now! I begged to the heavens above as I sent up a silent prayer. I mirrored your actions from earlier in the evening and stepped out of the shadows to join you in your closed position and complete the partnered dance hold.
Your eyes are closed and I can tell I have caught you off-guard because you instinctively pull me closer to you and a smile graces your full lips. It was like your mind needed a moment to catch up with your heart because I feel you beginning to step back to create a more respectable distance between our bodies and your embrace stiffens into a more formal pose. The smile is gone and replaced with a neutral expression.
Panic overwhelms me as I feel helpless at the thought of losing you. "I'm sorry," I whisper against your ear and I feel you relax against me. Your hands tighten their grip on my body once again. The panic dissipates as quickly as it arrived and it leaves me washed out and faded.
I have tucked my head into that age-old comfortable position under your chin as we move to the rhythm of this new song. We don't often dance to 'lyrical pop' music. We have never needed words to express what our bodies and hearts sing so freely when we are in each other's arms.
I focus on the feel of your body against mine, wondering if this is the last time 'Joseph' and 'Clarisse' will have a moment together. Again the panic rises within me as I try to memorise as much of you as I can before the spell is broken and Queen Clarisse Renaldi and Mr. Joseph, head of royal security make their appearances. The feeling is intolerable!
Our hands are clasped together. My fingertips automatically seek out and caress the small calluses on your hand. The unbidden memory of kissing your calluses and having the pleasure of thoroughly exploring them with my lips comes rushing vividly to the forefront of my mind. A blush rises from my throat to my cheeks. It was only a few months ago that a cold, bleak winter day walk tipped deliciously into a mutually enjoyable discovery for us both. I had pulled your hands out of your gloves to survey your potential injury and playfully kissed your fingers better only to find out how sensitive the hardened calluses could be under my ministrations. Your surprised reaction to my brazen actions and my surprise that I could make you tremble against me became a curiously erotic experience for us both as you hummed your pleasure and pulled me closer against you, trapping me within the confines of your huge winter overcoat for a rare stolen moment of lustful pleasure. I wonder if you are reminiscing about the same memory as you pull me impossibly closer against you. I feel the low hum emanating deep from your chest and rising to your lips as a sigh.
Now we are both trembling against each other, our breathing movements shallow and uneven. It is a wonder that my legs can even hold me up at this point! That particular memory now seemed like it belonged to someone else's life. It belonged to Clarisse's life alone and had no place in the Queen of Genovia's life.
The music seems haunting and I feel you shudder against me, the gooseflesh rising on your arms as the female vocalist's voice rises to be accompanied by a male voice. The song seems to have a profound effect on you as your trembling hands settle on my waist after you pull me in from a gentle half-spin.
A disquiet fills my heart – you have yet to open your eyes since the song started playing. It is true what they say about the eyes being the windows to the soul especially if said person was your soulmate. I felt the barrier you placed against me keenly. I long to see your thoughts and heart and this is impossible to do with your closed eyes, shuttering your heart away from me. Perhaps it was for the best, I don't know if I can hold myself together if I see your dark stormy blue eyes filled with pain and heartache again...and it will all have been my fault.
My spoken Spanish is adequate for conversation but curiosity gets the better of me and I hope to engage you more with my next query, "Tell me what she is singing, Joseph?"
Un paso, me voy para siempre
Un paso fuerte
Un paso hacia adelante
"One step, I am leaving forever. One strong step. One step already forward."
The emotion I hear in your breaking voice has me pulling you fiercely against me, breaking the order of the dance as you really should be stepping out for a half-spin step.
Dos pasos, me voy sin mirarte
Tan lejos pisé
Dos pasos ya te olvidé
"Two steps, I leave without looking at you. I've stepped far away. Two steps and I forgot you."
Your voice finally breaks and a small hiccough escapes as you try to compose yourself. My own eyes are filled with tears now as you guide me into a spin and step away from me, your fingers are barely holding onto mine at this point.
Tres pasos, ya soy hacia al este,
El sur, el oeste.
Tres pasos creo mucho, me parace
"Three steps, I'm already towards the east, to the south and to the west. I think three steps is a lot."
It takes me three steps to spin out of your embrace and I already feel too far away from you.
You pull me gently back towards you and in four steps our bodies are now partly skirting against each other; your torso and left hip rest lightly against my back and right hip. Your right hand is clasped against my right elbow and your left arm is around my waist pulling me closer to you. I rest my left hand on top of your right hand and intertwined my right hand into your left hand resting against my waist. My head and neck arch backwards to rest between your jaw and left shoulder. The position leaves me vulnerable and exposed but there is no one else in my life that can see me or have me like this.
Cuatro pasos, quiero acordarme
Cuatro pasos, ya sé
Tú me quisiste, yo te quise
Your voice is seductively close to my ear, your breath gently tickling the sensitive skin at the opening of my ear canal as you whisper the translation for my ears only, "Four steps, I want to remember. Four steps and I already know. You loved me, I loved you."
My eyes close at these words and the breath leaves my body as I push further back into you, my hips rolling slightly against your lower body, desperate now to feel you wholly against me. I hate feeling the desperation welling up inside me and making me helpless. I am relieved and release the breath I have been holding when you welcome the gesture and pull the back of my body entirely flush against the front of yours. My heart aches at your words and my mind races through alternate endings. I feel damned...without being Queen, I would never have met you and yet being Queen means I can never have you. I am damned either way. There is no other ending.
Cincos pasos, ya sin perdeme
Tanto me alejé
Cincos pasos y te perdoné
We have settled back into our old dancing pose of familiarity; the back of me molded against your front. Distance does not exist between us now. Your arms are around my waist and our hands are joined together to rest in the middle of my abdomen. I can feel the growing stubble on your left cheek tickle my right cheek. I crave much more than this and rub my cheek gently against yours waiting for you to continue.
"Five steps without losing myself anymore. I walked far away. Five steps and I forgave you."
Your lips brush lightly against mine and I feel your forgiveness in that lightest of kisses. Your eyes finally open and meet my gaze evenly. The dark stormy blue eyes I had seen earlier this evening have returned to their normal placid blue pools. I feel redeemed and bathed in your grace and love - how you do and make me feel these things is a mystery to me. You shift your weight slightly to support us better as you feel my body relax and sink even deeper into your comforting embrace now.
Seis pasos ya, son casi siete
Contar más no sé
Mil pasos y más, me quedo de pie...
"Six steps and now almost seven. I can't count anymore. A thousand steps and more, I will stand."
"Beautiful," I whisper taking your face gently between my hands. A flood of relief washes through me again as you give me the smallest of smiles. If you keep this up, I am going to completely lose my head, I think to myself as I smile back at you.
"It's not over yet," you say softly as you lean down to nuzzle my neck, tickling the skin with your stubble. I'm not sure if you mean the song or if you are referencing our relationship. Clear thinking becomes increasingly difficult when your lips ghost against the skin of my neck and I hear your deep intake of breath. My neck arches up further against you to give you better access, thoroughly enjoying the sensuality of having you this close to me. Cascading sensations of warmth and tingling flow through me and that makes me feel alive again and not so worn out.
We have slowly danced our way closer to the stereo system lining the wall on the far side of the gymnasium.
¿Y cuándo volverás?
Je ne reviendrai pas
¿Cuándo volverás?
Je suis si loin déjà
¿Y cuándo volverás?
Un día o jamás
Your head snaps up and your eyes meet mine as you translate the next verse, "When will you come back? I am not coming back. When will you come back? One day or never."
¿Y cuándo volverás?
Surtout ne m'attends pas
¿Cuándo volverás?
J'ai fait le premier pas
¿Cuándo volverás?
Un día o jamás
"When will you come back? Above all don't wait for me. When will you come back? I have already taken the first step. When will you come back -"
"One day or never," I say, completing the translation for us both. "Oh Joseph...forgive me." and for the second time in a few hours, I am at a loss for words.
The song has ended and despair suddenly engulfs me knowing that things are over now. I raise our clasped hands from my abdomen and press them against the centre of my chest. I keep your hands firmly planted against my heart as it thumps against my chest wall.
You lean back against the wall and pull me back with you as you rest our warmed bodies against the cool concrete.
A quiet sob breaks the silence and I'm not entirely sure from whom it has come. We tighten the grip on each other, wanting to provide this comfort to each other for as long as possible.
My body feels like lead now, exhausted and weighed down with a broken heart and a profound sadness. The volatile emotions and stress of the day have finally overwhelmed me.
"Clarisse," you murmur, your lips ghosting against my ear as I tremble against you. "Clarisse, look at me, please."
I open my eyes reluctantly to meet your gaze as you take a deep breath in, a resolute firmness in your blue eyes.
"Clarisse, forgive me but I think we, no, I mean I...I need some time away. You know that I will always love you but I just need some time...some time to make sense of everything and to always see you as my Queen and ruler of Genovia whilst you guide Amelia. I know myself too well and if I was to stay in your presence then this would be impossible for me. I have to leave because our love...well, love makes us do things for reasons that reason cannot understand. Am I making sense? I'm sorry..." you trail off hopelessly, your eyes darkening again in anger. I can feel your growing frustration with yourself. Your eyes leave mine and drop to the basketball near our feet.
I interrupt you before you decide to pick up your basketball and go down this self-destructive path again, "Joseph...I am so very sorry with all my heart and soul and no matter how much it hurts, I do understand why you have to leave." I cannot stop the tears escaping unbidden from my eyes. "I understand with this..." I press my lips against your chest where your heart rests, "...and not with this." I lightly stroke the skin of your temple.
"Your Majest-"
"It's Clarisse, please," I mumble as I press myself as close to you as I can, "Her Majesty remains absent at this current time. Please...For just a few moments more." I despise the helplessness I can hear in my voice but I don't have the capacity to muster any more strength and the words leave my mouth before I can stop them, "Thank you, my darling, for everything…." My tremulous voice gives me away and I swallow hard trying to stop any more tears from escaping as all the intimate moments spent together rush through my mind's eye in a blurred haze of images.
You whisper my name in acknowledgment as you kiss away the tears from my cheeks and tuck a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. The whole gesture is incredibly kind and yet incredibly erotic at the same time as your fingertips brush against my earlobe.
My sense of time dulls because the centre of everything for me...right now...is being here with you. We continue to stand in silence. You shift your position slightly, willingly taking all my weight as I lean back into you loathe to break any physical contact with you. I keep your hands fiercely guarded within mine, resting against my chest wall. I wish it could communicate to you or perhaps you will be able to read my thoughts; you are and always will be first in my heart and mind, even if I am incapable of showing this to you or acting on my desires. You will always come first for me, Joseph.
Silence and stillness reign around us as my sense of time does indeed shrink further to this single point of being. The motion sensor flood lights finally turn off, leaving us standing in the darkness with nothing but each other as an anchor point.
To be continued...