Sam Evans' Sex Life: A-Z
I'd fallen down the rabbit hole of Tumblr and found the NSFW alphabet, so of course I instantly thought of Sam Evans. The following describes Sam when he's in his mid-twenties, right after Glee ended.
A = Aftercare (what they're like after sex)
Firstly, he's not done if you're not done - that's the Sam Evans promise. He's always a gentleman about cleanup too, and then it's off to sleep. He's not too complicated.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner's)
He's most proud of his abs - you can cut glass with those babies. But he's gotten the most compliments from women about his shoulders. They're naturally pretty broad anyway, and he spends a big chunk of his gym type honing them to perfection.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
Some guys are dribblers and some are shooters, and Sam is definitely the latter. It sort of goes everywhere. His favorite place for it to go is on his girlfriend's chest. One time it accidentally went into a girlfriend's eye, which lead to the most awkward emergency room visit of all time. They are no longer together. Later, much later when he feels like joking about it, Sam describes it as his messiest breakup.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
Sam Evans is generally an open book, and he's got a sex positive attitude, so he doesn't believe in being ashamed of your kinks as long as they're consensual. (He later apologized to Artie for slut shaming him.) As to his dirty secret, while he's not necessarily ashamed of his stint as a teenage stripper, he would never want his mother to find out. Sam knows she'd be crushed by guilt if she knew her son had felt compelled to resort to those lengths to support his family.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)
Sam knows what he's doing, but that can to a degree be attributed to innate talent. He has a natural rhythm that shows more in the bedroom than it does on the dance floor. But he's had his share of relationships. Only one of those had been a one night stand, when he lost his virginity at the strip club. That's another thing he doesn't want his mom to know.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
Sam's fairly traditional and prefers missionary; he likes to see his partner's face. Plus, their hands gripping his shoulders is a turn on. Though, if he's in the mood for cuddling, spooning is great too. It provides easy access to her boobs, and that's a big deal for him.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
Sam takes pleasuring his partner seriously, but yes, he's definitely goofy in bed. He's a gifted, generous lover, which generally makes up for the impressions. It's the rare woman who appreciates pillow talk in Yoda's voice, but still Sam tries every time. He once brought a woman to the very height of pleasure, and then promptly ruined it with his Matthew McConaughey impression. Hearing "Alright, alright, alright," just as she was orgasming had been a dealbreaker.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
Sam's always liked the idea of having a hairy, manly chest, but he's not naturally hairy, so he shaves what little chest hair grows in, to avoid nipple pubes. Downstairs, the carpet doesn't match the drapes since his pubes are a few shades darker than his color treated hair. During his synchronized swimming days he'd trimmed his pubic hair pretty low, but nowadays Sam keeps it natural unless he gets a request from his girlfriend.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
Sam Evans is the most romantic dude you've ever met. So yeah, he's goofy, he references science fiction movies, and he's far too ready to slip into a George W. Bush impression. But, and this is the thing, he pays attention. He asks what you want in bed, he watches how you react, and he adjusts as needed. When you're in bed with Sam Evans, you have no doubt that he has one priority in the entire in the world, and it's you. That's the secret.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
A few times a week, but sometimes less. He's pretty straightforward in this area: traditional pumping motion with his hand, no fancy frills. Sometimes he'll play with his balls. Jerking off isn't something he puts a lot of thought into, saving his best moves for sex. This is more for chilling out after a hard day. He's got nothing to prove.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Sam would love, love, to completely coat his body, and yours, in blue paint and have sex Avatar style. Not, like, all the time - he only owns two pairs of sheets and doesn't have a washer/dryer in his apartment. "But God, wouldn't it be awesome to try it just once?" Thus far, women have found his argument unconvincing.
L = Location (favorite places to do the deed)
The bed. Other places can sound wild and exciting, but Sam speaks from experience when he warns that you don't really want to have sex outside. There's nothing worse than trying to get grass stains off your ass. The last thing you want is a mosquito bite below the belt.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Kindness, a girl who makes him laugh and gets his jokes. Beautiful eyes. If he's being honest, boobs. He's definitely a boob man. Boobs can and have driven him to distraction.
N = No (something they wouldn't do, turn offs)
No food in the bedroom. It's not even about cleanliness for him. That chocolate that you're asking him to lick off of your body will just turn straight into belly fat. If he's going to eat junk food, it would be Cool Ranch Doritos, and he can't imagine crunchy chips would be well suited for sex play.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
They don't call him Trouty Mouth for nothing, and Sam's never had any complaints when it comes to going down on a woman.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
He adjusts to suit the mood, but slow and sensual is probably Sam's preferred setting. He wants to take his time and explore everything, to show his partner the attention she deserves. But he can do fast, too. Sam Evans knows how to get a job done efficiently.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Quickies are about the destination, and Sam's there for the journey. He's had quickies, and it's not like he'd turn down the offer, but he'd rather have a bed and a free afternoon to thoroughly make his point. Though yeah, sometimes just getting off with a bang is amazing. His general opinion is that sex is amazing, however you go about it.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
He's willing to learn new things, for sure. And while his tastes don't run to bondage, he does have a safe word picked out: "Skywalker"
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
Sam is very fit and he doesn't tire easily. There's nothing he likes better than spending an entire Saturday in bed together.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
Initially, he'd been pretty hesitant about that sort of thing, for his own solo use, but when your best friend in the whole world is a gay dude, you learn a few things. So now in his nightstand drawer there's a prostate massager. "Straight guys have prostates too," Blaine had said, and that was the mantra Sam mumbled to himself when he'd first opened the box, admittedly with a lot of trepidation. He'd quickly become a fan.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
Not particularly a fan, but if that's your thing then Sam Evans will do his best to accommodate and give it the old college try.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
Not loud. Sam finds it distracting and his philosophy is that if you're being obnoxiously loud, you're probably not focusing on the subject at hand. He does, however, know the value of whispering your lady's name in her ear at just that special moment. It's a proven winner.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
Sam gets off on praise. He's always been self-conscious about his body, his weight, and how people see him. Praise of pretty much any kind is an instant turn on. Picture a golden retriever puppy who's just been told he's a good boy. It's sort of like that.
X = X-ray (let's see what's going on under those clothes)
Sam's dick is not pornstar huge, but it's definitely above average in length and is pleasantly girthy. It looks good on him, and has more than once been described as "pretty." He isn't circumcised, though his foreskin isn't very long; even flaccid, the tip of his glans pokes outside the foreskin. He's occasionally somewhat self-conscious about being uncut due to teasing he received years ago in the middle school locker room, but he's never had any complaints from girlfriends. More than a few have been super into it.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
He's not obnoxious about it, but Sam's pretty much always ready for action. Never has a girlfriend told him she was in the mood, only to find that he had a headache. Sam's sex philosophy is sort of like, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." It's definitely the best way to burn calories, and he's super invested in fitness.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
He doesn't mean to be rude, but you have to understand that in addition to giving you the best sex of your life, he's also had two workouts and a run already today, so yeah, he's exhausted and is probably going to fall asleep pretty quickly afterwards. If you really want to talk after doing the deed that's fine, but it's going to be in Yoda's voice and syntax. Or John Wayne, if your tastes run in that direction. "Was it good for you too, pilgrim?" He tends to involuntarily drift into impressions when he gets drowsy.
This was actually really fun! I saw there's a SFW version too, and if people enjoyed this, I might do that one too, if I have time. Thanks for reading!