Chapter 3: A New Beginning
Ames arrived at the building around 9 AM, dressed in his fresh suit, and approached the receptionist. "Hello, I'm here for the follow-up from yesterday's test. Same place?"
The receptionist, upon seeing him, pressed another button. "The director is able to see you. Proceed to room 609".
Ames went up to the room, glad that his application was apparently going well. So the director wanted to meet new applicants? That was quite informal. He could make a good first impression. He knocked on the door, and heard a familiar... singing?... from the other side.
"Come in", the director said. Ames entered the room, and saw a table with what he assumed were the director and some other top-level agents. They weren't wearing suits, at least not what he was familiar with. Their clothing resembled black or patterned silk pajamas, with "FBI" written down the sleeve, along with their position. Between this and the now-louder babbling from a computer the director was working on, Ames was a bit taken aback. "Go ahead and have a seat Ames. It's an honor to meet the (glances around table) highest-scoring applicant in FBI history."
"Surely he's joshing me", Ames thought to himself, "joking to put me at ease, though a bit condescending. I hope the suit doesn't look too strange". He then said, "Thank you sir, it's great to be here, I guess I feel, or just like, retro-style clothing. I look good in it. It's the only business attire I had available." He sat at the seat directly on the director's right-hand side.
"Well... if you say so. I'm Director Bannon. My family has a long and proud history of public service. First step for you would be to get some modern clothes, instead of that sucky thing. Looks like an old movie."
Ames smiled agreeingly.
The director added, "We'll get you an advance on your pay to get some clothes that don't make you look like a prick."
"Looking forward to it sir." Ames' gaze drifted toward the computer. "Say, what is that? I haven't heard that person before." It was the same babblilng he had heard from the taxi; a woman sounding like she had suffered brain damage.
"Oh this? You must be living under a rock. It's 'Selfie Boobwa', the most popular song right now. It won three Grammies last year, along with a BET award." The director's face showed slight disgust. "She 'identified' as black last year, even though she's whiter than anyone I've ever seen, so she qualified for that last one. They just give those out, in California, though, so it doesn't really matter."
"Identified?", Ames asked.
"Yeah, apparently you can decide what race or whatever you are. But that's just the culture war 'they' have been raging for hundreds of years. That state lost all Federal funding due to stunts like this, but it was worth it to them, apparently. It's an SJW wasteland out there."
The director turned off the music, looked direclty at Ames, and said, "Anyway, I get distracted. Time to get you started. We need someone of your talents. You're the new director of Domestic Terrorism."
Ames was stunned at this assignment. Perhaps the director wasn't kidding earlier. "Wow that's... pretty awesome. I'm glad to be on board."
"I'll introduce you to the team", the director said. "This guy McConnell is the Social Media Czar". The director thumbed to his left, at a guy fixated on his phone. "His job is to find and shut down social media that commits insurrection against our government. Websites, users, any kind of communication that offends our blessed leaders."
"Must be pretty serious for the FBI to get direclty involved", Ames thought. "What kind of threats? Bombings? Assassinations?"
The director continued: "Hot stuff here is agent Palin, the Voter Fraud chief. Someone cheats or steals an election, she investigates it." Ames nodded cordially at her.
"Next is Copeland, our Religious Freedom guy. Any restriction or infringement on the religion, and he uses his persuasion to fix them up or shut them up."
Ames was surprised. He thought to himself, "What's the FBI doing with religion? And what does he mean 'the' religion?"
"Next up is our Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms man. LaPierre protects 2nd Amendment rights no matter what the socialists and annoying liberals say." The director beamed with pride. "Just last month, LaPierre shut down some entitled parents who were whining about the shooting at their school."
LaPierre asked for clarification. "Hartford?"
"No, Jacksonville. Hartford was the week before. But you did fine there too. Just a small price to pay to keep our holy freedoms."
"Oh yes, I guess I did. Sometimes your work just blends after awhile. But we protected profits, and rights too, I guess. And that's all that matters. We sure got a bump in fuding after that one."
"You're damn right Mr. LaPierre, we sure did."
Ames was shocked at this person's role. Surely, of all the problems society faced in 2022, if many others had gotten worse by now, the one which would have been fixed was mass shootings. Were ANY measures taken? If so, why hadn't they worked?
The director turned to the last agent present. "And last but not least is our in-house counsel, Cruz."
Ames turned to the "man" on his right. This person looked barely 17.
"How's it hanging?", the "attorney" asked.
"Ehh, I'm fine. Nice to meet you. So you're the chief counsel. You must be pretty brilliant to be head of the FBI's legal department."
"I *am* the legal department", Cruz said. "Kicked ass in law school for both years."
Ames was surprised. He thought: "Both?... well maybe he was good enough to finish in two years. He then asked him, "So what kind of role do you have?"
"I go to court if the FBI is sued, or needs advice on whether we can arrest someone. It can be challenging; one day I had to read the 2nd Amendment three times. In another case a Godless atheist sued us, so I had to argue that he was infrinng on the religious freedom of others by saying God wasn't real. We won, and he was arrested for sedition."
"Amen", Copeland added.
Ames had a sinking feeling of dread; he himself wasn't religious. He may have to play along in order to fit in. He had a few more questions. "Where did you go to law school? And how old are you, by the way? I wish I looked that good at 39."
"I took the classes online. Evidence, objections and shit. As well as scripture and the 2nd Amendment. And by the way, I'm 17."
Ames was again confused. "Scripture? Was it a theological online college? I hear those are pretty good."
Cruz replied, "Theologi-what?"
"Nevermind, it's not important. What did you think of the bar exam?"
"I don't drink really. Is this 'Bar Ecsam' fun? Maybe after work sometime."
Ames was speechless, but hid his shock with a courteous nod, and turned back to the director.
The director concluded, "Alright Mr. Ames. It's time for you to begin your first assignment. We got credible reports that a school is teaching Critical Race Theory, and we're moving on this today. Since you're now the head of Domestic Terrorism, you're heading out." He handed Ames the file on this case. "It's a high school on the north side of town. I'll also get you the keys to an agency vehicle."
Ames was eager to see how horrific this "Critical Race Theory" was, and wanted an opportunity to learn more about schools in general, judging from what he'd seen. "I'd also like to bring LaPierre along with me, since he can give me a better idea about school security in general. We can really combine our departments' roles on this."
Director Bannon was impressed. "Combining agencies, that's some next-level thinking. Just remember that you'll be encountering seditionists attacking our nation. That's a big crime, a, uh, major attack."
"Felony", Cruz said.
"Woah", the others thought in hushed reverence. He was truly the greatest legal mind the government had to offer.
Ames changed into his "FBI Domestic Terrorism" suit-pajamas, and he and LaPierre got into the agency vehicle. Ames was able to drive the vehicle, based on watching the taxi driver earlier. He typed the address into the GPS, and the two headed off to investigate this heinous crime.
Along the way, Ames continued to notice the horrible shape the roads were in, and delapidated buildings. He turned to LaPierre, "Why are the roads like this? When were they last paved?"
"They're free to pave the roads themselves, or pay the government to do it. We can't just do it."
"Why not? I thought taxes covered that sort of thing."
"'Taxes'? Mr. Ames, you can't do that. Some peole don't even use the roads. If we used taxpayer money for that, it would be socialism."
Ames was a little confused. "Socialism? Well, I always thought, or read, that some expenses were covered by the government."
"Can't do that. Long ago, our government took the money that we were using on sociaslist expenses, and gave bonuses to the business leaders so that they could create jobs."
"And how many jobs did that create?" Ames was doing his best to drive around some of the larger potholes, becoming increasingly frustrated.
"I don't know, but no one really does. You're asking alot of questions. If we taxed the rich, or business owners, that would destroy the middle class."
Ames also thought that neighborhoods around DC should be more affluent, but the houses he passed looked barely more than shacks. "Middle class?", he thought to himself. "What middle class?"
They eventually reached the school, and the FBI agents got out to interview the principal. Ames, being the director of Domestic Terrorism, introduced himself and asked about the "Critical Race Theory" incident. He took out his notepad, anticipating an investigation.
"Glad to see you", the principal said. "A parent called me, and said a teacher mentioned 'slavery'. The student was told that white people in the south used to own black people."
Ames waited for a moment. "Ok. And-?"
"That's it. The parent was pissed at us. But I told them I fired the teacher. I couldn't believe it myself!"
"You couldn't believe what?"
"That the teacher would make that up! I never heard such a thing growing up. This is a land of freedom and Jesus. We wouldn't allow something like that to happen."
Ames didn't know what to say. THIS was considered "Critical Race Theory"? "Uhh, yeah. It sounds like you already took care of it. I don't think we need to step in." Ames saw what appeared to be prison inmates exiting the school, shackled, and boarding a prison bus. "What's up with those guys?"
The principal filled him in. "Oh, those are the teachers. We contract with the local prison for their inmates to teach here. It doesn't cost the district anything, which is good since schools aren't a tax-funded business. Anyway, as I said, the teacher who mentioned 'slavery' won't be returning.
Ames was shocked and speechless. He could feel LaPierre grow impatient. "I think that's all we need here. It looks like you already took care of it. If it happens again, you can let us know." This was all Ames could think to say.
The two got back in the FBI vehicle, and Ames said, "Would you mind driving? I'm still going over the case." Ames just pondered over this event, and asked LaPierre, "He said schools aren't tax-funded. Is that the case for all schools?"
"Man, you must be living under a rock. Schools aren't essential for the economy and they don't really make a profit, so they haven't been tax-funded for over a hundred years. Were you home-schooled?"
"Um, yes, home-schooled... I'm just curious what businesses do receive tax funding. I was postive schools did."
LaPierre proudly held up his AR-15-style weapon. "THIS beauty. The great, Holy industries that keep us safe and defend our freedoms. One day, God told the President that we needed to guarantee everyone could have guns. And so the gun manufacturers received this funding. That was many years ago now, and our nation is stronger for it."
This reminded Ames of the reason he wanted LaPierre to accompany him in the first place. "I also noticed that there were no shootings reported from that school."
"Hell yes, the last shooting there was over two weeks ago. And it's because we got the principal and teachers guns. The teachers have to turn the guns in before they leave, but that makes the school safer."
Ames wrote these issues in his notepad: "Breakdown of education, prolification of guns, religious extremism". These were the issues so far he'd have to bring up when he went back to 2022.
They arrived back at FBI headquarters, and Ames decided he should research these issues in more depth, and find an apartment. He signed a lease online, and researched these issues as best he could. The next day, if he had another assignment, he could learn more.
He left and got a taxi to his new apartment, and the taxi driver seemed familiar. "Hello there, I need to go to 47th Street and Gary Ave... say, did you give me a ride yesterday?"
"Oh yeah, the government man. Name's Lazarus Pendejo. Kicking ass so far?"
"I suppose, it's counter-terrorism. Critical Race Theory."
"Damn, I heard of that. Lying about our great and free country. I hope you pumped them full of lead!"
"There was no lead-pumping. But anyway, I should get over there. It's been a long day."
Ames entered this apartment, and settled in. Who knows what the next day would bring.