AN: So the last year and a half has been pretty hellish for me personally, and I haven't had much time or motivation to write much.

Recently, however, I've gotten interested in Lobotomy Corporation and Library of Ruina, so I've decided to just maybe write one or two one-shots every now and then just to hone my writing skills and create some cool shit.

Without further ado, let's begin!

I may reference minor spoilers, but they will always be without context.

Disclaimer: Lobotomy Corporation is owned by those fantastic folks at Project Moon.

From the desk of Manager X:

An Insight into the Eighth Wonder of the World that is Clerk Stupidity

A general guide to understanding and utilising Clerks.

'Managers of Lobotomy Corporation, I'm sure you're all very familiar with Clerks. Yes, Clerks, the ones who make you coffee, do the paperwork and get themselves killed on a daily basis.

As you may know, we don't have direct control over Clerks. They technically answer to the company itself rather than to a specific Manager according to a source of mine, which in my honest opinion is genuinely the height of stupidity.

Whoever thought of this hierarchy system must have something wrong with their brain and I will happily volunteer as the first one to lobotomise them myself.

Alas, there is more to say. Clerks are naturally unskilled at dealing with Abnormalities due to not having received any formal training. This is to be expected as just about any loser from the Backstreets can get a job as a Clerk. The demand for jobs at Lobotomy Corporation always astounds me.

While there is the occasional Clerk that can get promoted to an Agent, this is a very rare occurrence and usually only happens after an extremely special occasion. I myself can attest to one such occurrence, as at my facility one 'Daphne' also known as 'Delta45' survived an Ordeal of Violet Noon and took it out with the assistance of two Agents.

Outside promotions, Clerks are nothing more than cannon fodder. They are barely capable of defending themselves against even Amber Dawns, do nothing that Agents can't do themselves and are frequently used by Abnormalities to aid their escape.

Personally I believe Clerks shouldn't be hired. Unfortunately, company procedure states that 'all Departments must staff Clerks'.

To understand the extent the Clerks can ruin a facility I must share to you the report of Incident N7563…'

"Angela, are we allowed to disclose information on accidents that technically never happened?"

The eternally shut-eyed AI maintained her neutral expression. "If it's only going to other Managers, it can be allowed. They don't have a reason to suspect it to be false anyway."

The black-haired man sitting in the chair, eyes sparkling in delight. "Well in that case, perfect!" He reached for his mouse quickly, opening up the record of the Incident. "Okay, so…"

'On the day of the Incident things were bad enough already. Nothing There was missing as usual, a suicidally stupid Agent punched Punishing Bird and the Dawn of Green had killed way too many Clerks because of some demonstration or another…'

Hurried breathing sounds were heard from the two Agents as they hurtled down the warm yellow corridor. The taller one carried a pair of stylish pistols, one white and one black, and was dressed in a formal white suit, while the other carried a katana pulsing with energy and wore a midnight blue suit.

"Where the bloody hell is that goddamn scrap pile?" the shorter one yelled. The two turned a corner and briefly stopped to grab a ticket from the Train Clerk's room before continuing on.

"I'd imagine it might have moved to Welfare by now, Cheon," the taller one muttered, "but we'll check CCA 2.4 just to be sure.

"Sure, John, whatever you say." Cheon grinned as the two clambered up some stairs. As they reached the top Cheon laughed as the distinctive head of a Doubt came into view, and he rushed forward, katana at the ready.

"Feel the loving embrace of death!" The robot was instantly beheaded and its body was soon split apart as John shot two dozen holes into it. Rejoicing at the tell-tale sound of the Ordeal ending, the two looked around and saw quite a few Clerk corpses around, with only one survivor, holding onto his pistol with a vice grip.

"Oh h-h-hey fellow employees, thanks fer-FOR helping me out!" the clerk stammered, looking a little scared at the sight of the two high-ranking Agents.

"No problem, mate!" Suddenly an alarm blared out and a very familiar tune picked up, one that every employee loved and dreaded in equal measure.

"Second Trumpet… shit! That Bird'll be on the loose!" Cheon rapidly dashed into a hallway leading back to Central, with John and the Clerk hot on his heels.

Cheon barely paid his surroundings any attention as he rushed into the Main Room of Central to find…

"What the fuck. What the actual fuck."

A line of Clerks were standing in a row and flipping off the Mountain of Smiling Bodies. Even the Mountain looked confused as it tried to comprehend the suicidally stupid event that was happening before it.

"Fellow Clerks! It is I, you also-Clerk fri-what is happening?" Cheon looked back to see the others had caught up.

One Clerk shouted, "We're making a demonstration, of course! We're telling the Mountain we're tired of its bullshit corpse-eating."

"By publicly shunning it it'll have no choice but to stop!"

John facepalmed and asked Cheon, "How long before they all die?"

The lights took that moment to turn off.

John grimaced. "Yesterday."

Loud footsteps heralded the arrival of a very big Bird, which prompted the Mountain to stop being confused and rapidly kill the Clerks in front of it, the victims futilely and quite bloodily succumbing to their demise.

The Clerk that followed John and Cheon did not seem to react. "Well, uh. Yes. What a sam-SHAME. I am very sad to see my brethren succumbing and losing their shells and souls."

John and Cheon froze. "Didn't someone say something about Nothing There having escaped?" John questioned. The Clerk turned its head 180 degrees to look at him, a loud snapping sound echoing throughout the air.

"…"

"…"

"Punishing Bird has escaped."

"Judgement Bird has escaped."

John and Cheon barely had a chance to look surprised before the ground erupted beneath them and they found that the Entrance to the Black Forest had emerged beneath their feet. Big Bird quickly turned around and headed for the portal, entering before anyone could react.

The Mountain had genuine fear in its eyes, rapidly running away with its three bodies as fast as its stubby legs could run.

The Clerk was still staring at John and Cheon, before its mouth seemed to force itself open. "What do you mean, fellow humans? I am human, just like you!"

Cheon raised an eyebrow. "Give it a minute and it'll start quoting the meme."

John still looked confused. "Surely some backup would've arrived by now…" He pulled out his PDA and scrolled through. "Oh."

"How bad is it?"

"I'm the only Level 5 agent on duty today. You're the only Level 4 agent still alive. Everyone else is either dead, a Clerk, Nothing There," John was interrupted by Nothing There's signature 'Hello?' before continuing. "or Level 3 and below i.e. a liability."

"In other words?"

The two spoke simultaneously. "We're fucked."

"How did this even happen, John? I swear it was fine up until Green Dawn." Cheon thought for a second. "Shit. The Clerk demonstrations."

"Right, they were trying to prove something or another by trying to suppress the Ordeal by themselves."

"Which caused the Mountain to breach, who caused Big Bird to breach, which caused everything to go to shit."

"Well, Cheon, looks like it's the end of the line for us. We had a good run, but it seems we're finished." As if on cue, the two other birds walked and flew in, beelining for the portal. Nothing There appeared to be analysing a Clerk corpse.

"Suicide?"

"Suicide."

The two instantly pulled out pistols and blew their brains out, just as the portal disappeared to reveal an absolutely gigantic avian entity, screaming to the heavens above.

'…and on that Day I had to deal with the ugliest entity I have ever seen rampaging throughout the facility, Nothing There being Nothing There, and Mountain fucking recycling the bodies of the entire facility.'

'It is therefore clearly evident that Clerks are a fuckup of epic proportions. Utilising them is an impossible event, and understanding them is equally as boggling. Therefore the best way to deal with them is to simply Execute them each Day to prevent any Clerk-related incidents from occurring.'

X, satisfied, quickly saved his hastily made rant/professional document and spun around, satisfied.

"Angela, can you get that sent to every Manager you have contact with, thank you!"

Angela could merely sigh, as she viewed another blithering idiot who she was very surprised had lasted so long.

AN: So, uh, that's it, I suppose. I'm still getting the hang of writing back, so don't expect too much too often.

See ya next time! Maybe!