THE FIRST GOODBYE

I want to go hunting with Gale in order to spend some final time with him before I have to tour the districts, but seeing as the president knows I hop the fence almost every day I resist. I'd say that I'm extremely lucky Snow didn't enforce some kind of punishment then and there. Somehow, I have to relate Snow's visit to Gale and explain why he, too, cannot get even a few feet close to that fence anymore.

This will not help his family's food supply situation one ounce, so I have no other choice but to sneak some meat and grain to Hazel so they don't suffer. I know Gale's mother well enough to know that she won't relate this to him. He'd be absolutely pissed if he found out. But, despite my uneasiness, this is the one time I will allow myself to go behind his back to deliver food to his family because I know how much they need it.

I try to meet up with Gale on Sunday when I know he won't be tired and disgruntled from slaving away at the mines. I try to explain the situation of no more hunting in the best way I can manage. He is understandably angry that he and I cannot venture over the fence anymore, but knows he's reached a stalemate because he won't risk it for the safety of his family. I have been mulling over the possibility of telling Gale about my soon to be engagement, to prepare him for the lovesick interviews and obnoxious announcements regarding the wedding that will soon be all over the news. The image of Peeta and I kissing will surely be shoved in his face and the faces of everyone in Panem. Nobody will be able to escape the sickening spectacle.

However, when I try to scrape up the courage to tell Gale, only after I broke it to him that we can't have our Sunday hunting sessions anymore, I foresee that it will only turn disastrous. How can I tell Gale, my best friend who I happened to share a kiss with a month ago, that there is someone else I'm going to be sharing more with? More time with and more kisses with. And for the rest of my life.

The inevitably planned future for Peeta and me sometimes hits me like a sledgehammer, and I find myself breathless and unable to move as I am reminded of what I must commit to. Secretly, I'm constantly struggling for an escape. There has to be a way around marrying Peeta, a route I can take where I'm left alone and forgotten by the Capitol. But, gradually I am coming to terms with the fact that there isn't one.

Nothing can change this reality-not if I want to risk the life of my family and the dignity of Peeta and me. I cannot bear to see whatever disgusted, or hurt, or furious look that may appear on Gale's face once he knows. I don't even want to think about how it may irreversibly change our friendship. So, I swallow my words and give him a hasty goodbye with the promise that I'll see him after the tour.

My entire prep team, Cinna, a Capitol camera crew, and Effie arrive at my doorstep in outfits completing the rainbow at 8 am the following morning. I'm a bit surprised that they managed to force themselves out of bed this early, but they must have already chugged their coffee because they're as loud and giddy as ever. I am plucked, sprayed, painted, and layered in expensive fur clothes. They shove me out the door to greet Peeta before we head to the train station. I try to keep things light as I say goodbye to my mother and sister and remind them that I'll be back before they know it.

"Have a good time, Katniss, and try all of the food you can get your hands on!" Prim grins goofily, attempting to boast my spirits. I can't help but laugh.

"I'll have some shipped to you, if I can. Or, Peeta can just replicate the best dishes that we taste when we get back," I glance over at Peeta with a small smile, who nods.

"Absolutely."

After stuffing myself with a far too delicious dinner, I swiftly head to my compartment bedroom so to escape from everyone's presence because I'm worried about tomorrow's events. All I can think about is Rue. The image of her innocent brown eyes burns in my mind. I imagine the exact same pair of eyes on her parents, maybe even her siblings. And then there's Thresh's family to wonder about, too. This trip shouldn't be presented as celebratory because, in reality, it is the exact opposite. It's a cruel showcase of reminders. It just makes all of the other districts remember the sorrow of the games. The fresh memories of every single person in that arena, who died only months ago, whose bones are now rotting away in the graveyard of their districts.

After showering that night, I pick out a comfortable looking pair of blue cotton pajama pants and crawl under the covers. However, after many empty hours of zero sleep, I give up. So, I slide out of bed and wander around the train, ignoring the inevitable fact that I will be exhausted the following day. I discover a shadow leaning against one of the cold windowsills. A few tufts of blond hair glow in the dim moonlight. His head turns sharply, sensing my presence.

"Oh, hey you," Peeta whispers from across the compartment. I can't completely see his face because it's obscured in shadows, but his familiar soothing voice lifts some weight off of my shoulders. I approach him.

"You know, insomnia can decrease your lifespan, Katniss," Peeta remarks as I lean against the same windowsill.

"Where did you hear that?" I respond with a scowl, although I can't maintain it for long when Peeta chuckles. "I don't really know. Maybe in school," he shrugs.

"Well, I could say the same to you," I counter. "Why can't you sleep?"

He's quiet at first, his demeanor contemplative as he draws circles on the foggy glass with his thumb. "I guess I'm thinking about tomorrow. How to approach it and what to say," he finally answers.

"Me too," I breathe. Peeta glances at me before tentatively reaching out and placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry, I know you must feel even worse because of... Rue. But I've been thinking about it, and I can do the talking, if you want," he offers. My body relaxes in relief.

"Thank you... That would be really nice, because I have no clue what to say right now, and I do not want to read whatever speech Effie has written," I wince at the thought of her curly handwriting on rosy pink notecards.

"No problem. I get it. It's not fun having her and the rest of them breathing down our necks. Maybe after this trip we'll get left alone for a while," Peeta hopes.

"Yeah... for a bit," I reply, remembering with sudden dread about the wedding. Peeta seems to read my thoughts, his blue eyes scanning my face. I always drop my gaze when he does this. I've noticed him do this when we were in the games and then afterwards during the few times that I would run into him. He's trying to figure me out, I think. I know that I probably seem difficult to understand... I can't seem to express myself very well. We are quiet for a while, and I match his movements by drawing shapes on the glass.

"I-uh-have something for you," Peeta mentions suddenly.

"What?"

Peeta scratches at the nape of his neck. "Well, I wasn't sure at first if it was a good idea to give it you so soon... or even get it in the first place... but I thought of you, so I just did it," he rambles, rummaging in his jean pocket. I only realize now that he hasn't changed into pajamas. I wonder if he has even set foot in his bedroom yet.

Peeta pulls out a small brown box fastened with a single string of white twine. He carefully sets it between us on the windowsill, giving me the option to accept it or push it away. My fingers graze the box, and I eventually remove the twine. I can already foresee what this will be, and although it scares me a little, I'm sort of curious about what he got me.

I lift the lid to find a ring. It's not at all like the gaudy ones the people in the Capitol always seem to wear. It's rather dainty; a single golden band that curls upwards in tiny carved vines. There's a tiny diamond at the center of what appears to be a welded flower.

"Peeta... where did you get this?" I murmur. I'm still admiring the delicate details.

"Well, I got Silas, the blacksmith, to mold the gold together to create the ring and set the diamond, but uh... I did the vines and petals. It wasn't too difficult-I just got some tools and figured it out," he adds hastily, and I can tell he's a bit nervous explaining all of this to me. I finally stare up at him.

"It's beautiful... so, this is my engagement ring?"

"Uh, well... yeah. I just-I thought you'd like something not so big and Capitol-looking. Maybe something more like what you'd get at home," he answers quietly, his cheeks reddening.

But this is from home. You made it just for me in Twelve...

I gingerly slip the ring out of the box. I wasn't expecting something like this. However, I realize that I don't mind that Peeta gave it to me now. If we have to do this, I'm glad that I can have this one thing for myself. Peeta was exactly right in thinking I'd want a ring like this. He knows me better than I thought he did.

"So, you like it? You'd not weirded out that I gave this to you now? Because, if you are, we can just forgot about it. My feelings won't be hurt," he adds sincerely. I can tell he's worried that he's displaying too much of his affections through this gift. Sure, maybe the way he made the ring for me was thoughtful and romantic, but it's not like he's getting down on one knee and asking me formally. He understands that at the end of the day, this is a deal. We are making an agreement of companionship.

"I really do like it, Peeta. I think it's perfect. I mean, what other time would've been better to give it to me anyway? I think Snow's expecting us to reveal our engagement on this tour," I suspect, replacing the ring inside the box and carefully slipping it into my pocket. Peeta nods with a grim expression.

"Yeah, I think you're right," he sighs. We both lean our elbows on the windowsill and watch the dark landscape pass us, a mixture of dark blue and green colors that blur my vision.

"We're going so fast... I think even if we tried to jump, we'd be killed," Peeta thinks aloud in amusement.

"Are you trying to plan our escape?" I whisper with a smile. Peeta nods, returning the smile.

"Oh, definitely. I'm planning it every day," he replies, a hint of seriousness in his tone. The idea of somehow getting off this train and running away with Peeta doesn't seem to awful at the moment. Before I stop myself for thinking so ridiculously, I let my mind wander. I imagine us wrapped up in each other's arms underneath a large willow tree or laughing with each other around a small fire...

"We can't stay here forever. We both need to sleep," I whisper as my eyes droop. I barely hear Peeta's quiet reply before I doze off, my cheek resting against the cold glass.

Somehow, by Peeta's guiding hand, I stumble into my bed and pass out. I wake as the winter sun peaks through the curtains to find that I was tucked in last night. My usual night terrors were oddly absent. My hand presses at my side pocket, feeling the shape of the box with the ring. I want to be sure that nobody sees it just yet, so I get up and wander to the dresser where all of my things have been thoughtfully folded and put away by Cinna. I grab my father's old hunting jacket, the one item I never try to part with, and slip the box inside the zip up pocket.

The days drag by painfully as we transport from train to district to back to train again. The strict routine Effie has scheduled for Peeta and me seems to follow the rhythm of the train, the same constant and unending movement. Haymitch continues to lecture us about how to appear more in love, causing him and me to bicker frequently. Peeta is doing much better than I am, but despite all of my efforts, it's extremely difficult to smile, giggle, and constantly kiss someone's face when you are standing on a stage in front of bored, devastated, or outright furious people. Our district audiences don't react as nicely to our love affair as the Capitol people do.

"Listen, you two," Haymitch gestures at us over breakfast one morning with his coffee spoon. "You need to re-strategize before we get to the Capitol in five days. You've got four more districts to go. Come on, create some plan: a new way to suck face, a new way to talk about one another, or make a shocking announcement-just something. The love affair's getting stale."

I glare at his remark. "Fine, Haymitch. Peeta's proposed. I'll wear the ring, tomorrow," I snap, although I didn't choose my words very carefully because the rest of the table gapes at me. My prep team, in particular. Octavia squeals before Venia clamps a neon nailed hand over her mouth.

"Peeta's pro-proposed to you?" Effie sputters, for once not so eloquent. My faces grows hot, and I anxiously poke at my sliced fruit with my fork.

"No, Effie, I just mean-I mean that's our plan," I explain, glancing at Peeta. Luckily, he quickly recovers from his surprise at my slip and nods.

"We've discussed it. Katniss and I... we're getting engaged," he tells the table. My prep team bursts into cheers of celebration, and even Cinna utters a quiet "Congratulations," even though I know he's more in tune with the idea that this is simply an act. I'm not sure what my prep team assumes, they've surely heard us strategizing over meals every day. Nevertheless, everyone is excited. Effie immediately begins drawing up engagement party plans at the table.

"Alright, good call," Haymitch gives his approval. "Just do what you can to make it grab people's attention."

That evening, I slip out my father's hunting jacket and extract the ring. My fingers shake a bit as I hold it up in the lamplight of my bedroom. I love that Peeta made this ring, but it also represents my eternal handcuff. The one that Snow has clamped upon me. I force myself into the games in order to protect my sister, and somehow win them against many odds, but despite this, I'm still not free from the arena. I'm simply in a new arena, and Snow is the gamemaker. Peeta and I cannot survive if we don't play by his rules.

My breath hitches in my throat and suddenly the world collapses in on me. I crumble to the floor, letting out a strangled cry. I bite down on my sleeve to keep from uttering any more screams. They soon turn into sobs, and I bury my face in my arms. I hope nobody hears me. I don't want anyone to come knocking and discover me like this. I crawl over to the bed and bury myself under the covers. My sobs continue, although they are quieter. I'm soaked in my own tears when I fall asleep.

What seems like seconds later, I wake up screaming in terror. I hardly remember my dream, but it had something to do with a wedding set in an arena with dead tributes as the honored guests. My door swings open, and adrenaline causes me to scramble out of bed, ready to attack whoever has barged in.

"Hey, hey-it's me. It's just me," Peeta's voice calls, his arms raised to show that he has nothing to hide. Relieved, I slump against the bed, exhausted from my severe thrashing and screams. Peeta slowly inches his way over to me.

"I heard you. Are you okay?"

I shrug, wiping the wetness under my eyes.

"Nightmare."

"Yeah, I thought it might be that," he replies quietly. I glance up at him. His face appears so kind and understanding, like he's felt all of the emotions I'm having right now. I recall his sweetness and gentleness towards me in the arena. How he held me as I slept every night. For some reason, I desire that more than ever now.

Without saying a word, I slip back into bed and open up the covers for him, inviting him to lay beside me. He hesitates for a moment.

"Can you stay here?" The hoarse words that come from me seem to give him more of a consent. I just need him to sleep beside me, just someone to hold onto tonight. He gets in carefully, reaching out his arms as I lean towards him. I press my face into the crook of his neck, reveling in his familiar smell and warmth. His fingers stroke my hair until I drift off.

A/N: A little cliché with the nightmare situation, but I felt like I had to establish it nevertheless. Just prepare yourselves for when they get to the Capitol. ;)