. . .
While Miss Pauling and Zhanna were getting their drinks, three young women stepped inside the bar. From the uncanny resemblance between all of them, one could mistake them for triplets. They each wore fitted baseball caps with dirty blonde ponytails sticking out the back opening, as well as similar outfits, each a distinctive color. Though, they partly covered by gray sweat jackets, probably to keep warm from the New Mexican winter outside.
One of the girls was dressed in a somewhat red and racy top with a maroon skirt. Her blue eyes widened when she spotted an attractive guy sitting at the bar's end and made a beeline towards him.
The second girl was dressed in a white polo top and a dark gray skirt. A pair of yellow-rimmed shades hid her eyes. She sighed and shook her head when the first girl went up to the bar patron. The third girl, wearing black with neon orange lines accenting the seams, seemed annoyed.
"Remind me again, Iris," she deadpanned. "Just why exactly did we have to bring her along?"
Iris sighed. "I'll admit, Cyborscout, not exactly a genius move…but she's the only one that can sense where he is."
"So he just ran into this bar without anyone seeing him?"
"That or she's looking for some hanky panky again."
Cyborscout groaned, putting a hand to her forehead. "Why do I even—?"
"For now, let's just buy some drinks and see if she spots him. Think of her as a mouse catcher."
"If she doesn't get distracted first. It's a good thing Cyborneer fixed her with that device, otherwise this whole place would be an orgy fest!" She scoffed in disgust. "I'm surprised she hasn't gotten a venereal disease at this point."
Both women just hoped this dimension they entered was safe and that no one was suspicious of their mysterious origins. They made their way towards the bar, taking the seats next to Miss Pauling. She was nursing a hard cider drink, while Zhanna had ordered a Mojito with a bowl of corn chips.
"Bartender, give me a spritz," Cyborscout requested, placing a few dollars down. She hoped they had the right currency in this specific place and time period.
A lanky man eyed them for a moment, noticing their unusual attire. "You girls part of a softball team?"
Cyborscout sweatdropped. "Uhh…you could say that."
"We're a minor league one," Iris threw in. "The Scout Gals."
The bartender frowned. "Never heard of them."
He placed the spritz drink down, taking the cash. "Hey hon, you overpaid. Here's ten dollars back."
"Oh...thanks." Cyberscout took the money. Her voice caught Miss Pauling's attention and she spared a glance at her. Upon studying the newcomer's face, there was a niggling feeling of intrigue. She looked vaguely familiar. Her friend did as well, despite the sunglasses hiding her eyes.
Pauling couldn't help but ask, "Hey, you guys from around here?"
Cyborscout paused in her drink. "Um...sorta. We're from out of town."
Miss Pauling nodded, feeling the effects of the alcohol getting to her. She just hoped she could drive back to the base without zig-zagging all over the road.
"You look like someone I know…" she observed, squinting at them.
Cyborscout let out a short, nervous laugh. "Yeah, we get that a lot. Must be a long-lost twin 'sister.'"
Despite getting strange vibes, she decided to introduce herself. "Well, I'm Miss Pauling. And this here is…" She paused. "My friend, Zhanna."
The Russian gave a curt nod. She too noticed their eerie resemblance to one of the mercenaries. Maybe they were relatives?
"I'm Cyborscout."
"And I'm Iris," the girl in white greeted.
Miss Pauling smiled amiably. "Nice to meet you both."
"Is that other friend?" Zhanna asked, pointing at the girl in red. She was now gabbing away and batting her eyes suggestively at the cute guy. In all honesty, it looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but there.
"Oh, the horn dog - I mean, our 'friend' is called Scoutit," Cyborcout replied with a sour note.
"Hmmm…" Miss Pauling picked up the 'scout' part of their names. Coincidence? There was more to this. Sheer curiosity tugged at her psyche now.
"Why do you guys have 'scout' in your name?"
There was an awkward silence. "Well, one of my friends came up with the name. Sorta like a nickname for me. So it stuck. Though my first name is Irene." Cyberscout then glanced over at Scoutit. "She, uh, liked it too. So she came up with her own spin on the word."
Maybe the term wasn't just used in the military. Maybe it was a lingo word in baseball. Still, for some inexplicable reason, they reminded Miss Pauling of Scout, especially in his 'girl' form.
"Are you sisters?" she asked. "All three of you look alike."
Cyborscout was about to deny it when Iris cut in. "Yes! I'm the middle child."
"What? No we're n-!" Cyborscout shot back, before Iris kicked her in the calf from under the bar. "Oh, uh, I mean—of course we're sisters! Thought you'd never ask!"
"And you're the oldest, right?" Miss Pauling guessed.
"Yeah, she's already got gray in her hair," Iris remarked.
"No I don't!" Cyborscout was getting flustered. "Try looking in a mirror yourself and pick out the white strands on your head."
Her friend simply chuckled. "I'll count only two. You'll probably count five hundred of them."
"Shut up!"
Zhanna smiled at the playful banter between them, and said, "I also have sisters. They moved from Siberia a few weeks ago."
"Oh? Where at?" Iris inquired.
"Florida."
They continued chit-chatting for a bit, except Miss Pauling got confused sometimes when the sisters mentioned unfamiliar terms or technology. They didn't even know about the Alamo being moved to a cliff by the late Mann brothers, which was big news all over the US. Have they been living under a rock?
The hard barstool was beginning to hurt her butt. So she decided to go sit at one of the couches for awhile. Miss Pauling chose one near the dance floor and plopped down. Oooh, this felt more like it. Plushy and comfortable. One of the go-go performers sat beside her, a blonde busty lady in a sparkly white dress and knee-high boots. Her hair was bobbed with a white and red hair band topping it off.
"Hey honey, you don't mind?" she said.
Miss Pauling shook her head. The dancer smiled back, twirling a martini glass in her hand. She asked, "Do you ever wonder if you're in the wrong line of work?"
"Umm, what do you mean?" Miss Pauling replied.
"Well, I'm thinking of changing careers," the other woman explained. "I don't exactly fit this whole burlesque scene."
"What do you want to do then?"
"What I really want to do is dissect aliens. I want to go work at Area 51."
Hearing this really didn't surprise the assistant. The Administrator and some other Mann Co. associates had shared a secret tidbit or two about went on at the obscure military facility.
"Well, I say why not?" she held up her drink. "There's always room for a new chapter in your life. Here's to your new career!"
"Cheers!" the other woman raised her glass.
Miss Pauling was soon distracted by Scoutit at the bar's end, who had turned around long enough to thank two elderly ladies upon giving a compliment to her skimpy outfit. Like Cyborscout and Iris, she had the same facial structure and defined nose. Plus, that cocky, self-absorbed grin…
Just like Jeremy.
It's got to be the alcohol making me see funny, she thought.
Meanwhile, the guy that Scoutit was hitting on had snuck away from his seat; he was whispering to a nearby drag king. The she-man nodded with a huge smile, and went over, sitting on the bar stool that he had occupied a minute earlier.
"Ah, thanks grannies! I actually used scissors to cut a triangle in the middle!" Scoutit proudly pointed to her chest with the breasts nearly popping out. "Looks better this way, don't it?"
"Fabulous!" one of the old ladies admired.
"Yes, superb fashion trend!" her friend agreed. "I'll be sure to get one for my granddaughter's birthday."
After they walked off, Scoutit turned back to flirting with the guy. "So pretty young thing, how's about you and me get freaky on the dance floor-"
She stopped dead in her tracks, mouth open. The cute guy was gone. In his place stood a muscle-bound woman dressed as a man in jeans and a black leather vest; complete with a beer belly, beard and hairy arms.
"I've been told you dig Harley-Davidson boys," the drag king cooed.
"Get away from me!" Scoutit backed away in horror.
Cyborscout couldn't help but giggle. Serves you right!
Miss Pauling smiled at the farcical scene, sharing in her mutual amusement. Suddenly, the blonde beside her was yanked backward off the couch by her hair. Another go-go dancer was the cause, dragging her acquaintance to the floor. This one was a petite, angry brunette.
"TABBY, YOU BITCH, HOW DARE YOU!" she yelled down.
"Face it, Marlene, I'm the one he wants!" the blonde sneered back.
Marlene let out an enraged cry, and started attacking Tabby. All Miss Pauling could do was groan with an eye roll at the catty melee ensuing on the ground.
She'd seen her fair share of women fighting over a guy in her family; in high school and college as well, leaving a bad aftertaste with the drama that followed.
"He loves me, you cheap-ass slut!" Tabby yelled, as she wrestled with her coworker.
Zhanna walked away from the bar, with a grunt of disapproval. She bent down, picking up both women by the heads. "Alright, knock it off you two." Then she slammed their heads together, causing Miss Pauling to wince. That would cause a migraine for both parties involved for awhile.
"If you want fight, go settle it outside."
She then unceremoniously dropped them to the ground. Both women were in a daze afterwards, probably seeing stars. A third go-go dancer came bursting through the entrance, holding a blow-up male doll.
"Marlene! Tabby!" she called, pointing to the doll. "He can't decide. He wants both of you."
"Huh?" Miss Pauling was dumbfounded at this bizarre turn of events. They were both in love with a goddamn doll.
Tabby started bawling on the floor. "I thought you loved me, Earl!"
"Please don't cry," the third go-go dancer appealed. "We can talk this out."
Tabby picked herself off from the floor, sniveling and teary-eyed, and sat back on the couch next to Miss Pauling.
Her friend holding the man-doll sat on the other side of her, but still cautiously looking back at Marlene.
"Earl, why do you want that dumb ho?" Tabby demanded.
"You little—" Marlene started towards her, but a fourth dancer managed to hold her back.
"Now girls," the bartender warned. "You start a fight again, and I'm throwing your asses out. You'll be reported to your manager as well."
Miss Pauling tried not to judge often, but she had to admit, there was definitely a screw loose or two with both women vying for the love of a lifeless object. Even Scoutit was looking at them funny.
A few bar customers were snickering at the dancers, probably over their unconventional choice of a lover. Couldn't they just get with a real man?
While the assistant was mulling over it, a sudden movement caught the corner of her eye. She looked down to see a very familiar face peeking out at her under a coffee table – complete with worker's goggles and a hardhat.
"What the-?" she blinked a few times to make it wasn't an illusion. "En—Engineer?"
Without warning, a smaller version of the man with an elongated neck and attached to a blueberry pie, came up to her.
"I'm Piengeer," it said.
Miss Pauling just gawked at the little freak. That's it, there was something in that hard cider.
Her brain had seen enough strange, crazy things in the past four years. It finally had its fill for today and decided to turn in; and so, she fainted. All the while, Cyberscout was watching the whole scene.
There he is! she thought.
Acting quickly, Cyborscout rushed over to the couches to grab the pie-man creature before anyone else noticed. The go-go dancers were too caught up in a petty argument over their two-timing plastic boyfriend to notice anything out of the ordinary. A good thing too.
. . .
Something cold and icy splashed on Miss Pauling's face. Her eyes shot open by the rude awakening. Shaking the water off and lifting her head, she came face to face with Zhanna and Cyborscout. The go-go dancers were gone.
"Uh, you okay there?" Cyborscout asked.
"What happened?" Miss Pauling sat up now, as the other woman handed her a towel to wipe her damp face.
"You were out for a bit."
Then it came back to her – had she really seen a mutated-looking creature that had Engineer's head stuck to a pastry? Not unlike the crazy insect and human head switch from the "The Fly" films?
"Oh man, I think I was hallucinating," Miss Pauling groaned. "I thought I saw one of my friends conjoined with a pie under the table there." She pointed at the coffee table.
"Eh…the drink must've been spiked with drugs," Cyborscout surmised. She cautiously glanced over at Iris and Scoutit sitting at a nearby table.
Zhanna frowned. "Can you make it back to base?"
"I think so…"
"Maybe we should wait here awhile until your head clears up."
As Miss Pauling was trying to make sense at just what the hell happened, Cyborscout walked over to her comrades.
"Is he okay in there?"
Iris patted the knapsack slung to her shoulder. "Yes, he's fine."
"Good. Let's get out of here."
As all three walked passed Miss Pauling and Zhanna, they waved goodbye.
"Nice meeting you," Cyberscout said, smiling amiably. "Hope you feel better!"
Miss Pauling managed to wave at them. "Oh, thanks! B-Bye!"
The dimension travelers then exited the bar, stepping back into the blistery evening cold.
. . .
Cyborscout, Scoutit and Iris walked away from the bar, crossing the street that housed a strip mall. For all their unusual attire, they still blended in somewhat with the regular crowd of night shoppers. They needed to find an inconspicuous place in order to return back through an inter-dimensional portal to their own world.
Iris pointed them in the right direction, an eastern part of town where they had first arrived from the desert. The crowd began thinning away, so now Piegineer wouldn't have to keep quiet for long.
"Is it safe to talk yet?" he asked from the bag.
Iris and the others looked around as they walked down the street, now just several blocks away from the bar. A sleepy drunk lie slumped over a building. A few cars drove by, but other than that, this area of town was mostly vacant.
"Yes, there's not that many people out here," Iris confirmed.
"Okay, look here, gals. I'm sorry for breaking the temporal laws."
"You should be," Cyberscout replied, perturbed. If it weren't for him escaping to this parallel plane of existence, none of them would have risked their necks coming here just to retrieve him. She wouldn't have to put up with Scoutit, either.
"And for scaring the Misses in purple," Piegineer continued.
"Miss Pauling?" Cyberscout asked.
"Yep."
"Ahh, you're just a friendly cutie patootie," Scoutit reassured the half man/half pie.
"It wasn't smart to show yourself in public when you knew what the consequences would be," Cyborscout chided. "Especially in a foreign world like this. If anyone else saw you, they either would've freaked out, called pest control or try to eat you. Don't do it again."
"I got yah," Piegineer agreed, remorseful. "But shucks, she was pretty as a peach."
"What about me?" Scoutit demanded. "I'm hotter than that nerdy-looking bimbo!"
"No you're not," Piegineer denied.
"Alright, that's it! You ain't gettin' a bangin' from me!"
"Since when did I ever want one from you?"
"That's enough now," Iris calmly cut in. "Let's just get back to our world before we draw suspicion from the denizens here."
"Right," Cyborscout agreed. All three finally reached the edge of the little town.
"I'm scared, gals." Piegineer was shaking in the knapsack. "What if he comes back?"
Now Scoutit looked very troubled, her heart rhythm speeding up. "Please don't mention that thing."
Iris put a comforting hand on Piegineer's head. "It's alright. We won't let anything happen to you."
"You can trust us," Cyborscout threw in.
Piegineer was sad. "I'm so defenseless. I wish had super powers like you gals."
"Major Scout Guy and Drunk Monk are working on that," Iris explained. "That way, Painis Cupcake won't eat you again."
"Uhgh!" Scoutit involuntarily jumped. "I told ya not to mention IT!"
Cyborscout raised an eyebrow, smirking. "Looks like the village nymphomaniac is scared of the big, bad cannibal soldier. Not even Heat Mode could save you."
She recalled the brutal battle Scoutit had with another TF2 freak, Painis Cupcake. She was trying to save her friend, Ass Pancakes, from being literally devoured (again), but it was all in vain. Painis was just too powerful in his Uber charged state – she and Ass Pancakes ended up being painfully nommed to death before they were resurrected in a respawn room at Banana Bay Island. They only managed to evade his wrath once more by hiding under a blanket of bananas in a large bin.
Though, Cyborscout realized Painis Cupcake wasn't truly evil. He just possessed an unholy appetite.
"You don't have to rub it in," Scoutit shot back, folding her arms and sulking. "Just because you've never got eaten by that creepy bastard."
Ignoring her, Cyborscout told the little pie man, "Now, if we're able to grant you some awesome, kick-ass powers, you promise not to run away again to another dimension?"
Piegineer looked down, apprehensive. "I'll try not to. It's just that I'm afraid he'll show up again."
"We'll keep you at Cyboneer's lab," Iris suggested. "Nothing could penetrate his quarters there. Telrospy can take care of you too. Scombine and Soldine already volunteered to defend the base."
"Also, Polite Spy and Intelligent Heavy are trying to convince Painis not to eat unwilling people." Cyborscout paused. "Unless it's of their own choice. You get suicidal ones and batshit thrill seekers every now and then."
"Thank you, darlings." Piegineer let out a little yawn, curling into a ball. "I do feel safer with ya'll around."
"You might also want to consider staying in normal form more," Iris suggested. "People seeing a pie, even with a human head on it, it still tempting to eat."
Piegineer finally relented. "Okay, ya'll right. I wouldn't be stuck in this form if it wasn't for that dag nabbit Magic Mann. Glad the troublemaker got his comeuppance. Too bad he ain't around so we could get him to restore my transformation powers."
"We'll find a way. Medizard just discovered Magic Mann's diary. He told me there's several incantations in there that can reverse his spells. But it has to be recited by a wizard, otherwise, it won't work. Lucky for us we got the good doctor. You may not be stuck as a pie for long."
"Mmmm, pie," Scoutit teased. "I just might want a piece of you. Blueberry's my favorite."
"No!" Piegineer protested.
"Leave him alone," Cyberscout commanded.
The red-clad vixen only smirked, but said nothing more as Iris lifted up one of her gauze-wrapped hands. Turning it over to face the night sky, a luminous white ball appeared over her palm. A moment later, a swirling portal to their own world opened up.
Her extraordinary powers were a rare and powerful ability that only the most moral could possess. Otherwise, it could fall into the wrong hands and be abused across many dimensions of existence. And so, they all returned their own world, atleast before Piegineer had a chance to change his mind and escape again.
Later on, out in the desert road…
Zhanna was at the wheel of the car, while Miss Pauling was in the passenger's side, pouting a bit. The Russian still didn't trust that the assistant was okay from passing out again. Or witnessing crazy, strange versions of a mercenary only a person high on LSD would see.
After reluctantly agreeing to let her drive, Miss Pauling just hoped her partner wouldn't crash the car or drive like a wild maniac on the road. So far, she was keeping up a steady pace.
After some silence, Zhanna spoke up. "You know those three women at bar?"
"Yeah?"
"They remind me of your little Scout. I wonder if they are related. Or if is coincidence."
The assistant shrugged. "Who knows?"
Still, she considered it. Miss Pauling wouldn't be surprised if they were some distant relatives of the bat-happy slugger. Maybe ones he didn't know about. Or never spoke of. Spy came to mind, after all…
. . .