A/N- Collaboration project with new recruit, JustExistingAsMe! Written in alternating paragraphs.
Coleman was running late for work. It was a total nightmare for him. He lost track of the time while he was having a nap.
His Sister Betty had finally found a boyfriend after looking for the past ten years, and as a dutiful older brother, he had no choice but to arrange a meeting at the local coffee shop to ensure that the man, whoever the suspicious fellow was, was trustworthy enough for his sister's heart. Part of him wondered also what kind of man would even decide to date Betty in the first place, as she was far too feisty for the average man and he knew first hand that a punch from her fist felt like trying to headbutt Mike Tyson's boxing glove. He hoped to the lord that it would not be some equally frightening man, but just in case, he had brought along Uncle Ball (Betty's best friend these days now that Coleman was often out of the country), who he thought should have a bit more beefiness to withstand physical attacks.
Two of them started to wait for that guy in the coffee shop. Coleman couldn't stop thinking about him. He really wondered what kind of person he was. He asked Ball about it too but Ball couldn't answer him too. Hours passed but no one came. Coleman and Ball started to get angry a little bit. Coleman started to think that this was just a waste of time.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Betty strode in, quickly running to the table where Coleman and Ball were sitting and apologising profusely for the delays. They were hardly impressed, but were willing to let it slide as Betty was the junior to both of them. They however were astonished when a bald headed man wearing monk uniform and whose eyes were so long they seemed to be closed walked in, carrying a cactus awkwardly in one arm and a cakebox in another.
Coleman looked at the man and his sister blankly. He was clearly disappointed. He thought "At least he knows about her likes" Ball started talking: "Hello, sir. How are you doing?" Coleman and Ball didn't know what to say at all. The man answered: "Okay. What about you?" Ball smiled at him "I'm fine too. Please, have a seat." He sit to the chair that Ball shoved. All of them stayed silent for a while.
"So..." Coleman coughed. "Ehm, Betty, is this your boyfriend?"
Betty and the monk looked at him very bizarrely. Well, only really Betty as the monk did not seem to be able to open his eyes to any visible level. They did not seem willing to provide an answer so Ball saw fit to come into the conversation.
"When did you start dating?"
The monk frowned, and then shook his head. "It appears there has been a misunderstanding. I am a celibate monk and I am most certainly not in a romantic relationship with Betty here."
Betty nodded fervently. "Yes… he is my priest!"
Coleman proceeded to drop his glass to the floor.
"You said... you were no longer single!" Betty furrowed her eyebrows.
"Uh, when did I say that?"
"When we called and you told me to come here."
"SINFUL. I said I was no longer SINFUL. Not single. This Monk Hayato is teaching me in the noble ways of the Cactus Goddess."
"..."
"Why in the world am I even surprised? I can't believe I missed my work because of this." Coleman immediately left after saying that. The rest of them were speechless. Ball wanted to break the silence: "So what are his ways?"
The monk roared and punched the table, smashing it even though it was made of pure solid marble! Ball jumped.
"The cactus fist! We punch for justice in the ways of the Cactus God and or Goddess." His expression turned dark.
"You may want to call your friend back. You see, my spines have told me that if he does not convert today then his son will be cactus punched- by a green range rover!"
Betty gasped and threw a hand to her mouth dramatically, before immediately dialling Coleman. After informing him of the situation none of the adults were really surprised to see that Coleman showed back up immediately in a sweat.
"Is Isaac okay?!" he asked, panicking.
And the monk laughed because Coleman's love for his son was too easy to manipulate.
"How the hell does this guy knows about my son anyway?"
Betty answered Coleman's question: "I told him."
"BUT WHY?"
"Because he wanted to know about our family." Coleman sit back to his chair.
"What happened to the table? We have to pay for it now."
Ball: "You don't wanna know."
"Betty, did you ever ask this guy the reason he wanted to know about our family? What if he does something to my son? My literal only reason to live. My-"
Ball wanted to end this conversation quickly: "Okay- let's not talk about that. It was nice to meet you, sir."
"-NO, IT WASN'T"
"-YOU MUST CONVERT."
"Wait what-"
The monk showed a picture of Isaac being hit by a green truck. Except it was clearly photoshopped and it was still from Isaac's orange jumper phase. Ball swore he would lose it if Coleman fell for that-
"NOOOO!" -He had fallen for it.
"We the Cactus monks can revive your son."
"I WILL DO ANYTHING!"
"CACTUS PUNCH THE TABLE" Coleman punched the remaining part of the table and screamed in pain as his fingers bent ninety degrees.
"Now, to finish your conversion, you must stick your eyelashes together with superglue." "But… won't I be blind after shutting my eyes like that?"
"You have no choice, or your son will be left to his fate."
"I'LL DO IT!"
-And that was how a blind Coleman went on his way home to Isaac with his eyes superglued shut and smashing into several lampposts as Ball guided him with the hand which had not been broken from punching the table.
"Uh… dad what's going on?" Isaac was confused.
"It's a long story, kid. I was going to take him to the hospital but he wanted to check up on you before that. You wanna come?"
"Okay. But you will tell me what happened."
"ISAAC- I CAN'T SEE YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T GET CACTUS PUNCHED BY A GREEN RANGE ROVER RIGHT?"
"..."
"I will tell you as soon as I can."
A/N Welcome to the community, Melon! We are honoured to have you and I am sorry to force you to write this garbage but I promise you you will produce better works in time.