Shady Pines Nursing Home was nice as far as nursing homes went. A big, white three story building with marble columns and big front windows that were always warmly lit, it resembled a Southern plantation home or a Greek place of power. It sat on ten acres of well maintained land south of Royal Woods, its foundation trimmed with red flowers. A horseshoe drive looped around a large brass fountain and out back, three acres of gardens provided a bright and cheerful place for the seniors to walk, sit in their wheelchairs if they weren't ambulatory, and to play games like checkers and cards. To make their poker games a little more interesting, some of the men wagered bits of food from their tray or personal items like alarm clocks, radios, and articles of clothing. This was frowned upon by the staff, but not actively enforced. There weren't enough nurses and CNAs to police every action.
Even before the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020-2022, nursing homes across the country were short staffed. The work was hard and physically demanding, and the pay was minuscule at best. CNAs - certified nursing assistants - made barely above minimum wage and did the lion's share of the dirty work. They moved immobile patients, cleaned up after accidents, and handled almost every aspect of front facing care. No one wanted to do the work anymore and who could blame them? No one wanted to break their back - quite literally - for less money than it took to scrape by on, especially when the work was so hard. The nurses didn't have to lift 500 pound men out of bed or give sponge baths to entire wards. They passed out medication and only came around when they were absolutely needed.
As bad as it was now, it would only get worse in the future. The population of the United States was declining. People were having fewer children (and often later in life), and the numbers of new births weren't high enough to entirely replace the numbers of old deaths. There would come a time, a few decades down the road perhaps, when the old vastly outnumbered the young. There would be fewer people to care for all the ancient Gen Xers and Millenials (and maybe the very last of the boomers). Places like Shady Pines would be hard hit - more patients, fewer staff. The country overall would be hard hit as there would be fewer working age people to support a massive population of gray heads. Another possible side effect of the whole mess was an increase in autism.
Autism is more likely to occur in children born to older parents. As Americans increasingly put off having children, the number of autistic people would inevitably climb. The majority of the autistic people born would likely adjust and live as normal a life as you could expect of anyone - work, taxes, maybe relationships and children - but there would be more people with severe autism who needed intensive care. Add that to the number of the old and infirm, and you have even fewer people in the workforce. Surely a lot of those autistic people would never marry or reproduce - they'd spend their lives on the internet bitching about pointless shit in cartoons like their name was Chris Chan - so that would compound matters.
That, of course, was only speculation. Maybe things would turn out better. Maybe things plateau and keep an even keel. It sure looked like the future was bleak but you can never really tell until you get there.
Anyway, for now, Shady Pines was short staffed. Most of the CNAs worked the second floor, where the patients who required more care were housed. There were two wards, one for general admission and one for patients with mental disorders - Alzheimer's, dementia etc. That ward was the most challenging to work in as the patients were often aggressive and attacked staff members regularly. Many of them also required total round the clock care as they couldn't do much of anything for themselves.
On the first floor, there were another two wards. One for assisted living, and the other for "retirement." The people in the assisted living wing generally needed help to get around but were not as bad off as the people upstairs. They could care for themselves up to a point and lived in little apartments. If they needed a CNA or a nurse, they would push a call button, and one would come to help them. If they didn't, they were free to live their lives and partake in the community activities where able. On the retirement wing, everyone was…normal, for lack of a better term. They were slow and stiff because they were old, maybe, but by and large they were just as capable of caring for themselves as anyone else. They chose to live at Shady Pines for their own reasons.
For Albert Loud, that reason was money.
Before moving to Shady Pines, he and his wife Myrtle lived in a 55+ trailer park near Daytona Beach, Florida. The trailers there were all nice and richly appointed - none of that hillbilly shit - and the people were friendly. There was a clubhouse for parties and bingo nights, a gym, a pool, and a little library where you could just take a book. You didn't even have to return it if you didn't want to, but most people did. It's a cliche for old people to move to Florida, Albert realized, but he had wanted to live there since a trip he and the family took there in 1992. It was February, the dead of winter back in Royal Woods, and the temps in Florida were around eighty degrees during the day and sixty at night. Albert loved it and planned to move there as soon as possible, but things always got in the way. It wasn't until he was old and retired that he was finally able to pull up stakes and head south. He figured that was true of most old farts who wound up in the sunshine state. They couldn't when they were younger, but now that they were retired and their kids were grown, they finally had the means and the freedom to make the change.
Albert and Mrytle lived in Florida for almost five years. They ate breakfast at the same diner every morning, took long walks on the beach, and spent quiet evenings at home on the porch. It was, perhaps, a stereotypical old person's existence, but it suited them just fine.
Then things changed.
With COVID-19 and the economic fallout, rents in the area skyrocketed. They could no longer comfortably afford their trailer and had to downsize to a scummy apartment on a bad street. They were there for a few more years, but eventually, they couldn't afford that place either. Lynn and Rita offered to let them move into their basement and even though neither Albert nor Mrytle liked the idea, they had no other choice. Lynn, Lynn Jr., and Lana fixed the basement up as best they could, and Albert and Mrytle moved in.
They tried to make the best of it, but having to move in with your grown children is a shame that you just can't live with. You can, Albert supposed, but he couldn't. He was a proud man who worked hard his entire life and never took charity or handouts. He earned everything he had and felt really uncomfortable when he was in someone else's debt. Lynn and Rita meant well, but this was their home, their life, and Albert couldn't stand intruding. Since rents were cheaper in the area he and Mrytle looked around. Much to their shock, they couldn't afford even the cheaper rent. Once upon a time, Royal Woods was an inexpensive place to live and raise a family, but now a days, the cost of living was insane. He could see why so many young people were pissed off and didn't want to work anymore. Why would they?
In their search for a space of their own, Albert and Mrytle came across Shady Pines. The rent there was extremely cheap and their insurance company would help to pay for them to live there. They went on a tour of the place and were both surprised at home nice the apartments on the first floor were. They were each oned bedroom with a full kitchen and living room. The walls were wood paneled and the carpets were a mature and sedate forest green color. There were brass fixtures and a sliding glass door that opened onto a private patio overlooking the hedge maze. They talked it over with Lynn and Rita and decided to take it.
Albert and Mrytle were both sixty five when they moved into the apartment and they vowed to stay there for the rest of their lives. Neither one thought that that would be very long - surely no more than ten years - but they were still there twenty years later. They were both eighty five and in extremely good health for their age. Albert's prostate bothered him some and he had to piss ten times more than the average person throughout the day, but he was grateful that his biggest problem was so relatively minor. His doctor said he was "healthy as a horse" and expected him to live well past a hundred. As long as his health held out, Albert didn't mind that prospect. If his body and mind started to fail him and he had to move upstairs, however, he prayed for a speedy death. There's nothing wrong with being old, but frail and ill? Screw that. The day he had to wear a diaper like a little baby was the day he used his old .38 as a pacifier.
Luckily, that wasn't a concern for right now. Albert and Mrytle both perfered to live in the moment, to take things one day at a time. At their age, that was the only way to live. Once you hit a certain age, time has a funny way of speeding up on you. A year felt like a day to Albert. He looked back on things that happened ten years ago and was always shocked that a whole decade had elapsed. He was even more shocked by the fact that a decade wasn't a very long time. Hell, even two decades wasn't all that long. He had memories stretching back eighty plus years at this point, forty years was nothing.
He and Mrytle followed roughly the same schedule every day, though they liked to pretend they were young and wild sometimes, so they changed it up. They had breakfast in the dining hall attached to the ward, leisurely eating and chatting with their friends. Next, they sat in the richly appointed dayroom and watched TV or read. One of the residents brought in an ancient Playstation 2 and Albert had discovered that he fucking loved the Grand Theft Auto games. His favorite was the one where you play as the colored fella and get to gangbang all over the hood. Albert liked putting himself in the role of gangsta and pulling drivebys on his ops. Fuck the Ballas, purple ass wearin' niggas. He was Grove Street for life. In the afternoon, after watching a little TV or clapping rival gang members, he and Mrytle took a walk around the grounds. From there, they either joined in on one of the many activities the facility offered or went into town for lunch. They usually went to Lynn's Table; the food was lousy but they ate for free and got to see some of their grandkids, so it was okay.
Spending time with his grandchildren was one of the things Albert looked forward to the most. Every couple days, the kids would come to see them in dribs and drabs, two here, three there, Lincoln came by twice a week to take Albert fishing - one of his favorite pastimes - and Leni was constantly making brother Albert and Mrytle clothes, hats, and mittens, which she would drop off every Monday. Out of all the grandkids, they saw Lily the most.
Twenty-one, almost twenty-two, Lily worked as a CNA at Shady Pines, a job that Albert and Mrytle helped her get. They were friendly with the managing director (who had been in his position now for almost nineteen years) and when Lily applied, Albert asked him to "Give her a chance." She was fresh out of high school and going to the community college in town; she needed a job that she could do after classes. She was hired immediately but had to take a six week training course before she could start; everyone taking the course was paid as if they were working, because technically they were. Though she was girlish and petite at 5'5 and 105 pounds, she proved to be physically strong, lifting heavy residents with little help. Even better, she had a strong stomach. She could handle blood, shit, and throw up no problem,. Albert was friendly with many of the staff members who came and went over the years and had been upstairs many times to visit friends who had moved up from the first floor as their health failed, so he knew what CNAs dealt with. Even on a good day, the second floor smelled of age and stale bodily fluids.
It smelled like a nursing home.
He hated it and an hour up there had him wanting to vomit. Lily never complained about the smell or the work. In fact, she quickly gained a reputation among the residents as a fun and engaging jokester who loved to make her charges smile. She treated everyone under her care the way she treated her own grandparents and got so close to many of the residents that she would come in to see them on her days off. She was also known to smuggle in things from the outside, like food. It was against the rules but if one of her favorite residents wanted a triple deluxe supreme from Burpin' Burger, by God, they were going to get it.
Albert was proud of her and was sure that if she worked hard and put her mind to it, she could one day become the facility's director of nurses, if she so chose to. And she just very well might. Every day before leaving she stopped by and sat in the living room of Albert and Mrytle's little apartment for a visit, and during many of their conversations, she had revealed that she wasn't sure yet what she wanted to do with her life. She was still young and the word brimmed with possibilities. She could be anything she wanted and do anything she wanted. Albert remembered that feeling, it was great. He was happy with the way his life had turned out but no matter what path in life you take, it's never as good as what might be. It was like Christmas morning. There are all these pretty packages under the tree and they could be anything…everything. Once you opened them, you were always a little disappointed, no matter how great the gifts were or how much you appreciate them. Reality can never really live up to the vague and half formed expectations we cook up in our own minds. We might not know ourselves what we want but we know we want it.
A few months after Lily started at Shady Pines, she came by one day after work, dressed in baggy pink scrubs and a floral print jacket. A laminate name badge was pinned to her chest and she wore a lanyard around her neck. Her blonde hair was pulled back from her forehead in a messy clump and she looked tired, but bubbly, as always. There was one thing strange about her, however, that gave Albert pause.
There was an ugly bruise on the side of her face, three purple welts that looked suspiciously like they had been left by knuckles. "What happened to you?" Albert asked, his voice edged with concern.
She laughed and waved him off. "It was an accident. I was helping a woman out of bed and she freaked out thinking I was going to drop her. She started flailing her arms and…" she tapped her fist to the side of her face and clicked her tongue.
Albert had no reason to disbelieve her. She was her normal happy self and there was no hint that anything untoward had happened, so he took her at her word. It was easy to get hurt in her line of work, and residents did often hit staff members, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
That explained the bruise on Lily's face, but not the bruises on the other grandkids. That week, most of them came to visit at one point or another, and, Albert noticed, each one of them had their own markings. Luan had a red ring around her neck that made it look like she had been throttled; Lincoln had a black eye; Leni was missing a patch of hair; and Luna's arm was in a sling. It didn't take Albert long to put things together: They had a fight. When they were kids, they were always getting into scraps with each other, often over the dumbest shit. They were kids, after all, so they'd turn an argument over who got to watch TV first into an epic battle royale.
The strangest thing about the whole affair was that when they were all togehter, they seemed…happy, closer, as though nothjing had happened and they were the best of friends. Usually after a knock down, drag out brawl such as the one they must have had, things were tense. They didn't speak to one another and when they were in the same room, there was a noticeable chill in the air. Not so this time. They all met up at Lynn's Table for dinner on Sunday afternoon and they were chatting, laughing, and hanging on each other like they were lifelong pals. Albert pointed that out to Mrytle later on and she agreed. "They do seem closer," she said. "Growing up will do that to you."
She was right, Albert knew. Siblings are usually bitter rivals in their early years but bosom buddies as adults. It was the same way with Albert and his own siblings. When they were kids, they were constantly at each other's throats and couldn't stand one another. By their twenties, they were on more amicable terms. By the end of their fortes, they got together once a week to drink, laugh, and reminisce about the good old days, which weren't all that good when you got right down to it. They weren't bad either, come to think of it. They were times. There were good times, bad times, and times that weren't much of anything.
Myrtle was right but he still had the sneaking suspicion that something strange was going on with his grandkids. That was compounded when the same thing happened eight months later. They all showed up with bruises and acted super sweet with each other. Albert watched this closely this time, waiting for it to happen again. Six more months later, it did.
This is what he noticed. Over that six month period, they slowly drifted apart, their bond seeming to weaken and their attitudes toward one another slowly but surely changing. They went from holding hands to being testy when they spoke to each other. The dayLily came to visit with a black eye and a split bottom lip, Albert knew that they would be close again, and they were. The sudden change in attitude was so swift and so total that it was jarring. Just the other day Luan and Lori were sniping at one another, trading thinly veiled insults about failed comedy careers and unhappy marriages to illegal aliens. Now they were complimenting each other.
What the heck was going on here?
Albert tried to figure it out on his own through a little old fashion detective work, but when he followed Lily home on foot, he got tired, sat down on a bench by a duck pond, and fell asleep. He tailed Luan in a car but lost her when he had to make a pit stop to empty his bladder. He walked to Lincoln's house, but somehow wound up playing checkers and eating hard candy outside the barbershop. He finally asked Lynn and Rita if they knew what was up, but they were both clueless/
Finally, left with no other choice, he sat Lily down on one of her post work afternoon visits and asked her outright. "Every couple of months, you guys come in here looking like something the cat dragged in and you're so happy with each other. It's kind of strange."
Lily uttered a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, it is kind of strange, I guess."
Albert arched his eyebrow.
"I don't guess. It is strange."
She said nothing further and Albert had to nudge her. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
Lily hesitated, looking unsure, then drew a deep sigh. Unable to meet his gaze, she stared down at her lap as she spoke. "It's kind of extra and I don't think you'd understand."
"Try me," Albert said.
With a deep, fortifying breath, Lily began to tell him her story.
And a shocking one it was.
She and the others, she told him, would, once or twice a year, rent a cabin on a lake and "vent" their frustrations - with life in general and each other in particular - by holding gladiator-style battles between them. All of the year's grievances would come out in a flurry of kicks, punches, and strong language. It was a way to settle old scores so that they could reset their relationships and begin anew. Lily likened it to letting out a satisfying fart, saying "It's not healthy to keep it all bottld up inside of you. You have to let it out, preferably in a safe and controlled environment."
From the looks of her battered face, there was nothing safe about it.
Despite cringing at the marks on her face, Albert was slightly amused by the whole thing. A rugged and perhaps not entirely sane part of him could the logic in her reasoning. One thing he had learned in this life is that it really isn't healthy to bottle up your emotions…or to beat around the bush. Albert was usually direct but there are times when you have to be diplomatic and let small transgressions slide. If you're not careful, all of those dark vibes will accumulate and crush you under their combined weight.
When she was finished, he thoughtfully stroked his chin. "That's crazy," Mrytle said with a touch of horror. "Look at your face, you look like you lost a fight with Muhammad Ali."
A big, beaming smile touched Lily's lips. "You should see Leni. Her nose was crooked when I got done with her. She got me good but I got her even better."
Myrtle pressed her hand to her mouth, which hung agape, and Albert couldn't help but snicker at his wife's reaction. "I don't know, Mert," he said, "they might be onto something here. Like that green guy said, better out than in."
Lily nodded vigorously. "It's really good to clear the air every once in a while."
"With your fists?" Myrtle asked.
That made Lily laugh. "Is there any other way?"
"I'd kind of like to see this whole crazy thing in action," Albert said honestly, then turned to his wife. "Wouldn't you?"
"No," she said emphatically. "It's horrible."
"It's not as bad as it sounds," Lily assured her. "No one has ever gotten hurt. I mean really hurt. Unless you could small fractures, a few dislocations, and a Lana on Lola choking incident."
One corner of her mouth curled up in a half smile as she spoke, as though she were relating favorite childhood memories and not acts of domestic violence. "I guess if you're responsible about it," Albert said. The more he thought about it, the less bizarre it seemed to him. People boxed, wrestled, and fought for fun all the time, this wasn't much different. And if it truly helped bring the kids closer together - which is really seemed to do - then what was the harm? Hell, come to think of it, when he was in the navy, he and his buddies used to hold fights below deck. They'd all get together and beat the crap out of each other, they'd even take bets. Albert made a lot of money by whipping guys. He also lost a lot of being whipped by guys. It was all in good fun and he had fond memories of it.
"The next time you go out to that cabin," he said, "I want to come."
Mrytle shot him a distressed look. "Oh, Al."
"What?" he asked. "It sounds like fun. Maybe we can even join in."
"You're almost eighty six," she pointed out.
"So?" Albert asked with a trace of slight indignation.
"You're way too old for that."
Of all the things Albert didn't want to hear, "you're too old" was at the very tip top of the list. He knew his age well enough but he still resented being treated like a fragile old man who couldn't do anything for fear of breaking his hip. He was slower than he used to be, his joints were stiff and sore sometimes, and he had to pee a lot more than a man half his age, but that didn't mean he was incapable, some decrepit geezer who couldn't participate in life anyore. Yes, he was an old man, he wasn't ashamed of that fact and he didn't pretend to be young and "with it" anymore - he was eighty five, of course he was going to be out of touch - but he wasn't dead yet.
Maybe it was pride, maybe it was something else, but he decided then and there that he was going to be a part of the kids' next smackdown getaway. "I'm doing it," he declared.
Mrytle drew a heavy sigh. "I'll go too, I suppose," she said.
"Great," Lily said, "I'll tell the others."
Since they had just come back from one of their ahem excursions, Albert would have to wait a while for the next one. He expected to have to wait a full year, but in six months, everyone was at each other's throats again. He knew it was coming soon and patiently waited for the word. It finally came one day in August, during the middle of one of the worst heatwaves Michigan had ever seen. The temperatures hovered around the 100 mark during the day and the humidity was so bad that going outside would reduce you to a greasy puddle of sweat in five minutes flat. It was fitting that the kids would reach their breaking point under such conditions. Everyone was hot, miserable, and wanted to kill each other over the slightest infraction. Albert himself had been pretty cranky over the past couple weeks. Even with the A/C on full blast and all the curtains heavily closed against the midday sun, the apartment was uncomfortably hot. Because of the extreme heat, energy usage in the area was had skyrocketed, and there had been a few brown outs since the whole sorry mess began.
He was sitting on the couch and playing solitaire on his laptop when a knock came at the door. Mrytle was in the kitchen making them a late lunch of sandwiches and pasta salad, so she went to answer it.
It was Lily.
"We're going this weekend," she told them.
"To the cabin?" Albert asked.
"No, to Mars," Lily snapped. "Yes, to the cabin." She must have seen a look of disapproval on his face, for she sighed and sank onto the Ottoman. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get nasty, it's just this heat. It's killing me."
Albert closed his laptop. Nothing of value was lost; he was losing anyway. "It'll do that to you," he said. "When are we leaving?"
"Friday evening," Lily said. "I'll come by and pick you up."
"How long should be we pack for?" Albert asked.
"Two, three days," she said. "Most of us are taking Monday off, so we'll probably leave Monday afternoon. It's not too far to the cabin."
"Alright," Albert said. "We'll be ready."
On Thursday night, he and Mrytle each packed a bag. They brought clothes, towels, sunscreen, and their medication in Ziploc baggies. They brought along a few other sundries, expecting to have a little time on the lake. Albert loved to swim, even though it left him feeling sore after twenty minutes, and Mrytle was a fan of sun tanning. Lily said nothing about bonfires, but Albert liked them and planned to build one on the beach fronting the cabin, so he packed chocolate bars, graham crackers, and marshmallows in his bag.
That night, he and Mrytle had hot, sloppy old person sex; he drilled her so hard that powder came out, and his big finish was a single little squirt of gray haired swimmers forty years past their prime. The three minute work out exhausted the both of them and they lapsed into a deep, semi comatose sleep from which they woke at the shockingly late hour of 7am. They had breakfast in the dining room and visited with some of their friends. They were both excited for the upcoming vacation and were at the edge of their metaphorical seats the entire day. At 4pm, Lily knocked on the door and they all left in Lily's tiny car. "These things keep getting smaller and smaller every year," Albert groused from the passenger seat.
"They also get slower," Lily pointed out. "Climate law."
Yeah, well, give it a few more years and people would be driving around with sails on their cars, catching errant gusts of wind and hoping to reach their destination in a fortnight.
Everyone else planned to make it to the cabin at their leisure, leaving directly from work, school, or whatever else they had going on. Lily took the I-212 onramp and piloted the car north. Soon, the town of Royal Woods fell away and rolling farmland took its place. The trees were all a thirsty shade of dark green and a haze of dust screened the air like smoke on a Civil War battlefield. The sun blazed high in the heavens and heat shimmered on the pavement like water. Lily's A/C didn't work very well, so after a while, they rolled the windows down. The air was sandpaper against Albert's face, and in ten minutes he weas flushed, sweaty, and miserable.
He also had to pee.
They stopped at a gas station near Lava Falls for bathroom breaks and to buy snacks. Albert got a prune juice smoothie from the fountain inside and bought a pack of circus peanuts. He fucking loved circus peanuts, even if they were an old person's candy.
Back in the car, they got back on the highway and finished the last leg of the journey to the cabin. It sat on a slight hill overlooking the sun dappled lake. Albert was mildly surprised to see Vanzilla sitting out front. "Mom and Dad decided to come along this year."
In addition to them, Bobby and Sam, Lori and Luna's respective lovers, was joining the fun this year. The older siblings brought all of their kids - Lori, Leni, Luna, and Luan. Luna and Sam's was adopted, Luan's was barely a year old, and the others were between three and eight. Everyone was already inside and mingling when Lily, Albert, and Mrytle walked in. The kids ran through the house like psychos and a stack of pizza boxes sat on the counter, red solo cups dotting every surface. Everyone was pleasantly surprised to see Albert and Mrytle; Lily hadn't told them that she was bringing them so it was kind of a shock to see them there. "I thought you two didn't know anything about this," Albert said to Lynn and Rita.
"He didn't," Rita said, "I did but I decided to keep it a secret." She laughed. "We can't tell everyone about our little fight club."
"The first rule of fight club is don't talk about fight club," Lynn Jr. said.
"I'm not exactly sure how this works and I just wanted to see how it all works," Lynn Sr. said.
"Same here," Albert said. "I'm kind of excited for it, to be honest with you."
Albert expected the festivities to commence immediately, but that first day at the cabin turned out to be a relaxed family reunion of sort. They all went down to the lake and spent the last few hours of daylight enjoying the water. There was a pool at Shady Pines so Albert could swimg whenever he wanted, but he rarely ever used it because of his sciatica. After a while, his back and leg would start hurting and he would have to get out before he wanted to, which was a real bummer, as the kids say. It had been months, maybe even longer, since he had committed to aquatic fun, and even though he onlyu went into the lake for a second (staying mainly close to shore and helping the little ones), the water was clear, cold, and refreshing. It was significantly cooler up here than it was in Royal Woods, and the air tasted sweet, free from pollution and all the other crap you get from living close to other people.
Half of the reason everyone felt so good after coming back from a weekend here, Albert was convinced, was because of the thise things he had just mentioned. It would be hard to stay mad and uptight after spending a weekend in such glorious conditions.
As the last of the feeble purple light drained from the sky, Albert and Lynn Sr. build a fire on the beach, and everyone sat around to roast marshmallows. There was a certain, unavoidable tension in the air and the grandchildren seemed impatient with one another. Albert expected something major to happen, but they kept their composure. Just before midnight, Albert dumped a bucket of water on the fire and have a big, back popping stretch. "I'm pretty tired," he said, "I think I'm going to turn in."
He said that for two reasons. One, he was genuinely tired and wanted to go to bed, and two, he wanted to prod the others and see if they were going to do their gladiator fight tonight. Everyone wished him a goodnight, however, so he figured that all of that would come tomorrow.
Together, he and Mrytle retired to their little room off the main living area. The decor was simple and rustic and the bed was one of those old spring mattresses that poked you whenever you moved. Albert and Mrytle talked a little before falling asleep. Both of them were impatient to see how things went. She told him up front that she wanted no part in the actual fighting, which he understood. She was more frail than he was, and if someone so much as looked at her too aggressively, her hip bone would shatter like a piece of brittle glass. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to actively participate either. He understood and respected the logic behind his grandkids' rational but what was he going to do? Punch one of his granddaughters in the face? Heavens no, and why would he? He wasn't angry or upset with any of them. He wasn't smarting or simmering with rage over anything they had done to him. Maybe one or two of them would be mad at him for some reason. Maybe they'd want to fight him. If so…he'd go along with it, but they should be warned, he might be old but he wasn't no bitch.
With that thought firmly in mind, Albert fell asleep.
The next morning, he was up at his usual time of 6:30. Lynn and Rita were up and making pancakes in the kitchen, and Lori and Bobby were sitting on the couch, talking about their mortgage. Lori snapped at him that they needed to pay it but he waved her off. "We need that camper," he said. "We'll be okay."
She sighed. "Whatever."
Lynn and Rita similarly bickered. Rita said Lynn was using too much flour and he accused her of burning "half the batch." The tension Albert had noticed in the air last night was back, and oppressive too. It was hard to take a deep breath, and he was sure that if he squinted, he would be able to see it like a haze of smoke. Everyone slowly woke up and came out, sitting around the dining room table. Breakfast was served and they ate in tense silence. After it was over, Rita brought out a jug of whiskey and poured everyone a drink. "We're going to get started soon," she said.
Myrtle agreed to take the kids to a nearby Chuckie Cheese while everyone else stayed back and did their thing. She did this mainly because she herself didn't want to be around when the madness broke loose. Last night she told Albert that she regretted coming and that she "didn't know" if she could sit by and watch as everyone "hurt" each other. Albert couldn't blame her. The closer it came to "go time" the more nervous he became. This was insane. It seemed like a good idea when he was days and miles away, but right now, standing on the cusp of it, he was having second thoughts.
After Mrytle took the kids and left, everyone started drinking hard. Albert had a cup of whiskey mixed with soda and watched as the first bout of the day began. Lynn Sr. and Lincoln stood unsteadily in the living room, face to face. "You never had time for me as a kid," Lincoln said to his father. "You did more stuff with the girls than you did with me."
Lynn Sr. glared. "You've been bitching about that for years. I gave you all equal time. You just have a fucking victim complex. The moment things don't go exactly the way you want them to, you cry like a little bitch." He jabbed his finger into Lincoln's chest.
Flashing, Lincoln punched him in the face and he stumbled back. Gritting his teeth, Lynn Sr. tackled his son to the ground and they rolled around, slapping and hitting each other. Elsewhere, Rita pulled Sam's hair. "Only weirdos have blue hair," Rita hissed.
Sam rammed her elbow into Rita's stomach and knocked the air out of her lungs. Luna ran at Leni, and much to Albert's surprise, Leni artfully stepped aside and tripped her younger sister. She mounted Luna's prone form and punched her in the back of the head. Lynn Sr. was getting to his feet and Luan pushed him. "Your cooking sucks, old man," she said.
Before Albert knew it, Luan, Luna, Lori, and Lucy were stomping their father into the carpet, screaming insults against his food, his masculinity, and everything he believed in and stood for. All he could do was curl up in a ball and try to defend himself the best he could. Albert finished his whiskey and decided he should do something, so he got up and went over. He shooed everyone away and helped the battered and bloodied Lynn Sr. to his feet. "Go on, Pop Pop," Lily said, "kick his ass."
"You have to be mad at him about something," Lynn Jr. said.
Albert wracked his brain. No, he really wasn't. Lynn Sr. was kind of a dork, but ultimately a good man. He'd been a good husband to Rita and a good father to the kids, even if they wanted to pretend otherwise. Lynn Sr. was harsh in his assessment of Lincoln, but not entirely wrong. The boy was too sensitive and did have something of a persecution complex. All of the other kids seemed to have a touch of that as well.
Now they were all chanting for him to do something, to get involved. He was here for just this reason, was he not? To participate in the fun? He looked at Lynn Sr. and tried to call up something to be angry about. "You…uh…" he thought, then it hit him. "You got Rita pregnant eleven times. She's a human being, not a clown car."
With that, he bitch slapped Lynn Sr. He didn't know his own strength, it seemed, for the man was lifted from his feet and spun around, landing in a heap on the floor. Everyone cheered and slapped Albert on the back.
"That was kind of fun," he said. He turned to Lincoln just as Lincoln patted his shoulder. He grabbed the boy's hand and twisted. Lincoln screamed womanishly out and sank to his knees. "Your father is right," Albert said, "you're a bitch with a complex." He shoved Lincoln back and Lincoln lay on the floor, arms and legs spread eagle.
When Lynn Sr. recovered, he and Bobby squared off. Lynn Sr. was upset that Bobby got Lori pregnant during their first year of college. "She was on the other side of the country and had to come all the way back home," Lynn Sr. said. He hit Bobby and Bobby kicked him in the shin.
"Fuck you, faggot," Bobby slurred.
Across the room, Luna bucked up to Rita, chest puffed out and shoulders squared. Her hands were balled into trembling fists of fury and her eyes shone with absolute loathing. "You didn't support me when I came out," Luna said. "You said it was a phase and that I would grow out of it."
"Too bad you never did," Rita said, "now I'll never have a real grandchild from you."
"Oh?" Luna asked. "My child isn't good enough for you?"
Sam got in the middle of them and tried to calm things, as this was maybe going a little too far, but Rita smacked her in the head and knocked her out of the way. In an instant, Luna sprang at her and they fell back against the wall. "Keep your hands off her, bitch," Luna shrieked as she tore at Rita's face with her nails. Rita grabbed her around the throat and slammed her against the wall, blood gushing from the jagged wound crisscrossing her cheeks and forehead.
"You fucking dyke," Rita said through her teeth.
Alright, Albert decided, things definitely had gone too far. It was time for him to wade in and do something.
Violently.
Staggering up to Rita, he grabbed her by her ear and twisted. She let out a sharp, pained yelp and released Luna. "Rita Marie," he said admonishing. "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. Your daughter needed your love and support, but instead, you gave her shit." The more he spoke, the more indignant he became. He ripped his belt off, shoved Rita away, and lashed out at her with it, putting all his might into it. The belt hit her across the back and she sank to her knees with an agonized scream. He did it again and again, all the times she had ever upset and disappointed him coming back in a black rush. He gritted his teeth and brought the belt down again and again. Rita was on the floor now, dead or close to it. Leni, Lori, Bobby, Lincoln, Lynn Jr., and Lynn Sr. grabbed either one of his arms and pulled him away. "Stop!" Sam screamed, "you're killing her!"
Growling, spittle flying, Albert strained against his captors and kicked his legs. "Fuck you! Let me go! I'm a senior citizen!" He threw his head back and clocked Bobby in the face, breaking his hold. He pulled away, spun, and brought the belt down like a lion tamer. The metal end caught Lori in the face and ripped her cheek open. She screamed and went down. Lincoln tried to tackle him, but Albert smashed him in the top of the head with his fist and then shoved him away. He brought the belt down on Bobby's head and then kicked Lynn S. in the gonads. Lynn Sr.'s eyes bulged from their sockets and his face turned a deep shade of red. He toppled over and lay there, panting for air and squirming on the floor. Albert spun around and cracked the belt like a lion tamer. In a once in a lifetime move, it wrapped around Lily's neck Indiana Jones style. He dragged her close and kicked her in the stomach.
Now everyone from Sam and Bobby to Lincoln and Lily were surrounding him, looking mean and pissed off. Rita slapped him in the back of his head and Luna rushed at him. He turned slightly to the side and rammed his shoulder into her chest. Sam threw her arms around him from behind, and letting out a caveman-like grunt, he tossed her over his shoulder; she landed on the floor and grimaced in pain. Lucy whacked him in the face with her spellbook and he stumbled, almost falling. Fists battered him and he nearly lost his balance.
Suddenly, Lynn Sr. and Bobby were twisting his arms behind his back. Lincoln punched Albert in the stomach and the ait left Albert's lungs in a rush. Luan, Lynn, and Lisa all took turns hitting and slapping him. Lola punched him in the face and his nose burst like an overripe tomato. Lana hit him with a spinning kick that rang his bell and put out his lights. He crashed to the floor and snored, dead asleep. Mrytle, having just come back with the kids, ran over and tried to defend him. "Stop, he's an old man."
"Shut up, bitch," Rita said and slapped her in the head, "you're not my mother."
Myrtle lowered her brows, then got up and rolled her sleeves up. "Alright, you overweight sow, let's do this."
The adults continued to fight while the kids video taped. The footage later wound up on TikTok and went viral.
Then China stole their data.
The End