It was four o'clock in the morning according to the alarm clock. We had gone to bed early, both of us bone-tired, but when I turned around, Loki wasn't there.
That in itself wasn't unusual. Loki was a bad sleeper at the best of times. Often he'd go to bed at the same time as I would, just so I could fall asleep in his arms. Sometimes he'd sleep for a few hours himself and get up then, other times he'd sneak out of the bed once I fell asleep.
Loki would curl up in his favourite chair and read while listening to music with his earphones in or watch old movies he'd seen hundreds of times.
He'd come back to bed just before dawn, just so he could kiss me awake before the alarm clock had a chance to go off.
As you can tell, dear reader, considering he hadn't believed in love before he met me, he was a natural at this whole 'boyfriend'-thing.
When he did sleep, Loki would often have terrible nightmares and would wake me up with his screams, cries and pleas for mercy, his eyes unseeing while he sat up, seemingly awake.
I had learned the hard way not to touch him if that happened because unaware of his surroundings or who I truly was he'd mistake me for an enemy and hurt me.
Loki always felt absolutely terrible about it the next morning. I never got angry or upset with him. It wasn't his fault, he wasn't really awake, he was reliving his past in his dreams. It broke my heart.
But that night I was worried about him so I put on a t-shirt and followed him down the stairs. Loki was sitting where I thought he'd be, but he wasn't reading. He was lost in thought, staring ahead of him in the distance.
"Are you alright, love?" I asked him softly.
Loki was startled. "I didn't see you there!"
I took the book out of his hand and put it away, then sat on his lap. I ran my fingers through his hair.
"Are you still worried about the baby?"
"Perhaps a little", Loki shrugged it off but I could see he was lying.
"You lost your self-control a bit today, didn't you?"
He shrugged again, uneasy.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," Loki said acerbically, "but I know you well enough that you'll just work your vile magic on me and I will end up telling you everything. I always do. No matter how much I try to guard myself, I'm an open book to you." he looked at me accusingly. I ignored it, we both knew there wasn't any magic, vile or otherwise involved.
"What happened to your parents, Loki? Who killed them?" I asked instead. It was the one missing piece of the puzzle. Who had attacked Jotunnheim the day Loki was born?
He rubbed his brow with his fingers and winced.
"The Jotunn weren't a peaceful race," he began in his deep voice.
"They weren't the monsters Asgardians would have you believe they were either, or so I learned much later.
They were fearsome, but they were few, and that fact was to the benefit of the other realms. They were no real threat.
Until my mother married my father, that was. Fárbauti was brilliant. Fiendishly clever, hot-tempered and passionate, a cunning strategist, and a military leader without peer."
"It sounds like you take after your father," I said.
"Perhaps," Loki smiled at the thought.
"When my father became the leader of the Jotunn armies, suddenly nothing seemed impossible, even the rule of Midgard. Perhaps even that of the other realms. If the Jotunn would have gained dominance over any of the other realms they would have brought about an era that would have made the Ice Age seem practically balmy.
The Allfather decided that the Jotunn had to be stopped. For a while, he and my father were evenly matched and it seemed like they became embroiled in a war neither of them could win.
But slowly Fárbauti began to gain ground.
And then Odin did something unexpected. He travelled to Niflheim and sought an audience with Hel. Hel would not benefit from Fárbauti's victory either, not in the long run. If the realms would become uninhabitable, there would be no more people, no more souls for her to claim.
Odin made a deal with her. They would fight side by side, and Hel would be allowed to claim any soul that fell that day, whether they were worthy of Valhalla or not."
Loki shook his head.
"He must have been truly desperate to bargain with the souls of his own people like that. And thus, a deal was struck.
At the appointed time, Odin and Hel attacked Jotunnheim together. Odin led his Einherjar through the city and towards the palace, but they met little resistance. Fárbauti and his soldiers, tricked into responding to an attack elsewhere, weren't there. Odin rode in the vanguard, pushing onward to the palace, unaware of the trail of destruction that his berserk warriors and Hel's undead left in their wake. Women, children and the elderly were slaughtered without mercy behind him as Odin ascended the steps to the palace gates.
There he finally met some resistance as my mother's handmaidens, all trained warriors in their own right, fought to protect their queen.
Odin's goal had been to force Laufey to surrender, to have her sign a treaty to relinquish any claim on any of the other realms, that day and in the future.
But Laufey was well aware of the genocide that was taking place outside of the palace and did not believe Odin would honour such a treaty so she chose to fight instead. The death of Odin might have halted his men in their tracks, but as we both know, that is not what happened.
Weakened from having given birth, to me, only a few hours beforehand, Laufey was killed by Odin.
Only after killing my mother did Odin find the small bundle behind the throne containing her infant son. You know the rest."
Every time I learned more of Loki's past, the story seemed to be getting worse. So much pain and sorrow, so much loss. I sometimes wondered where Loki found the strength to bear it.
"Odin killed your mother?" I asked softly.
"Yes, the man I called father was directly responsible for the death of my real parents," Loki said bitterly.
"For years I was told frightening stories about the Jotunn. Was threatened by my nursemaids and tutors: 'Loki, eat your dinner, or the Jotunn will come and take you away.' 'Loki, do your homework, or the Jotunn will take you and you'll never see Asgard again.'
For most of my life, I have had nightmares of being taken away, ripped from my mother's arms by a tall and scary figure with horns, a Jotunn.
It was only centuries later that I realised it was not a dream, but my earliest memory. That the mother I had been taken from was not Frigga, but Laufey. And that the scary horned figure wasn't Fárbauti Angerstrike, Jotunnheim's fiercest warrior, but the Allfather himself."
Loki's eyes were dry, he had no more tears to give. I gently caressed Loki's cheek and kissed him as if I could kiss all that pain away. After a moment he kissed me back, allowing himself to lose himself in my embrace. After a short moment, too short, he gently pushed me away, just far enough so he could look at my face.
"Darling, promise me that if this little boy we found, this poor child that had to start his life with so much violence and loss, that if he has no family to speak of, that we will take him in? That we will look after him? Give him a better life, a better childhood than I had?"
There was so much I could have said. About how I thought I had put nappies, and teething and all that far behind me, Jessie was practically an adult. About how I couldn't see how a baby would fit in with my career as a special agent. About how much time and work it takes to look after an infant, time I had hoped to spend with Loki since our relationship was still so new.
"Of course, we will," I said instead. "We'll make it work somehow. If there is nobody to claim him, we'll find a way to adopt him ourselves."
I smiled into Loki's eyes. I couldn't bear the thought of that poor little boy being all alone either.
The next day I got a phone call from Richard. I put it on speaker so Loki could listen as well.
"As promised, I'm calling to inform you about the baby boy you rescued yesterday. It turns out his mother's name was Alannah, and her husband, Aaron reported her missing a little over two weeks ago. Aaron has been searching frantically and without rest for his missing wife and unborn child.
Normally, we'd send one of our special trained grief councillors around, but I thought since there is some happy news as well in this case, and since you have taken a personal interest, you might want to do the honours of returning the child to his family yourself."
I looked at Loki, who nodded.
And so a few hours later we found ourselves on the road in Louisiana again, this time with a baby car seat in the back.
"If I don't like the look of the father…" Loki was frowning darkly.
"We're not stealing a baby," I said firmly.
Luckily, it was not a problem, as we found when we pulled into the driveway.
Loki got out of the car and rang the doorbell while I wrestled with the car seat.
"I am special agent Lucas Lefay, this is my partner Sorcha. We have a special delivery for you."
Loki smiled at the small dark man with the worried face and the huge circles under his eyes who opened the door.
I had won my battle with the car seat and triumphantly held up the carrier.
"You might want to come and meet your son!" I beamed.
There had been tears, of course. Tears of grief, tears of happiness. I hadn't really been able to keep my own eyes dry either. Abigail, Aaron's mother had been in the house too, she hadn't left her son's side since his wife had disappeared.
"We had been so happy when Aaron married Allanah," she said. Abigail was tiny, neatly dressed and with her greying hair kept in short tight curls.
"Another name starting with an A, we joked."
"My brother is called André," Aaron said after he blew his nose. He tried giving Loki back the handkerchief Loki had lent him, but Loki quickly refused. "Keep it, I have plenty more."
"Alannah's family didn't want to know," Abigail continued, "being the sort of people who didn't approve of their daughter marrying a black man. But we welcomed her with open arms. And we were all looking forward to meeting the new baby." She smiled at the little boy in her arms.
"Words can never describe how grateful we are for you saving him from those bikers."
The official story was that the women had been kidnapped by a biker gang who was planning on selling the babies for illegal adoption. As always, the Secret World needed to stay secret. This was also why Loki had introduced himself by his alias. His own name was just too well known and people would ask too many questions.
"We had done the baby room up months ago," Aaron admitted, " we couldn't wait to meet him. Do you want to see his room?"
"Yes, sure, I love baby rooms!" I said right away. Aaron took his son from his mother and led us up the stairs.
The baby room was bright and airy, done up in yellow, white and green with a farm animal theme. Everything you'd need for a newborn was neatly displayed on shelves.
I looked at Loki, there was nothing he could possibly fault here. About the room, or the family.
Loki looked around carefully, studying the room with a frown. Finally, he nodded at me. He had come to the same conclusion.
"Lucas," Aaron asked hesitantly, "may I have a word?"
I left the two men alone and made my way down the stairs.
Abigail was in the kitchen, washing out baby bottles. I grabbed a towel and gave her a hand.
"So you two are partners?" Abigail asked shrewdly. "But you are more than that, right?"
I smiled. "We are, yes."
"Are you married?"
"Not yet," I admitted. It had come up a few times. The first time when we met Nál, Loki's grandmother and then after Loki talked about wanting Laufey's staff. After that, it had come up more and more. First, it had been 'if we get married' but lately 'if' had changed to 'when'.
I knew it was early days still, and our relationship had seen its fair share of hurdles. But I also knew all too well how fragile life could be and I could not imagine spending mine without Loki.
"Lucas has kind eyes," Abigail said. "You can tell a lot about a man from his eyes. He may have his demons, but his eyes are kind."
I smiled, that summed Loki up about right.
"He has his moments," I admitted.
Aaron and Loki made their way into the kitchen. Loki's eyes were suspiciously red, and he wasn't meeting mine. I wondered what had happened between them.
"Where's my grandson?" Abigail asked.
"Asleep in his crib," Aaron smiled.
"Momma," Aaron said apologetically, "I know you had your heart set on another A name in the family. But I think I'd like to break tradition this time if it is all right with you."
Loki was rubbing the back of his neck and shuffling his feet, looking uncomfortable. What was going on here?
"I think I'd like to name my son Lucas if that is all the same to you. I asked, and Special Agent Lefay here said he'd be honoured."
Abigail beamed.
"I think that is a marvellous idea, naming him after the man who saved his life and brought him back home to us."
Loki was looking everywhere but at me. Was he embarrassed? Did this go against the precious reputation he had spent so long cultivating?
The real reason became clear only once we were alone again in the car. We had said our goodbyes, with lots of promises from Aaron to keep us updated on Lucas. He had swapped phone numbers with Loki and promised to send lots of pictures.
"I couldn't tell him now, could I?" Loki frowned. "That my real name wasn't Lucas?"
"We weren't supposed to, no," I agreed hesitantly. I understood it must have felt awkward for Loki.
"I mean, what was I supposed to say? 'Actually, I am Loki, god of Mischief'? He'd have thought I was insane. And I could prove it of course, but that would have just made things weird, right?"
"Possibly," I agreed, not sure what Loki meant by that.
"I mean, people name their pets Loki, their cats and dogs. Not their children. People name their children after heroes, after positive examples. Like Lucas Lefay the baby-saving special agent.
Who names a child after the god of Mischief?
He would have had to take the offer back, and that would have really made things awkward," Loki said glumly.
Ah. Loki thought that if Aaron had known who he truly was, he wouldn't have offered to name his son after Loki.
"You understand that you are Lucas Lefay, right? That you did save baby Lucas?" I put my hand on his leg and gave him a gentle squeeze.
Loki shrugged. "I was just tagging along because you were there, I wouldn't have been there otherwise. I'm not a hero, nor a positive example to anyone. I'm the one people point to and tell their children 'See him? Don't be like that.'"
I knew if anyone else would have been having this conversation with him he'd tell them that of course people should name their children after him, that all children from now on should be called Loki because he was so amazing. I was one of the few, or perhaps the only one, who saw this side of him. The self-doubt, the self-loathing.
"You were Lucas' hero yesterday, and Abigail and Aaron's today. I smiled at him, "and there is nothing you can say or do that could convince them, or me, otherwise."
Aaron kept his word, Loki got an update on baby Lucas almost daily. Pictures and videos that Loki proudly showed off at the Horned God, to anyone who wanted to see them, and to some who probably didn't but weren't left a choice.
"You'd think there hadn't been any babies before baby Lucas, if Loki was anything to go by," Cedric grinned at me.
I knew it still bothered Loki that the family didn't know his true name. For hundreds of years, he had gone by so many different aliases without giving it a thought, but now it mattered.
A few weeks later, however, things changed.
"Are you alright, love?" I asked Loki, who had just hung up the phone and had a haunted look on his face.
"Loki?"
He looked at me, his eyes wild.
"Aaron asked me to be Lucas' godfather, he is being baptised new week. I might have said yes."
"Loki!"
"I know! I know, it's a terrible idea, right? But what was I supposed to say? I told him I wasn't Christian…" Loki snorted, "hah, that was the understatement of the century!"
Loki ran his hands through his hair. "What was I supposed to do, Sorch?"
"Tell the truth, I suppose. You can't become Lucas' godfather without them knowing who you truly are. It wouldn't be right."
"This! This is why I don't get involved in people's lives! This is why I stick to my own problems! It always ends in tears!"
"This isn't your fault, you were trying to do the right thing," I told him. I tried to take Loki's hand but he angrily pulled it away.
"Yes, well, this is what trying to do the right thing gets me! They won't want me, they won't want me anymore when they know who I really am!"
There was very little I could say or do to comfort him, so I made a few phone calls instead.
The next day we were back on the road in Louisiana, a huge stack of papers on my lap. Loki wasn't really talking, and he wasn't playing any music in the car either. His face was pale and drawn.
Aaron and Abigail had been expecting us, I had rung them beforehand. I asked them to sign the NDAs I had brought along with me, and then we told them the truth. The whole truth. About the demon-worshipping vampires that had killed Allanah, and about Loki.
It was easy enough for Loki to prove who he really was, a magic transformation or two and it became clear he wasn't a special agent of any agency they'd ever heard of.
Both Abigail and Aaron were quiet.
"I'm sorry," Loki said again. For once he seemed lost for words.
Abigail motioned me to follow her into the kitchen.
"He really is the god of Mischief?" she asked me.
I nodded yes.
"Would he burst into flames if he set foot in a church?"
"No, he won't, at least he says he wouldn't."
"And he'd look after Lucas if something were to happen to Aaron?"
"He would, we both would," I promised.
"Then that's alright by me," Abigail said decisively. "I don't care who he is. He has kind eyes. You can tell a lot about a man from his eyes. Maybe you can tell a lot about a god that way too."
Back in the sitting room, Aaron seemed to have come to the same conclusion.
"Well, that puts a whole new meaning to the word 'godfather' I suppose," Aaron was laughing.
Loki was laughing too. "I can't promise to be a good influence, but at least I'll be fun."
"I don't think Lucas could be any safer than with a god and an immortal sorceress watching over him," Aaron said, turning serious. "And I'll make sure that when he is old enough, he'll learn who you truly are, and what the amazing story of the first day of his life really is."