Cold Opening
Narrator: In the television comedy world, the people are entertained by two separate yet equally important types of shows. Traditional sitcoms that get laughs out of everyday situations, like trying to fix your own plumbing or inviting two dates to the same dance. And animated shows that make jokes about farting. This is the latter.
GRIFFIN RESIDENCE
THRUSDAY, JUNE 8TH
[As we zoom in on The Griffins watching TV in the living room. Until Peter's eyes widen.]
Peter Griffin: Aw, sorry. I just farted.
[The whole family groans, as he ruined the bit]
[Law and Order Theme Song Plays]
Act I
[The episode opens at Buddy Cianci Junior High School, around after school hours, with Chris Griffin, the elder son of the Griffin clan, walking up to his science teacher's classroom. That being Mr. Randall Fargus. Waiting a second, he knocks while opening the door to the classroom.]
Chris: Hey Farg, can we talk about-?
[Chris stops what he was saying as he sees his father Peter Griffin and his teacher Mr. Fargus both inside one of Fargus' bubbles in the middle of their usual play-fights, clashing with their bubbles and bouncing across the room]
Peter: Alright, Fargus. You might have beaten me the last time we did this. But mark my words, I will defeat you today
Fargus: Oh yeah? Bring it on, Griffin
Chris: Dad? Fargus?
[Peter and Fargus look down, having notice Chris have walked into the classroom]
Peter: C-C-Chris!
[The duo float down to where Chris is and pop their bubbles with pins]
Chris: How long have you been doing that?
Peter: Oh-oh! I u-uh, well it was just a one-time thing. R-r-right, Fargus?
Fargus: Yeah! I asked your father to help me test out some new soap I made and... and... and...
[The two notice Chris is unmoved, knowing that's far from the truth, so sigh and come clean]
Peter: We like to play around on Fridays sometimes.
Fargus: And by sometimes, we mean often
Peter: You're usually running home by now, Chris. What's the reason you're still here? Did you graffiti on the school sign again?!
Chris: Oh no, Dad. I just wanted to talk to Mr. Fargus.
Fargus: So what's up, kid?
Chris: You see, I'm pretty much good for the school year, it's that I just need a few more credits to make my grade here an A. So I was wondering if you had any extra credit I could do with you
Fargus: Anything?
Chris: Anything
Fargus: Well, yes there is. You see, I'm going to be appearing in the yearly annual Science Expo in a week, (walks to a machine that covered by a tarp) and will be showing off this invention. Introducing (pulls off the tarp): a three-person body-swapping machine!
Peter: Freakin' Sweat!
Chris: Alright, Farg!
Fargus: I was going to test it and record data about the experience as an experiment to see how people would deal with being in different bodies, but I need two extra patients alongside me to try it out.
Chris: So if I help you with the experiment, you can give me the credit?
Fargus: Yep. Just switch bodies for a week, and I'll give you the A.
Chris: Count. Me. In!
Peter: Same here! I want to support the teacher that I loved so much I ran for school president to give him his job back!
Fargus: Well then (claps his hands together), we got our three test subjects. Now let's fire up the machine and begin the switch. Now how this works is that the body swapper will switch the users clockwise. So whoever gets in which chair will end up in the body to the one on the right.
Chris: But what about the one in the third chair?
Fargus: Then they'll end up in the body at the first chair.
[They sit in the chairs, with Peter going to the first chair, Fargus going to the second chair and Chris going to the third.]
Chris: Wait, can I still change my mind?
Fargus: Let's find out.
[Fargus pushes a button on his chair, which actives the machine and begins the body-swapping. With Peter ending up in Fargus' body, Chris ending up in Peter's body and Fargus ending up in Chris' body]
Peter (in Fargus' body): (gets up and looks around for a second) Huh. Guess it doesn't do anything.
Fargus (in Chris' body): (walks up to Peter) Shame. I thought it was going to- [both gasp] Oh, my God, Peter! It worked! We switched bodies.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Wow, this is really weird. Haven't felt this thin since getting that liposuction surgery.
Fargus (in Chris' body): And I've never felt this heavy before.
[As he says this, Chris (Peter) walks up to them]
Chris (in Peter's body): Hey! I'm still insecure about that!
[The two jumped in shock at Chris, who had ended up in Peter's body.]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Chris, you really got some shoes to fill.
Chris (in Peter's body): What do you mean?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Look in the mirror!
[Chris looked into a nearby mirror and was startled like everyone else]
Chris (in Peter's body): Aah! I'm you! Wait, Dad, if I'm you, does this mean-?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Yes. For this week, you're the Family Guy.
Chris (in Peter's body): [gasps, jumps up in the air, fist pump] Alright!
[Family Guy music plays, a few seconds later Chris (Peter) is still in the air]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Chris, how are you doing that?
Chris (in Peter's body): I...I don't...I don't know, Dad. I'm scared.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Well, come down.
Chris (in Peter's body): I can't. I...I...Get help. Call somebody.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Wh...Wh...Who do I call, Chris?
Chris (in Peter's body): I...I don't know. A police...a fireman...a scientist! Call a scientist!
Peter (in Fargus' body): Okay, Fargus, you stay here with Chris. [leaves] I'm gonna go find a scientist.
Chris (in Peter's body): Am I gonna die?
[Exterior: Griffin House, Nighttime, Peter (Fargus), Chris (Peter), and Fargus (Chris) walk up to the door with Fargus (Peter) having a suitcase]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Okay, so in case things go south, (to Fargus [Chris]) it's best to bring you with us home
Fargus (in Chris' body): But how are we going to convince your wife to allow me to live here? We both know I don't have... the best reputation.
Peter (in Fargus' body): That's where you two come in. (hands Chris (Peter) piece of paper) Chris, as me you'll say this to her and with it she will-
[Smash cut to the Griffin living room with Chris (Peter), Fargus (Chris), Lois, Meg and Brian]
Lois: -Absolutely not let him live here!
Chris (in Peter's body): Come on, Mo- uh, I mean Lois. Fargus needs a place to stay while his house is flooded
Lois: Peter, I know you love him, but we're not keeping that lunatic in our house. He's clearly shown to be unstable. Plus, every time you two are together, you somehow cause some sort of chaos.
Chris (in Peter's body): Oh yeah? Name three times.
Lois: Well, there was the time you two along with Chris egged a teacher's house just because he gave Chris an F
[In a cutaway, Peter and Fargus holding an egg launcher follow Chris to the house his teacher lived]
Chris: That's his house!
Peter: Hit it, Fargs!
[Fargus fires up the launcher and it begins to shoot eggs at the door]
Fargus: Take that!
Chris: I got it!
Peter: Take that, you bum!
[A man opens up the door and gets attacked by the eggs]
Man: Ahh! What the hell are you doing?
Peter: Is that him?
Chris: Yeah!
Fargus: Oh, crap! Scatter!
[The trio quickly ran away into the street at night, ditching the machine]
[End of cutaway]
Meg: And then there was the "Ice Creamgeddon"
[In a cutaway, Lois, Stewie, Brian, Meg and Chris are outside looking at the house that has a massive amount of yogurt filled inside and Peter and Fargus enter out covered in yogurt]
Lois: Peter, what the hell happened? I ask you to go get yogurt and you flood the house with it?
Peter: For the record, it was an accident with Fargs yogurt machine
Fargus: I seriously got to start testing my machines before I take them out
Lois: How are we going to get rid of all this?!
Peter: (pulls out seven spoons) Dig in?
The Griffins (sans Peter): Ewwww!
[End of cutaway]
Brian: And remember last year's annual Science Expo you two did?
[In a cutaway, the Griffins sans Peter and Stewie are walking to the expo doors when just as they about to enter, a crowd full of old people walking out past them, and trampling Meg, complaining loudly in a white hairy mess]
Chris: What was that all about?
[As he says this, Peter and Fargus, who are now grotesquely old, walk out holding canes and trembling]
Old Fargus: (Hoarsely) Oh, nelly. I didn't think it would go south that fast.
Old Peter: (Gruffly) I told you we should've gone with the Bubble Mixture instead of the Time Clock. That thing's nothing but trouble. Besides, not every old person is as spunky as you, we've been over this.
Lois: Peter?
[Lois' voice catches Peter's attention as he looks to see her and the family. As she begins to open her mouth, Peter pulls out his wallet and hands the family members $20 each]
Old Peter: You heard and saw nothing
[End of cutaway]
Chris (in thought): Think, Chris, think. What would Dad do to win? (gasps with an idea) Fake promises
Chris (in Peter's body): Look, honey. He'll sleep in the patio, I'll make sure to make him take his pills to even him out, and he'll help Chris out with Science. It's a win-win!
Lois: Well, I... I guess you have a point... Alright, Peter. Just promise me you'll keep him under control
Chris (in Peter's body): Lois, honey, I promise. You won't be seeing any weird stuff while he's here
[As he says this, Peter (Fargus) barges through the door]
Meg: (to Chris (Peter)) Dad, was he waiting outside this whole time?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Meg, cut me some slack. It was getting cold.
Meg: Wait, I wasn't talking to you. And how do you know my-?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Uh, I mean, uh. (after thinking what to say, just goes to a blunt answer) Shut up, Meg.
[Around mid-morning, after the kids have gone to school, Lois is alone practicing her piano in the Study Room with Chris (Peter) walking in]
Chris (in Peter's body): Morning, Lois.
Lois: Morning, Peter. Can you explain where you were early this morning?
Chris (in Peter's body): I was just dropping off Chris and my teacher off early. They wanted an early head start. Also, while you were out, I wanted to get a portrait.
Lois: A portrait?
Chris (in Peter's body): For this. (he pulls up what he drawn in a portrait and it's a portrait of the Griffins at their house) I drew a picture of our family, 'cause it would be a reminder what makes me excited to wake up for in the day. I really like how it came out
Lois: Oh, Peter. I'd love it, too.
[Interior: Buddy Cianci Junior High School, Peter (Fargus) is showing the students a firework in his hand]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Now class, we're about to see the wonders of a firework
[He sets it down and lights it, and it causes a multitude of explosions and pops that surprises everyone. After their done, Peter (Fargus) waits a second to let the amusement die down]
Peter (in Fargus' body): So who wants some of them?
[Interior: Griffin House, Peter (Chris) begins to walk up to Meg's room]
Chris (in thought): Alright, Chris, think. If you were a father, what would you do with your kids? (thinks for a bit then snaps his fingers as he got an idea) Get into their interests
[Peter (Chris) walks into Meg's room to see her looking at Teen Magazines]
Chris (in Peter's body): Hey, Meg. What's goin' on? ... You having your period?
Meg: (sighs) Chris, cut the act. I know it's you Chris (in Peter's body): What?! How did you know it was me?!
Meg: I don't know. Having one of Dad's teachers "stay over" despite him never doing anything like that before this, the out-of-character feeling in the way you and Dad spoke, Dad making a drawing for Mom, and on top of that fantastically. He can't draw to save his damn life! And on a separate note, my period's not an interest. It's something that happens to me that I cannot control.
Chris (in Peter's body): (squicks) Gross.
Meg: So, what crazy scheme is it this time?
Chris (in Peter's body): Me, Dad and his teacher swapped bodies. I-It's for extra credit in science. Look, I just need someone to help me with this, I have no idea how to be the Family Guy. I'm so use to being this stoner wannabe artist, not the breadwinner of the house Meg: How about I help you?
Chris (in Peter's body): Really, Meg? You'd really do that?
Meg: I got nothing better to do. Plus, it would be something new for us to do a team-up. Just know you owe me
Chris (in Peter's body): Deal.
[Interior: Buddy Cianci Junior High School, outside of Fargus' classroom, Peter (Fargus) is waving the kids goodbye as they head to their next class]
Kid: That was awesome, Fargus
Peter (in Fargus' body): Thank you.
Kid: See you tomorrow, Farg.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Much obliged
Fargus (in Chris' body): Peter, that was amazing! You nailed my voice and how I acted to a T!
Peter (in Fargus' body): Well, hanging out with you helped out with that
Principal Sloan: [Over P.A. system] Good morning, this is Principal Sloan. Mr. Fargus, due to us missing a teacher, you've been assigned an extra class. PIease report to Remedial English.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Remedial English? Isn't that the class with a bunch of hoodlum students?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Can I at least come down to your office and talk to you about this?
[Cuts to show Sloan's getting a massage from a Pacific Islander in Hawaii]
Principal Sloan: No. I'm afraid I'm far too busy today. Estoban, mucho tension lower. Little lower. Lower. Lower. [Singing in shril voice] On top of old Smokey!
Peter (in Fargus' body): Aw man, this is gonna suck. It was nice interacting with those students.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Hey, you got this, Peter. If you could take on a science class, you can defiantly take on some special ed class. So do what you told me: (redirects Peter[Fargus] to the direction Remedial English is) Go out there and teach your "Fargin"' ass off.
[Fargus (Chris) gives Peter (Fargus) a push to the direction to Remedial English and after waving him good luck, walks to Chris' assigned English class]
Mrs. Lockhart: Good morning, class [As he looks at her, Fargus (Chris)'s eyes open wide]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Oh, my God. I'm in love.
Act II
Mrs. Lockhart: Good morning, class.
Students: Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
[shows Chris his failed test, holding it next to her massive chest]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Uh... Two D's and an F.
[As Peter (Fargus) walks into Remedial English, funky instrumental music plays]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Uh, hi. I'm, uh, Mr. Fargus.
[A Gunshot is shot and the bullet hole in the chalkboard is close to where Peter (Fargus) was]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Okay, red flags flying. Uh, well, (picks up a orange book) has, uh, anybody read Huckleberry Finn?
[The book he's holding breaks apart in pieces]
Peter (in Fargus' body): All right. How about we go around the room and everyone can say... a little something about themselves? Let's start with you there in the front.
Tim: My name's Tim. I'm 28 years young. And I love weed.
Carlos: My name is Carlos. And beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn. And beneath that is a rapist.
Amanda: My name is Amanda. And my water just broke.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Holy Crap!
Tim: Yo, it's my turn to deliver.
[Later at night at the Griffin House, Chris (Mr. Fargus) walks up to Mr. Fargus (Peter), whose is looking displeased at the work that the students wrote on great expectations in the kitchen]
Fargus (in Chris' body): So Peter, how's the extra class coming along?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Awful. You cannot believe what these damn kids wrote. Listen to this kid's report on Dickens' Great Expectations, exactly said as it's written (clears his throat and picks up the paper on the desk). "Miss Havisham should of throwed dat cake out, so it don't like mess all up da bitch's house."
Fargus (in Chris' body): I'm dumbfounded
Peter (in Fargus' body): (drops the paper on the desk) I... I.. I don't know what the hell to say. I'm just lost. Society's giving up on these poor kids and don't know what to do.
[As he says this, Brian and Stewie walk in with a stereo]
Brian: I think your problem is you're not communicating in a way that speaks to their experience. You know what you should do?
Brian and Stewie: Get in there tomorrow and do the robot.
[Brian turns on the stereo and funky music starts playing as Brian and Stewie start to do the robot]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Wow. You know, you're right. Maybe I should just try... a whole new approach. Thanks Brian.
Brian: Hey, anytime.
[the three notice Stewie's still dancing]
Brian: Okay, you can stop that now.
Stewie: I can't hear you. I'm a robot.
Brian: Come on, knock it off.
Stewie: Does not compute.
[Peter (Fargus) shuts off the stereo, causing Stewie to act like a robot that was powered down. He then grabs Stewie and the stereo and walks out of the room.]
Peter (in Fargus' body): I'm going to bed.
[At 5:00 in the morning, Chris (Peter), in Peter's fisherman outfit, and Meg walk to the living room door, only to be stopped by Peter (Fargus)]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Peter, Meg, what are you doing?
Meg: Good morning, Mr. Fargus. Dad's just taking me to have a helping hand.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Okay, first off, Meg, don't you have school?
Meg: It's a holiday for my school.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Oh. But second off, (moves to Chris(Peter)) what are you doing, Chris?
Chris (in Peter's body): Well if you wanna know Dad, we're going fishing on your boat: The S.S. More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, and The Incredible Hulk Put Together. Wow that's a mouthful.
Peter (in Fargus' body): What?! That's my job!
Chris (in Peter's body): Was your job. I'm the Family Guy this week, so it's my job. Besides your job seems piss easy. Toss a net, rev the line in and Bam! Sweet fish.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Chris, since you're in my body, I'll accept I can't do anything to stop you. But just know, my job is more harder than it looked. It's takes tons of hard hours at bay, harsh waves on the sea and who can forget how harsh though fish can be- (turns to see they've already left and Fargus (Chris) is next to him) Aaaand they left.
Fargus (in Chris' body): They move fast
Peter (in Fargus' body): Fargs, I'll go get myself cleaned up. Be back in 5.
[As Peter (Fargus) walks upstairs, Fargus (Chris) notices Brian walking in to go to the living. He then calls out to get his attention.]
Fargus (in Chris' body): 'Cuse me, dog?
Brian: Chris, you know my name already. It's Brian.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Yeah Brian, yeah yeah. Brian, I need some advice. I need to know how to get a girl to like me.
Brian: Chris, buddy, there's a million ways to do that. You just got to do something simple, Iike Vincent van Gogh.
Lois: Did I hear my big boy say he's got a crush on some lucky girl? You know, Chris, I knew this day would come. So, I brought you a cоndоm. Use it wisely, though. Chris, honey, the way to win a girl is to do something romantic and unexpected.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Romantic and unexpected, eh?'
[Interior: Buddy Cianci Junior High School: Remedial English. Peter (Fargus) walks in dressed as a gangster]
Peter (in Fargus' body): So's I'm chilling in Verona when my homie busts out with: "Yo, Romeo. Check out that bitch Juliet in the window." Problem is, Juliet's peeps are, like, East Coast rappers... and my posse's representing West Side. Just like my boys Tupac and Biggie. Know what I'm saying?
[A long beat with no response]
Carlos: That's racist, man.
Student: Yeah, that's just straight ignorant, old man.
[While Peter's having his trouble, Fargus (Chris) is]
Mrs. Lockhart: So, basically, what Orwell was saying was, "It's not perfect but I'll take it." all right, moving on-
Fargus (in Chris' body): Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. Lockhart.
[Lockhart turns to see Chris offscreen]
Mrs. Lockhart: Oh, my God, Chris! What are you doing?
[The camera pans to show Chris naked with only shoes and a tie on]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Being romantic and unexpected.
Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, you can't be so impulsive. People have gotten into a lot of trouble that way.
[At the middle of the open sea, Chris (Peter) and Meg are getting ready to preform Peter's job]
Chris (in Peter's body): Alright Meg. We're gonna make Peter drop his chin balls when he sees what we caught compared to him. (pulls up a can) That's why we're using this.
Meg: "Attract-A-Fish"? Isn't that product known for having whatever eats it act irrationally?
Chris (in Peter's body): Oh that's just some myth (dumps the food in the net and lowers it down) Now come on you fat fish. Bite.
[After a few minutes of waiting, Chris (Peter) goes for the usual check on the net to see hundreds of fish around the net]
Chris (in Peter's body): Holy Crap! Meg, look!
Meg: Oh my God! It actually worked!
Chris (in Peter's body): Come on! We got to reel it up!
[Chris (Peter) and Meg head to the reeler and begin to reel in the net, but it ends up getting stuck]
Chris (in Peter's body): Huh?
[After a second, the whole boat ends up speeding to the north, catching Chris (Peter) and Meg off guard]
Chris (in Peter's body)/Meg: YAAAAAHHHHH!
[As Chris (Peter) goes to control the fish, Meg takes control on the wheel, steering the other way the fish are trying to lead them to the shoreline. With the fish resisting, she ups the speed and gas of the boat, and the ship ends up crashing so hard on the shoreline that it flings the two out of the boat and the captured fish out of the sea, flopping inside the bag]
Chris (in Peter's body)/Meg: (weakly) Yeah...
[Around the after school time at Buddy Cianci Jr., Fargus (Chris) is waiting for Peter (Fargus) to come, until he gets hit by a rock. As he looks around, he sees Mrs. Lockhart near the window]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Mrs. Lockhart?
Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, come here. I need to talk to you.
[Fargus (Chris) comes over to Lockhart through the window into her classroom]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Why are you here?
Mrs. Lockhart: Well... because...
Fargus (in Chris' body): What's wrong? Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm willing to listen.
Mrs. Lockhart: (takes a deep breath and sighs) No, you'll just look at my breasts and not listen to me. That's how my first relationship with my husband began. He never cared for me at all.
Fargus (in Chris' body): He didn't?
Mrs. Lockhart: No. Oh sure, that's how the relationship with my husband began. He loved my breasts, he loved my personality... and yet... when we finally got married... we never had sex.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Who would not want to have sex with his wife?
Mrs. Lockhart: Apparently, my husband. (sighs) Never wanted kids. Always hated them. But me? I always wanted a kid of my own. Too bad I never had the chance...
Fargus (in Chris' body): Oh, Mrs. Lockhart... if I was your husband, I would totally raise a family with you.
[Fargus (Chris) pats her on the back, leading Mrs. Lockhart turned to Fargus (Chris) and smile]
Mrs. Lockhart: Really? Do you know how to take care of children?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Well, not really... But I have a lot of experience teaching kids. And with the right training, I'm sure I'd be willing to give you a chance.
Mrs. Lockhart: Aw, thanks. (giggles) I never thought I'd say this, Chris, but... you really are more of a man than my husband ever was.
Fargus (in Chris' body): How so?
Mrs. Lockhart: You treat a woman right outside the classroom. Yeah, I will admit at first you were really peculiar, but overtime, I started noticing you in particular. At first, I thought it was just the failing grades. But when you arrived with the 'Naked Spaceman' thing... I knew it was more than just a fleeting moment. You really did have a crush on me, didn't you?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Uh... yes?
Mrs. Lockhart: Well... I thought about it at first, but then things started to go into my mind... you naked, for one thing. That was when I began to realize... I couldn't stand away to be away from you for another moment. I think I'm falling in love with you.
Fargus (in Chris' body): (gasps and smiles) Mrs. Lockhart, I love you too!
Mrs. Lockhart: (giggled) Oh, Chris.
Fargus (in Chris' body): But... why me? I mean, you could have any skinny guy in the classroom, but why me in particular?
Mrs. Lockhart: Besides the Naked Spaceman thing? Well, true, being a fat guy does have a downside, but then...well, I noticed your little man was BIGGER than my husband's.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Huh?
Mrs. Lockhart: (sighed) I saw your penis, and thought it was really long, and felt like it would fit me in my body.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Oh! Oh, I get it.
Mrs. Lockhart: But besides that, you may not be the brightest in my class, but I've seen you get smart a few times. I pass by your address sometimes and I see you with your father. Sure, you may not be bright and sometimes follow his orders, but there are other moments when you know in particular it's a bad idea.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Wow...
Mrs. Lockhart: Anyway, I would love to be with you, Chris... spend the rest of my life with you... and have a family...The only problem is... I'm married."
Fargus (in Chris' body): (sighs) I figured this would happen.
Mrs. Lockhart: Yes, so I figured there's one thing to do.
[Fargus (Chris) noticed Mrs. Lockhart pulling out a little book marked for him out of her breasts]
Mrs. Lockhart: They are instructions. If we're going to be together, I need you to kill my husband.
[Fargus (Chris)' eyes widened. He tries to explain he doesn't want to help her kill her husband... only to be interrupted by Peter (Fargus), who honks the horn repeatedly to get Fargus (Chris)' attention]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Farg-uh, I mean, Chris, come on!
Fargus (in Chris' body): (to Peter) Just give a few minutes! (to Lockhart) Uh, Mrs. Lockhart, if it's the same, can't you just file for divorce, and we can just live together in a different house.
Mrs. Lockhart: Dammit, Chris, do you think I didn't try suggesting the idea? My husband is psycho, and he always beats me for even thinking about it!
Fargus (in Chris' body): He... beats you?
[Fargus (Chris)' eyes widened.]
Mrs. Lockhart: (sighs) I didn't want to show you this... but if you insist...
[Mrs. Lockhart then turned around in the back and took off her red top. Chris was surprised to see very red hand marks on her back.]
Fargus (in Chris' body): What the...
Mrs. Lockhart: Yeah... whenever I come home, he treats me really badly. Now you see why I want him killed.
[Chris' eyes widened as he noticed Mrs. Lockhart with tears in her eyes.]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Don't cry, Mrs. Lockhart... if you like, we can look over instructions to see how we can kill your husband... without risking both of us to go to jail...
[Mrs. Lockhart starred in surprise]
Mrs. Lockhart: Really? You'd do this?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Love between a man and a woman should be sacred. Not like your relationship.
[Their interrupted again by Peter (Fargus) honking the horn to get Fargus (Chris) to hurry up]
Fargus (in Chris' body): We better make this quick! He's getting angry. Okay, so your plan involves me either getting here early in the morning where he'd still be asleep, then killing him with either a knife or a gun." Chris read the plans. "Then we'd run away to Las Vegas or somewhere south of the border, along the way, changing our names and hair colors.
Mrs. Lockhart: Pretty much.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Hmmm... well, I say we keep the second half of the plan... but why don't we change the first half of the plan to make it look like he had an accident?
Mrs. Lockhart: What did you have in mind?
Fargus (in Chris' body): ...well, what if... you place a bear in the man's oatmeal... and he'll be done in, just like that?
Mrs. Lockhart: Oddly enough, that was my plan B in case you didn't want to go through with it.
Fargus (in Chris' body): After hearing what your husband did to you... why would I think different?
Mrs. Lockhart: But won't somebody know I let a bear in?
Fargus (in Chris' body): After the bear kills Mr. Lockhart, I'll tranquilize the bear, then we'll put down some hair and blood, along with a dummy I personally made of you to make sure you were killed too! Luckily, that shouldn't be too hard. I only made the head so far, though...
Mrs. Lockhart: Oh, but I can place some torn threads of my clothes, just to make sure I WAS eaten by the bear You really are smarter than you think, Chris!
Fargus (in Chris' body): Gee, thanks...
Mrs. Lockhart: But that just leaves you... what if you come in with a bike?
Fargus (in Chris' body): I made a head figure of me, oddly enough, so I'll leave that, along with some shredded clothes here with fake blood, because I just SAW the bear leaving!
Mrs. Lockhart: That's a good plan, Chris!
Fargus (in Chris' body): The only problem is where to get a bear...
Mrs. Lockhart: You leave that part to me! I know of a personal bear who... as you might say... 'Owed me a favor'.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Great
Mrs. Lockhart: Thank you, Chris... You don't know how much this means to me...
[With that, Mrs. Lockhart and Chris shared their first kiss together.]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Oh, Mrs. Lockhart...
Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, if we're going to do this, you don't have to call me Mrs. Lockhart... Chris... you can call me Lana.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Okay...Lana.
[Their interrupted yet again by Peter (Fargus) honking the horn to get Fargus (Chris) to hurry up]
Fargus (in Chris' body): I-I should go. Proceed the plan Saturday?
[Lana smiled as she kissed Chris on the cheek.]
Mrs. Lockhart: Of course. I better get home, then. See you, my beautiful man.
[Fargus (Chris) gave a smile as he and Lana parted separate ways and he went to the car, he smiled as he felt he did right... made the most beautiful woman in the world his woman and was about to proceed with a plan to off her husband to make it look like an accident.]
Peter (in Fargus' body): What the hell was all that?
[Around evening at the Griffin House, the family along with Fargus (Chris) are at the dining room having dinner]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Excuse me, wife of Peter
Lois: It's Lois
Peter (in Fargus' body): I wonder where Chri-, er I mean Peter and his daughter went.
Lois: I don't know. They went up to catch fish this morning and I haven't heard from them since
[As they saw this, Chris (Peter) and Meg enter the kitchen. With the fisherman cap Chris wore being torn up and the both of them having their clothes torn and looking beaten up]
Chris (in Peter's body): We're home
Stewie: Dear God, did you two get hit by a train or something?!
[The two sit down in their usual seats at the dining table]
Meg: What. a day.
Lois: Looks like you two have had a fun day together
Chris (in Peter's body): Word of advice when traveling on boats, do not use Attract-A-Fish
Peter (in Fargus' body): (whispering to Chris(Peter)) Not as easy as it looked, eh Chris?
Chris (in Peter's body): Screw off, We still got a good amount of money from it. Besides, how is your job going?
[Knowing Chris had him there, Peter just swallowed his pride]
Lois: So, Chris. What's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Oh, me and Mrs. Lockhart are thinking of taking it to the next level in our relationship.
Lois: Mrs. Lockhart? YOUR TEACHER?!
[Upon hearing this, Peter (Chris) and Mr. Fargus (Peter) spit out what they were drinking]
Peter(Chris)/Mr. Fargus(Peter): WHAT?!
Chris (in Peter's body): That wasn't part of the deal!
Brian: What deal?
[The family begins to stare at Peter, Mr. Fargus and Chris. Peter (Chris) looks to Meg, who using sign language tells him something along the lines of "Take this outside"]
Chris (in Peter's body): (awkward laugh) Oh Chris, you funny, funny card! Can I talk to you, along with Mr. Fargus in the living room for a second about knowing when to joke?
Peter (in Fargus' body): U-uh, Peter I don't this I want to get involved with your-
[Peter (Chris) grabs Mr. Fargus (Peter), who's embarrassed at this point, and scoots Chris (Mr. Fargus) into the living room]
Chris (in Peter's body): What the hell is going on, Dad?!
Peter (in Fargus' body): I'm not a part of this, Chris! Do you think I would allow my old teacher to hook up with one of your teachers? A teacher who's so old he could possibly be her grandfather?! If you thought that you have a sick, sick mind Chris Griffin! I love my Fargus, but even that's too far. Speaking of which, (points to Chris [Fargus]) what do you have to say about this, Randall Fargus?!
Fargus (in Chris' body): Is it too late to say we were planning to elope?
[Peter (Chris) and Mr. Fargus (Peter) collapse on the floor after hearing him say this line]
Act III
[Interior: Buddy Cianci Junior High School: Remedial English the next morning. Peter (Fargus) walks in with a unsuited tie and a unshaved beard growing along with his hair messed up]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Yeah, I know. I'm late. Okay, let's just get started.
[Peter (Fargus) begins to write "Romeo & Juliet on the chalkboard"]
Tim: Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle?
Peter (in Fargus' body): What, this? (pointing to the "&") You got to be freaking kidding me. That's an ampersand. It's a symbol for the word "and." My God, nobody can be this stupid. And that's coming from someone that makes stupid decisions on the regular basis!
[In a cutaway, Brian is reading a newspaper in the living room before Peter calls out to him from the stairs and reveals that he has a hose and make the stairs wet]
Peter: Brian, Brian, check it out; I made a water slide in the house. Yaa-[falls down the stairs and starts moaning]
Brian: I'm not going to call the hospital because you won't learn anything if I do.
[End of cutaway]
Amanda: Yo, Mr. Fargus, chillax. We're doing the best we can.
Peter (in Fargus' body): There is nothing I would like to do more than chillax, Amanda. But without a decent education, you could spend the rest of your life... as a ditch digger or a motel maid or a hοοker.
Student 1: I could be a ditch digger?
Student 2: A motel maid?
Student 3: I could be a hooker?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Well, no. You don't want to be a hooker.
Tim: Wow, Mr. Fargus! You're the first teacher that ever told us we could do anything.
[What Tim said gave Peter (Fargus) gets an idea for moment. He stands on the table with a new purpose]
Peter (in Fargus' body): You know you kids can do any menial, minimum-wage job you can dream of. Listen to me:
[Peter (Fargus) takes them out the school while he starts a musical he walks to The Wall Street folk and see them party 'till dawn until some of them puke, then Brian and his class turn to a janitor cleaning it up the puke.]
The Wall Street folk may party 'till dawn, boozing hard and carrying on; Who removes the puke when they're gone? The answer my friend is the low level man.
Student #1: Wow, I can clean up puke and get paid for it?
Peter (in Fargus' body): You bet Timmy.
Your choice of jobs is wide when you're poor; Work from nine to five at the store; Or from five to nine as a whore. You low level man.
The humble garbage man can still have class
[As Peter (Fargus) give out shoves to his class while he is dress like a construction work. Then his class push out carts from a supermarket. Then Peter (Fargus) dance around garbage cans to show a garbage man taking out the trash.]
Student #2: Really?
Peter (in Fargus' body): Oh, sure.
And you could be the guy who pumps his gas.
The rich man's wine is red or its white, but for you, that's way too uptight. Grab a six of natural light.
'Cause you have a destiny down at the DMV fitting society's plan.
[Then we turn to a gas station as Peter (Fargus) gives a student the gas holder to pump up the trucker gas tank. Then the scene changes to a rich couple drinking wine till it change to maid at the kitchen as Peter (Fargus) comes out of the oven with a six of natural light to give to the maids. Then it turns to Peter (Fargus) new DMV license that he gets from the DMV.]
Student #3: What if I wanted to be a busboy down at IHOP?
Peter (in Fargus' body): You could totally do that!
Student #3: Wow, that could be me! Working downtown!
Student #2: I'll be the chef!
Peter (in Fargus' body): Whoa now, slow down.
If you use what you've got...then believe it or not...
[As they appear outside of the school with equipment to work. Then it show Peter (Fargus) flushing the toilets then they appear inside the restroom.]
All: We can each mean a lot to the world as the Low Level Man.
[As they dance in front of the school with random student dance to the beat and arrive back at their classroom]
Tim: Thanks Mr. Fargus you are the best!
Peter (in Fargus' body): Your welcome Tim, well guys guest that there nothing I can teach you. You know I still think on the first day I came here when Amanda give birth to that beautiful baby were we later rescue from the wastebasket in the third floor girls bathroom. I'm… I'm so amazed at far you come.
[Peter (Fargus) Brian said as he cried a tear for remember some good times in this classroom]
Principal Sloan: [Over P.A. system] Good morning, this is Principal Sloan. Mr. Fargus, you're service will no longer be needed in Remedial English. Their teacher is reporting back to the classroom in a few minutes. You can report back to your classroom.
Peter (in Fargus' body): Well, guess that means our time is up. See you all.
[As he gets his suitcase and leaves toward the door, as the students stand up in support of Peter (Fargus)]
Carlos: (hoists a shovel) O, Captain! My Captain!
[This causes Peter (Fargus) to look around]
Tim: (hoists a squeegie and spray bottle) O, Captain! My Captain!
Amanda: (holding a dust manta and a little broom) O, Captain! My Captain!
[As Peter (Fargus) sees his class hold equipment until he see the kid in the cage groaning until he jumps into his desk and breaking it.]
[The next day, on Saturday, Peter (Fargus) was sleeping until Chris (Peter) comes to him in a panic]
Chris (in Peter's body): Dad! Dad!
Peter (in Fargus' body): What's up?
Chris (in Peter's body): We got a big problem! (hands a little book) In my pants I found instructions in there that reveal Mr. Fargus is going to help that teacher kill her husband! See for yourself
[Peter (Fargus) takes the instructions and reads it and his eyes widened more he reads it. Becoming shocked by the time he's done reading it]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Get in the car. Now.
[Peter (Fargus) and Chris (Peter) drive off in the car to enter their car and drive off to the Lockhart house. Meanwhile, up ahead of the others, Fargus (Chris) was cycling up the street with a few things in his backpack and arrived at the Lockharts' house. As he came, he heard the snarling of the bear inside as he heard a man screaming and being mauled. When he heard the breathing of the man that was no more, he quickly tapped on the door.]
Mrs. Lockhart: Don't worry, I got it. It's my new soon-to-be husband I was telling you about!
[Lana opened the door and smiled.]
Mrs. Lockhart: Chris, my big, beautiful man, I'm so glad you came!
[Lana then grabbed Fargus (Chris) and started to kiss him as he kissed back, the two of them smiling in glee.]
Mrs. Lockhart: The bear thing worked, like you suggested. My husband is now a rotting corpse! You got the second part of the plan ready?
Fargus (in Chris' body): All set, Lana.
Mrs. Lockhart: Jack, this is the man I was telling you about. This is Chris Griffin...
[The brown bear stood up.]
Jack: So, you're the new hubby to my best friend, hm?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Err... yes?
Jack: She couldn't have asked for a better man than you. You better take good care of her, because the guy I just killed, certainly never did. You're a lucky man, Mr. Griffin... a lucky, lucky man!
Fargus (in Chris' body): D'aw, it's nothing...
Jack: Okay, I'll take care of the work...You better just take my car and make your getaway... if your car is left behind, people will start getting suspicious...
Mrs. Lockhart: Right, we better get going...
Fargus (in Chris' body): Okay, Lana, let's roll!
[However, Peter (Fargus) and Chris (Peter) arrived just in time to stop Fargus (Chris)]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Fargus, don't do it!
Mrs. Lockhart: Wait, (to Fargus (Chris)) Fargus? You're inside Chris?
[Peter (Fargus) and Chris (Peter) walk up to Mrs. Lockhart]
Peter (in Fargus' body): Please Fargs, explain to her.
Fargus (in Chris' body): Lana, I'm not Chris Griffin. I'm Randall Fargus. You've seen me around the building from time to time.
Mrs. Lockhart: But, how-?
Fargus (in Chris' body): We swapped bodies for an experiment. And I guess I let my guard down for you.
Mrs. Lockhart: (blushing awkward) Aren't you like, in your 90's?! I was in love with an old man?!
[Fargus (Chris) puts his arms on Mrs. Lockhart's shoulders to calm her]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Lana, I know this is weird, and I'm okay if you don't want to be together with me. But I don't want you to be in danger because of me. There's still time. Go on and be a free bird. Away from your husband.
Mrs. Lockhart: Oh, Fargus. But still, thank you for everything.
[Fargus (Chris) grabbed Lana and the two kissed one more time.]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Be safe out there, Lana.
[Lana grabs her items and moves to her car, before driving off in a hurry to get away.]
Fargus (in Chris' body): Adios, Lana Lockhart...
Peter (in Fargus' body): So should we go and switch back to our original bodies-?
Fargus (in Chris' body): Yeah, let's do that
[A few days later, back at Buddy Cianci Jr. High, Peter and Chris opens the door to Mr. Fargus' classroom]
Chris: Mr. Fargus? Are you here?
Fargus: Oh. Hey boys
Peter: We were looking for you at the Expo and you weren't even there! What happened?
Fargus: Yeah, I destroyed the machine. It was more trouble than it was worth. Though thanks for putting up with the mess I put us in.
Peter: It's okay, Fargs. You just made an innocent mistake. No hard feelings.
Chris: Dad's right.
Stinger
[A few days later, the Griffins pull into their driveway after being somewhere and when they exit out, are meted by Fargus who's outside their door]
Fargus: Afternoon, Griffins.
Peter: Fargus? I thought you got your place fixed (wink)
Fargus: Well, as a thank you for letting me live with you for that week, I decided to make a security robot to make your house are the safest around. thanks to the house monitor XL-K.
[As the Griffins and Fargus walk into the house, the XL-K from RoboCop as it activated and drawed its turrets at the Griffins and Fargus]
XL-K: Halt! Present ID!
Peter: Excuse me?
XL-K: Present ID!
Fargus: And to show it my ... (reaches into his pockets, but can't fnd the IDs) ID? (begins to franticly search) I thought I took them with me! Oh crap, I must have forgot them at the lab!
The Griffins: WHAT?!
XL-K: Security breach! Security breach!
[It then loads its turrets at the Griffins as they clench each other in fear and zooms at them in horror]
Fargus: XL-K, please! HAVE MERCY!
[as it cuts to black and the turrets were fired at them offscreen as they scream.]
A/N: And that was the fanfic! This story was an idea busting in my head for at least two months, from an idea I had for the same episode on the Family Guy Fanon Wiki. Really fun to write for Fargus and how he can be so absent minded at points and thought it would be nice to add the deleted song "Low Level Man" into the fan script.