A/N: Welcome to my newest creation that has been in the works for ages. Please mind all tags on Ao3, even if some won't yet be relevant just yet.
For those on FF please be aware that this story will discuss topics such as Depression, Suicidal Ideation and related triggers, several types of -phobic events, and self harm. If those topics disturb or could harm you then be aware of these warnings.
"-yu, hey Mayu! You there?" A hand waving in front of her eyes startled the small blond girl slumped at her desk. She half glared at her friend as she fully sat up.
"Yeah Suzu-chan, was just thinking. Whats up? Oh, its lunch time…" Mayuri looked around at everyone else enjoying their lunch and chatting, feeling a tiny bit of jealously that they can all seem so… normal without worries.
"Thinking about what?" Suzu asked as she pulled out her own lunch box. "You've been zoned out all day, so it must be something important." She surprised Mayuri once again by holding one of her pieces of omelet up towards her "Eat, I'm going to guess you didn't make a lunch again?" She tried to scold her friend, she looked honestly worried about her.
"It is really nothing important. I'm not super hungry, I'll be fine Suzu-chan. I'm just-" She was cut off as that piece of food was pushed into her mouth anyway. One part of her mind was trying to not choke, and the other was causing her to blush from the indirect kiss.
"Nope, I swear you've been getting smaller and smaller lately, and I'm not about to have one of my best friends waste away in front of my eyes. Tell her Eririn!" Suzu poked their other friend as she sat quietly next to them.
"Huh? Yeah you really need to eat more, even I can see that. If we poked you, I bet we would feel ribs." Eri commented as she ate her own food, her gaze occasionally drifting across the room.
"Like I said, I'm just fine. I'm eating just fine." Mayuri grumbled, eating the next bite Suzu forced on her. "It isn't a big deal." She grumbled out, stretching out her right arm as a few jolts of pain crept up through it.
"You're arm still hurting? Didn't they give you any pain medication after your cast came off? I bet you are doing too much with it too soon… don't ruin your arm for that club please?" Suzu asked as she ate some food herself. "I feel like I can hear your stomach from here… How underweight are you?" Suzu asked as she continued to feed her friend.
"I'm not! I'm forty five kilograms, I'm just short, so are you." She tried to say, but under Suzu's stare she winced "F-forty…" That penetrating stare just continued down into her very soul. "F-fine! I'm thirty four… Sheesh…" Mayuri grumbled, just obediently eating food off her friend's chopsticks.
Suzu just looked even more worried at that as she looked to be evaluate that weight. "Yeah you are way way too skinny… Maybe we should get Kaorin to bring you some lunch instead, bet she could fatten you up." Suzu teased, knowing that the class mother hen might just do that.
"Please no… besides she is too busy tormenting Nagumo-san." Mayuri sighed, feeling for the poor soul, it wasn't his fault that Kaori was talking to him, all those guys should stop being so jealous…
"Tormenting? If anything isn't she a bit too nice to him? Ooo maybe she likes him?" Suzu asked as if she just realized that as she watched Kaori interact with Hajime.
"Even if she isn't being mean, she isn't telling the other guys in the class off, or Amanogawa-san." She sneered at the that name.
Suzu eyed her friend curiously "What is your problem with Kouki-kun anyway?" Suzu asked, catching a strange look on Eri's face for a moment, a look of odd fury just a moment.
"He just… rubs me the wrong way, I don't want to gossip, sorry." Mayuri seemed to shrink down in her seat, her eyes taking on their previous dazed appearance they had before Suzu had to literally shove food into her mouth.
Suzu sighed, knowing there was only so much she could do for her friend, if only she would open up a bit more…
Mayuri just wanted to be left alone for the moment, and knew they still had several periods left in the day before she could relax. Just as she thought that and felt herself space out she was brought back into her body by their teacher dropping the books she was lugging onto the teacher's desk at the front. It was going to be a long rest of the day.
—
"I'm beat… I don't know how you have the energy to go to practice by the end of the day Mayu. Want me to come with you to practice?" Suzu asked as she trailed after Mayuri, who looked even more down than usual.
"No, I'll be fine, it would be boring for you anyway. Just going to be more arm exercises and trying to pull that stupid bow. I've been trying my best to get the strength in it back, but still couldn't pull the bow back all the way last week." She said with a sigh, walking just a bit slower. "You have a good night okay Suzu? I'll see you in the morning." She gave a smile and a wave.
"Alright Mayu, if you are sure. Take care okay? And make sure you eat alright? I'm serious about being worried about your weight you know!" Suzu ruffled her equally short friend's hair before heading off for home.
Mayuri forced a smile for her friend, losing the strength for that just as quickly as she put it on as soon as her friend turned her back. "Who cares about my weight… Not like there is a lot to eat anyway…" She thought and let out a sigh as she turned away to head back into the school. She tried to pump herself up for archery club, something she used to enjoy so much before the accident that broke her arm. She wasn't the best, not by a long shot, but it gave her some sort of goal, a bit of cathartic release, like she was releasing a bit of the gloom that clung to her soul with every thunk an arrow made in the target when she managed to hit it.
She knew she would be the last one to arrive at practice, most didn't expect her to still attend anyways. She took her time getting to the locker room to change, something she preferred privacy for anyway.
Their archery uniform wasn't anything special, if a bit more conservative than most schools in the area, something she didn't mind either. She splashed some water on her face and took a look in the mirror "Is this really all I've become… " She could barely recognize herself compared to a few months back. She could even tell visually that her weight had dropped, her cheeks almost on the verge of looking a bit sunken in, and her hair felt more dry and frizzy, something she used to take pride in making look nice, that her mother would always compliment in the past. Her dull blue eyes looked the most different of all; if the eyes are the window to the soul, her own must have vanished long ago.
Mayuri groaned and splashed more water on her face before leaving to go face what ever archery club would have for her that day.
As soon as she stepped in, nearly ten minutes past start time, she caught the captain's stern look. She used to look up to her, and those eyes would look at her kindly, teaching her about the bow in a gentle voice. "You're late Kitagawa-san. Please make an effort in making it here on time if you intend to stay in this club." She didn't yell, but it felt like she did, making Mayuri wince just a bit.
"Sorry Captain." She could only meekly choke out, moving over to stretch out before even touching one of the bows. She felt eyes on her more lately, and it always felt like they were judging her, that they saw through her secrets, to the ugly parts of her she hid, just waiting to rip them out. She hardly noticed her heart beating heavier in her chest as she picked up her bow from the rack and several arrows.
It was a simple shooting range set up for more short range shots. They would occasionally have trips to other shooting ranges, usually on their own dime, to shoot at longer distances. "When was it exactly… that they stopped inviting me to those trips?" She thought, trying to crawl through her memory for that thread of a thought as she went to one of the stalls on the far end to try and practice. She was pulled from those thoughts by a throat clearing right next to her.
She looked over and up at the captain staring down at her. This close she seemed far more intimidating to Mayuri, being over 25 centimeters taller than her own 146 centimeters. Seeing the look in the captain's eyes that close made her heart beat faster in a bad way and sending her stepping back and nearly tripping over herself.
"I want to see you shoot. You've been keeping up with the rehabilitation exercises you were given right?" She was asked.
"Of course, it is starting to get back to normal I think." Mayuri explained, holding the bow close to her chest as she stared up at the Captain, who just stared down with her arms crossed, not a trace of mercy on her face anymore, or at least that is how it seemed to Mayuri.
"Good, lets see you shoot then." The captain, said, stepping back to give Mayuri room on the range. Before Mayuri noticed, others in the club had gathered around to watch, some giving her soft smiles, others just looking fed up with her, the type of looks she was used to getting from people in her life.
"O-okay…" Mayuri said and stepped fully up to the range, grabbing an arrow, and notching it carefully. She took a few deep breathes to settle herself as she began to pull back on that bow. It felt… tighter than the other days, she was sure no one else had used it though, it was the only one sized for her tiny body. "Did someone mess with my bow?!" As much as she pulled it just wouldn't move pull back more than a few inches. As she began to draw with all her strength she felt a deep pain in her forearm that made her wince, loosing the arrow… to land a few feet away at most, flopping to the ground sadly, just like she wanted to.
Mayuri felt her heart sink, hurting her far more than her arm was. She almost didn't want to look around or behind her, she wanted to just get buried in the ground right there. Tears weren't even coming, she just felt a tired bitterness at everything, just another thing to add to the pile of wreckage that was her life.
She took a few deep breaths and turned around, seeing a mix of pity, a few with worry, and many judging or snickering at her. The Captain was taking a few deep breathes of her own and pinching the bridge of her nose, as if she was trying to ward off a headache. "Kitagawa-san… I've been patient, it wasn't your fault you broke your arm, but your recovery is your responsibility. That was sad, that was an insult to the art I love, so for you to bring that level of effort into my archery range is just as insulting to the rest of us who try our best every day." The captain seemed genuinely angry with her, because she couldn't draw her bow not even two weeks after getting out of a cast she had been in for nearly two months.
Mayuri had so many things she wanted to retort with, but knew it was useless, what was the point even. The Captain was right, she was a waste of space there, In that school, in the world. Mayuri didn't cry, she just stopped feeling anything at that moment as her thoughts raced. She slowly lost conscious control of her body, moving as if on auto pilot to put the bow back on the rack. She then turned around and gave a deep bow "I get the message, thank you." Mayuri barely was able to speak out in a steady voice.
She walked like a robot back into the locker room to change back, but could still hear the captain shouting for all of them to get back to training, that there was no room on the team for slackers. Mayuri could hear that echoing in the locker room as she stripped out of that uniform, knowing she was doing so for good she was sure, it was wasted on someone like her.
Folding it up carefully she placed it on one of the benches, taking her own things and heading out the long way to avoid going back in the same room as all of them. She felt herself drifting back into semi-consciousness, letting her feet carry her back 'home' on their own accord as she focused on not thinking about anything at all, to try to not let anything get to her.
—
It was hard to tell when the blank minded state began to become normal, but it always led to her losing track of time for sometimes hours, but it kept her from dwelling on everything. It usually took a shock of some sort to break her out of her trance, but she came out of her latest one quite easily when she heard a horn beeping frantically near her.
Mayuri looked over in time to see that she was in the middle of a cross walk, right in the path of an on coming car. Time seemed to be moving in slow motion as she tried to think about things in those few moments, such as Why she is there, and if she crossed illegally, or if it was a bad driver.
Some how none of her thoughts turned towards herself, or any worry about what might befall her, it almost felt like…
Her train of thought was cut off as she felt the lower end of the car impact her legs, scooping her up, and causing her to roll over the top and crash on the ground behind it. The car didn't wait around and sped off into the distance.
"Oh god! Someone call an Ambulance!" "Is she alright?" "Did anyone get the license plate?" Mayuri heard the distant chatter of people that had come to watch. Peeking her eyes open she saw quite a few with their phones out… to record, typical. None of them had even approached to check on her. She checked over herself, finding all her limbs intact, she really didn't want any more broken limbs.
She didn't feel like she bumped her head, all in all she felt just fine besides some scraps, and knowing she would be sore and bruised come morning. She stood up and dusted herself off, her mind starting to drift back in on itself as she tried to decipher the emotions she felt right before impact. "I'm f-fine, no need to call anyone." She tried to tell the ten or two people on both sides of the street. She gathered her belongs and booked it!
"Yeah I really can't afford to go to the hospital… Otherwise I might actually end up with another broken arm…" She thought as she slowed back down to a walk once she was a block or so away from the scene. "I hope those videos don't spread around… Don't need Suzu to get completely paranoid…" She mumbled to herself as she entered her apartment building, her nose recoiling from the smell of cigarettes and stale coffee that seemed stuck into the walls. Thankfully no one was hanging out in the lobby, making the trek up the stairs easier. As she stepped onto her floor she nearly ran into a much taller man who stunk even more than the lobby, and falling backwards near the stairs. "Sorry Sir." Mayuri got out as she hefted herself back up, wincing as she put pressure on her bad arm. "Least I didn't fall down the stairs…"
"Oh? It's just you. You already get scuffed up before running into me?" He asked as he lumbered down the first flight of stairs, barely waiting for her to reply, but sounded more worried about her than her negligible mass running into him.
"Yeah… Nothing serious though, thank you for your concern." She wanted to cry as she rubbed at that hurting arm.
"Mm, be careful. Rent is due at the end of the week, make sure you have it." He reminded her, fixing a stern look at her before disappearing fully down the stairs. Mayuri sighed, feeling any energy she might have gained on her walk home vanish. She wanted to stay on her landlord's good side as much as possible, but if her father kept being late giving her the rent money she would be screwed.
Opening up her front door she stepped inside just to lean back against the door she had closed. She was struck by just how much she was having to pay for this tiny hole in the wall. Just a single living room, dining room, kitchen, and bedroom, all in one room, and a separate small bathroom with a shower. Just these two rooms had everything she owned, and summed up all she was worth to the world.
With a sigh she slid down the door to sit against it, trying to wrap her mind around the day she just had. Her arm pulsing in pain didn't even bother her at that point, it was just background noise to her as she tried to imagine being anywhere else.
Part of her knew she should go try and find something, anything she might have to eat, but she just didn't have the will to get up even for that. She knew she might have maybe a packet of ramen left, but that was probably it.
Pulling over her bag she grabbed her phone to check her messages. "Come on dad…" She muttered to herself as she looked.
She saw that her last message was left on read, making her sigh, her desperation rising. ~I'm sorry to bother you again father, but were you still going to write the rent check? The Landlord is starting to get on my case about it more about having it by the end of the week. Sorry for bothering you again.~ She typed out. She took a few deep breathes, double checking her message for anything wrong, and felt it was good enough, it wasn't her nagging, but she did need that Rent check…
After pressing the send button she felt a rush of fear as she stared at the screen. She knew his schedule enough that he was probably relaxing after work with his family.
She didn't have to wait for long as her phone vibrated, lighting the screen in her hands back up. ~Figure it out for now, I'll try and write it sometime this week. Don't waste anymore texts bugging me, those aren't free.~ She stared at that for a moment, feeling a part of her breaking even further as her mind mulled everything in the day over.
Her mind felt like it was cracking as she stared up at the ceiling from her spot sitting on the floor against the door. It was all so stupid… "Why am I even still trying, he made it clear he doesn't love me anymore, that I'm not his daughter, that he only will do barely what he is legally required to, so why does it still hurt so damn much?" She thought as she curled up into a ball, burying her face into her knees.
"A waste of space at school, in club, in His family… why haven't I just disappeared yet?" her thoughts buzzed around as she stood up, trying to will the tears to not fall as she also tried to prevent her thoughts from going down that road anymore than she had in the past.
Setting her stuff down on the table she went over to lay on her thin futon she never bothered to put away, holding her forearm over her eyes to block out the light.
The captain of the archery team had made it clear how she saw her, and who was she to disagree? It seemed nearly everyone saw her that way from where she layed. Mayuri ran out of strength to stop her thoughts from spiraling, even as she pinched her arm to distract herself it did nothing besides add to the pain she felt in her chest, to the tears starting to run down her cheeks quietly.
After the day she just had she felt like the universe was really trying to tell her something. The archery club disaster was her first clue, showing how little talent she had in one of the few things she used to love to do. Her second was her feelings as she was about to be hit by that car, or rather the lack of feelings, just a calm feeling of acceptance. She would have been fine leaving the stage right there and then, it wouldn't even be her fault so she wouldn't have to feel guilty.
The third clue hurt her the most, as she was reminded just how true her Father's words were, how he wasn't lying when he said she was worthless, an abomination, that she wasn't his daughter before throwing her in the shittiest apartment he could find at the cheapest price he could.
If the universe was telling her just how much better off the world is without her? "Who am I… to disagree?" She finished her thoughts out loud. Her tears stopped as those thoughts reached their final, fatal conclusion.
"Suzu and Aiko-sensei might be upset for a while, but even they would eventually see just how much I clogged up the classroom, taking up Suzu's pity and wasting a seat someone else could use to listen to Aiko-sensei's lessons." No, she didn't feel like anyone would truly mourn her, not even the fake her that she disguised herself as to the world. No one would know or miss who she truly was inside. If she truly was destined for a hell like her father and his wife said, well… She guessed she would see them there. No… If there was a hell, she was already in it, so all there was left to do was to escape from that hell.
With more energy than she had a minute prior, she grabbed her school bag to pull out her note book and a pen to begin to write frantically with. Mayuri wasn't sure if her writing was even legible or coherent, but it wouldn't be her problem. She debated putting something on that note that she knew she would never have the confidence to say in person… but it would be better to let that person forget her without muddying the waters.
"Yeah… that will do it. One day… I can do it, I just have to get through one day with a smile." Her lips indeed curled up into a twisted, broken smile that twitched unsteadily the longer she forced it to stay on her face. Setting that note back in her notebook, she replaced everything into her backpack and left it for the morning. She just needed one thing to round off the night, to stop the shaking in her body as all those harsh emotions threatened to surge back inside. She hoped for a better tomorrow.
A/N Thank you all for checking out a story I've been planning and working on for a while. Currently I got several chapters written, and I've barely touched my outline, which is nearly 20k words long!
Arifureta is a story I love and hate at the same time… it has so much potential, but I feel a lot of it is wasted. I don't have the LNs so I'm stuck relying on the Webnovel/Manga/Anime, and even those don't have a giant amount of information.
I'll be changing quite a few things and making the world a bit more diverse in ways you'll see!
I hope you stick around for what I have planned in "No Turning Back"