AN: I had not written any fics in years, hopefully it's enjoyable and there aren't too many typos. This is based on my own experience with panic attacks and the prompt "...so that's where all the cushions went."
Monica woke up to a soft knock on her bedroom door followed by the sound of it being slightly opened. She was a bit startled at first, thinking maybe Rachel wanted something but no one was there. She rubbed her eyes and sat against the headboard. That's when it sank in and she understood what was going on. She left her bed and went for her robe, but decided to discard that idea and put on sweats on top of her pjs instead. She put on socks too for good measure, grabbed a blanket, and headed to the living room.
She closed her door slowly, not wanting to make too much noise. Rachel was a heavy sleeper but she didn't want to risk it. Instinctively she turned around to look towards her roommate's door and noticed the cushions in her living room were missing. She knew there were other priorities right now, but it was hard not to think about the mess.
Walking towards the balcony she saw a big shadow already out there. She shoved the blanket through the window and tried to come out the small opening as gracefully as she could. Of course that didn't work, and she nearly lost her balance when she tripped on the blanket that was now on the floor. Her poor performance didn't even receive a chuckle from the person waiting for her. 'Things are really rough then', she thought. She put herself together and finally looked at her friend.
Chandler was sitting on top of one of her cushions, he had placed another one next to him for her to sit on and was hugging a third one tightly against his chest. He had a blanket wrapped around him and his hair was all dishevelled. He was tense, visibly trembling, and now that he had turned to her she saw his eyes were puffy from crying.
She picked up the blanket from the floor and wrapped herself in it, "...so that's where all the cushions went." He offered her the smallest of side smiles, at least it was something. She sat next to him.
They've gone through this a few times already through the years. The first time it happened it had freaked her out. She had gone to pick up something he had borrowed, she doesn't remember what anymore, and had caught him sitting on the floor by his bed hugging a pillow. His face was buried on the pillow but she could see he was shaking and crying. It had honestly scared her. She had never seen him like that, Chandler never cried. Oblivious to what to do or say she simply stayed next to him, rubbing his back up and down trying to bring him comfort.
After it happened a couple more times she finally dared to ask him. Monica made it clear she would not judge him, make fun of him or tell anybody about it, she simply wanted to know how to help. Chandler trusted her, she knew that much, and after a long sigh he told her they were panic attacks, that he had been having them since he was a kid, especially when he was stressed out.
Hearing about it and realizing her friend had been going through this for years on his own, Monica suggested establishing a kind of protocol. Whenever he felt it was coming he would call for her and they would sit on the balcony - "...fresh air might help", she had told him -, until he felt better. Chandler was reluctant, not wanting to bother her with his 'crap', but she made him promise he'd do it, under threat of kicking his ass.
After the first couple times he had shyly admitted her company made it better, and lately it seemed the attacks had been less frequent too. He did have one around the time of Heckles passing and his mother's visit, and she recalls a couple of them around the whole fiasco with Ross and Rachel. There was another one with Janice, the last time they broke up anyways. Monica wasn't stupid, there was a clear pattern.
As much as her friend was scared of commitment, she knew he feared being alone even more. And what broke her heart was to think he himself believed he didn't deserve to be loved. He always told her bits and pieces about what was going on inside his brain a couple days after each attack: how he had always been alone, how he felt so inadequate, how he feared everyone would move on and he wouldn't.
So when Kathy cheated on him, she had been kind of waiting for this. He surprised her when he went through the phases without too much trouble, well, maybe some trouble. But she had hoped maybe things were improving, that his self-loathing was dissipating. He seemed to be doing better overall, more confident and mature.
Reflecting on it now, perhaps she had oversighted something. She had been so busy with work, the whole apartment switching, Ross and Emily's wedding, Phoebe's baby shower... Had she missed something?
She didn't realize she had been staring directly at him. He was facing forward, looking up to the buildings at the other side of the street. The night lights washed over his face and his teary blue eyes looked shiny and bright.
"I love you, you know?" Monica spoke softly, breaking the silence. She reached out to rub his arm, "I don't know what I would do without you." And she meant it. She just hoped he started believing it himself.
Chandler turned to her, fresh tears now rolling down his face. He opened his mouth to say something back, but Monica stopped him, "I know". She smiled at him. It was always hard for him to speak in the middle of an attack, she learnt that a while ago. She also knew holding him tight or talking to him could be overwhelming, hence why she mostly just kept him company.
Suddenly, an idea popped in her head. He always seemed to hold onto some kind of pillow, and she was snugglier and warmer than that. With one hand she grabbed the cushion he was hugging and, facing him, she put her other hand on one of his knees, asking for him to open his legs. She placed the cushion on the floor there and using his knees as leverage she sat in the middle.
Chandler had a confused expression on his face but didn't complain as Monica laid on top of him. He let her take his arms and hug herself with them. Monica could almost read his mind, he was trembling and his heartbeat was racing, she bet he was thinking he was not comfortable enough for her. Wanting to reassure him, she turned to kiss his cheek and tightened her grip around his arms.
He finally melted into her, hugging her completely and burying his head in her neck. She always smelled so good; he closed his eyes. After a while, Chandler could feel Monica's body relaxing and her breathing slowing down as she dozed off. He himself got better eventually, not shaking anymore and his heart finally settling down. He could feel his muscles becoming stiff from not moving though, so he put the cushion where Monica had been sitting earlier and placed it between his head and the window. As he laid down, he brought Monica with him. Chandler accommodated her against his chest, making sure her blanket was still covering her. Before he dozed off too, he kissed the top of her head, "I love you too, Mon".