Author's Note:In my watch through of the entire SVU series (that I have been working on since I had hand surgery in February), I was kind of dreading this episode. Seeing my fellas up against one another in court didn't sit well. I still have conflicted feelings about the episode, and Barba's actions throughout it. So, because I'm me, I decided to explore the why behind it all. I said to my husband before Olivia did that he was defending himself and not Davis. This will be a two-shot deal, with part one looking at before the trial and the rest at during and after. Let me know what you think!

Part One

Sonny sat at his desk in the home office he shared with his partner, Rafael Barba, and tried his best to focus on the case notes in front of him. Despite his best efforts, his head spun with snippets of the events of the day. Try as he might to separate his emotions from the situation, he couldn't. He was hurt. He was angry. And he was sick to his stomach.

"Before we continue… are you representing Mickey Davis?"

"I…guess I am now!"

When the case against Mickey Davis was handed to him it was straightforward: there had been multiple witnesses when he had shot the man who had groomed and assaulted his daughter. While Carisi couldn't blame the guy for his actions, he was a prosecuting attorney, and he was charged with upholding the law. The law stated that Mickey had committed murder and Sonny was obligated as an officer of the court to charge him as such. It was his job, and it should be a fairly open and shut case.

Or it was until Rafael came into his office and informed him he would be representing Mickey Davis.

He should have pushed back and pointed out to his partner that him representing the defendant in a case Sonny was prosecuting was a conflict of interest. But he knew Barba better than almost anyone and knew that once the former ADA had a bone, he wouldn't let it go. He had thought briefly about requesting that he recuse himself from the case. Sonny was a junior ADA and recusing himself from a case like this wouldn't be looked on favorably. It would hurt him down the road when he wanted to try and advance in the DA's office. So he was stuck.

And, if he was being honest with himself, the idea of going up against his mentor in the courtroom was a little thrilling.

It was just unfortunate that mentor shared a bed with him.

Sighing, Carisi tossed a pen on the desk in frustration and picked up a DD-5 to review. He tensed when he heard the front door to the apartment open and close, but did not call out to greet his partner. A few moments later Rafael's soft footsteps came down the hall, and Sonny stubbornly did not look up even when he hesitantly entered the office.

"Hey," Rafael began, the picture of nonchalance. "I was thinking of ordering Thai for dinner. What would you like?"

He didn't so much as glance in Barba's direction. "I'm not hungry, but thanks."

Silence hung between them for several minutes. Finally, Rafael broke it with a frustrated sigh. "You're angry with me."

Sonny threw the reports on his desk and spun around. "What the hell did you expect me to be, Rafael?" he shot back. "This should be an open and shut case. There were dozens of people who saw him do it. He should take the fucking deal and move on with it, but you have to step in and play the big hero."

"Dominick—"

"No," he cut off his partner and folded his arms over his chest "Don't stand there and Dominick me. I am just trying to do my job."

Rafael held his hands up in surrender. "I didn't go into your office today with any intention of representing Mickey Davis," he said softly. "I was asked to feel you out and see if you would be open to a deal."

"Why the hell would you feel me out on a deal if you weren't planning to represent him?!"

"Because I was asked to!" Rafael spun around and muttered to himself in Spanish. "You wouldn't even talk to me about it unless I was representing him and…it just kind of happened."

"You just kind of stumbled into representing a man who was caught on camera with dozens of witnesses shooting another human being?" Sonny's normally icy blue eyes were dark with fire and temper.

"Yeah…kind of…"

Sonny shook his head in disgust. "For fuck's sake, Rafael!" He paused and stared down his partner. "Who asked you to feel me out?"

Rafael took a cautious step backwards and remained silent.

"Answer the question."

Rafael lifted his chin defiantly. "I'm not a witness under cross-examination, Counselor," he retorted. "I don't have to answer anything."

"No," Sonny retorted quietly. "You're opposing counsel."

"Sonny," Barba countered, "Mickey Davis is entitled to a competent defense. That's the way the law works. You know that."

"Yes, he is," Sonny agreed tightly. "And I completely agree with that. But does that competent defense have to be the man I get into bed with every night?"

Barba took a deep, steadying breath. "Mickey was just protecting his daughter when everyone else around her failed to do so."

"Yeah." Sonny stared at the floor for a long minute. "Just like you looked after Drew Householder when no one else would." Without meeting Barba's eyes, he left the room and strode down the hall.

"Sonny." He heard the hurt in Rafael's voice, and shoved the guilt and urge to comfort him aside. "Where are you going?"

"To get some air," Sonny tossed over his shoulder. He grabbed his keys from the table by the door, threw it open, and slammed it closed behind him.

"He's a lot of fun. Gets right to the point." Rafael turned from the retreating back of Deputy Chief Garland and flashed a tired smirk at Captain Olivia Benson as she sat heavily in her desk chair.

"Always, and so will I." Olivia tossed her glasses on her desk. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"You asked me to defend Davis."

"A hypothetical!" Olivia retorted. "And, by the way, I didn't even know that you took the case until Garland called me."

"I went to see Carisi, he pointed out that we couldn't even discuss the case if I wasn't representing Davis and..." Barba hesitated. "Things moved quickly."

Olivia studied him for a long moment. "How did Carisi take it?"

He slumped in her chair. "He took a long walk last night, came home at almost midnight, and slept on the couch."

She smiled sympathetically and leaned forward. "Can you blame him, Rafa?"

"As I told the Counselor last night," he replied evenly, "Mickey Davis has a right to a defense."

"He absolutely does," Olivia agreed. "But that defense doesn't have to be you."

He pursed his lips and stared at her thoughtfully. "I need to do this, Liv."

"Rafa, I'm not the one you need to convince," she said. "I may not agree with you, but at the end of the day I will be here for you." She reached across the desk and squeezed his hand. "I am your friend, and I always will be. And as your friend, I want to tell you to think this over very carefully. Because I know you, and I know you love Carisi more than anything."

He sighed and nodded as he looked at the floor. "I do," he said quietly.

"And you know that he is up to his eyeballs trying to make this career work. They finally trust him to try cases, and before the two of you got together, he looked up to you. He still considers you one of the best attorneys he has ever worked with." She paused. "Rafa, he needs to know this is not about him."

Barba looked away. "He knows that," he dismissed.

"Does he?" Olivia leaned back in her chair. "Are you willing to bet on it and spend another night alone?"

He considered her statement before giving her a belligerent glare. "I really hate it when you're right."

She smiled. "I don't." She stood up and strode around the desk to squeeze his shoulder. "I know you're too much of a stubborn ass to take yourself off the case. Carisi knows you, so I'm sure he's aware of that too. But talk to him and smooth things over."

Rafael was waiting in the living room when he heard Sonny's keys in the door that evening. The TV was turned to the news, but he wasn't really paying attention. Every nerve in his body was on edge, waiting for the sound of his partner to come in. His head snapped up and he picked up the remote to switch off the TV when the door opened and a tired-looking Sonny walked in.

"Hey," he greeted softly.

Sonny hesitated briefly near the door before finally closing it behind him. His suit jacket was draped over one arm, and he reached up to pull his tie loose. "Hey."

"Can we talk?" Rafael asked, eyes pleading. "Please?"

"Is it going to be another fight?" Sonny sighed exhaustedly. "Because, Rafi, I don't have that in me right now."

"Dominick, I don't want to fight with you," Rafael replied. "I just want to talk."

Reluctantly, Sonny nodded. He dropped his briefcase on the wingback chair near the door and draped his jacket over it. "Gimme a sec," he said, and disappeared down the hallway.

He returned a few minutes later dressed in a Fordham sweatshirt, a ratty pair of sleep pants, and had two open beers in his hands. Rafael smiled slightly as he wordlessly passed one to him. Sonny sank heavily onto opposite end of the sofa and took a long, silent pull from his bottle.

Barba had rehearsed what he wanted to say all afternoon but faced with his silent and defeated partner, the carefully planned words left him. He slowly placed his bottle on a coaster on the coffee table, tucked one leg up under him, and sat sideways to face Sonny.

"I'm sorry," he said, quietly.

Sonny looked at him in surprised. "That…" he began. "That's not exactly how I expected this to start off."

"I meant it when I said I never had any intention of defending Davis." Barba tucked his hands under himself to resist touching Sonny when he knew his partner was still angry. "To be honest, I wasn't even sure I was ready to be back in a courtroom at all." He dropped his gaze. "If I'm being completely transparent with you, I'm still not."

He would be going back into that same courtroom where he had been the defendant. Where he had been the one on trial. For two years he had avoided the courtroom, practicing as a consultant and election fraud investigator. And now his grand return to the courtroom would be right back where he had faced some of the worst days of his life. And this time with Sonny sitting at the prosecution table and not behind him in support.

The very idea was terrifying.

"You could step back," Sonny suggested quietly.

Rafael bit his lip. "Dominick, I need to do this. Not for Mickey Davis," he continued. "He seems like a good guy, and I do want to do what I can to help him. But I need to do this for me."

Sonny looked at him in confusion. "You need to go up against me in the courtroom?"

"No," Rafael bit off a bitter laugh. "I wish it was any attorney but you. No, I need to get back in the courtroom for me. I need to prove to myself that I can still do hardball law. I need to show myself that somewhere in there I'm still the same arrogant asshole of an attorney that I always was."

For the first time, Carisi's eyes softened. "You know you are."

"I need to see that I am."

Sonny heaved a sigh and took another drink from his bottle. He then placed it on the table next to Rafael's. He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees. "Okay," he agreed softly. "Okay. We agree that during this trial we have a firm separation of work and personal. Work stays at the office, home stays here. We don't even bring stuff home to work on, and we don't talk about it."

Rafael nodded slowly. "Agreed."

"Also," Sonny said casually and smirked at him. "I will not take it easy on you in the courtroom."

Relief flooded over Barba, and he returned the grin. "You really think you can beat me?"

Sonny reached over, took him by the hand, and gently pulled him closer. Rafael slid an arm across his middle and rested his head on Carisi's shoulder. "Counselor," Carisi murmured as he tilted Rafael's chin up and dropped a sweet, lazy kiss on his partner's lips, "I will sure enjoy tryin'."